I suppose that life is all about being tested. Some tests are obvious, some not so obvious. I know that I am cagey on my blog about my “real” life – and that is by design. This is why I am very picky about who I “friend” on Facebook so don’t take it personally. I am not deliberately deceitful, but I certainly withhold. Especially recently. My blog is for me, essentially, and posting every day keeps me sane. Personal posts have, for the most part, gone by the wayside in the last year, because first of all I am really busy with my off-line writing and also I have no words or no desire to share all here. I think I’m smart. Because every time I write a post expressing uncertainty, someone always swoops in instantly and tries to give you the answer. They do not understand that living in the uncertainty is what I am about, and pondering things, and NOT coming to rock-hard conclusions. I like to leave things open for interpretation. I have learned that a blog is not always the best venue for such things, and I have decided to protect myself from those misunderstandings. I can’t afford the energy to be explaining myself right now. And yet I still need to share things here. I still love to talk about movies and books and that passion shines through. It makes it a nice place to hang out. I know that, and I am proud of it. The fact that people still like to show up and read what I write is a blessing to me.
I am being tested right now. My whole family is. It is part of life. It sucks. I feel surrounded by their love and support and Facebook has completely changed my life because I chat with my cousins on almost a daily basis and so every day I get a message of love from one of them, letting me know that we are being thought about, prayed for. A candle was lit for us in Bruges, for example. I weep reading these messages.
A couple of days ago I wrote a post about going to Lydia’s baby shower and how, in the middle of the maelstrom, I got a sensation of the goodness of people, how everyone is “doing their best”. I do believe that. Perhaps it is because I am wounded right now. Being wounded gives you a different perspective on other people’s misbehavior (or so it seems to me). Maybe that frustrated woman in line at the grocery store has a dying husband at home. Maybe that teenager acting out just lost her mother. You just don’t know. You don’t know. And it is better not to assume. It is better to cut people slack, rather than condemn them for their surface. This is my philosophy.
And so I know what it takes to just get up and keep going, to “do your best”, to meet your obligations, to “show up” at events you are going to, to not reject life – but try to accept it. In all its complexities and tragedies. It was such a strong feeling that I got at that shower. Not to mention the fact that, again, I was surrounded by family, who love me, and support me, and are THERE for all of us in this terrible time. It is always in our minds. I meet up with other friends now and sometimes it is forgotten, what I am going through, because life is busy and people have their lives to live. This is not the case now, actually – but it has been. But with my family, it is front and center. As it should be. We hunker down. We put up the barricades. We cling to one another, and we try to be there for each other. The strong protect the weak. That is the way it should be. Not those who are weak perpetually, but to someone who is wounded … it is good to have protection. To have people looking out for you, cutting some slack. Who know that you freaking out about how you have to get your car inspected is really about something else, and who are gentle with you in your distress, guiding you in the right direction. For example, I know that I am being thought about right now by many. many. people. I can feel it. Perhaps that is the meaning of grace.
The day after I wrote the post about the baby shower, I wrote the post about my 7 weird reading habits. And people started sharing their own habits – we’re up to 44 comments now – and early that morning I got the following comment:
That whole commute line is such a crock of unauthentic crap. You’re a liar. Poor ugly Shiela. Give me a break. Maybe if you didn’t lie, your life would
be easier.
I get comments like that from time to time (complete with misspellings of my name – even though my name is the URL so how could you miss it), usually from people who are not regular commenters. It’s always people who appear to have been lurking – and sometimes people lurk with love and fear because they don’t know how to leap in to the established conversation – but sometimes others lurk with hatred. I have had a couple of those. These are not comments that have to do with some political opinion I’ve expressed, where I could expect to be abused. These are personal and go right for the jugular. These people have been lying in wait. There aren’t many of them but when they hate me they hate me. They judge me. They are obviously not my kind and I don’t have people like that in my regular life, so I don’t worry about it too much, I just delete their filth and move on. But this one on Monday took me aback a bit. I emailed back and forth with Tracey about it, and my cousin Kerry, and they were properly outraged, mama lions on my behalf. To me, there is something actually satanic in that comment, in its breathless hatred, its obvious glee in expressing it … but there’s also something ridiculous because hyberbole is part of my writing style, and the “chickens and goats” bit was hyperbole. People who are very literal do have a problem with how I write, but again, I don’t worry about that too much because you can’t please everyone, and I learned very early on that I can only write for myself – and “if you build it, he will come”. I attract people who have the same sense of absurd humor, who “get” it. But there are always the holdouts. The ones who play “devil’s advocate” on purely personal posts … like – what? What is so threatening to you that you can’t just be in the conversation that is going on rather than trying to dominate? But it happens all the time. I know people don’t like uncertainty. I get that. But I won’t BE dominated – not by blog commenters anyway who don’t know me … and having deep conversations about all the multi-faceted sides of one issue is how I like to talk. I have found my kind on this corner of the web – some have found me … you know, it happens naturally. That’s the beauty of it. And now those who can’t stand uncertainty are outnumbered by those who can tolerate it. This is good. It’s a good balance.
