A list of all the things that went wrong on my trip yesterday from New York to Chicago:
1. Hit massive traffic jam the second we came out of the Lincoln Tunnel, on our way to Newark Airport. The shuttle I was on was scheduled to get to the airport an hour before my flight. We were inching forward, at a snail’s pace, for 20 minutes. (Turns out a car had stalled on the exit to the turnpike – so there were towing trucks, blah blah blah.)
2. As our bus driver pulled past the cop car near the stalled truck, he basically cut it too close, and ripped off the cop car’s rear view mirror.
3. Our bus was then yanked over to the side by a VERY angry New Jersey cop. “WHADDYA THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
4. We then sit, over on the sidelines, for another 20 minutes. With nothing happening. The cop is writing a ticket, maybe. The bus driver is frighteningly passive about the whole thing. The passengers (there were 10 of us) began to stir uneasily. This was no longer an inconvenience. We could all miss our flights. There’s a mutiny on the Bounty feel in the air. Especially because the driver doesn’t seem to care.
5. Cop comes back to the bus window, asks for the registration or whatever. Driver cannot find the registration. He looks EVERYWHERE. A passenger sitting in the front seat starts to help him look. (This is the one and only time that I really felt bad for the driver.) He looks for the registration for FIVE MINUTES. This is five minutes that none of us can now spare. Finally: he finds it. But now – the cop has moved back to his car.
6. Bus driver hangs out his window, yelling back to the cop: “I NEED TO GET THESE PEOPLE TO THE AIRPORT!” (He couldn’t get out of the bus. We were in the lane on the overpass where the stalled car had been … traffic zipped by us on the right.)
7. Cop comes back … and for some reason, he tells us that we have to follow him to the first exit and pull off.
8. Passengers are now shouting in frustration. “I’m gonna miss my flight!” “Where are we going NOW?”
9. Driver maintains his passive apathetic stance, adding to our collective mania.
10. The bus follows the cop car down the road (it’s wonderful to at last be moving …) and then pulls off at the first exit. We pull off to the side. And then we sit there for another 10 minutes.
11. Driver tells us another bus is coming “shortly” to take us to the airport. The passengers want more information. “Shortly??? What does ‘shortly’ mean?”
12. We are then made to fill out accident forms. “Are you injured? Did you see the accident? Do you know if anyone else was injured?”
13. Cop comes to collect the forms. Apparently, one person on the bus did not fill it out. Cop says, “You got 10 passengers here – I only have 9 forms.” Then to all of us: “Who didn’t fill one out?” Silence. Cop: “Come on, people. The sooner I get all the forms, the sooner you can be on your way.” Silence. I have had it. I call from the back seat, “Is everyone listening to him? Who didn’t fill out the damn form?” Probably some person who spoke no English and didn’t understand what the cop was saying. So: we have to fill out the forms AGAIN.
14. I am now sweaty with anxiety.
15. But then … we pass in the forms. And … I guess the other bus coming to get us “shortly” was just a lie he told us … because then … halleluia … we were on our way. No more traffic. Onto the turnpike.
16. I am not out of the woods, though. It is now only 25 minutes until my plane departs. This is cutting it waaaayyyyyy close. I cannot relax.
17. We get to the United terminal 10 minutes before my departure time. I get off the bus. I begin to run. I have a duffel bag and a book bag, so I galumph along awkwardly – I feel like that massive Muppet chasing after the jalopy in The Muppet Movie. That’s what I look like. I RUN to check in … but … OF COURSE … there are no attendants at the United desks. I SHOUT down to the attendants at the next airline: “WHERE DID ALL THE UNITED PEOPLE GO?” They SHOUT back, “THEY WENT HOME FOR THE NIGHT!” Uhm … excuse me? I shout back, “I NEED TO CHECK IN. WHERE DO I GO?” (I couldn’t take the time to RUN all the way down to the next airline to have the conversation at a normal decibel level.) They shout back: “TWO LEVELS DOWN!”
18. I am beside myself. I galumph my Muppet self down 2 levels. Baggage claim. I am PISSED. There are no United desks. I run – yes – I am RUNNING – to the United baggage claim office. I barge in – I’m sweaty. I am out of my mind. There are people who are looking for their bags. Sorry – my problem takes precedent. I say to an attendant: “My flight … here’s my e-ticket … my bus got in an accident …”
19. She glances at the clock. “The plane is leaving right now. I’ll print out a boarding pass – just go to the front of the security line – and if you make it, you make it, if you don’t you don’t. We are not responsible.” “Okay. Fine.”
