The Sheila Variations

Kickin' it old-school with Jimmy Fallon and Neil Patrick Harris

Back in the day, guests would come on to Johnny Carson and yeah, sometimes they would "plug" their latest project, but those were always the most boring segments. The best guests were the ones who knew how to banter, to keep the conversation rolling, who made Johnny laugh. Not the careerists - but the people who knew how to tell a story. If you are familiar with this clip of Mel Brooks talking about his first meetings with Cary Grant - that's what I'm talking about. BRILLIANT. Johnny Carson doesn't say one word. And it takes a long time to get to the punch line. The story itself is funny and detailed - you know, this is how people who know how to tell stories talk ... but the punch line ("Tell him I'M NOT IN") comes way at the end, and the payoff is enormous because Mel Brooks has done his job, as an anecdotalist, leading up to that point. The laughter is a thunderclap.

Now this is old-school Borscht Belt humor - these are the guys who basically created much of what America thinks is funny - they were GODS ... so Johnny having them on (and others like them) ... was always a delight, because you weren't going to hear polite back-and-forth about a starlet's first movie that was opening that weekend. You were going to hear some tall tales. You were going to see someone who knows how to, you know, TALK.

Anyway, the clip below is of Neil Patrick Harris on the Jimmy Fallon Show, doing a magic trick.

First of all - both men couldn't be more charming to me in this clip. They are doing a bit together. It's improvised - but watch how they keep that ball in the air.

Second of all - I am sure Neil Patrick Harris has projects to "plug", and things in his career to talk about.

But he spends his time on that show doing a magic trick - and watch how it unfolds, and develops. And wait for the payoff - which is HUGE.

These are men of my generation and the generation directly behind mine.

But it's nice to see that old-school talk-show style alive and well with the two of them.

And "charming" sometimes now has the connotation of something coy, or precious, or hoity-toity. But I found this clip "charming" in the TRUE meaning of the word. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time I watched it, and I wanted it to go on forever.

Dear poster that I now see everywhere:

Please don't ask such a question unless you expect an honest answer.

The answer is Hell yes.

"From the Earth to the Moon": HBO mini-series

In 1998, HBO launched its massive Tom Hanks creation, From the Earth to the Moon, a 12-part miniseries detailing the entire space program in America, from its early days to the last moon-landing. The mini-series was highly decorated at the time, and it is not hard to see why. A massively ambitious project, it examines all the different aspects of the program - from the astronauts, to the "world outside", to the pressures from NASA, to the engineers who had to build these spacecraft, to the wives - and it does so, blessedly, with very little schmaltz. This is potentially tough material. It seems like a no-brainer, but the traps are everywhere. It could have been far too golden-hued or kitschy, or it could have left out the more petty parts (the clash of astronaut egos, the political pressures and ramifications, the very human emotions of greed and ambition) in favor of a more promotional flag-waving endeavor. It brings up (at least in this American viewer) a sense of national pride ("Look at what our guys did!), which should be just treated as a given, and not worked for, because otherwise the entire thing becomes a propaganda exercise. From the Earth to the Moon does not fall into that trap. It knows it has a great story - not just in the space program as a whole, but each different mission - and its challenges, its triumphs, its stop-gap solutions. By the end, you really get the sense of just how ambitious (and crazy) this project really was. The mini-series is smart to focus on the details of the space program, and let the emotions come as they will - not work for them.

It's telling that my favorite episode of the 12 is the one called Spider, which details the journey of Grumman Aircraft's building of the Lunar Module, which took eight years, and much improvisation. It is a slam-dunk of an episode, and mainly involves guys in glasses and white shirts and ties hovering over small nuts and bolts, and staring at their little space-craft models with serious eyes. But by the end of the episode, when that Lunar Module is being taken off to actually, you know, be USED, to land on the moon ... and the wonderful Matt Craven, who plays the head engineer, watches it go off, you really get the impact, the hours of manpower and the hundreds (thousands) of men involved in making such an accomplishment possible. It is truly moving. And the emotion is earned, not assumed. The astronauts, naturally, got all the glory. Perhaps with the doomed Apollo 13 mission, the engineers and Mission Control guys took center stage - it was them who figured out how to get those boys home ... but I very much liked that From the Earth to the Moon focused one of its episodes on the true NERDS of the space program, the guys who struggled and suffered and brainstormed, over a number of years, to make this thing happen. They were building something that had no precedent. There was nothing to work from. Nothing to look to as a model. Every step of the way had to be thought out, tested.

Unforeseen consequences of tiny choices had enormous impact. The velcro, for example, used throughout the command module, to stick pens to, to stick their feet onto ... a practical solution to the floating void of space the astronauts would have to be working in. The velcro was a practical solution, which - during the Apollo 1 fire, which ended the three astronauts' lives - ended up having dire consequences, due to its flammability under a higher oxygen level. But there were so many things like that that could not be avoided, no matter the brainpower focusing on each problem ... and the mini-series does not shy away from that reality. These guys were test pilots. They were used to taking their lives into their hands. They knew the risks. But it still didn't mean that they were cavalier when men were lost. It is a difficult and complex thought, and From the Earth to the Moon is tangible with that reality.

The series is filled with great acting, and one of the best aspects of it (and it is that way by design) is that it is not a star vehicle. We don't follow one man through the program. People come in and out. There are a couple of regulars. Nick Searcy (what a face, what a wonderful actor) plays Deke Slayton, an astronaut not allowed to fly due to a heart problem. That must have been a bitter pill for him to swallow, but he took his expertise and know-how to become the over-seer for each mission, handling the flight commands. He appears in nearly every episode. Then there are astronauts who start to grow in importance, as their mission comes nearer - Tony Goldwyn (who is marvelous) plays Neil Armstrong, and we see him briefly at the beginning, in the first episode, and he then subsides ... until it is his turn. Other actors (Tim Daly, Dave Foley, Cary Elwes, Mark Harmon) play other astronauts, who have their moment in the sun. All of them, naturally, want to be the first guy out. These are competitive gentlemen, and the mini-series really captures that Right Stuff "yeah, baby" relationship between all these guys. But we also have Lane Smith, in a fictional character, based on Walter Cronkite, who details the space program for us, over a number of episodes, interviewing the astronauts, and giving us essential details of how the whole thing works. He's wonderful. There are people (like Kevin Pollak and the marvelous James Rebhorn - he's my kind of actor) who take center stage for one episode alone, and then disappear. Stephen Root, another actor whom you would instantly recognize and exclaim, "Oh, it's that guy!", is fantastic here in a number of episodes. God, is he fun to watch. He gets the humor, the toughness, the steely-eyed focus ... Wonderful. But the list goes on and on. Ann Magnuson has a small cameo as the sweet nurse who works with the astronauts before each mission, and there's one shot of her, in her office, during a launch, clutching a rosary, eyes closed, lips moving in prayer. Every time we have seen her up to that point, she is taking blood from an astronaut's arm, or bantering with them - every time we have seen her she has been in her official position. But the mini-series takes the time and has the imagination to show her, by herself, praying for those guys she has come to know. It's a lovely touch, but the mini-series is full of subtle moments like that. It flat out would not work without them. Something like this, so grand in scope, so huge in ambition, needs - and needs desperately - to be grounded in reality and detail. From the Earth to the Moon is.

Ron Howard and Brian Glazer were producers on the project, and, in a really nice dovetail, have gotten as many of the actors from Apollo 13 as they possibly could. Not to play the same parts - but it's nice to see that those who played astronauts in Apollo 13 play astronauts here as well. Ron Howard's brother, so memorable in Apollo 13, plays another Mission Control guy. Some of the Mission Control guys in Apollo 13, who are also astronauts looking forward to their own missions (I love the one guy who says, "When I go up there, I'm bringin' my entire collection of Johnny Cash") - play astronauts in From the Earth to the Moon. Familiar faces. If you're an Apollo 13 nut like I am, you will recognize everyone. "Oh! That's the guy who helped build the filter!" It's down to that level of detail. And so it creates a real feeling of community and continuity. Even though these people are actors, because they have already inhabited that world so accurately in Apollo 13 - they bring with them the memories of that film, helping add to the sense of authenticity in From the Earth to the Moon. Nice choice.

Each mission has its own character and challenges. Tom Hanks, a space nut since he was a little kid, says in one of the DVD extras, that while we all know the name of Neil Armstrong - how many people are aware of just what went on during the mission known as Gemini 8? But there would be no Neil Armstrong on the moon if it hadn't been for the steps taken in Gemini 8 (and all the others) ... and by watching each mission unfold, you really get the sense of the teamwork and ingenuity involved. It was a nearly impossible task. Not to mention the fact that all eyes were on NASA. The gauntlet had been thrown down: "by the end of the decade" ... so the deadlines are unreasonable, the media-spotlight intense ... not to mention the fact that there were other national things to worry about at the time, like assassinations and war and civil unrest. Did we really care about getting to the moon when things were so bad on earth? Because this is a mini-series, it doesn't have the problem of focusing on just one of these things, which would make it all rather top-heavy and ponderous. There is one episode called "1968", which focuses on the events of that terrible year (not just in America, but around the world), and the sort of otherworldly old-school atmosphere of NASA, still moving along, still moving ahead ... but with attention being pulled off their objective. The mini-series format helps us glance upon these important things, but not dwell ... not stay there ... factor it into the mix, and move on.

The overall effect is that of a collage.

I watched it when it first came out. It felt like the entire country watched it. It was, that rarity nowadays, a television event.

I am now, naturally, watching it again, on my own time ... mainly because Ben Marley, who played astronaut John Young in Apollo 13, is here again, playing Roger Chaffee, one of the astronauts who died in the fire on the launch-pad in Apollo 1. And so my motives are not pure (or ARE pure, however you look at it) ... but it's been a lot of fun to watch the entire thing again, over the last two weeks. It's a mind-boggling accomplishment, as a whole. And I haven't even mentioned the stellar special effects, an undertaking deserving of its own documentary in and of itself. In the DVD extras, there is a "featurette", detailing the creation of all of the images, and it was fascinating. One of the things I really liked about it was that it had a mix of digital effects and actual footage. For example, one of the biggest sets was ever built - a replica of the moon surface - which was almost two acres large. The shots of the crew, walking around on the moon, placing big plaster-of-paris rocks, and basically shoveling moon-dust around, wearing plaid shorts and sweatshirts and tool belts, is hilarious - a beautiful incongruous moment of movie-making. How to make the effect of sunlight and shadow on the moon? We learn about that in the documentary. How to make the astronauts appear weightless? We learn how they did that, too. A giant undertaking, and I thought the special effects here were superb.