This commenter from yesterday has never commented on my site before (not that I can tell anyway) and I imagine their hatred of me is so acute that they would be unable to disguise it in a casual way. Who knows.
But what interests me about the comment is that only the day before I had written my post about realizing that everyone, after all, is just doing their best. It has made me feel gentler towards others, certainly, people who cut me off while driving, for example … I just don’t let those things get to me right now. There’s a lot of free-floating rage and hurt out there and it doesn’t always come out in helpful or rational ways. I know that is the case with me as well.
And so. What to say. Is that person who left the comment “doing their best”? You know what? I do think so. I really do. There has got to be so much anger there to leave a comment like that, and this person needs a place to put it. I represent something to this person – I don’t know what – and the knowing-ness of the comment, the feeling that this person has been reading me a long time and has formed an opinion of me – is very clear to me. This person feels they have me down. And maybe, in their mind, they do.
But it did not escape my notice that just one day after I wrote a post about realizing everyone was doing their best that I would be attacked, from out of the blue. How do I feel now? How do I feel now? Comments like that are meant to diminish, soil, hurt, and demean. They are meant to destroy. I didn’t feel on the verge of destruction reading it, because like I said – I’ve had comments like that before. I was called a “starfucker” once although – please – enlighten me – what star did I fuck and why wasn’t I there?? I was called a “stupid cunt” because I wrote openly about a guy I loved. I was told “well, no wonder you’re single”, after writing a long post about some heartbreak I had had. (It also does not escape my notice that these comments have all been from men who have gone straight to my sexuality or womanliness or my LACK of power as a woman in their insults – in the same way that the commenter from yesterday did by calling me “ugly”. These people mean business.) I’ve also had people get obsessed with me and want to be involved with me personally and while I have made many friends through this blog – it has always happened organically. Lisa, Emily, Bill McCabe, Stevie, Tracey, Tommy, De, Jonathan, Ken, Dan … you all know who you are. I have recognized that a sycophantish tone in comments is the first warning. That situation will go south and FAST. They will turn on you, look out for the boomerang! I have not been wrong yet.
But I stray from my topic.
I feel that when you are wounded – yes, sometimes you lose perspective, and you find yourself freaking out in line at the bank, or flying into a rage because the printer won’t work – but I also feel that you can be more aware of the beauty of life, its fragility and complexity. I do not think it is an accident that that person left that comment on that particular day, when I was feeling fragile and upset. There are larger forces at work out there than any of us can know.
I do not know why that comment came, and I am actually not interested in that person’s reasons. Because the whole question seems larger to me.
I declared the day before: people are just doing their best. I am doing my best.
The next day came the test.
It is not always that the test is so immediate. But this is not just about me. This is about whatever twisted hatred this person has that would make them lash out like that.
The typical line is, “If that’s your best, then your best ain’t good enough.” But that’s cold comfort when you are wounded, as I believe this person who left that comment is wounded. Maybe no, it ain’t good enough, and maybe yes, there are just malevolent people out there in the world who just want to hurt others – I do believe that, too – but here, in this moment, I choose to believe my earlier thesis: that everyone, in general, is just doing the best they can.
You keep your chin up, sugar…
Well, I love your blogs and would never make a negative comment!
I know what you mean about personal info up on blogs. I have a regular blog that I post on myspace, and even though most are among friends, there are still times that I feel are ‘lurking’…but, that’s how it goes.
Your blogs are inspirational, and I’m sending good energy your way from Chicago. I hope you get it soon.
