Daily Book Excerpt: Entertainment Biography/Memoir:
As I Am: An Autobiography
, by Patricia Neal
This is one of those rare books where my response to it was, “Dear God, it’s me, Sheila. Could you please give Patricia Neal a break? Hasn’t she had enough??” The bare bones of her life story are enough to make my blood run cold – because so much of what happened to her was random, the luck of the draw. It’s a great fear of mine – to be incapacitated by something like a stroke – something where my mind has gone, and I have to rebuild it … where I am still in there, but my body won’t behave. It’s terrifying. Not to mention being (like Patricia Neal was) pregnant! But there’s so much more to this fantastic book than just the story of her stroke and her incredible recovery (which had as much to do with pure grit and willpower than anything else). It’s beautifully written – emotional and in-the-moment … The things that hurt her once still seem to hurt her, the experiences she had as a young woman still seem real to her … Patricia Neal is not “over” it, she doesn’t come across as distanced in any way – and yet at the same time, I don’t get that ikky sense that I get from some biographies that she has an axe to grind. No, what I get is that Neal – as a wonderful actress – is able to do the same thing in her writing that she can do as an actress: imagine herself into another world, this time her past – and re-experience it. You FEEL what she feels. You can’t believe what this woman has gone through.
And what an actress.

I think Neal’s book is fantastic. It’s fantastic about acting, and her career – moments where she had breakthroughs, troubled moments with directors, whatever … and it’s also fantastic about the real-life aspects: love affairs, life, motherhood, grief, religion, career … It’s quite a book, and I love the title. You really feel, by the end of the book, that you have been through the wringer with her – and that she has truly earned the right to say the words, “As I Am.” It was hard-won, that peace with herself, hard hard won … She had to scrape and claw for so much, she had to climb herself back to health, she had to insist to herself that life, after all, was worth living. The story of her recovery from her stroke brings tears to my eyes. It’s terrible.

Roald Dahl, her husband, was not a warm man. There was something off about him. He told Patricia Neal he loved her twice in their whole marriage. But his response to her stroke – what we would call now as “tough love” – is much of why she recovered. Well, that and the neurosurgery team at the hospital. But when Neal came home, she was on her own. Dahl refused to baby her. If it took her 45 minutes to button her blouse, then it took her 45 minutes. He would not help. They would have enormous battles, and she would be screaming at him – only she still couldn’t remember the words for things (horrifying – it just gives me chills) – so she’d be shouting gibberish, trying, trying, to remember the word for, oh, “son of a bitch” or “I hate you”.
Prior to marrying Roald Dahl, Neal – early in her career – had been cast in The Fountainhead with Gary Cooper.

Gary Cooper was a married man, but he was also a famous philanderer. He had great respect for his wife, Rocky, and always stopped his affairs before they went too far. Rocky knew all about them, and I have no idea what it was like for her – but the two of them seemed good companions. Cooper needed to be married, having a homelife was very important to him – and Rocky loved her position in society as his wife. It was a tradeoff. Cooper and Neal had an affair. Neal was not a floozy, not really, and she fell so in love with Gary Cooper that she counts him as the great love of her life. Really the only man she ever loved. Her entire book ends with her going out to lunch with Rocky, and the two of them talking about Gary, and Rocky seeming to understand what it was that Neal had lost (after all, she loved him too) – and it felt good for the two of them to sit there and reminisce about him. Rather extraordinary, huh? Neal writes:
This was the one man I loved passionately, the one I had fought to get. But the bond of his marriage was stronger than our passion. And I was forced to submit to that. I am now grateful that I did. If I had not married Roald Dahl, I would have been denied my children, even my life, because he truly saved me and I will be forever grateful to him for that.
Complicated. Life is not simple.
In 1963, Patricia Neal played Alma, the earthy humorous housekeeper in Hud. Neal won the Oscar for Best Actress.

