Diary Friday: “We hung out in Mere’s room and listened to records and talked.”

A cornucopia of high school mortification. Not only will I mortify myself but I will mortify Mere, Jayne, and Betsy. Yay! I’m takin’ you all down with me. (Beth, you’re getting off scot free this time.)

This is from the beginning of my junior year of high school (before DW came into my life, and completely took over EVERY SINGLE ENTRY)

SEPTEMBER 1

cadillac
cardiac

[Note: those two words are written in the top left corner of the page. I have no idea why.]

I am now braceless. [I think you mean braceS-less] At least on the top. When I first saw myself I was like, “Ohhh! Put them back on!” [Similar to my crying fit when the brace was taken off my legs as a baby. I missed my brace! WAAHHHHH!] But now – this is a momentous day. I really do look good. I am on my way to beauty. [If you could see pictures of me at this time, you would laugh. But that’s neither here nor there. I had felt so damn ugly with those braces – and I had had them for 3 years – so it’s nice to see my happiness with my own looks here. Not the normal self-loathing that percolates in the journal] I don’t have to smile and hide my teeth anymore! I can look glamorous and grown-up. My teeth are SO straight and I love them!!! I’ve spent the entire afternoon flirting with my reflection in the mirror. I am on top of the world!

Getting them off really hurt (in fact I yealled once) but after that – it was fine!

Then Mum dropped me off at Mere’s and Mr. W. let me in (I gave him an enormous toothy smile) and as i came down through the front hall I heard two pairs of feet pounding down the stairs. When Mere saw me she screamed and leaped around me [I seriously have the best friends in the entire world, and always have] and Jayne came zooming down crying, “Oh, let me see! Let me see!” For a while we just stood in the hall talking about getting braces off and I smled a lot. They (my teeth) feel so loose – like they would fall out if I touched them. I showed them my beautiful swollen bloody gums. [hahahaha]

Mere is such a wonderful friend. So is Jayne. They were both as excited as I was!

We went up to Mere’s room. Jayne is leaving for college in Maine TOMORROW! [There isn’t a font big enough to reflect how large the word “tomorrow” appears in the journal] Can you believe it? Jayne in college! Her room is a disaster area with all her packing. I can’t believe she won’t be in school this year! I am really gonna miss her. But she says she’s a good letter writer, so I can’t wait to have our letters flying back and forth from Maine and RI. It just won’t be the same, though. I’m gonna miss her. Classes start on Tuesday and everything. Jayne in college! With a roommate! [Will wonders never cease??] She’ll be home at Thanksgiving. THANKSGIVING! [again, see comment above about largeness of fonts, etc.] I won’t see her until then! Do you know how weird that’s gonna be?

Wow. Everyone is leaving and parting and saying goodbye. [Everyone?] I hate it. [Yup. And I still do.]

We hung out in Mere’s room and listened to records and talked. Mere polished her silver necklace, Jayne showed me her fifth grade composition book (hysterical) and then at 20 of five I caught the bus and rode home. (I bought a People magazine with an article about Sting, and I bought their first album).

Also – Brian was in the car when Mum came to pick me up – and he called me over to see my teeth. He is SO nice. I think I have a little crush. (Oh, how philosophical).

I hate myself sometimes. [Woah, nelly, where’s the segue??] I am vain, sullen, clutzy, aloof, dumb. I am a dork who thinks she is beautiful. I am an ugly girl who pretends she is a beautiful glamorous star, who pretends she could sleep with Sting and Al Pacino. I can’t tell reality. I believe all what I imagine – and I do not like who I am. I wish I were urbane, and smart, and out of high school – so I can start over and not be such a doof.

[I have nothing to say. The self-hatred was real. I’ll let it stand.]

