A Swarm of Bees

That’s what it feels like I have in my mind at times. Especially during a yoga class. Or during church. Both of those places are when I am most conscious of a swarm-of-bees being let-loose in my mind.

I came from yoga class just now, and I went to church last night. So I’m overly aware of this THING that happens when I try to quiet myself down, on the inside.

I find the whole quieting-down-the-mind thing the most challenging part of yoga, although getting my body into the dern poses is rather difficult as well.

It’s really just the struggle of being with myself. To not have to be doing anything, working on something, reading, writing, ‘rithmetic, go go go …

I find that so hard.

Note to self: work on this. I suppose the fact that I keep going to yoga is indicative that I am working on it.

I am willing to be with this struggle. I recognize the worthiness of what I am trying to achieve. And so now I am in the awkward transition stage – the stage that so many people (myself included) turn themselves inside out to avoid. The stage when you are uncomfortably aware of the dysfunctional workings of your own mind.

I am confronted with this all the time in my acting. The nature of the craft forces you to be up against yourself, to at all times be cultivating self-awareness.

The real challenge is to be able to tolerate uncertainty. To tolerate not knowing. To tolerate the sensation of not being free yet. It’s a necessary phase of the process, but it can be so uncomfortable that many people turn away long before getting there.

That’s what comes up for me when I go to yoga. Sometimes I cry. Which is normal. But really the tears are just coming from a realization, on a deep level (like a DNA-type level) – that relaxation is a struggle for me, that slowing my brain down is a struggle for me, and that all of it creates enormous anxiety. Hence, the swarm of bees. I am determined to get to the other side of this tunnel.

I can feel that there will be great rewards.