Diary Friday

And now … the continuing story … of Sheila as a junior in high school.

I was madly in love, from afar, with “DW”. I mean, we were friends but he had no idea the LEVEL of MANIA going on in my heart. My diary entries are … highly embarrassing for me to read, because … Well. When I’m into a guy to this day, I go nuts. I’m not an even-keel girl. When I love you? I feckin’ LOVE you. I am as loyal as a damn dog. I’m not embarrassed by it anymore, because it seems to be engrained in me to love like that (when I do love – which isn’t often) – but to see me behaving this way, or feeling this way, about a 17 year old boy who … obviously had no idea … is HIGHLY disturbing. I read some of this stuff, and just CRINGE!

Which is why, naturally, I want to share it all with the Internet.

What?

FEBRUARY

Sometimes I am amazed at my ability to commence living a normal life under such stress. [bwahahahahahahahaha] How do I do homework and just be normal?

Actually, today wasn’t that bad. Confusing. I can’t really decide. Kate said to me, “Boys are confusing. Boys are life. Therefore, life is confusing.” You could substitue any word for “confusing”! [Uhm … “teapot”? “nasal labial folds”? “electoral college”? ANY word, Sheila???]

Oh Diary, yes. I am in a good mood.

Bowling was pretty bad. I got a 49. I mean, DW and I talked a little bit, but just about stupid stuff – bowling, and how his techniques were somehow eluding me. [hahahaha like he’s some professional bowler that I need to look up to.] AC was driving me crazy. I’m not mad because I love her, and I think I understand, but it still makes me mad. Whenever I would try to talk to him, or he would start talking to me, she would interrupt, or call me over. [In grown-up woman terms, young Sheila, we call that – and forgive the blunt language – a “cock-block” and it is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior on the part of a friend. Be a bitch, be a flake, be a liar, be a cheat. Fine. I’ll forgive you. But cock-block? Unacceptable. Don’t be a moron.] After bowling, she was so slow – so I missed a chance to walk back with him. I was so frustrated. I felt like slapping her and saying, “Hurry up!” If I was with Mere, or Betsy, or J, or Beth – they would have immediately known the whole situation. Mere talked me out of it in Chemistry. [Obviously instead of us, you know, LISTENING TO OUR TEACHER. hahahaha We hated our Chemistry teacher.] Mere said AC is probably just jealous. Not of me and DW (she does it to J and Nick, too – and any of her friends with guys) – but that the kid she likes is way off in Michigan [hahaha Many underlines, as though what I am really saying is: “the kid is way off in Outer Mongolia”] — she can’t have a crush the way we do. Mere and I had a long talk. I think she’s right. So I will be patient. I don’t want to risk a great friendship.

Then in French. Mr. Hodge! He is a sly conniving devil. I can’t believe he did this. We’re reading a farce in French and there was one scene left with 2 characters. And he had to pick 2 people to read, so he immediately said “DW, Sheila O’Malley.” Okay. Of course I was blase [uhm – were you? You sure about that?] but I was blushing. I hate myself for my blush. It gives everything away. [Still does.] Kate was desperately trying not to laugh – Mr. Hodge was gloating! [The Hodges – old family friends of the O’Malleys. He was my French teacher, but he had known me since I was 5 years old. I grew up across the street from the Hodges. So he was WELL aware of the fluttery teenage romance going on in his classroom.] He loved every minute of it. As for me, I almost couldn’t talk and I was having trouble breathing. [Sounds really “blase”, Sheila.] I had the most lines, too. It was a nervewracking experience! I think I did pretty well under the circumstances.

Before French — Oh yeah! 3rd period about 20 kids walked out of school to protest the fact that we have no vacation. That is so dumb. 20 kids. What are they trying to be — heroes or something? [hahaha Listen to my jaded “why bother” political consciousness…] Anyways, I came running up to French and I met DW on the way up. I turned to look at him and said, “I can’t believe those kids walked out. How stupid. What are they trying to be – the voice of our generation?” [hahahaha Sheila – why so scornful!!] DW agreed with me. They were all – to quote him – “dumprats and jerkoffs.” [Good Lord.] We talked all the way to French — I can’t even explain what it feels like to me – to be walking along so close to him. To be right next to him. Looking at him. Talking with him. I can’t even tell you what that feels like. [And then I proceed to tell you …] Pretty good!

After school there was once more an SK Pades meeting and a Drama Club rehearsal. As it was only Act II in which I have 2 lines, I wandered the halls. [Uhm. That’s kind of inappropriate.] See, right before rehearsal started I was standing in the doorway just watching everyone go by, and my heart bounded when I saw him come along and go into the caf. In fact I screamed “YAY” right there and pirouetted into the Music Room. [More evidence of my essentially blase behavior.] So that’s why I decided to roam around. [Some people would call it “stalking”, Sheila.]

Luck was with me. As I came out of the Music Room, he was just coming out of the caf. I knew he was gonna come over when he saw me. I just knew it. And he did. He came over saying, “Ah, is that the SK Pades meeting?” And I said, “No – it’s Man Who Came to Dinner.” [Sorry, Mere] Then he said somethinig like, “Well – here you see the perfect technical advisor you need –” Who knows. [Observation: He hadn’t listened to my answer to his question – didn’t hear a word I said – and his bizarre response was to what he ASSUMED I would say – that SK Pades would need his “technical” advice. I love how I wrote “Who knows”. I forgave him, because – well – I was 16 years old. He’s lucky he didn’t blatantly ignore what I said NOW because I would call him on it, and say, “Did you hear what I just said? Or are you just interested in hearing yourself talk?” It’s only annoying because he asked me a question, and then didn’t respond to what I actually said. But that “who knows” is pretty funny. I was aware of the situation, and I said “who knows” to his bizarre content.]

