Lessons learned from Christmas specials – By Curly McDimple.
I couldn’t even get past #1 on the list for about 5 minutes. Laughing too hard.
On the lesson learned from A Very Brady Christmas:
Suddenly bursting into song will miraculously lift the heavy rubble thereby releasing said loved one sans paralysis
In this post, Curly continues her tradition of calling cartoon characters nasty names. The tradition began here, I believe, with Curly’s bold statement: “In fact, while I’m normally loathe to use this term, I’d go so far as to say that Peppermint Patty is a cunt”. And it continues on in Curly’s Christmas post when she refers to Albert from Twas the Night Before Christmas as “a total douche bag”.
But please. Go read the whole thing.
As an aside: I would just like to add my own personal story which has a correlation to her #14, where she writes: “Santa was a bit of a dick in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Uhm – YEAH. I’d think so!! Santa? Being cold and judgmental? What??
Here is my story:
In college, I was hanging out with my friend Mitchell and a couple of other friends. We were in Mitchell’s beach house “down the line” – a rickety shack where we had some of our most insane cast parties. (“Down the line” basically meant you lived down in a shack on the beach as opposed to in the dorms. Living “down the line” was everyone’s goal in college! I lived “down the line” as well. We all did.)
So – it was Christmastime. A couple of us had hung out, ordered pizza, whatever – and then we all watched Rudolph on television. I loved it because – here we all were – 19, 20 years old – but we watched it as raptly as if we were 6.
One of our group was Emily – a very good friend of ours. Briefly, here are the facts about Emily:
— She was from the Dominican Republic
— She grew up on the streets of Providence – she was in a gang
— She also happened to be a math whiz. Not only that, but she really enjoyed math.
— She ended up coming to URI – through her math scores – and was the only minority female in the engineering department.
— Not only that, but she had a HUGE mohawk
— She also had a passion for African dance
— She would wear tiny tartan kilts, ripped black tights, and huge stomping motorcycle boots
So … put all that together … what do you have? Emily. Oh, and add onto that:
— a huge laugh
— a warm heart
— a no-bullshit attitude towards friendship – she was as loyal as the day was long – but DO NOT MESS with her
Here’s one Emily anecdote. Brooke – another girl in our crowd of friends – mentioned something about the girl’s Catholic school she had gone to in Providence – let’s call it St. Marks. Emily’s face lit up. Sincerely. And she said, “I used to throw bricks at girls from St. Marks!” She meant it in a kindly nostalgic way. Like: ohhh, those were the days, member when I threw bricks at you??
Emily got her life together in a MAJOR way and is now getting her doctorate, I believe. But back in the day, she was throwing bricks at the girls from the Catholic school.
So that’s Emily. I just need to set it up because what ended up happening was even funnier because it was EMILY who said it. The tough tattooed Mohawked ex-gang member. Who always had a calculator in her pocket.
We lay around in the living room watching Rudolph. Nobody really spoke. We were LIVING the Christmas special.
Then comes the devastating realization of Santa Claus’s coldness – and how he basically shuns Rudolph from polite society. He won’t let Rudolph join in the reindeer games – he won’t even let him hang OUT with the other reindeer!! Somehow, I took all of this in stride as a child – I just accepted that Santa was kind of an asshole – but suddenly, in this particular viewing, it seemed unbeLIEVably unfair. But I didn’t say anything. I just thought it to myself.
Maybe we all were. I don’t know. We all just had a silent moment of: “Wow. Santa’s really harsh there.”
And Emily, sprawled out on the couch, a cigarette dangling from her lips, an ashtray piled high with butts propped on her stomach, her legs with their ripped black fishnets hooked up over the back of the couch, said in a flat dry tone, with dead matter-of-fact eyes, “Santa is a racist motherfuckah.”
There was a brief pause, as we all nodded seriously, agreeing with her – we were pissed at Santa too … but then we all looked at Emily – the mohawk, the scary gang tattooes, the cigarette – she was our friend – but we suddenly saw her EXTERIOR … we all looked at each other … and just LOST IT.
We lost it so bad that we missed the rest of the TV special pretty much. Emily was laughing so riotously that she thought she would asphyxiate – she had to go outside and get some air, walk around the frosty yard, try to calm down and stop laughing. We all kept trying to calm down, and breathe through it, but we could. not. get. it. back.
Um, I think love Emily. Any chance she digs chicks? I think she and I would get along famously.
… And Donner was an anti-feminist and an abusive father ( “There are more important things than comfort: self respect!” and “No. This is man’s work.”)
Small correction, Comet was the one who said that Rudolph couldn’t play in any reindeer games, Santa just acquiesced… which makes it worse. YOU are the boss. YOU need to correct your employees behavior… You don’t say anything until it hits your bottom line. “Rudolph with your nose so brignt, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight” is equivalent as saying “Yeah, my employees treated you like crap and I didn’t do anything, but we need you to start in the championship game of the softball league.”
Aha. JFH, as always, you ROCK with the memory for this stuff!! Actually – unlike me – you probably see it on a regular yearly basis due to having children, right??
