— The rough cut of our little film is done. There’s been tons of back and forth between me and the director, lots of conversation, and it’s been fascinating, nerve-wracking, and I love being back in the zone of something creative. Giving notes, getting notes, creative discussions … I was an actress for so long and I miss it. I have MISSED that rehearsal/creative process and it is so good to be back in that type of conversation, even if it’s from the writer’s side. It’s wonderful.

— It is difficult for me to maintain stability. It requires rigor. I am envious of those who are on more of an even keel, naturally. I am two years into my diagnosis now and I am starting to understand my illness’ cyclical nature. Although it is somewhat embarrassing to admit that things like the moon phases and the length of the day has such an effect on me (it makes me feel like a cave-woman) … I understand now the seasonal nature of this thing and that this time of year has been (historically) rather bad. It’s not rocket science what I have to do to stay sane. And I do it. I wish it wasn’t all such a chore though. Sleep, good diet, no alcohol, exercise (thank you, spring weather – I’ve been running and walking everywhere again), keeping a journal (haven’t done so in years but it really helps, so I started again), mantra-type internal comments – where I talk myself out of the spiral – allowing for pleasure in my life, to not be such a task-master hard-ass on myself. Like, give yourself a fucking BREAK, Sheila. Do shit just because you feel like doing it. Read for pleasure. Indulge in pantsfeelings as much as possible. Follow your hobbies. Go see a hockey game. Whatever. Like I said, not rocket science. It’s been hard since I came back from L.A. and there’s so much happening that is awesome! I feel like I have not been present to it. Or not present in the way I want to be.

— My 16-year-old nephew texted me recently. He’s going on a trip to Europe with his school choir. They are traveling through Amsterdam, Brussels, Bruges, and Paris. He wanted book recommendations. First of all, the heart-crack of this is almost too much to bear. It is like I have taken on my father’s role in the family. Like, this is what people would ask my dad. It is a huge responsibility. I take it very seriously. Second of all, when he texted me, even though he’s a teenager and everything, he texted, “Auntie Sheila …” which is what he has always called me. More heartcrack. So we went back and forth and I had some ideas for him and then I asked, “Have you seen Midnight in Paris?” He said yes he had seen it – and then he said to me: “So you’re thinking lost generation then.” Yes, kid. That’s what I was thinking. And kudos to you for knowing that term, and kudos to you in general for EVERYTHING.

— I’m reading a book now on the war in Chechnya. That, to me, counts as reading for pleasure.

— I finally have health insurance again (after three years of having none) and have been getting back on the coverage track, which has been part of the stress of this past month. Blood tests and mammograms and ultrasounds, oh my.

— I have good friends and an amazing family. I am very lucky! I love my nieces and nephews and love being an aunt.

— My new go-to workout song. Slightly obsessed with it.

This entry was posted in Personal. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Snapshots

  1. Lisa in Fort Worth says:

    Keep up those positive affirmations!! They work.

    You’re the cool Auntie, wait till he goes off to college more heartcrack ahead. Get him into writing letters to you, I did this with my cousin who was eight years younger. What a BLAST!

    Love that One Republic song! It’s my crank-it-up because traffic in DFW is a CROCK OF YOU KNOW WHAT! The louder the song the less stressful traffic becomes.

    Tell you self like I do everyday… be present in your life, participate, be positive, and polite it pays.

    • sheila says:

      Lisa – hahaha I am picturing you cranking up that tune stuck in traffic in Dallas. YES. It’s just so … motivational, that song. It’s my jam right now!

      Yes, the positive affirmations help indeed!

      When I was out in LA, had a good talk with my nephew about college and stuff (I can’t believe it – he was 3 years old, like, yesterday!!) – I love it when he texts me. But this one was the most special. I honestly felt like my dad – everyone in his life was always asking him for book recommendations and he always came through. So it was really special!

      Nephew will be singing with his choir in Notre Dame – so exciting – hope there’s video!!

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Lisa!!

      • Lisa in Fort Worth says:

        Notre Dame!! How cool is that! I hope you do get a video to post! I will be anxious to see it!

        • sheila says:

          Nephew did inform me that the acoustics there are “notoriously bad” for choirs, but that “still, it’s gonna be really cool to say I sang in that cathedral.”

          Yes, Cashel, cool is the word for it, and you!!

  2. Jessie says:

    So exciting about the film! I am sure there are plans, hopes, dreams for release…when do you think you might get to see it on the big screen?

    Your nephew’s trip sounds amazing! I am sure you gave him plenty to keep him occupied on the planes and trains! One of my favourite memories is reading the entirety of Don Quixote on the plane home from Italy many years ago. Everyone was asleep and I felt like a superhero ha ha ha. Although it probably wasn’t ideal as I can’t remember large sections of the book…..

    Also, go you for getting through a tough month! I find it really easy to get down on myself when I feel like failed at a part of self-care that is like this unambiguous good that should be so simple…like, cause and effect, Edwards, how can you not know this yet? And that how/why is a consuming mystery. And then the guilt, and uuughh. Props to you for keeping it up and being awake to it and, like, doing your chores and eating your broccoli! Good luck for April! And being present in your life is such good advice. Remember…

    • sheila says:

      Jessie – Yes, my film – eek!!! We’re moving towards a real director’s cut now (or, I should say – the director and editor are) – and once that’s in the can, the festival submission process starts. Fingers crossed it gets accepted – and then … well I’ll be on some red carpet at the Duluth International Film Festival or something and I’ll get to see it writ large. I may faint. I wish I drank! :)

      // One of my favourite memories is reading the entirety of Don Quixote on the plane home from Italy many years ago. //

      That is so fabulous!! I recommended A Moveable Feast to Cashel – I wasn’t sure about literature that has to do with Amsterdam/Brussels/Bruges – so I came up short in that arena. He is on his way over there now – so proud of that big giant tall teenager!!

      // ike, cause and effect, Edwards, how can you not know this yet? //

      I know. I fell behind in exercising – because the weather was so bad – and I exercise outside, I don’t belong to a gym – but I should have been doing Zumba tapes at home or something – which I will do in the future. It was my own fault – I need to exercise really badly – not just because I need to lose weight, which I do, but because it makes me feel better and I love to do it!

      That picture of Jensen never fails to give me pleasure. It is so insanely diabolical and Dionysian and corrupt. It makes me howl. And to see my name scrawled across it? HA!!

    • sheila says:

      I love that picture because of the expression on his face. His eyes are totally dead. Like: “see muh belly? see what I got going on here?” It makes me roar.

  3. Lyrie says:

    Jessie. That. Picture.

  4. Kate says:

    Sheila…I”m so happy for the film and all that is good in your life. I could see your short film, like Whiplash, growing into something bigger. I also love hearing about your interaction with your nephew as I adore my nieces and nephews and take my role seriously. I also admire your efforts at doing all that is necessary for your health… I have a similar checklist myself. Do you mind if I say “Don’t forget probiotics” – I seriously feel the difference. I use Biokult.

  5. Frederick Hamilton Wright says:

    What do you think of the new off-Broadway, musical “Hamilton” with a black Aaron Burr? Please respond by email. I am a descendant, readying a major film about my ancestor, AH.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.