Diary Friday

So I promised David I would post this. It’s one of my first Diary Friday REQUESTS. The funny thing about a friend making a request: “Oh, could you post the entries about this event …” is that, in general, if it didn’t happen in the last 5 years when my journalling has slacked off – then I WILL have the event in the pages somewhere. Very bizarre.

David and I were talking about our very similar beginnings in the college theatre program – coming in as outsiders into this clicque-y atmosphere. And David started asking me to tell him the story of Picnic and how I got in and yadda yadda … It was so fun to relive it! Haven’t told that story in years. Basically, I was 17 – a senior in high school (WAY past the immaturity of my junior year, when all I could think about was “DW” – Oh, I was WAY beyond that …) – and thru the guy I was dating at the time – who was 19, and already in college (hubba hubba) – I heard about auditions for the big fall college production which was Inge’s Picnic. And I somehow found out that there was a 16 year old girl in the play – so I went and auditioned. Long story short, I got in.

Playing Millie, as a 17 year old, surrounded by theatre majors in COLLEGE and also adult actors – was a turning point in my life.

And I knew it at the time.

So for the next couple of Diary Fridays, I’m going to post my diary entries for the whole Picnic thing. Funny thing is: I made friends during that experience who are still friends today. I have my first impressions of them in my journal – but thru the show, we became best friends – many of them live here in New York (you know – actors) – and our friendships live on. Like I said: Picnic was huge. I would be a different person and I would have a different life if I hadn’t snagged the part of Millie.

David: this one’s for you!!

SEPTEMBER 22

Tomorrow I am going to audition for a URI play – open auditions – for Picnic – (I believe there’s a 16 year old girl in it). TS wangled me into it. OH I HOPE HE’S THERE!

I know I know I can’t go alone. I feel ill.

SEPTEMBER 23

Diary, I feel physically ill. [The continuing theme.] I haven’t gone yet. I can’t stand how paralyzed and totally SICK I feel. Last night I was feeling so weird that I called Mrs. McNeil [the drama teacher at the high school] to ask her if I should do it. She wasn’t at home (a babysitter answered) but Mrs. McNeil called back right at 8:30 – when the sitter said they’d get back. So I told her about auditions and she said, “Yes. Do it, Sheila. You have absolutely nothing to lose. I mean – just for the experience. And since you’ll be going there next year as a drama major – why not make yourself known now?”

There is a “homely 16 year old girl” in it. Mrs. McNeil said, “Aha! So you’re walking in there with an advantage. Not every college student can look 16 – but you are!”

I am so sickly nervous. I want TS to be there. I don’t know if I can do this alone. TS probably went yesterday – but he said he’d come on Sunday to give me “immoral support”.

Mrs. McNeil told me to call her the minute I got back. She said, “I can’t wait till Monday to hear about it.”

Oh help me – listen to the ad in the paper:

“The production, directed by Kimber Wheelock, will be done in the Robert E. Will Theatre, November 29 through December 8. It is the theatre department’s entry in this year’s American College Theatre Festival, and therefore may be invited to the regional festival at UNH in February and the national festival at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC in April. Auditions will consist of reading from the script and are open to all.”

Good Lord. I want to audition with someone. God – do professionals ever get used to feeling this way? [No. But they actually start to enjoy it.]

Later:

I am bouncing off the walls! I am a pinball! Someone calm me down! I don’t know if I can make a living at this – I mean, feeling this way all the time – My adrenaline! I’m — I’m gone! I’m going nuts!

What a morning.

Wowee.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I just lay in bed honestly worrying myself sick. [In looking back, I would say that what I was experiencing was NOT really worry. It was the birth of my ambition. Or – re-birth, maybe. My ambition was so huge and so ferocious that at first it actually gave me anxiety when it would come up. I wanted this part so badly that it literally ate away at me.] I had to go to the bathroom about every minute. And last night, real late – the last M*A*S*H* was on – Oh my God. Maybe I was in for a good cry. It is beyond my comprehension how the MASH people did it. Everyone – the actors, the writers – I went up to my room and CRIED AND CRIED. I didn’t sleep at all. I just lay there feeling sick and worried. I kept thinking, “Nervousness can be good” but all I felt like was throwing up. I’m serious.

I got up on my own accord at like 8:00 (auditions at 11:00). I just was pacing. I wanted to get hold of a script but where? I had no idea what the auditions would be like. I saw myself as they would see me – a bumbling high school kid, humiliated and ridiculed.

I just had a nap. I still can’t eat anything. I’m starved but the sight of food makes me feel gross.