There are other actors I haven't even mentioned, ones that I would love to write more about. David Andrews, who plays Frank Borman, he of the ice-blue eyes, bushy eyebrows, and basic awesomeness, is one of my favorite characters in the entire mini-series. He is a fantastic actor, never less than riveting, three-dimensional, powerful ... But he is just one of many.

I will, obviously, be writing more about this, but I wanted to just give my overall thoughts this morning.

"Square Pegs" - 'It's Academical' (or: the heartbreaking return of Larry Simpson, aka Ben Marley)

Here's part one!

PART TWO

We left off with our quiz-show team chosen three: Muffy, Larry Simpson, and Patty, and we can already see there are going to be competitive issues between Muffy and Patty for Larry's love and adoration.

It is already apparent that Larry is drawn to Patty, but it is also apparent that she becomes a blithering idiot in his presence ("girlf"), and may not be up to the task of competing for him. But you also know that Larry is a little bit afraid of Muffy (aren't we all), and Muffy is really no competition at all.

Who knows how it will work out!

Let's take a look!

Muffy, Larry and Patty sit squeezed together in a booth at the local hamburger joint. Lauren sits at the counter nearby, basically coaching Lauren through what to say, through vigorous hand gestures and pantomime. Larry busts Lauren on this a couple of times, glancing over and seeing her wild gesticulations, and he starts to crack up, before getting himself together. It's endearing.

Look at how they're all squeezed in there - obviously so they can all be in the same shot in close-up but I want to say, "Guys ... learn boundaries - no need to sit ON TOP of each other. Unless of course, you want to ... Just don't do it in an open grave, mkay?"

Naturally, Muffy is dominating here. She is turning all of her focus onto Larry, and she talks as though she is in a Barbara Cartland novel.

"We are from two totally different walks of life, Larry!" she exclaims passionately.

Larry says, trying to keep everything in a more practical vein, "But we're both high school students."

Muffy barrels on, sighing, "C'est la truth."

Poor Patty.

Poor Patty, how 'bout poor Larry! Larry squirms through all of this, but still - he has that tragically attractive quality of still trying to be nice, even though all he wants to do is say, "Muffy. Back off, lady."

He tries to divert the conversation to more of a group event. "How was your burger, Patty?" he asks.

Patty doesn't know what to say to that, because ... she doesn't have one thought in her brain in that minute, and has no idea how to conduct herself. She glances over at Lauren desperately, who mimes to her that she should say, "It was THE BEST burger I have EVER tasted." hahahaha Guys like girls who are enthusiastic, apparently. So Patty, desperately, does what Lauren tells her to do, and gushes, "It was THE BEST burger I have EVER tasted."

Larry is kind of taken aback by the overly passionate response. He's like, "Uhm ... wow ... I'm really happy for you ..." Then he glances at Lauren, sees the tailend of her giant pantomime, and then gets what's going on. He starts to laugh, trying to hide it. It's kind of unbearably sweet and I don't care who knows my feelings on that score.

I know I keep saying this, but look at Muffy in that last shot! It just cracks me up. She is so annoyed at the interruption and that she does not have Larry's undivided attention.

Muffy blows right over Patty's gushing over her hamburger and continues on her romantic pursuit, leaning in over Patty, and insisting, in a breathless voice, that working together - with their two giant brains - will be the greatest love story of all time. Larry is caught, trapped. All he wants to do is get the hell out of there.

Muffy has one of the funniest lines in the episode here. She confesses, emotionally, "Larry, you bring out a level of pep in me I never knew I had."

Finally, he extricates himself from Muffy's clutches, but not before she reaches out to wipe the corner of his damn mouth with her napkin. He basically ENDURES that, but he's twitching away from her at that point. He picks up the check and says, "I have to go - let me get this - " Muffy can't have this, she reaches out and snatches it from his hand, saying, "Heavens no - this will be a Pep Club expense ..." All generous and benevolent ... and he's visibly uncomfortable now, picking up his books - "Okay, okay," he says, getting up - "I'll see you guys later" and basically rushes off, free at last.

Muffy watches him go, desperately. Doesn't look at Patty but hands her the check, still staring off after Larry, saying, "Patty, I seem to be short on cash ... could you get this, please?" and she rushes off after him shrieking, "LARRY???!" Again with the comedic slam-dunk of Jami Gertz.

The second Muffy is gone, Lauren races over into the void, to commiserate with her friend about how things are going. Lauren gets an idea. "You can't be too smart, Patty. Boys don't like girls who are smart." Patty is baffled, "They don't?" Lauren then launches into a giant monologue about why this is so, and how there is historical precedent to prove her point. "Did you see A Star is Born on TV last night?" she says. "James Mason plays a movie star, but when his wife gets more successful then him, he becomes an alcoholic wreck."

Patty is a lamb lost in the woods, she obviously can't handle interactions with Larry on her own steam ("girlf"), so you can tell she is considering Lauren's advice.

And you just know that this will not go well.

But very few things DO go well when you are 14 and in love with a hot senior. With "vigorous chest hair" and forearms that make you want to kill yourself if you're not allowed to touch them on your own terms and for as long as you want, PRONTO.

Next scene shows a study session with Larry, Muffy and Patty in the library. Muffy has taken the reins of the entire thing. She has somehow gotten transcripts of all of the quiz shows in the past - "It is said," she declares, as though she is talking about some Egyptian creation myth, "that they don't repeat questions ... but they may be lying." She has written flash cards with all the questions on it, and she ostentatiously passes out copies to Larry and Patty. Larry, meanwhile, is treating this all kind of humorously, because there's really no polite way to fight Muffy's bossiness ... and Patty sits sweltering in silence, waiting for her big moment to "act dumb".

Please notice how Lauren is hunched in the background of the second shot. That makes me laugh!

Larry does his best to assert his own power here, and says, holding the flash cards, "Okay - why don't we try some American History questions?"

He looks at the flash card and reads, "List the five presidents, in order, after Hoover."

He ponders this as Patty tries to look stupid, even though she probably can figure out the answer. Patty hems and haws, saying, "God ... I feel so DUMB ... I should know this ... why don' I know this?? I'm so STUPID!"

Larry starts to give her weird looks. Huh? What the hell is going on?

Patty makes a wild guess at the answer, "Didn't some of them have beards?"

Larry is basically surrounded at the moment with women who are flat-out lunatics. He has nowhere to turn now.

Muffy barges into the void, exclaiming: "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO."

Oh, Muffy. Please stop being so crazy.

Larry and Patty are stunned into silence by her gibberish. Larry says, "What?" Muffy explains, proudly, "Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson! Rough Tots Eat Cool Jello!" I mean, how do you respond when someone acts so crazy?

Patty forgets that she's supposed to be acting dumb, and says, bitchily, "Kennedy doesn't start with 'C'."

Muffy loses it. "Are you trying to imply something about my intelligence?"

Patty snaps, "That's infer."

Uh-oh. Patty is showing she's smart. She then crumbles back, saying to herself, "How did I know that?" She turns directly to Larry and says, "Normally, I don't know things like that."

Larry doesn't know who he is anymore. What the hell has happened to Patty?

Also, why is she abandoning him to her own brand of lunacy, leaving him alone and undefended against Muffy? It would be much better if it were two against one - the two smart NORMAL ones against the smart INSANE one.

Muffy is on a rampage. "You may get grades as good as mine, but I have an advantage because I will be faster on the buzzer. I grew up with a push-button phone."

Larry is no longer concentrating on the study session. He keeps looking over at Patty, confused. Muffy then sees a group of students working on a banner in the other corner of the library and she howls in anger, "Oh, they've spelled my name wrong on that banner!" and flounces off. (You can see the big banner in the background - with huge letters: M U F Y. hahahahahaha)

Now comes a killer scene, which is really rather unfair, because it raises expectations in the fluttery hearts of adolescent girls everywhere. He CARES about her. That's the message. Devastating!

The second Muffy leaves, Larry turns to Patty and says, "Are you feeling all right, Patty? You really blanked out on that Presidents question."

What I like about the script here is that Patty doesn't keep up the charade. It gives an opportunity for a moment of connection - which does happen from time to time in high school (I am thinking of one of the best books of high school life and emotion that I have ever read - Prep, by Curtis Settenfeld - my review here. Prep is an unbelievably accurate - wrenchingly so - evocation of the adolescent experience from the ground up. So much of it has to do with play-acting, pretending to be a certain kind of person - choosing a persona, or having one chosen for you, accurately or no ... and it's a wilderness of make-believe, but sometimes - rarely - a moment can crack through that facade, and you are TRULY seen. More often than not, such moments are devastating, rather than pleasing ... but boy, those are the moments you remember). So the script writers, instead of having Patty keep up the act (which just wouldn't have been as interesting, much more cliched) - they have her 'fess up.

It's like Larry Simpson, and his concern for her, disarms her completely. He can be trusted. You can tell him things. You can admit your silliness. He won't judge.

Patty looks at him, hesitating, and then comes clean. "Have you ever seen Star is Born?"

He replies, kind of joking, but sweet, "Are you drunk?"

Patty's braver now, she's back in the realm of truth, and she says, "A friend told me that you would like me better if I wasn't so smart."

Larry almost laughs at this and says, "I don't think you should listen to that friend anymore." (as Lauren hovers in the background, subliminal).

Patty is relieved. "Really?"

He's gentle, now, talking to her very seriously, like he's trying to give her advice about how to live. "Patty, why do you think I went out with a college girl? Because she's smart. I like smart girls."

Uh oh. See, when you make a connection like that (college girl = you, Patty) you build up someone's hopes! He doesn't just say, "I like smart girls" - he says: "I went out with someone BECAUSE she was smart" and in a crazy 14-year-old's brain, that will immediately equal, "I want to go out with YOU." Whether or not that is what you intended!

Also, you can tell that Larry is proud of the fact that he dated outside of his age-group. He's a little vain about it.

I like him better for this small flaw.

Patty says, "You do?"

Larry says, and it's strangely intimate the way he says it, like he's not talking in a generalized abstract way, but very specifically - about her - "Yeah. So you don't have to do all that with me. You're smart. I like that."

