Diary Friday: “It’s gonna be a good year, class-spirit wise.”

In honor of the school year, here is an entry from my high school journal, commemorating the start of my senior year (which actually would be a tremendously momentous year for me, personally. I have NO idea what is coming. But obvi, I am psyched anyway.)

Me, going to my senior prom. Don’t I look so delicate and ladylike? Don’t I look so excited to be going to my prom?

Sept. 6 Thursday

God – going back to school is such a culture shock! More so this year than any other. It feels so new and different – I think because this summer has been so good for me – total relaxation – I mean, the contrasts – my junior year, then this great do-nothing summer. School feels so weird –

First of all, I haven’t been around that many kids my own age this summer. So to be surrounded suddenly by my own boisterous invigorating class feels WEIRD!

Also – to see fake plastic people again. [Sheila, that is so mean. Do you mean it literally? Is your high school filled with walking talking mannequins? We were doing so well with this entry so far, so positive, and then you have to label people as “fake and plastic”. I am disappointed.] This summer I’ve almost forgotten they existed. This summer has been very REAL – not just a hazy dream world – [What? Do you normally live in a “hazy dream world”? Maybe you should seek professional help for that.] – very vivid and real – And to see fake people again – it’s like ‘Oh give it up!’

I feel different this year.

People are so nice this year! [Except for you, Sheila, who insists on calling people “fake” and “plastic”.] I love everyone! We are all seniors together and we are all a little scared and all psyched. Yesterday was a wonderful day. It’s gonna be a good year. [Sheila, you have no idea how true that statement really is.]

I walked into Math (my first class) and Tina was in the first row and we were passing acquaintances last year and she saw me and cried, “Hi!” and stood up to give me this huge tight hug.

Oh, it was so nice! It felt so great! I wanted to hug everyone.

Then in the assembly – talk about feeling like a senior – sitting in the bleachers facing everyone else’s – The whole world was in front of us.

[There is then a diagram of where everyone sat in the gym during the assembly. Freshmen on one side, seniors on the other, Sophomores and juniors adjacent to us – and then – and THEN! – there is one set of bleachers which I labeled “Degenerates”. Jesus Christ, Sheila! Mean!! Would Keith McAuliffe ever have called an entire group of people “degenerates”? No, he would not. Next to the diagram, I wrote “Queer artist’s interpretation of the gym”. I would never use the word “queer” today!]

It was exciting and exhilarating and I felt like what the seniors looked like to me when I was a freshman which – was odd. For so long, I’ve thought of seniors as old – women, men – maybe we are – but now that I’m here it just feels weird. [Rather an astute observation.]

Oh I did something important! Keith McAuliffe (I LOVE HIM) [speaking of which ….] stood up and looked around, saw me and said, “Sheila! Hold one end of this banner and pass it down.” So I took it and passed it down. I was sitting next to Chrissy Judge (“She’s so cute! I want to take her home with me!” April says) and she told me that she and Andrew made it. [Who’s Andrew, you ask? Or maybe you didn’t, but whatever. This Andrew.] It was huge and it said

’85 has arrived

We were supposed to hold it up at this certain time but nobody told us when that was so it was so funny. I’m sure we all looked idiotic – all these false starts and people hissing – “Not yet!”

Finally, Andrew, from his podium, pointed at us and up we stood hollering it. Of course we were all screaming. When we sat back down, Chrissy Judge showed me her trembling hands. I know how she feels. [So unbelievably sweet.] She’s so nice! I LOVE her.

And Keith – I like him more every time I see him. [This following paragraph is proof positive of how I used to write about this guy in my journal.] He’s in 2 classes of mine this year. I’m so excited. I really really really like him A LOT. He sits behind me in English and he’s so cute. I can’t stand how kind he is – to everyone. He’s not fake. He just doesn’t go around busting up on everyone. He is SO GREAT!!!!!!!! [Then I wrote a huge Smiley face. See? Keith’s goodness was that apparent. Incidentally, when Keith and I spent the day together in New York about 5 years ago, we talked about our bond in high school (and earlier), something that he had felt too. He said, “I don’t get it. Why didn’t we hook up? Why didn’t we go out? There was clearly something there between us. I should have been chasing after you. We would have had a blast.” I am trying to picture what 17-year-old Sheila would have thought if she could have seen Adult Keith saying that to her Adult Self so many years later. I wasn’t even in love with Keith in an unrequited way, nothing like that. It was just this overwhelming fondness and affection, and I trusted him. I didn’t trust boys, or men. I trusted him. Anyway, life is funny sometimes.]

It’s gonna be a good year, class-spirit wise. [That is the funniest thing I have ever written.] I was worried that it might have dwindled over the summer but it hasn’t. God I was – Mr. Wertheimer always has a speech at the mike and he always begins it with, “Good morning, seniors.” We all started whooping and hollering and clapping – the entire bleachers. We have a good class. I’m so glad.

