June 18, 2010

First slide: Burt Hummel (Mike O'Malley)

Friend Matt Zoller Seitz has a great slideshow up in Salon right now called "Great Dads in Pop Culture Not Named Atticus Finch". First slide of the bunch? Cousin Mike. Naturally. The man is everywhere right now.

Matt writes:

Burt Hummel, the father of the effeminate, flamboyant musical prodigy Kurt on Fox's "Glee," is the most psychologically credible father of a gay son ever seen on network television. You believe him because of longtime sitcom star Mike O'Malley's subtle yet emotionally direct performance, and because series creator Ryan Murphy and his writers have taken the trouble to make Burt a real person. He's not a symbol of intolerance or enlightenment or anything else; he's just a working-class straight man who loves his boy and wants him to be happy, even though a lifetime of conditioning makes him uncomfortable with everything Kurt is about.

To me, that captures what is going on perfectly in that character which has become a sort of phenomenon, and I agree with Matt: It's never been seen before in quite this particular light. My favorite moment so far is from the episode when Burt (Mike) starts to bond with Finn (his gay son's crush) about football and other things, and his son freaks out, feeling left out. They have a conversation about it, and BOTH sides come to the table with good points. Burt says to his son, "I liked having someone I could talk about guy stuff with ..." and Kurt replies, devastated, "I'm a guy", a revolutionary moment if ever there was one. It shames anyone who thinks they know what they are talking about when they declare "that's a REAL man" about, oh, John Wayne, or a WWII vet or something, not realizing that yes, they are men, and great men, but they are just one example of manliness in a tapestry of many variables, and by pointing at ONE quality and saying "That is a REAL man", these people are purposefully excluding vast millions of people who do not "qualify" in their narrow definition. The same is done by people who say stuff like, "REAL women have curves", thinking that they're celebrating something, but what they are doing is narrowing the definition. Oh, so Shelley Duvall isn't a REAL woman? How dare you make that statement? How dare you? How dare you declare women who don't have the body type that you think most attractive aren't REAL women? This is insidious stuff, make no mistake. If you don't think little girls (or little boys, such as Kurt on Glee), absorb these messages, and come to horrible conclusions about themselves that can have a lifelong effect, then you're wrong.

And here, in that episode in Glee, with Kurt's ferocious, and yet very hurt statement, "I'm a guy.", he put the nail in the coffin of that argument, as far as I'm concerned. I was amazed by it. You don't need to do too much to get your point across. And instead of having the show be a constant refrain of Kurt's unenlightened dad having to learn gay lessons, it's more about creating a relationship, in fits and starts, two men alone in the house, without a mother, trying to find their way. My favorite moment of Burt's comes in that episode when he says to his son, "Hey, listen. We had a deal. I don't try to change you ... and you don't try to change me."

We've had enough of shaming people for "incorrect" attitudes. How about cutting each other a little slack. How about trying to realize that everyone, good or bad, is just doing their best? How about trying to form a relationship with someone that is different from you, rather than just labeling that person as "other". All of this is muddied naturally when it is your own child, and the script handles this like no other.

Obviously, I'm proud of my cousin Mike; he's been instrumental in pushing forward the project I've been working on this year. He deserves all the good things that come to him.

And because I never like to pass up an opportunity to link to this: Mike wrote a piece last year for the Sports, Leadership & Life series in New England, that I think is terrific. It's called Things You Already Know.

Please, go read Matt's piece.

There are many surprises on the list. Two I found very gratifying (besides my own cousin, I mean): the struggling lower-class father in the Iranian film Children of Heaven, and the great Paul Wingfield as the father in Sounder, certainly one of the most moving portrayals of a father in American cinema.


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May 30, 2010

"The deadbolt notes"

A wonderful tribute post to Law and Order, finally closing up its 20th and final season.

One of the things about the show, filmed in New York City, is that it kept actors working. Amazing talented stage actors who perhaps otherwise could not have kept afloat financially ... Law and Order had a huge amazing pool to pick from, and in many ways (similar to soap operas), the omnipresent nature of Law and Order in this town meant that off-Broadway could flourish, it helped actors fund themselves, and the projects they really wanted to do. This is a professional town. It is an expensive town. There are people here who are the best in the business, and yet perhaps nobody has every heard their name. No matter. It's the work that is important. Law and Order kept actors working, helped keep them in their unions, pay their dues, and - most important - it created a structure that, inadvertently (or, perhaps, "vertently"), kept off-Broadway alive. Soap opera actors make a ton of money. Many of them are stage-trained. They are in New York City for a reason. A couple of guest spots on a soap means they can go off to Williamstown Theatre Festival in the summer and do Cherry Orchard. Law and Order, a superior show, obviously, that has spawned a million spin-offs (it's a structure that just works), knew that it had the best of the best to pull from. Everyone I know has been on that show at least once.

It will be missed for many reasons, but for the New York actor, that sense that an operation was out there looking for them, and specifically, is what will be missed the most.

Here's a post I wrote about S. Epatha Merkerson.

My tribute piece to Jerry Orbach.

Don't miss Jackie's post.


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May 21, 2010

"Michael!"

I've posted this before, but I love it so much here it is again. Bobby Darin singing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" on the Judy Garland TV show, with some crazy abstract "Poor Judd is Dead" set, dramatic lighting, and Darin's unbelievable intensity (look at his hands, his jaw, his fists) - sex, sex, sex, is what he exudes (the clap at the 1:18 mark? It's so angry, and yet so held-back, he makes "Halleluia" sound almost like a "fuck you"). Watch how he commands the back-up singers to start, ("sing"), and then the next gesture, a wiping-out gesture, quickly, telling them to stop, - how specific, how tightly coiled he is, it's a crazy neurotic performance if you really examine it (and believe me, I have) - and it's all the more powerful because it seems so ... strangely personal. The ferocity of his last moment - the flailing arm, the final scream "MICHAEL". Television just doesn't look this anymore. There's a rawness to it. A stripping away of all that is extraneous so that the performer himself can shine. Bobby Darin just owns it here.



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November 15, 2009

The rehearsal for "Jack Crew's Hamlet" at the New Burbage Theatre Festival

Season 1 of Slings and Arrows (which we discussed, beautifully, here.)

Yes, an obsessive post. Fun for me. Hopefully fun for all of you diehard fans of the show out there. What is so gorgeous to me about this TV series is how much it GETS the rehearsal process - the true STRUGGLES that must take place in order to, you know, get up and do it - and how that takes different forms in different people. It has respect for all of its characters (well, maybe not that bitch from Texas on the board, Holly!! She's awesome - what a truly irredeemable character, and that actress is brilliant) and the journey of Jack Crew, an American movie star who has come up to Canada to "play Hamlet", is one of the most moving in the entire series. He is young, hot, successful ... and scared out of his mind. It takes a while for him to get the courage to ... do this role ... and here, in script-form and synopsis-form, is what that process was like for him.

Also: there is some damn fine script analysis going on here.

My favorite line in the entire thing? It comes from Geoffrey, and it's one word: "Filler".

Never thought of it that way before, and now that's the only way I can think about it.


Opening credits for Season 1. Cyril at the piano in the theatre bar. He sings.

Cheer up Hamlet
Chin up Hamlet
Buck up you melancholy Dane
So your uncle is a cad who murdered Dad and married Mum
That's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become
So wise up Hamlet
Rise up Hamlet
Hark up and sing the new refrain
Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui
Your antic disposition is embarrassing to see
And by the way, you sulky brat, the answer is TO BE
You're driving poor Ophelia insane
So shut up you rogue and peasant
Grow up, it's most unpleasant
Cheer up, you melancholy Dane!


From Slings & Arrows, season 1.

Geoffrey: Greetings, actors! I have news from my planet! Darren Nichols is gone. He has been sent packing. You will no longer see him or his post-modern pseudo-Brechtian leather-clad schoolboy buggery of a production design again. There are some of you who will be terrified to learn that I am taking over direction of this play. There are others who will be thrilled because you know that in my production there will be little danger of you stepping in a pile of horseshit. [Crazy laugh] But I think there is one thing that the pro-Geoffrey and anti-Geoffrey camps can agree upon and that is that my reason may very well be hanging by a thread - well, my friends, it is my belief that the best stuff happens just before the thread snaps. So. Take out your scripts. Let's begin. A free reading of the play - sitting, walking, standing, dancing, levitating - whatever it is you want to do - and Maria, I imagine we're still waiting for Ellen?

Ellen: I'm here.

Geoffrey: Fantastic. Maria? Off we go.

Maria: All right then. Hamlet. Act One. Scene One. Enter two sentinels.

Frank [as Bernardo]: Who's there?

Cyril [as Francisco]: Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

Frank: Long live the King!

Cyril: Bernardo?

Frank: He.

Cyril: You come most carefully upon your hour.

Frank: 'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.

Cyril: For this relief much thanks.



Geoffrey sits beside the hospital bed of May Silverstone, head of the Board of Directors, who has fallen ill. He fills her in on what is happening at the theatre.

Geoffrey: Anna is bleaching her teeth and they are getting whiter every day so we're all very excited. What else .... Frank and Cyril say hello and they have baked you something but I can't pronounce it.

May: (whispering) The play ....

Geoffrey: No, May, I don't want to give you another heart attack. Okay. The play. Ellen is being Ellen. And Claire is absolutely horrible. But Jack ..... I don't know. Ultimately, this is Jack Crew's Hamlet, it's not mine, and I'm not just saying that to make excuses, but I don't know who he is. I don't know what his thing is. I don't know what he's going to bring to the role, so I can't see the Hamlet, so I can't see the play. And that's the problem.



Rehearsal for Hamlet. Jack Crew, American movie star playing Hamlet, is onstage, doing karate moves, supplying his own sound effects, as he kills Polonius. Ellen, playing Gertrude, stands by, script in hand. Geoffrey watches from the stalls, silent. The actor playing Polonius falls.

Maria (the stage manager) calls out the stage direction: "Polonius falls and dies."

Ellen [as Gertrude]: O me, what hast thou done?

Jack [as Hamlet, improvising around the text. His actual line is: "Nay, I know not:
Is it the king?" Instead he says:
]: I don't know. Who was it? Was it the king?

Ellen: O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

Jack: [again improvising - the actual line is: A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother, As kill a king, and marry with his brother. But instead, Jack says:] Yeah, right. Almost as bad as killing a king and marrying his brother, right?

Frank [watching from the stalls, whispers to Cyril]: Why is he allowed to do that?

Cyril: It's the Method isn't it, ducky. He's making it his own. That's how they do it in America.

Up onstage, Jack discovers Polonius lying on the floor.

Jack: [his actual line as Hamlet is: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! I took thee for thy better - instead, Jack says:] You IDIOT! You stupid idiot. I thought you were the King. Oh well, no great loss, ey?

The ghost of Oliver hovers behind Geoffrey and he says to Geoffrey: How long are you going to let him shred the text like that?

Geoffrey: At least he's making an effort. Ellen is barely in the room.

Oliver: She'll claim she has nothing to work with.

Geoffrey: He's giving her plenty to work with.

Oliver: Unfortunately none of it was written by William Shakespeare.

Ellen: [onstage] What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue
In noise so rude against me?

Jack: [his actual line is:
Such an act
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows
As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed
As from the body of contraction plucks
The very soul, and sweet religion makes
A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:
Yea, this solidity and compound mass,
With tristful visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick at the act. Instead Jack says:
]
What have you done? What have you DONE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Fuck ME!

Geoffrey: Oh my God.

Oliver: [gesturing at his watch] Tick tick tick, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey: Well, can't you do something? Cast a spell to make it all better?

Oliver: I'm not a witch, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey: Then what good are you.

Oliver: I'm a shoulder to cry on. A quip here and there.

Geoffrey: No, honestly. Why are you haunting me like this? Do you have some kind of purpose? Is there some kind of mystical task you're supposed to perform before they let you move on because I tell ya', I'll help you my friend. I would very much like to help expedite that process.

Oliver: I'm sorry Geoffrey. I don't know why I'm here. There was no pamphlet in the coffin. Anyway ... he who is without sin ...

Geoffrey: What?

Oliver: What is YOUR purpose here? Exactly?

Long pause, as Geoffrey realizes that the rehearsal has stopped and everyone is looking at him talking to what appears to be himself.

Maria: Would you like to take a break, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey: Yeah. 15 minutes, please?

Maria: 15 minutes everyone.

Ellen sweeps by Geoffrey saying to him as she passes: "It's not my fault. He's giving me NOTHING. Sorry."

During the break, the actors mill around backstage, having snacks, looking at their scripts. Jack stands in a corner, pacing, talking to himself. Claire, who is playing Ophelia, sashays over to Kate (played by Rachel McAdams). Kate and Jack have been developing a relationship, and Claire is jealous.

Claire: Why doesn't he just say the lines?

Kate: I guess it's just part of his process.

Claire: Didn't it ever come up? I mean, when you guys were dating?

Kate: I don't want to talk about it.

Claire: (sashaying away) Fine.

Kate gets up and approaches Jack.

Kate: Hi.

Jack: Hi.

Kate: Claire's a bitch.

Jack: Yeah. She's a terrible actress too in case you haven't noticed.

Kate: Why don't you say the lines? Ever?

Jack: I can't say the lines until it feels right.

Kate: If you want to run lines ... I'm available.

Jack: No. I know the lines. I don't own them yet, you know what I mean? When I'm improvising, those are my words so it feels right.

Kate: Oh, okay, yeah, I've heard of that.

Jack: It's a Method thing I picked up when I worked with Howard.

Kate: Howard?

Jack: Ron Howard. (Claire starts laughing.) I know, Opie, right, ha ha? But the guy's been around actors since he was like three. He knows his stuff.

Kate: Sorry.

Jack: I would like to run lines with you though, if that's okay.

Kate: Okay.

Jack: You know, you wanted to take it easy ...

Kate: Well, we're just gonna run lines, right? We're not gonna have sex.

Jack: To be perfectly honest, I want to do both.

Kate: Well, running lines is okay. Tomorrow night? Your place?

Jack: Great. I'll pick up some Cheesies on my way home.

Kate: Cheesies! Classy!

Jack: If we were gonna have sex, I might spring for Nachos.

Moving on in the rehearsal process. The cast is rehearsing Act 4, scene 5. Ophelia's mad scene. Horrible-actress Claire, with a wreath of flowers in her hair, staggers around onstage, singing in a terrible sing-song voice, "Oh will not come again ..." It is horrendous. Everyone stands around looking on. Geoffrey sits with his head in his hands. Finally he can take it no longer.

Geoffrey: Stop. For God's sake, stop.

Claire: What.

Geoffrey: Where is this coming from?

Claire: What?

Geoffrey: This staggering-about-with-your-mouth-open?

Claire: You're being sarcastic again with me. Please don't be sarcastic.

Geoffrey: Actually, I'm not.

Claire: Ophelia's mad.

Geoffrey: Right.

Claire: I'm playing madness.

Geoffrey: Right. And how does staggering about with your mouth open suggest madness?

Claire: I'm not mad.

Geoffrey: Right.

Claire: And I never have been so I have to simulate it.

Geoffrey: Right.

Claire: I'm using sense memory. I'm remembering what it was like being stoned and I'm using that. I'm disoriented, my head is spinning - I think that's what it's probably like when you're insane.

Geoffrey: Right. Well. It's not. Trust me. That's what it's like when you're stoned.

Claire: Forgive me, I mean no disrespect. I don't have your experience with insanity.

Geoffrey: Right.

Claire: And this is hard anyway because I can't take any meaning from the text. Ophelia's just singing nonsense songs.

Geoffrey: Right. Claire. Claire. Claire with the hair. Ophelia is a child. She has been dominated by powerful men all of her life and suddenly they all disappear. Her brother goes to France, her father is murdered by her boyfriend, and he is shipped off to England. She is alone for the first time, grieving and heartbroken and guilty because, as far as she's concerned, it's all her fault. She ignored her brother's advice and fell in love with Hamlet and now her father is dead, all because of her, and the pain and the loss and the shame and the guilt - all of this is gnawing away inside this child's mind and it comes out as little songs. "And will he not come again? And will he not come again? No, no. He is dead. My father is dead and I killed him." Kay? Now let's try it again without the Vietnam flashback.



After this, the ghost of Oliver lets Ellen's chameleon out of its cage backstage, and it crawls on the stage, startling Claire who is acting her scene, and she falls off the stage, breaking her ankle. This means that Kate, the understudy, is going to go on. There's only a couple of days to opening. Geoffrey has been informed by Richard Smith-Jones, managing director, that there is no more money. Geoffrey decides, after having a dream of himself naked onstage, to have the cast do it in rehearsal clothes. On a bare stage. He walks into the theatre, the cast waits in the stalls. He pushes a clothing-rack in front of him

Geoffrey: "Lord, we know what we are but know not what we might be." Who said that? Ophelia. (he bows to Kate in the front row) Welcome Kate. All right, let's get started. Frank? Knock knock.

Frank: "Who's there?"

Geoffrey: Excellent. First line of the play. The world's longest knock-knock joke. Who's there, indeed? Who are these people? Who is Hamlet and Ophelia? The answer is - whoever is playing them. I want this production to be about us. Now, I am going to modify the design. You might say, throw it out. I want everyone to have a look through this rack of costume pieces and find something that you need. Don't worry about period. Shakespeare didn't care about anachronisms and neither should we. Just find something that says Prince or Daughter, or in Cyril's case - Queen. And Maria, I would very much like to move the rehearsal al fresco for today because it is a beautiful day today.

Ellen: No set?

Geoffrey: Nope. Some chairs maybe.

Ellen: Oh Jesus Christ, Geoffrey. No set? No Hamlet? It's going to be quite a show.

Geoffrey: Thanks, Ellen. Thanks for caring.

Rehearsal goes on. Jack and Ellen are rehearsing Act 3, scene 4. Things are obviously still not going well, Jack still improvising, Ellen not really acting at all. Geoffrey paces around them.

Jack [as Hamlet]: Nay, but you live in the rank sweat of an unseem'd bed, stewed in corruption, and you SCREW in that bed.

Ellen: Are you done? (Jack nods)
O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet Hamlet!

Oliver (whispering to Geoffrey): What is she doing? She's up to something.

Jack: Uncle Claudius is a murderer and a villain --

Oliver: She's testing you.

Geoffrey (to Oliver): STOP IT.

Ellen and Jack glance over at him.

Jack: You want us to stop?

Geoffrey: No. Ellen, you're not here, you're not in the room.

Ellen: Sorry.

Geoffrey: Polonius is dead, he's lying there on the floor, your son is accusing you of having murdered --

Ellen: I know the story.

Geoffrey: Okay, well, then please join us.

Ellen: Fine. O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet Hamlet!

Jack: Uncle Claudius is a murderer and a villain.

Oliver: Look at her. She's baiting you. You'd better deal with this situation, old boy before the situation festers.

Geoffrey: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?

Jack: I'm sorry, man.

Ellen: Are you in any condition to do this? Are you? Because your lunatic babblings are very distracting.

Geoffrey; Ellen, you are not participating in the process. It is very frustrating.

Ellen: I know. I know. I'm sorry.

Geoffrey: I cannot direct you if you refuse to act.

Ellen: How do I act in a play that doesn't exist?

Geoffrey: I believe the play has been around for about 400 years.

Ellen: Yes, but I can't SEE it. We have no set. And I can't hear it. I know the play well enough but I'm not hearing any of the text. I mean, what are we doing here, Geoffrey? Are we putting on Hamlet? Do we even HAVE a Hamlet? I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry. But we open in nine days for the love of God. And I am terrified. I mean, we all are. We are absolutely terrified.

Geoffrey: Ellen, when you start coming to rehearsals on time, and when you stop sending Maria out for cookie and coffee runs and when you stop interrupting scene work so you can run out for a quick fag, and when you start showing your fellow actors just the tiniest bit of respect, then I will be thrilled to listen to you, but until such time you will please resist the urge of speaking for the group. FUCK. Maria?

Maria: Five minutes everyone.

Geoffrey goes out into the lobby and has a confrontation with Richard Smith-Jones, who tells him that they have "cannibalized" the Previews for Hamlet in order to save money - so now Hamlet will open right after dress rehearsal, an unheard-of and terrifying situation. No previews? The heat is on. No more fucking around. Geoffrey re-enters the theatre. Ellen stands in the back, smoking. He comes up beside her.

Geoffrey: All right, let's see if he can do it.

Ellen: Please.

Geoffrey walks down the aisle, gearing up.

Geoffrey: Maria. (deep breath)

Maria: Are we back, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey: Jack? Three, one.

Maria: Act III, scene one, Claudius and Polonius -

Geoffrey: No. Just Jack. We're gonna run the soliloquy.

Jack: Okay.

The two men go up onstage together, and speak privately, with everyone watching.

Geoffrey: This one scares you, yeah?

Jack: Yeah, it scares the shit out of me.

Geoffrey: Why? You know it.

Jack: Of course I know it. Everybody knows it. That's the problem.

Geoffrey: Why?

Jack: Because when I say 'To be or not to be' the audience will be hearing every great actor who ever spoke those words. They'll hear Olivier, and Burton, or you -

Geoffrey: More likely Mel Gibson.

Jack: When I say those lines they won't be in the play anymore. They'll just be watching some guy acting.

Geoffrey: Yeah.

Jack: Me specifically.

Geoffrey: This is a problem?

Jack: Yeah, that's a fucking problem.

Geoffrey: Because you'd just be a guy acting ... and Hamlet isn't?

Jack: No. Well, he is kind of, in a way.

Geoffrey: So Hamlet is just acting - is that what you're saying?

Jack: Yeah, he acts like he's crazy - that 'antic disposition' - but then, no, not really -

Geoffrey: You have got to be specific. In this scene, Act 3 scene 1, does Hamlet know that Claudius and Polonius are spying on him?

Jack: I don't know.

Geoffrey: You have to know. If Hamlet is aware of their presence, then when you speak these particularly famous words, you are performing for the guy who killed your father and for a meddling fool - both of whom are hidden in this room. And if you don't know they're here, then your audience is you - and those people out in the seats. But you have to decide.

Jack: Now?

Geoffrey: Right now. Right now. You can keep the decision to yourself if you want to, but you have to decide. (calling out) Claudius and Polonius, please.

Jack: Jesus.

Geoffrey: Jack, listen to me. There are a lot of people here who don't think you can pull this thing off. I think they're wrong. But you have to do it - and you have to do it right now - and you have to do it with the text. So let's go. Do what you do. Act.

Geoffrey goes down and sits in the stalls. Jack sits in a chair. Nervous. He starts. Simply. Openly. He doesn't push or stutter. He speaks the words.

Jack:
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

He glances to his left and sees Kate, standing there, as Ophelia, in tears, looking up at him, proud.

Kate: (whispers) That was great.

The cast bursts into applause, and gather around him to shake his hand. He did it. At least once. Now they will have one dress rehearsal and then opening night. Before the dress rehearsal, Geoffrey comes out to make a speech.

Geoffrey. Hello everybody. Here we go. Well, we only have one dress rehearsal which is not great but it's okay because as the saying goes ... a bad dress means...

Cast: ... a good opening.

Geoffrey: Exactly. So we are protected. We are protected to a certain extent by a cliche. No, I'm sorry. This is actually going to be a nightmare. It is going to have that sickly sickly feeling of playing to an empty house except for a couple of ushers and maybe a sympathetic lizard. There's no avoiding it, so just find your light, say your lines -a nd if you can't find your light, shout your lines from the shadows. Get through it the best you can and we'll fix what needs fixing tomorrow. It is going to be frightening. Have a good show. Oh, you know, there is one encouraging thing that I can say ... I just happen to believe that this play is the single greatest achievement in western art. So we've got that going for us.



Backstage, everyone is freaking out, running around, in a panic. Jack has been throwing up for an hour in his dressing room. He comes out, and Richard Smith-Jones comes up to him. Jack looks like hell.

Richard. Just wanted to say have a good show.

Jack: Thanks, man.I'm pretty freaked right now to tell you the truth.

Richard: (in a soothing manner) I'm sure you are, Jack. I know that things have been kind of crazy, but I just wanted to say ... Don't worry. Nobody expects you to become a classical actor. You're a movie star, and that's the truth of it. Like Geoffrey said, youll sell us out no matter what. So just go out there and have fun.

Richard walks away, thinking he has just given Jack a huge GIFT. Jack looks devastated. After the dress, we see Jack come back to his dressing room, throw all his stuff into a bag and storm out. He leaves his script on the dressing room table. He walks out. Kate runs up to him, alight.

Kate: Hey, we got through it!

Jack blows right by her and storms out the door, shouting, "Mother FUCKER."

Kate runs after him, calling, "Jack???" But she lets him go. She's not sure what just happened.

The next morning, the day of their opening night, the cast gathers at the theatre, for notes and a partial run-through. We see everyone sitting around, waiting. Geoffrey paces. Kate looks panicked.

Geoffrey finally walks off the stage and out of the theatre.

Maria: Everyone is released. Fight call is at 7:30. Until then, relax. And stay by a phone. Please.

We learn that Jack didn't show up for the rehearsal, and nobody can reach him. Maria has been calling his phone all morning. They waited two hours, until they finally canceled rehearsal. Nobody knows where he is. Nobody knows about the little tete-a-tete he had with Richard Smith-Jones. He told no one. He just vanishes. Kate, with her sudden day off, sets out around town to try to find him. She goes to his place. No go. But she does see that he has packed up his room and his bags aren't there. He's gone. She wanders around, looking at all of their old haunts, for sign of him. No luck. Finally, she finds him under the tree where they spent their first night together (platonically). She stalks up to him. He sees her.

Jack: I don't want to talk about it.

Kate: Please?

Jack: Kate.

Kate: We had to cancel rehearsal!

Jack: So? It's all bullshit, Kate. You guys talk a good game but it's all bullshit in the end.

Kate: 'You guys'? What are you talking about?

Jack: I feel hurt, Kate. Genuinely hurt. I know I'm here to sell tickets but I don't need it thrown in my face.

Kate: Did someone say something to you? Claire?

Jack: Claire? Claire's a fucking angel.

Kate: Well then who?

Jack: It was Richard, Kate. He said it didn't matter what I did onstage, nobody expects anything of me. He told me that Geoffrey said the show would sell out no matter what. My fucking high-brow genius director.

Kate: Richard said that?

Jack: He said it last night right before I went onstage. I mean, what the hell is that? The New Burbage Theatre Festival, you know? I'd rather be in LA where the assholes tell you to your face that they're assholes.

Kate: Jack, that doesn't sound right.

Jack: No, it doesn't sound fucking right, does it? I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm getting pissed off again.

Kate: Are you going?

Jack: I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've gotten into three cabs today. I keep wanting to say Airport but I just end up going for a ride.

Kate: Are you staying because of me?

Jack: Kate, please, I can't deal with relationship shit on top of all of this.

Kate: Sorry.

Jack: Just walk with me, okay?

They walk through the park.

Jack: Man, I feel like my brain is gonna explode.

They sit on a bench, quietly, looking around them.

Jack: Everyone's gonna hate me for throwing a fit and running away.

Kate: No, no one's gonna hate you. It's just a screwed up process. So are you saying you want to do it?

Jack: Fuckin' right I want to do it. I wanted to do it yesterday.

Kate: Well, then that's the important part.

Jack: My head's all messed up. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I have to do it. I'm an actor and it's Hamlet. What am I gonna do, walk away? I'd feel like a loser my whole life.

Kate: So you're afraid to do it but you know you have to and if you don't you won't be able to live with yourself.

Jack: Yes!

Kate: Well ... I think you can use that onstage.

He looks at her. They kiss.

Soon, they head back to the theatre. It's opening night. No preview period. Insanity reigns backstage. The well-dressed crowd starts flocking in. Jack and Geoffrey sit in Jack's dressing room.

Jack: Why would Richard say that? Why would he go out of his way to fuck with my mind?

Geoffrey: I don't know. Why would a man kill his brother and marry his sister-in-law?

Jack: It's a fucked-up world.

Geoffrey: Yeah, it is. It is. Especially for actors. Actors are entirely dependent on other people for what they do. They need a writer, they need a director, they need someone to make their costumes, the sets, the props - they need a theatre - worst of all, they need other actors. That's a lot of people. That's not even including the audience. You bring all of those people into one place and the odds are that you are gonna get screwed by somebody. Usually by somebody wearing a tie.

Jack: I never looked at it that way.

Geoffrey: Well, you can't, can you. Otherwise, you'd go mad. Are you up to some notes? I don't want to overwhelm you or anything. It's just blocking. I want you to be seen.

Jack: Yeah. What the hell. Shoot.

As the notes session goes on, Jack starts to become more and more agitated. His nerves are overwhelming him.

Geoffrey: Oh yeah, you're drifting kind of to the right on Osric's entrance. So just try and keep stage left. If you're ever in doubt, just find your light.

Jack: Oh Jesus. I don't know what that means.

Geoffrey: What?

Jack: Find your light.

Geoffrey: I've said it to you, like, a dozen times.

Jack: Every time you say it, I never knew what you meant. I just nod my head when you say it.

Geoffrey: Wow. Okay. Light is hot. And when you're in your light, you can feel it on your face.

Jack: Look. My hands are shaking. I feel sick. FUCKING RICHARD, MAN. I can't do this! The play's too big! I can't wrap my head around it! I'm just a face, you know? Normally, I don't have to keep it up for more than 3/8ths of a page. Or it's just a glance, you know? And you do it 20 times until you get it perfect.

Geoffrey: Well, forget about perfection. There's nothing more boring than perfection. Imprecision, fear - this is what gets them to their feet.

Jack: Well, I should be brilliant then.

Geoffrey: And. It is not that big of a play.

Jack: Yeah, right.

Geoffrey: Come here. Sit down. Sit. Now look at me. I want you to think of it in terms of six soliloquies, okay? Count them off with me. 'O that this too too solid flesh'. 'O what a rogue and peasant slave am I.' 'To be or not to be.' 'Tis now the very witching hour' - that's a short one, that's only twelve lines. 'Now might I do it pat'. 'How all occasions do inform against me.' That's it. Six. And the rest, as they say, is silence.

Jack: I think there's some dialogue in between.

Geoffrey: Filler. Nail those six soliloquies, everyone goes home happy. Jack. Jack. You can do this. I'll be there.

Maria's voice over the intercom: This is your five minute call. Five minutes til the top of the show.

Jack gets up and vomits into the sink. Geoffrey nods in approval.

Geoffrey: I'll give you a moment alone.

It's the top of the show. Jack stands backstage, nervous as hell. Geoffrey comes up behind him.

Geoffrey: Six soliloquies.

The show begins. Jack paces backstage. Geoffrey talks to him.

Geoffrey: First one's gonna be easy. You are just so sick of the world and all the people in it. You just wish you could melt. Stay up left of Laertes on your entrance.

Jack: I'm gonna throw up.

Geoffrey: Use it.

Jack walks onstage.

The scene is going on. We get shots of the actors (Frank, Cyril, Kate) watching on the monitor backstage.

Claudius: But the great cannon to the clouds shall tell,
And the king's rouse the heavens all bruit again,
Re-speaking earthly thunder. Come away.

Cyril (looking up at the monitor): Here we go. Moment of truth.

Jack: O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

We see Geoffrey backstage, count off on his fingers: One.

The show goes on. Jack crosses backstage, Geoffrey walks with him, talking.

Geoffrey: You are disgusted with yourself. You are a coward. You are not man, you are weak and passionless. A failure.

Jack walks onstage.

Jack: O what a rogue and peasant slave am I ...

Geoffrey walks with Jack backstage again to stage left, talking to him.

Geoffrey: On some level you long for this to be over. You long for rest, mental, spiritual rest ...

Jack: I know this one.

Jack onstage, sitting in a chair.

Jack onstage:
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to ...

The show goes on. We see other scenes. We see Richard Smith-Jones backstage, welling up with tears as he watches. We see the audience, rapt, really listening, really taking it in, laughing, pausing, listening. Now, Jack, onstage, with Soliloquy # 4. Geoffrey crouches backstage, mouthing along the words.

Jack:
'Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on.

Geoffrey glances up and sees Ellen looking at him. He holds up four fingers, and she holds up two in return.

Jack's voice onstage:
Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven.
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
He took my father grossly, full of bread;
With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;
And how his audit stands who knows save heaven?


As he speaks, we see all his fellow cast members backstage, looking out at him, enraptured, cheering him on silently. Nahim, the janitor, stands beside Kate, watching, too. His face is aglow.

Nahim: Ah. Fate plays with our prince.

Kate: What?

Nahim: He cannot kill the King while he prays.

Kate looks up at him with a huge smile on her face. Beautiful moment.

Then - Jack onstage:

Jack: How all occasions do inform against me,
And spur my dull revenge! What is a man,
If his chief good and market of his time
Be but to sleep and feed?

We see Geoffrey watching from backstage. Oliver is standing beside him.

Oliver: It's Number Six.

Geoffrey: He's in the homestretch.

Oliver reminds Geoffrey that Geoffrey had promised to use Oliver's actual SKULL in the famous scene in Hamlet - so Geoffrey has to dash off to his office where he keeps Oliver's skull on his desk. He races back down, races underneath the stage, and places the skull under the trap door. Just in time. Jack reaches down and pulls it out.

We see Jack as Hamlet die.

Jack:
O, I die, Horatio;
The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit:
I cannot live to hear the news from England;
But I do prophesy the election lights
On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited. The rest is silence.

As Jack's head falls, it is away from the audience, and we can see him lying there, eyes open, with this huge beautiful smile on his face.

The audience goes nuts. Jack comes backstage, Geoffrey hugs him, and then pushes him back onstage to take an encore. Richard, tears on his face, comes up to Geoffrey, beside himself.

Richard: I don't know what to say. That was incredible. You know, I saw Chorus Line when I was 16 years old--

Geoffrey: The critics are gonna slaughter us.

Richard: How can they?

Geoffrey: Because Jack is an American movie actor. That's all they're gonna write about, right?

Richard: They can't ignore what happened on this stage tonight.

Geoffrey: What did happen? Exactly?

Richard: I don't know. This is all new to me.

Geoffrey: Well, please. Join us again. We do eight shows a week, matinees on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

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November 13, 2009

Big news

I'm still not used to having, you know, an entertainment center. I'm slow to understand my own life at times. But today I realized: Orphan Train, the TV movie, the movie I was so obsessed with as a child that I wrote it out as a novel - is on VHS. Yes, you have to buy it used - there is no such thing as a new copy of Orphan Train - but it can be done. I bought a copy yesterday and should receive it by Monday. I haven't seen it since I wrote my damn novel, at age 11. I'm almost nervous.

Oh, and Linda Manz - who I just wrote about in my post about Days of Heaven, plays one of the orphans: Sarah, the girl trapped in the house of ill repute before the "orphan train" and Jill Eikenberry chugs her off to prosperity.

I literally cannot WAIT to see this damn movie again.

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October 29, 2009

Slings & Arrows

Slings & Arrows was a Canadian television series, lasting three seasons, and it was about the inner workings of a giant Shakespeare festival theatre (based on the Stratford Festival, obviously, in Canada). My friend Kate sent me the first season last year, and within five minutes of watching I was so hooked that it made me actually NERVOUS because I couldn't see the whole thing IMMEDIATELY. I didn't even finish the first episode before I bought the next two seasons online, and had them sent to me Priority Overnight Mail. Even though there was no way I could watch the entire first season by the next day - it didn't matter: life is a precarious fragile thing, and you never know what will happen. Today is all that matters. Now granted, the series obviously has a special appeal to actors and directors, anyone who works in the theatre. It so gets the entire atmosphere, the conflict, the panic, the absolutely ridiculous situations, the hard work, the egos, the thrill of an opening night ... and the eternal clash of commerce and art. Because the New Burbage Festival (the fictional theatre in the series) is an enormous internationally known organization, the commerce side of things must be given its due. But must it? Slings & Arrows dares to not just ask those questions, but weigh them, play with them, laugh at them, even though civilians (ie: people outside the theatre) are often annoyed by such things, and sneer at artists who dare to take themselves and their careers seriously. One of the greatest "lessons" captured by this series is that expectations of any specific result is art's undoing entirely. Reminds me of Ellen Burstyn's four instructions for acting:
1. Show up
2. Pay attention
3. Tell the truth
4. Don't be attached to the outcome
Ay, there's the rub. And how do you not be attached to the outcome when you have a Board of Directors, an American movie star flying in to Canada to play Hamlet, an enormous budget, internships, and corporate sponsorship? What happens then?

The character of Geoffrey Tenant (played by the gorgeous on-the-verge-of-blurpy hunk Paul Gross) is the one who really straddles this divide.

If I'm making this sound ponderous or serious, I am totally doing a disservice to the thing. It is laugh-out-loud funny. And antic. And yet totally serious all at the same time. Just like the theatre. It may seem nuts to someone who isn't in the theatre, that people would literally be screaming at each other about the nuances of iambic pentameter, or throwing a fit because the director has placed her with her back to the audience during her biggest moment - but when you're in the thick of it, it's not nuts at all. Or - it IS, and it is ALSO serious. Slings & Arrows gets this like nobody's business. Art is big business at the New Burbage Festival, and yet when you get right down to it: if the work itself isn't good, then the New Burbage Festival wouldn't be what it is. So the work must be paramount. And yet ... will anyone pay big money to go see a post-modern rendering of Romeo and Juliet? Or a Brecht play? What about the subscriber base? Should they do a musical, just to satisfy the commercial concerns?

The New Burbage Festival has a core company of actors, it is an ensemble, these people have been working together for years. They know each other's quirks, they are annoyed by each other, yet they back each other up when it's curtain time. It's like a family. A cantankerous eccentric family. They all go way way back. Everyone holds grudges for YEARS. Nobody is particularly likable, and yet they are all totally lovable. I love these people. I love them so much.

MINOR SPOILER HERE:


Oliver Welles is the long-suffering artistic director who SPOLER dies in the first episode. And yet he pops up throughout the rest of the series, a wandering ghost in the theatre, with unfinished business - professionally (he has always been haunted by Macbeth, obsessed by it for decades, and yet had never done a production of it that really satisfied him) and personally (the ruptured relationship he has with the lead actress of the company and Geoffrey Tenant, who had once been the star actor of the company).


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Oliver Welles is played by the marvelously sour Stephen Ouimette, a man who had once been at the forefront of the exciting theatre movement in Canada, doing groundbreaking productions of Shakespeare that people still talk about 10, 12 years later. He is now depressed, skating on his reputation, phoning it in, directing a production of Midsummer Night's Dream in an almost somnambulist state of crankiness and apathy. In one of the first scenes in the first episode, they're having a tech rehearsal, and you can tell that this is a very over-produced show, that the play itself is lost in the special effects. A platform is rolled onstage with fake sheep on it for one of the pastoral scenes. Oliver turns and shouts up at the lighting booth where the stage manager (a terrifically funny performance by Catherine Fitch) is suffering through her light cues - and says, "MARIA. Where are the bleats?" (Meaning: sound cue of bleating of the sheep). Maria says back, confused, "Oh, so you DO want the bleats?" Oliver, completely annoyed, shouts back, "Of COURSE I want the bleats. Without the bleats, there's no IRONY, Maria. Everybody knows that." And put a fork in Sheila, I'm done. I was hooked from that moment forward. Only in that context would any of it make sense, and even then, it's totally ridiculous. The bleating sheep add IRONY? What??

One of the best parts of the series is that the backstage relationships are totally engrossing, yes. We get clashes between director and actors, stage manager and actors, the business manager and the artistic director ... but we ALSO get a nice detailed look at rehearsal processes, and we also see a seriousness about the work itself that, when all is said and done, is what it's all about.

Each season (and there are three) span the rehearsal process of one particular show. The first season is Hamlet, the second season is Macbeth and the final season is King Lear. So we get to see the process from start to finish. Is the actor cast as Macbeth really right for the part? What the hell are they going to do about the AWFUL actress cast as Ophelia? And etc. It's just a joy, and I would say to any teacher at a high school level, trying to teach any of these plays, popping in Slings and Arrows to show the kids some of these rehearsal scenes would be invaluable. Not only is it amazing to watch how the series really lets the thing unfold, we get to see performances of Hamlet, or Macbeth, actually EMERGE - wonderful! - but it's also a damn fine lesson in script analysis. It makes you think about the Bard. It makes you think about him twice. I know Shakespeare pretty well, but Slings & Arrows, like any good piece of art, made me realize how much I DIDN'T know.

Beautiful stuff.

Not to mention the acting of the leads.

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Martha Burns (Paul Gross' wife in real life, lucky lady) plays Ellen, the lead actress at the New Burbage Festival, a bit of a diva, difficult, prickly, yet a fantastic actress with a huge fanbase. She's a leading lady. She's been there for years. When we first meet her, she is pushing 40, and rather unpleasant about it. She takes young lovers. As in barely-legal lovers, bartenders and delivery boys. (One of the snotty members of the ensemble whispers to his colleague, "She's trying to screw the years off.") She is ambitious, and yet also - you get the sense that maybe she's gotten a bit too comfortable in her position at New Burbage. She's used to the way things are normally done. She's a control freak. She doesn't like to not know what she's doing. Events begin to unfold where she loses control, and it actually turns out to be a great thing for her development as an actress (and that's what it's all about for artists, never forget that) - but she resists it all the way. She is a great character. Unpleasant, unfriendly, yet professional, serious about her work, and has a damn right to her spot on that stage. We can see the proof in her performances, when we get glimpses of them throughout the series.

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Paul Gross plays Geoffrey Tenant, who, when the series first opens, is seen opening a new theatre in an abandoned garage in a seedy side of town. It takes a while to get the full scope of the story (and Slings & Arrows takes its time. We don't realize what the real rupture was until the last episode of the first season.) but apparently, once upon a time, many years ago, Geoffrey Tenant was the hot new star at the New Burbage Festival, dear friends with Oliver Welles, and boyfriend to Ellen, the lead actress. But then, something happened to him during a performance of Hamlet (he was playing Hamlet, Ellen playing Ophelia), he went blank, and couldn't go on with the play. He jumped into Ophelia's open grave onstage and refused to come out. He was finally carted off to a mental institution, where he spent some time, and since then, he has disappeared. He has no contact anymore with Oliver, or with Ellen. You get the sense from these early scenes with him at his new theatre, that he is a true visionary, and also rather insane. He is passionate about Shakespeare, and disgusted with how commercial New Burbage has become. He wants to provide an alternative. Something real, not so slick. But, through a series of unfortunate events, Geoffrey is drawn back to New Burbage (actually dragged back), where he finds himself offered the position of Interim Artistic Director. He immediately starts stirring shit up, he doesn't play the corporate game, he has total contempt for everyone there - and although the Board of Directors is frustrated, the actors are jazzed. Conflict arises. Not to mention the bitterness that remains between him and Ellen. It's great rich stuff. Paul Gross plays Geoffrey as an annoying often very funny big KID. He has no impulse control. He says whatever he wants. He's out of control, and holding onto sanity with his pinky finger. But in the rehearsal room, when he's working with the actors, and with Shakespeare, he shines. He knows who he is there. Marvelous performance.

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Mark McKinney (one of the creators of the series) plays Richard Smith-Jones, the executive director of the New Burbage Festival. The money guy. First of all, can we please just take a moment to appreciate the ridiculous humor of his hyphenated last name. Smith Jones?? McKinney is such a fine actor, this is a truly comedic and wonderful performance. I could see William H. Macy in this part. It requires that level of depth and commitment, that fearlessness when it comes to looking ridiculous, and also the ability to make the audience's heart break for you, even though you are playing a despicable (in many ways) guy. He doesn't understand actors or artists, he is concerned with the bottom line, he is intimidated by Geoffrey Tenant, and yet he MUST deal with him and get him under control, if the season is going to move forward. McKinney is the perfect blend of serious corncob-up-the-ass tightwad, and also goofy dude who is always in panic-mode. He's brilliant. Not to mention the fact that this whole thing came partly from his brain.

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The marvelous Susan Coyne, one of the leading ladies of Canada, (as well as one of the creators of Slings and Arrows), plays Anna, the by-the-book on-top-of-EVERYTHING administrative director of the festival. She manages EVERYONE. She runs around, in a tightly controlled run, wearing bright little suits, she loves the actors, she has total sympathy for them even though she doesn't understand what the hell they are doing in their "process", and her whole life is keeping New Burbage running smoothly. She's got a tough job. She is one of the only people in this entire world who seems to have no ego. She's not a wuss, she's a tough cookie, but she isn't driven by selfish reasons. She runs around like a chicken with her head cut off, dealing with press releases, and sending car services to pick up the movie star flying in to play Hamlet, and keeping everyone happy, making sure everyone feels their concerns are heard. Susan Coyne is a fantastic actress and Anna, who could have been a humorless finger-wagger, is anything but that. She's all heart. She also has moments that are as funny as anything that happens in the entire damn series. I love her.

Each season has different guest stars, since the New Burbage Theatre Festival, along with its core ensemble, hires out.

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In the first season, the luminous Rachel McAdams (I would swear that this girl blushes on cue, like Duse did), gives one of her nicest performances, as Kate, an apprentice at the theatre. Being an apprentice at a theatre like this means you are paid diddly-squat, you understudy lead roles (but you'll never get to play them), and you play third maid to the left. You probably are also involved in the theatre's outreach programs (all such theatres have them: teaching acting workshops at schools, or whatever). You get Equity points, and you have the possibility of, you know, working there again. If you're lucky. Kate saw the New Burbage production of Hamlet (starring Geoffrey Tenant, before he went batshit crazy) when she was 12 and it changed her life. She knew she had to work there someday. She plays a fairy in Midsummer Night's Dream, and then she is the understudy for Ophelia (who is a terrible, hopeless actress). But Kate is a team-player, just so excited to be there, she isn't a climber, she really submits to the process. This is the biggest moment of her life. McAdams is marvelous here. She's playing your basic ingenue, but she manages to infuse Kate with some real pain, some anxiety and insecurity, and yet when the time comes for her to "show up" on stage, she can do it. You get the sense that this young actress will go far.

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Thrown into this mix is a big-wig action star in Hollywood, who is coming to "play Hamlet", even though he has no stage experience, and zero Shakespeare experience. He is a hot young actor in Hollywood and he thinks that "playing Hamlet" would give him some legitimacy "in the States". Or, no, the way he puts it is: "My agent thinks it will give me some legitimacy in the States." You can imagine how this might go over with the ensemble members at the New Burbage, who have devoted their lives to the place ... it's not a waystation for them, or a stepping-stone, it is their LIVES. Jack Crew is his name. Of course it is. He strolls into the rehearsal process, ready to learn and do a good job, of course, but you can feel the low expectations of him. Luke Kirby plays this role, and this kid is terrific. I actually think that the role of Jack Crew is the most challenging in the first season, because if he just comes off as a dick, none of it would work. He has to have the ability to show his insecurity, and then underneath that, his sheer TERROR at having to stand up on a STAGE and say "To be or not to be". But he's a movie star. He has 10 projects in the pipeline. He has that glow around him, of success. But he's not a dick. He becomes the person you are rooting for the most in this thing. Rehearsals go by, and he avoids doing "the text", he improvises around the text, telling people "it's a Method thing. The words have to be my own before I can own them." There is some validity to this process, but eventually, at the end of the day, you have to say the words Shakespeare wrote. Will Jack be able to make that leap of faith? It's thrilling to watch his struggle. Again, he has the trappings of stardom. The sunglasses, the hoodie, the leather bracelet, the stack of movie scripts on his dresser ... But that doesn't necessarily mean he is a soulless dick. A lesser show, a show with more of a CHIP on its shoulder, would have made Jack suffer more, to show him that what they were doing was REAL art and he was just a sellout, not a real actor. But Slings & Arrows isn't interested in making that kind of judgment. Even though he does big action movies with almost no dialogue, he is in the same damn field that they are. THEY may resent him, because there are obviously many brilliant young classically trained actors who WON'T be playing Hamlet, because HE will be ... but that's the biz. They all understand that. Having Jack Crew play the part will also pack in the audience. BUT. BUT. What about JACK'S experience of this whole thing? What is HE going through? Slings & Arrows really delves into that with him, and it's one of the most moving parts of the entire first season. It doesn't PRETEND to reconcile art and commerce. They are not to be reconciled, because both exist, regardless of the other. Jack is rich and a star. But when he's up on that stage, with no camera on him, no cut-aways, no close-ups, he must rely on something that is inside him, that was probably there in the beginning: the desire to play make-believe. He needs to call upon something ELSE. And that will ALWAYS be the case. I just love that the creators of Slings & Arrows took him seriously (even though there are many ridiculous and funny scenes of him "improvising" Shakespeare scenes, as all of the other actors glance at each other in a worried manner, like: "Uhm ... was that my cue? Because I can't tell ..."), and let HIM have a growth-spurt too.

Good work.

I'll be writing more about Slings & Arrows, but this is the opening salvo. If you HAVEN'T seen it, then all I can say is: do yourself a favor. You will not be sorry.


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August 31, 2009

"I am not a plonker."

Brilliant. Tragic.


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May 5, 2009

Kickin' it old-school with Jimmy Fallon and Neil Patrick Harris

Back in the day, guests would come on to Johnny Carson and yeah, sometimes they would "plug" their latest project, but those were always the most boring segments. The best guests were the ones who knew how to banter, to keep the conversation rolling, who made Johnny laugh. Not the careerists - but the people who knew how to tell a story. If you are familiar with this clip of Mel Brooks talking about his first meetings with Cary Grant - that's what I'm talking about. BRILLIANT. Johnny Carson doesn't say one word. And it takes a long time to get to the punch line. The story itself is funny and detailed - you know, this is how people who know how to tell stories talk ... but the punch line ("Tell him I'M NOT IN") comes way at the end, and the payoff is enormous because Mel Brooks has done his job, as an anecdotalist, leading up to that point. The laughter is a thunderclap.

Now this is old-school Borscht Belt humor - these are the guys who basically created much of what America thinks is funny - they were GODS ... so Johnny having them on (and others like them) ... was always a delight, because you weren't going to hear polite back-and-forth about a starlet's first movie that was opening that weekend. You were going to hear some tall tales. You were going to see someone who knows how to, you know, TALK.

Anyway, the clip below is of Neil Patrick Harris on the Jimmy Fallon Show, doing a magic trick.

First of all - both men couldn't be more charming to me in this clip. They are doing a bit together. It's improvised - but watch how they keep that ball in the air.

Second of all - I am sure Neil Patrick Harris has projects to "plug", and things in his career to talk about.

But he spends his time on that show doing a magic trick - and watch how it unfolds, and develops. And wait for the payoff - which is HUGE.

These are men of my generation and the generation directly behind mine.

But it's nice to see that old-school talk-show style alive and well with the two of them.

And "charming" sometimes now has the connotation of something coy, or precious, or hoity-toity. But I found this clip "charming" in the TRUE meaning of the word. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time I watched it, and I wanted it to go on forever.



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May 4, 2009

Dear poster that I now see everywhere:

Please don't ask such a question unless you expect an honest answer.


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The answer is Hell yes.


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March 9, 2009

"From the Earth to the Moon": HBO mini-series

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In 1998, HBO launched its massive Tom Hanks creation, From the Earth to the Moon, a 12-part miniseries detailing the entire space program in America, from its early days to the last moon-landing. The mini-series was highly decorated at the time, and it is not hard to see why. A massively ambitious project, it examines all the different aspects of the program - from the astronauts, to the "world outside", to the pressures from NASA, to the engineers who had to build these spacecraft, to the wives - and it does so, blessedly, with very little schmaltz. This is potentially tough material. It seems like a no-brainer, but the traps are everywhere. It could have been far too golden-hued or kitschy, or it could have left out the more petty parts (the clash of astronaut egos, the political pressures and ramifications, the very human emotions of greed and ambition) in favor of a more promotional flag-waving endeavor. It brings up (at least in this American viewer) a sense of national pride ("Look at what our guys did!), which should be just treated as a given, and not worked for, because otherwise the entire thing becomes a propaganda exercise. From the Earth to the Moon does not fall into that trap. It knows it has a great story - not just in the space program as a whole, but each different mission - and its challenges, its triumphs, its stop-gap solutions. By the end, you really get the sense of just how ambitious (and crazy) this project really was. The mini-series is smart to focus on the details of the space program, and let the emotions come as they will - not work for them.

It's telling that my favorite episode of the 12 is the one called Spider, which details the journey of Grumman Aircraft's building of the Lunar Module, which took eight years, and much improvisation. It is a slam-dunk of an episode, and mainly involves guys in glasses and white shirts and ties hovering over small nuts and bolts, and staring at their little space-craft models with serious eyes. But by the end of the episode, when that Lunar Module is being taken off to actually, you know, be USED, to land on the moon ... and the wonderful Matt Craven, who plays the head engineer, watches it go off, you really get the impact, the hours of manpower and the hundreds (thousands) of men involved in making such an accomplishment possible. It is truly moving. And the emotion is earned, not assumed. The astronauts, naturally, got all the glory. Perhaps with the doomed Apollo 13 mission, the engineers and Mission Control guys took center stage - it was them who figured out how to get those boys home ... but I very much liked that From the Earth to the Moon focused one of its episodes on the true NERDS of the space program, the guys who struggled and suffered and brainstormed, over a number of years, to make this thing happen. They were building something that had no precedent. There was nothing to work from. Nothing to look to as a model. Every step of the way had to be thought out, tested.

Unforeseen consequences of tiny choices had enormous impact. The velcro, for example, used throughout the command module, to stick pens to, to stick their feet onto ... a practical solution to the floating void of space the astronauts would have to be working in. The velcro was a practical solution, which - during the Apollo 1 fire, which ended the three astronauts' lives - ended up having dire consequences, due to its flammability under a higher oxygen level. But there were so many things like that that could not be avoided, no matter the brainpower focusing on each problem ... and the mini-series does not shy away from that reality. These guys were test pilots. They were used to taking their lives into their hands. They knew the risks. But it still didn't mean that they were cavalier when men were lost. It is a difficult and complex thought, and From the Earth to the Moon is tangible with that reality.