To quote my friend Mitchell, the Jew: "Sweet Jesus."

He makes sure she got the message, with a quiet insistent, "Okay?" She nods, happily. It's a heart-cracker. Then he says, gathering up his books, "Okay ... I'll see you later, okay?" And off he goes, the most romantic hero of our era.

The second he leaves, Lauren swoops over, wanting to hear everything. "Tell me everything that just happened."

Patty is sitting taller now, her shoulders straight, her face calm and peaceful. She says, "Larry doesn't like dumb girls. He likes smart girls."

Lauren takes this in, and, true to form, immediately adjusts. "Okay, then, you now need to be the smartest girl he has ever met. Start studying!"

She is oblivious to her contradictions. She goes whichever way she is needed. It's hysterical. Patty calls her on it. "You do realize that that is the exact opposite to the advice you gave me yesterday?"

Lauren shrugs. "If I can be flexible, so can you!"

Now we come to the big moment: the filming of 'It's Academical' in the school gym. Longfellow Tech (boooo) vs. Weemawee High. There are battling squads of rival cheerleaders, people with banners, TV crews setting up ... general pandemonium.

Vinnie, LaDonna and Jennifer stroll into the gym.

I just need to take a moment to say: Look at their clothes.

Shame. White-hot shame.

Vinnie is still trying to figure out a way that he can get seen on the dance show. He has heard that there is going to be a sequel to Saturday Night Fever and he wants to be in it. "It's going to be directed by Sylvester Stallone," he raves, "and you know he doesn't just go around doing sequels." Ha. Funny line. Jennifer is, as always contemptuous (her epitaph should say "Meh" - a phrase I despise on the face of it - it, to me, suggests everything that is wrong with social interactions in this internet age. Oh it must be so DIFFICULT for you to be so OVER everything, to be so BEYOND joy that all you can say to pretty much anything is "Meh". Boo. Boo on Meh.) Jennifer says, "Yeah, like I really want to, like, stand in line to see Sunday Night Fever." Poor Vinnie, dating such an unsupportive drip.

Meanwhile, Dan Vermilion is "backstage", putting his makeup on and straightening his beard, and he makes some bullshit comment to the assistant principal nearby about how, "yeah, we all do our own makeup ... DeNiro ... Hoffman ... Pacino ..." Hilarious!

Now we get our first glimpse of the rival team, and have to say it, they are an intimidating and snotty looking bunch. Their air of competition is far more frightening than Muffy's more anxious shriek-fest of "gimme gimme gimme". These are worthy foes. Don't underestimate them.

They make the Weemawee team look like little kids.

Nice to see that Larry has once again donned his washed-up-professor-of-18th-century-French-literature's blazer.

Very appropriate for the occasion, smartypants.

The show begins. Lauren is LIVING it from the audience, shooting her support and love up onto the stage out of her eyeballs in a blinding-white paralyzing glow.

The quiz show begins. At one point, it becomes apparent that something fishy is going on. Dan Vermilion doesn't even finish the question before the Longfellow Tech main beeyotch rings her buzzer and gives the right answer. They are obviously cheating! They knew the questions beforehand - it is so obvious! It gets so bad that Dan Vermilion says, at one point, "In 1678 --" BUZZ from Longfellow Tech. Vermilion says, "Yes?" and the main blonde beeyotch leans in and says, "The defenestration of Prague?" Which, I'm sorry, is just fucking funny. Vermilion shouts, "CORRECT!"

Not fair! Is that the only damn thing that happened in 1678?

Next question: "In 1253 --" BUZZ form Longfellow Tech. Vermilion says, "Yes?" Blonde leans into the mike: "Mongols sack Baghdad." "CORRECT."

The audience is starting to get unruly, the cheerleaders from Longfellow are leaping around, and there's an ugly mood to the proceedings. How will Weemawee compete with such egregious cheaters?

Sadly, though, we begin to see Larry's character flaw in a clearer light.

At one point, he leans over and whispers to the snotty blonde, "How do you know all the answers?"

She smirks. "It helps if you know the questions beforehand."

And instead of being turned off, you can see that this young man is, alas, turned on. All you need to do, apparently, to get in with Larry Simpson is be a haughty blonde saying, "The defenstration of Prague"! (note to self ...)

Uh-oh. Foreshadowing.

Meanwhile, the Weemawee team is having internal trouble. No matter who buzzes the buzzer (and it's usually Patty), Muffy cannot leave well enough alone - and she single-handedly ruins two answers in a row, due to butting in. One of the answers is to spell "Erebus". It's Patty's guess.

She says into the mike, "E - R - E ..."

And Muffy cannot wait, cannot sit back, and screams at the top of her lungs, "B - U - S!"

Dan Vermilion, so lax with the haughty cheaters from Longfellow, is a hardass with the Weemawee kids. "Hey - which one of you is answering?"

Muffy shrieks, "I am!"

Vermilion replies, "I'm sorry, then, your answer is incorrect. You just spelled 'BUS'."

hahahahahahaha

Another tragedy occurs when, as they had hoped, a question is repeated from a former show. The question is, "Please name all the US Presidents after Hoover." I am sure we can see which way this one is going. Muffy, ecstatic, manic, pounds her fist on the buzzer and hollers like an opera queen, "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO!"

Vermilion replies, "Uh ... no ... that is not correct ... Longfellow?"

Naturally, haughty blonde coolly gives the answer like a Hitchcock heroine. "Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson."

Larry and Patty are not happy here. And rightly so. The game goes to Longfellow. All because of Muffy.

And that's that. The game breaks up, and Lauren races up to Patty to console her. Patty seems to be taking it okay, laughing with Lauren, saying, "Muffy! She just could not keep her hand off the buzzer!"

Lauren, still working it, says, "Now you and Larry have to go out and console each other."

"Really?"

"Yes! Defeat is so romantic!"

Of course it is, Lauren.

The crowd is mingling, and you can see Larry, in the background, see Patty, and come over to talk to her. He's pretty easygoing about the whole thing, too. I mean, you can't be too upset when you lost because your teammate is, frankly, a buzzer lunatic screaming "B-U-S" and "ROUGH TOTS EAT COOL JELLO" at the slightest provocation.

He says, laughing, "Well, at least it was fun, right?"

Patty gawks up at him, in love. "Yes, it was."

The moment trembles ... it is almost perfect ... if the stars align, and Mercury rises into Jupiter's orbit, and the sun moves behind a cloud ... something might happen next. Larry might ask her to go grab something to eat. Maybe take a walk and laugh about Muffy. Something ... They tremble on the abyss of possibility ...

I'm sorry, but he is just absolutely to die for here. I love men.

Lauren can feel the vibe between the two as well. She stands there, beaming upon it ... WILLING it to happen.

But then. Ruination.

The blonde from Longfellow sidles up to Larry, and says in an insinuating voice, "Larry, I would love to get your thoughts on the Treaty of Ghent."

Never have the words "Treaty of Ghent" sounded so salacious.

Larry gets the message. He says, taken aback, but drawn in at the same time, "Okay ... sure!"

She takes his arm in a proprietary manner and leads him away (again, shades of Eunice Burns. Is that Larry's fate? To be yoked to a dominating boss-lady? Perhaps! Although my very spirit balks at the thought! Maybe it's a phase!). He says, "Bye, Patty," in a kind heartbreaking tone ... and then off he goes, to (vigorous quote marks) "discuss the Treaty of Ghent". Yeah, in the back seat of his convertible. Or perhaps in an open grave.

Patty is deflated. Once again. Lauren, ever the optimist, gushes, "Look on the bright side! At least he's dating closer to his age group now!"

Cold comfort, indeed.

And now it is time to kiss Larry Simpson goodbye.

Wave goodbye, class! There he goes!

"Square Pegs" - 'It's Academical' (or: the heartbreaking return of Larry Simpson, aka Ben Marley)

PART ONE

This episode was near the end of the one fateful season of Square Pegs, and when I re-watched it last year, I had to laugh at how much I remembered. Even specific lines came back to me.

The other episode I remembered that well is the one called 'A Cafeteria Line', where gawky geeky Patty nabs the lead in the school play (opposite Vinnie), and there are all kinds of boundary issues (are their characters in love, or are they??), not to mention friendship issues (Patty starts to choose Vinnie over Lauren, and it doesn't go well) ... and then, at the end of the episode, Patty sings her big song ... and as a young teenager, I was strangely THRILLED about this - because my first Broadway show had been Annie, when I was 11 years old ... and who played Annie but Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a beautiful clear and strong voice ... so I was so psyched (as though I were her manager or something) that the powers-that-be at Square Pegs knew she could sing, and let her show her stuff on Square Pegs. Not to mention the fact that it was a song about wearing glasses - and I had worn glasses since I was 10, and hated them, so it all really spoke to me.

BUT. Back to 'It's Academical'. This heartbreaking episode witnesses the return of Larry Simpson, the hot senior from the pilot, played by Ben Marley. I like it when a show like this has a good memory and honors that memory, ie: having Ben Marley come back to play the same role. It doesn't always happen that way, and believe me, as a panting 14-year-old girl, I was relieved to see the same cutie-pie show up again. I gasped, as though I was Lauren on the track, when I first saw him in the episode. "It's him!!!"

You know. Boys like that were celebrities in school, and they wore their celebrity with ease. I am still vaguely in awe of people like that (call for Keith M.) Plenty of people let the power of their position go to their head, but those that didn't were rare and your interactions with them stayed with you for days. Square Pegs gets that.

In 'It's Academical', Weemawee High School has been chosen to compete in a local televised quiz show called 'It's Academical' (whose host is a funny bitter chain-smoking failed actor), and three students will be chosen out of the entire student body to represent Weemawee.

Who will be chosen?

Will romance bloom or falter?

Can anyone bear the suspense??

Let's get to it.

There's a pep rally at Weemawee (they seem to have a lot of those), and many announcements are made. What a bore. Isn't that what a loudspeaker going throughout the school is for? Muffy, naturally, is running the show, screaming, and honking a huge noise-maker to force everyone to quiet down. She seems to be having a prolonged manic episode. Principal Dingleman (you know, Dingleberry) is on vacation, so the assistant principal steps in to be "acting principal" for the week. He is an ex-hippy, and starts his speech to the class with some inappropriate anecdote about how the last time he was "in the principal's office" was in 1969 when "we had tied up the professor of the college ..." You can watch Muffy's face go slowly from manic support to horror and then anger, as she takes the mike back.