20. And then … I am OFF. I RUN at TOP SPEED through the security checkpoints. I am RUNNING down the hallways like an anxietal giant Muppet. The woman doing the security check on me glances at my ticket, and says, confused, “Are you meeting someone’s plane?” I said, and suddenly – horrifyingly – tears come to my eyes. TEARS. “No … I’m trying to catch that flight. I know. I know. I’m late.”
21. I put my shoes back on, I grab my bags, and RACE towards gate A14.
22. There’s a man at the gate and he sees me coming. He calls out to me lazily, “Here she comes!” in such a kind friendly voice. Apparently, chick down in baggage claim had called up to the gate telling them I was on my way. He was waiting. When he saw a redheaded sweaty-faced galumphing Muppet come around the corner, he knew he had his girl.
23. I arrive at the gate. He checks my boarding pass, and lets me go through. He is so nice, so sweet, and I am so happy that I made the flight that I fall deeply DEEPLY in love with him. For 2 and a half seconds, and then I move on.
24. But … my journey of hell was not over! I walk down the corridor to the airplane … and standing there, blocking my entrance to the plane … is a rather alarming scene. A woman, with a kind of blank glazed-eyed look on her face, is about to enter the plane, when suddenly she starts hopping backward on one foot. It is strange behavior. Is she falling? Did she lose her balance? Her face shows nothing. One of the stewardesses says, “Ma’am …?” And then – the woman stops. There’s a pause. And then – the woman BARKS. Like a dog, people. A loud rough BARK. Did she have Tourette’s? Was it a seizure of some kind? I have no idea. We all jumped.
25. The stewardess let me go around the barking woman to get on the plane. I get to my seat. I sit down. I cannot BELIEVE I made it.
26. We then have to wait for another 20 minutes because apparently they would not let the barking woman and her two daughters onto the plane. They had to remove their luggage, etc.
27. I sink into the chair, I enjoy the air-conditioning, I take out Harry Potter … I still cannot BELIEVE that I made that plane!
And here I am in Chicago. My old home. It’s always good to be back. I love the drive in from the airport, I know it by heart. Feels good to be here.
Well Red, that’s some day.
-Part Planes, Trains & Automobiles
-Part OJ Simpson Hertz Commercial
-Part Muppet Movie
-Part Dave Barry column/Carl Hiassen novel (crazy barking lady)
-Part Calgon commercial (Dropping into the air-conditioned seat w/ Harry Potter had to be the closest thing to a luxurious bath given the circumstances.)
Welcome back Sheila.
Calgon, take me away!!!
Whatever happened to Calgon? Those commercials were ubiquitous in my childhood but … haven’t seen one in years, now that I think of it.
Welcome back! Sorry that it has decided to do all the rain for the ENTIRE summer this weekend. We need the rain, but sheesh, spread it out a little.
So the barking woman did not ride on the plane?
Ann Marie
OMG.
Sheila- i love how you fell deeply in love for 2 seconds. I can totally relate to that. And what a nice baggage chick to call up to him to expect your arrival.
But… I’m a little concerned about the barking woman. I reeeeaaaaaaallllly want to know why she was barking. and she had kids with her? were they barking too? did they look scared of her?
mere – hahahahahahaha “were they barking too?”
No … I really felt bad for them. They were two sweet teenage girls, with huge eyes … it was their mother … they were scared, and also very embarrassed. I think the girls might have been twins, two very pretty black girls with huge eyes – and they looked so embarrassed and shamed that I wanted to hug them and tell them it was okay. Even though: how can it be okay to have a mother who BARKS at flight attendants????
I think maybe she was having some kind of seizure – and the barking was just a manifestation of what was going on. Or maybe she had Tourette’s. I do not know.
And yes: they would not allow the barking woman on the plane. I am sure they were concerned of having some kind of barking incident on the plane.
So I don’t know what the poor teenage girls did, and how they eventually got to their destination.
One of those days where you’re just too frightened and exhausted to ask what else could possibly go wrong.
Knock on wood.
Have a great time in Chicago!
Oops – that last comment from “Alex” was actually me – Sheila. I’m on her computer and of course – since she comments on my blog almost constantly it keeps filling in her information automatically!!
Alex and I have become the same person.