The series is filled with great acting, and one of the best aspects of it (and it is that way by design) is that it is not a star vehicle. We don't follow one man through the program. People come in and out. There are a couple of regulars. Nick Searcy (what a face, what a wonderful actor) plays Deke Slayton, an astronaut not allowed to fly due to a heart problem. That must have been a bitter pill for him to swallow, but he took his expertise and know-how to become the over-seer for each mission, handling the flight commands. He appears in nearly every episode. Then there are astronauts who start to grow in importance, as their mission comes nearer - Tony Goldwyn (who is marvelous) plays Neil Armstrong, and we see him briefly at the beginning, in the first episode, and he then subsides ... until it is his turn. Other actors (Tim Daly, Dave Foley, Cary Elwes, Mark Harmon) play other astronauts, who have their moment in the sun. All of them, naturally, want to be the first guy out. These are competitive gentlemen, and the mini-series really captures that Right Stuff "yeah, baby" relationship between all these guys. But we also have Lane Smith, in a fictional character, based on Walter Cronkite, who details the space program for us, over a number of episodes, interviewing the astronauts, and giving us essential details of how the whole thing works. He's wonderful. There are people (like Kevin Pollak and the marvelous James Rebhorn - he's my kind of actor) who take center stage for one episode alone, and then disappear. Stephen Root, another actor whom you would instantly recognize and exclaim, "Oh, it's that guy!", is fantastic here in a number of episodes. God, is he fun to watch. He gets the humor, the toughness, the steely-eyed focus ... Wonderful. But the list goes on and on. Ann Magnuson has a small cameo as the sweet nurse who works with the astronauts before each mission, and there's one shot of her, in her office, during a launch, clutching a rosary, eyes closed, lips moving in prayer. Every time we have seen her up to that point, she is taking blood from an astronaut's arm, or bantering with them - every time we have seen her she has been in her official position. But the mini-series takes the time and has the imagination to show her, by herself, praying for those guys she has come to know. It's a lovely touch, but the mini-series is full of subtle moments like that. It flat out would not work without them. Something like this, so grand in scope, so huge in ambition, needs - and needs desperately - to be grounded in reality and detail. From the Earth to the Moon is.

Ron Howard and Brian Glazer were producers on the project, and, in a really nice dovetail, have gotten as many of the actors from Apollo 13 as they possibly could. Not to play the same parts - but it's nice to see that those who played astronauts in Apollo 13 play astronauts here as well. Ron Howard's brother, so memorable in Apollo 13, plays another Mission Control guy. Some of the Mission Control guys in Apollo 13, who are also astronauts looking forward to their own missions (I love the one guy who says, "When I go up there, I'm bringin' my entire collection of Johnny Cash") - play astronauts in From the Earth to the Moon. Familiar faces. If you're an Apollo 13 nut like I am, you will recognize everyone. "Oh! That's the guy who helped build the filter!" It's down to that level of detail. And so it creates a real feeling of community and continuity. Even though these people are actors, because they have already inhabited that world so accurately in Apollo 13 - they bring with them the memories of that film, helping add to the sense of authenticity in From the Earth to the Moon. Nice choice.

Each mission has its own character and challenges. Tom Hanks, a space nut since he was a little kid, says in one of the DVD extras, that while we all know the name of Neil Armstrong - how many people are aware of just what went on during the mission known as Gemini 8? But there would be no Neil Armstrong on the moon if it hadn't been for the steps taken in Gemini 8 (and all the others) ... and by watching each mission unfold, you really get the sense of the teamwork and ingenuity involved. It was a nearly impossible task. Not to mention the fact that all eyes were on NASA. The gauntlet had been thrown down: "by the end of the decade" ... so the deadlines are unreasonable, the media-spotlight intense ... not to mention the fact that there were other national things to worry about at the time, like assassinations and war and civil unrest. Did we really care about getting to the moon when things were so bad on earth? Because this is a mini-series, it doesn't have the problem of focusing on just one of these things, which would make it all rather top-heavy and ponderous. There is one episode called "1968", which focuses on the events of that terrible year (not just in America, but around the world), and the sort of otherworldly old-school atmosphere of NASA, still moving along, still moving ahead ... but with attention being pulled off their objective. The mini-series format helps us glance upon these important things, but not dwell ... not stay there ... factor it into the mix, and move on.

The overall effect is that of a collage.

I watched it when it first came out. It felt like the entire country watched it. It was, that rarity nowadays, a television event.

I am now, naturally, watching it again, on my own time ... mainly because Ben Marley, who played astronaut John Young in Apollo 13, is here again, playing Roger Chaffee, one of the astronauts who died in the fire on the launch-pad in Apollo 1. And so my motives are not pure (or ARE pure, however you look at it) ... but it's been a lot of fun to watch the entire thing again, over the last two weeks. It's a mind-boggling accomplishment, as a whole. And I haven't even mentioned the stellar special effects, an undertaking deserving of its own documentary in and of itself. In the DVD extras, there is a "featurette", detailing the creation of all of the images, and it was fascinating. One of the things I really liked about it was that it had a mix of digital effects and actual footage. For example, one of the biggest sets was ever built - a replica of the moon surface - which was almost two acres large. The shots of the crew, walking around on the moon, placing big plaster-of-paris rocks, and basically shoveling moon-dust around, wearing plaid shorts and sweatshirts and tool belts, is hilarious - a beautiful incongruous moment of movie-making. How to make the effect of sunlight and shadow on the moon? We learn about that in the documentary. How to make the astronauts appear weightless? We learn how they did that, too. A giant undertaking, and I thought the special effects here were superb.

There are other actors I haven't even mentioned, ones that I would love to write more about. David Andrews, who plays Frank Borman, he of the ice-blue eyes, bushy eyebrows, and basic awesomeness, is one of my favorite characters in the entire mini-series. He is a fantastic actor, never less than riveting, three-dimensional, powerful ... But he is just one of many.


I will, obviously, be writing more about this, but I wanted to just give my overall thoughts this morning.





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March 7, 2009

"Square Pegs" - 'It's Academical' (or: the heartbreaking return of Larry Simpson, aka Ben Marley)

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Here's part one!

PART TWO

We left off with our quiz-show team chosen three: Muffy, Larry Simpson, and Patty, and we can already see there are going to be competitive issues between Muffy and Patty for Larry's love and adoration.

It is already apparent that Larry is drawn to Patty, but it is also apparent that she becomes a blithering idiot in his presence ("girlf"), and may not be up to the task of competing for him. But you also know that Larry is a little bit afraid of Muffy (aren't we all), and Muffy is really no competition at all.

Who knows how it will work out!

Let's take a look!

Muffy, Larry and Patty sit squeezed together in a booth at the local hamburger joint. Lauren sits at the counter nearby, basically coaching Lauren through what to say, through vigorous hand gestures and pantomime. Larry busts Lauren on this a couple of times, glancing over and seeing her wild gesticulations, and he starts to crack up, before getting himself together. It's endearing.


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Look at how they're all squeezed in there - obviously so they can all be in the same shot in close-up but I want to say, "Guys ... learn boundaries - no need to sit ON TOP of each other. Unless of course, you want to ... Just don't do it in an open grave, mkay?"

Naturally, Muffy is dominating here. She is turning all of her focus onto Larry, and she talks as though she is in a Barbara Cartland novel.

"We are from two totally different walks of life, Larry!" she exclaims passionately.

Larry says, trying to keep everything in a more practical vein, "But we're both high school students."

Muffy barrels on, sighing, "C'est la truth."

Poor Patty.


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Poor Patty, how 'bout poor Larry! Larry squirms through all of this, but still - he has that tragically attractive quality of still trying to be nice, even though all he wants to do is say, "Muffy. Back off, lady."

He tries to divert the conversation to more of a group event. "How was your burger, Patty?" he asks.


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Patty doesn't know what to say to that, because ... she doesn't have one thought in her brain in that minute, and has no idea how to conduct herself. She glances over at Lauren desperately, who mimes to her that she should say, "It was THE BEST burger I have EVER tasted." hahahaha Guys like girls who are enthusiastic, apparently. So Patty, desperately, does what Lauren tells her to do, and gushes, "It was THE BEST burger I have EVER tasted."

Larry is kind of taken aback by the overly passionate response. He's like, "Uhm ... wow ... I'm really happy for you ..." Then he glances at Lauren, sees the tailend of her giant pantomime, and then gets what's going on. He starts to laugh, trying to hide it. It's kind of unbearably sweet and I don't care who knows my feelings on that score.


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I know I keep saying this, but look at Muffy in that last shot! It just cracks me up. She is so annoyed at the interruption and that she does not have Larry's undivided attention.

Muffy blows right over Patty's gushing over her hamburger and continues on her romantic pursuit, leaning in over Patty, and insisting, in a breathless voice, that working together - with their two giant brains - will be the greatest love story of all time. Larry is caught, trapped. All he wants to do is get the hell out of there.

Muffy has one of the funniest lines in the episode here. She confesses, emotionally, "Larry, you bring out a level of pep in me I never knew I had."


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Finally, he extricates himself from Muffy's clutches, but not before she reaches out to wipe the corner of his damn mouth with her napkin. He basically ENDURES that, but he's twitching away from her at that point. He picks up the check and says, "I have to go - let me get this - " Muffy can't have this, she reaches out and snatches it from his hand, saying, "Heavens no - this will be a Pep Club expense ..." All generous and benevolent ... and he's visibly uncomfortable now, picking up his books - "Okay, okay," he says, getting up - "I'll see you guys later" and basically rushes off, free at last.

Muffy watches him go, desperately. Doesn't look at Patty but hands her the check, still staring off after Larry, saying, "Patty, I seem to be short on cash ... could you get this, please?" and she rushes off after him shrieking, "LARRY???!" Again with the comedic slam-dunk of Jami Gertz.

The second Muffy is gone, Lauren races over into the void, to commiserate with her friend about how things are going. Lauren gets an idea. "You can't be too smart, Patty. Boys don't like girls who are smart." Patty is baffled, "They don't?" Lauren then launches into a giant monologue about why this is so, and how there is historical precedent to prove her point. "Did you see A Star is Born on TV last night?" she says. "James Mason plays a movie star, but when his wife gets more successful then him, he becomes an alcoholic wreck."


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Patty is a lamb lost in the woods, she obviously can't handle interactions with Larry on her own steam ("girlf"), so you can tell she is considering Lauren's advice.

And you just know that this will not go well.

But very few things DO go well when you are 14 and in love with a hot senior. With "vigorous chest hair" and forearms that make you want to kill yourself if you're not allowed to touch them on your own terms and for as long as you want, PRONTO.

Next scene shows a study session with Larry, Muffy and Patty in the library. Muffy has taken the reins of the entire thing. She has somehow gotten transcripts of all of the quiz shows in the past - "It is said," she declares, as though she is talking about some Egyptian creation myth, "that they don't repeat questions ... but they may be lying." She has written flash cards with all the questions on it, and she ostentatiously passes out copies to Larry and Patty. Larry, meanwhile, is treating this all kind of humorously, because there's really no polite way to fight Muffy's bossiness ... and Patty sits sweltering in silence, waiting for her big moment to "act dumb".


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Please notice how Lauren is hunched in the background of the second shot. That makes me laugh!

Larry does his best to assert his own power here, and says, holding the flash cards, "Okay - why don't we try some American History questions?"

He looks at the flash card and reads, "List the five presidents, in order, after Hoover."


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He ponders this as Patty tries to look stupid, even though she probably can figure out the answer. Patty hems and haws, saying, "God ... I feel so DUMB ... I should know this ... why don' I know this?? I'm so STUPID!"

Larry starts to give her weird looks. Huh? What the hell is going on?

Patty makes a wild guess at the answer, "Didn't some of them have beards?"

Larry is basically surrounded at the moment with women who are flat-out lunatics. He has nowhere to turn now.


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Muffy barges into the void, exclaiming: "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO."

Oh, Muffy. Please stop being so crazy.

Larry and Patty are stunned into silence by her gibberish. Larry says, "What?" Muffy explains, proudly, "Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson! Rough Tots Eat Cool Jello!" I mean, how do you respond when someone acts so crazy?

Patty forgets that she's supposed to be acting dumb, and says, bitchily, "Kennedy doesn't start with 'C'."

Muffy loses it. "Are you trying to imply something about my intelligence?"

Patty snaps, "That's infer."

Uh-oh. Patty is showing she's smart. She then crumbles back, saying to herself, "How did I know that?" She turns directly to Larry and says, "Normally, I don't know things like that."

Larry doesn't know who he is anymore. What the hell has happened to Patty?

Also, why is she abandoning him to her own brand of lunacy, leaving him alone and undefended against Muffy? It would be much better if it were two against one - the two smart NORMAL ones against the smart INSANE one.

Muffy is on a rampage. "You may get grades as good as mine, but I have an advantage because I will be faster on the buzzer. I grew up with a push-button phone."

Larry is no longer concentrating on the study session. He keeps looking over at Patty, confused. Muffy then sees a group of students working on a banner in the other corner of the library and she howls in anger, "Oh, they've spelled my name wrong on that banner!" and flounces off. (You can see the big banner in the background - with huge letters: M U F Y. hahahahahaha)

Now comes a killer scene, which is really rather unfair, because it raises expectations in the fluttery hearts of adolescent girls everywhere. He CARES about her. That's the message. Devastating!

The second Muffy leaves, Larry turns to Patty and says, "Are you feeling all right, Patty? You really blanked out on that Presidents question."

What I like about the script here is that Patty doesn't keep up the charade. It gives an opportunity for a moment of connection - which does happen from time to time in high school (I am thinking of one of the best books of high school life and emotion that I have ever read - Prep, by Curtis Settenfeld - my review here. Prep is an unbelievably accurate - wrenchingly so - evocation of the adolescent experience from the ground up. So much of it has to do with play-acting, pretending to be a certain kind of person - choosing a persona, or having one chosen for you, accurately or no ... and it's a wilderness of make-believe, but sometimes - rarely - a moment can crack through that facade, and you are TRULY seen. More often than not, such moments are devastating, rather than pleasing ... but boy, those are the moments you remember). So the script writers, instead of having Patty keep up the act (which just wouldn't have been as interesting, much more cliched) - they have her 'fess up.

It's like Larry Simpson, and his concern for her, disarms her completely. He can be trusted. You can tell him things. You can admit your silliness. He won't judge.

Patty looks at him, hesitating, and then comes clean. "Have you ever seen Star is Born?"

He replies, kind of joking, but sweet, "Are you drunk?"


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Patty's braver now, she's back in the realm of truth, and she says, "A friend told me that you would like me better if I wasn't so smart."

Larry almost laughs at this and says, "I don't think you should listen to that friend anymore." (as Lauren hovers in the background, subliminal).

Patty is relieved. "Really?"

He's gentle, now, talking to her very seriously, like he's trying to give her advice about how to live. "Patty, why do you think I went out with a college girl? Because she's smart. I like smart girls."

Uh oh. See, when you make a connection like that (college girl = you, Patty) you build up someone's hopes! He doesn't just say, "I like smart girls" - he says: "I went out with someone BECAUSE she was smart" and in a crazy 14-year-old's brain, that will immediately equal, "I want to go out with YOU." Whether or not that is what you intended!

Also, you can tell that Larry is proud of the fact that he dated outside of his age-group. He's a little vain about it.

I like him better for this small flaw.

Patty says, "You do?"


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Larry says, and it's strangely intimate the way he says it, like he's not talking in a generalized abstract way, but very specifically - about her - "Yeah. So you don't have to do all that with me. You're smart. I like that."


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To quote my friend Mitchell, the Jew: "Sweet Jesus."

He makes sure she got the message, with a quiet insistent, "Okay?" She nods, happily. It's a heart-cracker. Then he says, gathering up his books, "Okay ... I'll see you later, okay?" And off he goes, the most romantic hero of our era.

The second he leaves, Lauren swoops over, wanting to hear everything. "Tell me everything that just happened."

Patty is sitting taller now, her shoulders straight, her face calm and peaceful. She says, "Larry doesn't like dumb girls. He likes smart girls."

Lauren takes this in, and, true to form, immediately adjusts. "Okay, then, you now need to be the smartest girl he has ever met. Start studying!"

She is oblivious to her contradictions. She goes whichever way she is needed. It's hysterical. Patty calls her on it. "You do realize that that is the exact opposite to the advice you gave me yesterday?"

Lauren shrugs. "If I can be flexible, so can you!"


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Now we come to the big moment: the filming of 'It's Academical' in the school gym. Longfellow Tech (boooo) vs. Weemawee High. There are battling squads of rival cheerleaders, people with banners, TV crews setting up ... general pandemonium.

Vinnie, LaDonna and Jennifer stroll into the gym.

I just need to take a moment to say: Look at their clothes.


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Shame. White-hot shame.

Vinnie is still trying to figure out a way that he can get seen on the dance show. He has heard that there is going to be a sequel to Saturday Night Fever and he wants to be in it. "It's going to be directed by Sylvester Stallone," he raves, "and you know he doesn't just go around doing sequels." Ha. Funny line. Jennifer is, as always contemptuous (her epitaph should say "Meh" - a phrase I despise on the face of it - it, to me, suggests everything that is wrong with social interactions in this internet age. Oh it must be so DIFFICULT for you to be so OVER everything, to be so BEYOND joy that all you can say to pretty much anything is "Meh". Boo. Boo on Meh.) Jennifer says, "Yeah, like I really want to, like, stand in line to see Sunday Night Fever." Poor Vinnie, dating such an unsupportive drip.

Meanwhile, Dan Vermilion is "backstage", putting his makeup on and straightening his beard, and he makes some bullshit comment to the assistant principal nearby about how, "yeah, we all do our own makeup ... DeNiro ... Hoffman ... Pacino ..." Hilarious!


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Now we get our first glimpse of the rival team, and have to say it, they are an intimidating and snotty looking bunch. Their air of competition is far more frightening than Muffy's more anxious shriek-fest of "gimme gimme gimme". These are worthy foes. Don't underestimate them.


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They make the Weemawee team look like little kids.


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Nice to see that Larry has once again donned his washed-up-professor-of-18th-century-French-literature's blazer.

Very appropriate for the occasion, smartypants.

The show begins. Lauren is LIVING it from the audience, shooting her support and love up onto the stage out of her eyeballs in a blinding-white paralyzing glow.


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The quiz show begins. At one point, it becomes apparent that something fishy is going on. Dan Vermilion doesn't even finish the question before the Longfellow Tech main beeyotch rings her buzzer and gives the right answer. They are obviously cheating! They knew the questions beforehand - it is so obvious! It gets so bad that Dan Vermilion says, at one point, "In 1678 --" BUZZ from Longfellow Tech. Vermilion says, "Yes?" and the main blonde beeyotch leans in and says, "The defenestration of Prague?" Which, I'm sorry, is just fucking funny. Vermilion shouts, "CORRECT!"

Not fair! Is that the only damn thing that happened in 1678?

Next question: "In 1253 --" BUZZ form Longfellow Tech. Vermilion says, "Yes?" Blonde leans into the mike: "Mongols sack Baghdad." "CORRECT."

The audience is starting to get unruly, the cheerleaders from Longfellow are leaping around, and there's an ugly mood to the proceedings. How will Weemawee compete with such egregious cheaters?

Sadly, though, we begin to see Larry's character flaw in a clearer light.

At one point, he leans over and whispers to the snotty blonde, "How do you know all the answers?"

She smirks. "It helps if you know the questions beforehand."

And instead of being turned off, you can see that this young man is, alas, turned on. All you need to do, apparently, to get in with Larry Simpson is be a haughty blonde saying, "The defenstration of Prague"! (note to self ...)


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Uh-oh. Foreshadowing.

Meanwhile, the Weemawee team is having internal trouble. No matter who buzzes the buzzer (and it's usually Patty), Muffy cannot leave well enough alone - and she single-handedly ruins two answers in a row, due to butting in. One of the answers is to spell "Erebus". It's Patty's guess.

She says into the mike, "E - R - E ..."

And Muffy cannot wait, cannot sit back, and screams at the top of her lungs, "B - U - S!"

Dan Vermilion, so lax with the haughty cheaters from Longfellow, is a hardass with the Weemawee kids. "Hey - which one of you is answering?"

Muffy shrieks, "I am!"

Vermilion replies, "I'm sorry, then, your answer is incorrect. You just spelled 'BUS'."

hahahahahahaha


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Another tragedy occurs when, as they had hoped, a question is repeated from a former show. The question is, "Please name all the US Presidents after Hoover." I am sure we can see which way this one is going. Muffy, ecstatic, manic, pounds her fist on the buzzer and hollers like an opera queen, "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO!"

Vermilion replies, "Uh ... no ... that is not correct ... Longfellow?"

Naturally, haughty blonde coolly gives the answer like a Hitchcock heroine. "Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson."


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Larry and Patty are not happy here. And rightly so. The game goes to Longfellow. All because of Muffy.


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And that's that. The game breaks up, and Lauren races up to Patty to console her. Patty seems to be taking it okay, laughing with Lauren, saying, "Muffy! She just could not keep her hand off the buzzer!"

Lauren, still working it, says, "Now you and Larry have to go out and console each other."

"Really?"

"Yes! Defeat is so romantic!"

Of course it is, Lauren.


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The crowd is mingling, and you can see Larry, in the background, see Patty, and come over to talk to her. He's pretty easygoing about the whole thing, too. I mean, you can't be too upset when you lost because your teammate is, frankly, a buzzer lunatic screaming "B-U-S" and "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO" at the slightest provocation.

He says, laughing, "Well, at least it was fun, right?"

Patty gawks up at him, in love. "Yes, it was."

The moment trembles ... it is almost perfect ... if the stars align, and Mercury rises into Jupiter's orbit, and the sun moves behind a cloud ... something might happen next. Larry might ask her to go grab something to eat. Maybe take a walk and laugh about Muffy. Something ... They tremble on the abyss of possibility ...


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I'm sorry, but he is just absolutely to die for here. I love men.

Lauren can feel the vibe between the two as well. She stands there, beaming upon it ... WILLING it to happen.

But then. Ruination.

The blonde from Longfellow sidles up to Larry, and says in an insinuating voice, "Larry, I would love to get your thoughts on the Treaty of Ghent."

Never have the words "Treaty of Ghent" sounded so salacious.

Larry gets the message. He says, taken aback, but drawn in at the same time, "Okay ... sure!"


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She takes his arm in a proprietary manner and leads him away (again, shades of Eunice Burns. Is that Larry's fate? To be yoked to a dominating boss-lady? Perhaps! Although my very spirit balks at the thought! Maybe it's a phase!). He says, "Bye, Patty," in a kind heartbreaking tone ... and then off he goes, to (vigorous quote marks) "discuss the Treaty of Ghent". Yeah, in the back seat of his convertible. Or perhaps in an open grave.

Patty is deflated. Once again. Lauren, ever the optimist, gushes, "Look on the bright side! At least he's dating closer to his age group now!"


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Cold comfort, indeed.

And now it is time to kiss Larry Simpson goodbye.

Wave goodbye, class! There he goes!


Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

March 6, 2009

"Square Pegs" - 'It's Academical' (or: the heartbreaking return of Larry Simpson, aka Ben Marley)

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PART ONE

This episode was near the end of the one fateful season of Square Pegs, and when I re-watched it last year, I had to laugh at how much I remembered. Even specific lines came back to me.

The other episode I remembered that well is the one called 'A Cafeteria Line', where gawky geeky Patty nabs the lead in the school play (opposite Vinnie), and there are all kinds of boundary issues (are their characters in love, or are they??), not to mention friendship issues (Patty starts to choose Vinnie over Lauren, and it doesn't go well) ... and then, at the end of the episode, Patty sings her big song ... and as a young teenager, I was strangely THRILLED about this - because my first Broadway show had been Annie, when I was 11 years old ... and who played Annie but Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a beautiful clear and strong voice ... so I was so psyched (as though I were her manager or something) that the powers-that-be at Square Pegs knew she could sing, and let her show her stuff on Square Pegs. Not to mention the fact that it was a song about wearing glasses - and I had worn glasses since I was 10, and hated them, so it all really spoke to me.

BUT. Back to 'It's Academical'. This heartbreaking episode witnesses the return of Larry Simpson, the hot senior from the pilot, played by Ben Marley. I like it when a show like this has a good memory and honors that memory, ie: having Ben Marley come back to play the same role. It doesn't always happen that way, and believe me, as a panting 14-year-old girl, I was relieved to see the same cutie-pie show up again. I gasped, as though I was Lauren on the track, when I first saw him in the episode. "It's him!!!"

You know. Boys like that were celebrities in school, and they wore their celebrity with ease. I am still vaguely in awe of people like that (call for Keith M.) Plenty of people let the power of their position go to their head, but those that didn't were rare and your interactions with them stayed with you for days. Square Pegs gets that.

In 'It's Academical', Weemawee High School has been chosen to compete in a local televised quiz show called 'It's Academical' (whose host is a funny bitter chain-smoking failed actor), and three students will be chosen out of the entire student body to represent Weemawee.

Who will be chosen?

Will romance bloom or falter?

Can anyone bear the suspense??

Let's get to it.

There's a pep rally at Weemawee (they seem to have a lot of those), and many announcements are made. What a bore. Isn't that what a loudspeaker going throughout the school is for? Muffy, naturally, is running the show, screaming, and honking a huge noise-maker to force everyone to quiet down. She seems to be having a prolonged manic episode. Principal Dingleman (you know, Dingleberry) is on vacation, so the assistant principal steps in to be "acting principal" for the week. He is an ex-hippy, and starts his speech to the class with some inappropriate anecdote about how the last time he was "in the principal's office" was in 1969 when "we had tied up the professor of the college ..." You can watch Muffy's face go slowly from manic support to horror and then anger, as she takes the mike back.

Jami Gertz is so over-the-top here, and I haven't exactly followed her career (Lisa? Want to fill us in?) but she's quite a comedienne. Her observations on ambition, nervousness and also her willingness to look like a complete ass are all right on the money. Great character. No wonder an entire generation who saw that show remembers the name "Muffy Tepperman".

She is all a-flutter as she takes back the mike and announces the big news that Weemawee has been chosen to compete on the local quiz show against a rival high school - Longfellow Tech. Muffy leads the gym in booing the rival. Based on grade point average, three students - "the smartest in the school" will be chosen to compete. And you can tell that Muffy assumes she will be one of them. As far as she is concerned, it is already a done deal.

Dan Vermilion (great name) is the host of the local TV show (as well as a bunch of other local shows) and is there to announce the big news. It's hysterical. He stands off to the side, in the gym, as Muffy babbles on, smoking and making bitter comments about how much he hates kids and let's get this thing over with. Finally, he runs up to the mike, soulless entity that he is, accepting the accolades of the demographic he despises. He is full of himself, once upon a time he had big dreams ... you know he probably played the lead in Camelot in college, and truly felt he was a rival to Richard Burton ... but now here he is, hosting local shows along the lines of "Community Auditions" (well known to anyone who lived in Rhode Island in the 70s. "Star of the DAY - who will it be? Your vote may hold the key! It's up to YOU - to tell us WHO - will be STAR of the day!") and hating his whole life. Very funny.


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Look at Jami Gertz. hahahaha

As ridiculous as the character is, she is always alive, and responding, and doing absurd things in the background of every scene.

Vermilion's announcement sends the student body into a tizzy. Everyone wants to be on television. Lauren grabs Patty and tells her she HAS to be on the show. Not because it would be good for Patty to show her smarts, or to have something that will look good on a college application - but because fame, even local fame, is the quickest route to popularity. Patty is, of course, more reticent and shy. She knows she's smart, she has good grades, but she's not really a go-getter in that respect.


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The goombah Vinnie has no interest on being on the quiz show (thank God, because he refers to the show as 'It's Academicalogical') but Dan Vermilion hosts another show - a dance show - and that's the one Vinnie wants to be on. He shouts from the crowd, and then - to Tracey Nelson's utter horror and LaDonna's mortification - he jumps up on his chair and starts gyrating, showing his stuff off, unprompted.


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Standup comedian hopeful Marshall sees this as his big chance, too. The show is live, so why can't he somehow get on the show, have a couple of minutes to do a routine, a couple of knock-knock jokes, whatever. This is his moment. He cannot let it slip by. He knows his grades aren't good enough to get on the show, but that is irrelevant to Marshall. He will barge his way into the action somehow! Johnny Slash is very frightened by this prospect. As he is frightened of most everything.

The world is frightening to Johnny Slash. If only he could live in his music. It would be a totally different head. Totally.

Dan Vermilion will be back later in the week to announce the winners. See you all then, folks! Everyone files out of the gym, buzzing with anticipation.

Lauren, Patty, Marshall and Johnny go out for a burger at a local joint afterwards. Lauren is determined - "This has to happen, Patty!" - and Marshall is trying to figure out a way that he can get in on the action. He asks Johnny to "rehearse" with him, but it doesn't go well. He asks Johnny, "Okay, so you be Dan Vermilion ..." and Johnny replies, "Then who would HE be?" He is a very literal human being, and cannot make the leap of faith to pretend. Marshall says, "Ask me a question - any question!" Johnny says, "How are you?" Marshall says, "No, Johnny ... ask me a question from history." Johnny nods, like "Okay, I got it", and then asks, "How were you yesterday?"


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Muffy barges over to the table and it immediately becomes apparent that she knows Patty is her main rival for this thing, so she starts to subtly (uhm, not really) throw her weight around, trying to intimidate and dominate. "It is obvious who will be chosen ..." Patty just isn't the competitive type. She doesn't claw back. Muffy towers above their table, long hair swinging back and forth, collar neatly turned down in a frighteningly correct fashion, and she is a sight to behold.


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Meanwhile, at another table, Jennifer, Vinnie and LaDonna also talk about the quiz show. Vinnie is stuck on the dance show, and Jennifer says she would never want to be on the quiz show because "like, they ask you questions ... like, I've seen them, like, do it." LaDonna (whom I love more and more with each re-viewing) is determined that SHE will be on the show. She may not be a brainiac but "every week they ask SOME question about Otis Redding, and I am a graduate of the Soul-Train College of Musical Knowledge", and for that alone she should be on the show. I think she's got a point. Especially in light of what happens later.


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No sign of Larry Simpson yet. Not even a mention. The suspense is killing me!

The school gathers again a couple of days later to hear the three chosen contestants. Seems like it would be much easier and more efficient to announce these things over the loudspeaker during Homeroom - that's the way we did things at OUR school - but at Weemawee, togetherness and artificial PEP trumps efficiency, apparently.

Dan Vermilion is there, once again, in white bucks, smoking a cigarette in the gym, being bitter and over-it, until it is time to run up onto the stage.

He makes a big deal out of announcing the winners.

"Our first contestant is .... MUFFY TEPPERMAN."

The applause is tepid, and actually makes you feel a little bit bad for Muffy, but then her over-reaction is so insane that you stop feeling bad for her. She acts as though she is the underdog winning the Academy Award. She races to the mike, screaming incoherently about how "shocked" she is, which is very funny because you know she's not shocked at all. Also, no need to give a thank-you speech, Muffy ... you haven't won the quiz show yet. But no matter. She screams and blusters and shrieks, as everyone stares on in disgust. Thank goodness her ego is so huge. She strolls through the contempt for her, head held high.


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Dan Vermilion somehow gets the mike back from her, and goes to announce the second student. I just had to grab this screenshot, because in the moment of anticipation - please look at Jami Gertz's body language. Seriously, this is an actress who feels FREE. She holds nothing back. Look at her!


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Now comes the big moment. Dan Vermilion calls out the second name: "Larry Simpson! Come on down!"

Finally! A glimpse!


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Now, of course, Lauren and Patty freak out. He's a celebrity to them. Even the way they say his name ... they draw it out .. "Larry Simpson!" It's like "George Clooney" to them! Lauren is now out of her mind: Patty MUST be the third student chosen. Not only will she become popular, but she can also win over Larry Simpson's heart! They watch him walk down the aisle, agog - Lauren basically drooling over him, and Patty with something a bit more wistful. Patty says, "He probably doesn't even remember who I am" and Lauren gushes, "The last time you spoke, he kissed you and told you he was seeing someone else! Boys don't just forget moments like that!" I love how Lauren has an answer for everything, and that answer is always about empowering her friend, and building her up. That's so what I remember from high school, and even though it led us all down some pretty insane paths - that's what you do when you're friends, and you're 14 years old. You validate the other person's insanity. Lauren does this in spades. As far as she is concerned, Larry Simpson has been carrying a torch for Patty the entire school year. And by the end of listening to Lauren rant and rave, I start to believe it too. Even though I know it's insane!


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Larry goes up and joins the others on the stage, running his hand through his hair as he did to devastating effect in the pilot. Lauren and Patty are out of their minds.


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Then comes the big moment - when Dan Vermilion calls out the final name. It is, of course, Patty. Lauren flips - it is as though it is her victory as well - and Patty is shy and awkward, she doesn't want to walk up there in front of everyone - she gasps, "I hate aisles!"

But, bravely, off she goes.

Please look at Lauren here. It makes me want to hug all of my female friends.


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Slowly, Patty walks up to the stage. Everyone is clapping, including Larry, who is obviously a nice person, not an "over it" kind of guy.


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Look at Muffy's face, please.

And then, awful, Patty trips and falls onto the stage. Larry, naturally, is there immediately, helping her pick up her books and her ubiquitous lunchbox. He's sweet, looking right at her (in a way that would have slayed me as a teen and would still slay me now), and he somehow makes it all right that she just had this awkward moment. It's actually kind of funny, and he makes her smile about it.

Stop killing me, Ben Marley.

Thank you.


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It's as though the whole world falls away. The sounds of the gym fade away, and they are the only two people on the planet. Again, Larry, be careful who you flirt with!! I myself am the same way. I'm a horrible flirt, because basically I mean business at all times. You flirt with me casually at your own risk. So, you gonna finish the job, or what? I'm not saying this is a good quality, and I often wish I COULD flirt and, more importantly, be flirted with, but I can't. If I like you, and you like me, and you engage with me in casual banter, then I assume you mean business, just like I do. I'm not talking about being "serious" or "love", I'm talking about something much more prosaic, like getting my phone number, or at least attacking me in the corner by the jukebox. Flirting qua flirting holds no interest for me at all. I'm HORRIBLE at it. I don't do small talk, and I would need to be paid in order to be coy. I don't play games. I said that to a guy once, actually - it was in Ireland, and the vibe had been floating between us all night, through talk and jokes, etc. I felt like if I gave him the opportunity to make his move, he would ... but flirting with no end in sight just isn't my bag. I liked him enough, even though I had just met him, and the energy was open enough (ah, the Irish male) that I said, "Don't flirt with me anymore unless you are prepared to finish what you started, mkay, sweetie?" I said it with humor, but, you know ... truth as well. And what happened? He pushed me up against the wall and attacked me. Life was beautiful. He had just been waiting for the right moment anyway to step into his rightful role as grabby aggressive he-man action figure, and I let him go for it. Ah, the crazy American girl. So I know of what I speak. I have gotten my heart broken because a guy flirted with me and had no intention of following through. Makes life tough in the singles scene, I'll tell you that. I pretty much just stay away now, because I obviously never learned the rules of the game, and it's way too late now.

Larry, in his quiet gentleness here with her, is opening a whole can of adolescent worms!

Next we see Patty and Lauren walking down the hall. Patty is nervous, and Lauren is ecstatic. Patty will now get to have one on one time with Larry, and isn't this miraculous??


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Having a friend like Lauren is worth its weight in gold. Because she just goes with the flow. Whatever Patty is going through, she supports and builds her up. If Patty changes her mind about something, then somehow Lauren immediately finds a way to incorporate that, and change her sales pitch. She could sell snow to Eskimos.

Then comes a big moment. They see Larry at his locker in the empty hallway (with pictures of football players and tennis players taped up to the inside. Of course.) Lauren is ecstatic because there's no one around. Oh, the memories of being 14 and knowing you only had FIVE MINUTES to take your chance to talk to the GREEK GOD SENIOR you were currently in love with, because soon the bell would ring and the halls would be crowded and you would have lost your big moment ... to do ... what ... say "Hi?" and scurry on by? Well, frankly, yes.

Larry is oblivious to the teenage drama going on behind him, and finally Lauren gives Patty a shove in Larry's direction, and Patty (again) stumbles, and her lunch box goes flying across the hall, landing at Larry's feet.


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Mortification central. But again, Larry, with the ease of the "higher life-form" (phrasing stolen from A., my partner in Ben Marley crime), makes it all seem all right, and actually comedic. He picks up the lunch box and jokes, "I think I recognize this!"

Teasing her about her fall earlier.

But Patty is in a whirlwind of hormones, and as we all know, when hormones are in a whirlwind, sometimes the subtleties of humor are lost on us. She grasps at straws, she stutters ... all as Lauren rolls her eyes in the background.

Larry, true to form, pretends that Patty is not in a tizzy about him. It is obvious she has a huge crush, and he's kind about it, not mentioning it or belittling her. He tries to keep the conversation going. Which actually just makes things worse ... because here he is, casually talking to her, as though they, you know, KNOW each other ... and that makes Patty's case of the nerves even more acute.


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He says, with the air of one settling into the conversation (which is so important - then and now - if girls get the feeling that you are on your way somewhere, and you have one foot out the door ... well, you won't get much tail, that's all I'm saying. Or the tail you get will not be the tail you really want. Larry talks to her, leaning back up against the locker, his body language saying, "I got nowhere else to be!") - "So where have you been? I haven't seen you around lately?"

She stutters about being busy, and then, out of desperation, turns the conversation back on him - which leads to Ben Marley's most charming moment in the episode.

She has no idea what she is saying, there is no forethought, so she blurts out, "And how are you? How is your college girlf---" She stops herself, horrified. Was she just about to ask him about his "college girlfriend", the one who made their liaison not possible at the freshman dance? What is she, nuts?

But the funniest thing is that he says right back to her, "My college girlf?"

He doesn't scorn her for her ridiculous error, but he teases her ... which throws her into a tailspin.


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"Girlf?" she gasps. "I didn't say 'girlf'!"

He starts to laugh, and it's to die for, because he tries to keep it together, and not laugh AT her, but he can't help it. I mean, GIRLF, for God's sake.


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He says to her, persistent, adorable, "You said 'girlf'."

Poor Lauren watching all of this is in agony at how badly it is going.


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Patty backtracks, "No, no, I didn't mean 'girlf' ..."

He, however, validates her interest, even through her denials, and says in a serious sexy way that would seriously be difficult to recover from if you were 14, "I think you were talking about my college girlfriend?" Patty is about to detach from the earth and fly up into the atmosphere, so he says, gently, "I'm not going out with her anymore. We broke up."

Oh dear. Why are you sharing this with her, Larry? Don't you know what it will do to her? Do you mean business or are you just flirting? INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW.


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Uhm, Lauren? Control yourself, please.

Patty loses her head when she hears he is no longer "going out with the college girlf" and exclaims happily, "You're not??" before correcting herself with, "I mean - God, that's awful - I'm so sorry ..."

Again, he is laughing and kind at her gaffes here, and basically you just want to kill yourself watching it. With lust.

Cause that's his JOB. That was Ben Marley's primary job here as an actor - to make the young female audience want to commit hari-kiri from the sheer power of their lust - but without making a big show of his sexiness or his appeal - and he does it. He doesn't skulk or behave in an overtly sexy manner - but he's, instead, nice, kind and easy with himself. Killer combo. Hari-kiri.

They're having a nice conversation. But alas, all good things must come to an end.

Muffy is approaching. She barges right into their duo, and takes over. She is obviously smitten with Ben Marley too (and who can blame her), but her approach is much more direct. She is sweepingly dramatic and overwhelmingly bossy. She begins to make demands, acting as though Patty, the third member of their team, is not standing right there. It is breathlessly contemptuous. But I gotta say, I feel for Muffy. I really do. I had a moment like that at one of my high school reunions, when I was having a conversation with, basically, the Muffy Tepperman of our high school class, and I suddenly saw, in a flash, how hard high school had been for HER, too. She was a cheerleader, a singer, she was always featured in pep rallies ... but life wasn't easy for HER either. Muffy is in love with Larry. And again, who can blame her. Yes, she is obnoxious, but we are not always at our best when we are in love.

Larry becomes visibly uncomfortable the second Muffy enters the conversation. She is "too much" for him, she stands too close, she is too insistent, and she has DEMANDS written all over her. You watch him try to disengage, you see him try to still be nice, but also put her off. He coughs, fidgets, looks down the hall ... this is all very nicely played by Ben Marley, because he is doing multiple things here. You can tell that he was enjoying the conversation with Patty, too ... and Muffy ruined something that was nice and pure. He tries to keep the lines of communication open with Patty, and include her, although Muffy explicitly lets it be known that she does NOT want Patty involved ... but all the time, he's still doing his best to be nice to be Muffy.

It's terrible.


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Look at Muffy's face in that last screengrab. I want to say to her, "Muffy, darling! Save SOMETHING for a rainy day, sweetheart - don't give it all away!"

But we all have our journeys,

Ben Marley obviously senses that gleaming-eyed maniacal look of need, and he tries to wiggle out of it, but Muffy - as we all know - doesn't take No for an answer. She wants to get together after school and start studying for the show.

Larry is too nice to be like, "No, beeyotch, I want nothing to do with you ..." He says, all adorable hesitation and awkwardness, "Sure ... fine ..." Then dragging his eyes over to Patty, he says, "You want to come, too?"

Subtext being played: Please? Please come? Don't leave me alone with this wackjob.

Patty says, breathless, "Okay!"

Muffy does not like this, her main goal is to shut Patty out, so she grabs poor Larry by the arm, and drags him off, lecturing him about where they need to start first in their studying, and how important it all is ... (shades of Eunice Burns here ...)

Larry, in a devastating moment, (again, if you think like a 14 year old) throws a desperate glance over his shoulder back at Patty, as he is dragged away.

He wants to be with her, not Muffy! Muffy is way too much pressure - Patty is sweet ... but he cannot resist the bossy tug of Muffy's arm - at least he cannot do so without being overtly mean to Muffy, and that is just not his style. So off he goes.


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Patty is left alone and dejected in the hallway, and Lauren races over to scold her for waiting too long to "say something" (say what? declare her undying love?). Patty knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on, she had handled the interaction badly ("girlf??" You know she will wince when she thinks about that later) ... but at least she now has the after-school meeting with Larry and Muffy to look forward to.

In the words of another tragic heroine, tomorrow's another day.


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PART TWO TO COME ....

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBack

March 5, 2009

Before we get to Ben Marley in the Square Pegs episode "It's Academical",

let us glory once again in Muffy Tepperman's hair, her shirt, her little pin, her collar, and her expression.

"I'm going to ignore that, because, frankly, I don't get it."

I think hers is the most comedic performance in the entire show.

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Posted by sheila Permalink | TrackBack

February 26, 2009

The "Square Pegs" pilot: In hot pursuit of popularity and Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley) - Part Two

We left off at the halfway mark, after Patty fills Lauren in on the most amazing experience of her life - "fainting on Larry Simpson". She can be forgiven for exaggerating. She is 14.

Patty and Lauren have been volunteered (by Muffy) to make decorations for the freshman dance. They sit after school and paint posters, and all Lauren can talk about is Larry Simpson and how he LIKES Patty and how they have to somehow work this, because there is no time like the present! AS they are talking, naturally - who walks into the room but Larry Simpson. In gym shorts, help me Jesus.


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Lauren sees Larry and his friend come closer and, more aggressive than Patty, calls out to him. Instead of being a douche, and rolling his eyes and strolling by, he sees that Lauren is sitting with Patty, and says, "Hi!" in a nice heart-cracking way that I, personally, would totally have misinterpreted as a 14-year-old, thinking he obviously liked me if he said "Hi" in that manner. Actually, I might mis-interpret it now too! He and Patty have a bond now. He stops to chat, which is even worse (and by "worse" I mean "better"), because he obviously wants to be there. Lauren is both just googly-eyed up at him and his friend.


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Larry says something to his friend like, "This is the girl I told you about ... Patty ..."

THE GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT?

DON'T PLAY WITH MY HEART, BEN MARLEY!!


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He's humorous and nice and makes Patty repeat "that funny thing you said the other day ..." In that moment, he's building her up. He's making her repeat something that made him laugh, to his friend.

This is all just soul-crushing.

Patty is on the moon. She says "that funny thing" again, and Larry Simpson laughs again and says, appreciatively, almost intimately, "You have such an unusual mind."

Where is the fork? I need to plunge it into my solar plexus.

But then Lauren, whose social skills leave a bit to be desired, butts in. She can't help herself. As a grown woman I would call this moment a "cock block", and I believe that it is essential to have female friends who intuitively understand what a cock block is, and why you should not do it ... it's just a sense that should be developed by the time you're an adult. Seriously. Bump it up the priority list if you don't have it down-pat, because nobody likes a cock-blocker. Anyway, Lauren doesn't mean any harm (many cock blockers don't - that's the worst part - and Lauren's too young to really get it yet) - but Patty and Larry are having a nice (to quote Eddie Izzard) "splashy-splashy" moment, when Lauren blurts out, "Larry, are you going to the dance?" all breathless and agog.

It stops the action. It interrupts. It is not on topic. The cock is blocked.

That's a no-no, Lauren.

Oh, and just in case you think I'm being too hard on the poor hapless cock-blockers, on one or two awkward occasions I have actually cock-blocked myself, so I do understand the problem. But get it together, and GET OUT OF THE WAY. I have often thought that my friends Ann Marie and Mitchell should give seminars (together) on how NOT to cock-block. They could make a killing. They bring not only non-cock-blocking but encouragement of the friend's romantic action going on to a high art form. It's sometimes impossible NOT to get laid when you go out with those two. They set you up as the funniest coolest person in the world, and then disappear into the night, leaving you to navigate the situation yourself. Brilliant!

Anyway, there's an awkward shrieking-on of the brakes when Lauren blurts out her comment, and you can see everyone awkwardly dealing with it. Larry Simpson says, "Yeah, sure ..."


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Lauren gushes, "We'll see you there!"

It's one of those weird high school moments where you can totally tell that one group is 14 years old and one group is 18 years old. From a long-distance view, all teenagers may seem the same, but don't you remember on the ground when you were 14 and those senior classmen seemed like ADULTS? Like, they had RAZORS in their bathrooms and stuff like that. You were just a KID who still had teddy bears.

Larry says, "Okay ..." Again, he's nice to Lauren. He's not a douche, even though he probably can see what she is up to. He doesn't say, "Yeah, you wish you'd see me there ..." He nods and says, "Okay." But, inevitably, his eyes drag back to Patty.

Let us revel in the moment.

For as long as possible.


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I'm guessing Patty feels the same way I do.


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Granted, it's not the iconic American-male-movie-star hotness-with-years-of-similar-images-behind-it of something like this:


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But in Square Pegs, he's playing a different kind of character, a regular boy from the suburbs, good at school, nice, obviously plays soccer, and cute as hell.

He then says the fateful words, "See you there", and strolls off with his friend, leaving the girls in a state of complete emotional dishevelment (and poor Marshall, who has to look on at the drool-fest going on).

Look at them watch him go!


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Of course Patty and Lauren are whipped up into a frenzy about the words "See you there" which seems to hold some kind of ... promise?

Oh, girls. Watch out.

Change of scene, change of cock. Marshall and Johnny Slash are in the listening library at the school (well - Johnny Slash is listening to Devo or something), and Lauren and Patty are strategizing about how to get to the dance, and how romantic it will be. They actually believe that Patty is going TO the dance with Larry. At some point, Marshall comes up, and with many a "but seriously folks" interjection, asks Lauren to the dance. She is openly dismayed. She is at the point where Patty's life is far more important to her than her own. But they end up agreeing to go to the dance with Marshall and Johnny (who has a car), as long as Marshall and Johnny agree to stand six paces behind them at all times, like Prince Philip. Hahahaha Poor Marshall and Johnny agree to that. Johnny appears to be terrified of girls, in general. He may have a cool exterior, but inside he is a trembly mess.


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Now, finally, the dance. The sad foursome stand out on the steps of the school, and they are all basically waiting for Larry Simpson to show up. Horrible! God, it brings me back to how embarrassing I could be in high school, waiting around for some dude to walk by, so I could maybe have eye contact with him and then write 20 pages about it in my diary.


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Johnny Slash has completely divorced himself from the situation (what a shock), and is deeply engrossed in the music coming out of his headphone. Lauren and Patty peer off eagerly into the night. Marshall is still hopeful that the wind will swing his way, so he murmurs to Johnny that eventually they'll probably get to dance with Lauren and Patty. Johnny freaks out. "Dance? With them? I don't dance. I'm New Wave. Totally different head. Totally." Marshall, again stuck in the days of Sid Caesar, tries to teach Johnny how to dance, and they do an awkward waltz up and down the steps, much to Lauren's mortification.

Where is Larry? Why is he not coming?

Then the most romantic heart-stopping shot in the whole pilot.


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Not just because it's Ben Marley, and he's running his fingers through his hair, but because I remember what it was like to be 14, and LIVING for a certain dance, because maybe I would see that upper classman I was so smitten with, and I had no classes with him, no interactions ... but at a dance, I could actually be in his presence in a social situation and maybe ... just maybe ...?

Damn Square Pegs for giving me flashbacks like that. They really are rather unpleasant.

Lauren gives Patty advice on what to say - that his presence makes her stomach go into butterflies, that "we will remember this night for the rest of our lives", and other such balderdash, and then drags Johnny and Marshall off, leaving Patty alone on the steps.

Larry, unaware of the brou-haha that he has caused, casually strolls up the steps in his washed-up 18th-century-French-literature professor's blazer ... and he's not looking for anyone (because, you know, he knows he's NOT on a date) so he almost walks right by Patty, and she calls out to him, "Hi, Larry!"


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Awkward!

He's a smart guy (that's set up in how he's talked about), so he has a moment where he realizes what's happened. That she's standing on the steps forlornly waiting for him. But because he's also nice, he doesn't cringe away from her, or play it cool, or any of those other things that would crush her even more. He's nice. He stops and they have a sweet interaction. She's not wearing her glasses, and he comments on it. She pretends like she only wears the glasses "for reading sometimes", and he says, "You look nice" - in a way that has to be seen to realize its effectiveness. (Again, imagine you are an un-kissed geeky 14-year-old ... very important.) She, freaked out, blurts back, "You look nice, too" and he starts laughing and makes some self-deprecating comment about his clothes, although he DOESN'T say, "Yeah, my dad is a professor of 18th-century-French-literature and I borrowed his blazer."


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He then says, "Well, we might as well go in, right?" As though they are together, pitter pat, and in they go. You like him. You feel bad for Patty. Life will go on.

Inside the dance is going on. I can't get over the music or the outfits. It's awesome. The Waitresses haven't shown up yet for their gig (they're such rock stars), and Muffy is getting very angry about that. The same dude in the full American Indian regalia is STILL in the full American Indian regalia dancing around, and he is the background of almost every shot, and it's hilarious!

Larry doesn't just ditch Patty when they walk in. They stand there together. It's the most exciting thing ever. Larry has the vibe of one of those guys in high school (again, calling Keith M.) - who was at the top of the peak, yet somehow still had a foot out of high school, giving him a better perspective. He knew there were more important things. That how you treat each other is what really matters. That life would go on after high school. Unlike those who truly believed that this was the most crucial time of their lives. Maybe it's being a senior, but I think there's more to it. Like the way he looks around at the dance. He's not making fun of it, but there's a part of him that does look around and find it all rather funny. That is SUCH a relaxing energy when you are a square peg underclassman and everything is so important!


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So then Jami Gertz has her big moment introducing The Waitresses, on they all come, and they start to play "I Know What Boys Like". The place freaks out and everyone starts dancing. Except for Patty and Larry who kind of look on, chatting about nothing. He's being kind and sweet, and asking her if she wants a soda. She is awkward and bumbly, and making no sense at all. Meanwhile, Lauren watches like a hawk from across the gym, peering through the crowd.

Ah, memories!

At one point Larry says, "I like this song" (you know, the man is desperate for conversation at this point - but he takes it easy, not giving her a hard time - he's doing all the work as she bumbles about) - and she gushes, "Me too!" even though she probably doesn't even know what the song is.


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One of my favorite moments that Ben Marley has in the episode is while the two of them are talking (with the American Indian war-whooping in the background). He asks Patty if she would like a soda, and in the middle of his comment, you can see him see something across the room, and it cracks him up. He tries to hide it - hand up over mouth - but it's too late. He says, "Uh ... I think your friend is trying to get your attention."

Cut to Lauren standing on the bleechers, waving and gesticulating at her like a maniac. Like - she can't WAIT for the update - she must have it now!!! But I just like how he catches a glimpse of the wind-mill-esque motions across the gym, knows exactly what's going on (it's nice to see a boy not be contemptuous of girls and how they operate, and treat it all with a bit of friendliness), and he tries not to laugh, but you know, she looks ludicrous so he can't help it.


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It's MORTIFYING. Sarah Jessica Parker is MORTIFIED that her friend is making such a scene. But what is she to do? Windmill-arm her back, "LEAVE US ALONE. STOP COCK-BLOCKING"?? She cringes!


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Larry Simpson, good boy, jokes, "Do you think she wants a soda too?"

Patty doesn't even know what she is saying ... the moment, so precious, is already slipping away. God, don't we all remember what that is like? She says, "She doesn't even drink soda!" and he looks at her with a nice expression, like, Okay, okay, it's okay, Patty ... and he exits the scene, to go get them some sodas, but also to allow the frantic friend to rush over and get the update. He gets it.

You know, it's moments of kindness like that that can make the wilderness of high school not seem so hostile.

Lauren then races over demanding to know if he has kissed her yet. Patty is horrified. "We just GOT here!" But she needs her friend and says, "Okay, quickly - what am I supposed to say to him again?" And Lauren launches into the butterflies in stomach and "we will remember this night for the rest of our lives" monologue. Patty nods, trying to burn it into her brain. Okay, got it. Larry returns, without sodas, and Lauren dashes off to leave them alone. Subtle!

Larry does NOT have sodas when he returns, and by now it's a slow song. They stand there, side by side, not speaking for a while.

It's killer. It killed me as a 14 year old ... that moment BEFORE something really happens. (Please look for the Indian doing his thing in the background. It kills me.)


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Then he says, as though the thought just occurred to him, "Hey, you want to dance?"

She gushes, "Sure!"

Best moment of her life.

Of mine as well.


