Diary Friday

The continuing stoooooooooory of my experience getting into Picnic my senior year in high school.

Here’s the first part.

More below …

SEPTMEBER 26

Diary — I made callbacks. There are about 12 girls called back — on the notice, it’s under a column titled: Women. [hahahaha That was a big deal – to be grouped under that headline, as opposed to “Girls”] There are 12 20-year-old Drama majors! I’m good enough to be called back!

Oh. But today was horrendous. First of all – Oh GOD – TS wasn’t called back. I know it has nothing to do with me, and I’m so disappointed for him. I haven’t talked to him yet. I know he knows cause on the notice on this bulletin board in the Centre we had to initial next to our names, so I know that when TS went he saw my name and my “SOM”.

I’m writing this to you now from my bed. [Who do you think you are – Anais Nin?] I guess I fell asleep at about 6:00. It’s only 7:30 now. I’m so tired. I wish I hadn’t woken up. I wish I could just sleep entirely through sucky days. Now that I’m up I have to think. [And … that’s a bad thing?]

Today’s Wednesday. TS and I were gonna go out. He hasn’t called. [Oh. So that’s it!] Damn. I wish I had kept sleeping. I wish I could talk to him. I WON’T apologize for making callbacks but STILL – he made me go, he’s a Drama major [this is hilarious – Once I got to college, I would never say the words “Drama major” – if anything it was “Theatre major” – which sounds much better, more professional … Drama major???] I’m sure he did a wonderful audition. They probably just didn’t see him as Howard. [One of the great parts in the play]

My life.

What a day. One thing made it all worthwhile. After school, I had a Drama Club officer’s meeting. After that, Kate and I were sitting out front waiting for rides. As we sat there, this car drove through the driveway, and Marisa was honestly leaning out of the window – waist up – and she screamed, “Hi, Sheila and Kate! I love you!”

Kate and I both gleefully ecstatically waved and yelled, “I LOVE YOU” There were others around, but – Marisa. Later on, Kate and I were still sitting there and across the front lawn on the main road, the car went by again (about 5 minutes later) – and I got this flying glimpse of a protruding head and crazy hair and all I could hear was this screeching, “SHEILA! KATE! I LOVE YOU!” [hahahahahahahaha] Isn’t she incredible? The whole thing with Marisa shouting at us shocked me into the RIGHT reality. Kate and I were just laughing and crying at the same time. I could feel myself crying, but I was also laughing until it hurt. Kate said, “That’s what makes the world go round.” Yup. That was worth getting up for.

Oh. He hasn’t called.

He isn’t the type to be mad cause I made callbacks. [Okay. I can no longer keep silent. Sheila: The proper terminology is: “I GOT called back” not “I made callbacks”. Thanks.] That isn’t giving him any credit, because he’s a great person.

I don’t know what he’s feeling the majority of the time. [Welcome to a relationship.]

There was one thing that happened on Friday that’s really confused me. [TS and I were dating. It was relatively new at this point. I was still freaking out about it. I never stopped freaking out, actually – but that’s what’s going on here. We would go out to movies once a week. He was 19. Out of high school.] We walked home in the dark – talked about our usual things – comedians, movies, drama. [Oh for God’s sake. How about “theatre”?? That’s a MUCH better word.] We talked a lot about Clint Eastwood. Then we got to Barber Lane – a small hill – totally surrounded by trees – and the darkness was almost liquidy there. It had substance it was so thick. I mean, I could feel that TS was there but I couldn’t see him. It was pitch black. As we turned down onto it, I heard TS sort of laugh, as a joke, ‘Hey — Sheila — what are you doin’ to me?” Oh, you’d have had to hear him. It was just strange. I was laughing at how dark it was, and then – suddenly – TS grabbed me tightly around the waist, pretending to be scared, going, “Lions and tigers and bears …”

I mean, it was like really dark. [Like, totally?] Suddenly, he had his arm around my waist – and he made it as a joke – you know – “Lions and tigers” – but I didn’t know what to do or what I was supposed to do. I mean, I could hardly see him. So practically immediately, TS let me go, and we walked to my house talking in a perfectly normal way. I was still like: WHAT JUST HAPPENED? [I love how important everything is.]

When we got to my house, all the lights were off, including in my parents’ room. I didn’t think of it until later but I should have at least invited him in.

I apologized to him on Sunday. I still think it was rude. He said it never occurred to him. So we were standing at the end of the driveway, and that’s when he suggested, “So … you want to go to Shadow of a Doubt next Wednesday?” [I love that we would go see these noir classics – I think there was a film festival going on at the university. That’s the first time I saw Out of the Past, and Double Indemnity – on dates with TS. So fun!!] I said yes. We were standing 5 feet away from each other.