I know that *I* am doing the best that I can. :)
Love you. xxx
i’m with stevie on this one!
i think you’re a classy dame.
and, p.s., thanks for letting me be a part of this corner you’ve created. i look forward to coming here every day ^_^
I’m also one of those lurkers who doesn’t know how to jump into the conversation, but I come here every day because I love your writing and the passion I can feel coming off the screen as you write about the things you love. Thank you for the community you have created.
Oh, Sheila. You are such a good person. This is, frankly, one of the reasons that makes me drop by almost every day (besides the book excerpts, the movie reviews, the great stories and the awesome writing, among other things) and lurk happily. You always express yourserf in a way which is so much the opposite of bitter and mean, and God knows we already have way too much of that around – just see that horrible comment.
I always believe an agression is a defense against something – real or imaginary. I feel a bit (just a bit. I mean, grow some heart, people!) sad for people who are always so agressive, because it must be horrible to feel attacked all the time, even by nice people who never met you and weren’t really talking to you.
I wish you a fast healing.
Sheila, for some reason this post really got to me. I can’t write about the reaction I had right this second, but know that you are lovely and reading you has meant a lot to me lo these many years.
On your side and here for you, as always.
Another lurker who doesn’t jump in always, but these are the kinds of posts that keep me coming back. Your writing always speaks to me on a level most writers never even get close to. And I’m sorry you’re being tested and feeling wounded, but thank you for writing and reminding me that yes, everyone is trying their best. I needed that today.
Hey Sheila, I’m also one of those lurkers. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but only just commented for the first time. I’d just like to say that your passion for your subject matter comes through really clearly. I love the way you write about art, movie and especially books – there’s a real sense of excitement there that is infectious. I find myself wanting to talk about this stuff in my real life but I don’t really have an outlet, so discovering a whole blog made up of it was cool. So I guess I just wanted to say thanks, I hope things get better for you, and I hope that I don’t sound sycophantic.
“Because every time I write a post expressing uncertainty, someone always swoops in instantly and tries to give you the answer.”
Hoo-boy, can I relate. I often like to write my thoughts out either to see them more clearly, or to preserve the details of a certain life stage (because the memory just goes otherwise) and I’m astonished to find my comments box full of advice. From people who don’t know me! Who only get my sketchy blog post (because don’t you always find on rereading a post that you’d left out 2/3 of what you’d meant to write?).
(But then I’ve done it myself, so I guess it’s a knee-jerk impulse that comes from being human.)
But I also think you’re smart to not chronicle your daily life here.
Oh, one more thing. You’ve mentioned this before, that you don’t write much about your day-to-day life and the first time I read that I was taken aback. I realized then that you are able to convey so much of yourself with what you do share here that I had not noticed the lack of workaday details. Does that make sense? In reading about your reading and your movie-watching and your high school diaries, I’d gotten a more fleshed-out picture of you than I do from blogs where every sneeze and nap is logged.
That’s good writing.
I lurk with love! Popping in from time to time to see what Sheila the Great (now, THAT is a book, I’ve not thought about in years) is up to or reading or loving… I may have commented once on a Betsy-Tacy post. I guess I only comment when I’m particularly moved, eh? And that would be today. Thanks for all your words and wonder and passion on recent posts and plenty from the past too.
Sheila, I’ve been reading your blog for years and have often pointed other people here as well. Your writing has a depth to it that keeps me coming back on a regular basis. Even though you don’t share a lot about your personal life, you show us a little of who you are by writing about the things you are passionate about.
I don’t know a lot about old movies, but your insight into specific scenes from movies I’ve never seen always intrigues me. And when it comes to movies I have seen, your comments always add insight. Your post about Rocky comes immediately to mind. It’s one of my favorite movies of all-time and I loved it even more after reading your post that spoke about the way Stallone added an extra detail to a particular scene in which Rocky removes his stocking cap and pulls out a slip of paper with his locker combination on it. Great stuff.
I haven’t read many of the books you write about, but I love the way you pick out passages and expound on them.
Thanks for taking the time to write here as often as you do.
Another lurker speaking up. I think what most of us come back for is that you write about ideas, about books, about films, about things you are passionate about (both big and small) and you share some of your personal memories, some touching, some that are frankly guffaw-worthy. You transcend the shallow navel-gazing blog archetype and make it art.