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Oh, it's so sweet how he puts his arms out, and she steps into them (all with tomahawk man gyrating in the background - hysterical) and they slow dance for a while. It's achingly awesome.

They dance. They don't speak. She is obviously madly in love with him, and he ... well, here's what I think. He meant what he said earlier in the episode. He loves her mind. He thinks she's a kick. He's a smart guy, and he likes her smarts. He finds her amusing. And maybe, somewhere, he thinks she's cute too. (The way he said "You look nice" tells me that). He's aware that she is crush-ing on him big time, and so instead of being a dick to her about it, he is kind. He basically ignores her awkwardness, letting her get herself together, without punishing her for it ... and is kind and sweet in the face of someone else's insane regard for him. So. Basically what I'm trying to say is he is playing all of that as he dances with her. He's not "just" dancing with her, or staring over her shoulder. He's thinking about something. Best kind of acting. It doesn't matter if you're in a Pepto Bismol commercial or a Woody Allen movie. Think about something when you're acting. Especially on film where it is always the thought that counts.


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Hmmm.

All of this is reminding me of something else.

What could it be?

Oh, yeah.


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Not quite as palpitatingly hot and tormented, but just as sweet.

Patty, however, cannot just be in the moment. Of course she can't. She's 14. She's out of her MIND. She doesn't know you need to hold onto moments primarily by letting them be. She tries to force her hand. Basically so that she won't have to break the news to Lauren that she didn't say the right words.

She breaks the slow dance (and this is a very nice scene coming up, very nicely written), and says, in an overly dramatic voice, "Larry, we will remember this life for the rest of our nights."

He stops and says, "What?"

Uh-oh. She got her one line wrong.


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Instead of correcting herself, or digging herself in deeper, she steps back away from him a little bit and basically pleads (and it's a lovely moment, very cathartic and high school-ish), "Well, don't you have that feeling??"

Good for you, Patty. Speak your truth. YOUR truth, not Lauren's.

Now comes Larry's moment in the sun and I'm sure this is why he was brought back for a later episode. His sweetness here is hard to describe without making it sound ... schmaltzy ... sweet is not the word, anyway. I know I keep saying "kind", but that's the word-clue that keeps coming up for me. I am also remembering who I was when I first saw it, ostracized and pudgy, and feeling such a sense of self-loathing that I would NEVER approach a guy to ask him to dance, or whatever. I was disgusting to myself. It makes me want to cry, looking back on it. Over the next couple of years of high school, there were, indeed, boys who were kind to me in my distress over them. They handled me gently (or as gently as they could, being only 16 themselves), and I will always appreciate that. They all turned me down, I had no success in high school, and finally - my senior year in high school started dating a 22 year old guy - which seemed my only hope! That turned into a major tragedy too, but my milieu was obviously not high school. I just couldn't get a grip on ANYthing.

So Larry here, and how he sees how flustered and upset she is, and instead of backing off from it - decides to speak directly to it - really made an impression on me.

He sees her face, pauses, and then says, "Patty - when you were out front on the steps ... were you waiting for me?"


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Horrifying. She exclaims in defense, "No!"

He doesn't say anything (again, a kind moment - he lets her defend herself without scoffing at her or saying, "You were too, Patty, come on"), and she then caves and says, "Yes." She's already near tears.


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It's crushing.

Here comes the nicely written scene, which - naturally - I remembered almost word for word. The time is now, he has to be honest with this poor girl, so he starts to say,

"Look, I don't know how to say this, but ..." when she interrupts, she can't help it, saying, "I thought you liked me!"

He says (and I believe every word - that's the gift Ben Marley brought to this nothing little part. You have to believe him - otherwise he's just another high school douchebag and we've all seen them before), "I do like you. It's just that I'm seeing somebody else." Gentle, gentle ... he knows it will hurt her.

Again, if you roll your eyes at this stuff totally then you miss so much. How often in life do I wish I had been let down just a little bit easier. With some understanding on the part of the man that this is going to hurt, and I'm sorry ... It's nice, you know?

She's really in it now, not trying to protect herself or play it cool, and she says, "Who?"

He says (and he does that thing guys do that kills me - his eyes kind of roam over her hair, her face, back to her eyes - it's hot, frankly - and tender), "You don't know her. She's in college." Terrible line for Patty to hear! How can one compete with a girl in college? He's REALLY a man! She can't speak, lowers her head, and he lifts up her chin with his hand. Ouch. Says, "You're not gonna cry, are you?"


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I DIED watching this as a teenager. DIED.

She replies, "Yes. I mean no."

He's gentle, he feels bad. He starts to say, "I never meant to make you think that -" and this is when Patty gets herself together, starts to channel Lauren (who obviously loves old movies) and starts to put poor Larry at ease. She stands taller and exclaims, "Larry, you needn't reproach yourself. I understand perfectly. I've had some experience with this sort of thing before, you know."

He doesn't laugh. He says, "Really?" She nods, reassuring him. She is a woman of the world. She can handle this! Again, he doesn't laugh at her. He says (and this is a heart-cracker of a line - totally sincere, but what a knife in the heart): "Because I think you're a terrific kid with a lot of potential."

Kid?? But how nice he is there. And that's not an easy line to pull off and make it sound like, yeah, Larry Simpson says shit like that, and THAT is why he is popular - but Ben Marley pulls it off. He means it. But "kid"? Throw me in the open grave right now.

I love this next line of Patty's, because she channels Now Voyager (hmm, a connecting link to Bette Davis!): "Don't give it another thought. Why ask for the moon when we have the stars?"

Now he feels it's safe to smile. She's being very dramatic, but not obnoxious, and he appreciates her. It's okay to appreciate her. Killer closeup of him staring at her, with a strange mixture of tenderness, humor, and "if you were four years older" regret - and he says, "You certainly have an unusual mind for a kid your age."


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She is sad but brave, and says, "I think I'll go join my friend now." and turns to leave when he says (and it's startling), "Patricia ..."

Out of nowhere, he calls her "Patricia". Patricia? What a grown-up name, after he's been calling her a "kid" for five minutes.

Nice writing. Nice touch.


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She stops, and he walks over to her and slowly bends down and kisses her on the cheek, lingering there for a bit, and when he pulls back from kissing her, this sort of calm happy light comes over her face - and as he walks off, you can see Lauren dash over to get all the details ("I wish he wore lipstick so we could see the exact place where his lips touched your flesh!") ... but what was nice about the moment was that he made turning her down into a work of art, where he actually left her in a better spot than where she was before. He was tender enough that she would never be humiliated in looking back on it, he was honest with her, and then, out of nowhere, he calls her "Patricia", intimating, "some day, kid, some day ..."


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Afterwards, although Patty is crushed, and Lauren is now plotting their next move ... they decide to finally allow poor Marshall and Johnny (who have been trailing around behind them like Prince Philip all night) to dance with them, and the pilot closes with the four square pegs gyrating around to the Waitresses ... they will survive!


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Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (8)

February 25, 2009

The "Square Pegs" pilot: In hot pursuit of popularity and Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley)

Square Pegs opens with a collage-style credit-sequence, with flashing images of various high school scenes (unpopulated, in a kind of bleached-out color scheme): the biology lab, the library, the hallway, the bathroom ... all with the frenzied voiceover of the two girls as accompaniment.

Let's go through it, shall we?

Memory Lane, revisited. First, let us revel in, what is for me at this moment, the most important fact of all.

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Mkay?

Crucial to my emotional well-being.

The pilot starts with a pep rally for the freshman class on their first day of school at Weemawee High. A high school kid dressed in full American Indian regalia runs around the auditorium brandishing a tomahawk, wearing a full feather headdress, and doing an Indian war whoop. Today he would be sent to mandatory sensitivity training. But in the world of Square Pegs, he is revered. Such is progress.

Patty and Lauren (Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Linker) sit amongst the crowd, and look around, ogling at the other students and trying to figure out who is the "in" crowd. Actually, that is more Lauren's job, who is more ambitious than Patty. Patty has given her glasses to Lauren, so she can't see anything anyway.

Tracy Nelson and her boyfriend Vinnie make a big entrance, and walk down the aisle of the gym as though it is a red carpet. Member those couples in high school? They were celebrities!


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Does she look just like her father or what?


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The laugh track on the show is really subtle, barely there. It's kind of refreshing.

Lauren is plotting her way up the social ladder. You know it will be an uphill battle.

We meet Muffy Tepperman who shouts at the gathered students as though she's running an Aryan Youth camp. She is obsequious towards the principal (Mr. Dingleman), so obsequious that you wonder if Jim Lipton had something to do with her portrayal. Mr. Dingleman introduces LaDonna, who will give "her rendition of the Weemawee Alma Mater - in her own style." LaDonna sashays onto the stage, in full Cyndi Lauper slash Jane Fonda's workout tape regalia - all leggings and long sweatshirts, and she performs the alma mater as though she is DEBORAH Gibson. Muffy Tepperman looks on, horrified, as though LaDonna has decided to rap the Gettysburg Address. LaDonna doesn't care what Muffy thinks. She dances around, singing, the class claps, it is an impromptu concert. The Weemawee song involves the words "virgin spring" which I imagine causes much hilarity among the students. As LaDonna sings, the American Indian cliche dances around the gym. Off to sensitivity training for you, bub!

Let the school year begin!

Patty and Lauren make their way into the hellhole that is a high school cafeteria. Where to sit? Lauren, of course, knows they need to sit with the "in" crowd, so they plop themselves down at a table with Jennifer (Tracey Nelson) and LaDonna (Claudette Wells). Jennifer and LaDonna act as though little squirmy bugs have just joined their party. Ew. Jennifer is particularly relentless, honing in on Sarah Jessica Parker's lunch box. "Did your mommy pack that for you ... with, like ... baggies and everything?" So mean.

The good thing about Lauren and Patty, and why they were fun heroines, is that they weren't crushed down by this kind of behavior. They didn't slink away, victimized. Parker saves the day by making a big lofty speech about how they realize they are not wanted, using huge vocabulary words, and the two friends flounce off, somehow becoming the victors of the moment.

BUT.

BUT.

Let me backtrack a moment. Jennifer and LaDonna have a conversation before Patty and Lauren barge over to sit with them.


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Jennifer is bemoaning the fact that Vinnie isn't all that deep (which is hilarious because Jennifer is the least deep fictional character ever created). She says to LaDonna (although she calls her "LD"), "You know who I, like, like?" LaDonna who is horrified and kind of judgey (because Jennifer already has a boyfriend) says "Who??" Jennifer glances longingly across the cafeteria and says, with import and meaning, "Larry Simpson."

We see who she is looking at.


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Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley) is being fed ... like a PASHA.

Isn't that how hot nice guys seemed in high school when you stared at them from the faraway vantage point of freshman geekery? They seemed like desirable PASHAS, surrounded by giggling gorgeous acolytes, and there was no way on earth that you could ever get "in there" ... Girls like that acted as a Praetorian guard of sorts! Territorial, protective, loving, vicious.

So anyway. Larry Simpson. In all his cute high school glory.


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At this moment, Patty and Lauren race over and sit down with Jennifer and LD, Lauren saying, "Who's Larry Simpson??"

Scene goes along as follows, with brief moments when all the girls drool over said Larry across the room.


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But of course Jennifer and LD do not allow Patty and Lauren to infiltrate their clique, and make snotty comments about braces and lunch boxes until the two losers are forced to flee.

They then sit down with these two characters.


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Man, doesn't it bring you back? Unlike Jennifer and LD, Marshall and Johnny Slash are NOT horrified at Patty and Lauren. Just the opposite. Marshall sees an opportunity to try out his new comedy routines (his sense of comedy was arrested with Sid Caesar apparently), and also to hang out with the mysterious entity known as GIRLS. Johnny Slash is hidden behind shades and walkman, and when he realizes there are GIRLS at the table, he gets very nervous. Marshall calms him down. Johnny Slash has obviously been kept back many times, he appears to be about 25 years old ... and he is "New Wave" ... his whole life is "New Wave". He is a rigid fascist about music, style, and labels. Patty innocently asks him if he is "punk" and he gets all offended.

Lauren, of course, is kind of a snob, and realizes immediately that these two guys are on the same echelon ... and barely gives them the time of day. They need to move UP, not SIDEWAYS.

Marshall is so insistent with his ba-dum-ching comedy routines that Johnny Slash eventually picks him up and walks him away.


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What ridiculous rapscallions. I love them both.

Patty and Lauren are now in a dilemma. They begin to flush Patty's food down the toilet at school so that she need not go through the humiliation of lunch boxes any more (but also not piss off her mother who packs the lunch with "like, baggies and everything ...") I think flushing it down the toilet is rather high maintenance and believe that just stuffing the sandwich and yogurt and whatever else into a trash can would also do the trick, but no ... flushing is what needs to happen.

The two girls huddle in the bathroom during lunch time, and they run into Jennifer and LD who say kind welcoming things to them like, "Gross me out the door ..."

Muffy Tipperman also barges in at one point, in monogrammed preppy garb, and basically ropes them into the decorating committee for the upcoming freshman dance - "because you don't have anything better to do ..." she states.


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Lauren, however, has other plans. She has set her sights on Larry Simpson. If they can somehow get in with him, they will be golden. Patty is doubtful. How will they ever get close to Larry Simpson who is, first of all, Ben freakin' Marley, is, second of all, a senior, and lastly, a PASHA? Impossible!

But lo and behold, a miracle occurs.

Patty has been skipping lunch all week, due to the lunch box dilemma, and she walks up the stairwell, and suddenly gets weak in the knees, and has to sit down.

And who sits down next to her, joking, "Do you come here often?" but the pasha himself, Larry Simpson.


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The worst part (and by "worst" I mean "best") of this portrayal is that not only is he cute and desired by everyone, but also a nice guy. (Calling Keith M., phone call for Keith M.!) Killer combo. He saw the freshman Patty collapse on the stairs and he sits down, and is nice to her. He wonders if he should go for the school nurse. She tries to reassure him she's okay. He jokes with her, and he's so sexy (in that kind carefree high school boy way that is so effective you basically want to commit hari-kiri immediately) and also nice that it takes her a second to realize what is happening. That Larry Simpson is talking and joking with her. She doesn't freak out immediately. She starts to talk about her lunch, and how she felt light-headed and just had to sit down. He's trying to lighten her up, joke with her, being charming. Says, "What do you think Marcus Welby would do in a situation like this?"


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Talk about looking like your father.



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At some point, Patty realizes what is happening, and interrupts her monologue about fainting on the stairwell, with saying, "You're Larry Simpson!" You know, guys like that were like stars in high school. I loved Tina Fey's observation about that in the DVD extras for Mean Girls, how there were certain people in high school who were like celebrities - and the student body knew everything about them ... what they wore, their relationship ups and downs, their fights, their dramas ... the consciousness of the class revolved around these lucky few. So Patty breathes, "You're Larry Simpson!" in the same tone that one would say, oh, "You're Ben Marley!" (for example).


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Instead of being cocky about her awestruck face, he is kind. (I mentioned in this post on Skyward the similarity between what he was doing in Skyward with what he did in Square Pegs - minus the cowboy hat and sexy ADD jangling-leg swagger). He played nice guys. Popular, sure, guys who look like that usually end up popular ... but nice, too. So he's kind to Patty. Look out, though, when you are kind to geek wallflowers. It might come back and bite you in the ass.


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Ah, teenage adoration. When you are young enough to think that the one you love is perfect, and THAT is why you love him.

Then comes the most exciting moment of all, seen from the perspective of a 14-year-old square peg. Larry Simpson says to her, "You hungry? Want to get something to eat?"

So he takes her out to lunch at the local joint, where pretty much only cool kids get to go (similar to the damn Peach Pit in Beverly Hills 90210) ... it's like getting a glimpse of Xanadu's mythical "pleasure dome" for Patty ... and to show that, the booth they are sitting in starts to whirl around, with romantic music, and he's feeding her, and they're laughing, and time not only stands still, but stretches out, elongates, is made golden, and creamy, and delicious ... In truth, they probably just had some fries and talked about school, but as anyone who was in love in 14 knows, it FEELS like the booth is spinning around in a golden drenched light!

Poor Patty! She's headed for a fall!


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I don't know, I'm a grown woman now, and I still find him handsome and adorable. That's not the case with all of my crushes from my youth, where I look back on it and think, What the eff did I see in that guy?

Flies preserved in amber, these Square Pegs episodes. I remembered all of it. Not to mention Ben Marley's huge charm, which was just perfect for me as a young lonely teenager. I could look at him and say, "THAT'S what I want." Ridiculous, I realize, but fantasies like that help get you through rough spots. (Not just when you're 14, I might add.)

SO. OH MY GOD LARRY SIMPSON TOOK HER OUT TO LUNCH.

Yes, she has launched herself into a fantasy-world where there is no escape, except through heartache, but that's part of life too.

During gym class Lauren tries to get all caught up on this miraculous experience as they run around the track. As I mentioned, this is (for me) the main strength of the show: the friendship between the two girls. Lauren could have been jealous that it was PATTY and not HER who was "chosen" by Larry Simpson, but instead she is more excited than even Patty is, and literally collapses into a writhing heap onto the track, moaning, "This is so romantic!" Now that's a friendship moment I recognized from my own life.


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Second half coming up ....

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBack

February 24, 2009

"Square Pegs": a personal reminiscence coming from a "totally different head"

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Hard to believe that Square Pegs only ran for one season. It's one of those glitches in the programming instinct of the powers-that-be that happens from time to time (I am thinking now of one of the heirs of Square Pegs - My So-Called Life), and you look back on it, thinking, 'That show should have run at least for a couple of seasons." Square Pegs was a hit (well, as I remember it it was, I don't know what the ratings were - WE all were watching it down on the ground) and in the 20-odd years since then, people's affection for it has only grown. People still remember the names of the characters by heart. How often does that happen? Muffy Tepperman. Johnny Slash. You have to be a certain age, obviously, to get the references - but to think that a show that was on for only one season would hit, and on such a deep level, is rather extraordinary. It also had a "cool" factor going on, with guest spots by Devo, The Waitresses, Bill Murray.

Speaking on a personal level, that show hit at just the time when I was moving into the whirlwind of adolescence. What it showed was what I was experiencing. It was similar to the bomb going off in my group of friends when Breakfast Club came out. These things now can be seen as almost relics, almost cute, or coy - because they were so of their time and place, kind of like watching Beach Blanket Bingo or something. "Oh, look how funny they wore their hair back then! Listen to the music!" But on the ground, in the moment, we weren't "ironic" or into it because it made fun of us and where we were at and the music we listened to. It validated us.

Now there is all kinds of art, and I'm not putting Square Pegs on a level with, oh, Andrei Rublev ... but neither should it be. All art does not have the same goals. Rebel Without a Cause or Catcher in the Rye may seem silly when you have passed the stage in life when you need to hear what they have to say. That's fine. But teenagers, in all their messiness and awfulness, are - like all of us still, as adults - looking for a mirror. A mirror that was not given to them by their parents, but one that is out in the world. I had, up until that point, found my mirror in books. Harriet the Spy, Ballet Shoes, Wrinkle in Time, Huckleberry Finn. I was not a pop-culture kid. How could I be? To quote Mark, we "only had three channels". I had parents who loved folk music and The Beatles so that's what I listened to (and still do, although I mix it up with my own taste too). Top 40 didn't make a dent in my consciousness. I wanted to live in the world of Oliver Twist. I was 12, but I was still a little girl. When I started growing breasts in the 6th grade, I doggedly slept on my stomach to try to push them back in again. I wasn't ready. I loved baseball, I was on a Little League team (before they had girls teams), I loved living in my imagination, and making up dances after school with my friends. I was dragged kicking and screaming into adolescence.

But then, along came a mirror called Square Pegs. And it managed to act as a mirror without being ponderous or preachy or too melancholic. It's kind of a hoot, actually. This show was funny. But that deeper level was there, and that's why it is so remembered.

Those two lead girls, Patty (in glasses, played by a geeky Sarah Jessica Parker) and Lauren (the pudgy girl with braces, more effervescent and embarrassing, played by Amy Linker) were like me. I didn't care about being popular, I wasn't a social climber like Lauren - but I certainly didn't fit in, and I had glasses, braces, my clothes were wrong, and I looked around at other girls and they just seemed so put together, and what ... did I miss a memo? Patty and Lauren had missed the memo, too. And better than all of this: they made it FUNNY. The show made the trials and tribulations of geeks FUNNY. It was a precursor to Freaks and Geeks, to all of the wonderful shows about the weirdo yet charming outcasts of the world that now dominate the airwaves. So I kind of could embrace my weirdness. Not totally, because yuk, I wasn't into being weird, and un-dateable. But it, like so many other key things that came along at key times (uhm, Skyward), said to me in no uncertain terms: "Hang on. You're kind of fabulous. You're just a weirdo right now. Don't try to change. Your time will come."

I'M STILL WAITING, BY THE WAY.

So the message was a big fat LIE from where I'm sitting now, but I am trying to imagine myself back into my 14-year-old self who thought it was appropriate to dress up like this on dress-up days at school, mkay? To quote my friend Beth, "And then we wondered why we didn't have boyfriends."

The other great thing about Square Pegs which was a mirror for me was the importance of having a good core group of friends. Now, I already had that. I have always been blessed that way. My friends from high school are still my dear friends, everyday friends, they comment on my blog, we Facebook like crazy, we are still in each other's lives in an intimate way, even though we live in different spots now. One of the strengths of Square Pegs was that it wasn't just ONE geeky girl trying to become popular. It was a constant strategizing session between TWO girls, who were obviously best friends. Their friendship was one I recognized from my own life (and that rarely happens with female friendship on television - which often is depicted in a catty competitive or shallow way - none of which was going on with my group of friends - we were a huge bottomless pit of support and shrieking encouragement.) It had a good heart, Square Pegs. Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Linker, as Patty and Lauren, created a believable friendship. You believed those girls had been having slumber parties since they were eight. You believed they had known each other forever. Girls can be very intense with each other, and the show got that, and didn't condescend to it. Watching it now can be kind of embarrassing, because you remember all the melodramas you involved yourself in in high school and you want to erase it from the public record (unless you're like me, and you put your high school journals on the internet) ... but thank God you had friends you could feverishly fill in about the big moment of chatting you had with some hottie at his locker, and how important it all was, and how since he said THIS that obviously means THIS and OH MY GOD HE LIKES YOU (etc. etc.) My friends and I have moved on to be capable adults, with relationships and kids and houses and all that, but I love that I am still friends with the people who literally caught me when I swooned at a dance after dancing with the guy I was in love with (who was in a toga, too, so OUR SKIN TOUCHED which was a big deal for a girl who wouldn't end up getting her first kiss until she was 18 freakin' years old), or who listened sympathetically when I SOBBED because he wasn't in school that day, and I was just so disappointed.

Condescend to your younger self at your own risk.

You lose so much when you forget who you were. When you roll your eyes at how "stupid" you were, or "foolish". Embrace it. It's part of you. Sometimes it's the best part. If nothing else, man, I knew how to love back then. I had ZERO success at it, but boy did I know how to love someone! That's nothing to scoff at.

Square Pegs was not released on DVD until May of last year. It was another one of those strange annoying glitches. I have my pet peeves. Why the hell is thirtysomething not on DVD? Is it a music rights issue (which holds so many of these shows back)? I don't care WHAT it is, that show needs to be released. I have a couple others. Secret Garden, starring Margaret O'Brien and a child Dean Stockwell. I cannot BELIEVE that this is not available on DVD. It's a travesty. It seriously MUST happen. Sounder! Are you telling me Sounder is not on DVD? I can't believe it. I have it on VHS, but come on now.

Square Pegs, along with all these others, had been a bee in my bonnet for years, since old TV shows started becoming available on DVD. "Yay! I can watch I Love Lucy - hooray! But what about Square Pegs?"

I am sure its release had something to do with the unstoppable juggernaut that was the Sex and the City movie, but I didn't care about any of that. I was just happy to have that show again in my sweaty little hands, so I could relive the horror of high school, but also laugh my ass off at all of those characters I remembered so well. It was strange how much came back to me. Lines of dialogue, scenes ... "Oh wait ... isn't there some scene in the bathroom with a plunger right around here?" I was always right. So strange and actually kind of freaky. I wish I could remember OTHER things, like all the Latin I took in high school ... but no, I have entire episodes of Square Pegs memorized, not to mention every camera angle in the legendary Skyward. I want my Latin back!

The funniest thing about all of this, at the moment, is that I watched the entire series last June, after I bought the DVD. Had a great time, yuk yuk. Then Suzy Gilstrap came along in November and hijacked my life. Ben Marley took on more importance, as I watched Skyward, and I remembered the impact he had on me as that awkward girl on the cusp of just accepting I was not only a girl but a weird girl ... and so I looked him up and, naturally, realized that I had seen him many many many many times before. Facts of Life. Check. Jaws 2. Check. Pride of Jesse Hallam. Check. Square Pegs. Check. That TV movie starring Mare Winningham as a girl who goes back to high school after being a teenage streetwalker? Check. And then of course Apollo 13. Check. (Thank you, Lisa, for the checklist.) Seen them all, all throughout my life. I just hadn't put it all together (the Ben Marley thread of connection, I mean). I hadn't followed him, in the way I followed Ralph Macchio or Harrison Ford. He remained an isolated cute guy, but gotta say: in Square Pegs he was devastating - and I remember him very well from back when I first saw it - just the kind of guy who would crack your heart in a million pieces in high school ... and just attainable enough that it makes the whole situation even worse. Once I figured out his continuum (as of two weeks ago, after seeing Skyward, when Keith and Dan and I IMDB'd him to DEATH), I remembered him vividly and put it all together. Of COURSE he was Larry Simpson in Square Pegs. I remember his face, I remember their moments - I would expect nothing less!


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"Larry Simpson is like ... deep ... you know? Vinnie can fake ID any time ... but you can't ... fake ........... depth."

I have such affection for those characters, it's insane.

I love Tracy Nelson as Jennifer DeNuccio, the popular dead-eyed fashion-plate Valley Girl beeyotch. I love Vinnie, Jennifer's swaggering Welcome Back Kotter boyfriend, who is always chewing on a toothpick, played by Jon Caliri. I also loved Claudette Wells as LaDonna, the black girl (the only black girl in Weemawee? Seemed like it), who palled around with Jennifer, and basically started off the entire series by singing the alma mater at a school pep rally "in her own style", which was reminiscent of Madonna. So unfortunately the one black girl is also a song-and-dance queen. But she was very funny and intimidating as a character, and I loved that her best friend was the Valley Girl. It's a nice and un-obvious choice, but that's the way life is, so often.


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I adore Jami Gertz as Muffy Tepperman, the bossy preppy pep-squad queen, who hadn't a shred of humor about herself or anything. She is so annoying and very very funny.


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I love John Femia as Marshall Blechtman, another annoying character, who wants to be a stand-up comedian and he is terrible. I loved Johnny Slash, played with great weirdness by Merritt Butrick - and the music he loved was the music that I loved by that point, so I felt a kinship to him. Every time Marshall would take Johnny's ubiquitous headphones off, you could hear some other cool song playing - B-52s, for example - "Private Idaho", I think was one of them. He was me. I get it, Johnny Slash, I love that music too!


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So there's our main cast (I'll be focusing on Ben Marley as Larry Simpson soon enough!). These people have, like so many other characters, stayed in my brain for all this time. You know, you say "Johnny Slash" to someone of a certain age, and they will nod, and reply, "Totally different head."

The show was on for one damn season.

Remarkable.


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"Square Pegs": Jami Gertz as Muffy Tepperman

I had forgotten how funny she is in this. She's funny in every line, every gesture. It is over-the-top old-movie-star Gloria Swanson behavior, all gesture and eyeball action, and it's hilarious.

For instance, in the pilot (you know, starring Ben Marley), The Waitresses show up to play for the freshman dance. Because, you know, that's how things happen at Weemawee High. Muffy Tepperman, as head of the social club, introduces The Waitresses with much ridiculous self-important fanfare. She says that The Waitresses will be "bigger than the Eagles".

They start to play "I Know What Boys Like" ... and please ... first of all, just look at Jami Gertz in the background. It's hilarious. And then watch how she dances. Muffy, please!

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The "Square Pegs" opening: a refresher course before we get to Ben Marley

I am sure to those of you of a certain age group, this will all sound very familiar. Maybe you even have it memorized, by osmosis. I can't remember algebra, but I remember this opening voiceover.

"Listen, I've got this whole high school thing psyched out. It all breaks down into cliques."
"Cliques?"
"Yeah, you know - cliques. Little in groups of different kids. All we have to do is click with the right clique and we can finally have a social life that's worthy of us."
"No way. Not even with cleavage!"
"I told you. This year we're gonna be popular."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Even if it kills us."



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February 20, 2009

More television commercials from "Skyward Christmas"

Keith, Dan and I enjoyed the commercials more than the movie itself.

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February 19, 2009

More 1980s commercials from "Skyward Christmas"

I feel shame. Yet also longing. Because this is my heritage.

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An awesome thing about my DVD of "Skyward Christmas":

It's better than most of the acting (except for Ben Marley) and certainly better than the script.

It is that there are 1980s-era commercials included. Keith, Dan and I were GOBSMACKED watching this. It is amazing to see how our entire culture, it feels like, has changed. It was like ruminating over ancient hieroglyphics or something - and this is from my lifetime! Pretty scary.

Here is an advertisement for an upcoming night of television on the same network.

Glorious. I so want to go back in time and see all of these shows.

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Barbara Mandrell ...

then:


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Doug Henning's world of magic ...

then:


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an expose about Rock Hudson's "close call" with heart surgery


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February 4, 2009

I find my joy where I can get it these days

And one of the things that brings me joy are the titles of the Judge Judy clips on Youtube. I love them almost more than the clips themselves (and that's saying a lot because I love Judge Judy).

Some examples. It just gets funnier and meaner as it keeps going.

Karate Kid Cries, Caned by Yapping Instructor

Crazy Mother Sues Drugged Up Son

Robust Boy-Toy Boots Texas Brunette Beauty

Careless Cocky Brother Scars Stout Sister's Jeep

Bimbo's Lil Blonde Whiplashed with Butch In-Law Gokarting

Horrid Cheating Trojan Twat, Humiliated on Judge Judy

Unethical Sexual Appetite - Part 1

Fiddling with Hair, Lying Asian Ass Empties Puerile's Paypal

Arrogant Slut Owes For Utilities

Stupid Bitch Owes Friend Money

Joseph And His Technicolor Confusion

Broad Shouldered Beauty Fears for Her Safety

Dirt Bike Madness

Leather Delusions Pt. 1

Blonde Air-Head Pwned

Trail Of Evidence Leads To Moron Pt. 1

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January 10, 2009

Reunion

In 1994, 1995, I lived in Chicago with Mitchell, and our friend Ken. Ken was a great guy who was also in Killer Joe with me, in Ithaca. Just a straight-up wonderful person. Over the years, I lost track of Ken, although I would hear of him through Mitchell and mutual friends - people running into him, he's doing well, he's well-known and well-liked. But I have not seen him or spoke to him since 1995. One of the things that we loved to do as roommates was gather around the TV every night at 11:30 (if I remember correctly) to watch thirtysomething, which Lifetime had purchased and was running in sequence. I taped every one of them (thank God, because the damn series has not been released on DVD, which is insane to me). Ken, who is a big salt-of-the-earth type, who wore backwards baseball caps, made some of the funniest weirdest comments as we watched. He had a whole different outlook. We'd be watching some episode, and he'd make some comment that would have us rolling on the floor with laughter. It was always something like, "You know she has smelly burps." Or "I am betting Ellen has hairy nipples." We'd be like, "WHAT????"

And then I moved to New York and this was before the Internet was in my life, and before Facebook, and I lost touch with a lot of people, Ken included.

Now, though, I am back in touch with him through Facebook. We haven't really spoken, just "friend"-ed each other, and my life has been a whirlwind over the last two months - well, two years, really - but I haven't been in a corresponding mood. No energy to spare. But I always had really fond memories of Ken, so it was nice to see his face again.

And yesterday afternoon, as the snow came down, and I was missing my brother - who had been staying with me - and missing my sisters and my mother and everyone - I sat at my computer and scanned probably 400 photos into my computer. I went into a fugue state. I posted some on Flickr, some on Facebook, I couldn't stop.

Suddenly, a little IM window popped up and it was Ken. No preamble. No "hey how are you?" He had left me a nice note telling me he was thinking of me - but in the IM he dispensed with niceties and got right to the point, picking up where we left off in 1995. I have not spoken to him since 1995. And here is our conversation from yesterday:


4:58 Ken
Why isn't 30something on DVD?
4:58pmSheila
I cant figure it out!!! What the eff???
Is it the music rights or something like that?
Mitchell and I still ROAR about some of your comments about that show. I remember you saying something about Hope along the lines of, "You just know she has pepperoni breath."
4:59pmKen
Frickin crime
4:59pmSheila
Totally!
It needs to come out in a deluxe edition, with special features, and interviews and all that crap.
4:59pmKen
Amen
5:00pmSheila
What was the name of that married douchebag that Ellen was fooling around with? We hated him SO MUCH
5:01pmKen
Have to think
I miss Miles Drentell
5:01pmSheila
JEFFREY
I miss Miles Drentell too. Brilliant.
5:02pmKen
Ugh
5:03pmKen
Ellen was a straight up mess
5:03pmSheila
Totally. I give her and Billy a year, tops.
5:03pmKen
Laughing Hard!!!!
5:04pmSheila
Me too!!!!!
Ahhh, Melissa and Lee. Let's hope they get over their age differences and make a go of it.
5:04pmKen
Poor Ethan....kid had issues
5:05pmSheila
Oh God. That kid should never be allowed near firecrackers and that's all I'm saying.
I feel that Gary was roped into domesticity, that it wasn't really his bag.
5:06pmKen
I agree....wild stallion needs to roam free
5:07pmSheila
Or die in a snowstorm. either one.



It is the small things, like that IM conversation, that keep me grounded, make me remember who I am, and that life is good. I'll keep comments open for now. Not sure.

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December 11, 2008

Rikki Tikki Tavi, TV (1975)

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Thanks to Melissa - in the comments to this post - I realized that Rikki Tikki Tavi, the cartoon I saw on television when i was 8 years old is on Youtube. It's in three parts. I just watched it again. It's fantastic. And it's just so interesting to me how memory works - that was so so long ago, but the images remain - especially the HORRIFYING moment during the first fight between Rikki Tikki Tavi and Nag when Nag's back flies towards the camera (you forget that you are watching something DRAWN as opposed to something ACTUAL) and for a sickening moment, his cobra markings take up the screen and go psychedelic. That was a horrifying moment for me as a child, as sickening as the moment, years and years later when I saw Vertigo and she emerged from the bathroom and the room went all green and you knew that he was mad. That's what I felt in that moment, as a small child ... that if I looked too long at that image I would go mad. The animals in the garden understood that well, and knew not to look directly at the cobra's eyes ... but those markings - turning colors - filling up the screen - It's one of the scariest moments of movies that I can remember from when I was a wee one. It felt like what happened, when the image went abstract, is that it insinuated itself into my brain. shivers. I remember that so clearly.

I have included that moment below in my screengrabs. You know what is so scary about it? It's gleeful. That's what it is. It reminds me of Pennywise, from Stephen King's It, the chortling cynical clown who ADORES how afraid you are. That's what that cobra marking gone to different colors and filling up the screen reminds me of. It is something scary that thinks it is hilarious how frightened you are.

Also, I did not realize that it was:

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I love how Rikki Tikki Tavi moves - how he fluffs out his tail, how he zips around and the tail zips around after him, and it feels like it takes a minute and a half for his tail to catch up.

The animation is superb.

The "set direction" is fantastic. I can feel that house. The Victorian-era lamps and portraits on the walls, the big fat chairs ... and I love the use of close-up foreground to way way background. It makes Rikki Tikki Tavi seem WAY too small to stand up to two angry cobras. He looks positively dwarfed in that house.

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God, that was so much fun to watch again. I love reencountering something I loved as a child and find that it holds up!

Grabbed some images off of Youtube.


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From the cell phone camera: "Check 1, 2, 3 ..."

Saturday Night Live sound check (for Mariah Carey) at 30 Rock.

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September 7, 2008

Judy Garland: "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Judy fans will know immediately what clip I have posted below - will know the year, the circumstances ... Mitchell was the one who first showed me this clip, years ago, and he actually made me watch it once with the sound down, just so he could show me how eloquent and simple she was in her gestures and singing expression ... There are moments when (if you watch it with the sound down) - you could almost believe that she was just speaking. Hard to imagine any of the young singers who contort their faces to get the sound out today being so quiet and simple and at ease with their own instrument.

The clip speaks for itself.

It's one of the most moving things I have ever seen, and I can only imagine what it was like to be there live. Garland was one of those rare singers who could fill up with emotion as she sang - without the throat constricting. It's remarkable, and I would imagine it was a mix of a gift of flexible and strong vocal cords - as well as an act of will. She will get the song out.

Here ... her sense of will ... takes on an almost life-or-death intensity which makes it difficult to watch at times. She is struggling against so much - her own emotion, the free-floating emotion that had to be present in the audience at that time, and the larger national sense of grief and loss ... But she keeps going.

It will not change the world. She is not a statesman. She is not a Nobel Peace winner. She is not a diplomat, an ambassador, a senator, or poet laureate. She is a singer. So in such a moment ... there is only one thing she can possibly contribute. A song.

Thank God it was on live television so that we can still watch it now.

I am in awe. I am also struck by how awkward she is, physically, and how much that works for her. Her gestures are sharp, choppy - she randomly hugs herself - flings her arm in the air ... and none of it feels planned. It's almost scary (but I know I am only saying that because we know how overly managed most singers are today ... they have TEAMS of people to make sure they never look awkward and to hide those "flaws" that actually might make them brilliant and original). Garland is not doing anything here - except living that song - and pouring her emotion into her voice and letting it out. The gestures were all from her heart - completely her own - and give the performance a ragged realism which still, after so many times watching it, has the potential to shock me.

(Alex has some more thoughts here.)

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August 13, 2008

Why I love Judge Judy:

The following clip.


I just think she's magnificent.

The last time I was in LA, Alex and I talked about going to see one of her tapings. Because along with a love of roller coasters, admiration of Lana Turner, obsession with kitty cats, the Manson family, Lucille Ball and American history, making fun of morons, adoration of great theatre, hatred of people who use air quotes and a fascination with all things $cientomogy ... we also share a love of Judge Judy. But alas it didn't happen. Next time in LA, I WILL GO SEE JUDGE JUDY. SHE CANNOT ESCAPE.

SHE IS MAGNIFICENT.


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July 11, 2008

"So You Think You Can Dance" - the Bollywood number

This is seriously one of the happiest most joyful things I have ever seen. We can't stop talking about it. I can't even break it down - the parts I love best ... it's all just (to quote Mitchell) "sheer liquid joy", as far as I'm concerned. I can't get enough.

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June 13, 2008

The shallow part of "shallow elitism"

So after two elitist posts (if by "elitist" you mean "talking about books" and making declarations that some things are better than others. If that is your criteria, I am one HELL of an elitist and proud of it!) - I figured I'd throw a bone to the shallow crowd, of which I am also a proud member.

(New readers, a word of explanation: A couple years ago, in one week alone, I got two bitchy emails - one from some jagoff ranting about how "elitist" I was because - well, basically because I wrote about things that HE didn't care about ... and the second email was from some snot ranting about how "shallow" I was because I was obsessed with Project Runway. There was something so FREEING in that one week of emails because I realized, head on, that I cannot please everyone. How on earth can one be a shallow elitist?? I don't know - but I know that I am!! The Sheila Variations: Bringing you Shallow Elitist content since 2002).

Here are some observations I have made of late:

-- Chemical.jpgSometimes I listen to songs by "My Chemical Romance" (and I like a lot of them), and my overriding feeling is: "Boys. Please. Calm the hell down. Take a deep breath, and CHILLAX."



-- I have a huge crush on Padma Lakshmi. Oh, and come to think of it, I have a crush on Tom Colicchio too. But Padma actually makes me nervous.

-- I am pretty bummed that Pacifica French Lilac Body Butter is so hard to find. My Whole Foods has their whole line of products - but not that one particular lotion. I am resisting buying it online because they charge 15 dollars shipping and handling or something like that.

-- I love Angelina Jolie and I wonder if we could be friends. I really hope so. I'm psyched to see Wanted. I love her as an actress but I am particularly in love with her in action films. Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a BLAST. She's one of the only actresses out there where I can pretty much believe that it is her doing all that crap - not a stunt woman. She's a lot of fun.

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-- I want Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List show to go on forever. If she ever becomes an A-list actress, I will be devastated because there goes that series, and I love every second of it.

-- I beg of you: follow the link and click through. What???

-- I will always, and I mean always, look back fondly on the first season of Rock of Love. Television just doesn't get any better than that. I mean, seriously. What I love best about the image below is that there is no irony in it. It is earnest. And deeply crazy. And I wish more people on the planet were deeply openly crazy, so I wouldn't feel so left out.

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Gorgeous.

-- Recently re-watched Eyes of Laura Mars and reveled in the sight of Tommy Lee Jones in bell bottom jeans, a black turtleneck and long hair.

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-- The Real Housewives of New York City cannot hold a candle to the GLORY of Real Housewives of Orange County. It just doesn't have the botox and fake boobs that made the Orange County version so awesome.

-- Speaking of Real Housewives of Orange County, I wonder how Lauri and George are doing. I actually have moments where the couple pops into my mind, and I think, "I hope they're happy together."

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-- You know what movie I saw recently and loved? Dan In Real Life. I think that might have to go on my Under-rated Movies List because (along with the incorrect marketing theme today) it was marketed wrong - it was marketed like a wacky 40 Year Old Virgin sequel - which made me not want to see it (as much as I loved 40 Year Old Virgin) - but what a pleasant surprise: it's a sweet well-written funny and poignant family drama - and I LOVED it. I'll do a review of it when I get out from underneath the pile of the project I am working on. Dane Cook was great, too - he belongs in an ensemble piece at this point in his career - he's not confident enough (as an actor, I mean) to carry a movie (yet), but he was terrific here. Everyone was.

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May 7, 2008

Where I Come From: Music, TV, Movies ....

A collage of childhood.


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And then came ....

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... and everything changed. In my memory it changed overnight.

No longer was I interested in bowl-cut Lance Kerwin, struggling against the school bully. No longer was I interested in the problems of ... er .... ecologically conscious wilderness families running for their lives from bears. No longer was I interested in puppets.

Nope. Let's watch that asteroid scene again, please.

Han Solo was a MAN.

I sat there watching that scene (at a drive-in, no less - in my pajamas - up way past my bedtime, crammed in a car with all of my cousins) - and knew I would never be the same again.

Lance Kerwin was my PAST. HAN SOLO was the future. No turning back.

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March 16, 2008

"Do I got the cash? Do you got the horse?"

My friend Joey is the star of this very funny award-winning commercial for an insurance company in Holland. I'd never seen it before, since it's strictly a European commercial - but it's up on Youtube. Hysterical! Joey plays "Vinnie", the at-first-competent-and-then-defeated star of the commercial. His shiny suit is killing me.

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March 15, 2008

Quantum Leap: Season 1, Ep. 4: "How the Tess Was Won" - Part 1

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LEAP INTO: August 5, 1956

Tess: If there's a man on this ranch who can keep up with me for one week - I'll marry him.

Sam Beckett leaps out of boxer Kid Cody in the 1970s and into "Doc" Daniel Young, a vet on a huge Texas ranch in the 1950s. He leaps into a muddy moment in a corral, where he is in the midst of wrestling with a squealing unhappy piglet.

(Had to break this one up into a two-parter! Here's part 1! Part 2 is below this post)

EPISODE 4: HOW THE TESS WAS WON - Part 1

tess35.jpgAs with any hour-long television show (especially one such as Quantum Leap - which is not really cumulative, and each episode has its own world and story and characters) - the writing has to be really efficient. Get to it. Don't dilly-dally. Who - what - where - why - when. GO. "How the Tess Was Won" starts, as I said, with Sam holding a squealing pig in a muddy paddock. Naturally he doesn't know who he is, where he is ... so every episode is a game of catch-up, for him (the script of this episode addresses explicitly some of the questions I've always had - like: how does he know where his character lives? What do you do when a character who obviously knows you, and knows you well, does not reveal his name to you? How do you get him to say it? Or someone else to say it? How do you "act like" you are this guy and you know your way around your own life?) But on a larger level, the writers of Quantum Leap, I think, were truly expert in this regard - because, in a way, we all, as viewers, were Sam - with each episode. He's our way in. We are as baffled as he is. We look around us at the new landscape - just 2 seconds ago we were in a boxing ring in Sacramento ... and now ... well, this ain't Sacramento no more. The writers waste no time in helping us out. It's efficient - but rarely simplistic! Quantum Leap was different from other series in that every episode needed a tiny bit of exposition. We almost start from scratch, each time. There aren't the same old characters that we can get comfortable with ... no. We are introduced to a new batch of people each time.

tess.jpgIn "How The Tess Was Won", we become immediately aware that an argument is going on between a man and a woman on the outskirts of the muddy area Sam is in. We get their names: Tess. Chance. But then Chance says something about, "Your mother, God rest her soul ... she would have raised you right ..." and you realize that Chance is her father. She just calls him by his first name (which is so hysterical and perfect once you get to know Tess better. Of course she wouldn't call him "Dad", which would imply that, in some way, he was better than her ... because HE WAS A MAN!) In this short exchange we learn everything: Tess is played by the spunky and not-quite-beautiful-but-awful-darn-cute Kari Lizer. She's got wild blonde hair, she wears no makeup, chaps, denim shirts, and when she gets dressed up for church later, she looks like an alien in human clothing. Tess wearing a sun hat and a pretty Sunday dress? No. She's a fierce tomboy. Perfectly cast. (She's an interesting actress. She's become a successful television producer as well, nominated for 4 Emmys for Will & Grace).

So in the first 30 seconds of this episode we learn that:

-- Tess is the owner of Riata - a 50,000 acre ranch in Texas. Or - she's an heiress, let's say that. When Chance dies, it will go to her.

-- Tess refuses to get married. Chance pleads with her. She is ornery. He is afraid that the ranch will be too much for her on her own. She bristles at that. She's yelling and carrying on. Chance is patient, reasonable - in the face of her freak-out.

-- Tess hates even the IDEA that she has to be married in order to be a legitimate ranch owner. It certainly wouldn't be the case if she were a MAN. So no. She will not act "like a mare" ... she will live her life as though she was a man. "I never was much for sashaying and swooning," she declares.

-- Chance says the line about Tess' mother. Says, "She'd have made a woman out of you, and not a cowboy." Tess fires back, "Why can't I be both?" Chance roars, "It ain't natural!"

-- Besides - who would she marry? She waves her hands at all the staring cowhands - and by the tone of her voice, we can tell that while they may be good cowboys, they are no great shakes as potential husbands. She says to Chance, "Any man I marry has to be more of a man than I am." She is convinced that no one on the ranch can out-ride, out-brand, out-rope, out-anything her. And you know what? She's probably right. Then she makes her fateful statement to Chance, "If there's one man on this ranch who can keep up with me for a week, I'll marry him." Uh-oh, Tess. You can't go back on that now! A REAL man can't take back a promise! Chance takes her up on the challenge and tells her to pick a man for the contest. Just to be ornery probably, because she doesn't really want to get married (although, at the end, there's a bit of a twist in our understanding of her emotional life - which is really nice, handled really well) - she points her finger at poor bewildered muddy Sam, still holding the pig, and states, "Doc."

This causes a brou-haha. There's one particular cowboy who seems bummed about it (he's played by the wonderful and handsome Marshall Teague - still working constantly - he's fantastic) - but you know, they're all cowboys. They play their cards close to the chest.

tess2.jpgSam, not quite realizing yet what he has gotten himself into, remains oblivious and, well, frightened of the pigs around him. He's NOT a vet. He doesn't know what the hell he is supposed to be doing with these pigs. It becomes obvious that Doc is treated with bemused tolerance by the cowboys. He's a creature of fun to them, but they aren't mean. I'm reading the Master & Commander series now - and it reminds me a bit of the way Dr. Maturin is treated by the sailors - when he asks questions, or how he climbs the ladder into the boat - it totally reveals that he doesn't know anything about sea life - and they laugh at him, and condescend to him, but they also have great fondness for him. They love him. It's a similar dynamic here.

Sam, who always has that dual struggle going on (how do I "act like" I'm this man - whoever he is, and also "what am I here to do so I can just DO IT and then LEAP") - agrees to the contest, without really understanding what he is agreeing to. He's afraid to make any big moves, or (to use improv terminology) "say No" to anything - he's in the middle of a perpetual improv game, where he must always "say Yes" (Mick Napier notwithstanding) and then figure it out later.

Sam agrees to the ridiculous contest and then gets into the nearby jeep (how does he know it's his??) and drives off. Now, regardless of whether or not we ask the question: How does he know which way to drive?? - I just have to point out (for the 100th time in this Quantum Leap series) - the superior quality of the production design and the cinematography. This is high-end stuff, the series looks really high-end to me - like a mini-movie every week. The cinematographer and the director had Sam get into his rickety jeep and drive off, through this spectacular pioneer wilderness - and we get a long shot of the jeep, with the dust rising behind it - and suddenly, like a miracle, a flock of birds rises, something we had not discerned before (there were birds there?) - and their launching into flight, as one, is just a beautiful effect - accidental, of course, to some degree (one cannot control a flock of birds) - and I don't know how they "planned" that accident to happen - but however it occurred, I am truly glad it did. Because look at it. It's just beautiful.

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Moments like that is what elevated this series into something quite special. The acting of the two leads did so as well, but their work was greatly served by the specificity and beauty of the design around them. All hands on deck for a big round of applause. Television is a collaboration. Shots like that are the result.

Now comes the bit where we get, really, the first voiceover from Sam where he tells us what it is like for him, during these leaps - how does he find his way home? In this case, he has remembered his last name, and that he is a vet, and so he sees a mailbox labeled Young DVM - and he knows - Okay. I live here.

tess5.jpgWhen he arrives at his house, there's a young man, maybe 15 or 16 years old, sitting on his front porch, strumming a guitar. I have to say, he looks vaguely familiar. This is the set-up for one of the most famous "Kisses with History" that Quantum Leap had - and, for my taste, the most successful. In my experience, many of the brushes with actual historical events in Quantum Leap, take away from the actual STORY. I'm not wacky about a lot of them. They seem unnecessary. I can see how it would be hard to resist - but many times, you don't need it. The fact that Sam has jumped in time is enough weirdness, you don't need to add to it - by having him inadvertently cause the Watergate break-in by leaving a door unlocked (and etc. etc.) The "Kisses With History" did evolve, as the show went on - "How the Tess Was Won" was in the first season, after all, when they were still finding their way ... and many of the later episodes in later seasons either have no Kisses With History - or they go right for the jugular, like having Sam leap into Lee Harvey Oswald - which is FAR more compelling, I think. I mean, how many of us haven't thought: Man, if I ran into Mohammad Atta in a dark alley on Sept. 10, 2001, and I knew what he was going to do the next day ... would I kill him?? Or: If I met a lonely Viennese painter named Adolf Hitler in the 1920s and I knew what he was going to do - would I have the courage to just stab him in his sleep? And etc. So that particular Quantum Leap episode (which is a two-parter, if I recall correctly), dives straight into those very human questions - and looks at it, struggles with it, ponders it. That, to me, was very effective. Many of the other "Kisses With History" just felt like tricks. Cheap, in a sense.

But - to make myself clear - I REALLY like the one in "How The Tess Was Won". It's set up as an ongoing joke through the entire episode: what the heck is the name of that boy with the coke-bottle glasses who plays guitar on my porch every day? Why doesn't anyone tell me HIS NAME? And so the payoff at the end is fantastic. It really works.

The kid on the porch is not playing a song we recognize. He's just messing around - and the joke is made clear from the first scene: he sings about whatever he sees at that moment. A chicken walks by, the chicken makes it into the song, etc. He's not really writing songs yet - and again, this will pay off hugely in the last moment of the episode.

Sam gets out of the jeep, muddy, holding the little pig that he is supposed to somehow diagnose - and struggles up the steps, feeling awkward because the kid is talking to him ("I watered the animals - what's wrong with that pig?") - and he doesn't know the kid's name. The kid gets up to leave - and Sam stands there, like a dope, saying, 'So long" - knowing it's awkward that he wouldn't say "So long ________ [whatever your name is, kid"]. As the kid drives off, poor Sam looks up at the sky and says, "Couldn't you provide people with name tags?" A jokey reference to God - (or "fate, or time, or whatever" - they openly acknowledge from the first episode of this series that Sam is NOT in charge of his own leaping - that Al and Ziggy have no idea where he will go next - and that "someone else" seems to be in charge. And you'd have to have seen the entire series all the way to the last episode to get the TRUE payoff of this ongoing theme. That last episode is killer - and it's particularly strange becuase they didn't know it was going to be the last episode when they filmed it. But God, what a perfect perfect way to end this series! But I'll get to that episode when I get to it. In about 2011, at the rate I'm going.)

tess6.jpgAl makes his appearance at this moment. He appears on the porch beside Sam, and instead of getting right to business - instead of talking about the leap, and where Sam is, and what Sam is here to do - Al seems more concerned with talking about Tina's tattoo (his girlfriend) - and he has an odd, almost suspicious, air to him. He wants to know if Sam ever saw Tina's tattoo. "But no, you wouldn't have, would you. Because it's on a very private part of her anatomy." Al still seems concerned, though. His main question here is: "Sam. Did you ever see Tina's tattoo???" Which is just so hysterical. Who CARES, Al? You're in the middle of one of the greatest experiments that man has ever known - your friend is leaping through time - and whenever you show up, you start babbling about your personal life back in the future. It is SO funny. And, to my taste, it is THE key to the success of this series. There are many other elements that went in to making it a success - but Al's general vibe of.... irritation at being interrupted from his complicated and eternal domestic dramas ... is such a nice touch. And they kept it going, without making it too much of "a bit". Al is not a do-gooder. Sam is way more of a do-gooder than Al is (although we will find out more about Al as the series goes on). If Al showed up as a passionate do-gooder, the series would have been insufferable. It wouldn't have had the humor it did. And Sam's constant frustration with his friend - like: why on earth is he grilling me about Tina's tattoo when there are other more important issues at hand: like: WHO AM I? WHERE AM I? WHAT WAS THAT KID'S NAME? WHAT IS THIS CONTEST I'VE AGREED TO? - is so funny. The series, in its essence, is about the relationship between these two men. And thank God for it. It grounds the entire enterprise. Aren't the two of them just so watchable together? They have a great dynamic. So back to our episode. Al stands there, as Sam gets out of his muddy pants - on the porch - and Al is acting very strange. (Or, stranger than usual). He seems to feel that Sam has somehow moved in on Tina. Which is totally retarded because Sam is trapped in the past - how on earth could he have made a move on Tina and seen her intimate tattoo? But Al is obsessed. Sam is exasperated and tells Sam that he barely remembers Tina at all - remember that whole "swiss cheese" brain thing? Al relents a bit and then confesses - and there is this funny exchange - which might not seem funny in just the lines themselves - but watch how these two actors play it!!:

Sam: Tina's cheating on you?
Al: Can you believe it?
Sam: It boggles the mind.

