Diary Friday: “Oh I feel like a tragic hero. My arrogance is my tragic flaw.”

It is time now to return to my junior year in high school. I have tried to put it off, but I can no longer do so. I am 16 years old. I am so in love with a boy named David that I sound like a raving lunatic in my diary. The whole thing is unrequited – we didn’t date or anything like that … My love for him was based on stolen moments in class and in the hallways when David revealed himself as the kindest man on the face of the earth. Or so he was to my eyes. I LOVED HIM.

FEB 11

Diary do I have a LOT to tell you. OH GOD! My happiness mug is full and overflowing! This happiness scares me [as well it should, Sheila, because it is based on a delusion.]. So much has happened to me. [My last entry in the journal was the day before. hahahahaha] I don’t know where to start. All right – it’s gonna work with me and David. If all goes smoothly and I don’t botch it up. [That makes my heart ache. How willing I am to take full responsibility … it’ll be my fault somehow.] It’s going to work! OH DIARY I’VE WAITED SO LONG! [There is not a font large enough to replicate that sentence] Finally. Oh I’m so happy, Diary. It hasn’t happened yet but I have a feeling it won’t be long. If not this week, definitely at the dance. Oh I feel like a tragic hero. My arrogance is my tragic flaw. [I love that!!] But I’m so happy.

Let me start from the beginning. Last night, we all went to the game. J., Kate, Mere and I. It was a long confusing night and I’m still sort of mixed up. Of course Dave was there looking positively gorgeous – positively gorgeous. [Why say it once when twice does just as well?] Oh Diary I can’t stand it.

We all sat down to watch the game. I kept my eye on David as he walked back and forth from the lobby and gym. I love how he walks and I love his tan sweater. I love watching him do everything. There was this little kid – around 4 years old – he was like hyperactive – he never stopped moving – but he was breakdancing and doing all sorts of wicked things [ah, the days when “wicked” was adjective enough!] – Dave was watching him, talking a little bit to him. Little people with big boys – Oh I could die. It’s so sweet.

During the whole game, at times he would glance up my way [Sheila, you’re in the gym. It’s a huge building] but me THE DOPE would immediately look away. This happened a few times. I just froze up. JERK!

Then the Varsity games started. With his wild funny announcing – I watched him do it, all leaned over and into it.

During the V game, I went down to talk to Mr. Hodge who had been giving me significant glances across the gym. [Mr. Hodge had known me since I was 5 years old – the Hodges are old dear friends of the O’Malleys – and now he was my French teacher.] We were standing right near Dave, but we talked about him anyway. Mr. Hodge said, “I can see the vibes in class and I would say the vibes are favorable.” Eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkllllllllll [My writing then descends into feverish scribbles] He said he can see Dave pacing himself to walk with me. Funny – I thought it was me who did that. He also said, “Seriously – I think he knows something is there. I think he can see it.” Can he? What does he see? I kept glancing over at him, face intent on the game.

I’m being tortured.

Trav and Cris came in – they were talking awhile to Dave. I was clutching Kate’s knee. For some reason, them talking to each other, shaking hands – Suddenly I said to Mere, “Let’s go say hi to Trav!” [And a year later, in my senior year – Trav became my first – sort of – boyfriend. So there’s all this swirling stuff going on here.] Perfect excuse. So we went down there – I chickened out about 5 times, then I just walked over saying, “Hi, Trav!” I look back on that and it was a dumb move!! I didn’t say a word to Dave, although that’s my only reason for living lately! [Calm down. Thanks.]

Well, we were all just talking and Dave came over to our little group – Trav, Cris, me, Mere, Kate, and J. and said, “Here we have the entire core of the SK Drama Club.” And – I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! I COULD NOT SAY A WORD! Oh, I could kill myself!

Later – we were all back on the bleachers and Kate said, “Sheila, he really wanted you to reply – I could see it.” “OH I BLEW IT. I BLEW IT!” Why do I freeze up? [I have no idea, but get used to it. You’ll be doing it in your 30s as well.] What is my problem?