Jami Gertz is so over-the-top here, and I haven't exactly followed her career (Lisa? Want to fill us in?) but she's quite a comedienne. Her observations on ambition, nervousness and also her willingness to look like a complete ass are all right on the money. Great character. No wonder an entire generation who saw that show remembers the name "Muffy Tepperman".

She is all a-flutter as she takes back the mike and announces the big news that Weemawee has been chosen to compete on the local quiz show against a rival high school - Longfellow Tech. Muffy leads the gym in booing the rival. Based on grade point average, three students - "the smartest in the school" will be chosen to compete. And you can tell that Muffy assumes she will be one of them. As far as she is concerned, it is already a done deal.

Dan Vermilion (great name) is the host of the local TV show (as well as a bunch of other local shows) and is there to announce the big news. It's hysterical. He stands off to the side, in the gym, as Muffy babbles on, smoking and making bitter comments about how much he hates kids and let's get this thing over with. Finally, he runs up to the mike, soulless entity that he is, accepting the accolades of the demographic he despises. He is full of himself, once upon a time he had big dreams ... you know he probably played the lead in Camelot in college, and truly felt he was a rival to Richard Burton ... but now here he is, hosting local shows along the lines of "Community Auditions" (well known to anyone who lived in Rhode Island in the 70s. "Star of the DAY - who will it be? Your vote may hold the key! It's up to YOU - to tell us WHO - will be STAR of the day!") and hating his whole life. Very funny.

Look at Jami Gertz. hahahaha

As ridiculous as the character is, she is always alive, and responding, and doing absurd things in the background of every scene.

Vermilion's announcement sends the student body into a tizzy. Everyone wants to be on television. Lauren grabs Patty and tells her she HAS to be on the show. Not because it would be good for Patty to show her smarts, or to have something that will look good on a college application - but because fame, even local fame, is the quickest route to popularity. Patty is, of course, more reticent and shy. She knows she's smart, she has good grades, but she's not really a go-getter in that respect.

The goombah Vinnie has no interest on being on the quiz show (thank God, because he refers to the show as 'It's Academicalogical') but Dan Vermilion hosts another show - a dance show - and that's the one Vinnie wants to be on. He shouts from the crowd, and then - to Tracey Nelson's utter horror and LaDonna's mortification - he jumps up on his chair and starts gyrating, showing his stuff off, unprompted.

Standup comedian hopeful Marshall sees this as his big chance, too. The show is live, so why can't he somehow get on the show, have a couple of minutes to do a routine, a couple of knock-knock jokes, whatever. This is his moment. He cannot let it slip by. He knows his grades aren't good enough to get on the show, but that is irrelevant to Marshall. He will barge his way into the action somehow! Johnny Slash is very frightened by this prospect. As he is frightened of most everything.

The world is frightening to Johnny Slash. If only he could live in his music. It would be a totally different head. Totally.

Dan Vermilion will be back later in the week to announce the winners. See you all then, folks! Everyone files out of the gym, buzzing with anticipation.

Lauren, Patty, Marshall and Johnny go out for a burger at a local joint afterwards. Lauren is determined - "This has to happen, Patty!" - and Marshall is trying to figure out a way that he can get in on the action. He asks Johnny to "rehearse" with him, but it doesn't go well. He asks Johnny, "Okay, so you be Dan Vermilion ..." and Johnny replies, "Then who would HE be?" He is a very literal human being, and cannot make the leap of faith to pretend. Marshall says, "Ask me a question - any question!" Johnny says, "How are you?" Marshall says, "No, Johnny ... ask me a question from history." Johnny nods, like "Okay, I got it", and then asks, "How were you yesterday?"

Muffy barges over to the table and it immediately becomes apparent that she knows Patty is her main rival for this thing, so she starts to subtly (uhm, not really) throw her weight around, trying to intimidate and dominate. "It is obvious who will be chosen ..." Patty just isn't the competitive type. She doesn't claw back. Muffy towers above their table, long hair swinging back and forth, collar neatly turned down in a frighteningly correct fashion, and she is a sight to behold.

Meanwhile, at another table, Jennifer, Vinnie and LaDonna also talk about the quiz show. Vinnie is stuck on the dance show, and Jennifer says she would never want to be on the quiz show because "like, they ask you questions ... like, I've seen them, like, do it." LaDonna (whom I love more and more with each re-viewing) is determined that SHE will be on the show. She may not be a brainiac but "every week they ask SOME question about Otis Redding, and I am a graduate of the Soul-Train College of Musical Knowledge", and for that alone she should be on the show. I think she's got a point. Especially in light of what happens later.

No sign of Larry Simpson yet. Not even a mention. The suspense is killing me!

The school gathers again a couple of days later to hear the three chosen contestants. Seems like it would be much easier and more efficient to announce these things over the loudspeaker during Homeroom - that's the way we did things at OUR school - but at Weemawee, togetherness and artificial PEP trumps efficiency, apparently.

Dan Vermilion is there, once again, in white bucks, smoking a cigarette in the gym, being bitter and over-it, until it is time to run up onto the stage.

He makes a big deal out of announcing the winners.

"Our first contestant is .... MUFFY TEPPERMAN."

The applause is tepid, and actually makes you feel a little bit bad for Muffy, but then her over-reaction is so insane that you stop feeling bad for her. She acts as though she is the underdog winning the Academy Award. She races to the mike, screaming incoherently about how "shocked" she is, which is very funny because you know she's not shocked at all. Also, no need to give a thank-you speech, Muffy ... you haven't won the quiz show yet. But no matter. She screams and blusters and shrieks, as everyone stares on in disgust. Thank goodness her ego is so huge. She strolls through the contempt for her, head held high.

Dan Vermilion somehow gets the mike back from her, and goes to announce the second student. I just had to grab this screenshot, because in the moment of anticipation - please look at Jami Gertz's body language. Seriously, this is an actress who feels FREE. She holds nothing back. Look at her!

Now comes the big moment. Dan Vermilion calls out the second name: "Larry Simpson! Come on down!"

Finally! A glimpse!

Now, of course, Lauren and Patty freak out. He's a celebrity to them. Even the way they say his name ... they draw it out .. "Larry Simpson!" It's like "George Clooney" to them! Lauren is now out of her mind: Patty MUST be the third student chosen. Not only will she become popular, but she can also win over Larry Simpson's heart! They watch him walk down the aisle, agog - Lauren basically drooling over him, and Patty with something a bit more wistful. Patty says, "He probably doesn't even remember who I am" and Lauren gushes, "The last time you spoke, he kissed you and told you he was seeing someone else! Boys don't just forget moments like that!" I love how Lauren has an answer for everything, and that answer is always about empowering her friend, and building her up. That's so what I remember from high school, and even though it led us all down some pretty insane paths - that's what you do when you're friends, and you're 14 years old. You validate the other person's insanity. Lauren does this in spades. As far as she is concerned, Larry Simpson has been carrying a torch for Patty the entire school year. And by the end of listening to Lauren rant and rave, I start to believe it too. Even though I know it's insane!

Larry goes up and joins the others on the stage, running his hand through his hair as he did to devastating effect in the pilot. Lauren and Patty are out of their minds.

Then comes the big moment - when Dan Vermilion calls out the final name. It is, of course, Patty. Lauren flips - it is as though it is her victory as well - and Patty is shy and awkward, she doesn't want to walk up there in front of everyone - she gasps, "I hate aisles!"

But, bravely, off she goes.

Please look at Lauren here. It makes me want to hug all of my female friends.

Slowly, Patty walks up to the stage. Everyone is clapping, including Larry, who is obviously a nice person, not an "over it" kind of guy.

Look at Muffy's face, please.

And then, awful, Patty trips and falls onto the stage. Larry, naturally, is there immediately, helping her pick up her books and her ubiquitous lunchbox. He's sweet, looking right at her (in a way that would have slayed me as a teen and would still slay me now), and he somehow makes it all right that she just had this awkward moment. It's actually kind of funny, and he makes her smile about it.

Stop killing me, Ben Marley.

Thank you.

It's as though the whole world falls away. The sounds of the gym fade away, and they are the only two people on the planet. Again, Larry, be careful who you flirt with!! I myself am the same way. I'm a horrible flirt, because basically I mean business at all times. You flirt with me casually at your own risk. So, you gonna finish the job, or what? I'm not saying this is a good quality, and I often wish I COULD flirt and, more importantly, be flirted with, but I can't. If I like you, and you like me, and you engage with me in casual banter, then I assume you mean business, just like I do. I'm not talking about being "serious" or "love", I'm talking about something much more prosaic, like getting my phone number, or at least attacking me in the corner by the jukebox. Flirting qua flirting holds no interest for me at all. I'm HORRIBLE at it. I don't do small talk, and I would need to be paid in order to be coy. I don't play games. I said that to a guy once, actually - it was in Ireland, and the vibe had been floating between us all night, through talk and jokes, etc. I felt like if I gave him the opportunity to make his move, he would ... but flirting with no end in sight just isn't my bag. I liked him enough, even though I had just met him, and the energy was open enough (ah, the Irish male) that I said, "Don't flirt with me anymore unless you are prepared to finish what you started, mkay, sweetie?" I said it with humor, but, you know ... truth as well. And what happened? He pushed me up against the wall and attacked me. Life was beautiful. He had just been waiting for the right moment anyway to step into his rightful role as grabby aggressive he-man action figure, and I let him go for it. Ah, the crazy American girl. So I know of what I speak. I have gotten my heart broken because a guy flirted with me and had no intention of following through. Makes life tough in the singles scene, I'll tell you that. I pretty much just stay away now, because I obviously never learned the rules of the game, and it's way too late now.

Larry, in his quiet gentleness here with her, is opening a whole can of adolescent worms!

Next we see Patty and Lauren walking down the hall. Patty is nervous, and Lauren is ecstatic. Patty will now get to have one on one time with Larry, and isn't this miraculous??

Having a friend like Lauren is worth its weight in gold. Because she just goes with the flow. Whatever Patty is going through, she supports and builds her up. If Patty changes her mind about something, then somehow Lauren immediately finds a way to incorporate that, and change her sales pitch. She could sell snow to Eskimos.