The year before, her 7-year-old daughter Olivia had died, unexpectedly, from measles encephalitis. Neal was still struggling, at the time of filming Hud, with an almost baffled sense of grief, how do you incorporate such an event into your life, how on earth do you go on?? Watching her as Alma is a true testament to the power of art as some kind of healing force. She is not “playing” her own biography here. Alma is a tough Texas woman, with some miles on her, a divorce in her past, and yet a philisophical attitude which allows her to hang out with tough men and be one of them. Despite her housekeeper status. It’s a marvelous portrayal – three-dimensional in its scope and a constant surprise. Her grief about her daughter was somehow mysteriously channeled into that performance … It was like Neal needed to lose herself in her work, and boy, did she ever.
In 1965 she had a debilitating stroke. Actually, she had three strokes – which left her in a coma. It was thought she would never come out of it. She was 39 years old. A long road to recovery followed, and she credits much of it to Roald Dahl, who shouted at her until she could do nothing else but fight back. He would not let her be weak. Whatever issues they had in their marriage (and who knows, maybe Dahl sensed all along that he was her second choice) it did not stop Dahl from insisting that she get strong. If she had to hate him in the process, then maybe that would be good for her, motivational.
Neal describes sitting and watching the Academy Awards in 1965 – post-stroke – where, if she hadn’t been incapacitated, she would have been there to present the award to the Best Actor – it was her spot, because she had won the award the year before. Audrey Hepburn gave out the award in her place, and Neal – still sick, still unable to form or remember words – had the expectation that Hepburn would at least acknowledge her – would say something nice about her, to remind the audience, “This should have been Patricia Neal presenting …” but Hepburn didn’t say a word. Just gave out the award. Neal flipped out. She and Dahl were sitting on the couch at home, and Neal started shouting at the television, expressing her anger at being so forgotten and ignored. It hurt her. But because of the stroke, what came out was gibberish – she couldn’t remember any words for anything – but the sentiment was clear.
Dahl took that as a wonderful sign. That Neal had a memory of something outside of her own sickness, and was invested enough in it to be pissed off … He thought that was great. A sign of health. Being able to say, “Goddammit, that is so UNFAIR” is a sign of mental health (I’ve often thought so … when we stop having the ability to rail at the unfair-ness of things, we lose a lot of our fire …). I think Dahl was on to something – and perhaps he didn’t really love her (sure doesn’t sound like it) – but perhaps it was that very DISTANCE from her, the fact that he could remain separate from her, and see her clearly, that he didn’t feel the need to hover over his poor darling, cooing over how sick she was … that made him such a great and enormous help in her recovery.
She was offered the role of Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate (amazing to contemplate, huh?) – but she turned it down, feeling that it was still too close to her stroke. Neal rebuilt her life. She worked with a speech therapist, she worked with neurologists … and she came back. When she returned to work, in The Subject Was Roses, she was again nominated for an Academy Award.
As I Am is one of my favorites in this particular genre: entertainment autobiography … It palpitates with real feeling, and is very specific. She remembers people – Kazan, Cooper … and she also, frankly, comes off as someone I would love to know. A real person. Whose life has been a true journey. Who had shit thrown at her – time and time again – and she survived it. Not without a lot of fighting and a lot of grief – and one nervous breakdown – but she survived.