He is so gorgeous, Diary. I CAN’T STAND IT. I love love looking at him closely. Then I went back to rehearsal, left again, wandered around. I ran into him at least 4 times. It seemed like whenever I turned around he was there. Maybe it’s the other way around. [hahaha At least I was being honest with myself!] I couldn’t find the SK Pades meeting so I was on the first floor peeking into Room 109, DW was standing right there in the lobby with his friend Bob – he saw me peeking around – [I am shaking with laughter. Sheila – why are you PEEKING around corners??] I was aware of him – glancing at me – then he realized what I was looking for – he said, “Oh, Sheila –” I turned to look at him. “I heard that the meeting is going to be in the hall outside the caf.” I nodded, said, “Merci” and ran off. But what struck me was the way he went “Sheila“. I can still hear him saying it. My name. I love it when he says my name. [Ouch. How embarrassing.]

The best is yet to come.

I never did find the meeting. But I was standing by the mural with Beth on the first floor – we were both lost – I was also hoping that DW would come out of the band room. I knew he was in there because I peeked in [STOP PEEKING. JUST. STOP. IT.] and saw his coat. Well, I heard his voice around the corner. My heart throbbed. (Sure it did, Sheila.) [Ha. That was my own little editorial commentary that I made at the TIME – busting myself on my melodrama. Funny.] Anyways, he came over to us. Katy was there, she wanted to meet him as she always has to write letters to him from the JH Student Council, so when he came over I said to him, “This is Katy.” Katy smiled her shy little smile – He was so nice. He was like, “So this is Katy! I’d know a Hodge anywhere!” Then she left and it was me, DW and Beth. We talked for a while about the walkout. [hahahaha Big news in high school!!]. He was kind of kicking the wall right next to me – [Uhm – violently] – He was standing so close to me, I mean really close. I had to arch my neck back all the way just to look at him. [That’s fine. As long as you stop “peeking” at him, for God’s sake.] I sound like a computer rattling off facts. I should tell you what it felt like to be so near him, but how do I word that? I tjust — it feels very good. I said, “DW, do you know who the kids were that walked out?” He shook his head, still kicking the wall. “Nope – but I do know that some may not graduate.” I stared at him – “Really? I didn’t know they were seniors. God! They were so dumb!” He nodded, shruggling, glanced over his shoulder, “Well, if I were a dumprat, I would have joined them, but –” “They’re really not gonna graduate?” “They probably wouldn’t have graduated anyway!” Beth said. This was a winner. I was already laughing – something about the whole conversation was so funny – and DW stopped talking, looked down at Beth, and just burst out laughing. [Ah yes. To be 16 and to laugh at the misfortune of our fellow “dump rats”. Those were the days!]

I loved DW’s real llaughing smile on his face. Oh Diary. He’s so sexy. [That is written in nearly microscopic lettering. Clearly I felt I was REALLY being bold and wanton here … and so I needed to hide my lasciviousness with the teeni-ness of my lettering.]

Beth then sidled away so that he and I were all alone by the mural. Beth’s not like AC who has no clue!!

I just stood there staring up at the mural, and he stood there kicking the wall. [Dude. Stop kicking the wall. What is your problem?] The silence got awful. My brain was screaming: “Say something DAMMIT!” So I turned around to look up at him, he was already looking at me – for one time I didn’t look away, so – we just stood there looking at each other. He just looked serious. I know I was smiling sort of shyly. I’m sure it wasn’t as long as it felt like, but – Oh I could kill myself. I blew it AGAIN! I was the one to break the silence. I can’t believe I’m so dumb. And I said something stupid like, “French was fun today.” And of course he said, “Oh yeah …” blah blah – all normal stuff – nothing abnormal. I was hating myself inside. Right after that, DW started for the phone booth saying, “Well, I should be going to girls basketball but I have to go home so I can run before it gets too dark, and I have homework …” [Why is he going to girls basketball? To be a “technical advisor”?] I smiled – “Wow, are you in demand!” Inside, my knees are melting, and I’m screeching, “YOU JERK!” Then right before he went into the booth, he turned to me smilng, “Well … whatever you do … take care of yourself.” Then he disappeared and I RAN down the hall hearing “take care of yourself” blasting in my ears. Not just “Bye” or “See ya later” – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Why didn’t he go to the dance? I’m so mad.

I’ve been thinking about that first dance (Homecoming) and it’s strange. I’m very glad I asked him to dance, because a friendship really is growing here. There wasn’t one at all last year. I think somehow – that me asking him to dance didn’t ruin things. It made them better. I don’t know how but it’s different now. Although I am glad I asked him – I’m sort of glad he couldn’t – (not wouldn’t! hee hee!) because we had all this extra time to talk. I know him a little better every day. Practically every day we talk. I’m glad. I’m glad I asked him because I think he knows that I feel a little more (I hope I don’t reveal all I feel) [Then stop pirouetting in public] and I can feel him getting closer to me, if you know what I mean. I’m perceptive enough to see that. In his own way, I feel like I’m getting to know him a little bit, and that excites me. He’s a person. I want to know all his facets. I mean, just lately I’ve seen other sides of him. The gentle side, the nice side, maybe even the shy side. Before, I would have said: DW shy? Gentle? HA! Last year, I would have said – DW nice? But he is! And he’s funny too. And — I’ve thought about this a lot – I think he is shy. Or maybe just a little more inhibited than I am. He’s not awkward really but he’s so different from what I used to think of him!

I wonder what he thinks about.