Boy did I feel strange though. Even if I didn’t like the seniors – I looked up to them. I had to. They were The Top – whether bad or good – and now – I’m a senior – that thing I used to idolize – and I’m still me but I feel different. There’s this little music box inside me singing – “I’m a senior! I’m a senior!” [You are also, frankly, adorable. Don’t let anyone tell you different.]

My classes are great. I’m psyched.

Physiology is my only bitch and Mrs. Smith is truly going wacko. She is senile – and then she hands us a 50 page outline for Chapter 1. That’ll be a rough class.

But English – even though there’s a lot of writing – I’m gonna LOVE that class. [Sheila, you clearly adore writing. What are you talking about?] I sit right next to Laura, Keith sits behind me.

I’m so much more outgoing this year. [Okay, relax. You haven’t had an entire personality change. Calm down.] I feel so open, so available, I guess. I start conversations with guys, with Keith. [Again with the Keith. See what I mean?] Kate and I were talking and we came up with this – high school may be a dead zone if you’re looking for meaningful and deep – but – if you’re looking for a good friendship there’s everyone!

I can wait for meaningful. It’s worth waiting for. [Said by a 17 year old. You have no idea how much this attitude will be tested.]

Member how I was dreading French? I’m gonna love it. [And I did. Senior French was one of the funniest classes I took in the entirety of my high school career. It was epic, that class.] Mr. Pittochi is so hysterical, but – the whole class is in French, and I am finding that I can understand most of it just by listening! It’s exciting. So far it’s all jsut been discussion – he never makes you feel stupid if you ne comprends pas – NEVER! [Hahahahahaha] He’s great. It’s a small class too. Wow. I’m gonna work hard in there and love it.

Drama is a dream. Very advanced. Listen to the kids in the class – Me, Betsy, Beth, Kate, Mere, April, Anne, Melinda, Carolyn, Val, Leanne, Mike, Joe – I LOVE IT. I like Carolyn more every day. She’s a neat person. Very individual. She came running down the aisle to hug me. I tell you – our class last year was one of a kind. Everybody loved each other so much. We were like a family. The Music Room really was going home.

We’ve already been assigned our first scenes. Mere and I are doing one! YAY! I play a whore. [Drawing of a big smiley face. WTF.] Good part. Taste of Honey.

So – everything’s peachy.

I had a deja vu today. It was before school. We were all hanging out at our lockers – on the second floor of course (senior lockers!) – and I was talking to Anne. She said, “So have you talked to Trav lately?” [I had been on my first dates ever over the summer with a guy named Trav. Miraculously, we are STILL friends. I just went to see a show he directed last month. Awesome. He had graduated a couple years before. Look at Sheila, datin’ an older man!] “No,” I said. Anne said, “I have.” I looked at her suspiciously. [Anne’s older brother and Trav were best friends, so she often gave me insider info about what was going on.] I know Anne well and I knew she had said something to him. I just said, “What?” She grinned. (God, she’s so cute.) She said, “Yeah, I was talkin’ to him a few days ago and I said to him, ‘Hey, Sheila told me that you two have been out a few times’ and he said, ‘Yeah, she’s fun to be with’ and I said – ” (This girl is the devil – give her a pitchfork) ” ‘So are you gonna call her again?’ And he said, ‘Yeah!'” You had to have heard her tone of voice to know. [To know what? I’m confused.]

Of course I believe her. I mean, obviously, Anne is the most honest person I know. But still, I got butterflies.

The bell rang right then so I vaulted away in ecstasy [That’s quite an image], down the stairs and burst out onto the first floor and – it was weird – but I had a vision of myself doing that – every single time Dave and I parted [Dave was the guy I loved a million years ago. Ie: my junior year] – and I would be all shivery. It just stopped me how alike it felt. Well. I don’t know. [I still know that dread, Sheila. It never stops. It comes with multiple heartbreaks. You can’t help but remember: “God, I felt hopeful about THAT one too and it crashed and burned.” And trust me: It gets worse as you get older. Sorry.]

Edwards is opening soon. [Clearly I didn’t linger in my dread. Edwards was a lecture hall at the University and on Friday and Saturday nights they would show movies. It was the cool thing to do in our town. People drank and smoked cigarettes up in the balcony.] They’re showing great movies this year. Splash, Greystoke, Educating Rita. [Okay, that is hilarious. Would these be on my Sight & Sound list?]

Oh God, yesterday Andy said in his speech, “And on October 19 it’ll be the guys’ turn to sit back–”

Of course the Sadies. Oh why did he mention it on the first day of school? And it’s so soon. I felt my whole stomach heave nauseatingly. [Gross.]

I felt ill and awful.

I don’t want to go crazy this year. [Too late.]

OH I’M HAPPY!