Sounds pretty straightforward - but Dean Stockwell and Scott Bakula add layers upon layers to each of their lines - it's a comedy slam-dunk. Al, as usual, is obviously not faithful to Tina (the girlfriend) - which he confesses openly. "At the Christmas party when I took Samantha into the stockroom ....... to .... exchange Christmas presents ...... someone made a move on Tina ..." So, you know, Al doesn't really have a leg to stand on. (Once we know Al's backstory, about the wife he lost, all of these romantic dramas take on a totally poignant aspect - which is rather phenomenal if you think about it. The man is a dog. A DOG. He leads with his cock. But what might be behind that behavior? What is really going on with Al? But I'm already quantum-leaping ahead of myself. All we know now, in Episode 4, is that Al is lecherous, and also kind of has a double-standard: HE can cheat ... but Tina? How DARE she cheat on him?? He's kind of a fragile personality, for all his tough cigar-chomping military-hero brou-haha. I love him. He's totally lovable.)

Sam wanders around Doc's house (oh, and let's notice that there is NOT a "mirror moment" - at least not when we expect there to be one - usually Sam rushes right to a mirror to see what he looks like as this new character - this doesn't happen in "How the Tess Was Won" - Sam is too consumed with trying to cure the pig, and trying to gear up for this cowboy contest thing that's going to happen ... When the mirror moment comes, at the very end, it packs a really nice punch - but I'll talk about that when I get to it.)

tess8.jpgThere's an office to the side - filled with caged animals - raccoons, bunnies, whatever - Sam goes to the desk (still holding the baby pig, let's remember) and starts trying to diagnose the animal. Al, in his ridiculous spats-like shoes, strolls around the cages, and all of the animals can see him - it is clear, from their responses to him. So animals perceive him. We learn in later episodes that very young children can see him, too. A nice touch, a nice comment on the open-ness and accessibility of children - they don't question it, they see a hologram and think, "Whatever. Who is that nice man with the cigar?"

A quick thing about this scene: Sam rummages around in the fridge, and takes out a baby bottle full of milk - asks Al, over his shoulder, "Do pigs like milk?" Al answers immediately, "They adore it!" Then in a couple of seconds, Sam says, "I wonder what's the matter with him" (meaning: the pig), and Al says, browsing thru the animal cages, "That's a girl pig, Sam." Sam starts to peek between the pig's legs and Al says, exasperated, "Would you please just trust me, Sam?"

Okay, so all of this just makes me laugh. I love how, in this series, Al knows a little bit about everything. You know, pigs like milk. Also, that's obviously a girl pig. But it comes up again and again. Sam shows up in some unfamiliar situation, and Al begins to pontificate, "Yeah, I spent a summer with the circus ... so here's how it works ..." It's a kind of a "bit", not completely realistic - how could one man have had so many different experiences?? - but it totally works. Don't you know people like that? (People who AREN'T obnoxious know-it-alls, I mean - which Al definitely is not). Some people who know "a little bit about everything" like to lord it over other people, and pass themselves off as experts. I can think of some bloggers who fit into this category! But Al isn't like that. He's a man who's lived a full and a diverse life - but even more than that (and this is why, I think, Al is such a sympathetic character - who we don't just admire, but love): there is nothing on earth that Al is not curious about. NOTHING. He may have a skeptical manner, he may get easily distracted by tits and ass, he may have closed off great sections of himself because of the losses he has sustained - but he still remains curious about all of the wonderful and scary and interesting things that life has to offer. It's an awesome quality. Reminds me of the comment Sylvia Beach made about James Joyce: "He told me he had never met a bore." Now it takes a really open mind to look at the rest of the human race that way, to truly experience other people as real, and fascinating (even if they're assholes. Realize that James Joyce did not say "he had never met an asshole". No. He said "he had never met a bore". Even ASSHOLES are interesting). One of my pet peeves in life are people who are "over it". People who are perpetually bored - because they have "been there, done that, seen that". I have cut such people out of my life - because I know a couple - I cannot bear that attitude. I experience it as actually toxic, or harmful to my own equilibrium. Anyway, that's neither here nor there - I'm just expressing what it is about Al that I find so admirable, and lovable. His inability to be UN-interested in things. Even when he's not interested in the leap in question, he's always interested in his own personal life. He is always engaged. And that, my God, is a quality I wish I could bottle, and sell to others. Beautiful, isn't it? Dean Stockwell embodies it perfectly.

tess36.jpgSam tries to get Al to focus. And you can tell that Al hasn't even thought about the leap. He hasn't run any numbers. He hasn't pondered why Sam has landed in Texas, and not somewhere else. Al has shown up here basically to confide in Sam his fears about Tina's infidelity. hahahaha So Sam, feeding the pig milk, asks, "Why am I here, Al?" Al snaps back to business, "Oh ... right ... uhm ... let me look at the numbers ..." Al says that there is a 72% chance that Sam is here to cure the pig. Sam doesn't think that's it. He says, "I thought I was here to marry Tess." Al looks confused - who the heck is Tess? How can I be expected to keep all these characters straight when my own personal life is so all-consuming?? Al hasn't even run any numbers on Tess. So he starts to do so - with his trusty hand-set thing (I love how he has to give it a good whack on the side on occasion, in order to jolt it back into commission).

Sam, sitting at the desk, comes across a huge scrapbook, and starts to look through it. He is stunned at what he finds. It's a scrapbook devoted to Tess. Pictures, clippings, piles of memorabilia. There's a notebook, too - a diary. Sam wrestles with himself a bit about whether or not to read it - it seems like an invasion of privacy. But Al says, "You ARE Doc, Sam ... read the diary." So it turns out that Doc Young has been pouring out his heart into his diary for years - about his love for Tess. He has loved her for years, ever since the first moment he saw her. He confides in the diary that he is "still dumbstruck by her presence". Al, re-checking the numbers as Sam reads out loud, says that there is now a 97% chance that "someone who's been sending her love letters will marry her". Sam is nervous about the prospect of having a romance, you can tell - it's too much pressure - so he says, "Well, that's good, right? This is a diary - not love letters!" Al says, with conviction, "Sam. You are here to marry this cowboy. Boy-girl. Cowgirl. Girl."

Now please. When you watch the episode, please just watch how Dean Stockwell manages that ridiculous line. It's SO funny and SO real. He doesn't know WHAT to call Tess - so he goes through every single variation - until finally just landing on "Girl". Well done, sir. That's not an easy line to make not only real but also funny.

tess38.jpgSo the next day, poor Sam shows up for the first day of the week-long contest between himself and Tess. He is apprehensive ... and he also isn't sure of what the outcome here should be. Should he try to win? Is that the right thing? Is Doc supposed to marry Tess? Has Doc been writing and sending her love letters? Is he "the one"? Or not? But then there's the flat-out fact that Sam is not a cowboy, never has been a cowboy, has never roped a calf, has never ridden a bucking bronco, and has no idea what he's doing. So the prospect of him winning is slim in any case. But Sam is still rather grim and serious when he shows up at the corral the next day. Tess is also grim, but that's because she's a tough mo-fo, and is not in the mood to be generous. She's a competitor. Will Doc keep up with her or no?

tess37.jpgThe first contest is riding a notorious wild horse - whose name, portentously, is Widow-Maker. Tess is the only rider on the ranch who can handle Widow-Maker. And now Sam has to climb on and try to stay on. He can't even get the bridle in the horse's mouth - it's too difficult - so Wayne, in a seemingly generous gesture, comes over and helps Sam with the bridle. A nervous voiceover commences as Sam gently gets on the horse - he is trying to recall all of the things his father had taught him about horses (remember: Sam did grow up on a farm ... he probably doesn't remember all of that himself, due to the swiss-cheesing ... but some of it is coming back) ... He thinks he'll be okay if he keeps his father's advice in his mind. Look the horse in the eye. Let the horse know who's boss. Get on gently. Blah blah blah. Of course the second Sam settles onto the horse - the horse goes absolutely apeshit. All the cowboys have crowded around to watch, along with Tess and Chance - and they stand back, laughing hysterically, watching the horse buck and rear and fling itself about - with poor "Doc" hanging on for dear life. Finally, the inevitable happens.

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Now - Wayne, the cowboy I mentioned earlier, treats Doc with the requisite kindness - helps him bridle the horse, etc. - but gradually, over the first brutal day of this contest - we start to realize that something else might be going on with him. He never steps up and says, "I love Tess, you jagoff". Maybe he has too much pride for that. Maybe he's afraid of Tess a little bit (aren't they all?) Maybe he thinks: "Hey, man, if she didn't choose ME for this contest, then she can HAVE the stupid Doc if she wants him ..." But at the same time, during the next challenges (roping, branding) - Wayne gives Sam some advice about roping - and it comes off as totally helpful - "Okay, so here's what you need to do ..." Off Sam goes, keeping Wayne's words in mind - but it turns out that Wayne left a very important bit of information out of his instructions - and Sam nearly breaks his thumb. Tess starts to see which way the wind is blowing - even though she's been laughing at Doc's struggles all day - and she rides over to Wayne and yells at him. "Wayne - didn't you tell him to so and so?" Wayne, sullen, says, "I guess I forgot to mention that part." Tess is nothing if not FAIR. She wants this contest to be FAIR and she doesn't want to have any "help" given to either side. She's as good as a man - and she can win the contest on her own steam. That seems to be the main thing that is pissing her off about Wayne's subtle interference - what, he doesn't think she can win it all on her own? Because Tess is a bit of a moron (and I mean that in the most loving way) - she doesn't see the undercurrent of what is going on with Wayne. She remains oblivious. She has no experience in matters of the heart, so she can't pick up on the signals. (Funny thing is - by the end of the episode, you can tell that Wayne - handsome and studly though he may be - is ALSO a newbie to this whole love thing ... and, for that matter, so is "Doc". They're all a bunch of love newbies! No wonder why they are all acting like lunatics)

tess40.jpgSam eventually, though, with Chance's help - gets the idea of roping, and he successfully ropes a calf. Not only that but he "punks" Wayne - and does the whole "look at how my thumb is broken" trick - only to show that no, it's not broken at all. All of the cowboys (except Wayne) roar with laughter - it's great to see Doc step up to the plate like this, and everyone loves a good ball-busting joke. Tess loves it, too. It's manly of Doc. She doesn't want a weak man. She wants (and needs) an ALPHA, Goddammit! So it's great to see Doc best Wayne in a moment like that. Wayne doesn't see the humor. And Tess (because she's such a newbie at love) doesn't discern that Wayne is actually the alpha to end all alphas - and in his quiet relentless way, he is ALSO participating in the contest (which supposedly is only between Doc and Tess). He is quiet about it, he's kind of a moron about his own feelings (as we will see later) - but his back is up here, boy ... he can't allow himself to seem TOTALLY mean to Doc, because true alphas aren't mean to those who are weaker ... that's the real mark of an alpha male, by the way. They're so alpha that they can afford to be kind and gentle and fair to those who can't compete at that level. But Wayne is just acting on instinct here. Sam starts to see what's going on before Tess does. And Sam, who is also alpha in his own way (even though Doc might not be) - starts to get his competitive spirit on. He will not let this dumb cowboy run him out of the race.

However. His day of roping and branding and riding has left him battered and filthy. They ride back to the corral through the gathering twilight. Here's another shot - where you gotta give the props to the cinematographer. Bravo. You don't see much on television that looks quite that good.

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Once they return to the stable, Tess comes up to Sam - who can barely wait to get home and sink into a hot bath. She tells him that she and Chance and Wayne are heading into town for an important meeting (at a bar, of course) with a potential buyer (a bigwig) of their prize-winning bull. Sam is dismayed. Does he have to come with them before he even takes a bath? Tess is inexorable. "Yup. You have to come now." If you want to get married to me, you better start to learn how the business is run. Sam realizes that the contest is still on, that it will be 24/7 type of contest.

At the bar in town, they sit around a table with the buyer. Now of course business is a subtle thing. You don't get right to the point, you hold your cards close to your chest, you bargain, you bluff. So instead of talking business, they play poker, and drink.

tess39.jpgA couple things going on in this scene: you watch how Tess handles the buyer, pouring him a shot, making him feel comfortable, but also letting him know that she is nobody's fool (even though she's a woman). You see that Tess not only can hold her own in ranching matters - but she can drink with the men, too. She drinks, but she doesn't get drunk. She remains cool and clear. There's also a sense of growing tension between Wayne and Sam. Sam doesn't want to drink. Wayne basically tells him to "man up" and pours him the drink anyway. Sam pushes the shot glass away, like: "I said NO." Things are heading for an impasse.

Tess deals the cards. She's getting pissed. Pissed at Wayne and Doc for acting like children. She's also in a scolding mood, saying to Sam, "I ain't marrying no man who can't beat me at poker."

Al appears at this moment. Sam certainly could use Al's help in regards to winning the damn poker game. But Al appears and immediately begins to ruminate nostalgically about how he met Tina "over a poker table in Vegas". Like Sam gives a shit about any of that right now!

tess41.jpgNow, a word about Stockwell:

Here is his line here:

"Tina and I met over a poker table in Vegas. I had a flush. She had a pair."

Now that is such a cheap joke - and Stockwell, bless him, goes right for it. (I love cheap jokes.) He says the line in a nostalgic fond tone, as THOUGH he is quoting Rick from Casablanca: "We met in Paris. The Germans wore grey. You wore blue." But no, he's actually saying, "I had a flush. She had a pair." It's so stupid and so funny - Stockwell makes his voice go deep and guttural on 'she had a pair' - and he goes for that double entendre with everything he's worth. It's hilarious. Poor Sam, concentrating on his poker game, surrounded by tough cowboys, is pissed at the distraction - like: "Could you give me a little help here, please?" - but he can't say it out loud because the cowboys will wonder what the hell he is babbling about. Al has figured out that Tina is cheating on him with Gushie - one of the Quantum Leap project leaders. The running joke about Gushie (which lasts throughout the entire series) is what horrendous halitosis he has. They never ever give up on the joke - and pretty much every time Gushie is mentioned, so is his breath. So Al is amazed that Tina would cheat on him - HIM - with that dude with "jock-strap breath". Al has another funny stupid line, and it's just a joy to watch Stockwell say it: "She took my second favorite organ and stomped on it with her four inch heels." Dumb, yes - but Stockwell means every word. And Al is not embarrassed about any of this, which is why he's so endearing. He is not embarrassed that he is not focusing on, you know, his JOB. He is not embarrassed that he cheats on Tina and then is hurt that she cheats on him. He's not embarrassed by anything, and you just gotta love a guy like that.

Sam, however, is caught up in his problems. He loses it for a second, and says out loud, "Gushie??" Chance is baffled. "Gushie?" Sam catches himself and babbles, "Yeah. Gushie. That's Navajo for ... your turn." Tess is giving Sam weird looks like, "Why are you acting like such a jackass in front of our buyer? We don't want him to think we're a bunch of buffoons." tess11.jpgAnd Wayne, who's working his own thing, is laughing at it all ... loving the fact that Doc is losing it, and acting a bit crazy in front of Tess. It's perfect, as far as he is concerned! But that smile eventually is wiped off his face when Sam (on the advice of Al, who can see all the cards) accuses Wayne of cheating. Al says, "He's got all aces and 8s." Now. This is a moment that could have ended in a duel, Hamilton-Burr style. To accuse a man of cheating is a serious offense. You had BETTER be right, and you had BETTER back up your claim. Wayne will not let it stand. He insists he is not cheating. Chance looks on, concerned, in his Marlboro Man way. Wayne has, by this point, stood up. Furious. He puts his cards down, to show what he has - and oh shit, he DOESN'T have aces and 8s. Sam is busted. He took advice from Al - and now look what happened. Al is furious - he SWORE Wayne was cheating - he had aces and 8s, dammit - so while Sam is trying to bluff his way out of his false accusation, you can see Stockwell behind him, trying to figure out what happened - dealing the cards (or, miming it) - trying to track where those aces and 8s went ... Its very funny, Stockwell's behavior in the background - while Sam tries to get out of the mess he's in. Finally, Tess - who has had it with both of them - stands up and drags Wayne away to have a talk with him.

She has finally caught on to the fact that Wayne is trying to sabotage Doc's chances. (Like I mentioned, Tess might be smart about ranching - but she's kind of slow about relationships and men). Tess is PISSED. She thinks that Wayne thinks she can't win the contest all on her own and is trying to 'help' her. She doesn't see that, duh, Wayne wants to win the damn contest, even though he wasn't chosen to compete at all.

Meanwhile, back at the table - Al is still obsessed with how on earth he could have messed up the cards so badly - and Chance and the buyer have gone off to talk about bulls, and Al asks Sam to turn over Tess' cards - because he thinks he's figured it out. Sam does so - and there they are: aces and 8s. Wayne, who had been dealing the cards, dealt those cards specifically to Tess - so that she would beat Doc, no matter what. Now Sam really knows what he's dealing with, in terms of competition for Tess. Wayne will play dirty.

tess42.jpgNow a quick note about Scott Bakula and what he's "working on" here as an actor, and how it all makes sense, once you know the ending of the episode:

-- all along Sam has been saying that he doesn't want to marry Tess - not that he doesn't like her, or whatever - but that it makes the leap a whole lot more complicated if that is his task - his first comment is, "Well, if it's someone who's writing her love letters who will marry her - then that's great - because Doc is only writing a Diary!" It's like Sam doesn't want to deal with all that messy love stuff, and would rather just focus on curing the pig. Wouldn't it be great if a leap could be that easy? Figure out what's wrong with the pig, and off you go to your next destination in the space/time continuum. But looks like it's not going to be that easy. So far, Sam's only experience of Tess has been her fierce no-nonsense inexorable competitor side. She is, quite frankly, exasperating. But ... but ... (and it's not clear at this point in the episode, but it will be soon - so I figured I'd bring it up now) ... he finds himself getting attached. He can't help it. In competing for her, in trying to do his best to out-cowboy her ... he starts to become attached to the result. He wants to win. Not just because then he will "leap out" but because ... because he starts to want it. Her, I mean. Now Sam has not really put all of this together for himself yet - and a lot of his own behavior is baffling to him: like, why is he being a dick to Wayne? Why is he obsessing so hard on the "tally" in the contest - like: what is going on here?

This, naturally, will come up again and again and again in the series as a while: Sam getting involved - despite himself. Despite his desire to just get out of the project altogether and go home to his "real life" ... he still can't help but get involved. It's Sam's greatest blessing and his greatest curse. He might be a happier man if he didn't allow himself to get personally involved in strangers' lives. But then, of course, if he didn't get involved - he wouldn't be Sam Becket. And if you watched the series to the end, you know his final leap, you know what happens. And it makes total sense. Of course. Of course Sam would make such a choice. That's the kind of man he is. That's the kind of character he is.

But that final episode would not have the "oomph" that it did if Scott Bakula hadn't been playing that tormented in-out either-or struggle - throughout the series, from the very beginning. Sam wants to leap OUT, but ... something ... something ... what is it?? ... keeps him here, keeps him leaping ... and why? But maybe ours is not to reason why. Sam, of course, can't help but asking why ... it's his most human quality.... and here, in Episode 4, so early on ... they weren't sure if Quantum Leap would last a year, let alone 5 - but here Bakula is, playing that struggle, that struggle that will be so essential to our understanding of the entire series. Sam resists committing to the leap, because he knows it will take a lot out of him. What will it do to a man to let himself fall in love with Tess - with whoever ... KNOWING that he will have to leave her eventually? How do you let yourself "go there" when it is understood that none of it will last? What will that do to a man, in a cumulative sense? But isn't that how life is, for all of us? Quantum leap or no? Isn't it about leaping, regardless of the outcome? Love, courage, commitment ... all of it must be experienced without being attached to the result. I have not learned that lesson, and I know very few people who have learned that lesson - but if you watch Quantum Leap in that light, and watch Sam's eternal struggle, in episode after episode - to not get attached - and then fail and get attached anyway ... you see a character directly engaging in that fight, over and over. I love Bakula for understanding, instinctively, that part of the character of Sam. It's what makes actors great story-tellers - not just great ciphers of stories ... Scott Bakula, in his innate story-telling talent, understood what the real story was here, what the real point was. And whether or not Quantum Leap got picked up again for another season ... is irrelevant. What matters is the moment ... and you go back and watch that first season, and you can see Scott Bakula setting us up for the last episode of the entire series - which hasn't even been written or thought of yet. That's talent.

In our next scene, Tess and Sam, are out in a hot hilly field driving posts into the ground. Sam has his shirt off. He is a hunk and a half, let me tell you. Stud. It's not too much, either - it's not so sculpted that it looks like a coin would bounce off his abs. It's a human body, albeit a great body - the body of an athlete, your basic jock in his 30s. You can tell by her behavior that Tess is starting to fade. tess12.jpgMaybe it's too hot. Maybe she won't take a break. Who knows. But something is going on with her in this scene. She's pounding at the posts, and shoveling dirt - drenched in sweat - and Sam, his doctor self coming through his swiss-cheesed brain - starts to tell her to slow down, or at least drink some water, or have some salt tablets. She's getting heat stroke. She's dehydrated.

Tess is ornery, though. She thinks Doc is condescending to her. Like she thinks he thinks she's somehow weaker than a man or something. She shouts down the hill at him, "I don't need no help!" Sam, trudging up the hill towards her with the canteen, groans, "Oh, man, women's lib is gonna love you." Tess, hacking at the dirt with her shovel, swaying on her feet - says, "What's that?" Sam doesn't even get into it. Just hands her the canteen. She brushes him off. Sam is starting to get angry. What is her problem? He says, "Look, there are some things that a man is better at - that's all. It doesn't mean men are better than women, though. There are plenty of things women are better at - like having babies." His comment, obviously, does not go over well. But Sam is speaking more as a doctor here, he is truly concerned about her condition. Tess fights him all the way, until eventually she straightens up too quickly, and immediately collapses in a faint. This has been coming all along, from the beginning of the scene - she probably was dizzy throughout.

Sam scoops her up in his arms and races down the hill with her to take her back to his house. It's an urgent matter - dehydration is nothing to sneeze at. As Sam peels off across the meadow, the camera pulls back - and we see that someone has been watching from a nearby hilltop ... a horse stands there, with a rider. And we just know, somehow, that it is Wayne.

A storm is gathering on the horizon, a big one - lightning forks from the sky, clouds are gathering. Sam races the jeep back to Doc's house, trying to beat the storm - knowing that he has to cool Tess off, or there might be some serious repercussions. It's an emergency. He arrives back at his house, and - naturally - the kid is there, on the porch, playing his guitar. Sam, too involved with Tess (who is still in a faint), doesn't have time to worry about the fact that he still doesn't know the kid's name. The kid stands up, alarmed - as Sam races into the house, carrying Tess over his shoulders. Sam gives orders - go get some water, put some salt in it.

NOW ... Scott Bakula is marvelous in this next scene. Just watch him - watch how he is doing 20 things at once, not just physical things - but emotional things as well. He's in an emergency situation - so he puts Tess on the couch and immediately starts pulling off her clothes. He's calling out to the kid his instructions - telling him to hurry - "fetch me some water ..." then Sam catches himself, mutters, "Fetch? I'm talking like them now ..." but it's just a quick aside - he's still busy with Tess ... It's just a wonderful example of an actor doing his thing, playing the scene - everything that needs to be played.

tess43.jpgThe kid comes rushing back in, and stops - horrified and embarrassed at the sight of Tess lying on the couch in her bra and panties. (I love, too, that her underwear is not sexy ... it's time-and-place appropriate: a big white bra, and old-fashioned white "drawers", basically ... I love that they didn't make her into a sexpot underneath her clothes. Of course she wouldn't be. Tess is too practical for that). Sam grabs the water from the kid - wets a cloth and starts to cool Tess down - tells the kid to go get a fan - quick. The kid runs off.

Sam starts to force Tess to drink, even though she's groggy and out of it - she winces at the taste of the salt water. Sam doesn't care. Drink. She drinks ... and starts to revive ... and then discerns that, OH MY GOD I'M NAKED ... and she sits up and punches Sam in the face. A sharp hook to the jaw - and he flips back and off the couch, spilling the water all over him.

tess47.jpgAgain, Scott Bakula is just great in this scene. He's feeling tenderness towards Tess, but it's pretty hard to feel tender towards a woman who punches you in the face when you're trying to help her. He's in an internal struggle. Tess hurries to cover herself up with the afghan, and Sam says, defeated, "Great. You have heat stroke and you cover yourself up with a blanket." He shakes his head and walks away. By now the storm has broken - rain pounds against the windows. The kid, still awkward because of the whole "I just saw a woman in her bra" thing, says he's going home before he gets caught in the storm. There's yet another moment where it seems like Tess is going to say the kid's name ... and Sam gets all excited, and anticipatory - but nope. She stops before the name comes out. Sam is disgusted. Glances up at God/Fate/Time: "Can't you give me a little help here?"

(But again ... that's the whole essence of the series. What it "means", if you will. And I don't mean to over-think this - and make Quantum Leap seem ponderous or overly serious. It's not. But without that deeper level ... of Sam struggling to find his way, struggling to find what God wants him to do ... and then also realizing that no, there is no help ... you have to help yourself in this world, no matter your era or place or time ... the series would not be half as effective. It would just be an everlasting gimmick - and I don't think it would have lasted as long if it didn't have that deeper level.)

As the storm rages, Sam goes into the office - where the piglet still lies in a drawer of the desk, still sick - and Sam sits and reads a medical book, while Tess recovers in the other room. Eventually, Tess appears at the doorway, wearing what is obviously Doc's clothes. She has a different energy now. Softer. Still. Maybe troubled. Curious. Not so certain. And definitely not ornery. She's looking in at Sam at his desk, with an expression on her face that shows maybe she's grateful to him, maybe she's aware that she's been behaving horribly. Also, any time there's a crash of thunder, she winces. Tess? Afraid of thunder? Well, yes.

tess14.jpgThere's a very very nice scene now - between Tess and Sam. The lights are low, the rain is falling hard - and they talk. Sam asks her if she wants to dance. She says she doesn't know how to dance. He says that's fine. He turns on the radio on his desk (shout-out to the production design: all of the interiors in this series could not be better - the details - I mean, look at what's on the walls, on the shelves, the things on the desk, the horse-calendar on the wall ... it's all so specific and real. It doesn't look like a set. It looks like: Yes, of course. That is where Doc lives.) Tess and Sam dance. They don't speak. She stares up at him, wonderingly. Is this what it feels like to be in love? She's not sure.

She's not used to allowing any softness in her personality. Of course not - she runs a ranch. She will not be respected if she's seen as "just a girl". It's not pleasant to allow softness when you are not used to it. (Yeah, whatever, I speak from experience.)

Sam then makes the mistake (but he can't help it ... he's not trying to "leap out" now, he's starting to accept his own reality - he's not "acting" ... he's succumbing) of trying to kiss Tess. Tess goes apeshit. Pushes him away. Shouting, "I ain't gonna lose in here what I won out there!" Sam has finally had it. Says, "Can't you ever give it a rest?"

Tess, in her desperate moment, goes right back into the contest - saying that she is obviously winning - and Sam can't let it slide. He's competitive too. He tallies it up: "I won in this ... and I won in this ..." and (my favorite moment, I think in the episode) is how he says, "Don't forget poker. I'm thinkin' I beat you at poker", giving her a stern look. Tess, in her tally, thinks that Doc lost. Sam, in his tally, sees that it's a tie - so he demands a tie-breaker. Tess considers this, and says, in a fearfully quiet voice, almost mournful because she knows Doc will lose this one: "You want to marry me, Doc? All right then. Ride Widowmaker tomorrow." Sam, remembering his first try at Widow-maker, hesitates, and Tess shakes her head sadly, and says, "That's what I thought," and walks out, leaving Sam alone with Piggy.

Something's up with Sam. He sits down, stroking the baby pig in the drawer, which squeals and squirms around with pleasure. Sam says, in a quiet voice (and it's real hard to make a "talking to yourself" moment seem real and true - but that's exactly what Bakula does here), "I like you too, Piggy. Funny thing is, until we danced, I didn't realize how much I liked her."

Well played.

"How the Tess Was Won" - part 2


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Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Quantum Leap: Season 1, Ep. 4: "How the Tess Was Won" - part 2

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LEAP INTO: August 5, 1956

Part 2: We left Sam at the moment he decided to ride Widow-Maker, the ferocious horse who threw him before.

EPISODE 4: HOW THE TESS WAS WON - part 2

Next morning. It's Sunday. Dawn.

Look at the Andrew Wyeth beauty of this shot. Isn't it gorgeous?

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Tess and her father are getting ready for church and they look out at the corral, and see Sam there ... bringing out Widow-maker, in the early dawn light. Yup. He's going to go for it. Again. Tess is alarmed. She thought she had won. She had no idea that Doc would take her up on her ridiculous tie-breaker. Meanwhile, Sam - who is full of apprehensions, this horse could kill him - walks into the corral, and finds that Al is there. Naturally, Al is not at all focused on the events at hand - he is still upset about his personal life, and how on earth Tina could leave him for Gushie. How could that happen??? Sam, already wrestling with the horse, has had it with Al. He's not even listening.

The cowboys are starting to gather around to watch. Tess and Chance approach. Tess looks solemn. The horse isn't called "widow-maker" for nothing. Sam is nervous. Al finally realizes that something is expected of him ... and says, "Do you want me to control the horse?" "Yes, please!" Hilariously, Al leans right into the horse's head - and starts to chant "Om" right at it. "Ommmmmmmmmmmmm" ... "Ommmmmmmmm" ... the poor horse stands there, staring right ahead, like: who is this lunatic and why is he moaning right at me? Can't he back off? tess16.jpg Then comes the big joke of the scene - in the middle of Al's "Om"s he starts talking to someone back in the future - who has obviously informed him that he has a phone call. At first Al is like, "Can't you see I'm busy? Ommmmmmm--" But he's interrupted again. "Take a message, I'm busy! Ommmmmmmmmm---" And finally, he straightens up - because of something he's told - and says, "It's who? It's Tina?" And then, hemming and hawing, and apologizing lamely to Sam - he says, "Yeah ... so ... uhm ... I have to take this call ... and ..." Sam cries, "Now? You're taking a call NOW?" Al doesn't care ... "Yeah ... uhm ... I'll be right back ... just hang on tight, Sam ... hang on to the horse ... uhm ...." He rips open a door in the atmosphere and promptly disappears - back to his all-encompassing personal life, leaving Sam abandoned on top of the fierce Widow-Maker - who, now that the "Om"s have stopped, goes batshit crazy - bucking rearing, galloping, skidding, doing whatever he can to throw this stupid rider off of him.

The cowboys watching all shout encouragement, totally into it ... but Tess stands there in her Sunday best, anxious. But this time, Sam isn't thrown. He hangs on. tess17.jpgMaybe because now he's invested, maybe because now - after their dance - he realizes that he likes her. He likes her enough to compete with a free and open spirit. He's invested in it for Doc - because, after all, he's read Doc's diary and knows that Doc is in a serious state of unrequited love for this difficult woman. But he's invested in it for himself, too. He has feelings for this woman. And he is damned if this stupid horse is going to stay in his way. And whaddya know, eventually - after the ride of his life - Widow-Maker calms down, and submits to Sam's guidance. Widow-Maker gives up. "Okay. You the boss. I got it." The cowboys watching all break into applause, cheering like crazy. All except for Wayne and Tess. This was the tie-breaker. Sam won. Wayne looks down and away, alone with his own thoughts. And Tess is ramrod straight, trembling with nervousness and strain. So. Okay. She will have to eat her own words now. And marry Doc. tess19.jpg

But then comes Sam's best moment. Ahhhhh, it's so satisfying!

He gets off the horse, and starts for his jeep. Chance intercepts him and holds out his hand, saying, "Welcome to the family, Doc." Sam doesn't shake Chance's hand. Says, flatly, with great dignity, "No, thanks. I wanted to see if I could ride him. Not her." And gets in the jeep and drives off. GO SAM! Now it wouldn't be good if every woman were treated like that - but Tess needs to be taken down a peg. Otherwise she will make any man in her life totally miserable. (Like Spencer Tracy making that famous comment to Hepburn: "Oh, don't worry. I'll cut you down to size." when she joked that she was taller than him. Hepburn was a Tess-like character (at least in the movies), almost like Widow-Maker in her wildness - someone needed to have the patience to tame her.) Sam's action came as a surprise to me the first time I saw the episode. I didn't see it coming. It throws everyone into a tizzy. Doc? Sweet submissive Doc? Saying "no"? Driving away? Wow. Tess is absolutely stunned. Humiliated.

Then comes a wonderful scene - between Tess and Chance (it's my favorite scene in the episode). tess20.jpgThere's a tenderness here - even though Tess is a grown woman, and a feisty woman - she's also Chance's daughter - and he takes the moment as an opportunity to teach her something. With gentleness and love. Tess is embarrassed that everyone is laughing at her. I love how Chance replies, "Nobody's laughin', Tess." Love him for that. He tells her to go after him. She balks at this - how humiliating - to chase after a man. Chance is having none of her excuses. "Don't you have to chase down calves to brand them? The chase is part of it, Tess - now go after him and fight for him." I love the scene - it's played beautifully by both actors.

Tess does go after Doc. She barges in on him. Finally, to explain himself - he hands over Doc's diary, wondering if it's the right choice - he's not sure. He hopes Doc, the real Doc, will forgive him when the time comes.

This scene - this last scene between Tess and Doc - is perfectly written. You want to see a well-crafted television scene? A perfect example of what to do, and how to write? You'd do worse than to look at this particular scene. It's where things are resolved, yes - which can often have a too-simplistic feel to it in your basic one-hour TV show ... but here: the writer (Deborah Arakelian, by the way) stays in the world of the characters ... it's still about these two people, and how THEY will resolve. It's just perfectly done, and perfectly played.

Sam is fed up with being treated like shit by her. He thinks Doc deserves better. Tess is scared. This is it, this is love. Is she ready? So when Sam finally just hands over the diary, it's the end of the road for him. No going back from that choice. He turns away from her, and stares out the window - as she, quietly, in awe, almost fear, flips through the journal, reading, realizing ... that Doc has loved her for years. How could she have missed it? tess21.jpgShe looks over at Doc as though she has never seen him before. Love is a new experience for her, she hasn't recognized any of the signs.

Sam doesn't turn around to look at her. And with his back to us, we get a voiceover. It tears at my heart, have to admit. Without naming "God", you can tell who he is talking to. "This isn't fair, you know. You can't expect me to do this and not get involved. So if Tess falls in love with Doc, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leap me out of here as soon as possible." Oh, Sam. No. It isn't fair. You are right. He can't bear it. If Tess chooses Doc, then that means he will leap - and not be able to experience what it would be like to be in the fullness of love with this woman - and that's a thought he can't stand. Sam Becket only gets to experience the struggle. He doesn't ever get to stick around for the good stuff. And no. That is not fair. I feel ya, dawg.

Tess, having had her heart and eyes opened by Doc's journal, asks if they can dance again. Sam accepts. It's almost too much for him now, though. To touch her. Knowing that his time here is so short. Tess has other things on her mind. As they dance she says, "Riata's in my blood. I can't just give her up." Sam says, "Nobody's asking you to." Tess protests, "If I marry you, all the men will look to you, after Chance is gone." Sam asks, "Couldn't we run it together?" Tess looks up at him as though he is now speaking a foreign language. "Together?" And now - Sam can't help it - leans in to kiss her - and this time Tess accepts the kiss. It's probably her first kiss. Her eyes remain open and vaguely alarmed the entire time. Ha. I love her character.

But then comes the final wrench into the entire leap.

From outside the house, we suddenly hear Wayne's shouting voice, "ARE YOU GONNA MARRY DOC, TESS? I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. ARE YOU GONNA MARRY HIM?" The kiss breaks up. What is happening now? tess22.jpgTess goes outside, and sees Wayne standing there - all dressed up now - bolo tie, hat, gleaming horse beside him - It is Wayne's moment. His moment to (finally) declare himself. Tess is pissed - "What are you doing here, Wayne??" (She still doesn't "get it", does she.) Wayne, standing still and strong and stiff, confesses that he's worked at Riata all these years (for shit wages) only because of her - and because "someday I hoped I'd rope you."

It was in that particular moment when I first realized: You know what? It's WAYNE who's really her "mate", her "one" - not Doc. Beautiful set-up of the entire episode, I think. You root for Doc, you think Wayne is the competition - but at the end, you switch ... and you see what Tess hasn't seen, what Sam hasn't seen (because he was falling for Tess himself) - and you see Wayne, in all his awkward cowboy glory - and you see true love shining awkwardly out of his face. How could we have missed it? He can't express himself well, so suddenly - he pulls out a packet of letters - and says, "I've been writing you letters all this time ...." Sam, standing on the porch, still hopeful that "he" will win, deflates visibly. The letters. The letters that Ziggy and Al told him about. Can't fight fate. Tess takes the letters - and the expression on her face pretty much says it all. She doesn't look at Wayne the way she looked at Doc - with a curious and almost wondrous look. No. She looks at Wayne like a high school girl psyched - PSYCHED - that her crush-boy has FINALLY asked her to dance. We've never seen Tess look like that. Sam knows he's licked.

tess24.jpgBut Tess still wants to read the letters from Wayne - to compare and contrast them to Doc's diary - so the three of them sit in Doc's parlor (notice the set design - doesn't it feel like such a REAL room??) Tess puts down the last letter. The air trembles between the three competitors. Tess stands and asks Doc if it would be all right if she danced with Wayne. She just wants to see what it would be like. Wayne is as awkward as Tess was in the first dancing scene - he says (and you just love him, suddenly): "I don't know how to dance, Tess." She puts her arms around him and says, in her guileless simple way, "That's okay. I'll lead." Wayne nods - like that would be okay with him - and they awkwardly step touch step touch together - smiling shyly like two adolescents - and Sam steps back, watching, letting his heart break just a little bit. That's all part of his job. He couldn't do his job properly and not get involved. And I guess that's true for all of us in life, although it's sometimes hard to live by those rules. All that is really required of us while we are here on this planet is that we are involved. Bah. I can't deal with that.

In the next scene, Sam is still Doc - he's all dressed up - and feeding the small pig who, by now, is almost full-grown. We also learn that he is to be the best man at Tess and Wayne's wedding - which is that day - So I am assuming that Tess and Wayne did not have a long engagement - right? Sam wouldn't hang around for months? Or maybe he would. Al has now, at the 11th hour, shown up. Sam is still pissed at Al for abandoning him with Widow-maker and Al tries to defend himself, telling him he HAD to take that call - it was Tina telling him that she had only had an affair with Gushie to make Al jealous! So now, yay, Al was back together with Tina! He HAD to take that call. During this scene, you can hear the still-nameless kid with thick glasses playing his guitar out on the porch ... and it starts, slowly, underneath the scene, to be a tune that we, finally, recognize.

Sam is pissed at Al for not being there. And Sam is also pissed because - the whole leap has gotten him down. He didn't mean to fall for Tess, but like he said to God/fate/time - he did ... and now he has to stand by and watch her marry another man, and that just sucks.

tess26.jpgNow comes the long-deferred mirror moment. I can't think of another time in the series when a mirror-moment comes at the END of the episode as opposed to the beginning - but it packs such a nice punch here, for multiple reasons. First of all, Scott Bakula is a stud. He's a tall, handsome guy with a great body, who is pretty much unambiguously male. A hunk. Things are different on this earth for the studs (whether they are nice people or not). The best thing about Sam Beckett is that he seems pretty much unaware of his studly qualities - it's a lucky accident, and he has done a ton of work to develop his mind, etc. But still - Al knows that Sam is a "catch", a guy who catches women's eyes easily - Sam grew up with that. He might not even be aware of it. But the reality is - life is easier for Sam because of his lucky genetics. So Al gestures to Sam, "Come here ... I want you to see something." He points at the hall mirror, and slowly Sam walks over to look at his reflection. And for the first time, we see what Doc looks like. And he's not a big strapping stud. He's a lean scrawny fellow, with glasses, and when he takes off his hat, we see the bald back of his head and his thin hair. All through the episode, seeing Sam ride and rope and brand and pound posts - it has been vaguely plausible that he would succeed at all of these things, eventually - because we haven't had the image of who Doc really is - we just see Scott Bakula. But to see scrawny nerd-man in the mirror, and to picture him braving Widow-Maker is a truly moving moment. Al says quietly (and bless Stockwell - he just knows how to play a moment), "You had a lot to overcome, Sam." Sam's demeanor changes when he sees the reflection. He grins at himself. He's proud. Proud of Doc for "going for it" - even though he didn't win.

tess27.jpgSam and Al stroll out onto the porch, into the sunlight. The nameless kid is still singing. The pig strolls by. The nameless kid sees it, and, naturally, incorporates it into the song - which, as I said, we are slowly starting to recognize. "Piggy Sue ... oh, Piggy Sue ..." Sam and Al don't notice yet, they stroll into the yard - wondering when Sam will leap. They think it's the 'I do' moment - that makes the most sense ... but slowly, slowly, they start to hear the song come forward, and the nameless kid - who, up until this moment in the episode, has just been dawdling on the strings, nothing real emerging - starts to really sing, and really play. He's onto something, he can feel it:

Piggy Sue, Piggy Sue,
Oh, how my heart yearns for you.
Oh, Piggy, my Piggy Sue,
Well, I love you girl.
Yes, I love you, Piggy Sue ...

tess28.jpg Sam and Al are stopped in their tracks. Nobody moves. Nobody speaks. Slowly, the two men turn back to stare at the nameless kid on the porch, the kid who has always looked totally familiar. And now, naturally, we know where we have seen him before. But still. Nobody speaks. Al grins. A beautiful silent moment. Al glances at Sam and says, reading his friend's mind, "Why don't you give it a try?" Sam takes his final leap, and calls out to the kid, taking a chance, "Buddy?" Buddy Holly stops playing, glances up and says, "Yeah, Doc?" (Goosebump moment. Huge payoff.) Sam bumbles, a bit starstruck, you can tell - "Why don't you try Peggy Sue, instead of Piggy Sue ... I don't know ... I think it might sound better." Buddy considers this a moment, likes the idea, says, "Okay, Doc!" and launches right back in, playing and singing now with certainty - the rock star is born in that moment.

Al and Sam stand back, watching, grinning, a bit stunned by the whole thing ... and I just want to take a moment to revel in the two faces of these actors. Now I know a lot of good-looking interesting people, some of whom I think should be famous. But I look at these two, and I just feel glad - so so glad - that they "made it", that this series exists - and that it worked out for them - because I think they're both beautiful, and I love "visiting" the both of them whenever I want to, by popping in an episode of Quantum Leap.

tess29.jpg

Aren't they awesome?

Al, because he knows everything, realizes before Sam does - that it was THIS moment that God/Fate/Time/Whatever was waiting for ... not the "I do" moment ... Sam had one last thing to do here, and that was identifying Buddy Holly and giving him a crucial suggestion ... and now, now ... he will leap. Al turns to Sam and waves bye-bye - just as Sam shivers into blue lightning and disappears ....

... and wakes up, half naked, lying on his back in some dingy attic room ... and a breathless woman is standing over him, hurriedly putting on her pumps, saying, in a thick Long Island accent, "Thanks, Frankie. That was terrific. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'." And she clacks out ... leaving him alone ... looking around him ... he's wearing a pink tuxedo shirt ... and he's obviously just had sex with that woman ... Tess and the west of the 1950s is long gone ... so ... where is he now ... what has he just done ...

tess30.jpg

Oh, boy!!!

Quantum Leap recaps
Overview

Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 1 of re-cap

Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 2 of re-cap

Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 3 of re-cap

Season 1, Ep. 2: Star-Crossed - part 1 of re-cap

Season 1, Ep. 2: Star-Crossed - part 2 of re-cap

Season 1, Ep. 3: The Right Hand Of God

Tommy's posts:
Quantum Leap: an overview

Episode 1: Genesis

Episode 2: Star-crossed

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February 8, 2008

Culture snapshots

p1_bret.jpg-- I am not at all in love with the new season of Rock of Love. It cannot come close to the brilliance of the first season - and I can't believe I am saying this, but I miss Lacey! As heinous as that bitch was, she MADE that show. All the girls on the show now seem to be strippers with enormous collagen lips. Nobody seems normal. They all seem like ragged whores on the edge of oblivion. Not that there's anything wrong with that, if they're happy ... but the first season was so good because there were a handful of relatively normal girls (albeit clinically insane) - who were vying for Bret Michaels' attention. But now it doesn't seem to have that OOMPH. Because yes. I do want Bret Michaels to find someone to "continue to rock his world". I yearn for his happiness. I lose sleep over it. But to see those girls whip around the roller rink with baby carriages ... in some sort of maternal roller-derby situation ... My God. Television has never been so awesome. But where is Lacey? And Heather? I love those girls!

477px-James_Monroe_02.jpg-- I am reading a biography of James Monroe right now (making my way through Schlesinger's awesome American Presidents series). I didn't know much about James Monroe - except that he was part of that Virginia dynasty of men ... but other than that, I didn't know much about him. It's fascinating. Gary Hart wrote the book - he has done a great job. I'm loving it. I love the whole series, in general. They haven't published all of them yet - but I have all of the ones in the series so far. They aren't going in order, either - so the George H.W. Bush volume is published - but the one on Abraham Lincoln hasn't come out yet (and freakin' EL Doctorow has written that one - I am dying to read it!) Great series. Having a lot of fun with it.

Pfilm6880301201587.jpg-- Watched Fort Apache last night, and was struck, for the 5000th time, with John Wayne's effectiveness as an actor and movie star. He has one moment where he shouts, "HOLD YOUR FIRE, MEN" and then says to himself, "Hold your fire." A possibly cheesy moment. But John Wayne doesn't have a cheesy bone in his body. You cannot force that man to ham. To overplay. The movie is interesting because it places Henry Fonda in the position of being the true alpha-dog ... and usually it's John Wayne who's the alpha, in his films. To see Fonda be above him, and watching Wayne have to deal with that - is fascinating. They both have their points - and in Wayne's moving monologue at the end, we can see that he has conceded to Fonda's position ... that Fonda's hard-ness had made the regiment better. He was willing to be "the bad guy" to his men - in order to make them better. And Shirley Temple is adorable in the movie. Surprise surprise. I love John Ford's movies because it's like an old-time regional theatre, where the same people keep showing up, in project after project. Like: Ward Bond (GOD WHO IS BETTER THAN HIM??) and Victor Maclagen (LOVE HIM) ... John Ford standbys. Always good. His movies would not work without that rock-solid ensemble of players. Love the movie.

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February 3, 2008

Quantum Leap: Season 1, Ep. 3: "The Right Hand of God"

Okay. I am determined to keep this going. Tommy, I'm sorry I dropped the ball on our project! The past autumn was seriously a rough time for me. Couldn't do shit. But I really want to keep going with our Quantum Leap re-caps!

god21.jpg

LEAP INTO: October 24, 1974

Al: Who does she remind you of?
Sam: Ingrid Bergman.
Al: No. You and me both - back in the old days when we were trying to raise money for the imaging chamber. We were poring over the blueprints. That was our dream, our chapel. Remember?


Sam Beckett leaps out of the lecherous professor Dr. Gerald Bryant, having (perhaps) saved the love of his life Donna from future misery. He hopes. And of course, because Quantum Leap glories in plopping poor Sam Beckett down into the middle of the action, as opposed to, you know, him waking up in the morning, having some toast, whatever, having time to figure it out ... Sam Beckett finds himself in the middle of a boxing ring, staring at a huge fist coming at his face. Pow. And down he goes.

EPISODE 3: THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD

god1.jpgEpisode 3 pulls out every boxing cliche in the book. It's an homage to every boxing film you can think of (how much fun the producers and art directors must have had, putting together these episodes - where not one repeats itself, the period changes, the costumes, even the FEEL of each episode changes.) So we open on a boxing ring, cigar smoke in the air - it's kind of seedy. This is not Madison Square Garden. It's a direct reference to the first scene of Rocky - even the LOOK of it. Fun! Poor Sam has been knocked out. He has no idea who he is, where he is, WHEN he is - and he's in the middle of a boxing match. A guy is shouting at him from the crowd - "GET UP GET UP" ... so ... yeah ... that must be my coach? Why is he yelling at me?? Sam also gets a glimpse of a big fat-cat sitting there, looking displeased and grumpy. This character (Jake Edwards) will be important later in the episode. He's also important because he's Guy Stockwell, Dean's older brother. god2.jpgBut for now, Sam is confused, hurt, and has no idea what is going on. Remember, it's only his third leap! It takes him a while to get the hang of things. It's always a bit of a start, to find yourself in the middle of a murder taking place, or something frightening - but Sam isn't as "swiss-cheesed" as the series progresses. He knows: Okay. Calm down. Keep your eyes peeled for clues.

Later, in the locker room, things start to become clear for Sam. He's a boxer. Obviously. His name is "Kid Cody". He gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and it's that classic old-school barrel-chested boxer body - not the six-pack-ab bodies of today. You can just tell the guy is down on his luck (a la Rocky Balboa). More clues come. His coach Gomez (played by Alex Colon) thinks maybe Kid has a concussion or something, he seems so out of it. He says to him, "You almost lost our last fight together, kid." god3.jpgOkay, so that's important information. This was their last fight together as a team. There's a kind of Burgess Meredith in Rocky thing going on here. You know, the crusty guy who believes in you more than you believe in yourself. The one who won't let you get away with second best - who tells you the truth, etc. Kid Cody (Sam) had actually gone on to win the fight, with a wildly thrown punch that landed his opponent onto the floor. Won by a knockout. The fat-cat comes into the locker room, and you immediately get a bad sense from him, the swagger, the proprietary way he talks to Sam. And let me just say, for the 100th time. how great and specific the art direction of this series was. Every "set" built is so detailed, it feels so right - whether it's a soda-pop fountain in the 50s or a grimy locker room. To me, nothing ever felt kitschy on this show, the way other "period" shows can feel - where the clothes always look like costumes, etc. Quantum Leap leaps around in time, but I always felt that each episode (even the silly ones) were grounded in some sense of reality. It wasn't a sickening nostalgia-fest. Where girls wear poodle skirts, but you just know she's got a belly-ring on underneath, and is openly psyched to play 'dress up'. You know the kind of acting I'm talking about. Quantum Leap had very little of that. It didn't condescend to other eras.

Then - what the hell - a flock of nuns come running into the locker room, all excited that he won his fight, congratulating him, and raving about the "knockout". They're in full habit. Sam, with his natural modesty (I love that about him - he's this big huge hunk with a body to DIE for - but he's quite shy about it) - tries to cover himself up, baffled, and just striving to keep up with the conversation. Who are they?? It becomes clear that Kid Cody's boxing contract had been left to the church of St. Mary's, as part of some kind of estate ... so the nuns have a vested interest in his success, since much of his winning proceeds will go to building a special chapel that will do outreach in the community. This comes out later. For the time being, Sam is being polite to the nuns, trying to figure out his situation - and more than that: why he is here. god4.jpgThere's a Mother Superior type, and then a younger nun - whose name is Sister Angela (played beautifully by Michelle Joyner). She is overflowing with enthusiasm and excitement about boxing. You love her.

It's a lot to process. But naturally, Sam has no time to process anything. The next scene shows him outside with Sister Angela in what looks like a vacant lot in a dingy part of town. They're in Sacramento. Sister Angela, a lovely plucky person (but - as we see later, not at all a cliche - she comes from somewhere, her faith in God comes from a deep personal place, she's got a past, the stakes are REALLY high for here too) - is marking out in the dirt where the chapel will go. It has always been her dream to build a chapel, that will be open 24 hours a day, so that if someone should need help, or guidance, or prayer - in the middle of the night - it will be there for them. Sam, in dreadful plaid pants that make him look HYSTERICAL, tries to tamp down her enthusiasm, once he realizes that the chapel will only come to fruition if he wins his next fight. He's not a boxer. He won't win! He says to her, "Just don't count on me too much." She looks at him with incomprehension. She doesn't judge, she's not snotty, and her faith is not a blind smiley-face kind of faith. It's stronger and deeper than that, and much of it has to do with faith in the goodness of her fellow man. So when he talks down about himself, she really does not understand him. She says simply, "But we're all counting on you. All the sisters at St. Mary's are." To quote Sam, oh boy.