As for what you said about other people doing their best, that will help me empathize this holiday season, as I work retail… instead of just wanting the annoying screaming woman to go away, I’m going to stop and think about what is going on in their lives that they feel the need to lash out at some hapless retail drone. And I will try to do my best… by not losing my patience or going down to their level.
I love you Sheila, and I love all the lurkers who love you.
And that asshole who sent that anonymous comment deserves a punch in the mouth. I work at the Marquis Theatre on Broadway every night and will be happy to deliver it personally if the asshole shows up.
I just found your blog and in a desperate desire not to be a lurker, wanted to say hello.
It would be fair to share that I found it in a google search for “nostalgia for something you’ve never had” then spent the past 30 minutes or so reading…
The next time I find myself tempted to lose my temper with someone over something that’s not really their fault, I’ll try to remember this post.
I can’t guarantee it will work but I’ll try.
Of course, there are things in this world that are worth losing one’s temper over but it’s hard to imagine anything written on this site being one of them.
Good luck. I hope things get better for you.
I lurk.
I dive into the comments every once in awhile and get into the flow of the give and take. Once there was a misunderstanding and you got a little, uh, sharp with me. Whatever…
Then I come back for the 5000 words on something I care about.
Drift away when there’s 10,000 words on something that just ain’t grabbing me and I know there’s 2 weeks/80,000 words coming before you get it out of your system.
I appreciate the occasional picture of your life you share with us. It’s always nice to have a visual to the consciousness you pour out.
I like how you keep the politics out. Movies. Theater. Literature. You. Keeping it simple.
You turned me on to Mr. Lucky.
You’re an artist. You need an audience. You found one. That is such a blessing.
And, some people aren’t worth understanding. They may be hurting, sad, or angry. But they’ll also throw a “What about ME!” hissy fit in the middle of a wedding ceremony. Screw’um.
Just another love lurker wanting to be counted.
How much do I love all the wonderful lurkers that came rushing to your defense? that one sad one–Atwood character come to life, much?–gave the others a bad name!
I love you very much and I am very proud to know you.
xoxo,
Kate
I was nervous about hitting “Publish” on this post but once I did, I turned off my computer, and popped in Get Carter and then went to bed. To wake up to all of these comments. I am glad I hit “Publish” now.
Thanks to all the de-lurkers. It means a lot that you would come out and speak at this time!
Oh, and Desirae – about the “sycophant” comment: To me, the warning comes not from people who compliment me, because compliments are nice and always welcome. It’s when the compliment is mixed with “Oh, I am not worthy” – or when the person goes out of their way to be submissive – that’s, for me, the warning. For example, no matter what I would post – the commenter would write, “You’re so amazing! How do you do it all?” They would never add anything to the conversation – just compliment me in an obsequious manner. Hard to explain the difference – but there is one, and alarm bells go off when someone seems overly interested in bowing down before me. That kind of energy turns into a rage of rejection at the slightest notice – and like I said, I’ve never been wrong. I’ll think: “Okay, that’s a nutball waiting to be born …”
Anyway, thats neither here nor there – just wanted to explain what I meant by that comment, because its not good for people to feel self-conscious when they comment on my site. I like people to feel free to share themselves, whatever they want to say, etc…
And thanks again to everyone. I found myself welling up with tears reading all these comments.
Have a lovely holiday everyone!
When I first read what that commenter said, I wanted to find him and hurt him. A lot. I didn’t stop to think about him maybe doing his best or anything. I thought it was a completely horrible and mean thing to do. To you. And particularly right now. I felt angry and fierce and protective of you. My friend.
But instead, I kept reading, and feel…graced and humbled by what you wrote. You’re right, Sheila. You’re right. Whatever that person wrote is more about their own darkness than anything else. I’m just sorry he had to share it with you.
I’m so glad so many lurkers delurked in support of you. It’s beautiful – all that love and caring out there.
I love you, and your family, and I pray you all have a peaceful Thanksgiving day tomorrow.
Happy Holidays, Sheila.