Then comes a big moment. They see Larry at his locker in the empty hallway (with pictures of football players and tennis players taped up to the inside. Of course.) Lauren is ecstatic because there's no one around. Oh, the memories of being 14 and knowing you only had FIVE MINUTES to take your chance to talk to the GREEK GOD SENIOR you were currently in love with, because soon the bell would ring and the halls would be crowded and you would have lost your big moment ... to do ... what ... say "Hi?" and scurry on by? Well, frankly, yes.

Larry is oblivious to the teenage drama going on behind him, and finally Lauren gives Patty a shove in Larry's direction, and Patty (again) stumbles, and her lunch box goes flying across the hall, landing at Larry's feet.

Mortification central. But again, Larry, with the ease of the "higher life-form" (phrasing stolen from A., my partner in Ben Marley crime), makes it all seem all right, and actually comedic. He picks up the lunch box and jokes, "I think I recognize this!"

Teasing her about her fall earlier.

But Patty is in a whirlwind of hormones, and as we all know, when hormones are in a whirlwind, sometimes the subtleties of humor are lost on us. She grasps at straws, she stutters ... all as Lauren rolls her eyes in the background.

Larry, true to form, pretends that Patty is not in a tizzy about him. It is obvious she has a huge crush, and he's kind about it, not mentioning it or belittling her. He tries to keep the conversation going. Which actually just makes things worse ... because here he is, casually talking to her, as though they, you know, KNOW each other ... and that makes Patty's case of the nerves even more acute.

He says, with the air of one settling into the conversation (which is so important - then and now - if girls get the feeling that you are on your way somewhere, and you have one foot out the door ... well, you won't get much tail, that's all I'm saying. Or the tail you get will not be the tail you really want. Larry talks to her, leaning back up against the locker, his body language saying, "I got nowhere else to be!") - "So where have you been? I haven't seen you around lately?"

She stutters about being busy, and then, out of desperation, turns the conversation back on him - which leads to Ben Marley's most charming moment in the episode.

She has no idea what she is saying, there is no forethought, so she blurts out, "And how are you? How is your college girlf---" She stops herself, horrified. Was she just about to ask him about his "college girlfriend", the one who made their liaison not possible at the freshman dance? What is she, nuts?

But the funniest thing is that he says right back to her, "My college girlf?"

He doesn't scorn her for her ridiculous error, but he teases her ... which throws her into a tailspin.

"Girlf?" she gasps. "I didn't say 'girlf'!"

He starts to laugh, and it's to die for, because he tries to keep it together, and not laugh AT her, but he can't help it. I mean, GIRLF, for God's sake.

He says to her, persistent, adorable, "You said 'girlf'."

Poor Lauren watching all of this is in agony at how badly it is going.

Patty backtracks, "No, no, I didn't mean 'girlf' ..."

He, however, validates her interest, even through her denials, and says in a serious sexy way that would seriously be difficult to recover from if you were 14, "I think you were talking about my college girlfriend?" Patty is about to detach from the earth and fly up into the atmosphere, so he says, gently, "I'm not going out with her anymore. We broke up."

Oh dear. Why are you sharing this with her, Larry? Don't you know what it will do to her? Do you mean business or are you just flirting? INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW.

Uhm, Lauren? Control yourself, please.

Patty loses her head when she hears he is no longer "going out with the college girlf" and exclaims happily, "You're not??" before correcting herself with, "I mean - God, that's awful - I'm so sorry ..."

Again, he is laughing and kind at her gaffes here, and basically you just want to kill yourself watching it. With lust.

Cause that's his JOB. That was Ben Marley's primary job here as an actor - to make the young female audience want to commit hari-kiri from the sheer power of their lust - but without making a big show of his sexiness or his appeal - and he does it. He doesn't skulk or behave in an overtly sexy manner - but he's, instead, nice, kind and easy with himself. Killer combo. Hari-kiri.

They're having a nice conversation. But alas, all good things must come to an end.

Muffy is approaching. She barges right into their duo, and takes over. She is obviously smitten with Ben Marley too (and who can blame her), but her approach is much more direct. She is sweepingly dramatic and overwhelmingly bossy. She begins to make demands, acting as though Patty, the third member of their team, is not standing right there. It is breathlessly contemptuous. But I gotta say, I feel for Muffy. I really do. I had a moment like that at one of my high school reunions, when I was having a conversation with, basically, the Muffy Tepperman of our high school class, and I suddenly saw, in a flash, how hard high school had been for HER, too. She was a cheerleader, a singer, she was always featured in pep rallies ... but life wasn't easy for HER either. Muffy is in love with Larry. And again, who can blame her. Yes, she is obnoxious, but we are not always at our best when we are in love.

Larry becomes visibly uncomfortable the second Muffy enters the conversation. She is "too much" for him, she stands too close, she is too insistent, and she has DEMANDS written all over her. You watch him try to disengage, you see him try to still be nice, but also put her off. He coughs, fidgets, looks down the hall ... this is all very nicely played by Ben Marley, because he is doing multiple things here. You can tell that he was enjoying the conversation with Patty, too ... and Muffy ruined something that was nice and pure. He tries to keep the lines of communication open with Patty, and include her, although Muffy explicitly lets it be known that she does NOT want Patty involved ... but all the time, he's still doing his best to be nice to be Muffy.

It's terrible.

Look at Muffy's face in that last screengrab. I want to say to her, "Muffy, darling! Save SOMETHING for a rainy day, sweetheart - don't give it all away!"

But we all have our journeys,

Ben Marley obviously senses that gleaming-eyed maniacal look of need, and he tries to wiggle out of it, but Muffy - as we all know - doesn't take No for an answer. She wants to get together after school and start studying for the show.

Larry is too nice to be like, "No, beeyotch, I want nothing to do with you ..." He says, all adorable hesitation and awkwardness, "Sure ... fine ..." Then dragging his eyes over to Patty, he says, "You want to come, too?"

Subtext being played: Please? Please come? Don't leave me alone with this wackjob.

Patty says, breathless, "Okay!"

Muffy does not like this, her main goal is to shut Patty out, so she grabs poor Larry by the arm, and drags him off, lecturing him about where they need to start first in their studying, and how important it all is ... (shades of Eunice Burns here ...)

Larry, in a devastating moment, (again, if you think like a 14 year old) throws a desperate glance over his shoulder back at Patty, as he is dragged away.

He wants to be with her, not Muffy! Muffy is way too much pressure - Patty is sweet ... but he cannot resist the bossy tug of Muffy's arm - at least he cannot do so without being overtly mean to Muffy, and that is just not his style. So off he goes.

Patty is left alone and dejected in the hallway, and Lauren races over to scold her for waiting too long to "say something" (say what? declare her undying love?). Patty knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on, she had handled the interaction badly ("girlf??" You know she will wince when she thinks about that later) ... but at least she now has the after-school meeting with Larry and Muffy to look forward to.

In the words of another tragic heroine, tomorrow's another day.

PART TWO TO COME ....

Before we get to Ben Marley in the Square Pegs episode "It's Academical",

let us glory once again in Muffy Tepperman's hair, her shirt, her little pin, her collar, and her expression.

"I'm going to ignore that, because, frankly, I don't get it."

I think hers is the most comedic performance in the entire show.

The "Square Pegs" pilot: In hot pursuit of popularity and Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley) - Part Two

We left off at the halfway mark, after Patty fills Lauren in on the most amazing experience of her life - "fainting on Larry Simpson". She can be forgiven for exaggerating. She is 14.

Patty and Lauren have been volunteered (by Muffy) to make decorations for the freshman dance. They sit after school and paint posters, and all Lauren can talk about is Larry Simpson and how he LIKES Patty and how they have to somehow work this, because there is no time like the present! AS they are talking, naturally - who walks into the room but Larry Simpson. In gym shorts, help me Jesus.

Lauren sees Larry and his friend come closer and, more aggressive than Patty, calls out to him. Instead of being a douche, and rolling his eyes and strolling by, he sees that Lauren is sitting with Patty, and says, "Hi!" in a nice heart-cracking way that I, personally, would totally have misinterpreted as a 14-year-old, thinking he obviously liked me if he said "Hi" in that manner. Actually, I might mis-interpret it now too! He and Patty have a bond now. He stops to chat, which is even worse (and by "worse" I mean "better"), because he obviously wants to be there. Lauren is both just googly-eyed up at him and his friend.

Larry says something to his friend like, "This is the girl I told you about ... Patty ..."

THE GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT?

DON'T PLAY WITH MY HEART, BEN MARLEY!!

He's humorous and nice and makes Patty repeat "that funny thing you said the other day ..." In that moment, he's building her up. He's making her repeat something that made him laugh, to his friend.

This is all just soul-crushing.

Patty is on the moon. She says "that funny thing" again, and Larry Simpson laughs again and says, appreciatively, almost intimately, "You have such an unusual mind."

Where is the fork? I need to plunge it into my solar plexus.

But then Lauren, whose social skills leave a bit to be desired, butts in. She can't help herself. As a grown woman I would call this moment a "cock block", and I believe that it is essential to have female friends who intuitively understand what a cock block is, and why you should not do it ... it's just a sense that should be developed by the time you're an adult. Seriously. Bump it up the priority list if you don't have it down-pat, because nobody likes a cock-blocker. Anyway, Lauren doesn't mean any harm (many cock blockers don't - that's the worst part - and Lauren's too young to really get it yet) - but Patty and Larry are having a nice (to quote Eddie Izzard) "splashy-splashy" moment, when Lauren blurts out, "Larry, are you going to the dance?" all breathless and agog.

It stops the action. It interrupts. It is not on topic. The cock is blocked.

That's a no-no, Lauren.

Oh, and just in case you think I'm being too hard on the poor hapless cock-blockers, on one or two awkward occasions I have actually cock-blocked myself, so I do understand the problem. But get it together, and GET OUT OF THE WAY. I have often thought that my friends Ann Marie and Mitchell should give seminars (together) on how NOT to cock-block. They could make a killing. They bring not only non-cock-blocking but encouragement of the friend's romantic action going on to a high art form. It's sometimes impossible NOT to get laid when you go out with those two. They set you up as the funniest coolest person in the world, and then disappear into the night, leaving you to navigate the situation yourself. Brilliant!

Anyway, there's an awkward shrieking-on of the brakes when Lauren blurts out her comment, and you can see everyone awkwardly dealing with it. Larry Simpson says, "Yeah, sure ..."