For the rest of the night, Dave was talking to Meg O’Leary. [Which is so hysterical – I have no memory of her, but apparently the fact that she was talking to HER warranted the underlining.] At first I was full of despair but Kate said, “Sheila – he has no reason to be jealous of Travis so you have no reason to be jealous of Meg.” Was he jealous of Trav? I mean, he did walk right over – AND I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! [Yeah, we heard you the first time.] Oh, it probably looks like I like Trav. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Yes. That’s it. Just random “O”s unfurling across the page in desperation.] If only I had said something!!! I’M SUCH A JERK. [I want to intervene and tell myself to stop being so mean to myself. It’s killing me to see how I do that.] Dave is so cute. What if he does like me –

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

After the game, I had made up my mind to say something to him. But – I couldn’t approach him. It was awful. He was alone, getting together his equipment – but – Oh! I’m such a wimp. I was standing so near to him – trying to open my mouth.

J. is mouthing hate messages across the gym to me – ordering me to DO IT. [I am laughing out loud. I love my friends.]

So I looked at him and our eyes met. I smiled and said, “Hi, Dave.” And Diary – Oh he didn’t even say ‘hi’ back. He just gave me this little tight smile. [Ouch. I’m feeling that all over again.] My heart sank. I practically fled to my friends and announced that it was all over. I WANTED TO LEAVE. Oh God- I was so miserable. He hated me! No one believed me that he didn’t say anything. Mere said I probably murmured, “Hi, Dave” into my collar [Mere – HAHAHAHA I love you! You totally busted me!] but I didn’t! J. told me to try again, but I knew I couldn’t go back over there to say anything.

Besides, he has disappeared into the school. J. practically screamed, “I’ve got to put my flute away! Let’s go to the Band Room!” [David was Band president. Hence, J.’s brilliant plan.] So we rushed off into the hall.

Turns out he was just putting back the equipment in a storage room. While he was doing this, J. and I both took inordinately long drinks of water. With perfect timing, just as he closed the door, we straightened and started walking back too so that he was right behind us. He started crooning in his low low voice, “Head for Busch Beer …” I turned around to grin at him – no reason – just a starting point. He looked down at me and said, “What … do you hate me, Sheila?” (J. then shot out the door into the gym and ran away from us. Subtle.) This (what he said) took me by surprise, so I said very sincerely, “No! I don’t hate you!” (Not hard to be sincere there.)

We were now out in the gym and – he said – “Oh, so you just dislike me, huh?” “No! Dave – No! I don’t!” I was just standing there. Now I think back on it and I’m glad I didn’t treat it lightly, like, “Oh yeah, Dave, I despise you” because when I said, “No I don’t, Dave!”, he said to me after a pause, “Well. That makes me feel really good.”

Diary – I swear to God if my life had depended on it – I could not say anything. Oh poor Dave. My jaw just dropped – I turned around – Mr. Hodge was right behind me, leering at me. [hahahahahaha] Leanne came over to talk to me – Dave was LOOKING at me – but – Oh God my tongue became a shag rug. I wonder if he was watching me as I tore over to J., Kate and Mere. I looked pretty suspicious. I threw my arms around all 3 of them, cried “MY DEAR FRIENDS!” and kissed each one of them. YIPPEE! [Meanwhile, you just left Dave there hanging … but it’s okay. You’re 16.]

While we were waiting for Mr. W. to pick us up – I was a spaceshot. I sat on a table and I just was floating around! In the car on the way home I kept saying, “Oh, please, somebody bring me back to earth!” Kate said, “No I don’t want to.”

But – this scares me. It IS working. IT IS.

Oh God. What do I say to him on Monday? I practically admitted out loud that I really like him.

Oh DAVE – DAVE!!!!!!!!! [That last “Dave” is actually underlined 7 times – and the exclamation points cartwheel off down the page, sometimes showing up upside down, sideways … I cannot control my own punctuation.]

He said, “That makes me feel really good.”

!!!!!!!!!