To me, this whole post is about a simple thing that I try to remember to strive for and that I think is the most difficult thing to achieve: grace
What you said about the fact that “Being wounded gives you a different perspective on other people’s misbehavior” made me think about personal experiences with that. I have this sharp memory from years ago when a loved one was dying in the hospital. I had to leave the hospital in this strange town I was visiting and go to the grocery store to get something for his wife. And I could barely hold myself together and I just wanted to yell at everybody because time wasn’t standing still and they DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. That was how I felt. I almost wanted someone to bump into me or give me a reason – any reason – to snap at them. When I got back in my car I sat there unable to drive and this wave of guilt hit me for every time I had been harsh or impatient with a stranger because I had no way of knowing what THEY had been going through. It hit me that my situation wasn’t unusual – we all experience this part of life. I learned a lot about myself sitting in that parking lot preparing myself for the loss that came very soon after and realizing how I had torn through that grocery store looking for someone to punish for my hurt. I think about it when someone I do not know strikes out at me, when a server at a restaurant is snippy or rude, when someone tries to belittle me. They must feel small, they could be in pain, their life may be so much worse than I can imagine – and whatever they say or do, it isn’t actually about me, anyway.
In addition to being a brave, emotionally open and incredibly intelligent woman (which clearly some people find threatening), you have tremendous grace, Sheila. It is beautiful and is is readily apparent to even those of us you know you simply through your clever, wonderful words.
Maybe that frustrated woman in line at the grocery store has a dying husband at home. Maybe that teenager acting out just lost her mother. You just don’t know. You don’t know.
I have occasionally thought that I would hate to be judged by my behavior on my worst day. You put it better, though.
What a great post and even better comment thread. I love that you pulled the “lurkers” in, Sheila.
As for your “ugly” commenter, I wish I had the grace and wisdom that you do. I’m like Jayne – I suppose I’m not as forgiving when it comes to people being mean and rude to my friends and family. Why is it always the really innocuous crap that brings those people out? I mean, you were talking about what you like to read on the subway! How on EARTH does that inspire that kind of crude reaction?
Take care and Happy Thanksgiving to you and the hugely creative O’Malley clan.
I read you everyday and enjoy your writing — and your view of things…
I do not experience books, movies, the arts with the passion that you do, so I love reading about movies and books thru your eyes.
I have even gotten some audio books from your list — taking the list as your recommendation.
You bring me a few moments of joy everyday…
Believe in karma…..
Renata
— From Chicago—-
must…stop…reading…because I have students coming back into my room now and I am on the verge of tears…
Goodnight! If the the person who made the comment did not “get” the hyberbole of the commute line, what else must they be thinking or assuming about other stuff Sheila has written?
I wouldn’t presume to know anyone from a post on the internet but I’m guessing this person lacks a sense of humor, harbors a jealousy or perhaps just made the comment out of a drunken stupor or out of some state of mind we all don’t understand right now. In any case, the comment wasnt about books, or movies, or actors, or acting, or perspectives on life, but rather is directed personally toward Sheila and is therefore out of place and uncalled for.
while I might “excuse” them as “doing their best,” I would emphasize it with a good slap upside their head.
I, like Grania, have students coming in so I’ll be quick…I can’t stop thinking about the “doing my best” comment. It has changed the way I teach (so much nicer and more patient), it has made this calmness wash over me, I can’t explain it but even though I have 21 people coming to my messy house for turkey tomorrow, I am totally, insanely calm, I am going to do my best!
So thank you, I am a total lurker…I look forward to reading everything you write, I feel “wicked smat” after reading it!
As for that mother F-er who wrote those horrible things, no words.
You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.
Have a great turkey day
Jeffa Hodge
Hum. You are a better person than I am, believing that the person thought about the comment before hitting send. The troll as human, as redeemable.
I think of them as missing a filter, just tossing off the first thought that pops into their head. And since that first thought is always, always, always a vicious attack, I also think of them as dim-witted but just bright enough to be frustrated by the fact that they are unable to keep up with the conversation.
Of course, I’m not known for my compassion.
Hey, thanks for that comment about not wanting advice. I read blogs a lot and when people share their moments of frustration, I’m always compelled to jump in and “help” with my friendly advice that is sure to solve the problem.
I need to check myself. Helpfulness is the friendly side of control, isn’t it!
I find it hard to accept that someone can “hate” someone they don’t know. Hate your “writing”, hate your “blog”, hate your “opinion” maybe. Hate you?
I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago and have rarely gone more than a week w/o reading it. I generally like the subjects you write about, I “love” your writing style and feel in many ways more enlightened (to the Arts) as a result of what you share.
The way I see it, this may, or may not be who you really are. I don’t think it’s possible to hate you based on this any more than it would be to love you based on this.