Lauren gushes, "We'll see you there!"

It's one of those weird high school moments where you can totally tell that one group is 14 years old and one group is 18 years old. From a long-distance view, all teenagers may seem the same, but don't you remember on the ground when you were 14 and those senior classmen seemed like ADULTS? Like, they had RAZORS in their bathrooms and stuff like that. You were just a KID who still had teddy bears.

Larry says, "Okay ..." Again, he's nice to Lauren. He's not a douche, even though he probably can see what she is up to. He doesn't say, "Yeah, you wish you'd see me there ..." He nods and says, "Okay." But, inevitably, his eyes drag back to Patty.

Let us revel in the moment.

For as long as possible.

I'm guessing Patty feels the same way I do.

Granted, it's not the iconic American-male-movie-star hotness-with-years-of-similar-images-behind-it of something like this:

But in Square Pegs, he's playing a different kind of character, a regular boy from the suburbs, good at school, nice, obviously plays soccer, and cute as hell.

He then says the fateful words, "See you there", and strolls off with his friend, leaving the girls in a state of complete emotional dishevelment (and poor Marshall, who has to look on at the drool-fest going on).

Look at them watch him go!

Of course Patty and Lauren are whipped up into a frenzy about the words "See you there" which seems to hold some kind of ... promise?

Oh, girls. Watch out.

Change of scene, change of cock. Marshall and Johnny Slash are in the listening library at the school (well - Johnny Slash is listening to Devo or something), and Lauren and Patty are strategizing about how to get to the dance, and how romantic it will be. They actually believe that Patty is going TO the dance with Larry. At some point, Marshall comes up, and with many a "but seriously folks" interjection, asks Lauren to the dance. She is openly dismayed. She is at the point where Patty's life is far more important to her than her own. But they end up agreeing to go to the dance with Marshall and Johnny (who has a car), as long as Marshall and Johnny agree to stand six paces behind them at all times, like Prince Philip. Hahahaha Poor Marshall and Johnny agree to that. Johnny appears to be terrified of girls, in general. He may have a cool exterior, but inside he is a trembly mess.

Now, finally, the dance. The sad foursome stand out on the steps of the school, and they are all basically waiting for Larry Simpson to show up. Horrible! God, it brings me back to how embarrassing I could be in high school, waiting around for some dude to walk by, so I could maybe have eye contact with him and then write 20 pages about it in my diary.

Johnny Slash has completely divorced himself from the situation (what a shock), and is deeply engrossed in the music coming out of his headphone. Lauren and Patty peer off eagerly into the night. Marshall is still hopeful that the wind will swing his way, so he murmurs to Johnny that eventually they'll probably get to dance with Lauren and Patty. Johnny freaks out. "Dance? With them? I don't dance. I'm New Wave. Totally different head. Totally." Marshall, again stuck in the days of Sid Caesar, tries to teach Johnny how to dance, and they do an awkward waltz up and down the steps, much to Lauren's mortification.

Where is Larry? Why is he not coming?

Then the most romantic heart-stopping shot in the whole pilot.

Not just because it's Ben Marley, and he's running his fingers through his hair, but because I remember what it was like to be 14, and LIVING for a certain dance, because maybe I would see that upper classman I was so smitten with, and I had no classes with him, no interactions ... but at a dance, I could actually be in his presence in a social situation and maybe ... just maybe ...?

Damn Square Pegs for giving me flashbacks like that. They really are rather unpleasant.

Lauren gives Patty advice on what to say - that his presence makes her stomach go into butterflies, that "we will remember this night for the rest of our lives", and other such balderdash, and then drags Johnny and Marshall off, leaving Patty alone on the steps.

Larry, unaware of the brou-haha that he has caused, casually strolls up the steps in his washed-up 18th-century-French-literature professor's blazer ... and he's not looking for anyone (because, you know, he knows he's NOT on a date) so he almost walks right by Patty, and she calls out to him, "Hi, Larry!"

Awkward!

He's a smart guy (that's set up in how he's talked about), so he has a moment where he realizes what's happened. That she's standing on the steps forlornly waiting for him. But because he's also nice, he doesn't cringe away from her, or play it cool, or any of those other things that would crush her even more. He's nice. He stops and they have a sweet interaction. She's not wearing her glasses, and he comments on it. She pretends like she only wears the glasses "for reading sometimes", and he says, "You look nice" - in a way that has to be seen to realize its effectiveness. (Again, imagine you are an un-kissed geeky 14-year-old ... very important.) She, freaked out, blurts back, "You look nice, too" and he starts laughing and makes some self-deprecating comment about his clothes, although he DOESN'T say, "Yeah, my dad is a professor of 18th-century-French-literature and I borrowed his blazer."

He then says, "Well, we might as well go in, right?" As though they are together, pitter pat, and in they go. You like him. You feel bad for Patty. Life will go on.

Inside the dance is going on. I can't get over the music or the outfits. It's awesome. The Waitresses haven't shown up yet for their gig (they're such rock stars), and Muffy is getting very angry about that. The same dude in the full American Indian regalia is STILL in the full American Indian regalia dancing around, and he is the background of almost every shot, and it's hilarious!

Larry doesn't just ditch Patty when they walk in. They stand there together. It's the most exciting thing ever. Larry has the vibe of one of those guys in high school (again, calling Keith M.) - who was at the top of the peak, yet somehow still had a foot out of high school, giving him a better perspective. He knew there were more important things. That how you treat each other is what really matters. That life would go on after high school. Unlike those who truly believed that this was the most crucial time of their lives. Maybe it's being a senior, but I think there's more to it. Like the way he looks around at the dance. He's not making fun of it, but there's a part of him that does look around and find it all rather funny. That is SUCH a relaxing energy when you are a square peg underclassman and everything is so important!

So then Jami Gertz has her big moment introducing The Waitresses, on they all come, and they start to play "I Know What Boys Like". The place freaks out and everyone starts dancing. Except for Patty and Larry who kind of look on, chatting about nothing. He's being kind and sweet, and asking her if she wants a soda. She is awkward and bumbly, and making no sense at all. Meanwhile, Lauren watches like a hawk from across the gym, peering through the crowd.

Ah, memories!

At one point Larry says, "I like this song" (you know, the man is desperate for conversation at this point - but he takes it easy, not giving her a hard time - he's doing all the work as she bumbles about) - and she gushes, "Me too!" even though she probably doesn't even know what the song is.

One of my favorite moments that Ben Marley has in the episode is while the two of them are talking (with the American Indian war-whooping in the background). He asks Patty if she would like a soda, and in the middle of his comment, you can see him see something across the room, and it cracks him up. He tries to hide it - hand up over mouth - but it's too late. He says, "Uh ... I think your friend is trying to get your attention."

Cut to Lauren standing on the bleechers, waving and gesticulating at her like a maniac. Like - she can't WAIT for the update - she must have it now!!! But I just like how he catches a glimpse of the wind-mill-esque motions across the gym, knows exactly what's going on (it's nice to see a boy not be contemptuous of girls and how they operate, and treat it all with a bit of friendliness), and he tries not to laugh, but you know, she looks ludicrous so he can't help it.

It's MORTIFYING. Sarah Jessica Parker is MORTIFIED that her friend is making such a scene. But what is she to do? Windmill-arm her back, "LEAVE US ALONE. STOP COCK-BLOCKING"?? She cringes!

Larry Simpson, good boy, jokes, "Do you think she wants a soda too?"

Patty doesn't even know what she is saying ... the moment, so precious, is already slipping away. God, don't we all remember what that is like? She says, "She doesn't even drink soda!" and he looks at her with a nice expression, like, Okay, okay, it's okay, Patty ... and he exits the scene, to go get them some sodas, but also to allow the frantic friend to rush over and get the update. He gets it.

You know, it's moments of kindness like that that can make the wilderness of high school not seem so hostile.

Lauren then races over demanding to know if he has kissed her yet. Patty is horrified. "We just GOT here!" But she needs her friend and says, "Okay, quickly - what am I supposed to say to him again?" And Lauren launches into the butterflies in stomach and "we will remember this night for the rest of our lives" monologue. Patty nods, trying to burn it into her brain. Okay, got it. Larry returns, without sodas, and Lauren dashes off to leave them alone. Subtle!

Larry does NOT have sodas when he returns, and by now it's a slow song. They stand there, side by side, not speaking for a while.

It's killer. It killed me as a 14 year old ... that moment BEFORE something really happens. (Please look for the Indian doing his thing in the background. It kills me.)

Then he says, as though the thought just occurred to him, "Hey, you want to dance?"

She gushes, "Sure!"

Best moment of her life.

Of mine as well.

Oh, it's so sweet how he puts his arms out, and she steps into them (all with tomahawk man gyrating in the background - hysterical) and they slow dance for a while. It's achingly awesome.

They dance. They don't speak. She is obviously madly in love with him, and he ... well, here's what I think. He meant what he said earlier in the episode. He loves her mind. He thinks she's a kick. He's a smart guy, and he likes her smarts. He finds her amusing. And maybe, somewhere, he thinks she's cute too. (The way he said "You look nice" tells me that). He's aware that she is crush-ing on him big time, and so instead of being a dick to her about it, he is kind. He basically ignores her awkwardness, letting her get herself together, without punishing her for it ... and is kind and sweet in the face of someone else's insane regard for him. So. Basically what I'm trying to say is he is playing all of that as he dances with her. He's not "just" dancing with her, or staring over her shoulder. He's thinking about something. Best kind of acting. It doesn't matter if you're in a Pepto Bismol commercial or a Woody Allen movie. Think about something when you're acting. Especially on film where it is always the thought that counts.

Hmmm.

All of this is reminding me of something else.

What could it be?

Oh, yeah.

Not quite as palpitatingly hot and tormented, but just as sweet.

Patty, however, cannot just be in the moment. Of course she can't. She's 14. She's out of her MIND. She doesn't know you need to hold onto moments primarily by letting them be. She tries to force her hand. Basically so that she won't have to break the news to Lauren that she didn't say the right words.

She breaks the slow dance (and this is a very nice scene coming up, very nicely written), and says, in an overly dramatic voice, "Larry, we will remember this life for the rest of our nights."

He stops and says, "What?"

Uh-oh. She got her one line wrong.