This isn't the first time that the series directly brings God into the picture. "He", or "the big guy", or "fate, or time or the universe" (they call him all different things) enters the conversation pretty early on in the series - and it is a great credit to the writers and producers and directors of the show that they rarely played it on the nose - because that way leads to Touched By An Angel malarkey, and we can't have THAT. The show always had a healthy dose of cynicism in it, which is appealing and is where much of its humor comes from - and also: there's a mystery at the heart of it. (The very last episode of the series brings it home like gangbusters - because, after all that, you STILL can't really say: So HE is in control. It's still unknown. Great stuff.) But that's part of why the show works. It's not about do-gooders leaping through time, setting right what was wrong. I mean, yes, they DO do good ... but their main purpose at first was scientific, to time-travel. Then they realize very early on (the first episode) that ... something went "ka ka" - and what could it be? And why can't they pull Sam out of it and correct the error? Maybe it's becomes someone ELSE is in charge. You know. Like God. So ... okay. Sam's journey then becomes (again, without becoming preachy) trying to figure out what God wants. Or "time or fate or whatever". Why is he here? It is the most existential of television series. Because it's quite practical, that question: Am I here to win the next fight? Am I here to help Sister Angela regain her faith? Those questions, yes. But there's always a deeper level - the REAL meaning of the question: Why am I here? In the case of Sam Beckett, and how the series ends up going - and if you remember how it all ends - it turns out that he is not "here" for little do-gooding tasks through the 20th century, helping all of humanity get a bit closer to happiness. He's here for something that could not be more personal. And when he realizes it ... when the realization falls over his face in that last episode (sorry, leaping ahead!) - it is one of the most moving moments I can think of in a network television series. It's KILLER. He knows. A gear shifts into place. THE gear. Finally. THAT is why I'm here. And his sacrifice will be tremendous. The ultimate sacrifice. But it is the right thing to do. So here, in "The Right Hand of God", being surrounded by hopeful nuns who believe in him, that faith in himself is tested overtly. They don't expect him to be a believer. They do not try to convert him. What they need from him is to win his next fight.

No pressure or anything.

god6.jpgWhile Sister Angela and Sam are talking, Al Calavicci shows up. He is wearing the most ridiculous metallic jacket and metallic shoes known to man. I love this character. He's such a dandy. But ... his style is his own, man. The shoes kill me. Stockwell laughs at the fact that the character's wardrobe was never addressed, nobody ever found out why he dressed like that - it was never mentioned, or questioned ... which is just so brilliant, if you think about it. He shows up in the most bizarre get-ups and it is just accepted that this is how Al Calavicci dresses. He listens to Sister Angela talking, with his customary expression of cynicism, patience, humor, and kindness. I don't know how Stockwell gets all of that onto his face at the same time, but he does - constantly!! He also does his "gesture". The gesture that has been with him since he was a 6 year old.

Exhibit A and Exhibit B, C

He cups his hand on his cheek, hooking his finger up over his nose. It's the most adorable gesture, it's compulsive for him - it shows up everywhere. His thoughtful gesture. I saw him do it repeatedly in Taos, and nearly had a heart attack.

Sister Angela finally leaves, and the two are now free to talk. So Sam, in his plaid-panted glory, begins to freak out that he will have to box, and not just box - but win. No way, this is never gonna happen. Meanwhile Al is kind of not paying attention to the issues at hand (one of his greatest charms). First of all, he is apologetic - because Ziggy thought that Sam would be closer to home by now - "Ziggy messed up the calculations ..." Big time. But also, Al has some personal problems (what else is new). A new guy has moved in next door and he works on his car all night, vrooming at a deafening roar all thru the wee hours. Al has not had a good night's sleep in a week, and he is beside himself. He is cranky, distracted - and kind of couldn't care less about Kid Cody and the chapel and Sister Angela. As a matter of fact, as Sam is telling him the situation, Al blatantly lies down on the ground, and tries to fall asleep. Hahahaha Imagine that your own hope for getting "back home" was behaving in this manner! god8.jpgThe dynamic between the two men is the best thing about this show. I personally think it could have gone on. The strength of their dynamic just got stronger and better as the series went on.

The next scene we see Sam climbing a rickety staircase - he's obviously going home. I always wonder about that: how does he know where to go? Does he look at the dude's license? As he climbs the stairs, a shiny car pulls up - and Sam (Kid Cody) is called to come and talk to "Mr. Edwards", the gangster from before. Sam is reluctant. Not sure what he's getting into. But he obeys. And now we move into On the Waterfront references (Sam even tries to make a joke about it, it's that obvious - the joke does not go over well). Kid Cody is in the hands of some pretty shady characters, who want him to throw his next fight. They don't just want him to, they expect him to. He is on their payroll. The 10 fights Kid Cody had won up to that point had been set-ups, apparently - Mr. Edwards tells him that in his next fight: "I'll tell you the round later ..." meaning, the round he will go down. So the fight today - that Kid Cody won - threw a loop in Mr. Edwards' plans. He needs to put the pressure onto this kid. He will do as he is told. Oh, and as they are talking - talks of other fights going on come up, and putting money down on this or that person - and the Foreman/Ali fight is mentioned - which, of course, was coming up the next week - October 30, 1974 - in Zaire. But of course it hadn't happened yet. It was expected that Ali would lose. Naturally, we know now he won - but it was all uncertain then. Sam has insider information from the future. But he doesn't use it yet. Mr. Edwards tells Kid Cody that he will bet MORE on his fight than on the Ali/Foreman fight. This will become important later. god10.jpg Sam feels the pressure. The sisters expect him to win - he's already emotionally involved there, he can't help it - that's the kind of person Sam Beckett is. But these guys mean business. They're mad, they have guns, they threaten to shoot him in the kneecaps if he doesn't cooperate.

Oh, and another detail: in order to save money on expenses, the sisters of St. Mary's have asked him to move out of his apartment and into the church basement - where he can train in peace, and not have to pay rent, etc. We don't know Kid Cody's situation. Sam doesn't know it. He walks into his apartment - which is above a bar (and must mention again, and sorry - but it won't be the last time - the beauty of the set decoration and art direction of this series). You can almost SMELL that apartment. You know how when you go into Rocky's shitty apartment, it's like you can get a whiff of the stale cooking smells, the nasty bathroom smells, the roach motels, the mold, the dust - all of it ... it emanates off the screen. Kid Cody's apartment is spare, cheap, but there are signs of a female presence there - you can see them if you look closely, although it's not apparent at first that he has a girlfriend. There's a boxing bag hanging from the ceiling. Things look random, you know like furniture dragged off the street. It's not a dump, it's clean - as clean as it can be - but you know that Kid Cody is living on the edge of some pretty serious hard times.

And suddenly - he is confronted by what must be his girlfriend - coming at him to kiss him and babble at him about her job, and tell him she's cooking his favorite meal. She is wearing a pink silk bathrobe. And she is absolutely stunning. I wonder if this actress got any work as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator - because it's truly uncanny, the likeness. god13.jpg I'll talk about her a bit later - her name is Teri Copley - and it looks like she doesn't work anymore. I hope she's happy with whatever she is doing. I LOVE her. She's got a little breathy baby voice, the platinum hair, the Marilyn Monroe look in her eyes - but somehow, she manages to create a real woman here. Not a caricature, not a stereotype. You just love her. She's a type of woman that I have met before: the girl who, for various reasons, works in a strip club - but has serious plans for the future. She puts money away. And she's a one-man woman. Monogamous to an almost pathological level. She makes her money dancing naked for the drooling masses, but at heart, she's a traditional girl. Old-fashioned. I know girls like that. That's who Dixie is. She establishes her character within 2 seconds - we know just who she is from how she greets "Kid Cody" - totally supportive, excited, and then - dismayed because he is going to move into the church. She doesn't like that. They have a "nest egg" of money - which they keep in a pocket in one of her pillows - and they are saving up to buy a donut shop. That is their dream, as a couple. Sam is just playing catch-up here through this scene, trying to get information, and not "let on" that he's basically a messenger from the future, NOT her boyfriend. He's also shy about sex (as we learn time and time again) - so to have this beautiful half-dressed woman kissing him passionately throws him for a loop. He kisses her back, but still. In later episodes the sex thing becomes a moral issue for Sam. He doesn't think you should sleep with someone unless you love that person. So ... how does he justify sleeping with these women, if he happens to be their husband - or boyfriend? Al, naturally, has a different take on such "problems". He's like: Who CARES if you love her?? A beautiful woman is ALREADY in your bed and you are ALREADY married to her - so what's the problem?? This is the first time, though, that we see Sam in something like that situation - a man who is part of a couple. How do you handle it? Sam Beckett is old-fashioned. He knows Dixie loves him (Kid Cody) - but still: he's NOT Kid Cody. I love him for having those dilemmas. And I love Al for NOT having those dilemmas. It gives the series a real spark. Great stuff.

A dude shows up at the door - and you get the hint that they know him and that Dixie doesn't like him. He must be a bookie - and he's collecting money from them? Can't remember. Anyway, Dixie is NOT having any of it. "Roscoe," she says to him, "you come between us and the jelly-glazed with sprinkles on top one more time, and I'll bust your nose."

Next scene we see Sam moving himself into the church basement. There's a gym over to the side, some stained glass windows, a single bed ... and you can hear someone singing "Amazing Grace" in the building. It's a bit much, as far as I'm concerned. Too obvious, too on the nose. Also, I don't know - I have nuns in my family, I grew up around nuns - "Amazing Grace" isn't a real convent-type song, although now, of course, some Catholic nitpicker will show up and give me the history of the song, and inform me that it was composed in 1425 by a roving band of Benedictine nuns, or something. I have been going to Catholic Church for my whole life, never heard "Amazing Grace" during mass. Not once. So maybe it's Sister Angela singing it by herself, just as a ruminative type thing. I still think it's a bit too much. The scene would have been better without it.

Sam lies down on the narrow cot, listening to the singing ... and suddenly realizes that someone is snoring - and loudly - beside him. He glances off the bed and sees poor sleep-deprived Al Calavicci, curled up on the floor, snoring. That's another question I have. In later episodes, we actually see the imaging chamber - and what it's like - what the process is like for those back in the present. It's not like you can just zap into the imaging chamber from anywhere - you have to be at the headquarters, and be buzzed in, and blah blah blah ... so maybe Al has a room in the back of the office where he tries to catch some sleep - and so that's how he is able to roll into the imaging chamber in his pajamas, on occasion? I never heard anything about Al having a PRIVATE imaging chamber in his house so that he could "visit" Sam whenever ... it all seemed a bit more formal than that, like it happens during the working hours, etc. Anyway, just a question I have. So Al steps into the imaging chamber, and maybe as he waits to get quantum-leaped to Sam, he falls asleep? So when he is transported, he is in a sleeping state when he arrives? This is where my mind goes. Of course it's also just a funny bit - that the guy who is in CHARGE of your project, who is in charge of getting you HOME eventually - shows up in a deep snoring REM state. You know, what a vote of confidence there, Al! Also, just to add to the ba-dum-ching nature of the moment, Al is talking in his sleep - and he's obviously embroiled in some adulterous brou-haha, he's cheating on Tina, his girlfriend - and imploring some other woman to hide in the closet. Sam is rather judgmental about all of this (he always has been, he rolls his eyes at Al's lecherous-ness, and his apparent lack of morals) - Al finally wakes up and Sam scolds him about monogamy. Al couldn't care less. He is a desperate man - because Muffler Man next door has still been tormenting him. It is ruining his life. He can't sleep! He is at his wit's end!! Sam tries to get Al to FOCUS. Not on his romantic life, but on the issues in this particular "leap". How on earth is he going to learn how to box? This won't work! It's amazing that this particular quality of the show did not get tedious - because it so could have! Sam has to learn how to split the atom! Be a ballerina! Have a baby! Build a nuclear warhead! How will he figure it out??? Instead of being tedious, it is usually quite funny - and Sam has to be very resourceful, and really commit to this other person's life - rather than his own. He doesn't WANT to train to be a fighter ... he wants to go HOME ... but ... oh well, this is the nature of quantum leaping, so here goes! Sam Beckett is a wonderful character. Al reveals that he was a boxing champion when he was a kid (of course he was! That's one of the running jokes of the show - as Al reveals more and more about his life - he was in the circus! He was a POW! He was an actor! He can speak Italian - you realize: who the hell is this guy? And it's not really realistic, but it works anyway. Stockwell makes it work. He keeps Al's cards close to his chest. Al isn't a guy who lets people in easily, even though it seems like he's an open book. The guy has depth. Secrets. Hidden pain. Al says HE will train Sam - but of course that won't work, because when sparring, Sam would punch right through the hologram that is Al. Sam decides okay, he needs to take this seriously - he'll talk to his coach, and see if he will train him - even though they are no longer working together, strictly.

god15.jpgThere's an interesting moment at the end of this scene. Sam goes back to his bed, and Al is left in the shadowy gym, lights off - and he dances around by himself, throwing punches - then it's like he remembers his age. He stops, kind of sucks his belly in a bit - and pats his paunch - there's a bit of regret there, in the gesture - it's simple, beautifully played - then he says to himself, "I was good, too."

And that, folks, is an actor. It says it all. It's quiet, private, simple - not overdone ... but his whole life is in that moment. And we're only in the third episode of the series! But he's all there already. Stockwell didn't need time to build that character. He didn't need to develop him over the course of the series. He was THERE, from the beginning. Bakula said that at the audition, Stockwell came in "complete". Al Calavicci was alive, already.

The next scene has Sam and Gomez sitting in a bar. Gomez says he doesn't want to get into the training racket again. "I'm tired of training fighters who take a dive," says Gomez. There's a very Rocky-esque feel to this scene: the trainer with failed dreams himself, who once was a fighter himself, of great promise. And Kid Cody is a good fighter. But he's in with the wrong crowd - the gangsters - he doesn't really want to win - he is willing to take a dive if the price is right. But the scene ends with Gomez saying what the hell, let's go to it. He agrees to train Cody.

First day of training, Kid Cody gets into the ring at the church with Father Muldooney, the priest at the church who also has done some boxing himself. The ring is surrounded by cheering nuns, holding towels, throwing punches. It's hysterical. Sister Angela is beside herself with excitement and has to be told to get out of the ring, please. In the first couple of seconds of the fight, Father Muldooney knocks Sam out. Everyone crowds around, scared. A bucket of water is thrown on Sam's face. The nuns all look disappointed. Nervous. It looks like their guy is a loser.

And now we have the Rocky montage, complete with music (not exactly the Rocky theme, but close enough). The montage at first shows Sam not doing well, really struggling - unable to punch the punching bag in that flowing way that professional boxers have ... struggling with pullups, drenched in sweat, Sister Angela hovering nearby, supportive. Then comes my favorite scene in the episode. Sister Angela rides her bike, and Sam runs along beside her holding two bricks in his hands (a la Rocky Balboa). Sister Angela means business, she is a tough taskmaster. She pushes Sam to keep going - they're going up a hill, and Sam is DYING. He begs for a rest. Just a couple minutes! She relents. As they stand there, he asks her why the chapel is so important to her. She tells her story. god18.jpgIt's not a happy one. A little all-night chapel was there for her when she needed it most - she had been living on the streets, she was an orphan ... and it saved her life. God saved her life. She wants to create a place like that for others. Now - it's a cliched story, and I certainly could have watched it being utterly unmoved. Seen it all before. But the way she plays it is just lovely. The emotion that comes up in her feels organic, as though the story (even though well-known to her, since she lived it) still has the capability of taking her by surprise. She does not weep and wail, she does not go for the drama - she just turns her back on Sam, to get some privacy, and quietly tells him what happened to her. It is the LEAST condescending type of acting imaginable - and the supporting actors on this show that come in for guest spots like this are universally excellent in that regard. I love her performance. It could have been over-the-top cheesy. It is not at all.

It is essential we understand the stakes for her, and how specific they are. It's not just a generalized "I love God, I want to share that love with others" thing. When, later in the episode, we see that her faith has been shaken - we really GET what that means for her. This is a girl who has had a tough life. She feels betrayed all over again. Life is a wilderness without God. God came into her life and saved her. And now ... she can't believe anymore. Without that quiet scene where she tells her story to Sam, the impact wouldn't be as great. We really get what all of this means for HER (another reason why the show works so well: EVERYONE has high stakes. On all different levels. We all want something. We all have needs. These needs conflict. That makes for interesting drama, if it's done well. Sister Angela's journey with her faith is part of the whole - it's NOT just about Kid Cody winning the fight. We're all connected, everything is interwoven with everything else. None of us are an island.)

Then we get a second montage. Sam has been training hard now - so he's doing better. This is the SECOND Rocky montage, when Rocky makes it up the steps of the museum, and leaps around in triumph at the top. Sam is in the zone now. Doing situps, pullups, punching ... there's a hysterical moment where we see Sam punching the little punching bag, and he's going so fast it's a blur - and the music is pounding - and as the camera pulls around, we see Al standing there right next to him, in a blazing white suit, smoking a cigar, and kind of dancing (hard to explain - but it makes me laugh out loud every time I see it) to the beat of the punches on the bag. He's "cool" about it, he's not gyrating around - just watching Sam's fist fly, and kind of twitching his body back and forth, in time. hahahaha Well, it's really a visual joke - so if you have the DVD or plan on getting it, keep an eye out for it.

Sam and Al have a conversation in the ring. Sam has been so involved in training that his focus has been elsewhere - and it's interesting, you can see that Al feels a little bit left out. There's a strange distance between the two friends now, and Al ... hm. Well, I think Al - even with his crusty hard-nosed personality - needs to feel needed. That is his whole THING. And he doesn't feel needed here. None of this is spoken. It's not in the script. It's all in Stockwell's acting. He's kind of cranky. Probably because of the sleep-deprivation problem, but also ... because Sam seems more focused on the training than on HIM. He needs Sam to step out of that for a moment and listen to him! He tells Sam that in the real history, Kid Cody was knocked out in the first round of the fight coming up - on October 29, 1974. He lost. And so Sister Angela never got her chapel. There is not a chapel in Sacramento in the present-day like the one Sister Angela dreamt of. You can see Sam's dismay at hearing this. How can that be? Now that he has gotten to know Sister Angela a bit, and been welcomed by all the nuns - you can see that their dream has now become, in part, his. He is not BLASE about them. "Oh well. They didn't get their chapel. What am I supposed to do about it?" No. Sam is into it now. He's turned the corner.

The fight approaches. Gomez and Sam sit in the same bar from before - and they're watching the news. We can see a report going on on the upcoming fight of Foreman/Ali in Zaire. Mr. Edwards comes up to Sam in a menacing way and says, "Nick says you're training for real." This is not part of the deal. Kid Cody is supposed to LOSE, not win. Why is he training? Mr. Edwards has it all planned: he needs to be knocked out in the first round. Sam, feeling stronger now, more able, stands up to Mr. Edwards and refuses. There's a standoff. Inspired by the news report on TV, Sam challenges Mr. Edwards to a bet: 20 to 1 on what round the Ali/Foreman fight will be over.

god20.jpgSam has to then break the news to Dixie about the bet - they might lose everything - and she flips. Of course Sam knows that this is a GOOD bet, since he knows how it will turn out ... but she can't see that. The jelly glazed dream is even more unattainable now! She's already upset, because he's hanging out with Sister Angela all the time. It seems like the nuns have more say in his life than she, his girlfriend, does. I like this one exchange - it makes me like Sam Beckett even more. She refers to herself as a "tramp" - and he gently takes hold of her arms, stares down at her, and says, "Dixie, you're not a tramp. You're a stripper. That's a profession." I just love him for that.

After the confrontation with Dixie, Sam goes back to the church and finds Sister Angela praying by herself, near a bank of candles. He tries to talk to her, and he can tell immediately that something is dreadfully wrong. She is near tears, yes - but there's something else. A coldness, a hardness. He is alarmed. She was his greatest champion. What's going on? He tries to talk with her. She can't even look at him. She tells him that "a Mr. Edwards" stopped by, and left a message for him: "He thought it over. He wants to call the rounds, not you. Take a dive in the first." She is devastated. Sam isn't too happy either. He has a plan (which he hasn't revealed yet) to get around Mr. Edwards ... but it has to be a secret. Sister Angela believes the worst of him. He can't defend himself. And she, being who she is, with her struggles, her life story behind her, does not take such things casually. Life has not been kind to Sister Angela. There's a fragility there. She says, "I thought God sent me a champion, but he sent me a cheat." She says, "I don't think I can believe in anything anymore." (Now this actress says that potentially cheesy line with utter reality. I've said stuff like that before, and I've meant it. I said it the other night, come to think of it. And I haven't moaned it like Oedipus on a massive Greek stage. I've said it simply, and meant every word. That's how she says it.) And Sam, sensing this in her, her faith being shaken ... is torn up. He needs her belief. It's selfish, yes - but her belief in him helped him get through this training period. To be believed in like that makes all the difference. They are left unresolved. She is crushed. He is scared. Scared that he had hurt her, that he cannot defend himself, and also scared about the upcoming fight. How will he get through it without Sister Angela cheering like a maniac? He knows the stakes are high: the chapel did NOT happen ... he is here to MAKE it happen, to change history.

god27.jpgNow comes the fight. Sister Angela, knowing of the treachery of Kid Cody, is suspicious, waiting for something bad to happen. If he takes a dive in the first round, then she will know he is a cheat. She waits. Sam keeps glancing over at her, worried ... the fact that she's not "in his corner" emotionally is just wrong, for him. He misses her. He's also looking for Al. Where the hell is Al? Because of that strange distance between the two men in the last scene ... we wonder at the slight cooling-off between them. Sam had asked Al, "You coming?" And Al had been kind of diffident, shrugging his shoulders. So that's another issue for Sam. He's all alone out there.

god25.jpgAnd we have shots of Mr. Edwards, sitting in the stands - with a transistor radio to his ear. I put it together later - he's listening to the Foreman/Ali fight at the same time. It's a big day for Mr. Edwards. Sitting near Mr. Edwards is Dixie, all dressed up and dizzyingly excited for her baby up there in that ring. (If you see the episode a couple times, you might notice some of the things I missed: that there's a fragment of a news program shown in one of the scenes where the "streaking fad" is being discussed. Then, during the argument with Dixie - we come into the middle of it, and she says something like "I bet you wouldn't ask Sister Angela to streak!" But I didn't really put it together - I'm slow like that. Obviously, Sam has a plan - a way that he think he can get around his "promise" to Mr. Edwards that he would take a dive in the first round.) Anyway, Dixie sits out there - in a green trench coat, and seriously - LOOK at the woman. Is there a more supportive face on the planet? Don't you love her? You can see Mr. Edwards in the background, hovering over his transistor radio.

Then comes the dreaded moment: Sam gets knocked out in the first round. Sister Angela, already beside herself, just sits there, shaking her head to herself. So. It was true. Kid Cody was a cheat. He lies on the floor, face crushed into the ring ... disoriented ... all he can see is Sister Angela's disappointed sad face. He can't take it - and starts to struggle up to his feet. Mr. Edwards is distracted by the radio broadcast, but he is aware that something is going up there in the ring ... Sam gets to his feet, not steadily, but he's there - then he looks over at Dixie, and gives her a nod. She stands up, drops the trenchcoat, and streaks naked through the stands, causing an enormous commotion. Mr. Edwards is totally distracted, watching her go by - turning all the way around to see her naked little booty running off - and in that moment, Sam punches his opponent in the nose - and down he goes. POW! It is at this auspicious moment that Al decides to show up. He is wearing bright red trousers, red suspenders, and a little red hat. He looks like a lunatic. He chomps on a cigar, relishing in the moment. Obviously he has gotten a good night's sleep finally! No more cranky Al! He loves the fights. He's here to have a good time, and to help Sam win. Tiger Joe (Sam's opponent) staggers up to his feet, and you can tell by the rage on his face that Sam is not out of the woods yet. Tiger Joe is PISSED. The fight that follows is intense. Sam has to pull all of his training (yeah, from his ONE WEEK of intensive training) out in order to just survive the assault. And Al the hologram helps too - shoving his hand through Tiger Joe - telling Sam where to place his punches, etc. It's a team sport, apparently! It takes two!

god30.jpgAnd finally .. finally ... Sam lands the punch that knocks Tiger Joe out for good. I love how Al stands there, right beside the action, watching him fall, with a huge grin on his face. The win is very exciting. There's a funny shot of Sam hugging Al - only we see it from the nun's perspective - so it looks like Sam is embracing nothing, throwing his arms around AIR. But it's a big moment, lots of celebration. Nuns screaming, clapping, jumping up and down, everyone going nuts, Al dancing around in his ridiculous outfit, it's a huge triumph.

Back in the locker room, Dixie - now covered up - runs in, all excited - to tell him that Ali won! They had put everything they owned, their whole nest egg, on Ali knocking out Foreman in the 8th round. And Ali just did it. And so they are owed a ton of money (20 to 1 type money) from Mr. Edwards. Enough to buy an entire chain of donut shops. She's going to run off and get their money - and just before she reaches the door - Sam says, impulsively - "Dixie!" She stops. Turns.

And look at her. God. LOOK at this woman.

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She loves him so much. And it's a great little moment because I think Sam has fallen in love with her a little bit, too (I mean, who wouldn't? She streaked through a rowdy boxing crowd for HIM) - but it's a great moment because I think Sam knows it's over, he's going to leap any moment. Obviously he won the match, the sisters are going to get their chapel, and everything has worked out. His time "here" is limited, now - maybe he has a minute or so ... so he probably won't see her again. This is it. So he can't just let her fly out of the room without one last moment between them. But he doesn't even have anything to say to her. Not really. All he can manage is, "Hurry back." And Dixie, with eyes full of love, and that Marilyn Monroe glamour girl smile - nods happily and click-clacks off. Leaving Sam alone.

Sister Angela comes in. She is overwhelmed. She is filled with shame that she had doubted him. And that she had doubted God, too. How could that have happened? She thanks him, Kid Cody, for winning ... for getting them their chapel ... but most of all, for giving her her faith in God again.

They shake hands - and as they do so - you can see Sam start to grin, ruefully - to himself. The leap is here. He shivers into blue lightning ... and vanishes ...

Only to find himself ... wearing muddy overalls and galoshes - wrestling with a filthy screaming pig in a paddock ....


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Quantum Leap recaps Overview
Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 1 of re-cap
Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 2 of re-cap
Season 1, Ep. 1: Genesis - part 3 of re-cap
Season 1, Ep. 2: Star-Crossed - part 1 of re-cap
Season 1, Ep. 2: Star-Crossed - part 2 of re-cap

Tommy's posts:
Quantum Leap: an overview

Episode 1: Genesis

Episode 2: Star-crossed

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February 1, 2008

Two run-ins with bigwigs

Caitlin, Patrick and I were walking down the hall. We were the only people on that floor - EXCEPT for a certain big-wig, an actor who is famous, and plays the lead in whatever movie he is in. He has an office on that floor, so we could hear him playing electric guitar through the door, talking to himself, singing - and occasionally we could hear him playing basketball with the little hoop he has on the door. It's his creative process. But there are times when it feels like we are living in a college dorm all over again. Occasionally, big-wig makes an appearance, and he's very nice, silly, laidback - but for the most part, he is holed up in his office, doing whatever he needs to do to write his latest script, or whatever it is he is doing in there.

Yesterday the three of us were walking down the hall. And I cannot explain WHY I behaved the way I did - but it has to do with a running joke we all have: I squatted over, and teetered along on crippled legs, jutting my arms out akimbo - with odd slashing gestures - and I began to recite the multiplication table in a strong ridiculous Cockney accent. The reason WHY we find all of this funny, and it's become a "bit" is far too involved to recount. Basically you need to imagine the Artful Dodger doing his multiplication tables, in order to count up the money he has stolen that day. The accent needs to be huge, overblown, and not at all realistic.

"Two TOIMES TWO equals FOW-AH. FOW-ah TOIMES FOW-AH equa-ows sixteen. Fagan knows Oi brough' in FIFteen so 'dat meens FOIVE TOIMES FOIVE equa-ows twentee-FOIVE ..." etc. Your math doesn't need to make sense - it's all about the accent, the behavior.

We howl with laughter about this. So Caitlin, Patrick and I were walking down the hall - and I was in the process of doing that - and I was totally into it - doing it 100% - and Caitlin and Patrick were HOWLING - and suddenly, from out of the bathroom to our left, comes big-wig - I didn't even see him, so involved was I in my Artful Dodger arithmetic caculations - and big-wig silently and respectfully walked the other way back to his office, presumably to pick up his electric guitar again. Caitlin and Patrick were DYING - because all big-wig knew is that the woman who shares his floor, who has the office next to his - had suddenly, inexplicably, become a staggering Cockney dwarf, robotically babbling out the multiplication tables as she galumphs down the empty hallway. Like: uhm ... what the hell is going on there? Nope. I won't ask. I will just very quietly walk the other way.

20 minutes later, Caitlin and I get in the elevator. And amazingly, Big Wig #2 joined us. I hadn't even known he was on that floor at that time -he's kind of like Willy Wonka. You almost never see him. Any "sightings" of Big Wig #2 are reported to one another, because it's such a rarity. Big Wig #2 is as big as they come. Major famous. Like, millionaire famous, mogul famous. So he and another guy get into the elevator with us. We ride down in silence. I'm kind of "over" the seeing-celebs thing at this point - but it still gave me a start, because he is almost like a ghost on that floor ... does he even exist? Nobody spoke as we rode down. The elevator doors opened. Big Wig #2 and his good-looking friend (who probably was famous as well, but I didn't get a good look at him) hung back to let the ladies off the elevator first. Very nice. Caitlin and I moved past and as we did so - Big Wig #2 started up the conversation that obviously had halted when they were in a public elevator (you have to be very very careful what you talk about ... because you never know who will be listening). And God, i SO wanted to hang back and eavesdrop ... because what he said was, "My issue with the strike is ...."

DAMMIT. What was the rest of his sentence??

I have friends on strike. I have friends who work for Big Wig #2. I so wanted to hear the end of that sentence! But alas, it was not meant to be.

At least Big Wig #2 didn't see me cackling and staggering along in some Rainman-mathematical fugue state, babbling in a Cockney accent. My career might never recover.

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January 30, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County: a running commentary from last night

"I really like Lauri. She seems totally down to earth."
"I know! Me too! It's so weird, too, because she has had so much work done on her face - she LOOKS so fake - but she really seems the most REAL of all of them."
"I can't stand Quinn."
"She's a nightmare. If I were dating her, I would run the other way."
"I can't stand Billy."
"Yeah, me neither ... but still - he seems kind of smart ..."
"I liked how he handled Quinn during that religious conversation. He seemed like he has a good head on his shoulders."
"Tamra looks like shit. What the hell did she do to her face?"
"She used to have cheekbone contours - where did those go?"
"Vicki is nuts."
"I mean, the screaming ... it's like - hon, let Briana be happy about the car without screaming in her face about how happy she should be."
"I love Briana."
"Yeah, she seems normal."
"Can you imagine being a Playboy Playmate and then gaining 20 pounds and having your husband not talk to you anymore?"
"Colton is a serial killer in the making."
"I hope Lauri and George last forever."
"He seems, weirdly, like a really nice guy - doesn't he?"
"Yes! I think he really does love her."
"They hate Jo because she's young."
"Also, she's made it outside the gates."
"Wow, that speech was really trite."
"The crystals are a bit over the top."
"I mean, it's her third marriage - I think it's a bit much."
"I have to say: I'm taking Vicki's side on this one. If some weird fan of the show was living in my house - and he moved in while I was on vacation? I'd be a little creeped out."
"Well, let's remember. Even though Vicki is nuts - she is successful. She's an amazingly successful businesswoman. You gotta admire that."
"Slade is the biggest dick who ever walked the planet."
"I can't stand Slade."
"Her music is just awful."
"Look at her cleavage. I mean, honestly. Isn't that a bit much?"
"She's a nightmare."
"I love Lauri. There's something really real about her."
"The thing is - Lauri's not vulgar. All of those other women are vulgar - but she's not like that."
"She's the kind of woman who really needs to be married."
"Three times."
"I like Kara. She's kind of cute."
"She also seems like one of the only kids who actually has her act together. She was Valedictorian, she's going to college. All the rest are ... seriously, look at that platinum hair."
"I don't mind Tammy."
"Nah, she's okay."
"I hope Quinn doesn't come back next season."
"You can tell the other women don't like her. Look at how they're looking at her."
"Jeana makes me sad. I don't know - there's a real sadness there, a flatness to her voice."
"Tamra's son is just a fucking loser."
"What a mamma's boy, too!"
"Like he wants to start at the executive level in whatever job he has. He's so spoiled!"
"I do have hopes for Lauri."
"George seems like a good guy."
"I hope it works out for her."

Then. Lights out. We lay in bed, quietly. Darkness. No talking for about 10 minutes.

Then:

"I think it's sad that Jeana invited Frank into her life."

And then:

HOWLING laughter.

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December 31, 2007

2007 Year in Pictures

Meredith Vieira, Lily Allen

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2007 Year in Pictures

NBC Studio 1. Lobby mural.


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2007 Year in Pictures

Scene from the writer's strike: the empty SNL front office

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December 4, 2007

There seems to be a theme:

Here's Michele's very funny post on the REAL Rudolph.

Which, of course, reminded me of my friend Emily (no, not THAT Emily - another Emily - this one's from college!) - so I'll post that story in a minute - but first, I went back into archives to search for that Emily story. And in my search, I found a link to Tracey's hilarious break-down of Rudolph - with such lines as: "Head Elf is clearly a rage-aholic." and "Donner, Rudolph’s dad, is an abusive ass." and "Clarice, Rudoph’s would-be lover, wears a Minnie Mouse bow on her head in the middle of the frozen tundra. I have never understood that." and "Look, “Charlie-in-the-Box,” don’t be such a blubbering baby." Go read the whole thing.

And I also came across a link Curly's laugh-out-loud funny post (I am still crying over here about Mrs. Brady) about what you can learn from TV Christmas specials. I'm dying. Lines like:

How come nobody kicked the shit out of Albert in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas? Dude, if some asshole pissed off Santa by writing a letter on my behalf claiming Santa was a "fraudulent myth," I'd calculate the value of my Christmas list and then take it out of his ass. I don't care that he fixed the Santa clock. Albert was a total douche bag.
I beg of you to go read the whole thing.

Okay. Back to Emily. I've told this story, but it bears telling again.

In college, I was hanging out with Mitchell and a couple of other friends. We were in Mitchell's beach house "down the line" - a rickety shack where we had some of our most insane cast parties. ("Down the line" basically meant you lived in a shack on the beach with your nusto friends, as opposed to in the dorms where there were things like RAs, and stuff like that. Living "down the line" was everyone's goal in college! I lived "down the line" as well. In a kitten-ridden hellhole of runaways.)

So - it was Christmastime. A couple of us had hung out, ordered pizza, whatever - and then we all watched Rudolph on television. We were all 19, 20, but we watched it as raptly as if we were 6.

A couple of words on Emily before the story itself. Emily was a very good friend. And here are the bullet points in regards to Emily:

-- She was from the Dominican Republic

-- She grew up on the streets of Providence, Rhode Island (NOT the nice part of the city)

-- She was in a gang - and they had a name like the Dragon Bitches, or something like that.

-- She was a math whiz, genius-level.

-- She ended up getting into college - through her math scores

-- She was the only minority female in the engineering department. Almost the only female at all, come to think of it. (There was a moment at the bursar's office when the lady behind the desk, finding out that Emily was Dominican, said, "Em'ly. I did not know you wasn't a Negro student." Negro? Negro?? The woman did not mean ANY harm -although I know that is hard to believe - and Emily didn't take offense - she had a high-tuned instinct for comedy ... and that bursar lady's innocent comment was funny. The shortened way she said Emily - clipping off the middle syllable - the weird "wasn't" as opposed to "weren't" and then NEGRO??? Come on. Comedy GOLD. Emily did imitations of the poor woman for 4 years straight. I'd ask Emily some random question about her schedule, or what she did over the weekend, and she'd give me a piercing concerned look and ask, "She'la. You did not know I wasn't a Ne-gro student?" The joke never died - we're still laughing about it.)

-- She had a huge mohawk

-- She had a passion for African dance

-- She wore tiny tartan kilts, ripped black tights, and huge stomping motorcycle boots

-- She chain-smoked.

So ... put all that together ... what do you have? Emily. Oh, and add onto that. Emily had:

-- a huge laugh

-- a warm heart

-- a no-bullshit attitude towards friendship - she was as loyal as the day was long - but you do NOT want to mess with her

Here's one Emily anecdote. Brooke - another girl in our crowd of friends - mentioned something about the Catholic girl's school she had gone to in Providence - let's call it St. Marks. Emily's face lit up when she heard the name. Sincerely. She had heard of it, she looked happy about it. And she said, "I used to throw bricks at the girls from St. Marks!" She said it in a kindly nostalgic way. Like: ohhh, those were the days, member when I threw bricks at you??

Emily is now getting her doctorate. The university where she is also has a strong African dance company. She spends her days drowning in mathematics and African dance. But back in the day, she was throwing bricks at the girls from the Catholic school. Wearing a jacket with Dragon Bitches From Hell on the back of it.

So that's Emily. I just need to set it up because what ended up happening on the Rudolph night was even funnier because it was EMILY who said it. The tattooed Mohawked ex-gang member. With a calculator in her pocket.

We lay around in the living room watching Rudolph. Nobody spoke. We were LIVING the Christmas special.

Then comes the devastating scene where we realize Santa's coldness - and how he basically shuns Rudolph from polite society. He won't let Rudolph join in the reindeer games - he won't even let him hang OUT with the other reindeer!! The red nose is something to be ashamed of. It implicates the entire North Pole venture. Donner has produced a freak. All must be shunned. Santa must get rid of Rudolph as quickly as possible. Somehow, I took all of this in stride as a child - I just accepted that Santa was kind of an asshole - but suddenly, in this particular viewing, with Emily and Mitchell, it seemed unbeLIEVably unfair.

I didn't say anything about this injustice. I just thought it to myself.

And Emily, sprawled out on the couch, a cigarette dangling from her lips, an ashtray piled high with butts propped on her stomach, her legs with their ripped black fishnets hooked up over the back of the couch, said in a flat dry tone, with dead matter-of-fact eyes, "Santa is a racist motherfuckah."

There was a brief pause, as we all nodded seriously, agreeing with her - we were pissed at Santa too ... she had voiced the unsaid vibe in the room ... but then we all looked at Emily - the mohawk, the scary gang tattooes, the cigarette - she was our friend - but we suddenly saw her EXTERIOR ... we all looked at each other ... and just LOST IT.

We lost it so bad that we missed the rest of Rudolph pretty much. We could not get it back, we could not come down. It just kept being hilarious to us. It HURT. Because she truly MEANT it ... she wasn't saying it to be funny, she wasn't saying it in a tone of "ooh, aren't I funny" mock outrage ... she wasn't even outraged at all, come to think of it. She was just flatly stating the facts. We could not stop laughing. Emily was laughing so riotously that she thought she would asphyxiate - she had to go outside and get some air, walk around the frosty yard, howling to the moon with laughter.


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November 7, 2007

I have something I need to share

I love, and I mean LOVE, Tyra Banks.

I love her. I love her so much that I actually want to be friends with her. I'm going to get tickets to her show now that she's filming it in New York. I adore her. I think she's funny, sweet, smart, and a total kook. She's also crazy, narcissistic and melodramatic and I love her for all of that, too.

I love her. I love her show. It's BRILLIANT. I love America's Next Top Model. It weaves a web of fascination around me that is difficult to describe. And it's all because of Tyra.

I find her compulsively honest, open, goofy, and also like she thinks she's Queen Elizabeth. It's all part of her persona.

I love how she listens. I love how she laughs and rolls her eyes and gets all black-gangsta when she's trying to make a point in her stilettos and skin-tight dress.

I LOVE HER.

I can't get enough. I think I need to own all seasons of America's Top Model and I wish I could have every episode of The Tyra Banks Show on a special neverending feed on my blackberry so I could tune in whenever I wish.

She is truly awesome. I wish we were friends. She's absolutely fantastic, and I cannot look away.

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September 18, 2007

Quantum Leap: Season 1, Episode 1: Genesis

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Part 2. We left Sam in the cockpit, tilting dangerously to the left, screaming at the top of his lungs. (Here's part 1)


(I know it's hard to believe but I'm gonna have to make this a three parter. Once I get up to speed, I won't have to talk so much about the overview of the show ... but for now, I gotta get it out of my system!)

SO HERE IS PART 2!!!

Bruce McGill, on the ground, is trying to understand why the plane is tilting - do they have a problem? Meanwhile: Sam, poor passive Sam (he's a MUCH more active participant in later leaps - once he knows the rules of the game), sits there and screams - afraid to touch anything. genesis61.jpgCaptain Birddog returns from the back, takes over the plane, corrects the mistake, "covers" for his buddy by saying they had a "glitch" in the instrumentation of something - and all is well. Sam, drenched in sweat, basically whimpers, "Just don't ask me to fly again." The point of these missions is to drop the X-2 out of the jet, and have the pilot start from that height and try to reach "Mach-3". Pilots can discuss in the comments what all this means. Because I'm damned if I know. I, as an audience member, who knows mainly about test pilots from movies and from certain friendships with certain people, do not understand the technology. But that's okay: Quantum Leap is not made for experts. I know what I need to know, they've set me up perfectly. The mission is to break Mach-3. But they've had issues with this recently - fire warning lights going on, pilots having to eject ... it seems, at times, that the aircraft is not built to even handle the stress of such speed. But that's the whole point of being a test pilot. To push the limits. Regardless of personal danger. They were heroes, pioneers, wild men. And poor Sam - a brainiac - who obviously pushed the boundaries in science - is definitively not (at least in this moment) a courageous hero. You must know how to fly a jet, after all, to - you know - fly a jet!

One of the pilots (who actually looks, strikingly, like "Joe" - the doomed pilot in Only Angels Have Wings - as a young man I mean - who has his mind on "that blonde" and can't see to land through the fog - I have enough faith in Bellisario that I do NOT think that this is a coincidence!) gets into the X-2, cradled in the back of the jet. Sam, stilll sweaty and shaken up, glances back there and sees ... uhm ... TUXEDO DUDE ... standing there ... smiling right at him and waving!! genesis59.jpg What? Who the hell IS that guy? Why is a man in a tuxedo standing in the back of a huge roaring jet? Sam nervously asks Birddog, "Uhm ... is everyone back there ... where they need to be ... or ..." Birddog, cool as a cuke, glances behind him. We see what Birddog sees. There is no guy in a tuxedo in the back of the plane. As far as Birddog can see. (The episode is structured brilliantly - to lure the audience in. There seems, at first, to be something almost malevolent about the Al character ... we aren't sure yet what the project is ... we are as baffled as Sam is ... and remember, at this point - we don't yet know that he is a "hologram".) So the X-2 drops. And "Joe" (I'll just call him that - an homage to Howard Hawks and Cary Grant: "Who's Joe??") flips the switch for rockets 1 and 2. (This, for a newbie like myself, is great information - because it sets up the later scene when Sam has to go through the same thing. We've already seen "Joe" go through the procedure.) There is some sort of sonic boom at one point, and - we are back in the "period" kitchen with Peggy, Tom Stratton's wife - and in one shot, we understand her fear. This will be very important later in the episode. It's important, in general, because it brings to the crazy fly-boy atmosphere, the female element - the WIVES element - which is just as much a part of the test pilot experience as anything else. Those boys had wives. Those wives were brave, too.

Small tangent, forgive: One of the things I enjoy about this episode (and, largely, about the whole series) is the respect that it has for its characters. I never feel like Sam leaps into a past era - with its prejudices and gender roles - and condescends to that era. Now yes - progress has occurred - and the fact that a black man can't sit at a freakin' counter with white people is something rightly to be scorned (episode 6) ... that's what progress means - those who yearn for the "good old days" often conveniently leave out such pesky details as water fountains for "coloreds" and little things like, oh, a polio vaccine. So I'm all for progress. HOWEVER.

The stance that Quantum Leap takes - over and over again - is that people are doing their best. They are, perhaps, doing their best for 1956 - but should we judge them for NOT being able to see the future? Like Sam can? What kind of condescending nitwit would look at the past and ONLY see bad things? (like the little old white lady in Episode 6 - she is not judged. She is limited, definitely, because of the racist world she lives in ... but she is not some white villain. She, too, like the black people in that episode, has been formed and shaped by the racist society. And the show has compassion for her. White people, too, were victims of racism. Not to the same degree - but we all suffer when some of our countrymen are oppressed. And the show didn't soft-pedal that, by making her some racist horrible woman. I SO appreciate that about the show. I'll get into that more later.) So. Now. Back to one of the other things I appreciate about this show is its LACK of condescension towards people from different eras. It is very easy to "look back" and think: "Wow. Everyone was so ignorant back then." And in many ways, I think this is a valid response. I'm reading Bleak House right now, and anyone who reads Dickens and DOESN'T think that child labor laws are inhumane has something wrong with them! That being said, I, personally, have gained so much from NOT looking at the past as some black hole of ignorance ... but as being filled with people, pretty much like you and me, who have struggles, and issues, and are trying to live the best lives they can. People in future generations, no doubt, will look back on us and tut-tut at how little we knew. This is as it should be, for God's sake!

But let us not make a virtue out of nostalgia! Let us not think that things were automatically BETTER back then because they aren't the present day (a viewpoint I find absolutely abhorrent and fight against it whenever it comes up - you know, the "God, things were so great 'back then'" viewpoint! Oh really. They were? Wow! I won't concede ground to people who feel that way. I will. NOT. I call them "the world is going to hell in a handbasket" people. A boo hoo, the world's going to hell in a handbasket!! a boo hoo. Cry about it to someone else, I ain't buying it.) Let us not add ignorance onto ignorance! I love movies and television shows that take place in other times that respect that "back then" there was complexity, too - that "back then" people struggled, and were doing their best ... that human nature doesn't really change. Husbands and wives had fights. People had affairs. People had sex before marriage. People got wasted and said things they shouldn't say. Then, the next day, they cleaned up their mistakes and apologized. You know, same ol' same ol'. The only thing different were the wardrobes. (And the 24-hour media cycle which puts us all in touch with each other at every moment ... the effect of which on our modern world cannot be exaggerated). But please. Let us not be truly ignorant and think that all that crap wasn't going on back then.

One of the fun things about Quantum Leap is that it could offer a panorama of American experience - and sometimes it took on deep subjects - like women's liberation, or racism, or homophobia, or domestic abuse - and sometimes it didn't - but no matter what: the characters in the episodes were revealed as three-dimensional people. They each had their journey to go through. Nobody was "written off" as "lost".

I write all of this because I wanted to say a couple of words about Jennifer Runyon's portrayal of Peggy, the pregnant wife, in "Genesis". She has a son who is about 8 years old. She is 6 months pregnant and very jittery about it. She drinks coffee all day long. Her husband goes on death-defying missions every day, and she has to stand in her house, as her appliances shimmy towards her, and listen to the sonic booms, and NOT freak out. Of course she DOES freak out ... but quietly. To herself. She looks up in the sky. genesis17.jpgShe swallows her terror. She tries to be strong. And when push comes to shove, she wants her husband to be "the fastest man alive". Because that's what HE wants. It is the opposite of a condescending portrayal of a wife in another era. She is a three-dimensional woman - and I don't want to make it sound like it's some huge serious thing ... I'm just saying: that as a woman, I very much appreciated her compassionate and deep portrayal of this character. She isn't the "wet blanket" cliche of the wife. (Cue my post about the wife in Field of Dreams) But she isn't also a starry-eyed Doris Day who just stands by her man with no personality of her own. That's not satisfying for me, as a woman, to watch (and also, I imagine, for men - who have wives they love, wives who have complexity, who call them on their shit but who also have their back when it counts ... etc. We're all in this together, people!!)

The funny thing (and the brilliant thing) is that Doris Day is referenced a couple of times in this episode, and again - I can't imagine it's a coincidence. The references are: when Sam is awakened in the first moment by the alarm clock - it's by Doris Day singing "Que Sera Sera". And then later - in the last scene - when his pregnant wife is drunk in the hospital - she lies in bed, wasted - singing "Que Sera Sera" and one of the doctors jokes, "Doris Day is our patient." When Al first says to Sam (in a couple scenes from now) that maybe he is 'here' to 'put things right' - he assumes that Sam is here to break Mach-3 and LIVE, as opposed to DIE, like the "real" Tom Stratton did. So that is what the two of them focus on: getting Sam thru the ordeal of breaking Mach-3. Once Sam breaks Mach-3 though, he lies on the ground in the desert, twisted up in his parachute, and we hear the voiceover again, the agonized voiceover, "I'm still here! Al! Why am I still here??"

The answer is in the Doris Day references.

The answer was there all along.

Peg stands in her kitchen. She hears the sonic boom. She puts her hand nervously on her stomach, kicks the washing machine back into place, and takes a sip of coffee. When "Joe" from Only Angels Have Wings pushes his plane past the point of no return, and it explodes - she gasps and runs out onto her lawn, looking up, looking up, looking up. genesis18.jpgThe other wives, many of them pregnant also, all of them wives of test pilots, join her ... they look up, they look up, they look up ...

Guys, I'm not overstating this. I love this scene. It captures that whole world. It doesn't condescend to that world. It respects it. But without the lying golden glow of nostalgia ... which leaves out the bad stuff. The experience of the wives on the ground is PART of that pioneer journey ... and Quantum Leap shows that ... in the beautiful sunset-lit shot (or dawn-lit shot) of the pregnant wives, looking up in the sky, for evidence of their exploded husbands.

Without that affection for other eras, without that willingness to see them as being just like us - only with different wardrobes, and different contexts - the show would not have worked. It would have been schlock. Condescending schlock.

Please, fans of the show. I know it's a tiny moment, and it's not the "point" of the episode. But just watch all of those wives flood out onto the lawn, looking up. And tell me you don't feel for them, tell me you don't think: "God ... what was it like for you????"

That's the entire purpose of the show.

It's not just about what it was like for Sam Beckett to suddenly be a test pilot - although, of course, the show is totally about that! It's also about: who is Peg?? What are HER concerns? And who is Tom Stratton, this guy Sam has leapt into? How can I figure out what HE needs? The whole show is an exercise in altruistic thinking. It appeals to me, because it's in my nature, I suppose - to wonder what it's like to BE another person. And Sam Beckett has to learn that, which he does - episode by episode. He wants to "leap back" ... with every leap he thinks: "will this be the one? will I wake up in familiar surroundings again?" But, as it keeps NOT happening ... he realizes his mission is larger than he thought, or hoped. He, for whatever reason (and they even touch on it in this first episode) - is an "instrument" of something bigger than himself. And the greater good demands that he succumb to it, that he give up his own personal concerns ... and care about people like Tom Stratton ... which ... how many of us, when faced with the choice of our own life - or the life of someone we've never heard of ... would choose our own? The show (at its best) confronts such existential questions. Again, don't mean to go too deep here - but that's what I get from this show, at its finest. And, if you remember how it ends, if you remember that last episode ... that's the journey Sam Beckett is on. He is the ultimate sacrifice. He (for whatever reason, again - it's never stated) has chosen to sacrifice HIMSELF.

Back to our plot. Joe from Only Angels Have Wings survives the explosion by ejecting. The next scene finds us in a divey bar in the middle of the desert, full of test pilots, military men, and blonde chicks wearing full skirts, red lipstick and heels. (Please. Let ME Quantum Leap to that place??) Sam Beckett, as Tom Stratton, sits in a booth with his pregnant wife, and all his fly boy buddies ... and he starts to relax into his new role. He glances at Peggy at one point, who is laughing up at something Birddog is doing ... and the way she is filmed in that moment, Sam realizes what Tom sees in her. Not that it wasn't obvious before - but up until this moment, Sam has basically been terrified of her because - DUH. She is the wife of someone he doesn't know - and she is pregnant - and he has no idea who he is!!! Imagine having to pretend you're married to someone you've never met! Sam finds her terrifying. But suddenly, at the bar, he sees her beauty, he softens ... they dance ... She does show surprise that he actually CAN dance ... and he bluff his way out of it: "I've never had such a ... well-rounded partner before." She laughs. They're having a good time. A young married couple in 1956 on a date.

Until. He sees that damn dude in a tux again. Standing by the jukebox and looking around him as though he is having the best time of his life. genesis20.jpg Who the hell is that jagoff? It's infuriating. Especially because Sam asks his "wife", "Who's that guy over there in the tux?" and she can't even see him!! "A tux? In this place?" Okay. So he's crazy, obviously. Sam doesn't even know he's Sam at this point, he cannot remember his first name - he has accepted "Tom" as his first name ... and yet he has SOME semblance of sanity to know that seeing dudes in tuxes where no one else sees them is a very very bad sign. With an ominous manner, Sam approaches the stranger, who seems completely oblivious to why anyone should greet him with hostility. Tux-Dude says, happily, "Ain't this something??" looking around as though he never wanted to leave. Sam pretends to look at the jukebox, and Tux-Dude begs, "Oh - do they have Be-Bop-a-Lu on there? That got me through some long nights at MIT. That and a little Lithuanian girl named Danessa." (Many many clues to Al's character and history in this small set of sentences.) Sam, still baffled as to who this dude is - who was standing in the back of the plane, unseen by Birddog - and now unseen by his own wife - treats the entire encounter with suspicion. "Am I dead? Because that would explain a lot if I were dead."

Tuxedo-Man (who is, of course, the wonderful rumpled and sex-focused Dean Stockwell) treats Sam gently - but it is only over the course of this conversation that Admiral Al Calavicci truly realizes the level of swiss-cheesing that has occurred in his friend Sam Beckett. His DEAR friend Sam Beckett! Imagine if your dear friend didn't know you anymore! genesis22.jpgSam doesn't even recognize Al! What a total loss that would be. What a sad thing it would be. Like Alzheimers, something I know something about. One must give up on the relationship that WAS, and accept the relationship that is THERE. What a hard thing to do. This is what goes down between Sam and Al at the jukebox. Al realizes: "ohhhhhh myyyyyy gooood, you don't remember?? You have no idea who I am? Do you even know your own name, Sam?" The name, the first time we've heard it, gets through the fog. We can see it LAND on Bakula's face. It gets through. "You know my name." But Al - this creature from the black lagoon as far as Sam is concerned - a guy who looks at him knowingly - without knowing him!! - disappears without explaining more to Sam. Al, obviously, is frustrated and freaked out by the Swiss Cheese factor, and angry at Ziggy for not factoring this in. The last we see of him is him ripping open a door in the atmosphere, and disappeareing behind it, muttering angrily. Leaving Sam (Tom) alone. With most of his questions unanswered.

The next morning:

now this will be important later: The whole episode (after the prologue with Al and Tina) starts with a tracking shot over the desert, speeded up - tumbleweed, brush, sand ... and the camera zooms very quickly at a house - into the window - into the bedroom - the clock turning over ... and then: Sam's quantum leap begins. It's almost like in that moment we are Ziggy. Or - the "quantum leap" itself - rushing through time/space ... into another life. So the next morning - we see the same shot again. An echo. Tracking shot over the desert, speeded up - tumbleweed, brush, sand - the camera zooms towards the little house - and then - abruptly - zooms backwards and up and away.

