— The rough cut of our little film is done. There’s been tons of back and forth between me and the director, lots of conversation, and it’s been fascinating, nerve-wracking, and I love being back in the zone of something creative. Giving notes, getting notes, creative discussions … I was an actress for so long and I miss it. I have MISSED that rehearsal/creative process and it is so good to be back in that type of conversation, even if it’s from the writer’s side. It’s wonderful.
— It is difficult for me to maintain stability. It requires rigor. I am envious of those who are on more of an even keel, naturally. I am two years into my diagnosis now and I am starting to understand my illness’ cyclical nature. Although it is somewhat embarrassing to admit that things like the moon phases and the length of the day has such an effect on me (it makes me feel like a cave-woman) … I understand now the seasonal nature of this thing and that this time of year has been (historically) rather bad. It’s not rocket science what I have to do to stay sane. And I do it. I wish it wasn’t all such a chore though. Sleep, good diet, no alcohol, exercise (thank you, spring weather – I’ve been running and walking everywhere again), keeping a journal (haven’t done so in years but it really helps, so I started again), mantra-type internal comments – where I talk myself out of the spiral – allowing for pleasure in my life, to not be such a task-master hard-ass on myself. Like, give yourself a fucking BREAK, Sheila. Do shit just because you feel like doing it. Read for pleasure. Indulge in pantsfeelings as much as possible. Follow your hobbies. Go see a hockey game. Whatever. Like I said, not rocket science. It’s been hard since I came back from L.A. and there’s so much happening that is awesome! I feel like I have not been present to it. Or not present in the way I want to be.
— My 16-year-old nephew texted me recently. He’s going on a trip to Europe with his school choir. They are traveling through Amsterdam, Brussels, Bruges, and Paris. He wanted book recommendations. First of all, the heart-crack of this is almost too much to bear. It is like I have taken on my father’s role in the family. Like, this is what people would ask my dad. It is a huge responsibility. I take it very seriously. Second of all, when he texted me, even though he’s a teenager and everything, he texted, “Auntie Sheila …” which is what he has always called me. More heartcrack. So we went back and forth and I had some ideas for him and then I asked, “Have you seen Midnight in Paris?” He said yes he had seen it – and then he said to me: “So you’re thinking lost generation then.” Yes, kid. That’s what I was thinking. And kudos to you for knowing that term, and kudos to you in general for EVERYTHING.
— I’m reading a book now on the war in Chechnya. That, to me, counts as reading for pleasure.
— I finally have health insurance again (after three years of having none) and have been getting back on the coverage track, which has been part of the stress of this past month. Blood tests and mammograms and ultrasounds, oh my.
— I have good friends and an amazing family. I am very lucky! I love my nieces and nephews and love being an aunt.
— My new go-to workout song. Slightly obsessed with it.