Here’s the set-up of the scene. It is 8 a.m. It is freezing here. Bitter, windy, the Empire State Building looking stark and bleak against the white winter sky. I wait for the bus, huddled up in my huge coat, and my massive scarf (called by a guy in Ireland “Sheila’s anaconda”. As we went to change venues, he said, “You’re bringin’ your anaconda, aren’t ya?”) … and I am cold.
The bus arrives. It is already SRO on the bus, which is a bummer, but it’s not a long ride into Manhattan, so I get on the bus, and stand in the back. Sadly, there is a ton of traffic going into the Lincoln Tunnel, and we are in stop-and-go traffic for about 20 minutes. I don’t have a book with me (Sheila … WHAT? YOU don’t have a book with you???) – and I get instantly bored.
My mind needs constant action. I can’t just stand in line. I have to stand in line while reading. Etc.
Standing beside me in the crowded back of the bus is … well … Yoko Ono. Or her spitting image anyway, down to the fabulous spiky haircut, and the massive black sunglasses. She looks like a raging lunatic. But damn, she’s put together well.
Yoko Ono DOES have a book. She takes it out of her duffel bag, and I glance at the title. (I’m an enormous snoop about what people read. I am always scanning the subway, looking at people’s books, and judging them for what they read. “Wow, what a stupid book. I bet that woman is a nightmare.” “Wow – someone else is reading Crime and Punishment right now – cool!” “Oh my God, I completely forgot about how much I loved that book … Need to pull it out again.”)
So Yoko Ono pulls out what is obviously, from the cover, your typical bodice-ripping medieval-based soft-core-porn book. A woman with streaming red hair and breasts spilling out of her ripped medieval bodice – being clutched to the manly chest of a man who looks like a rugby player gone to seed … No, just kidding. The man was your basic Renaissance Fair geek, with the fucking pirate shirt, the long locks, the intense face … Guys in those books are such jag-offs.
I stand beside Yoko, just laughing to myself. You never ever can tell about people. NEVER. Reminds me of my favorite line in Philadelphia Story: “The time to make up your mind about people, Mike, is never.” Indeed. I never would have had Yoko Ono pegged for bodice-ripping erotica, and I say: go her.
We were right next to each other. It is now 8:15 am. We approach the Lincoln Tunnel. I’ve had a cup of coffee, yes, but … you know, it’s early. Okay? I’m waking up.
I cannot help myself. I glance at the page Yoko is reading.
I see two things:
I see the words “Lady Eleanor”.
I see the words “her two orifices”.
I turn away from the happily engrossed Yoko, I think unwillingly about Lady Eleanor and her “two orifices” and I think: Jesus, it’s way too early for this shit.
He he he he he!
Wouldn’t it have been awesome if it HAD been the real Yoko?
“All we are saying. . . is give bodice-ripping a chance.”
heh heh heh heh
What the hell, Yoko – why are you on a bus, standing in the back?? Aren’t you like, rich, and stuff??
Heh heh.. WAY too early for that shit..
But at least Yoko HAD a book!
OK.. maybe only in the loosest possible definition of the word.. but still..
Maybe it was the first one she grabbed on the way out? Gets on the bus and opens it up.. Oh shit.. not AGAIN! I hope no-one notices..
She seemed blatantly unapologetic about the bodice-ripper.
I have a couple of bodice-rippers on my shelves, I admit it, but I would hesitate before reading them in public. Aren’t those books meant to be read in private? At least for me they are. For obvious reasons.
I hate the word orifice. It reminds me of … I don’t know … ikky sea anemones or something.
I certainly couldn’t imagine even Mr Heaney weaving any magic with such a word..
and on a not unrelated tangent, but still a tangent nonetheless, Tom Wolfe Wins ‘Bad Sex’ Prize
Which is a headline that is ‘ikky’ on so many levels..
I saw that!! I haven’t read the book, but … a part of me thinks he was writing the sex scenes badly on purpose – to make a point about the sex life of college students.
Still, though, I have to read the book before I comment.
I LOVE that “bad sex writing” award – some of the nominations are laugh-out-loud funny.
I’ve skipped his last two, I think.. and you may be right about the writing being deliberately bad.. but “otorhinolaryngological caverns”? Even ‘orifice’ would be easier to read..
And the awards seem great fun.. even better when the author concerned has the good sense to turn up and accept it in person.