Her memories of Gary Cooper are so tender that it makes my heart crack … and I often wonder, in my own life, what is left in me to give someone else … after my great and failed love. My guy said to me, in a song he wrote for me, “You’ll always be my great lost love.” Thanks for nothing, pal. No, just kidding. But it really resonated with me, her journey. And how she tells it like it is. She does not spare Dahl in many respects. He had an affair with her best friend – which was what finally ended their 30-year marriage. He laughed in her face when she told him her heart was broken. I don’t think he ever really recovered from his daughter dying … it made him twisted and mean. So Neal just tells it like it is. BUT she does not throw out ye olde baby with ye olde bathwater. Dahl MADE her get well, MADE her recover, on her own, from the strokes that should have killed her. And so, like she says, she owes him her LIFE. Pretty amazing.
I chose an excerpt today that really moves me. In 1959 Patricia Neal was cast in the play Miracle Worker, being directed by Arthur Penn. She was a big enough star at that point that she was hurt that she was not offered the role of Annie. She played Helen’s mother. BUT: Neal took the role, knowing that she needed to work – rather than not work – and yes, her ego took a blow … but I love her grace here, and also her honesty. It was not easy to back off and not be the star. But she did.
EXCERPT FROM As I Am: An Autobiography
, by Patricia Neal
It was April in 1959 when I heard from Arthur Penn, the director. He was casting William Gibson’s The Miracle Worker, about the young Helen Keller. Everyone knew it was bound to be one of the biggest hits of the season and the vehicle of a lifetime for the actress who played Annie Sullivan, Helen’s teacher.
The only problem was, Arthur was not offering me that part. He thought I would be wonderful as Helen’s mother. It was not a starring role, but I hadn’t done a play in the United States in four years or a film in three. I was in no position to command the star spot and I knew it. I could fantasize all I wanted, but if I was to keep working I would have to go with what was offered.
The star of Miracle Worker was Anne Bancroft. Like me, Anne had left Hollywood and returned to New York to make a new start. I first saw her at The Studio and admired her as an actress. Later I got to know her socially at the Strasberg parties. She was great fun and I liked her very much. Our paths were destined to cross many times.
We were in rehearsal only a few days when Anne and Arthur invited me for a drink. Arthur asked me quite candidly if I resented not playing the star role. I was equally candid. I admitted that I did, indeed, find it tough to step down, but I was trying my damndest to do it graciously. They breathed sighs of relief. Both of them thanked me for being honest and assured me they knew how difficult it was. I can truthfully say that the fact that I adored Anne and Arthur helped. I felt better than I had in days for having gotten it out. It was one of the happiest companies I ever worked with. It also afforded me a reunion with Phyllis Adams, of my pavement-pounding days. Phyllis was now married to George Jenkins, our set designer.
Near the end of rehearsals I saw Fred Cox, our producer, in the auditorium with a man and a woman. I couldn’t see their faces from the stage, but the man kept waving at me. Finally I walked down the aisle to see who he was.
“Do you recognize me?” he asked with a tinge of wickedness. “We met in Chicago.”
I searched the familiar face for a name.
“I’m the fellow you told not to go into show business.”
“Oh yes,” I said, nodding. “Michael …”
Fred helped me out. “Nichols.”
The woman with him, of course, was Elaine May.
I had gone six weeks without my family and we were just beginning out-of-town previews in Boston when Roald arrived with the girls. I could not wait to see my babies, and as they got off the elevator, I bellowed my welcome. Olvia looked at me with fright and Tessa let out a terrified wail. They obviously had no idea they were coming to see me and, in fact, did not seem to know why I had been absent from their lives for so long. I was annoyed with Roald for this oversight, but later, when all was well and we laughed it off, I scolded myself for making too much of it.
Eventually Roald came to the show. Following the performance, Arthur appeared at my dressing room. He was shaking with anger. “He’s quite a fellow, that husband of yours. He doesn’t think we have much of a play. Of course, he gave us his recommendations. We’d appreciate it if you’d see that he doesn’t come again.”
I was humiliated. And so angry that when Roald came backstage, I seethed. “This has nothing to do with you. Will you keep your fucking nose out of my business and let me make my own enemies!” We did not speak again about the progress of the play.
The Miracle Worker opened on October 19, 1959. Our reviews were as great as everyone hoped. Especially for Anne and little Patty Duke, who played Helen.
I got pregnant on opening night. Obviously Roald did not hold grudges.
Patty was older than the six-and-a-half-year-old Helen she portrayed on stage. I used to take her home with me and she was the perfect guest, completely charming and gracious. She loved to read stories to the girls, who adored her. Her visits spurred Olivia’s pestering to come and see Mummy act for the first time. I arranged for Sonia to take her to a matinee but asked that she kept in the lobby during my first scene, fearing my frantic screams for my stage child might set up a howl from my own. After the performance, she looked at me very seriously and said, “I loved you, Mummy. You were jolly good.” At that moment I didn’t mind that Anne had gotten all the reviews. I had just gotten the most important notice of my life.