There are lots of people out there doing the best they can with what they have. That sure doesn’t mean they aren’t really sick and certainly does not excuse them from acting, or speaking out in inappropriate ways. My job is to make sure “I” don’t use that as an excuse to rationalize or act out inappropriately myself!
Take care Sheila, whatever you’re going through. Wishing you the best over the holiday.
Mark
I am a lurker, I suppose, although I really wish the word ‘cloaked’ could be substituted. I am amazed at your prolific output. Informative, entertaining, funny, yours is one of the highest quality blogs in existence.
Doc Horton
That’s on of the most eloquent posts I think I’ve read in a long, long time, Sheila.
Thank you for reminding me what gratefulness and thankfulness really is. I love you.
I’m not exactly a full on lurker but I’ve only posted a comment maybe 4 or 5 times. Backing up what everyone else is saying – I really appreciate the space you’ve created around here. It just feels like a real cozy coffee klatsch with a bunch ‘o interesting folks and I rarely go a day without checking the homepage to see if something grabs my eye.
And now this post! I swear to God, this part made me well up:
“I feel that when you are wounded – yes, sometimes you lose perspective, and you find yourself freaking out in line at the bank, or flying into a rage because the printer won’t work – but I also feel that you can be more aware of the beauty of life, its fragility and complexity. I do not think it is an accident that that person left that comment on that particular day, when I was feeling fragile and upset. There are larger forces at work out there than any of us can know.”
And the part about seeing people in the line at the supermarket or in the bank acting like total asshole, but they might be going through something awful…ack. This thought is always with me. Actually no, it’s not – I WISH it were. David Foster Wallace has a great essay that touches on that very topic. It’s the commencement speech he gave at Kenyon College, I’m sure you’ve read it but if you haven’t:
http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html
Another long-time lurker and fan coming forward here. Your blog is a daily treat. And we have uncanny parallels in our lives–or at least our tastes–that startle me. For example, just yesterday I went to the library and checked out Who Will Run the Frog Hospital, and low, I wake up this morning and you’ve written a post on it! Weird. I could write a blog on what is fabulous about your blog, Sheila, but the fact that someone as positive, open, and non-judging as you would draw this kind of spite makes me NEVER want to write a blog. Thanks for your generosity in sharing what turns on your lights. Bless you!
I’m not quite a lurker, mostly a prevented-from-frequent-commenting-by-a-firewall-er. But I try to visit often as possible because I think the vibe you’ve created here is grand. As is the host.Have a great Turkey Day.
I’ve noticed as I get older, I sort of judge people with a more cynical eye even though I truly believe in my heart that I’m a more OPEN person now.
I don’t immediately dismiss people but I keep an eye on them until I know for sure they are real. And I’m still trying to find a good definition for my version of “real”.
So, in saying all of this…the fact that I adore you and every morsel of wordy goodness that pours from you is not something I do easily.
And I am totally not sucking up!!
I can’t imagine anyone not feeling the same but there are people who are miserable and hate anything less than misery in others.
You know…misery loves company and all that crap.
I think I have had times when I’ve felt so bad that I wanted others to feel like shit too. I just couldn’t stand their happiness…like it was mocking me! So, I guess we have to wonder the same about people who post fucktard comments like that.
You’re probably not always happy but you always have hope (no pun intended, kitty!). Your blog screams hope and a constant potential for happiness and I’m sure that pisses off all those miserable bastards out there!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Sheila –
Add me to the list of near-lurkers wishing you well. Whatever your test is, I’m certain you will pull through.
As my latin teacher never said, “illegitimi non carborundum.”
my theory is that people (who aren’t just out-and-out indiscriminate trolls) lash out for two reasons: to fight their own feelings of inferiority, and to absolve themselves of responsibility.
the first type tends to offer disparaging comments about what you choose to write about / how you choose to write about it / what’s wrong with you on a very specific topic. that topic is usually whatever you’ve “made” them feel insecure about.
some people are not able, for whatever reason, to separate those feelings of insecurity in *themselves* from *your* actions–if they are “made” to feel insecure around you, you must be acting in a way that suggests you think you’re better than them.
in this scenario, *you* then need to be taken down a peg–by them–and often their comment will reflect their rationalization on either why what you’re doing that “makes” them feel insecure is not that important or not that good, or why you yourself are not better than them.