Instead of correcting herself, or digging herself in deeper, she steps back away from him a little bit and basically pleads (and it's a lovely moment, very cathartic and high school-ish), "Well, don't you have that feeling??"

Good for you, Patty. Speak your truth. YOUR truth, not Lauren's.

Now comes Larry's moment in the sun and I'm sure this is why he was brought back for a later episode. His sweetness here is hard to describe without making it sound ... schmaltzy ... sweet is not the word, anyway. I know I keep saying "kind", but that's the word-clue that keeps coming up for me. I am also remembering who I was when I first saw it, ostracized and pudgy, and feeling such a sense of self-loathing that I would NEVER approach a guy to ask him to dance, or whatever. I was disgusting to myself. It makes me want to cry, looking back on it. Over the next couple of years of high school, there were, indeed, boys who were kind to me in my distress over them. They handled me gently (or as gently as they could, being only 16 themselves), and I will always appreciate that. They all turned me down, I had no success in high school, and finally - my senior year in high school started dating a 22 year old guy - which seemed my only hope! That turned into a major tragedy too, but my milieu was obviously not high school. I just couldn't get a grip on ANYthing.

So Larry here, and how he sees how flustered and upset she is, and instead of backing off from it - decides to speak directly to it - really made an impression on me.

He sees her face, pauses, and then says, "Patty - when you were out front on the steps ... were you waiting for me?"

Horrifying. She exclaims in defense, "No!"

He doesn't say anything (again, a kind moment - he lets her defend herself without scoffing at her or saying, "You were too, Patty, come on"), and she then caves and says, "Yes." She's already near tears.

It's crushing.

Here comes the nicely written scene, which - naturally - I remembered almost word for word. The time is now, he has to be honest with this poor girl, so he starts to say,

"Look, I don't know how to say this, but ..." when she interrupts, she can't help it, saying, "I thought you liked me!"

He says (and I believe every word - that's the gift Ben Marley brought to this nothing little part. You have to believe him - otherwise he's just another high school douchebag and we've all seen them before), "I do like you. It's just that I'm seeing somebody else." Gentle, gentle ... he knows it will hurt her.

Again, if you roll your eyes at this stuff totally then you miss so much. How often in life do I wish I had been let down just a little bit easier. With some understanding on the part of the man that this is going to hurt, and I'm sorry ... It's nice, you know?

She's really in it now, not trying to protect herself or play it cool, and she says, "Who?"

He says (and he does that thing guys do that kills me - his eyes kind of roam over her hair, her face, back to her eyes - it's hot, frankly - and tender), "You don't know her. She's in college." Terrible line for Patty to hear! How can one compete with a girl in college? He's REALLY a man! She can't speak, lowers her head, and he lifts up her chin with his hand. Ouch. Says, "You're not gonna cry, are you?"

I DIED watching this as a teenager. DIED.

She replies, "Yes. I mean no."

He's gentle, he feels bad. He starts to say, "I never meant to make you think that -" and this is when Patty gets herself together, starts to channel Lauren (who obviously loves old movies) and starts to put poor Larry at ease. She stands taller and exclaims, "Larry, you needn't reproach yourself. I understand perfectly. I've had some experience with this sort of thing before, you know."

He doesn't laugh. He says, "Really?" She nods, reassuring him. She is a woman of the world. She can handle this! Again, he doesn't laugh at her. He says (and this is a heart-cracker of a line - totally sincere, but what a knife in the heart): "Because I think you're a terrific kid with a lot of potential."

Kid?? But how nice he is there. And that's not an easy line to pull off and make it sound like, yeah, Larry Simpson says shit like that, and THAT is why he is popular - but Ben Marley pulls it off. He means it. But "kid"? Throw me in the open grave right now.

I love this next line of Patty's, because she channels Now Voyager (hmm, a connecting link to Bette Davis!): "Don't give it another thought. Why ask for the moon when we have the stars?"

Now he feels it's safe to smile. She's being very dramatic, but not obnoxious, and he appreciates her. It's okay to appreciate her. Killer closeup of him staring at her, with a strange mixture of tenderness, humor, and "if you were four years older" regret - and he says, "You certainly have an unusual mind for a kid your age."

She is sad but brave, and says, "I think I'll go join my friend now." and turns to leave when he says (and it's startling), "Patricia ..."

Out of nowhere, he calls her "Patricia". Patricia? What a grown-up name, after he's been calling her a "kid" for five minutes.

Nice writing. Nice touch.

She stops, and he walks over to her and slowly bends down and kisses her on the cheek, lingering there for a bit, and when he pulls back from kissing her, this sort of calm happy light comes over her face - and as he walks off, you can see Lauren dash over to get all the details ("I wish he wore lipstick so we could see the exact place where his lips touched your flesh!") ... but what was nice about the moment was that he made turning her down into a work of art, where he actually left her in a better spot than where she was before. He was tender enough that she would never be humiliated in looking back on it, he was honest with her, and then, out of nowhere, he calls her "Patricia", intimating, "some day, kid, some day ..."

Afterwards, although Patty is crushed, and Lauren is now plotting their next move ... they decide to finally allow poor Marshall and Johnny (who have been trailing around behind them like Prince Philip all night) to dance with them, and the pilot closes with the four square pegs gyrating around to the Waitresses ... they will survive!

The "Square Pegs" pilot: In hot pursuit of popularity and Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley)

Square Pegs opens with a collage-style credit-sequence, with flashing images of various high school scenes (unpopulated, in a kind of bleached-out color scheme): the biology lab, the library, the hallway, the bathroom ... all with the frenzied voiceover of the two girls as accompaniment.

Let's go through it, shall we?

Memory Lane, revisited. First, let us revel in, what is for me at this moment, the most important fact of all.

Mkay?

Crucial to my emotional well-being.

The pilot starts with a pep rally for the freshman class on their first day of school at Weemawee High. A high school kid dressed in full American Indian regalia runs around the auditorium brandishing a tomahawk, wearing a full feather headdress, and doing an Indian war whoop. Today he would be sent to mandatory sensitivity training. But in the world of Square Pegs, he is revered. Such is progress.

Patty and Lauren (Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Linker) sit amongst the crowd, and look around, ogling at the other students and trying to figure out who is the "in" crowd. Actually, that is more Lauren's job, who is more ambitious than Patty. Patty has given her glasses to Lauren, so she can't see anything anyway.

Tracy Nelson and her boyfriend Vinnie make a big entrance, and walk down the aisle of the gym as though it is a red carpet. Member those couples in high school? They were celebrities!

Does she look just like her father or what?

The laugh track on the show is really subtle, barely there. It's kind of refreshing.

Lauren is plotting her way up the social ladder. You know it will be an uphill battle.

We meet Muffy Tepperman who shouts at the gathered students as though she's running an Aryan Youth camp. She is obsequious towards the principal (Mr. Dingleman), so obsequious that you wonder if Jim Lipton had something to do with her portrayal. Mr. Dingleman introduces LaDonna, who will give "her rendition of the Weemawee Alma Mater - in her own style." LaDonna sashays onto the stage, in full Cyndi Lauper slash Jane Fonda's workout tape regalia - all leggings and long sweatshirts, and she performs the alma mater as though she is DEBORAH Gibson. Muffy Tepperman looks on, horrified, as though LaDonna has decided to rap the Gettysburg Address. LaDonna doesn't care what Muffy thinks. She dances around, singing, the class claps, it is an impromptu concert. The Weemawee song involves the words "virgin spring" which I imagine causes much hilarity among the students. As LaDonna sings, the American Indian cliche dances around the gym. Off to sensitivity training for you, bub!

Let the school year begin!

Patty and Lauren make their way into the hellhole that is a high school cafeteria. Where to sit? Lauren, of course, knows they need to sit with the "in" crowd, so they plop themselves down at a table with Jennifer (Tracey Nelson) and LaDonna (Claudette Wells). Jennifer and LaDonna act as though little squirmy bugs have just joined their party. Ew. Jennifer is particularly relentless, honing in on Sarah Jessica Parker's lunch box. "Did your mommy pack that for you ... with, like ... baggies and everything?" So mean.

The good thing about Lauren and Patty, and why they were fun heroines, is that they weren't crushed down by this kind of behavior. They didn't slink away, victimized. Parker saves the day by making a big lofty speech about how they realize they are not wanted, using huge vocabulary words, and the two friends flounce off, somehow becoming the victors of the moment.

BUT.

BUT.

Let me backtrack a moment. Jennifer and LaDonna have a conversation before Patty and Lauren barge over to sit with them.

Jennifer is bemoaning the fact that Vinnie isn't all that deep (which is hilarious because Jennifer is the least deep fictional character ever created). She says to LaDonna (although she calls her "LD"), "You know who I, like, like?" LaDonna who is horrified and kind of judgey (because Jennifer already has a boyfriend) says "Who??" Jennifer glances longingly across the cafeteria and says, with import and meaning, "Larry Simpson."

We see who she is looking at.

Larry Simpson (aka Ben Marley) is being fed ... like a PASHA.

Isn't that how hot nice guys seemed in high school when you stared at them from the faraway vantage point of freshman geekery? They seemed like desirable PASHAS, surrounded by giggling gorgeous acolytes, and there was no way on earth that you could ever get "in there" ... Girls like that acted as a Praetorian guard of sorts! Territorial, protective, loving, vicious.

So anyway. Larry Simpson. In all his cute high school glory.

At this moment, Patty and Lauren race over and sit down with Jennifer and LD, Lauren saying, "Who's Larry Simpson??"

Scene goes along as follows, with brief moments when all the girls drool over said Larry across the room.

But of course Jennifer and LD do not allow Patty and Lauren to infiltrate their clique, and make snotty comments about braces and lunch boxes until the two losers are forced to flee.

They then sit down with these two characters.

Man, doesn't it bring you back? Unlike Jennifer and LD, Marshall and Johnny Slash are NOT horrified at Patty and Lauren. Just the opposite. Marshall sees an opportunity to try out his new comedy routines (his sense of comedy was arrested with Sid Caesar apparently), and also to hang out with the mysterious entity known as GIRLS. Johnny Slash is hidden behind shades and walkman, and when he realizes there are GIRLS at the table, he gets very nervous. Marshall calms him down. Johnny Slash has obviously been kept back many times, he appears to be about 25 years old ... and he is "New Wave" ... his whole life is "New Wave". He is a rigid fascist about music, style, and labels. Patty innocently asks him if he is "punk" and he gets all offended.