At about 10:00, I really didn’t want to go. But I had to. Mrs. McNeil would want to hear about it and I just couldn’t say, “I chickened out.” So I called TS. This time I got him out of the shower. GREAT. Again, he answered with this grunt. I said, “Hi – it’s Sheila.” I asked him, “Did you go to the auditions yesterday?” And he said, “Auditions? What the hell are you talking about, Sheila?” I KNEW somewhere in the back of my mind that he was kidding, but I still got all flustered, and stuttering. Finally I said, “You know what I’m talking about.” Turns out that he didn’t go yesterday, so he was getting ready to go today. I felt so relieved. Thank God! Someone I knew! I wonder how I’m gonna do in New York. I know one thing: I would have gone even if he didn’t. But it made me feel so much better that there would be a familiar face there.

So then off I started. I walked there . I needed to do something with my coursing adrenaline. I felt like screaming, I felt roller-coaster sickness when I thought of auditioning.

It was a gorgeous perfect breezy day. We’ve really had beautiful Garden of Eden days lately. And everything is so green and yellow and blue. It was perfect exhilarating weather – just right for my mood.

And – just as I was walking down the road, I heard this, “Sheila! Sheila!” Mrs. McNeil was just driving by so she pulled over. Rebecca – her too-cute-to-be-true daughter was in the back seat. Mrs. McNeil said, “I was just thinking about you!” So we talked – she wished me luck and off I went. I kept pounding it into my head, “This is a good experience. This is a good experience.” But I was scared out of my MIND.

I finally got to the Fine Arts Center. All these Drama majors were milling around. They all knew each other. They all knew the play. I felt so country bumpkinish and disgustingly juvenile. In fact, I sort of hid in the bathroom. I was so scared and shy, and I had no idea what I was doing. I almost left. I really did. My teeth were chattering, I was all over goosebumps. I sat on this bench for about 15 minutes thinking, “Where is TS?”

The way the lobby is set up – there are benches around these huge square columns so I was sitting on an isolated side where no one could see me. I came so close to getting up and leaving when I heard on the other side, this guy saying, “Are you auditioning?” And I heard TS’ voice, “Yes.” I really am glad he came. I was practically crying I was so scared and afraid to move that I’d humiliate myself. So TS found me huddled alone, and he sort of told me what to do. There was this other guy on the other side with forms we had to fill out. [He ended up becoming a great friend of mine.] So TS and I sat together and filled them out. Easty stuff. Height, weight, previous experience, any disabilities, and when we couldn’t rehearse. I felt so idiotic writing: “Monday thru Friday – 8:00 to 2:00.” Oh well. I can’t help it that I’m still in disgusting high school.

He also gave me a script to study. So we had a 15 minute wait, so TS and I just sat together quietly, reading. There was really only one part I could go for. That was the 16 year old girl Millie. I LOVE her. She’s shy with boys, but covers it up by being really aggressive. God, she’s so cute. The whole time I was reading I could hear myself saying her lines. I guess I looked pretty corpse-ish cause TS said, “You look like you’re on Death Row!” I read all the Millie scenes about 3 times – then TS and I just sat there whispering about the play. He’s such a cool guy.

The way they ran the auditions is that the director (Kimber Wheelock – dear Lord!) and two Drama majors would help with the auditions by reading opposite the auditioners. What I liked was that they auditioned us one by one so that I wouldn’t have to be intimidated by anyone else, and I could interpret it in my own way. But it was nerve-wracking anyway.

I still have to tell about our date on Friday. It was great!

So this really nice lady who acted really informal and nice came out and took the forms off the pile one by one and brought the person in. TS went before me. I love having a theatre gung-ho person as my friend. We really relate. He’s so so so terrific.

I went after TS. When he came out, she called, “Sheila O’Malley” and I stood up. TS said, “Do you want me to wait for you?” and me – the stupid idiotic girl – said, “Oh yes – would you?” Boy do I deserve a kick in the head. [Even back then, I was paranoid about being “too much” for whatever guy I was with. ]

The lady [hmmm … have no idea who this “lady” was. She was probably a theatre student which meant she was, oh, 20 years old … but to me, she was EONS older than I was!!] knew I was in high school so as we walked in the room she asked me if I knew Kimber, told me just to relax. God, everyone was so nice to me.

I was mostly just worried that everyone would be like: “Oh. You’re in — high school” in a derogatory way, and just dismiss me, not give me a chance.

The audition room was one of the acting class rooms. I’ve been in them before. They’re huge – but no architecture at all. It almost looks like a gym – or just a box with tape on the floor. [I didn’t know the lingo yet. Rooms like that are actually called “black boxes”.] Really bleak. And there was Kimber behind a desk, smoking on his pipe. And there was a guy and a girl there. [This completely cracks me up. This “guy and a girl” turned out to be Brett and Liz – people who are now two of my dearest friends on the planet. This is the first contact!!] I had seen the girl in a play before.

The minute I got into the room, I wasn’t nervous anymore. In the middle of the room were 2 chairs facing each other. Kimber told me to sit in one. I did. I was ON DISPLAY!

He read over my form and said, “So. You’re still in high school?” I didn’t feel at all stupid saying, “Yes.”