“I am sure they were concerned of having some kind of barking incident on the plane.”
This sentence just HAD to be repeated.
hahahahahahaha
Listen, I have sympathy for those girls – but I do not want a woman BARKING at me when we are 30,000 feet in the air.
I think that woman must have been the mom of one of my drama camp kids ….
Jeezus! I’m exhausted just reading that!
Hope the rest of the trip turns out TONS better!
But you know if they had let that mad barking woman on the plane, she would have sat RIGHT NEXT to you!
Barking woman? Oh, so you met my sister? That’s great she’s hoot isn’t she?
Glad you are there safe – four games against the Cards this weekend — are you going to any?
Doesn’t United have those ATM-check-in thingamajigs at Newark? I love those things.
Welcome back. Did you at least treat yourself to a Cinnabon when you landed?
Cinnabon? A trip like that calls for treating yourself to a full body massage and a thirty year-old bottle of Scotch.
Emily –
when i finally arrived at Alex’s door, I had some chicken salad, as well as a glass of orange juice.
Not quite a bottle of scotch … but it did the trick.
Ugh! What a nightmare. Dreadful, literally. But now you’re with Alex and Chrisanne and Tatiana, I know you all will have a blast together this weekend. I take it you’ll be seeing both of Alex’s plays? Is Mitchell anywhere around? And Mere and Emily and Ann Marie?
I know I don’t know any of you, but somehow through this blog and Alex’s blog, I’ve come to see you as endearing characters in a fun-filled (and often poignant) book about a gaggle of amazing, brilliant, talented friends. So I feel as happy for you as I would if I were re-reading a chapter in your “book” where all the girls get together and have a hootenany of a good time. Kinda like the chapters about Roz’s family in Life is a Banquet.
:)
So how are you liking Harry Potter?
um, yeah, sheila i think i’m goind to need a demonstration of the hopping-mad barking lady –much like the one you gave me of drunk liza minelli staggering 1 hour late into the auditorium at your school. a dramatic interpretaion, if you will. it’s just something i’m going to have to insist upon. there, i said it.
I don’t get the barking lady.
Maybe it was a metaphor for something?
Just kidding. I’m glad you made it to Chicago. Have a lovely trip and don’t forget, you have another opportunity for fun and adventure on your way back!
Whatever it is, it seems to be going around.
Damn. http://normblog.typepad.com/normblog/2005/08/barking.html
I agree with Allison. Perhaps it will be as legendary as “the bloated tic.”
Deeply, DEEPLY in love. . . . . with Bill Pullman.
Sheila- I agree, I need a demo. Kind of like when the Irish boy fell in the foyer and you hissed “Shut the fuck up!!” at him! Or Liza. It needs to be shown at the sunset pool party. Also, while I was reading this story, it reminded me of our running through the streets of NY and then RUNNING up the escalator at Port Authority, knocking down Japapnese tourists. I can just see you, finally getting to your seat on the plane- everyone else is calm and cool, and you are out of breath, sweating, ha hahahahahah!!! I can NOT believe you made that flight! PS Stevie- i LOVE that you list all the people that you feel Sheila should see. Honest to God, when i first started reading your comment, I thought, “Oh! Stevie must be a friend of Alex’s- he must live in Chicago!” Then I finished reading the comment- ha ha! I know exactly what you mean!! I feel like I know everyone, too!
That sounds like one of MY trips to the airport! I’m glad you made it!
Just1Beth: yes, these wonderful people really feel like friends, even though we don’t know them. Sheila has said many times here that to read her blog is not to know her, and I understand that, and God knows I don’t want to be placed in stalkerville, but still, I feel towards Sheila and the friends she writes about something akin to the affection I feel toward favorite characters from a treasured book – maybe I don’t know the real Sheila, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love the blog Sheila. I’m glad you share my sense of that. I think it’s because Sheila’s such a fine writer, and the stories she tells about herself and her friends bring them all vividly to life. Then there’s Alex’s blog — stupendous! What an amazing, fabulous person she is, although I don’t know her either, but I love her, too.
Okay, there, I said it. Take me away, officers.
(To Stevie) I hate these white jackets they make us wear! I am tired of hugging myself!!
Oh my God. I think I held my breath the whole time I was reading that.
I once did miss a flight out of Newark because there was such a traffic jam that two buses in a row never made it back to Port Authority to pick us up. I had to go home and get another flight the next day.