The Books: “Split” (Michael Weller)

Next up in my Daily Book Excerpt:

Next on the script shelf

Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is another one-act by Michael Weller – a companion piece to At Home (which was yesterday’s excerpt) – this one is called Split. In Split, Paul and Carol from At Home have, indeed, split up – and this play is sort of about the repercussions that one couple’s breakup can have on their extended group of friends. Like – how do the friends handle it? How do the friends handle Paul or Carol dating again? It’s very 30something-ish. The play is a montage of scenes – between Paul and his friends, Paul and his new girlfriend – as well as Carol and her friends (the same friends, at times, as Paul’s friends) – and her new boyfriend.

I’ll excerpt from the first scene – basically because I LOVE the monologue that opens this play.

Margie is .. well, her mind just doesn’t work like other people’s minds. She’s sort of like Phoebe from Friends. The opening monologue cracks me up.

EXCERPT FROM Split by Michael Weller

[Table. A cafe. Paul and Margie with coffee. Cafe noises]

MARGIE. O.K. Stevie Wonder’s blind. He’s black and he’s blind. That’s a lot of things to have going against you, right, but instead of letting it mess him up he turns into this genius level songwriter-arranger-performer who’s very fulfilled spiritually according to his songs anyway plus he’s famous and rich and cool and he’s able to write all these incredibly happy upbeat numbers … and here I am this white middle-class girl with two good eyes and a college education. That’s what I was trying to explain to my shrink. Stevie Wonder makes me deeply deeply depressed. The fact that he exists is really depressing to me. And of course he said I was being adolescent, which he always says. I mean I don’t need him to tell me I’m adolescent. I need him to tell me it’s all right that I’m adolescent. [Pause] Do you want to stop talking and we’ll just sit for a while?

PAUL. No, that’s OK. Talk. It’s OK.

MARGIE. Why don’t you tell me about what happened?

PAUL. There’s nothing to tell.

MARGIE. Well, for instance, was it more of a thing where you left her, or did she leave you or what?

PAUL. I don’t want to keep boring my friends talking about it. People split up all the time.

MARGIE. A lot of them haven’t been married for six years.

PAUL. A lot of them have.

MARGIE. A lot of them aren’t my best friends.

PAUL. It’s just over, that’s all. It’s over. There’s nothing to say.

MARGIE. You know what I think, Paul? I think it’s temporary. You guys belong together. [Pause] Look, you want me to move in with you?

PAUL. Move in? You?

MARGIE. Just for a few days. While you’re getting used to Carol not being there. I’d invite you to stay with me and Bob but Bob’s learning how to play GO … it’s this Japanese game and you’d probably have to end up having to let him teach you how to play, which might not be kind of what you want to be doing for the next few days.

PAUL. No it’s not what I had in mind. Thanks anyway.

MARGIE. I’m just trying to help. It’s really lonely at the beginning. I remember when I left this guy once. He said he was a genuine Oglala Sioux Indian and I believed him for two years. Blond hair and blue eyes the guy had. He looked like Sven the Swede. Boy was he full of shit. And I was really naive. Anyway, I really missed him at the beginning even though I didn’t like him. You don’t look too good.

PAUL. There have been times in my life when I felt better, I must admit. It’s crazy; last night I … I didn’t feel like calling anyone. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was just sitting at home watching TV and getting a little drunk and I found I was thinking an awful lot about suicide.

MARGIE. Well. It’s something you should think a lot about before you take it up.

PAUL. I’m glad you called, Margie. And I have to start teaching again tomorrow.

MARGIE. You want me to talk to Carol?

PAUL. What’s the point. It’s just over.

MARGIE. I’ll talk to her. First chance I get I’m going to talk to her. I like you guys. I hate to see this happening to you. Other people, I’m glad. You I’m not glad. [Pause] Oh, that’s the other thing I meant to tell you about Stevie Wonder. He has this manager, I forgot what the guy’s name is, but he goes around killing people. Really. This guy I’m working with, the video guy I told you about before … oh, I didn’t tell you what he does, he takes movies, well, actually they’re videotapes, he takes these tapes of himself dancing to all the hit tunes … all alone in his studio. That’s one of the things he does, and the other thing … oh, and he doesn’t wear any clothes. Well, he told me his sister works at a place where there’s this guy who used to work for Stevie Wonder’s manager and he saw the guy kill someone. He actually saw it. Isn’t that amazing. Oh, and anyway, this video guy shows his tapes at parties. And all his friends dance to them, but they turn the sound off so they’re only dancing to the way the guy moves and he’s a terrible dancer. Don’t tell him I said that if you meet him. I’ll tell you next time he has a party. [Pause] Don’t worry, Paul. I’ll talk to her. It’ll be all right.

[Enter Waiter with small tray]

WAITER. Coffee and english?

MARGIE. Me.

WAITER. And ice coffee.

PAUL. And some milk with that, please.

WAITER. Did you hear something about an assassination?

MARGIE. What assassination?

WAITER. That’s what I was wondering. I guess you didn’t hear anything, huh? A guy just said. I think that’s what he said. Maybe it was ‘examination’. Gotta get my ears checked. Milk, right?

PAUL. Yes.

[The Waiter exits]

MARGIE. I know just what I’m going to say, too. Don’t worry, Paul, really.

END OF SCENE