I glanced over at the two theatre majors and the guy grinned reassuringly at me. They were both probably 20 or so. Kimber told the girl to go up and read with me.

It was a great scene. I’m dressed up for the picnic and nervous about my first date and I’m talking to my older sister Madge. The minute I started reading, I knew I was in control. I know how to act. In fact, I think I did pretty damn well considering how sick I felt before. Then we had to read another scene that the guy was in too. He played the paper boy – and he was calling me names like “Goon face” and making fun of me – and I had to scream: “YOU ORNERY BASTARD.” Well, I did scream. I hope I didn’t make a fool of myself. I felt my whole face get hot when I screamed. I don’t know. What a wonderful part Millie is anyway.

After that Kimber just said, “Thank you, Sheila.” And the lady escorted me out. She told me that the cast list would be posted on Tuesday. TUESDAY! TWO DAYS! I’m dying already.

Oh God. I felt good about myself. Everyone was just nice. Nevertheless I mean it when I say I have no fingernails left.

Then TS and I left together. We were both practically screeching with all the left-over energy we were housing. [Housing? hahahaha What a funny word choice. Not quite right.] I still felt all rattled and frenzied. To beat off some of it, we just wandered around the sunny campus talking about our auditions, how we thought we did and all that stuff. We went over to the Union to see if the book store was open. It wasn’t. So then we decided to walk back to my house and he could call his mom from there. Boy, have I walked a lot today.

We just talked. He kept saying, “Are you still quaking?”

[Interesting: The whole “quaking” thing I truly believe was a way for me to shield myself and others from my ambition – which was actually quite ruthless. I had an iron will and I took no prisoners. This made me nervous about myself. It was easier to just act “nervous” – which is a much more acceptable attitude – than to let people see how much I wanted it, and how much I had a “GET OUT OF MY WAY” ferocity to my drive. I was also nervous about seeming like I was competitive with my boyfriend – TS. HE needed to do better than I did. All of this was going on unconsciously, and I am just guessing at what was really going on back then. Turns out – I did get in this show – and TS did not – and we drifted apart for a good long while. I moved into another realm. I moved ahead. We ended up getting back together a couple months later – but once I finally opened up and let that ambition in – there was little room for anything else. I am only realizing this now.]

He decided to walk home. “Work off my tension.”

I was just so wired.

He’s so neat, Diary. I am really glad he was there today.

I still have to tell about our Friday night date, and also about what happened at mass tonight, but it’s late and I have school tomorrow. I still can’t eat a thing.

SEPTEMBER 24

All right. Sit down.

I either got a part, or I made callbacks.

Can you believe this.

I don’t know WHICH though because I went out with Kate today after school and when I came home Siobhan [who was 8 years old at this point] had taken this message when I am going to keep FOREVER. I love her as much as life, you know. And listen to how CUTE she is. Her writing is in pencil, and it is huge and uneven:

“do a play at the same place on Thursday night at 7:30 URI Love Siobhan”

I can’t stand it.

I don’t know what it means, though. [hahahahahahahaha]

I’m gonna go tomorrow to see if there’s a cast list or a callback list. But can you imagine? If I even just made callbacks – I was good enough to be called back! This way at least I’ll know if I don’t make it that it wasn’t only because I’m in high school.

Oh My God

If I get into this my life will never ever be the same again.

Am I good? Someone tell me. Am I any good? I mean, this is getting to be big time.

What if I get a fuckin’ part in this thing?
What if I have gotten into this play?
I will die.

This weekend has been a rough one to get through, but I did it. And on my own steam. I feel very vulnerable right now. For some reason, all my defenses are down. I think it’s because of who I am. This weekend was not a weekend. It was crazy. I got no sleep. I ate nothing. And I went and acted – which further lowered my shields. Because no matter how much I want to be irrevocably me – and be free and unselfconscious – I have my walls up. But not now for some reason. I better be careful. Acting does lower my defenses. Sometimes I feel so scared in school because nobody would protect my vulnerability there.

Okay. So TS and me. Friday.

I called him and the minute we talked, I felt better.

Oh yeah. One more thing. When he came over after the auditions – he had to get back home – but before he left though, he came out on the porch to say hi to Dad and stuff. As TS called home, I went out to say hi. I glanced back inside and I saw TS coming thru the dining room – I saw him look down, see my Diary (this Diary!!), pick it up, and just walk out on the porch. He and my Dad talked for a little bit – then he held up the book and grinned at me. “Look what I found!” I made a grab for it but he held it back and said, “God, my fingers are burning up just holding it.”

I just want to say about Friday that I had a great time. You know how I’ve been feeling about myself. Because of him. I don’t like it. Friday night I was me. And I felt so much more comfortable and at ease. And good about myself. Seeing him cheered me up. What a cheerer-upper he is. I LOVE THE GUY.

It’s so weird. I’m getting used to walking along with him, talking. He’s a friend.