Huh?

What was that?

Sam wakes up - in bed with Peg - and we get a voiceover: "Not time to get up yet. After I milk the cows ... I'll get to school ..." and BOOM. Sam's eyes open. Alarmed, alert. Cows? Milk? Where did that come from and what did that have to do with Tom Stratton? Suddenly: some details come back. Rushing, in a flood. He grew up on a dairy farm. In Indiana. He remembers! He remembers too -with a flood of sadness - that his father has died. Yet ... hope comign back ... his father was alive in 56!!! So ... what? Sam still doesnt' know much - his last name - anything - but he's got enough to go on. So he goes to the phone. To try to call his dad.

This moment will become VERY important in future episodes - and CRUCIAL in the last episode. If Ziggy, the hybrid computer, is NOT in control, then who is? Thank goodness the show did not go in a Touched by an Angel direction because that would have ruined it and made it sanctimonious and evangelical, which would have turned me right off. It's not about a particular message. Al and Sam always refer to the force leaping Sam around as "God ... or time ... or whoever ..." which I appreciated. And I believe in God. But to me, God is a private business and any relationship I have is between me and Him. Don't try to "tell me" about God. Especially not if you have the arrogance to think that you "know". That is not just insulting, but HARMFUL to something that is actually divine to me. And I will protect that which I believe to be divine from LITERAL-minded people. The irony is that those people are "religious". Spare me, Lord, from the "religious"!! I add my cry of protest to the many others before me who have cried out such a thing! But I appreciated that non-specific spiritual vibe about the show. It was about people being GOOD, about making the right choices, about getting a second chance, about redemption - all things that we, in our measly little lives, could also see, and use ... if we just opened our eyes, stopped for a second, and got beyond our own egos. What would it be like to get a second chance? To forgive? To let go? To make right? The show didn't attempt to answer the big questions - however!!! It certainly POSED the questions - and left it at that. I loved that. Who the hell is leaping Sam around? We THOUGHT it was the computer itself ... but if Ziggie is playing catch-up and isn't the boss ... then who is in charge here?

The last episode, in Season 5, attempts to address this. But what I love is that here - in the first episode of the whole series - with the computer (signified by the zooming tracking shot over the desert) TRYING to retrieve Sam ... and then ... uhm ... for whatever reason ... being unable to do so... and bouncing back off into the space/time continuum ... the struggle has already begun. The struggle always was: Will Sam allow himself to leap back? Or, as Al puts it bluntly later, "You wouldn't leap!!:

Now WHY wouldn't Sam leap?

Ahhhhhhhhhh, that is the question.

Stick around til Season 5. It's STILL the question ... and the series confronts it head on in the very last episode and it nearly burst my heart into a million pieces.

Back to our current episode: "Genesis". Sam (or Tom) has promised his young son to take him fly-fishing (even though Sam has no idea what he's doing with fly-fishing!) It is during this father-son trip that Sam bumps into Al, yet again ... only this time Al genesis25.jpghas appeared, out of nowhere, wearing pumpkin-orange pajamas, a black and white patterned bathrobe, and is drinking coffee = out in the middle of the wilderness - moaning about his hangover-headache. "Pleeeeeeeease don't yell!"

Now there is NO reason for Tux-dude to be out in the mountains in his pajamas ... so Sam finally confronts the weirdness. "Who. Are. You." Al, who is coming off a bender and looks pretty much the worse for wear, says, nonchalantly, "I'm a man. Just like you." Sam, who has already swiped his hand through Al, says, "No. Not like me." Al relents and gives him a BIT of information ... but warns him that "most of what you're gonna want to know is restricted ... so it would probably be better if you don't ask too many questions."

Just a small bit of trivia: This pajama scene was the scene that Dean Stockwell auditioned with. Tommy mentioned in his post (sorry, no permalink!!) that it was his favorite scene and it's one of mine as well. It establishes who Al is. Al has a complicated social life back in the present day ... and he's not a "drop everything for work" kind of guy. Even though he's totally dedicated to the project. Tommy puts it perfectly in his post:

Al,hung over and in his pajamas, while Sam is fishing? Classic, and probably my favorite scene from this episode. I just like the whole thing where Al Calavicci is dealing with what could be the most groundbreaking development in history and science, with the Quantum Leap technology. Add to that the whole deal where his friend is trapped in history, quite possibly in great peril. But Al, at times, looks at the whole thing as something of a hindrance to his social agenda. I enjoy that idea, that the whole "Save Sam" thing might just fall to second or third on Al's social agenda, from time to time. Al personifies the whole "work to live, not live to work" mindset.

Al shows up - in the wildnerness - in his pajamas ... and you know there's a whole swirling cornucopia of sexual dysfunction and debauchery that is behind his bedraggled appearance ... but Sam (and that's part of the humor of their dynamic) never wants to hear the details. He's not the kind of male friend who will be like, "Tell me everything!" He's always mildly horrified at Al's indulgences. So here is Sam, terrified that he is going to have to fly the X-2 on Tuesday!! A death-defying act for a trained pilot - and Sam doesn't even know how to fly!! And here this "Al" dude shows up, in pajamas, hung over, with some woman at home in the future, wrapped up naked in his crumpled-up sheets? What the hell? THIS is the guy assigned to the project? Couldn't we have gotten a guy who was married ... who had more focus? And not so ... on the prowl, for God's sake?

Sam says to Al, cold, panicked, "This Ziggy will be ready to retrieve me on Tuesday? That'll be a bit late. I'm scheduled to fly the X 2 on Monday." There's a long pause, and then Al says ruefully, "Have you ever thought of taking flying lessons?"


Part 3 (the last part, I swear!) to come tomorrow ...



Quantum Leap: Before we begin ...

Part 1: Episode 1 of Quantum Leap: Genesis

Let's try Tommy's permalink: He's already on Episode 2 - I love his observations ... it's making me see new things in the show. Go check out his reviews (scroll, scroll!)

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Quantum Leap: Season 1, Episode 1: Genesis

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LEAP INTO: September 13, 1956

Sam: I can't fly!
Al: I'll help you!
Sam: You're a hologram!
Al: I'm also an ex-astronaut.

Sam Beckett - on his first quantum leap - finds himself in the body of Tom Stratton, a test pilot in 1956.

UPDATE: I have naturally gone overboard. Here's part 1 of my re-cap. Part 2 to follow. I have it written up, just need to get it together.

So enjoy the NOVEL that is Part 1!!

EPISODE 1: GENESIS

The episode opens on a dark desert landscape, with towering dark mesas, and a starry sky overhead, a nod to Close Encounters. We see a road stretching off into the night. Then we see headlights in the distance, and in what feels like a VERY short time (dude is driving way too fast) - the car zips into the foreground. This is our introduction to Admiral Al Calavicci (Dean Stockwell). We get a closeup of him at the wheel. He is wearing a tuxedo, a silk scarf, and a glow in the dark blue pin on his lapel in the shape of a star. He's listening to music and zoning out to the beat. He's obviously coming from some function, dressed like that. Or, knowing Al's wardrobe choices from the rest of the series, perhaps not. Perhaps he just saw the tux in his closet and thought, "You know what? I look damn good in that. I'm wearing it to the movies tonight." Then you can see him get a glimpse of something coming up on the road. And the eyebrows - the thick eyebrows - raise, and the eyes go flat and focused. Like a snake. Or a shark. Whatever: like a predator who has spotted its prey.

genesis2.jpgWe see what he sees. I love Tommy's point about how funny it is, sometimes, to see interpretations of the future. We know, later (it's not revealed in this first episode) - that the present day date in the show is 1999. The show was filmed in 1989, so this is their interpretation of what life/fashion/cars might be like 10 years in the future. Women, (who are not strippers, I mean), will wear stilettoes with flashing lights in the heels, apparently.

Now I want to talk a bit about this female character. She is a babealicious woman, wearing a tight pink dress, and she stands by her car on an empty desert road. Al ends up picking her up, and they have some sexy chatter about Al's car ("It's an experimental model," Al tells her) - and then, at some point, as they drive - she notices billowing white "clouds" off in the distance. She wonders what is going on. He lies and says, "It's sheet lightning." She doesn't buy it. "I can still see the stars. Thats not lightning." She begins to wonder, "That's near where they let off the first atomic bomb ... Apparently there's still some top secret program being run out there ..." Al, looking at those white strange clouds, starts to get nervous and calls the office. Gushie (the technician running the thing) is screaming that Sam has decided to "leap" ahead of schedule, and he's already in the accelerating chamber. Al is shouting into his phone: "WE'RE NOT READY!" Etc. Finally, it's too urgent, so he says, "I'll be there in 2 minutes" - and off the car goes, towards the white clouds.

Now Pink Lady gets a lot of "chatter" on the Quantum Leap airwaves. Throughout the entire series, Al is dating (and cheating on, and getting back together with, and obsessing over) a woman named "Tina". He's always popping back into Sam's world saying, "Tina's mad at me ..." or "I should have stayed in bed with Tina" ... Like: Sam is dealing with some life or death stuff, he's quantum leaping through time, and Al appears, all upset over some relationship drama he's having in the present. It's hysterical. In, I think, Season 3 - when we finally get to see what the "offices" of Project Quantum Leap look like - and we get to meet Gushie and the rest of the staff - we meet Tina. She is just what you have pictured, from how Al talks about her: she has a high squeaky voice, a Brooklyn accent, and she wears clothes so tight that you could read the date on a dime in her back pocket. She also wears bright flashing earrings and heels, like the dame in Episode 1. If you check it on IMDB - the dame we see in Episode 1 is named "Tina". So. Hmmm. There's a bit of a mystery here, for us obsessives. Is this THE Tina? Even though it's not the same actress we see a couple seasons later? By putting her in flashing light accessories, aren't they telling us: Same gal? But it appears in Episode 1 that Al is meeting Tina for the first time. So there are some genesis3.jpgtheories that this "ooh, I have a flat, I'm so scared in the desert, and you're a guy in a tux who picks me up" is a sex-game that they're playing, where they take on roles and act stuff out. You know, Tina drove ahead, punctured her tire, and posed by her car, waiting for Al, the "scary stranger" to come get her. And if you watch the scene that way, it does work. (Kind of.) The two of them immediately leap to the sex innuendo and double entendre - it's not just him. But then a couple seconds later, as they drive off together, and she sees the "quantum leap" clouds on the horizon and starts to ask questions about it ... it really seems like they have just met. So there is also a theory that this is the first time Al picked Tina up, this is their first meeting - and because of the emergency situation with Sam leaping ahead of time - Al had to involve her in the top-secret project, which gave her high classification, and so she went on staff. This doesn't QUITE hold water, though - because in a couple of episodes, Al mentions that he and Tina met "over a poker table in Vegas" - and he also, in that same episode, talks about Tina's tattoo - and he asks Sam, "Have you ever seen her tattoo?" which means that Sam and Tina have met - which means that Al had to be dating Tina BEFORE Sam leapt. Ahhhhhh, tis one of life's most enduring mysteries! Is the woman in pink with the flashing heels THE Tina? Her name is never mentioned ... but she is listed in the cast as being "Tina". If Sam HAS met Tina, then we have to go with the theory that Al and Tina are already dating, and they are doing a role-playing game: "Okay, you be the damsel in distress on the dark highway. And I'll be the guy in the tux who picks you up." Which would totally make sense in terms of what we know about Al, and his kinky-ness.

Obsessive ramblings over.

I love their dialogue in their first interaction. He leans out the car window, looking at her like she is DINNER. Muses, looking her up and down: "Do you know what I would love to do? ... I would loooove to .... fix that flat for you. But I can't." He makes a gesture at his tux, like: I can't grease up my fine digs. What a gentleman! She says, cool, sexy, "Let me guess. You're late for your wedding." And Al replies, suave, "How could I be late? We've only just met."

HA. I mean: the CHEESE of the guy!! But he says it with such confidence and unselfconsciousness - it somehow isn't gross, but funny and honest. Love it.

More importantly, what the first scene tells us is: Sam (whoever he is) has "leapt" ahead of time. The project is not "ready" yet. And Sam, against the advice of everyone, has jumped into the accelerating chamber (the famous blue-lit Leonardo DaVinci pose in the post below) - and "leapt".

A couple things that are very interesting about the pilot episode (and sorry, I know I'm all over the place here):

-- Throughout the rest of the series, it becomes a convention that the "leaps" "Swiss-Cheese" Sam's brain. Yes, "swiss-cheese" becomes a verb on this show. There are holes in Sam's memory. He forgets (for example) that he knows how to play the piano ... until a very crucial moment when it comes back to him. It helps a lot in terms of the charm of the show - because he's not strolling around in a state of expertise, thinking, "Oh! I know how to fix this! Piece of cake! I'm a doctor in my 'real' life - this will be no problem!" No - he just has chunks of his memory, chunks of his old personality ... and suddenly, in an improvisational urgent moment ... he'll remember. Wait a second ... I know how to do this. (Or he just relies on Al, who has lived a wide life, with many different experiences, and can say, "Hey, I was a trapeze artist once ... here's what you do ...") Etc.

But in the pilot episode: Sam wakes up in a bed. There is a voiceover (which they use, as a convention, much more in the first season than in others ... they're filling us in, they're finding their way ... ) Sam opens his eyes, looks around. "Who am I?" says the voiceover. He can't even remember his own name. How disorienting and frightening that would be! He realizes he is in bed with a woman. Voiceover: "I have no memory of going to bed with this woman ..." She gets up and goes to the door ... murmuring, "I'll put the coffee on ..." and Sam sees then that she is about 6 months pregnant. He is stunned. WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Did I just have a drunken one-night stand with a pregnant lady? She is calling him "Tom". Poor Sam. "Is my name genesis5.jpgTom? Why don't I remember anything?" He doesn't remember Project Quantum Leap. He remembers NOTHING. She comes over to him and hugs him. He hugs her back, but he is scared. Of her stomach, of his amnesia ... he doesn't know why she knows him!

By the second episode of Quantum Leap, Sam gets the hang of things. He may not know why he is "there", and he may not know how to, oh, drag-race, or disco dance ... but he knows the rules of the game. Meaning: pretend you ARE the person you've leapt into, just go with it, and information will come, if you sit back and let it. Don't tell anyone, "I'm not this guy - my name is Sam!" Don't reveal the project. Don't reveal who you are. As far as the world is concerned, you are the person you've leapt into. But in the pilot episode, Sam Beckett has not learned all of those rules yet. He wanders around, at first, like a sleepwalker - and then throughout the episode, he keeps telling people - his wife, his co-pilot, his buddies, "I'm not Tom." "I can't fly." The script has it set up that Tom Stratton, the character, is a big practical joker - and that he also is trying to hoodwink the military doctor on the project - just as a joke. The test pilots are all breaking records, flying faster than any man has ever flown before - and, just to bust on the overly serious doctor, they'll report back, "You know, after I broke Mach-2, I forgot where I parked my car." It's in the script that Tom Stratton is the ringleader of all of this, so SOME of his "I can't fly" stuff makes sense to those around him. "Are you setting up a gag or something??" his wife asks him.

In later episodes, no matter how dire the situation gets - Sam never "breaks character" and pleads: "I can't do this - I don't know how to do this - I'm Sam Beckett!" He figures stuff out, he accepts the rules of the Quantum Leap.

But when he wakes up in bed with a pregnant woman, he doesn't know the rules.

genesis6.jpgAnd when he gets into the shower (wearing his underwear - his wife thinks he's lost it) and sees himself in the mirror for the first time, he is terrified. I mean, just imagine the freakout. You look - and it's not you! Later on in the series, Sam knows the drill. He leaps in - and after getting the lay of the land, figuring out the situation - he does his best to find a mirror or some reflective surface so he can see what other people see when they look at him. But in "Episode 1", Sam looks in the mirror, and sees another guy. Scott Bakula does a great job with all of this. You want to shake him and say, "Just go with it - it's gonna be okay ..." but that's part of the effectiveness of those first couple scenes - Sam's complete disorientation. He's trying to deal with the information as it comes to him. His wife mentions something about how if he's feeling sick he "won't fly today ..." The horror begins to dawn: "Fly?" Sam realizes he has a son. "I'm a daddy?" says the voiceover.

The voiceover keeps saying, like a mantra, "This is a dream ... it's just a dream ... you'll wake up soon ... this is just a dream ..." Bakula has a really nice acting moment around here: He's in the shower, just standing there, and the voiceover is saying, "This is a dream ..." Sam, moving on autopilot, gets some shaving cream and rubs it on his chin - and in that moment, that sensory moment of smelling the shaving cream, of feeling it on his face - the reality of it ... it starts to dawn on him that this really doesn't feel like a dream. This seems REAL. It's all in how Bakula smells that shaving cream - and I, in the audience, can practically smell it myself from how he plays that moment.

Sam begins to realize that he has gone back in time. genesis8.jpgHowdy Doody is on the damn television. Out of the blue, the phone # to the Quantum Leap offices comes into his head and he tries to call it - but obviously cannot get through. He asks, "What's the area code?" and his wife says, confused, "Area code??" He runs outside to take a look around and sees all the 1950s jalopies parked about. A jet zooms by overhead and Sam watches it pass, the shaving cream still on his face, whipping off in the wind. (Apparently that was an effect Bellisario wanted: the bits of shaving cream flying off his face. So they had enormous fans pointed at poor Scott Bakula, and he was half naked, and freezing to death - but it just goes to show you the level of detail Bellisario had in his mind, and the moment truly helps, in the larger context of the story: If this were a DREAM, would you have bits of shaving cream flying off in the blast from the jet? Isn't this too REAL to be a dream?)

In the next scene: Sam (with little pieces of Kleenex on his face from where he obviously cut himself shaving - nice detail. Sam would obviously be used to an electric razor, so in trying to shave using Tom Stratton's razor, he cut his face up) genesis9.jpgis in the car with Captain Birdell (or "Birddog") - a good friend, and also a test pilot. It's all very Right Stuff-ish, their dynamic. Those dudes were tough. And wild. I'll also say this: There's a HUGE nod to Only Angels Have Wings in Episode 1 of Quantum Leap. Donald Bellisario was a pilot. And anyone who was a pilot and who has any love for aviation has seen Only Angels Have Wings. There's a moment a couple of scenes later when two of the test pilots are bantering about a blonde girl they're going to fight over later - once they land their plane. This is a direct nod to Only Angels Have Wings - and the rivalry between two pilots for Jean Arthur, and Cary Grant, the boss, shouting into the microphone up to his pilot, "JUST KEEP YOUR MIND ON THE JOB AND FORGET ABOUT THAT BLONDE!"

Enter Bruce McGill. And I'm with Tommy: he's never been "that guy" to me, even though he's one of our best character actors. He is ALWAYS memorable, and one of my favorite actors, period. The scene where he blows up in The Insider? "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE." Seriously, you can see the other actor in the scene suddenly get frightened. He's SO good. So so good. Now: sorry, I know these posts are gonna be all over the place, but I figure it's my party and I'll ramble if I want to: The mysterious and haunting final episode of Quantum Leap - which I won't talk about yet - also features Bruce McGill, in a very very important role. Way more important than the one he has here in Episode 1. Now I know that when they filmed the "last" episode, they were not aware that it would be the last ... but still; there is a beautiful symmetry at having Bruce McGill in both the first and the last genesis10.jpgepisodes (especially considering the character he plays in the LAST episode.) I love Bruce McGill. He's my kind of actor. A journeyman, basically. Just damn good at what he does. Makes the "stars" look better than they are, just by supporting them so well. And never (or rarely) gets the glory. A fine actor. So. Here he is! Bruce McGill plays "Weird Ernie", the "boss" of the project. The test pilots have all gathered together before their next run, to go over some things. Bruce McGill, in his soft-spoken utterly real way, rules the scene. Sam (as Tom) sits back, trying to smile, trying to look as cocksure and nonchalant as the other guys (and failing miserably). He already tried to tell Birddog that he "can't fly" and Birddog laughed it off.

And it is in this scene that we first see Al - the hologram - appear. Sam, with the Swiss-Cheese effect, does not remember anything about anything - so he thinks it's just some weird guy wearing a white doctor's coat OVER a tuxedo (hilarious - Al is still wearing the tuxedo from the first scene) smiling at him like he knows him. Who is that guy? Why is he staring at me when I'm not talking?? He's creeping me out. Totally. Does he know me? But how could he? Why is he looking at me like that??? genesis12.jpg Al tries to talk to Sam, and Sam, confused, keeps walking on. He has to go, uhm, fly a PLANE now ... he can't be bothered with crazy tux-wearing doctors who act all cozy and familiar with him.

Now just a few words about production design because it MUST be said. The production designer, the art director, and the cinematographer - worked so well here (and in other episodes) to create an entire look and feel. This does not feel thrown together. It does not feel like it is filmed on a backlot at a studio. It has a feeling of reality to it. Like a mini-movie. The attention to detail, first of all: check out the kitchen. Everything in that kitchen is "period". And there's the detail, too, that when the planes take off - the vibrations are so strong that the little round washing machine in the corner shuffles across the room, like a little R2D2, and she, as she pours a cup of coffee, pushes it back into its corner with her foot. THAT is "detail". THAT makes you realize that you are not looking just at a 'set' - but at somebody's home. They live there. It is 1956. The wife (played by the wonderful Jennifer Runyon, now retired - Ghostbusters fans will recognize her immediately) kicks the washing machine back in a casual "Oh, you again?" manner that breathes life into the "set", into the "period". genesis16.jpgShe doesn't seem to be an actress wearing a "period" costume. She seems to actually live in that house. And that takes a group effort, not just a good actress. That takes an art director to give her a kitchen that looks like that, that feels lived in ... and a writer/producer/director who knows that when jets took off in those earlier days of aviation - houses would shake, and appliances would dance across the floor. DETAIL. Art Direction by Cameron Birnie (was nominated for an Emmy 4 times for Quantum Leap) and Peg McClellan, Set Decoration by Robert L. Zilliox (see the clock on the shelf? The little salt shakers? that's Zilliox) and the cinematographer was Roy H. Wagner. So Wagner is responsible for the look of the following spectacular shots:

genesis19.jpg

genesis14.jpg

genesis35.jpg

This is not your regular "television" cinematography. This is high-level artistry. These shots feel real. Not only do they feel real - but never for a moment do I not believe that we AREN'T in the desert in 1956, with a bunch of test pilots. They use some stock footage of jets - which also gives a documentary feel to the episode ... but shots like those above were generated by the Quantum Leap team. No wonder the show was a hit. Look at that. Let us not forget David Hemmings, the director of the whole episode, for keeping this all a somewhat coherent whole.

Sam must now face the music, the thing he has been dreading. He has to get into that huge jet ... and ... fly? But ... nobody seems to be listening to him when he says he can't fly! However, much to his relief - it appears that Birddog is the pilot, and he just has to sit in the co-pilot seat and relax. genesis15.jpgUntil Birddog says the fateful words, "I gotta take care of Mother Nature - could you bring her up to 25?" and leaves the cockpit ... with nary another word! Sam is now at the controls. The nightmare has begun. I love hearing Bakula basically just start screaming, as the plane tilts to one side. The scream starts low, and then builds: "ahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...." Like: seriously, dude. His co-workers and the guys on the ground must be like: what the HELL is he screaming about????


Part 2 to come .... almost done!!

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September 17, 2007

Quantum Leap: Before we begin

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A few words of overview. (And, like Tommy said in his starting post (his permalink function doesn't work - so you have to scroll down - he has two posts up on Quantum Leap - one an overview, and one on the first episode - which I LOVED reading!!) - Anyhoo, like he said, this will develop. I'm not sure how I will tackle this project right now ... so I'll make it up as I go. And probably some episodes will warrant more commentary by me than others ... so be it.)

Quantum Leap first aired in 1989 and ran for 5 years. It was hugely successful, as series go (and it's rather amazing to think that there are only two "leads" in the show. It's not an ensemble ... the entire thing hinges on the believability of those two guys, and their chemistry together - not a small feat) ... and it is still hugely missed by its fan base. It made Scott Bakula a household name and catapulted Dean Stockwell, already famous for 40 years by that point, into a level of fame he had never known. Nothing like a hit TV show to put you over the tipping point. It was never a mega-hit - but it had something that is even better and more valuable: a loyal fan base. That cannot be bought, it cannot be managed by a studio, it cannot be marketed or planned for. Or - it can - but something like that depends quite a bit on magic, sorry to say. Right place right time. Excuse me, but the fans of Square Pegs are STILL loyal to that show and it's been off the air how long? Long-running "hit" series WISH that they could engender the type of fanatical loyalty of Square Pegs! (In this case, "loyalty" is just another word for "love").

I liked Quantum Leap when it was first on. My boyfriend and I watched it pretty regularly. It had an interesting premise, and we liked the message aspect of it. It was usually a very satisfying hour of television.

I haven't seen 5 seconds of the show since it went off the air almost 2 decades ago . Until recently. When Dean Stockwell loomed over my horizon like some gorgeous overwhelming thick-eyebrowed dirigible! First I had to see all of his movies. That kept me quite occupied since he made his debut when he was an embryo in 1945. But then I knew - and I tingled with excitement - that I still had five seasons of Quantum Leap to watch! I didn't have to just keep watching The Boy with Green Hair to get my fix ... he had done a hugely successful series, with, whatever, many episodes a year ... and so that's what I've been doing over the last couple of months. Slowly but surely making my way thru all 5 seasons. It's been so fun. Some of the episodes I remember quite well - others not so much. Some are more successful than others - of course - but what is interesting to me, having just watched the entire series now ... is how consistent it was. You can feel them start to grab for ratings a bit in the last season - which I won't talk about yet. At least not in depth. They started to do multi-part episodes (there's a 3 parter, for example) - and also they have this whole "evil leaper" subplot (which totally did not work for me) - You can feel a bit of a grasp, like they know that perhaps it is the end. But even with that, which doesn't always work - the tone and feel of the show is remarkably consistent. The scripts are good, the art direction remains stellar (which I'll get into quite a bit - KU-DOS!! Major motion pictures should have such good and detailed art direction as Quantum Leap had), the two leads grow and develop - they are not just repeating themselves ad nauseum. Sam Beckett grows. As a man. Watch him in the first episode and then watch him in the last. He is still the same guy ... but he has developed, his soul has stretched, he's learned so much. Same with Al. Now Dean Stockwell's part could have been insufferable, a neverending bunch of SCHTICK. Not to dis schtick - and lots of Stockwell's stuff is schtick (the rolling eyes, the cigar behavior, all that) ... but he also has opportunities to show us WHY he's got the schtick, and WHY Al is the way he is ... and it just makes for really good television. Because what keeps people coming back week after week is not just the gimmick of the show - the "leap" - but the dynamic between these two guys that we came, very quickly, to care about.

It's worth its weight in gold - actor chemistry like the two of them had!

Also, just to say this - without too many spoilers: Having just watched the whole series, they did quite a good job of keeping the starting seasons loose enough, in terms of what we know about the two guys - that once you know the "end" - once you know where it's going to go ... the beginning still makes sense. We didn't have to do too much re-adjustment - like I said: it was consistent. There was no "Oh! It was all Sam Beckett's DREAM! He dreamt the entire 5 seasons!" copout. Sam's behavior in that last episode is completely consistent - and we realize that he has been moving towards that moment since Season 2.

And that wasn't even supposed to be the last episode! They didn't know that that was going to be "it" when they filmed it - which makes it even more amazing because, in a funny way, in a heartbreaking way, it was a perfect way to end the whole thing. I didn't feel gypped, or cheated, or like: Wait ... is it over??? No!

It had a beautiful symmetry to it.

So that's a testament to the solid writing throughout the series. It was always about the relationship between Sam and Al.

The "leaps" were just the context. The real MEAT of that show was with those two guys. And the payoff at the very end was immense.

Oh dear. (Or I should quote Sam Beckett: Oh boy) I am getting way ahead of myself.

But these are my thoughts on the overview. I'll get into more specifics as I go through episode by episode, which should keep me occupied until March, 2019.

Episode 1 re-cap coming up ...

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Ready to Quantum Leap?

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July 17, 2007

"Mr. Morton waaaaaaaaaaasssss ..."

Ted and Michael and I watched Schoolhouse Rock on Sunday ... what joy. I had forgotten about dear DEAR Mr. Morton. Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence, don't ya know.

The Tale of Mr. Morton

Brilliant.

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January 12, 2007

Maude on DVD

I am thrilled to hear this news.

UPDATE

THE ENTIRE POST BELOW IS OUT OF DATE. HOLY SHIT. I HAD NO IDEA. NOBODY TOLD ME.

I'm so excited. I am buying them immediately.

Out-of-date bitching to follow:

Now can we PLEASE PLEASE release 30something on DVD too? I can't tell you how many stupid Internet petitions I've signed, the basic plea being: 'We, the undersigned, wish to see 30something be released ..." I met the former president of Lifetime at a dinner party a couple years ago - and I bombarded him with questions about who owns the rights to that show (because Lifetime played the entire show in re-runs during 1994 and 1995 ... a glorious time for all 30something fans) ... I demanded to know WHY it hadn't been released. He, naturally, did not know. I then said, "Uhm ... could you re-run it again, please? Just for me?" I wasted no time with small talk with this dude.

He: "I was once the President of Lifetime."
Me: "Awesome, good for you. Now what about re-running 30something again, chappie?"

I'm sure it will be released eventually - it's just a matter of time - but seriously. That show was a phenom at the time - and I know many people hated it, and bitched about it, and yapped and whined and moaned about it - wah wah, those people are so annoying, wah wah, what privileged yuppie saps, wah wah, I hate those people!

Shut up, please. To me, the only annoying people were the ones who bitched about that show nonstop for 2 years. You hate those people? Then don't freakin' watch it. Honestly. I loved the show. To me - some of those actors on that show had acting moments that were pretty much as good as it gets - not just in terms of television acting, but in terms of acting IN GENERAL ... Patricia Wettig? Forget about it. She was extraordinary on that show. But they all were. Perhaps not Mel Harris - but she did her part fine enough ... I want to see it all again. I actually video-taped as many episodes as I could during the glorious re-run time in the mid-90s - Mitchell will remember this well, since we lived together at the time. They ran them in order - every night was a new episode, at 11:30 pm. We ran our social lives around 30something. Because we were younger then, we would make plans to go out, and meet up with our various boyfriends, AFTER we watched 30something. And I taped them all. But the tapes are going bad. They're fuzzy now, nearly unwatchable.

The situation is growing urgent.

But regardless of my 30something gripe, yay for the release of the first season of Maude!

You know what? This makes me think I need to do a whole 30something post. I remember DBW and I talking about it a while back. It would be a great post. I have SO much to say about all of those people. I still haven't recovered from Garry's death. I never will, thank you very much. I grieve about it on long winter evenings. (movie quote, anyone??)

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January 3, 2007

I believe this will only be relevant to New Englanders ...

maybe even just Rhode Island, I'm not sure ... I am pretty sure it was on channel 56, although again - I can't quite remember.

but here goes:

Okay, anyone who is vaguely my age, do you remember this song and the television show it was attached to?

Star of the day
Who will it be?
Your votes will hold the key ...

There were about 3 more lines to the song which I now cannot remember although they are juuuust at the tip of my tongue.

I would so love to watch that cheesy old show. I remember a baton-twirler. And tap dancers. And that horrible public television "set".

It was a really low-rent local American Idol type show. Genius.

But still, many fond memories.

Dan?? You're so often my go-to guy for stuff like this. Do you recall "Star of the Day"?

Or how about Beth, Betsy or Meredith? You guys remember that?

Also what's the end of that song?

If I squint, I can almost see the face of the host of that show in my mind.

Star of the day
Who will it be
Your votes will hold the key
Bah bum
Bah bum
Bah bum bum bum ba bum
Star of the
dayyyyyyy

something like that.

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December 11, 2006

being pissed at santa

So Tracey's post (very funny) about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer got me to thinking ... and I remembered I had posted something on this as well about a year ago. A memory from college.

I did find that post of mine about Rudolph and how awful Santa is in that special - I'll re-post it here - but I also dug up a very funny post from Curly about the lessons she has learned from various Christmas specials. I beg of you. Please go read it.

Okay - so on to my Rudolph story.

In college, I was hanging out with Mitchell and a couple of other friends. We were in Mitchell's beach house "down the line" - a rickety shack where we had some of our most insane cast parties. ("Down the line" basically meant you lived in a shack on the beach with your nusto friends, as opposed to in the dorms where there were things like RAs, and stuff like that. Living "down the line" was everyone's goal in college! I lived "down the line" as well.)

So - it was Christmastime. A couple of us had hung out, ordered pizza, whatever - and then we all watched Rudolph on television. We were all 19, 20, but we watched it as raptly as if we were 6.

A couple of words on Emily before the story itself. Emily was a very good friend of ours. And here are the bullet points in regards to Emily:

-- She was from the Dominican Republic

-- She grew up on the streets of Providence, Rhode Island (NOT the nice part of the city)

-- She was in a gang

-- She was a math whiz.

-- She ended up getting into college - through her math scores

-- She was the only minority female in the engineering department. Almost the only female as well. (There was a moment at the bursar's office when the lady behind the desk, finding out that Emily was Dominican, said, "Em'ly. I did not know you wasn't a Negro student." Negro? Negro?? The woman did not mean ANY harm and Emily didn't take offense - but Emily also had a high-tuned instinct for comedy ... and that bursar lady's innocent comment was funny. Emily did imitations of the poor woman for 4 years straight.)

-- She had a huge mohawk

-- She had a passion for African dance

-- She wore tiny tartan kilts, ripped black tights, and huge stomping motorcycle boots

So ... put all that together ... what do you have? Emily. Oh, and add onto that:

-- a huge laugh

-- a warm heart

-- a no-bullshit attitude towards friendship - she was as loyal as the day was long - but DO NOT MESS with her

Here's one Emily anecdote. Brooke - another girl in our crowd of friends - mentioned something about the Catholic girl's school she had gone to in Providence - let's call it St. Marks. Emily's face lit up. Sincerely. She had heard of it, she looked happy about it. And she said, "I used to throw bricks at the girls from St. Marks!" She said it in a kindly nostalgic way. Like: ohhh, those were the days, member when I threw bricks at you??

Emily got her life together in a major way and is now getting her doctorate, I believe. But back in the day, she was throwing bricks at the girls from the Catholic school.

So that's Emily. I just need to set it up because what ended up happening was even funnier because it was EMILY who said it. The tough tattooed Mohawked ex-gang member. With a calculator in her pocket.

We lay around in the living room watching Rudolph. Nobody really spoke. We were LIVING the Christmas special.

Then comes the devastating realization of Santa Claus's coldness - and how he basically shuns Rudolph from polite society. He won't let Rudolph join in the reindeer games - he won't even let him hang OUT with the other reindeer!! The red nose is something to be ashamed of. It implicates the entire North Pole venture. Santa must get rid of Rudolph as quickly as possible. Somehow, I took all of this in stride as a child - I just accepted that Santa was kind of an asshole - but suddenly, in this particular viewing, with Emily and Mitchell, it seemed unbeLIEVably unfair.

But I didn't say anything. I just thought it to myself.

And Emily, sprawled out on the couch, a cigarette dangling from her lips, an ashtray piled high with butts propped on her stomach, her legs with their ripped black fishnets hooked up over the back of the couch, said in a flat dry tone, with dead matter-of-fact eyes, "Santa is a racist motherfuckah."

There was a brief pause, as we all nodded seriously, agreeing with her - we were pissed at Santa too ... but then we all looked at Emily - the mohawk, the scary gang tattooes, the cigarette - she was our friend - but we suddenly saw her EXTERIOR ... we all looked at each other ... and just LOST IT.

We lost it so bad that we missed the rest of Rudolph pretty much. We could not get it back, we could not come down. It just kept being hilarious to us. It HURT. Because she truly MEANT it ... she wasn't saying it to be funny, she wasn't saying it in a tone of "ooh, aren't I funny" mock outrage ... she wasn't even outraged at all. She was just flatly stating the facts. We could not stop laughing. Emily was laughing so riotously that she thought she would asphyxiate - she had to go outside and get some air, walk around the frosty yard, howling to the moon with laughter.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (21)

November 7, 2006

90210 Fug

I know it's election day and everyone's all serious and stuff, and yes, I voted - but I just had to link to this. Because I have my priorities straight and there is just too much about that is funny.

One:

Those sleeves just scream "Doctor divorced from man she married because he knocked her up, back in town to try and seduce the self-righteous dude who refused to take the flower of her virginity when she offered it to him -- because he was moving back to Minneapolis -- in one of the most cringe-y scenes ever put to film, topping even the time Donna starred in David's 'Light the Match' video and was forced to wear hot pants and gyrate on the hood of a car, lighting matches under the disapproving eye of her dreamy and likewise virginal star quarterback boyfriend, Heart Condition Joe."

heh heh

And I think my favorite bit is in the text under the group shot ... the #3 of the list.

Ha!! So bitchy! So true!!

I love Jennie Garth. I want her to be my friend. She seems nice. I don't care what that sounds like, it's the God's honest truth.

And Mitchell, please let's not forget:

(First: head thrown back, throat exposed and yet somehow foreshortened as well - as though the head was smashed down with a hammer ... then shouted at the top of our lungs): "EHHHHHHHHBERRRYAN-AUSTIN-GREEN!"

Mitchell, what was our problem. Why were we such losers.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (30)

October 5, 2006

Johnny Carson ...

I watched my Rat Pack DVD last night again - a concert they gave in St. Louis - Dean, Frank and Sammy - with a kind of awkward Johnny Carson standing in for Joey Bishop. Carson, at times, seemed kind of lost up there with those 3 improvisational lunatics. He was trying to say something to the audience at one point, standing in front - and suddenly - you can hear the audience start to howl - something else is going on - and then into the frame walks Dean Martin, and he is holding Sammy Davis Jr. in his arms, as though Sammy is a young baby. Sammy is holding a drink and a cigarette in one hand. But anyway, Johnny is talking and suddenly - here comes THESE two and Dean walks right up to the mike and says, "I'd like to thank the NAACP for this wonderful trophy ..." It comes from out of nowhere, and it is hilarious. Sammy's face, too - this kind of pissed passive face ... It's hysterical.

But Johnny - while a bit like a fish out of water - - he was charming, also humble, and a sweet host, really connecting with the audience.

Look at his youth.

johnny1.jpg

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (6)

July 27, 2006

O'Malley commentary accompanying our group viewing of ....

Follow That Bird:

It was me, Bren, Melody, Siobhan, Jean, and Cash:


-- "Ohhhh! There's Barkley!" (in a fond tone of: "There's my old friend!")

-- "How does Grover fly?" "Why is he a superhero?" "Is he a real superhero?" "Why does Grover fly?" (all of this from Cashel. We each tried to explain Grover's clumsy super-hero status ... but Cashel obviously still didn't really buy it.)

-- "Uhm ... why is Linda cuddling up next to Gordon at the campfire?"

(This concerned us greatly and we kept talking about it. What about Susan? Just because Susan is stuck back at Mr. Hooper's store manning the phones means Gordon isn't married anymore? Uhm - no. Back off, Linda!! Also - not to be too cute about it: What about Bob? Do you have no feelings for Bob anymore, Linda? Are you just using Bob for sex? What the HELL is going on with you, Linda?)

More in this realm:

-- "Linda's behavior at the campfire was completely inappropriate."

-- "Cookie!! Stop eating the car! Please!"

-- I discovered, yet again, how much I love Gordon. Even though he is obviously cheating on Susan with the deaf chick who has no boundaries at the campfire. I LOVE Gordon. He might be my favorite of all the humans on that show. And he gets to do a big stunt on a moving car at the end of this movie which was thrilling.

-- "I don't trust Linda. I really don't. I feel bad for Susan."

-- "Ohhhhh, Snuffy. It's gonna be okay."

-- "Poor Snuffy. Does anyone believe in his existence yet?"

-- We absolutely DIED when the Count was counting the keys, which were being held by Gordon's floozy deaf mistress. Everyone was supposed to be quiet. Linda took out one key - Count, because he just can't HELP IT - declared loudly, "One! One key!!!" Everyone shushed him. Linda took out the next key. The camera goes back to Count, standing there next to Cookie. And Count whispers, "Two keys!" We DIED. Like ... he CANNOT help himself. It is a compulsion and we must not get annoyed with him!!


Speaking of Follow That Bird (which is really really good, by the way) - here's a trivia quiz!!

Follow That Bird Trivia Quiz

I got 70% right. Bah. I bet Jean and Siobhan will KILL on this quiz.

Funny, though - no mention of Gordon's infidelity on the quiz. Hmmmmmm.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (8)

June 7, 2006

Sopranozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So ... what did you think of the Sopranos finale?

Here's my response: I thought this season started off with a huge BANG - and the whole Tony-in-an-alternate-universe thing was, I think, one of my favorite things I've ever seen on the show. It was truly eerie. And it confirmed my belief (that I have held since True Romance way back when - when I was like: "Oh. My. God. WHO IS THAT ACTOR??") that James Gandolfini is a marvelous actor - with WAY more range than he is ever allowed to play.

And I thought the finale was a major snooze-fest, culminating in a silent family tableau around the Christmas tree. No tension, no cliffhanger, no NOTHIN' ... I mean, I guess I should care about AJ with the Puerto Rican girlfriend ... and Christopher using drugs again with Juliana Marguiles (she's supposed to be a druggie? Yeah, right.) ... but ... but ...

The finale is supposed to leave you DYING for more. Everyone knows that.

Of course I will tune in to their FINAL season which will go on a year from now - but I really think the whole momentum they had built up in the first three episodes petered out sadly. I'm disappointed.

The one thing which I truly felt WORKED, in terms of me thinking: "Wow ... wonder how this will play out ... I MUST tune in to the next season" ... was Carmela's growing curiosity about what happened to Adriana, even going so far as to call a private detective.

She is now (unwittingly - or can she be that ignorant??) investigating her own husband's dirty work ... and the ending of that cannot be good.

But still.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


By contrast - Big Love - a show which I found particularly boring all season (and yet - hmmmm - somehow couldn't stop watching it) had a FANTASTIC finale. HOLY CRAPOLA. Now THAT was a finale.

Jeanne Tripplehorn. Who knew?? That woman can ACT. The moment at the very end ... when she is revealed ... the LOOK on her face ... You just can feel her blood turn to ice.

Now I NEED to see what happens next with that messed-up family.

But the Sopranos?? What were they thinking? That just wasn't a good finale. It felt like the lead-up to the final show, not the final show itself.


Glad to see I am not alone in my assessment.


Wutzizname's predictions!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (24)

I was wrong .... again

So I admitted my EGREGIOUS mistake in blowing off Patrick Dempsey for 20 years. I'm still in shock at my own moronic lack of judgment.

And now I must admit how unbeLIEVABLY wrong I was ... again ... in thinking Kathy Griffin was annoying. I was so MEAN to her when she did the red carpet thing at the Oscars, 2005. She was fired from that job, by the way. As was Star Jones. (My opinion of Star Jones' awfulness remains intact.) But now Kathy Griffin has basically taken over the Bravo channel - and I cannot get enough of her. I love her. I love her SO MUCH. Again: what was my problem???

Alex tried to explain to me why I was wrong. She did so gently, and with tremendous patience. (Uhm. Not.)

For whatever reason, Griffin rubbed me the wrong way. And now I am literally a HUGE fan.

Her observations, her fearlessness ... Can't get enough.

There's a moment in one of her stand-up routines when she talks about how nervous it makes her to be around white people who NEED to pretend they are black. She says she doesn't know where to look, or ... all she wants to do is glance at a nearby African American and check in with THEM to see if it's okay ... All of this came about because she was in Eminem's Slim Shady video - and she said Eminem's entire entourage is black, but Eminem was the blackest-acting person there. "Eminem is so black - now that is a black man. But Justin Timberlake ... Justin Timberlake is practically Nubian right now."

Favorite stories of hers:

-- Her imitation of Gwyneth Paltrow on David Letterman (and everywhere else, actually) - amazing imitation - how does one imitate Gwyneth?? Watch Kathy Griffin - it's spot on.
-- The moment backstage with Celine Dion, where Kathy Griffin was so nervous she realized at one point that she was petting Celine Dion's long hair
-- The humorlessness of the Destiny's Child girls - hahahahahaha
-- "Justin Timberlake is practically Nubian right now." Nubian?? sooooo funny
-- Getting a call that Steven Spielberg was "personally upset" with her and her response ("He's personally upset with me? So ... that means I won't be starring in any more Spielberg movies?? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck you!")
-- The whole story of Barbra Streisand on Oprah (I wish I had seen that interview!) - and then Kathy Griffin's moment with Oprah a couple months later - GENIUS!!!
-- Her saying, "I'm so far to the left that I'm basically a Sandinista." hahahahahahahahahahaha
-- Her stories of going to Afghanistan and basically losing it - going right up to a group of local men and saying, "Hi! LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT MY FACE. YUP. HERE IS MY WHORE-FACE. PLAIN AND CLEAR. I'M AN AMERICAN WOMAN! LOOK AT MY FACE." Forcing them to shake hands with her, even though they didn't want to. "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT IN AMERICA. SHAKE MY HAND, YOU FUCKER." And some kindly Marine basically dragging her away ....
-- She's done a couple USO tours - awesome stories all along the way ... Standing on the platform in the middle of the desert, with a huge audience, saying, "Can't we have our next war in, oh, St. Lucia or something??"
-- Her whole obsession with Clay Aiken - and seeing him backstage at his show in Vegas. HYSTERICAL. Her observations about him ... I mean, she loves him ... but he gets NO slack from her!!
-- Saying to the audience, "You guys are actually nervous that I'm making fun of Oprah right now."

The woman is a breath of fresh air.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

(What's next? I'm going to suddenly realize that Jewel has been an awesome singer/songwriter all along? I'm going to suddenly develop a deep appreciation for Mischa Barton's phenomenal acting? What next??)

But in this case, it's a PLEASURE to be proven wrong - because Kathy Griffin is just a JOY.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (49)

May 25, 2006

Excuse me ...

.. but Prince was on American Idol last night. I still haven't recovered. It was like I saw my entire life flash before me ... I have SO MANY MEMORIES attached to Prince songs, and there he was ... with those HOT BABES doing Laugh-in-esque go-go dancing, although robotically. It was, frankly, smokin' hot and I lost my mind. I mean ... he is such a showman.

SHIIIIIIT. I love Prince and I have been ignoring him for way too long.

My jaw literally dropped when he came out.

All the stars came out last night - I mean: DIONNE WARWICK AND FECKIN' BURT BACHARACH!!!!!!! I can't stand it. I cannot stand it. Bacharach looked kinda rickety, but come on - he's an octogenarian, practically - but what a nice vibe he has, what ease he has, right?? And Dionne. Talk about ease. Please. She looked fantastic, and she sounded even better.

Mary J. Blige came on and pretty much showed, in person, why Katherine McPhee sucks. Katherine McPhee sucks, people. I will not lower my standards of what I expect from performers just because the American Idol people are amateurs. Nope. I'm with Simon on that one. Will people PAY to see you do that? Does it stand up to real performers? To my mind, Katherine is a glorified version (prettied up by stylists) of a musical-theatre geek, on a community theater level. She's stiff - she looked like she didn't know HOW to commit to the arm movements in "I'm every woman" - she kept glancing at the girls on either side of her ... EW. She's a very lucky girl to have gotten that far on so little natural ability. Maybe she has a pretty vibrato, and white teeth but in terms of putting herself out there? Actually USING herself? Actually sharing herself? She SUCKS. Give me Taylor any day. He seems to know who he is, and he is not shy about sharing it. And THAT is what a star is ... way more than the voice. (I also don't think McPhee is all that good a singer. I just don't. She has about 10 notes where she can feel confident - and that's not enough. Or - it's certainly not enough if you're going to be stiff, precious, cautious, and afraid to move your arms. I find her INTENSELY BORING to watch.) But back to Mary J. Blige ... I've always liked her, but watching her last night was truly remarkable. She just GOES for it when she sings. There is no barrier between herself, her voice, and her audience. She lets her talent flow - I just loved how generous she was to Elliot too, holding his hand, but still: I got goosebumps watching her.

But let's get back to Prince.

Holy mackerel. He looked great, he sounded great - and I'm serious: about 10 separate VERY SPECIFIC memories floated through my head as I watched him.

Prince. I'm a fan of his for life - in the same way that I'm a fan of Margaret Atwood's for life - even through her bad books, her pretentious nonsense - don't care. I'll buy every damn book she writes. Same with Prince. I don't care what he does, become a symbol (literally), tattoo stuff on his body, pose nude, go into hiding like Kane ... whatever. He's incredible. I just forgot about him for a while.

Prince showing up made the night for me. The memories .... good, bad, ugly, life-changing ... I've got so many that are attached to his music. Need to buy a ton of his albums - I used to have them all (on CASSETTE TAPE) and this must be rectified. I can't not have Prince in my life anymore.

Oh yeah. And congrats, Taylor! I'm psyched for you. You deserve it.

But for me the whole night was about Mary J. Blige and Prince. Now THOSE people are stars.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (107)

May 18, 2006

Mona ya Guppeeeee

To my siblings: A huge article about the Eurovision song contest. Which SO obsessed us when we were in Ireland as kids. Or - maybe I should say it obsessed Jean and me. Brendan was too busy accidentally putting salt on his corn flakes, and taking naps, and Siobhan was 4 years old, screaming at Irish children who stared at her inappropriately in the library. YOU GO, SIOBHAN! STICK UP FOR YOURSELF! You are only 2 feet tall, but you have dignity!!

Meanwhile, Jean and I became so wrapped up in the Eurovision song contest that we would literally hijack the television at whatever B &B we were staying in. "We have to get back from the monastery we're looking at by 8 pm because Eurovision is on!!" we would plead with our parents. Monastery shmonastery. Let's see some pop music! Sung in languages we do not understand!

Our two favorite songs were performed by Sweden and Cypress. We did not understand the language. But to this day, we can still sing the tune ... and our made-up lyrics.

Song from Sweden - sung by two blonde hottie women:

"Dag after dag
Goin' for a long way I can say
Dag after dag
Goin' for a long way I can say-ayyyy
And when I wake up this mornin'
I know where I am goin'
Who's got it all?
Neww-ewww Yo-ork
Dag after dag"

What the hell? As our family careened over the Burren in our tiny car, Jean and I, scrunched in the back seat, would sing that "song" at the top of our lungs.

Then there was some gorgeous dark-haired woman from Cypress - who would stand totally still onstage, a la Katherine McPhee ...

I only remember the title, and this is in our own butchered interpretation of what she was saying in her native tongue:

Mona ya Guppee

That was her song. Her big hit. Mona ya Guppee. Don't ask me what it means, but it was very melancholy.

Eurovision is not known by Americans at all - however, it was responsible for launching Riverdance - but the O'Malley kids have HUGE memories of the time in Ireland when the song contest took over our entire lives. We were SO. INTO. IT.

Peteb has made a joke that - because whoever wins the Eurovision song contest (whatever country, I mean) - then has to host the contest the next year - and for the last 30 years (hahahaha, whatever) Ireland has won - for many years, the announcer would open the contest saying, "Here we are, broadcasting yet again from Dublin ..."

I have always wished they would broadcast the thing here - and now it looks like that might happen.

And when I wake up this morning
I know where I am going
Who's got it all?
New-ew Yoo-ork
Dag after dag ....


Words to live by, people, words to live by.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (10)

May 10, 2006

Collage of influence

.... from childhood.

There are a couple missing - I just could not find adequate images for them - they are so obscure, and I need the images to make this complete. I'll keep searching.

Collage of Influence

I literally have no words about Andrea McArdle ... and how much she means to me. I have never seen her perform - but I had the Annie album ... and it was one of the most influential presents I was ever given. She was MY AGE - or thereabouts. And ... LOOK AT WHAT SHE WAS DOING. Hugely inspirational.

andreamcardle.jpg

I can't speak. All I can say is I loved him.

thefonz.jpg

Not as sexy as the Fonz ... but hahahahahahaha I loved this show. LOOK AT HIS FACE. heh heh heh Laughing!! I was a bit young for it - I hadn't hit puberty yet - so it was a little bit squishy-ikky-teenagery for me ... but I loved him.

jamesat15.jpg

This is how I prefer to remember Jack Wild. God bless him. What a great little performance he gave. It totally transported me.

artful.jpg

I look at this image below and I pretty much see my whole childhood. Loved his voice, his twinkly eyes ... I seem to recall a Prince and the Pauper they did which blew me away. I loved stories about orphans, paupers, little ragamuffins, parent-less survivors ... (you can probably see that theme in this entire collage - from The Fonz to Dodger.)

alistaircooke.jpg

More orphans. GREAT TV movie. Jill Eikenberry - although at the time she was just Emma Symms to me. I had no idea who she was as an actress - but she WAS that character to me!

orphantrain.jpg

Sunday nights. The excitement of seeing Tinkerbell swoop by ... and touch the tip of the castle with her wand ... knowing that some GREAT show was going to follow ... beyond compare. So many memories.

wonderfulworld.jpg


Ahem. Anyone know who this is? I was obsessed with him when I was ... 7. He was my whole life.


kimba.jpg



Of course. My mom made me a bonnet that I could wear to school. I was a geek. But we all were. Little House was very very big at that time. I always related to Laura, the wild independent one. Look at Michael Landon's hair! HAHAHAHAHAHA

littlehouse.jpg


LOVE HIM.


underdog.jpg

Oh my god. Anyone remember this movie? SO ridiculous!! I adored it. Even though the mother did wear a patchwork skirt that I felt a little embarrassed about. I still remember the little girl hiding from the grizzly. Timothy Treadwell has now taught us that that scene was TOTALLY unrealistic ... but still. It was very effective when I was 8 years old, and about the age of the girl hiding from the grizzly. LOVED this movie.

wildernessfamily.jpg

After-school special that just CRACKED my HEART. Life-altering. Truly life-altering. About a kid (Lance Kerwin, yet again) being bullied at school by this big monster kid Marv Hammerman. The ending was killer. Did anyone else see this movie?? It was great.

hammerman.jpg

Terrifying movie about Polygamy. Big Love can suck it with its nice bourgeois version of a misogynistic bullshit practice. Am I supposed to care about the second wife's credit card problems when SHE IS A SECOND WIFE??? Babe, you got bigger issues than debt, sorry.