TS doesn’t go around touching people. I have more trouble verbally. So we get very awkward. Cause sometimes, you know, if TS makes a dumb joke or something, he always “bows his head in shame”, so sometimes I lean over to pat him comfortingly on the shoulder. And even with just that, I can feel something in him just react to that – just me patting him on the shoulder. I mean, it’s not like he jumps away or winces or flinches – but I can feel that he can feel it. I don’t know what any of this means.

He hasn’t called me. [This is really the main point here.]

Oh, why did I wake up?

Tomorrow are the final auditions. I have to go to those alone. Oh, I want to talk to TS. I wish we had gone out today. What a ROTTEN day. Now I’ll never go back to sleep. I have no damn stability in my life now. Too many crazy breathless things are happening: this play, TS, school, auditions –

I feel sick sick sick sick sick SICK

I feel so sick. [You got that?]

What fun is going to auditions if I never talk to TS again? [Or: How can I enjoy my life without someone to share it with, you mean? Dont’ worry, Sheila – you’ll become really good at it! It’s easy once you get the hang of it!]

I swear to God. Thinking is dangerous for me.

[To be honest, I don’t really know what is going on here. It all seems to be based on the fact that he hadn’t called me – AND that I had “made callbacks” and he didn’t – and I was afraid he would be mad or hurt by that. This is my guess. It seems rather simple …. but oh well. I was 17 and everything was VERY dramatic!! What is awesome here, in retrospect, is how truly NERVOUS I was about this whole ‘callback’ thing – it was like I had started a train, and now it was getting away from me, and I had to run to keep up. But I had done it. I had auditioned and I got called back. Can’t stop now! Let’s see this thing thru to the end. I discovered a lot of GUMPTION that I didn’t know I had during this period in my life.]

SEPTEMBER 27

Just came back from callbacks. Cast list up tomorrow.

[The following is written in miniscule letters.] I don’t even want to open my mouth. I just have to wait and see what happens.

[Back to regular lettering] It’s late now, but I’m still staring around me with bug eyes. [Wow. What an attractive image.]

Today was – my face was perpetually upside down. TS didn’t call. [Oh man. Nothing quiiiiiiiiite like that whole “he didn’t call” agony] I was feeling sick about callbacks anyway, and having him not call was like – Blahhhhhhhh

What an awful week.

Anyways. Anne passed on some info to me. She told me that she was talking to her brother [He and TS were best friends] and she told him that TS and I had both tried out and only I had made callbacks, and her brother burst into hysterics. Anne told him that I was sort of bothered about it and her brother said, “She’s not gonna let that stop her, is she? She’s not gonna let that get to her – screw TS’s feelings – GO!”

I’ve been thinking about it and TS is more abnormal than that. Like – I can’t imagine he would get jealous and petty about me getting callbacks. He is an exceptional human being and he likes me. Why didn’t he call????

[Yes. That is exactly how I put together those sentences. Oh, it’s so full of pathos, isn’t it???]

So the whole thing Anne told me made me feel better.

After I got off work, I had an hour and 15 minutes to wait – so I was going crazy. I wandered around. I bought a soda. I thought of calling J or something – but I decided: “No. I am, for once, going to do this with only me to supply the strength.” [GOOD FOR YOU!]

It was new for me. TS wasn’t there to help me. No one but me. As I walked alone up the Centre stairs, I was thinking, “Anyone who thinks I’m not strong doesn’t know me.” I didn’t feel strong – but I knew that I could do it on my own.

I was totally dying. Dying.

I was so so nervous. Nervous isn’t even the stupid word.

I want to tell details, but I also don’t want to. If I don’t get the part, I don’t want to talk about it again. Only ONE other girl was there for Millie, and I read for Millie more than she did. But I still don’t know.

When I become a Drama major [sigh], I hope I don’t turn into like some of those people I saw there. So fakey. So showoffy. I just sat in a corner, read my script, and glared at them. [hahahahahaha] The four guys who were reading were WICKED cool. I really liked THEM.

I think I did okay. Well. I DO.

There’s so much more to say – but I can’t talk details.

I’m killing myself. I hate this. I want to see TS.

[So fascinating. How he totally stopped calling when I got called back. And how I was literally FORCED to go thru the whole thing on my own steam. I had to just keep going, despite my nerves, and despite the fact that I was nervous the whole thing would separate me from TS. Again, like I said – I found reserves in me thru this whole thing I didn’t know I had. And now – we come to the next entry – which still makes me smile, when I look at it.]

SEPTEMBER 28

I’m in I’m in I’m IN!