Old-timers will remember the Adventures of Alex and Sheila, shared on my blog and on Alex’s Live Journal. We have gone through a lot (much of it of our own making). We have had automobile mishaps, we drove through the desert to see Liza Minnelli in Las Vegas, we literally tried to join a cult – multiple times – and one scary night we walked through a crime scene before the police arrived, and there was literally a dead body on the sidewalk. We clutched one another and ran, as police cars swarmed onto the scene. All of this we both documented on our respective sites. Then blogging changed and social media happened, and etc. Our friendship continues, as do our adventures, but, you know, it’s not documented here. In 2006, Alex (Alexandra Billings) was hired as a guest actor on Grey’s Anatomy. 20 years ago, when the show was not just a hit but a mass phenomenon in an era where a monoculture still somewhat existed. It was an historic casting because she – a trans woman – was cast as a trans woman. I think it was the first time that happened. She told me all the stories of her experience, and I remember the stories about Eric Dane (i.e. McSteamy) back then and who he was to her during the couple of days shooting her scenes on that set (which was (is?) notorious for being a chaotic set (or at least it was back then. Multiple friends of mine appeared on that show and they’ve all got stories of the chaos.) Alex was a different kind of guest star because of her own personal circumstance and the big-ness of casting her in the first place. Eric Dane intuited this. It wasn’t “just another episode”.
So. In the wake of his tragic passing at the age of 53 from ALS, Alex shared the story on her Instagram live and I want to embed it here because it’s worth hearing. As Alex says, the story shows his character. And remember who he was then. The hunkiest hunk who ever hunked, the McSteamy who overtook McDreamy. Without breaking a sweat. There’s a lot of talk about masculinity these days and honestly I’m freakin sick of it. All these pathetic nerds blathering on about high status and muscle mass … their hatred of women, their contempt. I don’t allow cruel men in my life. Or men who have that bristling sense of resentment and too much to prove. I have built up antibodies against these types. I did not grow up surrounded by guys who tried to be macho, or who were insecure and had to pound their chest. My dad wasn’t like that. My uncles – many of whom were veterans – weren’t like that. My boyfriends and … lovers? Ew. But whatever … were not like that. And so I reject the manosphere’s narrow limited – and limiting – version of “manliness” – entirely – and actually consider it to be a poison at the heart of the republic. They disgust me. A “real” man shows leadership, compassion, and care.
Here’s Alex and Eric, in the scene she describes in her Insta live.
This is about Eric Dane. I am so glad I watched Countdown last summer! I watched for Jensen Ackles, but for me it quickly became about Eric Dane, who had just made the announcement he had ALS. Countdown was, then, his swan song. By the time the show came out, he had lost the use of one of his arms. During a press junket in a hotel room, he was interviewed alongside Jensen. So many of the questions were not about Countdown but about ALS and Dane’s health, and Jensen sat there, strongly and silently supporting him. When Eric joined the cast, he only told a couple people of his diagnosis, one of whom was Jensen. This touches my heart.
During this junket, a well-intentioned reporter – she was just doing her job – asked Eric to talk about his doctor (whom he had just praised on, I think, The View?), and how the doctor gave him “hope”. Again, she was just doing her job and she was an entertainment reporter. And Eric said, and I never forgot it, “Well, with ALS, all a doctor can do is monitor the decline.” He wasn’t dissing her, he was just speaking plainly about what ALS is and the horror of it. And “monitor the decline” – with its terrible finality – just sat there in the room. Jensen didn’t flinch, his head bowed, nodding quietly, flowing his support to his right, to Eric. You could see the reporter’s face, the light drain out of it, the smile kind of frozen because the truth of what he was facing was right there. She clearly did not know what to say, but managed to say, “I truly wish you the best and thank you so much for speaking with me.” Which was lovely.
It is a great credit to Eric Dane – and to other sufferers of that horror of a disease, and those who care for their loved ones suffering – that he spoke the truth, that he did not talk about hope to make her feel comfortable or to fulfill his obligation to the unspoken “script” for these kinds of events, and also the general “need” for everything to have a hopeful ending. Well, ALS doesn’t play by those rules. He was 53 years old, he has daughters, and he would die soon. This is the reality. He calmly and un-melodramatically spoke the truth. You could see it hit Jensen, you could see it hit the reporter – and in that moment, a space was cleared for him to be in his own truth, and also a space for Jensen and the reporter to listen and understand.
I don’t normally share Instagram stuff, so let’s see how this goes.
Alex shares who Eric Dane was to her – in those three days of shooting Grey’s Anatomy 20 years ago – when he sensed, correctly, that the episode was not about him. And he gracefully – graciously – with his calm and centered undeniable masculinity – handed Alex the mic.
I remember that moment with the journalist, and I remember you talking about how he treated Alex on set, so when I saw the news of his passing, I came straight here. Thank you for sharing. I knew this was coming, but it came fast, and I was still shocked.
Yes we had a big discussion about him, I remember! It feels salutary now – I always had a warm feeling about him because he was so kind to my friend – that we would have Countdown to just have a moment to appreciate him.
I watched his “last words” on Netflix which was very difficult to get through but figured I needed to watch it out of respect. It was overwhelming. He was a good person, aware of his flaws, who had worked hard for his stability. It’s so sad.
Sheila, thank you for this. Have been following Alex since I first read about her here years ago. Fascinating woman, lovely soul, talented beyond belief. You are blessed to be in each other’s lives. I’ve heard only good things about Eric Dane. The good die so young.
Hi Melissa – thank you so much for the kind words. For a while, my blog here was a joint blog – or it was more like our two blogs were just talking to each other! Thanks for coming along for the ride.
I too haven’t heard any bad things about him – and loved seeing him in the junkets last summer for Countdown. He was already so compromised physically, it was very rapid for him, but he loved working so much and I’m so glad he was well enough to have that time.
What an absolutely beautiful tribute-I’m in tears.
I feel the same way – i have watched it about 5 times and I’m in tears very time.
sorry one more thing – It’s just the perfect tribute because it’s about who he was as a person AND an actor – as well as a leader on that set! He was her advocate and he just did it naturally. Guest actors come in, do their thing, and leave – and often the main cast would never take the time to make SURE the guest actors feel welcome. Not saying anything about Grey’s Anatomy but I just know not every episodic TV show runs like that. The cast of ER are “notorious” for their kindness towards guest actors. They really include the guest actors in everything, eat with them, get to know them – making them feel like they’re not guests, but cast members – as indeed they are, for 3 days or whatever. This is rare (first of all there’s just not enough time in episodic television to get to know all the guest stars.). So I know how much it meant to alex, especially since her appearance was such a big deal to her and he somehow intuited that. I love him for it!