Anyhoo. Child Bride of Feckin' Short Creek. Was it as good as I remember it? I have no idea. Haven't seen it since. Diane Lane. Helen Hunt. Conrad Bain. I had NO business watching this movie. I must have been babysitting or something. It freaked me OUT. Also - because Mr. Drummond - MR. DRUMMOND - played the evil polygamist leader who married Helen Hunt - and broke her spirit! MR. DRUMMOND!!! Like I said - I had no business seeing that movie.



childbride.jpg


And of course, as we have discussed today:


witchmountain.jpg


Even just seeing their faces give me a thrill of memory. How much did I want to be Tia??

Oh, and please, let us not forget:

Marshall, Will and


holly.jpg


I dressed like her. I had braids, a plaid shirt, jeans, and WALLABIES. Member those? I called them wallbies. Not hush puppies. She was my fashion guru. Which really shows you how insane I was back then.


So ... with two exceptions (when I find good images, I'll add them) - these were the "influences " (outside of books and education) on me. These were rehearsals for myself. Rehearsals of obsession.

Then came Ralph Macchio in Eight is Enough - which I wrote about. Right as I hit puberty ...

There was something different in that one ... I was growing up. And because of that - I felt I needed to escape even MORE. I still feel that way, and I've been grown up a long time now. I deal with the real world as much as I can - but when it comes time to escape? I jump out of that plane without any parachute, man. Let's just GO.

But all of this CHILDHOOD stuff (Tia, Laura Ingalls, Artful Dodger) was wiped away in one fell swoop ...

by the following ...

empire.jpg

Uhm. No longer was I interested in bowl-cut Lance Kerwin, struggling with his voice changing, and school bullies. No longer was I interested in the problems of ... er .... polygamist child-brides. Ahem.

Han Solo was a MAN.

I sat there watching that damn scene (at a drive-in, no less - crammed in a car with all of my cousins) - and felt like:

Okay. Lance Kerwin is my PAST. HAN SOLO is the future.


Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (46)

Those wachovia ads ...

are everywhere now - and actually, I find the ads very moving... with a friendly-looking banker walking to another bank in the rain in order to get the passport from the vault ... on time for the student to make his flight ... the banker who gives his client his home phone number so that on a Sunday the banker can help the delivery guy solve his problem in order that supplies will get to Katrina victims on time ... The personal touch!

Wachovia. They really watch ovah yah, know what I mean?

But then the voiceover says:

"At Wachovia, we are absolutely obsessed with customer satisfaction."

Woah. Back OFF, Wachovia. Get a LIFE.

It sounds a little desperate and stalker-ish to me. Also, it's not JUST "obsessed" - which is bad enough when you're talking about your BANK. It's "absolutely obsessed" - which adds on to the creep factor. In general, if someone uses adverbs all the time, they are not to be trusted. (Ahem. Tom Croooze. He is KING of adverbs. Nothing is ever "great", or "wonderful" or "incredible". It's "absolutely great." "How is Kate?" "Absolutely wonderful. Absolutely great. She is magnificent. Absolutely magnificent." My e-meter is goin' off the charts now, Tom, just so you know. I think you need a sec check PRONTO. Cut out those adverbs and I might buy your line of bull malarkey.)

Excessive use of adverbs = empty-souled emotional black hole.

So back to Wachovia. I think COMMITMENT is a far better word for a bank to use than "absolutely obsessed".

I mean, hell, I'd love it if my banker would walk down the street to another vault on a Sunday in order to get my passport out of hock - making his way over the sidewalks underneath his umbrella, smiling a private smile at the good work that he does ... I would love it if I had my banker's home phone number ... but I don't want ANYONE to be "absolutely obsessed" with me. Just back OFF, Wachovia. How 'bout you be COMMITTED to my satisfaction not OBSESSED with it, mkay?

Every time I hear it (and the ads appear to be on all the damn time now) I kind of laugh. It's so EMOTIONAL. Even though the voiceover voice is measured and calm, there is a sonic-boom SCREAM of desperation beneath the calm ... like a wasted girl at a frat party who believes the guy she's doing jello shots with is her soulmate - the sloshy tears, the recriminations after only 10 minutes of knowing each other ... the creepy Fatal Attraction potential ... "Absolutely obsessed" is actually TOO invested in someone's satisfaction.

There's a fine line between "absolutely obsessed" and a bunny boiling on the stove.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (23)

April 24, 2006

The sopranos

I was a little bit bored last night (the first time this season - which, in general, I have found RIVETING) - although the cameos by Ben Kingsley and Lauren Bacall were a HOOT. Lauren Bacall getting punched in the face! What a dame. I'm always just psyched when I see her WORKING. She did a good job, too. And Ben Kingsley was great, trying to deal politely with these two HOODLUMS who keep following him around.

But the last scene - with Artie - with his burned hand ... cooking the rabbit alone in the kitchen ... his finger moving down the crinkly old pages of hand-written recipes - the legacy of his culture, his family tradition - and then the longer shot of him alone at the stove, cooking - with this melancholy music playing - was perfection. Scenes like that are what keep me hooked to the show. Why? Because so much of the show is plot-driven - this happens and then that happens and then that happens - and all of that is well and good, but it's those small private-moments where we get to see a character's inner life that create not just good television but something akin to poetry. It's a revelatory moment. It's why film is the perfect medium for such stuff because it's beyond words. Moments like that are so rarely is allowed on television because it seems like something should be HAPPENING all the time - and if the scene isn't driving the PLOT along, then is it necessary?? Actually, this is true of film as well. But in that one moment, we, the audience, were allowed to take a breath ... and watch this man, who had been having a helluva time throughout the episode ... remember why he loved cooking, have a private moment with the food, with his family recipes ... It is his calling. It was a truly beautiful and quiet moment. It's why I love this business: moments like that.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (10)

April 15, 2006

My observations on Couch-chimpy

I called Meredith last night at 10 to 9. Machine picked up. I left a message. "Okay ... I don't know if you're already in bed, my stumpy-toed friend ... Uhm ... I mean that with love! ... but Couch-Chimpy is going to be interviewed in 10 minutes by Diane Sawyer ... and I think you need to see it. Bye!"

I settle down to watch.

At the first commercial break, my phone rings. I see it is Mere. hahahahahaha I pick it up - already laughing - and I hear her guffawing on the other end. She WAS in bed, and she had heard the phone ring. She was surfing through channels for something to watch, as she lay in bed, with her wounded foot ... and came across CSI. She was happy. CSI never lets her down. Then she decided to check who had called. She listened to my message. And immediately, and frenziedly changed the channel to Couch-Chimp On Display. hahahahaha She missed the first couple of minutes, and then, of course, had to call me at the commercial.

Our conversation went something like this:

"He is so nuts."
"Totally insane. His eyes are so crazy."
"Isn't it great??"
"Didn't he get a new publicist or something?"
"Yeah. But ... they can't stop him from looking nuts."
"No shit. It's like - his eyes are dead or something."
"Oh - 'If she wants an epidural, she'll have one ...' Gee, THANKS A LOT."
"Yeah, really. He just ... is so crazy. How about the Katie's father thing: 'It's wonderful. It's wonderful.'"
"Yeah, really. Oh, is it, Tom? Is it wonderful?? Really??"
"She's trapped in that house."
"Did you have a silent birth, Mere?"
"Oh, totally. Not a peep."
"Good for you. He's kind of interesting to watch though, isn't he?"
"He gets so serious. He's nuts."
"How about his freak laugh?"
"I hate him when he laughs."
"Okay, it's on again."
"Okaybye."
-- click

hahahahaha Love my friends.

So.

Diane did an amazing job, I thought. It never ever got to a Matt Lauer level. Maybe because she didn't confront him. She just asked questions.

-- The only time that he seems really REAL and unselfconscious is when he talks about making movies. I completely "buy" him then. He talked about the training he did for one long sprinting scene in MI III - they showed a clip of it - and it really was kind of amazing. But he started sprint-training for it months in advance. Again, when he talks about this stuff, he seems like just any other actor, and I like him quite a bit.

-- I know someone who has a scene with Chimpy in MI III - a big one-on-one scene, and I'm bummed - because I just can't see the film. I can't do it. Maybe I can see a bootlegged copy, just so I can see that one scene.

-- Okay. Now onto the crazy. The "Kate" crazy.

-- I am trying to diagnose him. He reminds me of someone I know - someone who used to be a very good friend of mine. My friend was already a little bit nuts when I knew him in college - but we were all nuts - and it was endearing back then. Then the dark side of it started coming out (whaddya know, as he became successful) until he became insufferable ... and ... shattered relationships left and right. I can't imagine what my former friend would be like if he became as successful as Chimpy. That level of success is disorienting even to people who have their acts together (I'm thinking of Harrison Ford - who may have issues, whatever, we all have issues - but he's kind of a regular guy - and he has talked extensively about how hard it was to deal with THAT kind of success. So few people ever get that successful - it's always interesting to me to hear tales from that rarified world. Ford doesn't whine - he knows how lucky he is - but he said it took him years to figure out how to negotiate the world normally with that kind of success.) So Chimpy is a TOTAL control freak. That was the main thing I felt in the interview: except for the parts when he talked about making movies - he thought about every word he said before he said it. He is CAREFUL. You can see him look through his brain for appropriate words, and it's a very odd sensation. Especially when he started to talk about "Kate".

-- When you're in love with someone, and you are asked, "What is it that you love about that person?" - don't you speak in specifics? I mean, isn't that what everyone does?? Maybe it's just me. But vague terms like "wonderful", "extraordinary", "incredible" to me just don't have the right ring. They don't sound REAL. Because ... I am a member of the human race, and based on my observations of my own behavior and the behavior of my fellow humans ... I have come to realize that when we fall in love - we are able to talk specifically about the other person. Maybe it's pheromones, or chemistry, or soul-connection - whatever ... But vagueness like "wonderful" is a red flag.

-- Watching him try to be specific about what it was that he loved about "Kate" was PAINFUL. "She ... is ... extraordinary." Yeah, we got it buddy, but why? Do you like how she loves animals? Do you like how she cooks?

Here's the deal, Chimp - normal people can come up with specifics.

"I love him because he totally gets my sense of humor. It's like we have a shorthand or something. We'll just glance at each other and burst into laughter. You so rarely find someone with the same sense of humor that way - I just love it."

There is an example of a BELIEVABLE answer.

"I really realized she was the one for me when her aunt died - the aunt who raised her - and I was at the funeral, and everyone was just bonding together as a family - and I was a part of it - and I guess I just realized that we are such a team. LIke - we work together - and I don't want to be apart from her ever again."

There's ANOTHER believable answer.

And I'm just makin' this shit up. So it's not even TRUE ... but it's believable.

To just list superlatives is NOT believable. "She is extraordinary. An amazing person. Just a wonderful woman. I am so excited for the rest of our life together."

Yawn. I give it a couple months. Superlatives never get you ANYwhere.

-- Here's what I see: He is doing his best imitation of what it must be like to be a human being. That's what it is. He doesn't know how to ... just BE. His freakin' cult has robbed him of that. He must give programmed answers. He is living under discipline - and he is now such a true believer that he doesn't even realize that he's ACTING like a person, rather than being one. He's been acting like a human being for years ... and now the jig is up, and a bunch of us are not buying it ... but he is so used to ACTING like a person that he doesn't know any other way to be. He HAS to act like a person. If he was just free and open ... then who knows what he might say? I got the feeling of a tight-fisted control over himself.

-- It's actually kind of sad.

-- Another thing: Diane asked what drove him crazy about Katie? He thought and said, "Nothing." Again: NOT BELIEVABLE. Nothing drives you crazy, Chimpy? I mean, it's an obnoxious question - and I myself wouldn't answer it in that circumstance - but Couchy put himself in that position by acting like such a crazy person just cause he "fell in love". You jump on couches, and don't expect people to say, 'So ... do you ever argue?" Of course they don't argue. She has been cowed into silence by the huge organization closing in around her. She is a conquest. She must not be allowed to get away. It's feckin' awful. But Chimp, here's a fact about being a human being that you might not know: NOBODY is perfect. SOMETHING has gotta drive you crazy. So he said, "I can tell you what drives me crazy in a good way ... she does this thing with her tongue when she's really laughing ... It's so cute." Yawn. EVERY relationship has problems, Chimp. By saying nothing drives you crazy you are, unwittingly, giving yourself away as a citizen of the galaxy Voltor. You are saying, "I am not human." I guess when you're OT VII you think you're "above" all of this human stuff. Okay. Whatever.

-- Speaking of OT VII - Diane said the words "OT VII" at him (sorry Mitchell) and he started to laugh. It was breathtakingly condescending. It's the kind of condescension I have encountered with certain born-agains - they have this snooty sense of ownership over Jesus which makes me want to punch them in their snotty heads. You cannot speak to them about the Bible. Because THEY know the Bible, because it is THEIRS. Snots. That's how he laughed at her. LIke: hahahaha, look at the little unknowing heathen, trying to speak our language ... I am just so far beyond her ... I'm an OT VII and she is just floundering in the darkness of her ignorance ... isn't it so cute that she's trying to 'get it'? She said, "Why are you laughing?" The Chimp is a canny Chimp and he backed off a bit - a slight adjustment - and gave the "right" answer: "It's just cute, hearing you say it." She said, "Why is it cute?" "It just is." Closed door. End of conversation.

-- I got a chill when he said "You can be Catholic and be a scientomhoohoo. You can be Jewish and be a scientomheehee. But we're just $cientomogists."

AND WHO MADE THAT DECISION, CHIMP? Did Katie (I won't call her Kate) have ANY say in that? Look, the girl obviously has some problems. She didn't know what she was dealing with, she might have been bedazzled by his interest in her, and ... not realize how the walls were closing in ... but just the snotty way he said it. God. I look forward to the day when she leaves his ass. Something big is coming, you mark my words. Alex and I have discussed it ad nauseum. Because we have no lives.

-- His whole thing about the silent birth just SHRIEKED to me of "spin". Kelly Preston has said, "I eventually did have to make sounds ..." But CHIMPY'S propaganda spin was that the mother can make as much sound as she wants ... it's that everyone around her has to be quiet. WhatEVER, people. But anyway, I thought that was very interesting. Again, he gave a lot of the "right" answers - but there was still something creepy about it. Like: it's HER pregnancy, Chimp. It's HERS. It's HER body. It's not yours. Like - he's talking about it like it's HIS. It makes me mad.

-- Katie text-messaged him during the interview. "No baby action yet. Good luck with the interview!!!!!!!" Yes, that many exclamation points. We got to see the text-message on his blackberry. It was completely orchestrated - "Okay, honey, text me at 3 pm ... I'll be in the interview by then ..." My cynicism knows no bounds.

-- Diane was relentless and yet she also chose to take a BAFFLED stance. Also, I loved it - she said she had read Dianetics twice, when he told her that people should "find out for themselves" what it's all about. "You should read Dianetics ..." She said, "I've read it twice!" That kind of fucked up his plan! She said, "I took notes - I turned down the pages ..." Then (sleaze-ball culty Chimp) he said, "The book you REALLY need to read is Why My Cult Rocks ..." (Only that wasn't the real title. It was some OTHER title ... so right there he revealed the endless amount of SHIT you need to BUY in order to really "get it" ...) She read Dainetics ... TWICE??? And she still wasn't swayed over to our culty powers? How can this be??? We've got a tough cookie here ...

But I did like how she foiled his plan by saying she had read it twice.

-- They showed the "you're glib" clip and I am shocked, yet again, at how TERRIBLE he looks. He has literal bags under his eyes as he lays into Lauer. He looks awful. Dude. You're in a cult. I know it sucks. But you really must hydrate yourself to get rid of the bags ... and you really MUST realize how LOONY you look.

-- He said that the Holmes family was totally supportive and that he loves them. Diane asked if Katie's mother would be there for the birth. Chimpy said no, she would come when the baby is born. Very suspicious. Mr. Chimp is going to be such a feckin' control freak in that room ... I hope that Katie screams her head off, I hope that she poops on the table, I hope she lets loose. She deserves it. IT'S HER LABOR. But he is doing his damndest to keep it all under control. Dude: it's BIRTH. Give it up. You can't control it, you freak. IT'S NOT HAPPENING TO YOU.

-- "How about the rumors that Katie's parents are upset? How are things between you and Katie's father?" Long eerie pause - Chimp seems to be puzzling over what she has said, as though he doesn't even UNDERSTAND it (this is one of his main defenses) ... and then says, quietly, but with NO believability: "It's wonderful. Things are wonderful with him."

-- Like I said: when he talked about sprint-training for that one long scene, I totally believe him. I believe that he is connected to what he is saying, and coming from a place of truth. But when he paused and said, "Things are wonderful" I could feel the untruth emanating off of him.

UPDATE: Alex appears to have written this at the exact same time I wrote my post. She focuses on his wardrobe. I love that the last sentence of her post is identical to what I said earlier: "because we have no lives". Synchronicity!!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (19)

April 12, 2006

American Idol notes

I'll be blunt.

Bucky: Good job. Perfect song for him. He seemed relaxed. He seems a bit sunnier than the song - which is one of the most corrupt songs in recent history (hahahaha LOVE IT) ... but he had fun, he isn't crippled by self-consciousness like some of the others are. (cough - Katherine - cough) I don't like watching people who give a shit what I think of them. I like watching people who are being so much themselves that it doesn't MATTER what I think of them. Bucky has that. I enjoyed watching him. He seems comfortable in his own skin - and I'm telling you, after watching all the other yahoos up there try to be something they're not, or try to give off a certain impression - Bucky's natural-ness with himself is a breath of fresh air.

Ace: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That was so frickin' BAD!! And he thought it was good! He's delusional. I literally covered my eyes at one point, to spare myself the spears of embarrassment shooting through my soul. I felt harassed by Ace's performance, and I resent it. Also, Ace: please stop just standing at the mike, and holding both your arms out to the side as you sing - thinking that this is somehow powerful and exciting. It is not. What does it mean? That is not a "gesture". Gestures need to be specific and need to have some MEANING. Homework for you: watch Barbra Streisand sing. There is not a random gesture to be found. Everything is specific, and comes from a specific place. Watch Aretha Franklin sing. Does Aretha just stand at the mike, with her arms out to the side like a crucifix, and expect us to be mesmerized? No. Everything she does COMES FROM SOMEWHERE.

Amateur.

OmyGod, and how 'bout him telling Queen what he wanted and being SO DISSED by them? "No, I won't do that. Not on my song, anyway."

Awkward moment!!!!!!

Kellie: I thought she was awful. I just don't even think she has a good voice. I don't get it. She's also not a good performer. She's stiff, and self-indulgent, and ... way too pleased with herself. It's just not something I ever care to see again. Her vocal choices were not specific, I had no idea what she was talking about ... Blah.

Chris: Good job. I agree with Paula (I can't believe I'm saying this) - that his last note was pretty damn fantastic. He threw his heart into it, and it seemed like he knew what he was singing about (the main problem with this group of yahoos - almost NONE of them know how to frickin' sing a lyric and mean it, and know what they're talking about. grrr. It makes me cranky). I thought Chris did a good job. I love that song, too.

Katharine: I'm over her. I thought that was terrible. She plays it safe, and it shows. There's so much more power there, but she chooses not to use it - and that's the sign of a true amateur. Sorry, Katherine fans. I was not impressed. I didn't think she could hit those notes either - I winced as she did it. Not good. I would not pay to listen to that. And my same criticism of eveyrone else: I didn't get the feeling that she knew what the hell she was singing about.

I'm sick of this group of singers, frankly. They're pissing me off.

Elliot: He was awesome. Again: I think he could connect more to THE LYRICS - but unlike Katherine, all of his high notes he hit with ease, and grace. I didn't wince once. I knew he could hit them. That's a hard damn song too - and he made it seem easy.

Taylor: I loved the last part of his song. I thought the first half was boring and ... kind of spastic, in a very very GENERAL WAY. Taylor: stop being general. It makes you look stupid. Also, his eyes are dead. He's singing "crazy little thing called love" and his body is gyrating about but his eyes have no expression. Bizarre. I laughed out loud when he went to kick the mic stand over and MISSED! hahaha I hated his pseudo Fred Astaire bull crap up and down the stairs. Not good enough, dude. If you're gonna choose to do that, then do it right. Because you know why? People who are STARS do that stuff right. It all, again, comes down to gesture. To quote John Wayne: "If you're gonna make a gesture - just MAKE IT." Don't do the IDEA of the gesture and then expect us to buy it. That's what Taylor's jumpy uppy downy stairsy stuff was: it was an IDEA of a gesture, and he hoped we would mistake it for the real thing. But I did enjoy the last part of it. I liked his vocals then - the whole Taylor thing really kicked in - he went up an octave - and it was very cool.

Broken record comment: I still got the feeling, though, that he didn't know what he was saying.

Paris: Okay, honey. You're sweet and all but you're showing that you're an beginner and you have no idea what you're doing. Also, who the hell is dressing you? It's like they are searching for Paris' image - and they need to stop. Just let her be herself And if she doesn't know who that is - then that's a problem. But Paris, here's the deal: If you are going to make your hair long and straight, then you need to WORK THAT SHITE OUT before you go on camera ... You kept moving your hair out of your face as you sang, and ... Honey, that just doesn't fly with professional singers. No matter WHAT you wear, you have to seem comfortable, and unaware of it. But you looked horrible, like an action figure doll or something. And what was UP with your gestures? They were cliched, and ... unconnected. Strange. Like when you made a bicep curl on the word "hero". No. Please don't do that, Paris. That's a hard song, and I guess she did a good job - but because of her amateur-night fiddling with hair, and her amateur-night gestures - I would get distracted, and forget to even listen to the song. NOT GOOD. I loved Simon's comment and I wish they would have let him elaborate. I found it "weird" too.


In terms of vocals, I would say it's a toss-up between Chris and Elliot - although I think in terms of sheer ease and fun - Bucky was the winner last night.

Who will be in the bottom 3?

Ace, definitely. Probably Katherine. I think Paris should be, too. But for some reason, other people really LOVE this girl so I don't think she'll be in the bottom 3. Probably Bucky will be in the bottom 3, too, and that bums me out. There is no justice in this world.

UPDATE:

Mejack writes: "He clearly has the stapp-jesus-on-the-cross-arm-outstretched thing down." hahahaha Glad to know I'm not the only one who notices that random gesture that he does EVERY WEEK.

Jess writes: "It was nice knowing you, Ace, and by "nice" I mean it totally sucked."

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (52)

April 1, 2006

Tonight is an event

A long-awaited event.

lizawithaz.jpg

Mitchell and I are going over to Alex's apartment ... and we are all going to watch Liza with a feckin' Z ... the TV event of the decade. It hasn't been seen in 34 years. I know about it because Mitchell used to blast the album in college. But now ... we get to see it.

Here's a nice article about the whole thing. The whole Liza with a Z thing.


We get to see it. The fact that I get to see it with Mitchell and Alex - two Liza Minelli FREAKS of the highest order - is so so perfect.

Can't wait. By then, the effect of the two martinis will have (hopefully) worn off.

It's gonna be unbelievable.

Liza with a Z. So so exciting. I love how much press it's getting. She deserves it. It's an EVENT. Bring it, Liza, bring it! I'm thrilled to see her at her prime ... when she had no fear, when she was a lunatic, yes - she always was ... but people don't really have careers like hers anymore. That kind of all-out big-singing ENTERTAINER.

Liza with a Z.

To be cynical about her, or to only snicker at her because of her public meltdowns ... is to miss the point. When the snickerers have won three Tonys, one Oscar, an Emmy, and a Grammy Legend Award - maybe then I'll listen to them. But until then? I'm givin' Liza the props she deserves (and if you want to see why - watch her interview on Inside the Actors Studio - it was absolutely extraordinary.) I realize that she was once a bloated tick in my presence, and that was highly unfortunate. Her meltdown a public event. I felt HARASSED by Liza Minelli. But to discount what she accomplished because of her private life, her drug problems, her tabloid meltdowns? I will not do that. That was why the bloated-tick experience was so upsetting. Because .... it was feckin' LIZA MINELLI. So far to fall.

You want to see her at her height? You want to see WHY the chick has won three Tonys (oh wait - she actually won a fourth Tony - basically just for being HER), an Oscar, an Emmy, and a Grammy? Tune in tonight to watch Liza with a Z. You don't win that many awards without having your shit TOGETHER.

Meryl Streep was in acting school - which can treat acting like a very self-conscious and precious thing... people being self-involved, precious with their gift, holding back, second-guessing. Meryl Streep, obviously a phenom in her own right, didn't really feel like this whole acting-school thing was for her. And then Meryl went to go see Liza Minelli in The Act (Liza won one of her Tonys for that). Meryl said that she got standing room tickets, in the back row - and that she will never forget how Liza Minelli just threw herself so into her part, into her singing - her energy was so enormous - that Meryl Streep, in the back row, felt it like a physical assault. Meryl realized that if you have a gift - for acting, for singing, whatever - the point is to SHARE it, with all you've got. GIVE IT. It was a revelation to her, being in acting school ... which can make actors timid. Meryl never looked back. Liza Minelli was who she aspired to be. No fear, no timidity: GIVE IT OUT.

I love that story.

So tonight? I'll be sitting in between Mitchell and Alex, reveling in the return of Liza. Nobody has seen this TV special since it was first on 34 years ago. If you have wanted to see it before now, you would have had to go to the Museum of Film and Television here in New York and request it ... which Alex did, so obsessed she was with ... Liza, and WHY everyone still references Liza with a Z as some kind of high-water mark of not only television, but music, dance, and Liza's career.

So tonight? We'll be watching. We'll be watching one of the biggest phenoms of our profession - and yes, she's crazy, and yes, she makes people uncomfortable, and yes, she has not aged well ... but Liza in her prime? Untouchable. We will revel in it tonight.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (2)

March 23, 2006

Message to Kellie Pickler:

If you are going to play the dumb blonde and hope that THAT will get you more votes, because you obviously can't sing your way to the top, and judging from the sort of sad baffled look on your face last night you KNOW THIS - I have some suggestions, because you are a terrible actress:

1. Most people termed "dumb blondes" are actually quite smart and know exactly what they are doing. So-called dumb blondes PROFIT from other people UNDERESTIMATING them. I am thinking of Dolly Parton. Marilyn Monroe. Smart cookies. There are, of course, many TRULY STUPID people who are also blondes ... and maybe you are one of them, hon! Looks so! But here's the deal; You're too dumb to play a dumb blonde. Your performance instincts are ... very lacking. Your little "what's a ballsy" nonsense last night tells me that the jig is UP, sweetheart.

2. Acting 101: If you INSIST on giving yourself a line like, "What's a ballsy?" - first of all: there is such a thing called underplaying. VERY important concept, if you want to consistently get laughs. When you give yourself a dumb and improbable line like "What's a ballsy" - the best thing to do is to play it TOTALLY straight, almost deadpan. You might have gotten a laugh on it. Marilyn Monroe sure would have. Marilyn Monroe was given some of the stupidest text in the world ... and she made it work. Sadly, though, unlike you - she had brains. Those who are not naturally gifted (read: You) sometimes do a little thing called TRAINING - because, whaddya know, not everything is just GIVEN to us in this life jsut because WE WANT IT and we have cute blonde hairdos - so these lesser talented people TRAIN ... so that they can:

a. learn to walk on stage without looking like a gravity experiement
b. learn to loosen up in front of the camera so they don't look like a frozen-eyed dim bulb
c. relax enough so that they can bring their natural persona out more fully. This takes training, girl - not for someone like Mandisa or Chris or Taylor who seem completely relaxed in front of an audience - but you? You need work. Don't let anyone tell you different.

I have no idea what your natural persona is, Pickler, but I'll tell you this. The way you said YOUR OWN LINE from your OWN HEAD "What's a ballsy" shows that you have lost control of your own situation. There wasn't a generous laugh response to it - the way there was for other "Oh my God, I'm so dumb" lines. People were like ... Huh? It didn't work. You've pushed past the point of our tolerance for you.

An analogy, Kellie: You know how little kids sometimes get out of control when something goes well for them? And then very quickly they descend into tears and tragedy? At least this is my observation. For example: A little 7 year old kid makes a joke in front of a bunch of adults - and whaddya know - it is a HUGE hit with the adult set and eveyrone HOWLS with laughter. The kid then becomes GIDDY with his own success - and makes another joke - which maybe isn't quite so good ... and then, filled with shame and 7-year-old self-loathing at having LOST the love so freely given just MOMENTS before ... the child quickly resorts to poop and fart jokes, which do NOT go over well, and maybe Mom or Dad says, "Hon ... that's not appropriate" ... which then leaves the child in a swirling wilderness of pain - so the child publicly bursts into tears, and then has to be ushered out of the room by Mom or Dad. Oh, to fly so high so quickly, and then to have such a tragic descent! I have seen it happen, I tell ya.

Dear Kellie: Your "what's a ballsy" moment was the equivalent of a kid shouting out a poop joke at an adult dinner party, trying to re-create the glorious success of the moment before when everyone had loved him!

Maybe two shows ago, you were being congratulated for this act - people were spontaneously bursting into laughter at your ADORABLE comments about your "eyelashes", and that wide-eyed innocence you have! People lapped that crap up!! I always thought you were a bit of a phony, but that's neither here nor there ... People loved it!! They were charmed by you! Good for you! I thought that maybe you, like Marilyn or Dolly, were in CONTROL of what you were doing.

Last night ... you were giddy with your own success ... and perhaps you were feeling not so hot about what was going on ... perhaps you sensed that the tide was turning against you ... There was maybe something lukewarm in the judges response? As compared to what they said to Chris or Mandisa?

You sat there, and I saw this sort of frozen crestfallen thing on your face ... a 7-year-old expression frankly - like: where is the love???

So to try to get the love back, you created this cockamamie moment - where Ryan said, "Simon thought it was ballsy" - and you said, laughing as you said it, "What's a ballsy?"

No laugh.

Uh oh.

Your charm has already worn thin. You seemed not like a "dumb blonde" who knew what she was doing. But just a dumb person, with a bad haircut, and a frozen crestfallen face. Who didn't know what she was doing. Who has no idea how to be IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, and to let her own self shine through.

The jig's up, baby.

To quote sarahk, who, believe it or not, is much meaner than I am:

"What's a ballsy?" Give me a big fat break, you phony inbred backwoods imbecile. Now shes not even trying to fake it properly. What kind of complete retard hears someone call her an adjective and says, Whats a ballsy?"

I can't stand phonies. I don't care about people who maybe can't sing, or who have a lot of work to do - but I can't stand phonies. And she is one.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (84)

March 22, 2006

American Idol thoughts

I did not watch the whole thing - I got home in time to see only a couple people.

Brief thoughts, with apologies to all:

Katherine McPhee: horrible dress. Adorable hair. I hated how she stalked around the stage. It seemed totally random. She ignored Barry Manilow's advice about keeping a specific person in mind to sing to. It seemed very GENERAL. Which is horrible, when you're a performer. Good performers have many different qualities that make them good - but one thing they ALL have is they are SPECIFIC. To all the singers on the show, except for Mandisa: THINK ABOUT WHO YOU ARE SINGING TO. God - this is where they really show their amateurishness. BUT on the good side: the chick has some major pipes. That's a professional voice. I actually could see her performing on Broadway. Her voice is a Broadway voice. I wish she would let loose with it a bit more - and really LOSE herself in the song. She's way too self-conscious, and too much preening for the audience. Forget the audience. Look at the great singers in their heyday: Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland ... Yes, they are great performers ... but when they are in a song, the entire world goes away, and we see their private inner world - dreams, hopes, longings ... They let us IN there. That's why they are legends. Katherine: stop preening. It's amateurish. Stop strutting around randomly. This is stagecraft 101. If you make a gesture on stage - make sure you have a damn good reason. Otherwise, you look like a puppet. You wanna be a professional? Start taking your art seriously. I'm serious. She's got the best voice on the show. But somehow ... it's not GETTING to me.

Taylor: Sorry, Taylor fans, I thought his performance was a mess. I agreed with Simon. First of all: horrible and lazy song choice. It didn't show off his voice - which is a fantastic voice. I love his voice. Also, the dancing around - I feel sometimes like the atmosphere in that room is artificial (hahaha YA THINK???) and they forget what it feels like to actually have to WORK on an audience. In my opinion, Taylor's getting lazy. Come on, dude - challenge yourself. Go there. Paula and Randy are right - you already ARE a star. But I was bored bored bored by your performance last night.

Lisa: Uhm - she made no impression. She's adorable, and I love her passion ... but I think her voice is unattractive, and again, she looks like a raging amateur.

Kevin: I want to put a frog in his bed. Or booby-trap his locker. I'm sick of this kid.

Elliot: LOVE this guy's voice. But ... it's empty. Weird. Alex and I had a big conversation once about Lorna Luft - we were listening to a tape of her singing - and you can HEAR Lorna's mother in her voice - I mean, God - we all should be blessed with such pipes - but something's missing. It's an empty experience listening to her. It is JUST a good voice. Now Lorna's sister - ahem - Liza Minelli - is the opposite. I think that, actually, Lorna has, technically, the better voice. But Liza is a fantastic performer. She just GOES there. It is NEVER an empty experience listening to Liza. Elliot strikes me like Lorna Luft. Which ... would mortify him. Although I'm sure he doesn't even know who Lorna Luft is. He doesn't connect with the lyrics, or the audience. However: I do love the sound of his voice. He makes it all sound easy.

Kellie: I'm gonna be brutal, so look out. She looks awful. I hate her hair. She DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO WALK ON STAGE. I thought she was going to fall over at any minute. When she came down the small set of steps, I held my breath. She kept looking down at her feet to make sure she didn't trip. Uhm - maybe a nitpick - but that's the deal. Professionals don't behave that way. Mandisa, to me, already seems like a professional. Like she would just CHARGE down those stairs, and if she tripped?? Oh well, she'd keep singing. Kellie Pickler is in way over her head. I also can't stand her persona. Phony. I'm over her. Also, frankly: I don't think she can sing. Her low notes suck (come on, singers - don't just go for the big orgasmic high notes - that's LAZY. Work on your lower registers. You're not all that good yet. You've got work to do.) And there's something ... vapid about her voice. She didn't know WHAT she was singing about. The song had no depth. (The song itself has depth ... but she didn't bring any depth to it.) Amateur. Go home.

Ace: Sigh. I thought he was terrible. I have no idea why people make such a big deal over his falsetto. I think it's atrocious. I literally winced when he hit that last note. Also, Ace: the big floaty arm movements when you sing do not really serve you or your performance. BUT on the flipside: the guy really does seem like a sweetheart. I actually like him very much.

Paula truly seemed like she was jacked up on coke last night. When Simon kept condescendingly shushing her, I guffawed with laughter. hahahahahaha


SO:

Who do you all think is leaving??

My vote is Lisa, even though I WANT Kevin to go. I think it's her turn to leave. What do you think???

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (222)

March 16, 2006

PBS - thank you!!!! for Broadway: The Golden Age

Last night, I happened to catch the final half-hour of a certain fund-raising drive on my local PBS channel - and they were showing an absolutely MARVELOUS documentary called Broadway: The Golden Age. It's eventually going to be a 3-part extravaganza - and last night the first part was shown - which talks about "the golden age" - Broadway in the late 40s and 1950s. When there were sometimes 80 new plays a season. What??? Some of the interviews were just absolutely classic - I am so glad I caught just a tiny bit of it. I made my pledge (I always need to be reminded - I am on a newsletter that lets me know when these fundraising drives occur) and sat back to just REVEL in the damn thing.

Stevie - Alex - Mitchell - Curly - have you seen this documentary? I know I saw the huge one on the Broadway musical (Broadway: The American Musical)- that was ALSO on PBS, and it was something like a 10-part extravaganza - and it was unbelievable. It was on a couple of months ago, and I was home on a Saturday, and I watched the whole eniter THING.

But back to "The Golden Age": First of all, the people they interviewed are just GIANTS to me. Angela Lansbury - talking about Mame - and how it was really the only part she could remember really wanting. And she really had to convince them that she could do it. She didn't have a big enough name. But of course she ended up giving the performance of her life - a performance that is now seen as iconic. Lansbury said, near the close of the special, "I will never ... ever ... get a part like that again." And she knew it at the time. She needed to come out of this enormous comfort zone to play that part (even though she was already VERY successful) - and boy did she ever.

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Gena Rowlands! My own personal idol. She said, "We were live - there were no mikes on the actors - I remember watching a play with Ben Gazzara - who had the best speaking voice on Broadway - and I was sitting in the balcony, and he was whispering - and I could hear it. We had trained voices then!" Then - the next clip was Ben Gazzara (who, please. I just absolutely love that guy) saying, with a wry little grin, "I remember whispering during some show I did - and being heard ..."

What I wouldn't give to see Ben Gazzara live. Those performances he gave in the 50s ... I mean, they're also iconic. People still reference them. They're still seen as kind of IT. Here he is with Barbara Bel Geddes in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof:

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It also basically brought tears to my eyes to hear how many times Laurette Taylor was referenced. She is the guiding light - she's "the one" we all aspire to. I didn't even SEE her performance as Amanda Wingfield in the original Glass Menagerie - of course I didn't! It was in the 1940s!! But still. It's a landmark. A high-water mark for everybody. Funny and weirdly gratifying thing: I am now #1 on Google for "Laurette Taylor" because of this post. I wrote that over 2 years ago. And slowly, without my knowing it, it has been climbing the Google rankings ... I can't tell you how many people have written to me because of that post. Laurette Taylor really MEANS something to people who know who she is. And most people don't know who she is. One of our greatest American treasures - and no one knows who she is. Shame, shame, shame. Well, I am proud of the fact that my little post is up there at the top of the list - because it's a tribute, basically - a tribute to this giant of American theatre. She should be remembered. And since that post is now #1, more and more people have been finding it (I can see in my traffic reports) - and that makes me feel even better.

People in the PBS special last night even say her name differently ... it's iconic. It means something. All you need to do in certain crowds is say "Laurette Taylor" and people just KNOW.

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Elaine Stritch is just amazing, I love her crotchety honest old self. What a phenomenal performer. Truly.

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Tommy Tune was interviewed and he said something about how he felt like it was a shame that "revivals" were taking up so much space - when there were so many NEW plays and musicals that should be nurtured! Then they cut immediately to Elaine Stritch and she says, "There are new generations who should see Kiss Me Kate - who should see Guys and Dolls - one of the greatest musicals ever written - I think the revival trend is great!" Wearing her little wool hat, with her pissed honest eyes. Love that woman. Love Tommy Tune, too. I can see both views ...

There was a big section on Marlon Brando which was absolutely awesome. They interviewed Karl Malden - who worked with Brando many many times, also in Truckline Cafe which was Brando's big break. At least in the theatrical community. That's when he became known to THEM. Streetcar was when he crossed over into the public's consciousness - but Truckline was almost a bigger break, because it made Streetcar possible. There are multiple eyewitness accounts (Pauline Kael, for one) of his performance in Truckline - and how exciting it was. People literally thought they had found some guy off the street and put him on stage - it was that believable. Malden said something very interesting - that Brando "shattered the transitional period between two different styles of acting." There was already a trend towards a more "realistic" style of acting - Montgomery Clift, etc. - and Brando basically trashed the old world with one performance. He didn't set out to do that. That was not his goal. He just was a genius - it was his destiny, that's all.

I did a Google search for photos of Brando in Truckline - but nothing came up immediately. I did, however, find a page of his notes that he made for The Godfather on the back of the pages of his script. It's an insight into the mind of a great actor. I love stuff like this because it is evidence that Brando wasn't just a freak-talent - who worked on instinct. He was a craftsman. He thought about his work. He made choices based on script analysis. The things all competent actors should do. It's just that his instrument, his emotional instrument, was 100% available to him when he got "in the moment". Most actors are lucky if they get to 80 or 90 percent, and they cherish those rare moments when they are 100%. Brando just got out of the damn way when he was acting. No barrier between himself and his impulses. Very very rare.

But look at his notes here:

brandosnotes.jpg

#Nose broken early in youth to account for difficulty ...

Gives me chills.

They interviewed Kim Hunter who said, "When you act opposite that kind of truth - it makes you better than you think you are. You are in a whole new world." Then there was a still from the Broadway production of Streetcar - black and white - Marlon, in his sweat-stained T shirt, holding onto Kim Hunter's arms, and yelling at her. It was a still: And my God. It was so damn real - Humphrey Bogart always said that, in acting, "Truth should be 6 feet back in your eyes." That photograph of Marlon Brando is exactly what he was talking about.

Kim Hunter said something really interesting. She said, "Brando made bad choices onstage. Brando made mistakes, and he made wrong choices. But one thing he never was - was a phony."

And that, my friends, is an acting genius.

They interviewed Jerry Orbach quite a bit. I miss that man, I really do. What a career.

Basically, the whole time I was watching last night - I yearned for a time machine. I would literally kill to be able to see Brando as Stanley, or Gena Rowlands in Middle of the Night, Ben Gazzara in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Lansbury as Mame, Gwen Verdon in pretty much anything ... these giants. Giants of the American theatre.

I am certainly hoping that there is a repeat of Broadway: The Golden Age - I missed the beginning of it. And I look forward to the next 2 installments which apparently take us up to the present day. Through the revolutionary theatrical moment that was Hair ... up to now.

Oh, and Eli Wallach and Anne Jackson joined the telethon host in the studio - to talk about their experiences in the New York theatre throughout the years. They have seen it all. They were THERE. It was great - Strange. Seeing the two of them is somehow like seeing an old friend. Their work, and not just their work, but their LIVES - have been such an inspiration to me personally.

It's funny: I admire these people SO MUCH for performances I have never seen. I think it was John Gielgud who said that acting in the theatre was like "sculpting in snow" and it is very true. We have eyewitness accounts. And for the more recent shows, we have video of it. But there is nothing like seeing it live. Nothing. It's sacred to me - live theatre - and so seeing these people - like Wallach - who gave performances on Broadway during the 50s and 60s that people STILL talk about - hell, look at me, I'M talking about them and I didn't even see them - is very moving to me. Their work means so much to me.

I grew up on public television (zoom-ah-zoom-ah-zoom-ah-zoom ... hahahaha And, of course, Masterpiece Theater. COME ON!!). Supporting public television is kinda engrained in me. Last night was a gorgeous moment when I remembered why! Money well spent.

Beautiful documentary!!!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (26)

March 15, 2006

American Idol thoughts

Ace: STINKS.

Kelly: STINKS.

Elliot: I love how much he loves Stevie. He's got some great pipes that guy. What I like about him is his sincerity. He's got a good voice, and I never feel like he's up there trying to sell me a line of BULL SHIT, like some of the others. He seems sincere. But unexciting performance.

Bucky: Wow. The hair. Hmmm. Bad. I actually thought he picked the perfect song for his voice. Smart choice.

Kevin: Uhm. Wow. Embarrassing. The makeup job was atrocious. And I felt plain old UNCOMFORTABLE listening to him singing about being a "part-time lover". Randy and Paula just blew smoke up his ass. This is why I love Simon. I know I can count on him to tell the truth - AND when he says "Good job" it actually MEANS something. Kevin's a cute kid, it doesn't mean he's a bad PERSON - but send him home, please.

Katharine McPhee: In my opinion, she has the best voice on the show. Just in terms of a naturally good singing voice. But there's something missing ... I don't know.

Melissa: She sucked.

Lisa: She made no impression on me - although I loooooooove that song. Simon said it was the best performance of the night - but that was before Chris performed.

Paris: This is sacreligious to some but I honestly don't know what the big deal about Paris is. She's cute, whatever. But I don't find her voice pleasing to listen to at ALL. It's screechy, she's not at ALL in control of it - she goes for effects and CONSTANTLY goes sharp or flat ... she's young, fine, but plenty of young people have kick-ass voices. She does not. I like her PERSONALITY but that's not what we're judging here. I would NEVER buy a Paris album. I also just don't like that type of singing, in general. The kind of singers who can't hold a damn note simply but have to constantly go up and down the scales. Just not my taste.

Mandisa: Love Mandisa, I love her whole THING - who she is onstage, who she is off - beautiful - but she needs to work on her lower register - the beginning of her song BLEW. Once she gets up high in her voice, she's great and exciting - but the first couple minutes sounded like unprofessional karaoke to me. Horrible. I wish they had called her on it.

Taylor: Someone needs to tell Taylor that "Livin' for the City" is not a song of CELEBRATION - it is a song of rage. I love Taylor, and that was a perfect song choice for him, but his "interpretation" made me mad last night. It was too self-serving, he was smiling and dancing around - Dude. That's wrong. Listen to the damn lyrics you're singing. My two cents.

Chris: Far and away the best performance all night - and, in my opinion, all season. Go, Chris! I so want to own his version of that song - Simon's right - I'd buy it. He, to me, looked like a PROFESSIONAL. Taylor did, too - I just thought his performance was stupid - but Chris looked like he already IS a star. He's "got it". He made everyone else look like amateurs.


More Idol posts

Sarah K - I always check in with her Idol posts - they're awesome, totally stream-of-conscious - but also very perceptive

Cullen weighs in

Ann Althouse (validating to see that some of her commenters agreed with me about Taylor's poor interpretation of that angry song)

And Tracey!!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (67)

February 27, 2006

Thoughts on Bachelor Paris

Now I have not watched this show consistently. How can I? I'm too busy keeping up with the Olympics, Project Runway and Skating With Celebrities (I think Kristy Swanson is a homewrecker - and I hope she loses). But I've seen maybe 2 or 3 episodes over the last season and I am now DEEPLY ENGROSSED in the 2-hour finale.

Travis. Who will he choose?? Sarah? Or Mouana? Or however the hell you spell her name.

Sarah: Nashville girl. Travis is from Nashville. She's a kindergarden teacher. She's BORN to be a wife. But ... sorry ... I don't feel a SPARK between the two of them. He touches her like a sister, or a good friend. He's not MOVED to touch her.

Mouana: An emotional headcase, although somehow appealing. Travis' parents interview her, and in the middle of it she breaks down into hysterical tears talking about how she has never met "another person on this planet" who she has reacted to in this way. Now if you feel like you would NEVER "lose it" like that - then you might roll your eyes at poor Mouana. But I would SO do that ... especially now, at this stage in my life. EVERYTHING is intense. I can't 'date'. I can't be casual. I'm not 25. I need someone who will be okay with intensity because it's too late for me to tone that shit down. It was too late when I was FIVE. You date me you're gonna deal with my intensity. That's the deal. However - to watch the emotional trainwreck of Mouana is ... frankly ... disturbing and yet ... VERY entertaining.

I think Travis and Mouana have a secret little world of chemistry together that nobody understands ... and ... er ... nobody CAN understand it because they cannot explain it.

I think Mouana has literally felt like she found her "soul" in this man - and sorry. But that's truly dangerous. Uhm, Mouana? Your soul is in YOU. Already. It's not in him. NOTHING that you want is IN HIM. Definitely not your soul!! Don't give THAT UP!! IT'S YOURS!

I fear that she may have to go on a serious psychotropic drug cocktail after this final rose ceremony if he does not choose her.

But ... but ... Sarah? Does he want to be with a buddy? Does he want to be with her just because she's from Nashville? I think she only likes him cause he's from Nashville and it would be so 'perfect' to "go back to Nashville" with him. (Let's count how many times she has said "go back to Nashville" in this one episode alone.)

WHO WILL HE CHOOSE????

I guess I'm thinking he will go with Sarah. That's my sense. But ... it's not quite "right", know what I mean?

But I don't think Travis is the brightest bulb on the tree. Doctor schmoctor, he's just not that sharp.

SO WHO KNOWS???

Okay. Gotta go. Rose ceremony coming up.


UPDATE:

Mouana's out. Okay, that's kind of devastating. She had this kind of frozen 'brave' look on her face that I know has been on my face. I know that feeling. The cold hard THUD within. The death of a dream.

She said to him, "You will always have a piece of me that I can never get back."

See?? Danger. I only say that because there's a man out there who has a piece of me that I can never get back.

Poor Mouana. I relate to the headcases of the world. I am one myself.

I, however, was lucky (or smart) enough to not go through MY experience on a stupid REALITY TV SHOW.


Thought: Is it possible for him to choose no one? Cause I don't think either of those chicks were prizes.

UPDATE: The "acceptance" scene of Sarah went really flat. God. They have no chemistry. He had to ask her for a kiss. Like ... there's no ease between them. Bah. Not doin' it for me. "I'm so happy," she says ... Ahh, that's just words. It's not real. Look at how they're hugging. There's no heat. I know heat EVENTUALLY dies and you can't have ONLY heat ... but Jeez, you should have at least SOME at the beginning. "How lucky am I?" he rhapsodizes falsely at the camera. Uhm ... I should give you some acting lessons, Travis, is my real response there.

They don't have any spark.

Am I missing something here? They smile at each other with big tight phony smiles.

I give it a month.

He just knew he needed to get rid of "I found my soul in you" Mouana - because no good could come from going down THAT road. So he chose the safe one ... and he'll blow her off once the show is over. There's nothing THERE. So what - you both come from Nashville? That'll last you thru 40 years of marriage?

Ah well.

I have no life.

Good luck to the couple. Watching them chastely kiss and say stuff at each other like, "I feel so lucky" and "I'm so happy" made me thank God that I'm not either one of them.

MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS:

From City Wendy. Very very funny post.

Will it be Sarah, the big bore from Nashville, or Moana, the emotionally unstable chick from LA?? And will Travis propose marriage, or just give one of those dorky promise rings or such and suggest "getting to know each other better"?

"the big bore from Nashville" - hahahahahaha

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (12)

February 24, 2006

Sasha, Shizuka, and Irina

(Sounds kind of like an international law firm. "Sasha, Shizuka and Irina, how can I direct your call?")

Anyway - about last night I couldn't say it better than Alex does.

What a night!! I actually was rooting for Irina Slutskaya - I've always liked her - but I think the best woman won. I also was so impressed with Sasha Cohen's lack of excuses afterwards: "I just couldn't get up over my feet in those jumps ... they weren't where I wanted them to be." She was happy with her medal because after those two falls she didn't think she would get any medal. I know she is notorious for being a harsh critic of herself, a rigid perfectionist - so I'm sure it's gotta hurt that she messed up - but I was so so impressed with how she rallied after those two major falls and came up with a great performance. Everything was perfect after those two debacles - and so often you see the opposite happen. A skater messes up early on, and then they get in a weird head-space, and everything disintegrates - they give up - you can almost see them give up. Not so Sasha. Good for her. She can be proud of that at least.

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Only one person can win - yet I think all three of the skaters on the podium last night are winners - in terms of attitude, ability, and determination. It could have gone ANY way ... any three of those women could have gotten the gold. It was up for grabs - which made last night so exciting, so gripping. It wasn't like the male skaters where it was pretty much a done deal that the Russian would get it. This was a close fight - the two "favorites" needed to skate perfectly in order to win - and they did not. I literally GASPED when Sasha fell the first time - and gasped again when she fell again ... and then watched, in astonishment, as she skated perfectly through the rest of her program. With a huge smile on her face after her triples, with grace, with power ... Amazing.

My heart aches a bit for Irina. She is 27. No more Olympics for her, probably. She is an incredible skater, a true athlete - I love the speed she gets, I love her power, her fearlessness -

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Dick Button said last night, "There's a wildness in her skating ..." and he meant it as a compliment. I agree. She just TOSSES herself into the air - no fear, no caution. I love to watch her just GO. So I'm sorry she got the bronze - her face on the podium said it all. She was not a sore loser, not at all, but this is a long-held personal dream that she now needs to let go of.

And I was thrilled for Shizuka Arakawa, gold medalist. First of all, Japan has been sucking in these Olympics - no medals yet. She is the first person from her country to win a medal in 2006. So there's THAT. Even if she got silver or bronze, it would have been meaningful. But she is also the first person from Japan to ever win a medal in figure skating. I mean- this is just huge. I was thrilled for her.

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She skated perfectly - she did everything she needed to do. To my novice eyes, she doesn't have the power or the excitement of Cohen or Slutskaya - but Arakawa knew that she needed her program to be CLEAN with NO MISTAKES - She didn't set out to re-invent the sport, she set out to win. Or maybe she just set out to do her own personal best - knowing how close the race was, and knowing that she had a slim slim chance of an upset.

Her face when she found out she won brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely girl. Sitting there surrounded by her coaches, her people ... her mouth just dropped open in stunned disbelief. I won??? What????

This is one of the reasons I love the Olympics. When stuff like this happens. Especially now with this new scoring system which, I swear, I could recite in my sleep - they remind us of it so much. But there is no such thing as a "favorite" - well, not really. I mean, obviously, there are some skaters who seem set up to win - because of their talent, experience, etc. - but when you get right down to it - the medal is up for the best one to win. Sasha and Irina were the "emotional favorites". They got all the press coming into this event. Well - with Hughes and Kimmy as well. Arakawa wasn't on the radar at all - at least not like those girls were.

But she skated the best. You just never know what will happen - and last night, I think was the best example of that. (Actually, the free-style skiing - which scared the shit out of me - was the same thing. Han Xiopeng won - over the other guys everyone kept talking about - "Speedy" Peterson and his Hurricane, etc - I got a bit sick of the Hurricane Hype, gotta say it - I mean, it was phenomenal, don't get me wrong ... but the hype was a bit much. Just STOP. I know you guys want me to keep watching, so i see the Hurricane, and I WILL KEEP WATCHING TO SEE THE HURRICANE - STOP REMINDING ME ABOUT IT AD NAUSEUM. Ahem. But Xiopeng won - the first Olympic gold medal for China on snow - just so so cool - his FACE when he saw he won - and being carried around in the air afterwards - What an event!!! And what an upset there was there as well! Awesome!!)

May the best athlete win.

Congratulations to all three medalists in women's figure skating - you did your sport proud last night.

And to Sasha - you blew me away, yet again. Your mental toughness was a sight to behold. Congrats!!