the second type is the type that tends to bother me a little more. this second type is the type that often shows up on personal posts that talk about some kind of personal pain / tragedy / loss or even just some kind of personal discomfort.
for the second type, something about this triggers either something of their own experiences or triggers feelings of sympathy / empathy, and with those come responsibility–to devote even a smidgen of one’s mental energy, to think of something to say that will make the person feel better, even to think about / face things about the person’s situation that don’t jibe with a set worldview.
so they tell the person exactly what they’ve done wrong / to deserve the situation and give them a few putdowns for good measure, so they’ll think twice about ever troubling them with such pesky, annoying emotions again.
i see this more often than not on personal blogs, and it’s usually complete with some sadistic “suggestion” as to how to avoid pestering the world at large with your “petty problems” in the future (either because they feel the need to repress themselves or just can’t stand to see you free to express your emotions…I think it can come from a lot of places).
they put you down, trivialize or minimize your problems, or explain to you what you’ve done to deserve them, so they can move on and not think about you anymore, not be bothered by something that might just open up their worldview to another person’s experience or ideas. easier that way.
it’s a tough idea that they need to make some statement like that so that’s possible…where most people can just think these thoughts in their head and move on…and i wonder all the time why people seem to see mere compassion as so costly, somehow. but when you say they’re doing their best…maybe that’s what some people need.
just my $0.02.
Another reader who lurks with love! Your passion for movies in particular inspired me to be brave and volunteer to write movie reviews for the website of the magazine I work for, and your informed, yet informal, style helps me loosen up my own. So thanks for the inspiration and I’m so sorry you’re going through tough times.
Sheila,
Thank you for writing your blog. It has brought joy, clarity and a wonderful reading list into my life!
You are such a star. I send you my best wishes at this time.
yet another not-lurker, but not exactly frequent commenter chiming in. I read your blog every day, and learn SO much and gain so much from reading your essays. (all your posts are essays. Yes, they are.)
I don’t often comment because I usually follow others saying what I want to say, but much more eloquently. Today, I commented anyways – but pretty much just to say “what they said”.
Those of us who think you are the bomb far outweigh those who don’t. I very much enjoy how you just seem to be your authentic self, and this inspires me to try to do more of the same.
Hi, Sheila — lurking with love, and grateful to you for putting yourself out there. Happy Thanksgiving and best wishes to you and yours.
Another not-quite-lurker coming out of the woodwork to let you know how much your work is appreciated. Your blog is one of the reasons why I love this medium. I usually wait until Sunday and read all your posts for the week at once, when I have enough time to sit and enjoy them without being in a rush to get anywhere. I feel like you deserve that extra attention and thought – I don’t want to speed through your writing quickly, I want to savor it and think about it. So, thank you!
I was a slacker and hadn’t kept up on my Sheila blog this week so I didn’t even know this happened until Kerry told me today! I felt a bit like I wasn’t there for the support you needed at the time and I wanted to run to my computer to express my support. I try to do good and be good, but I know I don’t always succeed. However, when I live my life that way, it makes me happier.
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with the family.
(Jean – I’m jealous you can read at school, this is a “personal or blog site” that is blocked by the NY board of ed! grr!)
I’m definitely another lurker who has read your blog for years. Fact is, if I commented on all those times your words have touched me deeply, personally, you’d quickly change my label to “stalker” and that…well, that would be that.
S., you do have an impact. You alter the world around you, constructively and positively, which is rare indeed. And I’d like to say thanks.
j.
To every single person who has commented here today (and those who have not, but who still lurk with love): thank you.
It has been an amazing experience to read thru all of this – especially since it was the day after Thanksgiving … so thank you thank you thank you.
another lurker–just crossing my fingers out in my corner of the world for you. Hope things work out.
I don’t have a blog, but I do struggle with this issue in my daily life. So, thank you for this piece and for all of your other writings. I come here every day, and while I rarely comment, I always leave with something to cherish: a new book to read, a photo of a secret New York treasure, a wonderful thought about acting. You got me to go see the Sabrina/Stalag 17 double feature at Lincoln Center, and it was the best experience I’ve had at the movies all year. You also make me laugh. And LAUGH. Please, don’t stop hyperbolizing. My favorite people are the ones who haven’t forgotten how to be silly.
Thinking about you and your family.