Thank you for the correction! So Santa had no balls, basically. Not good to acquiesce – people respect those who stand up to bigotry! ESPECIALLY if you’re feckin’ SANTA!! I would expect more from Santa, I really would.
I love how this has now become the makings of some undergraduate (or graduate – yikes) paper about the social and cultural relevance of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
curly –
I have no doubt you two would get along. None whatsoever! She is tough as nails – but once you get close to her, she’s a cream puff.
Jess was over the other night and we watched Rudolph together. When Donner uttered the “man’s work” line, Jess said, “EWWW!” That one really stuck in her craw. Oh and we both agreed that Rudolph and Fireball were kinda gay.
I was never really wacky about Fireball’s personality. Gotta be honest.
To take this further – perhaps Hermey the Dentist represents the crushing weight of capitalist pressure – and Yukon Cornelius represents the brash pioneer spirit of the entrepreneur – so the two of them together illuminate the diametrical forces at work in our culture.
Fireball was totally a fair-weather friend. I think he learned that trait from Santa.
Keep in mind that it was the “chicks” that found Rudolph NOT the father… where the heck was he searching?
You know when Rudolph sneaks out of the cabin? I think by himself? And leaves Hermey and Yukon snoring behind him? JFH – only Rudolph left, right?
Anyway – it always just HAUNTED me as a child that he left the door open. It still kind of bugs me. HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN. IT’S A BLIZZARD. He is trying to sneak away undetected – and he leaves the door open in a blizzard? The whirling wind and snow will wake up Hermey and Yukon immediately!
CLOSE THE DOOR.
I know I just have to accept that Rudolph doesn’t close the door – and he never WILL close the door – but every time I see it it bugs me!!
Curly, I’ve had “friends” like Fireball, as I’m sure we all have… On the bright side, who’s ever heard of Fireball since then (On the All-Star Reindeer squad? I don’t think so!)
Yeah. Fireball was a nobody.
I agree with that theory completely, Sheila. If I may add my own thoughts… The scary Bumble monster represented communism. Yukon Cornelius chasing him off the cliff represented the United States’ desire to topple this oppressive form of goverment. Hermey’s removal of the Bumble’s teeth signified that even stalwart Communists would be rendered powerless. It would be a movement without teeth, if you will.
hahahahahaha Awesome!
This could be a group project like we did with Christo’s gates!
JFH, excellent point about the chicks! Suck on it, Donner! Man’s work, my ass.
Sheila, I’m totally with you on the door thing. I found that disturbing as well. That cabin looked so warm and cozy and he left the mofo door open. I bet Rudolph also drank straight out of the milk carton and left only a shred of T.P. on the roll for the next person. You’d think his issues as a misfit would have made him a bit more considerate of others.
Curly – I can’t even express how relieved I am to know that I wasn’t the only one bugged by that!!
I was more concerned about his escape plan – Hermey and Yukon would OBVIOUSLY try to talk him out of going off by himself – so secrecy was key.
So he leaves the damn door open?
Rudolph, your nose may be bright, but mentally you ain’t the brightest bulb on the tree.
And yes – the cabin looked SO cozy. I loved their little beds piled high with blankets.
I have to say this, and I’m a little bit ashamed.
Even with the sexist attitude, I find Donner a little bit hot.
I’m mostly ashamed by this admission, though, not because Donner is a sexist pig – but because HE’S A REINDEER.
… hanging head in shame …
You better watch out for that Donner. Did you know his real name is Dunder? Then he changed it to Donder and now Donner. Something spooky about a guy changing his name all the time. And his buddy Blitzen aka Blixem too. A shady pair if you ask me.
Sheila, I had the hots for the following:
Fred from Scooby Doo
Alan from Josie & The Pussycats
Hefty Smurf
Who am I to criticize your lust of Donner? Go on with your antler-loving self.
Alan from Josie & The Pussycats?… uh, I was an Alexandra devotee… If only I could “tame” her jealousy; MAN, would she be a hot girlfriend!!
(Also, hangs his head in shame)
This is awesome. True confessions.
My first love was Underdog. And that is my final word on the matter.
Uh, no it’s not: what was it with me and animals?? No, don’t answer that.
David N – as long as his real name wasn’t Dahmer, I think I feel all right with it.
You are all insane and I love it.
This is the best post ever. I have nothing to say. Everyone who comes here is brilliant.
Red, while I don’t begrudge you your Donner lust, I would advise not accepting any invitations to any family partys they may have…
And Sweet Polly Purebread is one hot mama.
I don’t know about attraction, but Underdog had a bitchin’ theme song:
When criminals in this world appear
And break the laws that they should fear
And frighten all who see and hear
The cry goes out from far and near for Underdog!
Underdog!
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob and plunder
Underdog –
Underdog!
When in this world the headlines read
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
To rob and steal from those in need
To right this wrong with blinding speed comes Underdog!
Underdog!
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob and plunder
Underdog –
Underdog!
Hells yeah, all from memory. I didn’t just sleep through grade school, you know.