I’m always reading semi-scholarly books with provocative titles on the subway. Things like, oh, Sadomasochism in Everyday Life. Or, The Male Body. I was just reading a history of syphilis the other day.
No one ever looks twice at my books in New York. But I’ve had about ten guys try to pick me up in London, based on my reading material.
Actually, it was funny – the one time a guy in New York commented on one of my books, it was a totally innocuous title. Jane Smiley’s Horse Heaven, to be exact.
hahahaha
“Sadomasochism in Everyday Life”. heh heh
I’ll keep my eye open for you on the subway, Anne. I think I need to borrow that book.
“a part of me thinks he was writing the sex scenes badly on purpose – to make a point about the sex life of college students.”
I came across an interview from well before this award was given where Mr. Wolfe made exactly this point. (Sorry, no link- I forget where I read it.) He is also apparently the first recipient of this award to decline to receive it in person.
I saw that story about the bad sex awards yesterday. There was some hilarious stuff in the excerpts from the runners up. The vulva description from some guy named Andre Brink was so far over the top – it just needs William Shatner to read it aloud to be perfect…
Nostrils?
Speaking of Coffee, I just snorted half of mine out my nose.
How about “Lady Eleanor’s two anemones?” Suppose there ought to be a “throbbing” or summat in there….
Nahh, that’s just plain silly.
BTW, what do you have against pirate shirts?
heh heh heh heh
Glad to be of service, Mr. Lion. :)
Ken –
Are you actually being serious with the pirate shirt question? Before I go off on a rant about men who wear them … I need to know.
Aren’t pirate shirts like thong bikinis… you just have the right body to pull it off (wearing them that is)
Sheesh, that should be: “you just have to have the right body”
No. You cannot compare the two. Pardon my bluntness. But this is VERY. IMPORTANT.
Please, though, factor in my extreme bias. I feel about men in pirate shirts pretty much the way I feel about mimes and the way my friend Mitchell feels about people who dig Renaissance Fairs. It makes me want to do something violent, like toss mud at their little pirate shirt, and cackle evilly in their face.
If I was on a blind date with someone and he showed up in a pirate shirt, I would get up and walk out.
Deal breaker.
To any guys out there reading this who now feels ashamed about his collection of pirate shirts in the closet:
Just be thankful that there are probably many women out there who LOVE men in pirate shirts, and so you will never be lonely.
Tis a matter of personal taste. Rugby players gone to seed wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those feckin’ things.
But what if it’s a Captain Jack Sparrow pirate shirt? Just askin’.
In re: pirate shirts
Cut off their ruffs.
Dude, I don’t even know what that is. A pirate shirt’s a pirate shirt to me, I don’t care about the label.
or is that, like, a fictional character or something?
Johnny Depp’s character in Pirates of the Caribbean. 8)
She must have seen the pirate shirt episode of “Seinfeld” and that put her off of pirate shirts for good.
I know that is what happened with me and Pro-wrestling. heh
I’m now lost in a daydream about Adam Ant’s pirate phase…
red, you and yoko remind me of one time when i flew back into newark. i got on the bus to go off to some satellite parking lot and noticed a youngish fellow sitting in the seat in front of me reading one of those raised-tinfoil books. so of cousre i started reading over his shoulder…unfortunately for someone of my particular demographic it was nasty bondage gay porn! heh. cured me of the voyeur habit for at least a week, it did.
this adam “give me your lupins” ant?
My hatred of pirate shirts pre-dates Seinfeld. But when I saw that episode, I felt SO VALIDATED. In an angry way. Somebody else hates those things as much as I do!!
Oh, and of course with the Pirates of the Caribbean. DUH.
Adam Ant was steamy hot. We loved him in high school. Steamy hot. Pirate shirt and all.
Sheila
IIRC Mr Ant’s last known public appearance – waving a gun around in a London pub.
Oh I know, I know he is a complete loony-tunes now. But still. The steamy hotness (in that “I wear eyeliner and I’m hot” 80s kind of way) could not be denied.
heh heh heh Adam Ant?? What?
I’m just realizing right now how much I loved that guy.
Goody Two Shoes. I still remember the video. And may I say – what absolutely dysfunctional lyrics, but … a song that uses the words “subtle innuendo” … Hm. Kind of interesting. But the message? You don’t drink. You don’t smoke. What DO you do?
Kind of like Sandy’s transformation at the end of Grease.
I think I need to take a walk.