Lauren, of course, is kind of a snob, and realizes immediately that these two guys are on the same echelon ... and barely gives them the time of day. They need to move UP, not SIDEWAYS.

Marshall is so insistent with his ba-dum-ching comedy routines that Johnny Slash eventually picks him up and walks him away.

What ridiculous rapscallions. I love them both.

Patty and Lauren are now in a dilemma. They begin to flush Patty's food down the toilet at school so that she need not go through the humiliation of lunch boxes any more (but also not piss off her mother who packs the lunch with "like, baggies and everything ...") I think flushing it down the toilet is rather high maintenance and believe that just stuffing the sandwich and yogurt and whatever else into a trash can would also do the trick, but no ... flushing is what needs to happen.

The two girls huddle in the bathroom during lunch time, and they run into Jennifer and LD who say kind welcoming things to them like, "Gross me out the door ..."

Muffy Tipperman also barges in at one point, in monogrammed preppy garb, and basically ropes them into the decorating committee for the upcoming freshman dance - "because you don't have anything better to do ..." she states.

Lauren, however, has other plans. She has set her sights on Larry Simpson. If they can somehow get in with him, they will be golden. Patty is doubtful. How will they ever get close to Larry Simpson who is, first of all, Ben freakin' Marley, is, second of all, a senior, and lastly, a PASHA? Impossible!

But lo and behold, a miracle occurs.

Patty has been skipping lunch all week, due to the lunch box dilemma, and she walks up the stairwell, and suddenly gets weak in the knees, and has to sit down.

And who sits down next to her, joking, "Do you come here often?" but the pasha himself, Larry Simpson.

The worst part (and by "worst" I mean "best") of this portrayal is that not only is he cute and desired by everyone, but also a nice guy. (Calling Keith M., phone call for Keith M.!) Killer combo. He saw the freshman Patty collapse on the stairs and he sits down, and is nice to her. He wonders if he should go for the school nurse. She tries to reassure him she's okay. He jokes with her, and he's so sexy (in that kind carefree high school boy way that is so effective you basically want to commit hari-kiri immediately) and also nice that it takes her a second to realize what is happening. That Larry Simpson is talking and joking with her. She doesn't freak out immediately. She starts to talk about her lunch, and how she felt light-headed and just had to sit down. He's trying to lighten her up, joke with her, being charming. Says, "What do you think Marcus Welby would do in a situation like this?"

Talk about looking like your father.

At some point, Patty realizes what is happening, and interrupts her monologue about fainting on the stairwell, with saying, "You're Larry Simpson!" You know, guys like that were like stars in high school. I loved Tina Fey's observation about that in the DVD extras for Mean Girls, how there were certain people in high school who were like celebrities - and the student body knew everything about them ... what they wore, their relationship ups and downs, their fights, their dramas ... the consciousness of the class revolved around these lucky few. So Patty breathes, "You're Larry Simpson!" in the same tone that one would say, oh, "You're Ben Marley!" (for example).

Instead of being cocky about her awestruck face, he is kind. (I mentioned in this post on Skyward the similarity between what he was doing in Skyward with what he did in Square Pegs - minus the cowboy hat and sexy ADD jangling-leg swagger). He played nice guys. Popular, sure, guys who look like that usually end up popular ... but nice, too. So he's kind to Patty. Look out, though, when you are kind to geek wallflowers. It might come back and bite you in the ass.

Ah, teenage adoration. When you are young enough to think that the one you love is perfect, and THAT is why you love him.

Then comes the most exciting moment of all, seen from the perspective of a 14-year-old square peg. Larry Simpson says to her, "You hungry? Want to get something to eat?"

So he takes her out to lunch at the local joint, where pretty much only cool kids get to go (similar to the damn Peach Pit in Beverly Hills 90210) ... it's like getting a glimpse of Xanadu's mythical "pleasure dome" for Patty ... and to show that, the booth they are sitting in starts to whirl around, with romantic music, and he's feeding her, and they're laughing, and time not only stands still, but stretches out, elongates, is made golden, and creamy, and delicious ... In truth, they probably just had some fries and talked about school, but as anyone who was in love in 14 knows, it FEELS like the booth is spinning around in a golden drenched light!

Poor Patty! She's headed for a fall!

I don't know, I'm a grown woman now, and I still find him handsome and adorable. That's not the case with all of my crushes from my youth, where I look back on it and think, What the eff did I see in that guy?

Flies preserved in amber, these Square Pegs episodes. I remembered all of it. Not to mention Ben Marley's huge charm, which was just perfect for me as a young lonely teenager. I could look at him and say, "THAT'S what I want." Ridiculous, I realize, but fantasies like that help get you through rough spots. (Not just when you're 14, I might add.)

SO. OH MY GOD LARRY SIMPSON TOOK HER OUT TO LUNCH.

Yes, she has launched herself into a fantasy-world where there is no escape, except through heartache, but that's part of life too.

During gym class Lauren tries to get all caught up on this miraculous experience as they run around the track. As I mentioned, this is (for me) the main strength of the show: the friendship between the two girls. Lauren could have been jealous that it was PATTY and not HER who was "chosen" by Larry Simpson, but instead she is more excited than even Patty is, and literally collapses into a writhing heap onto the track, moaning, "This is so romantic!" Now that's a friendship moment I recognized from my own life.

Second half coming up ....

"Square Pegs": a personal reminiscence coming from a "totally different head"

Hard to believe that Square Pegs only ran for one season. It's one of those glitches in the programming instinct of the powers-that-be that happens from time to time (I am thinking now of one of the heirs of Square Pegs - My So-Called Life), and you look back on it, thinking, 'That show should have run at least for a couple of seasons." Square Pegs was a hit (well, as I remember it it was, I don't know what the ratings were - WE all were watching it down on the ground) and in the 20-odd years since then, people's affection for it has only grown. People still remember the names of the characters by heart. How often does that happen? Muffy Tepperman. Johnny Slash. You have to be a certain age, obviously, to get the references - but to think that a show that was on for only one season would hit, and on such a deep level, is rather extraordinary. It also had a "cool" factor going on, with guest spots by Devo, The Waitresses, Bill Murray.

Speaking on a personal level, that show hit at just the time when I was moving into the whirlwind of adolescence. What it showed was what I was experiencing. It was similar to the bomb going off in my group of friends when Breakfast Club came out. These things now can be seen as almost relics, almost cute, or coy - because they were so of their time and place, kind of like watching Beach Blanket Bingo or something. "Oh, look how funny they wore their hair back then! Listen to the music!" But on the ground, in the moment, we weren't "ironic" or into it because it made fun of us and where we were at and the music we listened to. It validated us.

Now there is all kinds of art, and I'm not putting Square Pegs on a level with, oh, Andrei Rublev ... but neither should it be. All art does not have the same goals. Rebel Without a Cause or Catcher in the Rye may seem silly when you have passed the stage in life when you need to hear what they have to say. That's fine. But teenagers, in all their messiness and awfulness, are - like all of us still, as adults - looking for a mirror. A mirror that was not given to them by their parents, but one that is out in the world. I had, up until that point, found my mirror in books. Harriet the Spy, Ballet Shoes, Wrinkle in Time, Huckleberry Finn. I was not a pop-culture kid. How could I be? To quote Mark, we "only had three channels". I had parents who loved folk music and The Beatles so that's what I listened to (and still do, although I mix it up with my own taste too). Top 40 didn't make a dent in my consciousness. I wanted to live in the world of Oliver Twist. I was 12, but I was still a little girl. When I started growing breasts in the 6th grade, I doggedly slept on my stomach to try to push them back in again. I wasn't ready. I loved baseball, I was on a Little League team (before they had girls teams), I loved living in my imagination, and making up dances after school with my friends. I was dragged kicking and screaming into adolescence.

But then, along came a mirror called Square Pegs. And it managed to act as a mirror without being ponderous or preachy or too melancholic. It's kind of a hoot, actually. This show was funny. But that deeper level was there, and that's why it is so remembered.

Those two lead girls, Patty (in glasses, played by a geeky Sarah Jessica Parker) and Lauren (the pudgy girl with braces, more effervescent and embarrassing, played by Amy Linker) were like me. I didn't care about being popular, I wasn't a social climber like Lauren - but I certainly didn't fit in, and I had glasses, braces, my clothes were wrong, and I looked around at other girls and they just seemed so put together, and what ... did I miss a memo? Patty and Lauren had missed the memo, too. And better than all of this: they made it FUNNY. The show made the trials and tribulations of geeks FUNNY. It was a precursor to Freaks and Geeks, to all of the wonderful shows about the weirdo yet charming outcasts of the world that now dominate the airwaves. So I kind of could embrace my weirdness. Not totally, because yuk, I wasn't into being weird, and un-dateable. But it, like so many other key things that came along at key times (uhm, Skyward), said to me in no uncertain terms: "Hang on. You're kind of fabulous. You're just a weirdo right now. Don't try to change. Your time will come."

I'M STILL WAITING, BY THE WAY.

So the message was a big fat LIE from where I'm sitting now, but I am trying to imagine myself back into my 14-year-old self who thought it was appropriate to dress up like this on dress-up days at school, mkay? To quote my friend Beth, "And then we wondered why we didn't have boyfriends."

The other great thing about Square Pegs which was a mirror for me was the importance of having a good core group of friends. Now, I already had that. I have always been blessed that way. My friends from high school are still my dear friends, everyday friends, they comment on my blog, we Facebook like crazy, we are still in each other's lives in an intimate way, even though we live in different spots now. One of the strengths of Square Pegs was that it wasn't just ONE geeky girl trying to become popular. It was a constant strategizing session between TWO girls, who were obviously best friends. Their friendship was one I recognized from my own life (and that rarely happens with female friendship on television - which often is depicted in a catty competitive or shallow way - none of which was going on with my group of friends - we were a huge bottomless pit of support and shrieking encouragement.) It had a good heart, Square Pegs. Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Linker, as Patty and Lauren, created a believable friendship. You believed those girls had been having slumber parties since they were eight. You believed they had known each other forever. Girls can be very intense with each other, and the show got that, and didn't condescend to it. Watching it now can be kind of embarrassing, because you remember all the melodramas you involved yourself in in high school and you want to erase it from the public record (unless you're like me, and you put your high school journals on the internet) ... but thank God you had fr