NB – I believe the elfin dentist is Hermes with an “s”. (I like to think that it’s what they had in mind with Hermes Conrad, the Jamaican bureaucrat from Futurama.)
My entire childhood is wrapped up in that theme song! I am SO impressed!!!!
I double-checked the spelling of Hermey’s name with IMDB – I wasn’t sure – Everyone calls him Herbie – but it didn’t seem right to me. They say it’s Hermey on IMDB – although I definitely like your idea for the inspiration of Hermes.
I’m never recovering from this thread! I’ve lost my entire morning coffee through my nose!
And for those of you who, for some reason or another, keep up with today’s cartoon characters, my deep shame comes from lusting after Kim Possible’s arch enemy at school. I forget her name, she’s an evil, cheerleading bitch from hell and I sit and watch the show with my daughters for a chance to see the chink in her armor that would allow me in. Though I know, Kim and I would hit it off famously!
PS. Sheila, I can’t tell you how much Rudolph’s inconsiderateness in leaving that door open has bugged me. It’s like he’s doing the most compassionate, magnanimous, self-sacrificing gesture, and he leaves the frigging door open in a blizzard?! WTF!?
oh, and Donner’s asshole comment at the end, “I always knew that nose would amount to something,” that sent murderous rage through me. “No, No way asshole, you did nothing to encourage your son’s unique and special gifts, you DO NOT get to reap any rewards! Everything Rudolph did he did, not only without your encouragement but through your discouragement, you are a piece of shit father, I don’t care how hot you are, and you do not get to rejoice!”
I’m in total agreement, David. Donner is just a fucktard all around. While it’s not covered in the beloved special, I’m willing to wager the entire contents of my Christmas stocking that Donner was guilty of the following:
— being a total tattle-tale in reindeer school. Similarly, he was two-faced
— befriending deer posthumously. He didn’t give a shit about them in life but when the deer bit it, Donner reaped the attention rewards by manufacturing a history of friendship
— line cutting at the bank, post office, et al
— slipping various does a mickey. Perhaps Rudolph’s nose was an ill-effect of a roofie (sp?)?
— not curbing his dog… or himself I guess?
— not rewinding his rental VHS tapes. What? You think that dickhead has embraced the DVD technology? No way. He only recently upgraded from Beta.
I cannot get past “befriending deer posthumously”
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Oh man. Yet another person who was bugged by Rudolph leaving the door open. We need to form a support group.
Bingley –
hahaha Excellent point about the Donner party. I think I will most definitely have other plans!
David – You have the hots for Bonnie Rockwaller too?! You know the girl that does the voice is pretty hot herself (I forget her name).
Then again Shego (voice by Nichole Sullivan of Mad TV fame) and Kim (voice by Kristy Carson Ramono) aren’t bad looking either (both the characters and the actors)…
Am I ashamed that I know so much about the show?? Uh… let me get back to you on that one.
Just looked it up, Bonnie’s voice done by Kirsten Storms (she plays Maxie Jones on General Hospital, for those of you that have no life… like me)
OH God, JFH, I forgot about Shego! SEXY! Holy mother of God could I become a cartoon character and slip into the world of Kim Possible and have a three way with Shego and Bonnie, there’d be no coming back. They’d eat me alive though. Please don’t let my children ever read this.
“They’d eat me alive though”
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
“They’d eat me alive though”
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
On second thought, maybe you should accept that invite red…
bingley – BWHAHAHAHA excellent connecting this with the Donner party – truly!! I am laughing right now! Ahhh, I yearn to be eaten alive! Donner, party of 7, your table’s ready ….
“Waiter, can you split the check 6, er, make that 5 ways?”
oh my freakin GOD!!! Im laughing so hard i cant stop!!! Emily was sooo right about Santa..ive never been able to watch that special the same way again..and the misfit toys..kinda whiny!!! David…u are a sick bastard and i love u!!!!! I had the serious hots for Aquaman on the old Justice League cartoon..i know he’s a lame-o super
hero but so hot when he’s wet(“…thats what she said!”)…and i dont think the whole capitalist/communist/indivualist theory about this special is sooo far off…makes total sense to me! Im in Vegas..that makes nooooo sense to me! My sister just said her first crush was Wonder Woman..but quickly added that i have sick friends!!!
mitchell – hahahaha I think it was you, me, Emily, Sue and Kristen. Man, such good times!!
I can just see Emily sprawled out on the couch, all pissed off about Santa.
Mitchell –
and yes. Maybe all those toys were banished to the Island of Misfit Toys because nobody (kids or adults) could deal with their WHINING!
exactly..the doll especially and the jack in the box..or whatever his name was!!!
Sandi and i are trying to plan a visit to ur neck of the woods..are u traveling in January?
charlie in the box.
Back in the box, Charlie, until you can stop your whining! Nobody wants to hear that shite.
When are you coming, Mitchell? I was planning a trip in January – but I can make sure I’m here when you come. I would LOVE to see Sandi!!!
Heheheheh. “NOBODY loves a CHARLIE in the box!” I used to have that voice spot-on.
I think they should have dumped all the misfit toys on the Burghermeister Meisterburgher’s city and watched the fun from afar.