I think Mere is bummed because of Jayne leaving. I know those two are really close. Mere was acting sort of quiet – and then Mr. W. yelled up the stairs to tell Jayne to hurry up and do some chore and Jayne said, “What?” and Mere cried, “Oh! Jayne, I forgot. Dad told me to tell you to do it.” Jayne said, “Oh – see, Dad? Don’t yell at me – yell at her!” Jayne ran downstairs and we sat in Mere’s room, and Mere was quietly shoving down cards for solitaire, pushing down the cards sort of violently. Then out of the blue she said, “I hate myself.” [It’s an epidemic, apparently] Mere is so amazing. Always herself. [Breezy?] Not like me. I’m floundering right now. I’m trying to make myself into somebody I’m proud of – eccentric, weird, like James Dean – but Mere never puts on an act. She’s funny and lively – but I know she has a serious side, she thinks about things, serious things. [Mere, Mere, Mere, you’re glib.] So when she said “I hate myself” I just stared at her. “Why?” “I just – I always forget things and then other people get yelled at because of me.” “Mere, I do that too! You know – ‘Oh Mum, I forgot – Dad called 3 hours ago and needs a ride home.'” We started laughing. For a while, we talked about our faults, faults we wish we didn’t have.

In NYC last December was the first time I ever saw her down – it was because of B.B. Me, Mere, and J. were sharing a room – and we all came in to settle down and Mere immediately slammed into the bathroom and locked herself in. J. and I got into our pajamas and had an absolutely hysterical time – laughing until we thought we were gonna barf – [That’s so sensitive, girls. Mere is locked in the bathroom and you’re rolling around in hysterics?] – we were laughing about Playgirl and dildos – we were throwing ourselves around on the beds with mirth. [I actually have a picture of that. We’re holding a Playgirl, and we are seriously crying with laughter] Later, Mere still hadn’t come out – and J. and I stood meekly at the door, looking at each other, wondering what to do. Finally – we softly knocked. I said, “Mere, all you all right?” The door flew open and Mere threw her potato chips all over the room and stalked to her bed. [Meredith – I have no memory of this. You threw potato chips around?]

I want to be there for Meredith. [Then how ’bout you put the dildo down, Sheila, stop laughing like a hyena, and go and talk to her???]

SEPTEMBER 2

GREAT DAY.

9:00 pm – East of Eden was on. [Member when you would have to wait for movies you loved to actually come on television – and what a big deal it was?] Right as it started, the phone rang and Siobhan called me to the phone. I ran to get it – “Hello?”

“Are you watching what I think you’re watching?” It was Betsy.

“BETSY! You’re home?” [Where else would you be? Camp, maybe?]

“Yeah! How are ya?”

“Good! How are – Oh! I got my braces off!”

“Really? Do they look good?”

“They look wicked!” [Not wicked good, wicked cool, wicked beautiful, or wicked ugly. Just plain old “wicked”]

“Oh my God, there he is.” [meaning James Dean, I am imagining]

“Gotta go.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

We both slammed down our phones and I am sure we both raced back to the television. I had never seen the beginning of the movie.

Diary – 3 movies. That man did 3 movies and LOOK at the impact! His movements, his face, the moving expressions, the hurt little boy face, the way he swings his whole body to turn around, hands shoved in his pockets, the posture – he is so great.

After, we went downtown to get my retainer [after? Oh. I get it. It was on at 9 AM. It was still summer vacation, I guess.]. If you do not know what a retainer is, it defies description. Then I invited Betsy to go to the beach with us. We had so much fun! I hadn’t seen her in so long. At the beach, we lay out on towels for a long time, talking about Jimmy [you know, first name as well as nickname basis …] and school and camp and Texas (Betsy went to a Happening conferernce in Houston). And we walked up to the pavilion for a soda – we talked about the Sadies [as in Sadie Hawkins] – and we tried to think of someone for me to ask. Someone from camp maybe. No more stupid macho dorks from our school. NO WAY. I AM DONE. [I had just come off of a thwarted doomed crush with one of those “macho dorks” and was extremely bitter. Hence my eventual crush on DW – the hot band geek.]

The ocean was massively grossly seaweedy that day but we braved it. We had a blast. Slowly we made our way through the seaweed, occasionally saying to each other, in calm voices, “This is really nauseating.” “This is so gross.” “I am totally disgusted right now.” [hahahahaha] We survived though and went out really far where there was no seaweed. We would be bobbing there, having this deep conversation about boys, or God, or camp, and a wave would crash over us, our heads would go under – then we’d come up and continue talking as though there had been no interruption at all.