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Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (10)

February 2, 2006

Notes on Project Runway

-- I loved how Kara's design was kind of held back until we saw it on the runway. Because of Kara's track record, I assumed it would not be good - but actually it was one of my favorites. She really came thru. I loved the combination of green and purple.

--Poor Nick. He seems beaten down by criticism. I love him. I loved how Daniel came over and basically, in a loving way, bitch-slapped him out of apathy. And I loved how Nick didn't get defensive and just took the critique and changed his attitude. I loved that.

-- Strange: all the judges seemed baffled by the fact that none of the designers used flowers. Or not as MANY flowers as they THOUGHT should be used. Uhm - the assignment was: Go to the plant store. Spend 100 bucks. Make a dress for a garden party. There was no word about: "PLEASE MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ROSEBUDS OR PEONIES!!" But judge after judge was like: "I am really shocked at how much green we see up there ..." Listen, judges, if you want them to use flowers - then put it in the requirements for the project. Otherwise: SHADDUP.

-- I love Santino's imitation of Tim and I think it is absolutely hysterical that ... his imitation kind of morphed into a small running gag about Tim and Andre eating at Red Lobster and having arguments. SO RANDOM. Just my kind of humor. Santino has greasy hair and he is obnoxious but I actually really like him.

-- Daniel's dress was absolutely stunning. I love the kind of harsh look of his model as well - the slashed cheekbones, the small eyes - she is very striking.

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-- Andre's dress was heinous. It was a mossy doormat that didn't fit his model. It made her look like a box set.

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But he took the critique well, he listened, he nodded, he was upset, but he didn't defend himself. He was extremely gracious in defeat - the way he hugged Nick back, and made a joke about only one person crying on the runway at a time. He's only 23 years old, but he handled his defeat in a very mature manner. He's got a long career ahead of him.

-- Tim Gunn is literally one of my favorite personalities on television right now. I want him in my life. I want him to periodically show up at my apartment from time to time and tell me what I need to work on. The tough-love speech was great!

-- I LOVED Chloe's dress.

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I loved, too, how she said, "I went kind of out there and made my model wear a little skull cap of leaves ..." To me, that was what Tim Gunn was saying in the tough-love speech: Push the envelope. If you fail, you fail, whatever - but you have to be bold. Push the envelope. I thought her dress was gorgeous.

-- I love when Heidi gets all - specific and irritated in the pow-wow sections before the final choice. I just love it - you really see her fashion-brain working there. Also, she continues to illuminate the world with her pregnant German glow. Gorgeous.

-- Daniel now has immunity for the next project. I truly wonder if he will win. Nick appears to be growing bitter and "over it" which is affecting his work. Daniel continues to sail along, doing his own thing, and making it through challenge after challenge.

-- But for me - after Kara's disastrous "oooh, look how dangeorus New York is!!" stupid tube dress - her design was the real surprise. It was truly lovely.

kara.jpg


(All photos lifted from here.)

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (27)

January 18, 2006

Notes on Project Runway

Okay, so this was the best Project Runway yet. I say this having just jumped on the bandwagon.

The designers had to design an ice-skating dress for the divine and fiery Miss Sasha Cohen. I LOVE that chick. I love ice skating. I know, I know ... it's not a sport ... the judging sucks ... but I LOVE IT. I also watched Skating with Celebrities tonight and actually CRIED A TEAR when I watched Todd Bridges skating. I CRIED A TEAR. I was PROUD OF TODD BRIDGES. I was proud enough to SHED A TEAR. Wow. I knew I was a geek, but I didn't know I was THAT much of a geek.

Anyway.

This was a huge challenge for the designers. Many of them had never even ice skated before. Zulema had skated once or twice ... but I thought her dress was gorgeous - and very Sasha-esque. Sasha is sassy - but also like a swan. Her dress reflected that.

-- Santino's dress BLEW. What? You make a skater look fat in her dress? You make her look like she has a fat ass? Are you out of your mind??

-- Heidi Klum continues to entice me with her pregnant belly, her adorable outfits, and her changeable look: sometimes red lipstick, sometimes nude ... she always looks fabulous and ... I adore her in an almost inappropriate way.

-- I felt a mixture of feelings watching Emmet at the end. His dress was a disaster ... but he's a menswear designer. This is not his bag. But something about his posture ... wearing that pink flouncy top (they all dressed up like ice skaters) ... and his soft open face ... I don't know. I like him personally. He came back, after losing, and said to the rest of the designers, as they all hugged him, "Best of luck to all of you ..." I don't know. The guy's got class.

-- Sasha Cohen is a cutie-pie. I loved watching her take notes during the runway show.

-- Andre (or whatever) is such a drama queen, but I loved how butch he got when he fixed the special sewing machine.

-- I was actually strangely charmed by Santino during this particular challenge. I forgive him his grease-ball ambience. He seemed kind of humorous, and self-deprecating and more part of the team.

-- Tim Gunn on skates, wearing trim little blue jeans, is an image that will get me through many a dark hour.

-- Nick is awesome. I truly wish that we were friends. "It was like international male gone g-g-g-GAY."

-- I loved how Kara was kind of insecurely looking for validation and Nick said to her, "Uh huh, right ... right ... but just trust your instincts."

-- These people are all so creative. If you set me loose in a bead store ... I mean, I GUESS I would figure out what I wanted ... but ... I have no idea what I would buy. These people have pictures in their minds, and they surge forward trying to make that picture a reality. The show is fascinating because of that creative process.

-- Chloe's dress was okay. Sasha liked it - but I wasn't all that wacky about it. It seemed like Sasha would get lost in it - but that sky-blue color would look beautiful on her.

-- I LOVED LOVED LOVED when Tim Gunn turned to Sasha and said, "What is important for you ... in terms of your costumes?" And she started talking about what the costumes needed to have. I don't know, I just loved that ... the professional respect Gunn gave her, and also - her knowledge about what she needed. Very cool.

-- I loved Daniel's dress - I think that guy is really talented. Here's the deal: He's not a wild crazy greaseball genius like Santino - but here's what I see: He took on THE PROJECT AT HAND. He didn't try to prove how brilliant he was. He actually seemed to think about Sasha Cohen. I could see her in that dress.

-- Seeing how nervous Zulema was on her skates ... she's not a skater, or an ice skating fan ... so then her face when Sasha said, "I will be wearing your dress in my next exhibition ..." Zulema's expression was unforgettable. Like ... she truly couldn't believe it. She went kind of blank and said, "Really?" I got a little choked up.

-- I am such a fucking geek.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (22)

January 17, 2006

More Golden Globe stuff

Here is Alex's re-cap of the Golden Globes.

I loved this:

Speaking of which, Queen Latifah looked terrific. For some reason though, with her in that couture ensemble, her hair slicked back, pulled, and 14 pieces attached, and 63 pounds of make up and concealer on her, its hard for her to still have Street Cred. When she opened the show, she told us all it was ..time to get down. No its not, Queen. Its really not that time at all.

hahahahahahaha

And this - I could not agree with you more on this one, Alex:

I loved that Phillip Seymour Hoffman won his award, although my heart broke a little for David Strathairn. Hes one of those stellar actors who, for years, has been giving consistently great performances and rarely gets recognized. Hes a literal magician when it comes to his craft and he does it without flair or false bravado. Hes a quiet, gorgeous presence that always illuminates a role and always adds to the project. I hope this at least pushes him to the head of the line for an Oscar bid. At the very least, he deserves that for all the years of miraculous performances hes given us. He was also very gracious when he lost. That broke my heart a little more.

He is stellar.

And Alex shares her thoughts about Felicity Huffman's win for Transamerica. Alex's experience with that project was up-close and personal ... Kind of heartbreaking, in that way that show-business can be ... So all I could think about as Felicity Huffman was talking - was of Alex.

I'm with Lindsay, Alex. Your time will come.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (9)

January 16, 2006

Golden Globes notes

Hell, yeah, I'll take notes as they're happening. I love the Golden Globes. They're my favorite awards show.

-- The beginning song is so dumb that I am embarrassed for everyone involved. "I hope the cast of Lost can find their seats inside ..." God. Stupid.

-- Eric Bana is smokin' hot. DAY-UM.

-- Queen Latifah - love you, but you're kind of just not as fabulous as you believe you are. Sorry. You're not.

-- Sarah jessica Parker looks beautiful, but I'm not wacky about her dark eye makeup. I think she looks better with the pale look.

-- George Clooney just keeps getting better and better looking.

-- Sorry, gotta say it: Crash was one of the best films I saw this year. I think everyone on the planet should see this film.

-- I already totally forgot about Cinderella Man. I saw it ... but instantly forgot it. Not a really good sign. Especially for me - a huge Russell Crowe freak.

-- George Clooney won for Best Supporting Actor in Syriana. "This is early ... I haven't had a drink yet ... " hahahaha

-- Ohhhh, a shot of Mel Brooks laughing. He's had a rough year ... but there he is laughing. Nice.

-- Adrien Brody and Natalie Portman are like automatons up there. They have no chemistry.

-- Rachel Weisz - you are GORGEOUS but what the hell is going on with your hair????

-- Rachel Weisz won for Best Supporting Actress for Constant Gardener. I didn't see it - not my cup of tea - but I have always loved her acting.

-- Her hair is really bad. And her dress looks like one of my anxiety attacks. Her eye makeup is way too dark. Her whole look is bad.

-- She's so damn sweet, though. I really like her.

Commercial break.

-- I love Luke Wilson's suit - it's hysterical. It's so corporate.

-- Best supporting actor in a TV movie or miniseries - Paul Newman in Empire Falls - The gorgeous little Jessica Alba accepted the award for him.

-- Teri Hatcher frightens me. What the hell happened to her? I yearn for the Lois and Clark days. What the hell is going on, Skeletor? You were a luscious woman back then. I am also deeply scared of her gold dress.

-- I just love Camryn Manheim. I wish we could be friends.

-- Best supporting actress in a TV movie or miniseries -Sandra Oh!! Now that I'm into Grey's Anatomy this is very exciting. She can't seem to find the stage. She is trapped out among the tables.

-- She begins with: "I I I I I ... feel like someone has set me on fire ..." Oh. She's making my favorite kind of speech. Nutty and funny. "Thank you SO MUCH to my team who has been with me through the years ...." Long pause. "I can't remember any of your names right now ..." Good for her. She seemed truly emotional. And that's what I'm in it for, baby. The EMOTIONS.

Commercial break

-- Brief shot of Shirley Maclaine, during the commercial break, sitting at her table and chowing down, talking to nobody. She cracks me up. I love her.

-- I honestly don't believe it is possible for me to love Drew Barrymore any more than I already do. Look at her. Look at her hair. Look at her glowing skin. Her dress. She's just so HERSELF.

-- Loved the shot of Spielberg, her director in ET, beaming at her as she entered.

-- There's something not there in Emmy Rossum or whatever her name is. I know she's getting great gigs right now ... but to me, she doesn't have "it"

-- Wow, Gwyneth looks sooooooo thrilled to be there. She barely had the energy to clap. She had a condescending look on her face, like she was just tolerating the whole event. Don't harsh my mellow, babe. I know you got a new bun in the oven (will you name this one Banana?) but I need excitement and emotions. Mkay?

-- I love love love Patricia Arquette. I've loved her for years. I kind of hope she wins for Medium - she's such a real actress.

-- Best actress in a TV Drama: Geena Davis. Never seen the show. But I think she's a cool woman. I'm okay with the choice. Her breasts are overwhelming me with their jewelled beauty right now.

-- "Well, that didn't actually happen ..." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-- I love that Geena's hair is kind of tousled and natural-looking. She looks beautiful, I think.

-- I have no idea who these next presenters are. I don't watch television enough. She looks a bit rough around the edges, whoever she is. Like she just took a bong hit before coming on.

-- Best actor in a TV drama: Holy crap. Matthew Fox. Hot. Hot. But I'm hoping Keifer wins. Yay!! Dr. House! I've never seen the show but I adore that actor. His brief part in Sense and Sensibility is genius.

-- He is randomly thanking people from scraps of paper he has in his pocket. That is so funny. hahahahaha "I'd like to thank the script supervisor ..."

Commercial break

-- Oh, Melanie, Melanie. Just stop. Stop what you're doing with your face. Please. Grow old. It's okay. You know you want to. I do like her bouffant hairdo though. And I think her personality is adorable - I always have. Very sweet and vulnerable. She kind of can't lie.

-- Russell Crowe looks mad.

-- Best mini series or motion picture made for television: I haven't seen any of these choices. Empire Falls, Lackawanna Blues, Sleeper Cell, Into the West ... no idea about any of them. And ... Empire Falls won! I heard it was boring. Great cast, but boring. They all looked like stiffs, though. "Issue" movies. Yawn.

-- Oh! There's Steve Carell in the audience!!! Love him!

-- Best actor in a TV series Comedy: Hi Jason Lee, you Scientologist jagoff!! Charlie Sheen looks very weird. What's up with his face? STEVE CARELL WON. I still won't see it ... argh ... I'm conflicted - but I couldn't adore Steve Carell more. He's so so wonderful. A well deserved success. Well deserved.

-- His speech is absolute genius. hahahahaha

Commercial break

-- Tim Robbins - comb your hair. Honest to God.

-- Jamie Foxx - take the sunglasses off. Honest to God. Oh wait - maybe they're not sunglasses.

-- Best Actress in a TV Musical or Comedy: Oops. Jamie Foxx said one of the nominee's name was "Laura Linley". It's Linney, babe. Take the sunglasses off. Maybe then you could read the card correctly.

-- Bettah be Reese. Bettah be Reese.

-- IT'S REESE WITHERSPOON! She's phenomenal. She looks adorable. I love her hair, her makeup is subtle ... I am so happy she won. She's a lovely lovely girl. "To my husband my children - you are my everything ... Nothing is worth anything if I can't have you in my life ..." She's so great.

-- Best actress in a TV Comedy: 4 nominees from Desperate Housewives. Wow. I bet that set is a nightmare of ego and diva bullshit. Marcia Cross - what a beautiful lady. Teri Hatcher - I believe I covered my response to her earlier. Eva Longoria - she cheered for herself., I mean, really cheered. I don't like her. And then Mary Louise Parker from Weeds - MARY LOUISE PARKER WON! HOLY CRAP.

-- Okay, she looks very very thin, and I can't stand her side ponytail. However, she won. So take THAT, Billy Crudup, you asswipe!!

-- Oh man. She just thanked John Spencer "an actor who made it look so easy ..." - I got a lump in my throat at that one. He is already so missed.

Commercial break

-- Emma Thompson: "I thought I had covered Jane Austen actually ..." hahahaha She is hilarious. More Emma Thompson is my motto.

-- Okay. I am totally having a PROBLEM with Eric Bana and his hotness right now. Hotness like that just ASSAULTS ME. STOP. Give me a chance to catch up! Argh. He is so hot.

-- This blog has so gone down the tubes.

-- Best actor in a TV miniseries - never heard of or seen any of these. I would like to see the The Girl in the Cafe, actually - it looked really good.

-- Eric Bana. Good God. Help???

-- Jonathan Rhys-Meyers won for the Irish one. Love the Irish accent. Help me. Can't wait to see the new Woody Allen with him in it. I loved him in Bend it like Beckham, Velvet Goldmine ... lovin' the accent. He is kind of humble and awkward, which is very charming.

-- Holy crap. Eric Bana. He's still presenting. I'M HAVING A PROBLEM.

-- Best Actress in a TV miniseries or movie: Okay, so we've got Halle Berry (I'm kinda over her), S. Epatha Merkerson - she's fantastic - a Law & Order workhorse ... Kelly Macdonald ... Cynthia Nixon as Eleanor Roosevelt ... I love her too. As you can tell, I am not critical. I'm not a snarker. Mira Sorvino in Human Trafficking ... Nevah heard of it ... S. Epatha Merkerson won. I am so damn happy for her even though I haven't seen it. The chick has worked for YEARS. A true craftswoman. The kind of career I would love to have. Good for her.

-- She is making me weep. "I am 53 years old. This is my first lead in a film." This is huge. This is why I love acting and actors so much. People like her.

-- Wow. That was really moving.

-- Okay, Eric Bana's done presenting. Thank God. I needed a damn BREAK from his HOTNESS.

Commercial break

-- Kathy and I are neck and neck here.

-- And here comes the Master of Hotness, Colin Firth! He looks very scruffy and English.

-- So so excited to see Match Point.

-- Mandy Moore looks bored out of her mind.

-- Virginia Madsen looks gorgeous, and Harrison Ford looks like an aging grizzly man. Harrison Ford walked on with a drink in his hand. hahahahaha

-- Best screenplay: WHOOHOO for Larry McMurtry and Osama bin Laden for their screenplay for Brokeback - thrilling!!! I love Larry McMurtry. Wonderful. Sorry - it's Diana Ossana. Yay - Annie Proulx got some applause. Always like that.

-- Cut to Johnny Depp, who looks gorgeous, and yet insane.

-- Larry McMurtry is awesome ... "I'll just thank our lawyers ..." McMurtry is killing me. He's talking about his typewriter - he's had it for 30 years.

-- Yay for them! Great adaptation of a phenomenal story.

Commercial break

-- I love that people coming from the Best of Blogs awards - looking to see my literary ruminations are instead going to find me saying: "Eric Bana is so hot!"

-- Best TV series, musical, or comedy: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Desperate Housewives, Entourage (blah), Everybody Hates Chris, My Name is Xenu, Weeds ... Desperate Housewives won. And they're all going up onstage. There are 50 of them making their way thru the tables.

-- I don't know ... I'm getting a kind of tepid atmosphere in the room in response to this win ... I don't know ... It just doesn't have the same buzzy vibe when others win. People were kind of clapping, kind of not ... Hmmm.

-- Penelope Cruz. You're gorgeous. Can't understand a damn word you say. Please work on your English if you want me to give a crap about you and your career. HOWEVER: good for you for running away from the Couch-Jumper. Good work.

-- Oh boy, here comes Matthew McConahoo. Where's my brother??

-- Best foreign language film: Paradise Now.

Commercial break

-- Not wacky about Catherine Deneuve's dress. She's so stunning. Hate the sleeves.

-- I don't think it's possible to be more beautiful than Rosario Dawson. Good God.

-- Best soundtrack to a movie: John Williams, Geisha. What - does he have 60 awards now? Probably more. "Oh, whatever - piece of cake - toss the award in the garage with the 500 other ones ..."

-- Here comes Mariah! She's got her act together again! No more crazy Mariah! She looks beautiful, albeit a little shiny.

-- Best original song: I'm hoping Mel Brooks won. Just because, you know? Oh well. He didn't win. Some song from Brokeback Mountain. OH - Bernie Taupin wrote the lyrics to the song - that's pretty cool. Emmylou Harris sang it ... no idea what the song is ... At least they don't PERFORM the songs on this awards show like they do on the Oscars. Sheesh. Oh my God - crazy musician leaning into the television screen and saying, "I'd like to dedicate this to Martin Luther King ..." He is wasted!!

Commercial break

Next up? Cecil B. DeMille award is going to go to Anthony Hopkins.

-- Gwyneth's dress is ludicrous. Also, you're not British. Knock it off with the fake accent.

-- Oh this is fabulous. A tribute. Lion in Winter. I have goosebumps.

-- Oh shit. Magic. That fucking terrifying puppet.

-- Look at Hopkins' face watching himself. Wow. He's one of my favorite actors.

-- He was so so exquisite in Remains of the Day. Acting don't get any better than that. Takes my breath away.

-- Everyone: You must see his new film when it comes out: "The World's Fastest Indian" - I saw a pre-release of it, and it's terrific. LOVE him.

-- What a career he has had. Look at how different he looks from part to part. He's truly extraordinary.

-- Gwyneth - his name is ANTHONY. Not ANTONY. Knock it off with the accent, you puffed-sleeve phony.

-- Oh my God. Elephant Man. Wow.

-- WONDERFUL speech. What a beautiful man. Thanking the crews and gaffers and prop people and costume people ... "They are anonymous people ... they work harder than anyone ..." What an actor.

-- Kathy, also live-blogging it, picked up on the stupid "ANTONY" thing as well and I love her because she quoted Eddie Izzard: "it's ANTHONY ... because there's a fucking 'h' in it."

Commercial break

-- Here comes Mandy Moore. She still looks bored out of her mind. Her hair looks terrible - like she just pulled it back in a ponytail. I really like her ... but her hair is awful.

-- Love Clint's tux. Real old-school.

-- Best director of a motion picture: Peter Jackson looks homeless.

-- WHOO HOO! ANG LEE!!!

-- Ang Lee ... so sweet. "I sometimes get too uptight ... too critical to enjoy films ..." Beautiful. He is all verklempt. "This has been an amazing year for American cinema." I agree. Look at his face. "I want to give my first thanks to my fellow film-makers ... " Beautiful. Why is he just killing me now? His little squatty body, his round face ... He's very moved.

-- Heath Ledger looks HAWT.

-- Hi, John Travolta! Love you! You're a freak and you're in a cult, and you need to deal with it.


-- Best actor in a comedy or musical: WOW. Joaquin Phoenix. Well well deserved. Good for him.

-- hahahaha He made a funny comment at the beginning: "Who would have ever thought I would win in the comedy or musical category?" He looks gorgeous.

Commercial break

-- Kathy's comment: "Peter Jackson is sooooo on Atkins." hahahahaha

-- Walk the Line - guys, it's a fantastic film. See it. It's so good.

-- Renee - what is your problem? I hate your sour face. I hate your whispery passive-aggressive voice. I hate your up-from-under-the-eyelids look you seem to find so attractive. Nice dress though. But hateful personality.

-- Best Comedy/Musical: Walk the Line. Awesome.

-- Renee looks like she literally RESENTS that she is not the center of attention. I fucking can't stand her. I mean it. She makes me pissed.

-- That guy's speech is killing me. "I'm just so sad that June and John couldn't be here to see this film ... I know they would be so proud ..." Ooh, he's married to Jane Seymour. She is WEEPING in the audience. Standing, and WEEPING. Beautiful speech.

Commercial break

-- Megan Malully or whatever is just a genius. I love love love love her.

-- Hey Debra: YOU'RE FROM RHODE ISLAND. I know you don't like to admit it, and you never mention us, and you never do anything for us - BUT YOU'RE FROM RHODE ISLAND, BEEYOTCH. I know your secret. You cannot hide.

-- Help - what is this award? Best TV series? I think so.

-- Lost is the winner. Sheesh. I feel so behind. I MUST watch that show ... I feel so out of it. People are literally lunatics with wild eyes when they talk about it. "Have you seen Lost?????" Etc. And of course there is the Matthew Fox factor.

-- 500 people are on that stage right now.

-- "I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for the open bar ..." hahahahahaha

-- Dennis Quaid looks mussed up. Oh my God, he just made the joke that Brokeback Mountain rhymes with "chick flick". Racy!!! Quaid is hot, I don't care that his hair is messy.

-- Leo! The king of the world!!!

-- He looks like he's in the Addams Family, for some reason.

-- Best actress in a motion picture: Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. Wow. Alex - where are you right now? How are you doing???? Mixed personal response to this. Long story. "My mother thinks I'm on a TV show called The Women ..." hahahahaha

-- Amen to your speech, Felicity. Amen. Kind of an amazing moment, if you think about it. A breakthrough, and it makes me happy.

Commercial break

-- Hi, Hillary. Sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage. It sucks. I liked you guys together. I know I've never met you, but oh well. I liked you all together.

-- Oh man. Russell Crowe looks insane.

-- This is for the Best Actor award.

-- Terrence Howard is an AMAZING actor. He caught my fancy way back when in Holland's Opus - but wait til you see Crash.

-- I gotta vote for Heath, though. That performance was iconic, for me. Above and beyond.

-- Philip!!!! Yay! I LOVE HIM!!!! Well deserved. Amazing actor.

-- I'm inappropriately pissed off at Jamie Foxx's sunglasses. I really need to let it go.

Commercial break

-- Denzel. Please lighten up. I'm sick of you. You're a great actor. You can chill now, mkay?

-- Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain. yayyyyyyyyyyyyy I literally clapped at this one, by myself, in my apartment. Yay!!

-- The producer is kind of overdoing it with the adjectives. "The understatedly elegant so and so ... the brash and gorgeous so and so ... the tender yet rough-housing so and so ..." Calm down.

-- But great film - I'm happy for it. Happy for all of them.


And that's all, folks!!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (139)

January 12, 2006

Notes on Project Runway

First of all: the best way to watch this show is to have a huge feverish cell phone conversation about it with your friend Mitchell at every commercial break. Show stops, commercial starts. Phone rings. No hello, nothing like that. We just launch right in. "Kara is LOSING it, huh?" "I am not wacky about that fabric." "Which window did you like best and why?" "Oh, it's on again." Hang up. No good-bye. Just hang up. Only to repeat the entire thing at the next commercial interval.

Thoughts:

-- I think Tim Gunn is an absolutely riveting television personality. I love, first of all, how he talks - that voice of his - kind of clipped and precious - and yet totally eloquent. When he said "P ... U ..." about Santino and Nick's window... But I also like that his comments to all the designers as they make their creations are really insightful - and he's usually right. Like, I know nothing about fashion - but when he makes a comment, I can go: "Ohhh, uh huh ... he's totally right about that." I LOVE HIM. Also, I love him because ... to me, he is the definition of true CAMP. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but in my mind: true camp is NOT phony, or just surface flamboyance. Camp is supposed to exist at the cellular level. Tim Gunn is CAMP at the cellular level. But it's just who he is. Great personality.

-- Santino and Nick really blew it on their Banana Republic window design. It was crap. They didn't take it seriously and it looked awful.

-- I found Kara's emotional breakdown fascinating. Psychologically. And I loved how Zulema just kept going - and kept Kara working. "I don't care if you cry and cut ... but you better not cry and stop cutting." hahaha

-- Marla is way out of her league. And to quote Mitchell, "What I find most unforgivable about Marla is that she is wearing pink-flowered pants." I like her - and I feel bad for her - but that's no reason to win a contest!!

-- Daniel, once again, comes through. I think he's great. I thought their design was perfect - I loved the dress - and I also thought that the two of them worked together very well.

-- Heidi Klum is radiant. I mean, yeah, she's got the makeup and the hair and the shoes - but she's just radiant. You can tell.

-- Santino, here's a message: Please do something about your grease-ball hair. You really have some hygiene issues. I know that you're very talented - it's obvious - and you should NOT be designing for regular people - that's not your deal. You're going to be a high-fashion designer - one of those renegade weirdos - and everyone makes fun of the clothes on the runway ("Who would wear that???") - but eventually the trend will trickle down into the regular populace. But you have NOTHING to do with the regular populace, and you know that, and I think it's great. Your destiny is something different. HOWEVER, I must reiterate my original point. You could definitely use some deep-conditioner with that hair, especially if you insist on keeping it long. I bet your toenails are too long, too. I just have a feeling about that. Please trim your toenails.

-- I find the final comments from the judges SO interesting. Like I said - I know nothing about fashion, and I just don't have that kind of eye. So I just love to hear their responses - which, in general, seem quite apt - and right on the money. They made the comment that it was obvious that the outfit designed by Kara and Zulema was done by two designers. They picked up on that dynamic. It's actually all really interesting.

-- Santino is a big. Fat. Baby. Whiny long-toenailed grease-bomb. But damn. He's an awesome villain. He's a catalyst. You NEED Santino. Because he's dramatic. But the way he challenged Michael Kors on the runway - "I bet there are lots of women out there who don't even know who Michael Kors is ..." Hey Santino, here's a question for you: Who brought you up? How 'bout some manners, chappie?

-- Poor Nick. He was sucked into the vortex of Santino's narcissistic gross-toenailed black hole. I think Nick is quite good - and I would love it if he won. I'm kind of rooting for Daniel, though.

-- Poor Kara. She just couldn't stop crying. She was exhausted and she experienced a psychotic break with reality. Over fashion.

Yup. Great television, folks!!!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (18)

January 11, 2006

Notes on Project Runway

Here's the deal. I am WAY behind the curve in television watching (obviously - since I just discovered Grey's Anatomy) - and somehow - this past weekend, I watched 3 consecutive episodes of Project Runway and I find it highly addictive. I love it, dammit, even though so many of those people competing are soooo obnoxious.

Some notes:

-- Santino is the kind of person who stands too close to you when he talks to you - and he probably never flosses. He's kind of gross. But I have to say: I think the guy is destined for success. Like, I think he could be a very big deal. He's creative, he's courageous, and I actually loved his controversial lingerie line. I think he's a wack-job, but HELLO. Most famous fashion designers are complete and utter wack-jobs.

-- I am deeply in love with Heidi Klum. I just love her personality, her essence, and also her big pregnant belly. I've got a girl-crush on her.

-- I loved (and I mean LOVED) Daniel's lingerie line made out of pin-stripes - I want it to be available at Victoria's Secret as soon as possible. I thought it was fantastic.

-- The sight of Santino kissing up to Nicky Hilton made me sick.

-- I love how they probably EDITED together footage to MAKE Nicky Hilton seem more pissed off than she was. Like random reaction shots, etc. It's so obviously just edited together to build the tension.

-- Lupe's dress was atrocious. I also don't like how she TALKS about her designs - as though she has literally invented creativity. "I like to push the boundaries ... I like to be out there ... I want it to be my vision ..." Well, sweetheart, Nicky Hilton ain't interested in your vision - and your little appliqued flowers all over that weird bunched-up "Japanese-inspired" dress. You're designing for HER, not to express yourself. I thought that dress was really really ugly. Even the model who had to wear it seemed pissed off about it. Like: "Can you believe this gross dress I have to wear??"

-- Diane (that's her name, right?) is very annoying - but I think she's creative. I don't like how - when she talks - only her bottom jaw goes up and down - so she looks like a ventriloquist's puppet - with the bottom jaw flapping away - and her upper lip staying completely still. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I just insane?

-- I'm not wacky about Diane's personality, or her voice - but when they had a shot of Santino looking at her with such contempt and then murmuring to somebody, "She probably hasn't had sex in her life ..." I suddenly LOVED Diane and hoped she won the whole contest - just to shut him up. What a prick.

-- I love Heidi Klum in her little pregnant tank top things ... I just think she's adorable. I also love her accent.

-- That poor Emmet guy. He says point-blank to Nicky Hilton, "I don't want to impose my own ideas onto you - because I don't know you that well." Uhm ... fashion designers are paid to get to "know" celebrities so they can present a dress to them and say: "This, my darling, is SO YOU!" Nicky Hilton gave him a look like he was nuts.

-- And poor Marla. I know she's a mess and all, but there's something honest about her.


I'm kind of addicted to this show. I know I'm the last person in the world to suddenly "discover" it ... but that's the good thing about these reality shows: they are usually on in a constant loop on certain channels so it is very easy to 'catch up'.

I actually don't think that Santino will win ... even though I think he is the most obviously talented. He already IS a high-fashion designer - whether or not he is famous. But I don't think he will win. I think the producers of the show are setting him up - so that we THINK he will win ... and then at the last minute ... big dramatic finish ... he DOESN'T win.

I actually am hoping that Daniel will win. Not sure, though - his personality doesn't really make an impression - and that's what TV is all about after all - but I kind of hope he wins, based on that pin-striped lingerie alone!

So we'll have to see what happens ... but I think Santino will NOT win and it's going to be a huge brou-haha when he gets kicked off.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (14)

January 3, 2006

Creepy dad Simpson

I found myself watching an E True Hollywood Story called: Joe, Ashlee, and Jessica Simpson. It must have been done before Jessica and Nick broke up - because it ended with no reference to it - and ended with Jessica and Nick continuously talking about how strong their marriage was, and how they tried not to listen to the tabloids.

But my main concern - the thing I was mainly struck by - was the overwhelming creepiness of that father.

I don't know how to say it without sounding all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse melodramatic - but I was listening to him talk in some interview he gave - and I felt like I was looking at the face of sheer evil.

Not because he seems evil. Or because he cackles with maniacal glee. Oh, no. He is a person of the lie. He is open, friendly, seemingly a good guy - but deep down? There is something WRONG in there. There is something MISSING.

Nothing wrong with trying to make a buck. But the way he talks about his daughters - the way he objectifies them - I'm not talking about sexually or anything - it's just that he seems to look at them and see dollar signs. He is able to say with complete certainty who Jessica is, who Ashlee is - in terms of their marketing potential - He can "promote" them because he has no love for them. They are money-making machines. And again, that's fine, good for them - but at what cost to that family? He can't stop.

There was a section where he described "pitching" the Newlywed show to MTV. It was his idea, his brainchild. Now ... I don't know ... maybe I'M nuts ... but the fact that he wanted to capitalize on his daughter's marriage is creepy. Where was Jessica's say in all of this? She seems like a pretty down-to-earth girl, kind of silly, unselfconscious - I'm not saying that show wasn't entertaining. It was. But ... it just creeped me out - hearing Joe Simpson describe how he "pitched" Jessica as the star of a TV show to the executives. You'd have to hear it to know what I'm saying.

There's a difference between a father being completely appreciative of his daughter's sense of humor, her heart, her funniness - whatever - and seeing those good qualities and thinking: "How can I make a buck off of this?"

What will happen if those girls have off years?

The Newlywed show put such heat on Jessica and Nick's marriage that it is now ended. How does Daddy Simpson live with that? I am sure he is trying to find yet another money-making angle of his now divorced daughter. Jessica in Divorce Counseling! Whatever. The fact that her life was torn apart by HIS IDEA - is immaterial to him.

Also - I have to quote my sister Jean - during Ashlee's year of hell, my sister Jean said something like: "She should be walking through the halls of high school, talking on her cell phone, and doing her homework. She has no business being in the limelight."

I will admit to liking that "La La" song - but again: as opposed to just letting his daughter develop maybe in her own way - No, that would not be fast enough for Daddy Joe, and it also might not be lucrative for HIM. He needed to control it. So whaddya know - he pitched a reality TV show again, this time surrounding Ashlee recording her first "album". Now - I got no beef with reality TV. I enjoy a lot of it. I find it relaxing and fascinating to watch. But something about his insistence on airing his daughters' dirty laundry - is gross. Dude - give them some privacy. They may want to be celebrities as well - it sounds fun to be famous!! But Ashlee was thrust onto this national stage - by that father - and whaddya know - she fell on her face so badly that her flub-ups will be referenced forever. The SNL debacle - being booed at the Orange Bowl ... I don't fault Ashlee for ANY of that. So what that she wants to be famous? Does that mean she SHOULD be? How 'bout - oh, I don't know - SENDING HER TO COLLEGE?? He doesn't care about any of that stuff. Her father wanted to make a buck off of Ashlee too - so he thrust her out onto this stage, and in no way was she ready for any of that. She paid no dues, did not know how to sing (live or otherwise) - it was unfair. It was unfair to do to her. You know, being a live singer actually takes some - you know - skill - and it also takes practice to get good at it. He just thought that he could "market" her to death and no one would notice that she had no talent. Then - when she failed miserably on SNL - he comes out and makes some creepy statement about "acid reflux". He is just FAR TOO INVOLVED in every little BURP his daughters utter. BACK OFF, evil man.

I can't help it: I am fascinated by what goes on behind closed doors in that family. WHO IS THIS MAN??

Also - he has a little earring in his left ear, and I just found that even more creepy.

Yup.

The face of evil. People of the lie. He's one of 'em.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (16)

November 2, 2005

The "turn off the TV" morons among us

It's been a while since I ranted. I have not edited this. I am also not shouting at anyone in particular. I am shouting at the people out there who say stuff like, "I don't even HAVE a television" - with the assumption that that is BETTER. If this shoe fits you, then I am shouting at you. If it doesn't? Then I am not shouting at you.

Here goes. (Michele Catalano used to rant about this on a yearly basis - they were awesome posts!. I miss her already.)

I watched television as a child AND I read books.

HOW ON EARTH WAS I ABLE TO MANAGE THAT? I was able to do BOTH THINGS??? Oh no! This so ruins the agenda of the "turn off the TV" fanatics!

Let's take a look:

Not only did I watch television AND read books but I also watched television AND played outside for hours ....

but I also watched television AND spent time with my family ...

but I also watched televsion AND did my homework ...

but I also watched television AND managed to blow through half the public library in a week's time.

If you think the balance is off in your household, then limit the amount of time you watch television. Simple. Stop acting so superior because you have no control over yourself and can't handle having a television near you without sinking into a 12 hour sinkhole of passive viewing. That's YOUR problem. Stop being such a snot. Stop saying, "I don't even HAVE a television." Oh man. If I never hear some superior jagoff say to me, "I don't even HAVE a television." it will be way too soon. There's an assumption with a certain group of people that of COURSE it is BETTER to not watch television. Of COURSE.

Uhm - why? Who made up that rule? A bunch of superior snots? Well, excuse me if I don't pay attention to THEM.

I'm an adult, living alone, and I monitor my own television watching. I could zone out for hours watching television. I could lose hours of my life to that activity. I choose not to go there.

Television ain't the problem.

The problem is YOURS.

I happen to enjoy stupid shows like The Real World. Is this evidence of moral rot? If you think it is, then again I suggest that the problem is YOURS and not mine. I also suggest that you mind your fucking business. Just because YOU can't understand watching The Real World as a leisure activity, doesn't mean that there is something WRONG with those who DO enjoy it as a leisure activity. I enjoy shows like that because I can relax, they are mindless, I can sink into my armchair, and just chill out for a half hour ... I do not think television needs to educate. To preach. I do not think entertainment needs to always be edifying. I think it's great for escape, for fantasy, for release, for catharsis ... Relaxation/leisure time ... HIGHLY undervalued in our society. So to the "what is the meaning of it all" snots (I love that word - can you tell), I say: Fine - go watch your PBS shows or the History Channel, and do whatever you need to do. But please leave me alone so I can zone out to Breaking Bonaduce after a 17 hour nonstop day.

I watch Breaking Bonaduce AND I carry a copy of The Federalist Papers with me at all times - cause you never know when you're gonna want to dip into it, right?

Breaking Bonaduce. The Federalist Papers. Deal with THAT disconnect. I think I heard some unimaginative brains explode ... the type of folks who thinks art ALWAYS has to be educational.

I would like to state, for the record, though, that I AM learning stuff from Breaking Bonaduce.

What am I learning?

-- I am learning that Danny Bonaduce is OUT OF HIS MIND
-- I am learning that there is a certain sub-set of celebrity in Hollywood whose ONLY HOPE is to appear on a reality show
-- I am learning that rehab is no picnic - even if you go to a cushy rehab center outside of Los Angeles with new agey therapists, and rock-climbing
-- I am learning that somehow Danny Bonaduce's wife is able to weep in her therapists' office and still look gorgeous. I need to know what kind of foundation she uses. Even when she cries it doesn't clump up.
-- I am learning that it is bad to mix steroids with Vicodin and alcohol

I am learning MANY things.

But mostly. It's entertaining. It's interesting. I enjoy relaxation. I take it where I can get it these days.

I live primarily in my mind. In case you haven't noticed. I am a heady bookworm-ish intense and kind of uptight person. My body is stiff ... but my head is WHIRLING with thoughts ... ya got it? I don't relax easily.

But with certain shows, I can just sink back, let it all go, let my brain off the hook for half an hour ... and be entertained.

Now the "turn off the TV" cabal (hahahaha love that word) will never accept this explanation from me, an explanation that comes out of my own life, my own experience. They're the black-and-white people. They have one stance: TV is BAD. TV is bad: talk to your family! Read books instead!!!

Uhm ... again: why the either/or? As a child, I talked to my family. AND I watched James at 15 almost religiously. What if the Eight is Enough episode that changed my life had been aired during some TV Turnoff week extravaganza?? I would then have not seen the show that gave me the inspirational strength to get me through the rest of junior high. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.

So yes: if you watch TV for 6 hours every day you've got some problems - but the problem is NOT the television. The problem is YOU. So what that it's there? That means it always has to be on? No - that means that YOU have no control over your impulses. I have a box of ice cream sandwiches in my freezer. Does that mean I should eat 10 in one sitting? Uhm - no. I have them there for when I feel like something sweet. If I can't control myself - and I know I can't control myself - then I should not have ice cream sandwiches in the house.

It's the superiority I can't stand. It's the condescension I can't stand. It's the nosy busybody moral-scold snottiness that I cannot stand. From people who don't get it anyway. I don't want to be scolded by people who don't get relaxation and entertainment in the first place!!

The attitude appears to be: Since I don't see the point in Big Brother: The Celebrity Version - then NO ONE should see the point in it.

Oh wait ... but that's my real point. Shows like that DON'T have a point. Shows like that are ... ENTERTAINMENT. There is no point. If you want a point - then watch the news, or watch the History Channel, or watch documentaries. But there is a PLACE for stuff that HAS NO POINT. So just shut UP. SHUT UP about how bad pop culture is. SHUT UP. There is PLENTY of stuff out there for ALL OF US.

I know it's an extremely difficult thing to grasp: but I watch The Real World AND I watch The History Channel.

If you can't deal with that, then you seriously need more help than just turning off a television will give you. Actually, Danny Bonaduce's therapist seems like a really good guy (even though he appears to have had his face ironed out into a silk-like smoothness that is highly unnatural) ... maybe you should give him a call!

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (88)

July 14, 2005

I don't know how to say this ...

... in a gentle way.

I cannot be gentle.

I just watched an hour of Being Bobby Brown.

And ...

Okay. I am just gonna give up my manners here:

Those two are the RUDEST most CLASSLESS most OBNOXIOUS people I have ever seen IN MY LIFE. They have NO CLASS. They may have a lot of money but they have NO CLASS. A beggar crouching in the dirt in Sierra Leone has more class than those two.

I am SHOCKED. What exactly did they think this reality TV show would give them? A boost to their careers?

Well ... Whitney has a career. Her voice is a God-given gift. Doesn't mean she's not a CLASSLESS LUNATIC ... but she's got a voice.

I love Bobby Brown's song "My Prerogative". It's been on the running tape I make for myself for almost 20 years. That is a damn fine song.

But ... uhm ... that was 20 years ago.

Does he think he comes off looking good in this? Is he aware how disgusting he is? He's all about farts and taking shits, and being a big fat BABY expecting his wife to mother him. He's the most disgusting mamma's boy. He gets a knot in his shoelaces and throws a FIT expecting Whitney to deal with it. Dude: do you realize how PATHETIC YOU ARE????? He throws tantrums, he mugs to the camera ... And she's not any better. She is a lunatic. It seems like she is always stoned. Her eyes never open all the way. Watching this show makes me ACHE for their daughter. I want to do an intervention. She HID in the department store because she saw her father start to take apart a mannequin because he basically CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE if he is not the center of attention. Whitney took her daughter to the Young Miss section to buy clothes ... and Bobby stalked through the aisles, exclaiming, "NONE OF THESE CLOTHES WOULD FIT ME. WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?"

Oh. What a bore.

He should be locked up.

Whitney should be medicated.

Their daughter should be taken away from them.

It doesn't take much to shock me, but these two are a freak show. And more than anything else - I am baffled as to why they agreed to do this show. This is evidence that they are complete lunatics because I am sure that they probably think that their antics are kind of hilarious and charming and irreverent ... when really they are just disgusting and classless.

Get some feckin' MANNERS, you idiots. I have seen Whitney's mother in interviews. Whitney's mother is an amazing singer in her own right. She is a classy dignified spiritual woman. Whitney should be ashamed of herself.

And Bobby is beyond disgusting. He gets up from the table at a chic Japanese restaurant and announces that he's taking a cigarette to the bathroom because: "I'ma gonna dropa big one, y'all." Dude: WE ALL POOP. What - do you want a medal? Why do you assault me with your bowel movements? He obviously had incomplete potty training or something.

I feel assaulted. I didn't MEAN to watch it for an hour but ... once it started ... i could not look away. It was like a disgusting operation or something.

Those two are PIGS. Just PIGS.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (21)

June 13, 2005

6 feet under

Tonight? The second episode in the latest season of 6 Feet Under.

There are many gripping questions to ask at the start of this new season:

-- What the heck is up with Georgie Crazy Boy? Wow. Bad choice, Ruth. Bad bad choice of husband. Where the heck is that gonna go? Will he permanently move into the fallout shelter?

-- Will Billy ever recover from his love of Brenda? I think we're gonna see some Chenoweth falling-off-the-rails action and I am PSYCHED. The Chenoweths are not interesting when they are pretending to be emotionally healthy.

-- Will Nate ever stop being such a tight-assed judgmental prick? Used to love him, now I literally cannot stand him. Ew.

-- Will I ever really give a crap about whether or not David and Keith's adoption process? Honestly. I do not care. One bit. For whatever reason, even though it's an interesting issue, in the context of that particular relationship, I think it's a big yawn. I went and made a snack for myself during the whole "should we go with surrogacy" dream sequence. Boring.

-- Will Claire stop making her creepy cut-up-faces art? Like ... Claire. Whatcha doin'? Also: will she listen to that inner voice that says to her: "BILLY CHENOWETH IS A FREAK. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!" Or will she ignore it?

All of these are very interesting questions to contemplate.

But really? The most gripping question is this one, and it's a carry-over from last season:

-- Will Nate ever BUY A FECKIN' STROLLER FOR HIS ANNOYINGLY PLACID CHILD??? The fact that he doesn't have a stroller and always walks around holding Buddha-baby in his arms - even on long walks - makes me so angry ... I just think it's stupid. Unrealistic. Not to mention the fact, too, that Maya has to be the most unrealistic baby ever portrayed in television history. Does she ever EVER make a sound? Does she gurgle, cry, babble, scream? Most babies I know are pretty loud little buggers. And even if they aren't loud, they DO MAKE SOUND ON OCCASION. No, no, no, not Maya. She is content to play silently with her toys, staring up at the adults with knowing Buddha eyes, and then to be carried around IN NATE'S ARMS ... because no no no, no strollers for Nate ... staring out at the world with placid Buddha eyes. I was sick of Maya almost the second she was born because of her calm Zen-like concentration - I just thought she was annoying, and my revulsion for her just grows with the passing of time. But it's gotten to the point where whenever I see Nate enter a scene, holding her in his arms as opposed to using a stroller, I almost have to get up and leave the room.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (4)

April 26, 2005

Letter to Cookie.

cookie.bmp

Dear Cookie Monster:

So. Yes. Everyone is talking about this. I first heard the news and I thought: Uhm ... NO. Cookie would have nothing to do with this. He would stand for that photo shoot in the article, and he would look over the Food Pyramid-approved vegetables with his huge voracious googly eyes, his black hole of a mouth, and he would be searching, searching ... eyes scanning over carrots, grapes ... looking for THE ONE THING IN LIFE HE CARES ABOUT. He would have increasingly anxious thoughts as his google-eyes scanned about: "Where cookie? Me want cookie ..."

To me, Cookie Monster, you will always be:

A blue. Furry. Googly-eyed. Cookie-eating. LUNATIC.

Beloved by children everywhere.

Your name is Cookie MONSTER. Mkay? Not Cookie LOVER, or Cookie Boy, or Cookie Afficianado. You are a MONSTER and your whole life is about COOKIES. You do not have a normal level of desire. In fact, you are so obsessed with cookies that THAT THAT IS YOUR NAME. This has never ceased to amaze me. Ernie loved his Rubber Ducky, sure, but his name was not "Rubber Ducky", his name was Ernie. You took your obsession to such new heights that no one could call you anything else.

How many of us can say that? Is my name Old Movies? No. Is my name Central Asia or Founding Fathers? No. My name is Sheila. Not too many of us live our entire lives harboring only ONE GOAL, and holding up that ONE GOAL above all others. It takes courage, drive, and commitment. You haven't taken your eye off the cookie once.

Until now.

Now they will force you to say that cookies are only good for you SOMEtimes. This must KILL you, Cookie. That would be like some stupid group of unimaginative people making me do a commercial where I said, "It's okay if you like old movies ... just don't like them TOO MUCH."

Those people don't understand passion like yours, those people wouldn't know how to love something in the feverish way that you love cookies. They are JEALOUS. They want to CONTROL you. Perhaps, like Mitch suggests, they want to call you "The Moderate Monster". They look at your wacko eyes and they hear your caveman syntax ... and they can't stand your wildness, they can't stand the greatness of you, they rush in to tamp you down. It has taken them 25 years ... but now it has occurred. You will now become a mouthpiece for their fear and caution.

It must kill you. I can only imagine, Cookie, the shame. The shame of being forced to betray your deepest held convictions about cookies.

Cookie, let me tell you this. I will not forget the old Cookie Monster madman. I will still believe that you are IN THERE, even though they won't let you show it anymore.

I will still remember fondly that time you ate the telephone because it looked like a cookie. Good for you! You had the cord hanging out of your mouth, and your googled-eyes suddenly looked flat and very confused. But still: good for you, you gave it your best shot.

I will still remember how you burped long and loud at the end of a Christmas special, after you ate the Christmas tree. That belch must have felt really good, Cookie.

I will still remember the growing frenzy you would show, as your need for a cookie fix grew to apocalyptic levels. I always wanted you to have a cookie. I never wanted to hold you back.

I WILL REMEMBER YOU, COOKIE.

You'll always be a wacko raging cookie-loving Id to me.

Me want old Cookie.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (30)

April 22, 2005

A string of shameful confessions

Actually, what I am about to share here is embarrassing on so many levels that it's almost like a hall of mirrors.

1. Since I got television, I have discovered this horrible WONDERFUL reality show called The Surreal Life. This is the first embarrassing confession, and really - all other confessions come back to this one. Like: WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? Well, frankly, because I find it feckin' FAScinating, in an awful toe-curlingly-embarrassing way.

2. It's half an hour long, and it appears to be on some kind of never-ending loop on VH1. It's always on. So I have been able to do quite a bit of catching up - so much so that I actually saw one episode twice.

3. You guys, does anyone else watch this show??? There are things that happen on it that ... I actually can barely believe my eyes. Like, even though it's right in front of me, I cannot get enough of it. Mini Me getting WASTED is an example. I didn't know whether to laugh or run screaming from the room when I watched that episode. I remember my friend Alex telling me about it, a while back - like: "WAIT until you see Mini Me - so drunk he's pissing in the corner ..." Now I understand what she was talking about. You watch this show and your jaw literally drops ... Shrieks of laughter are held back in your throat, because ... it's all just too weird.

4. And lastly: the most shameful confession of all: I have kind of a huge crush on Christopher Knight (aka Peter Brady). He's grown up to be quite handsome, washboard stomach, and has a well-developed sense of the absurd. For example: a trashed Mini Me will perambulate by drunkenly on his scooter - Christopher Knight will watch him go by, and then he will glance at the camera, kind of stunned - but you can SEE the laughter in his eyes... He's like: "I'm sorry, but where the hell am I right now?" He's very cute. I like his peronality. Am I actually saying this?

Season finale coming up next week sometime, I believe. Honestly. I am counting the minutes.

That China Doll person is one of the funniest weirdest characters I have ever seen. Saying to Sally Jessy Raphael of all people - in her overly dramatic self-important incoherent way:

"No. I did not learn from this. I was rewarded from this."

Huh? China? What?

It's all so entertaining.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (54)

January 22, 2004

Television

I do not have television right now. Last night I got together with my friend (and old roommate - wrote an essay about her here) - and we caught up. It has been a while. Also, I lived with her for almost 9 years - We are used to being "caught up" with each other on a daily and intimate level along the lines of "Oooh, you got your eyebrows waxed!" Or "I had this crazy dream last night..." Or "Let me read you the email I just got from that guy we met a couple nights ago..."

So seeing each other once every couple of weeks is quite disconcerting. Now we have to do big catch-ups. How's your life, are you dating anyone, how's your show going, how is your family?

We are still not used to it.

We hung out in her candlelit apartment, we talked, we rolled about roaring with laughter. Nobody makes me laugh like Jen. And her laugh! I know you haven't met her and all, and maybe you have someone in your life who you THINK has the best laugh - but you haven't heard Jen's laugh!

And then - we watched television.

Jen admitted to me in a shamefaced way that she is addicted to "The Apprentice", the new reality show, starring Donald Trump. Jen is a discerning person, Jen has good taste, but Jen has succumbed. And after watching "The Apprentice" with her, I can see why. Now I'M addicted.

It was odd - I was absolutely entranced by the television. By the commercials. It was hypnotic. Jen surfed around, channel to channel, and I watched, agog. So weird. In a way, I'm glad I don't have TV because my time would be taken up at night, surfing around for hours. But I am sorry that I missed Howard Dean's "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH" speech. (I loved Jane Galt's description of comments overheard the next day about the speech. I loved the one guy who said, "What does this say? He's angry and he's got an atlas.")

I couldn't take my eyes off the television. I drank in the images.

And within 2 seconds, I got COMPLETELY sucked into "The Apprentice".

The thrust of this episode was that they would all be challenged on negotiating techniques. They all had assignments: get golf clubs for THIS price, get your legs waxed for THIS price ... The two teams (split up between men and women) raced around the city, trying to get these vendors to come down in their prices.

Although the women did win the challenge, (they crushed the guys) I was completely disgusted by what they resorted to. These are business women, these are professional women, and they resorted to little-girl pleading techniques - One assignment was they had to get squid at a certain price, and one of the women showed the fish vendor her concave belly, ostensibly to say "I'm so hungry, look how hungry I am!" But what it really was was a flirtatious gesture. She was showing some SKIN to get what she wanted.

And the guys, meanwhile, were using more recognizably corporate negotiating techniques - and not having as much luck.

I found it gross. Demeaning. And it was even worse (or more telling) that the girls WON with that shit. Only one of them did not use her sexuality to get what she wanted. She basically talked the golf-club seller down, telling him what HE would get out of it, making it seem like HE was winning.

I was proud of her. I was proud of my SEX at that moment. I was embarrassed to be a woman watching that other shit. But ah, what an irony: they won the challenge. They crushed the guys. So I suppose flashing your skin during a negotiation is acceptable. I wonder how that would work if you were trying to negotiate a deal with a corporation.

"Oh, come on, PLEASE give us what we want! Look at my underwear!! Aren't my panties so cute???"

Listen to how much I am talking about this. I am a goofball. I do not have television. I found the entire thing completely captivating.

Afterwards, Jen and I discussed the show, as seriously as if it were Tolstoy.

It was a blast.

Posted by sheila Permalink | Comments (18)