The puffy shirt is now in the Smithsonian, didja know that?
“But I don’t wanna be a pirate!” Hehehehehehe.
Oh you mean that “I wear eyeliner and I’m hot” AND I can lip-synch…
Hmmm.. it all sounds so terribly familiar.. Where’s that E News!?
Even though in high school, I did not drink, I did not smoke, and I did not have sex – i KNEW that I wasn’t a goody two-shoes. Not really. I was a wild woman inside! Drinking/smoking/sex are just the obvious outward signs of being a bad girl – you could still do NONE of those things and be a bad girl. At least that was how I justified it, and I just knew that Adam Ant would have wanted to hang out with me.
I am going to regret sharing that.
But I will not apologize beforehand.
Mr Ant would have been proud of you, Sheila ;)
He did turn up in the most unlikely places later on.. do you remember his brief appearance in Northern Exposure?
Playing a rock star out in the wilderness, something like that.. might have been seeking some quiet time before going on that next tour… whatever.. NOT AT ALL being stereotyped – that’s the point. If there was one.
peteb:
YES! I totally remember that. It was weirdly thrilling to see him again. (I loved that show.) But there he was … still gorgeous … still slightly decrepit … I felt like I was seeing an old (vaguely insane) friend.
It was a very bizarre appearance.. both from a “It’s Adam Ant!! In Northern Exposure!?!” and a “What has he been doing until now?” point of view.
And how’s that for a Sheila’s Blog degree of separation –
Lady Eleanor’s orifices to Adam Ant appearing in Northern Exposure?
it all makes sense to me, pete
That comes as no surprise at all, Mr Bingley, no surprise at all.
BTW How’s the catching-up-with-the-rest-of-the-universe reading going? ;)
oh fine, just fine *coughcough* bastard! *coughcough*
heh heh heh
That well, eh?
Does Halloween wear get a pass at all, or is the pirate/Elizabethan/Frederick the Great thing right out? ;-)
Ken – are you asking me if I will approve of your next year’s Halloween costume? Or this year’s?
Because … woah. I think that’s just a little bit too much power.
Sheila, in a booming voice:
“YES, KEN HALL. I SAY THAT YOU MAY BE FREDERICK THE GREAT AND I WILL STILL THINK YOU ARE COOL. YES, MY GOOD MAN. I APPROVE.”
Pirate shirts? I do believe the thong discussion topic holds considerably more interest.
Well, for me at least. ;)
Yes. Sadly, we left the thong discussion behind long ago.
I have a lot to say about thongs. Love the underwear, and I won’t wear anything else actually.
But a thong bikini? In public? What? I would look like a total moron. I fear people would whisper, “Jeez, look at that freckled chick in the thong. I can practically see her two orifices.”
The thong undies rock, though.
Won’t wear anything else.
For pity’s sake, it’s a rhetorical question…I haven’t the least idea what I’m wearing next Halloween.
Frederick the Great…that might be an idea, though. No one around here will get it, for one thing. Let’s see…need to find a replica Order of the Black Eagle, and a costumer who won’t mind that I spill snuff all over my 18th Century Prussian infantry uniform to make it more authentically Frederickian….
I think my costume next year is going to be a ghost. Made of Cool Whip.
I can categorically state that I’ve never felt the slightest urge to wear – under any circumstances – a pirate shirt. If anyone ever sees me in one, just go ahead and sign me into the home…
Heh!
Two words about that:
New goddam York.
Sheila, does it concern you at all that your entry about “two orifices” has 52 comments???
I don’t think Adam Ant is really so far away from Lady Eleanor. He did refer to himself as “the dandy highwayman” in at least one song.
I was glad to come back and see the Adam discussion had gone on without me.
Excellent riposte, red. ;-)
red,
You just tripped on of the magic phrases. So…
In what movie were the lead characters refered to as “Goody Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast” and (b) what actors played those parts?
Just to fuel the Adam Ant fire….
copy and paste!
http://boycrazyusa.com/adamantapple.jpg
http://www.sickamongthepure.com/files/2004/03/1981/0304_article-pic_1981.gif
http://www.stars-on-7-inch.com/index_a/ant_adam/goody_two_shoes.jpg
http://www.coffeerooms.com/features/eighties/images/music/ant_stripe.jpg
http://www.adam-ant.net/history/image15.htm
this is my favorite
http://adam-ant.net/pictures/jan2004.jpg
sigh