Willie McBride’s meet-up

David and I got together last night, meeting up at Willie McBride’s, for some convo, some catch-up, some alcohol. The drifts are now about as tall as I am, due to the snowplows, so parking in Hoboken is this HYSTERICAL challenge. But it all worked out.

I got there first, and when David came in – he walked over to me to hug me. We’re both going through a lot. So we hugged, holding onto each other for a while. And in our deep tenderness, our deep old friendship, we knocked my beer off the table, and the glass shattered into a million pieces. It was ridiculous. David had been there literally 2 seconds, and we were having a quiet hello hug, and all HELL broke loose.

We were joking with the poor bartender, who had to sweep up the pieces. “We weren’t even DOING anything – we were just HUGGING!” “It was just LOVE! That’s all! Just LOVE!” She was laughing, and said, “Lemme tell ya, I would rather see LOVE break a beer glass, than the shenanigans of some drunken asshole bozo.”

Yes. Very good point.

Willie McBride’s is dark, there was a fire blazing, almost no one was there, ESPN Ocho was on, and David and I haven’t seen each other in a long time. (In our world, 4 weeks is a long time. We’re always having epiphanies and life-changing events and all that jazz … we need to get caught up.)

And so we did just that.

We talked a lot about what’s up with me right now. In my life, with my work, what I want. There’s a ton. I won’t share any of it here, but it’s deep, and I’m struggling, and I’m also doing really WELL. It’s everything. All at once.

We talked about AFTRA. SAG. Soap operas. Many great stories. Fascinating. Life-changing epiphanies every other second, basically.

We talked about the Patriots.

We talked about his beautiful daughters. Love those girls … they’re growing up so fast.

We talked about Scott Peck’s book People of the Lie … something David is really passionate about, something I’ve just picked up myself. Incredible stuff. Chilling. Lots and lots to discuss there. Scott Peck’s psychology of evil. It’s incredible stuff, and David and I talked about it like mad.

We talked about our dreams.

I’m all emotional right now. Having kind of a hard time, and yet it’s also a really GOOD time. Hard to explain. It’s intense. The intensity is unrelenting. I feel so AWAKE. (And yet – I’ve also been sleeping like a baby.) Sometimes I wish for less consciousness, less … awareness. You know. I wish I was a little bit denser or something. But … in order to achieve that … I would need to have an entire personality change. (And so would David, by the way. We both talked about this.) And so … the intensity, while exhausting, while upsetting sometimes, is actually (I know in my heart) my gift. Not just A gift, but really the only gift I have to share with the world. That’s IT. If I don’t share that … then I got NOTHIN’.

Stella Adler, acting teacher, said once, “It is not that important to know who you are. It is important to know what you DO and then do it like Hercules.”

That’s kind of what I’m going through here.

Know what it is that you DO and then do it like Hercules.

I can’t create some persona … where stuff doesn’t matter to me. Where I can’t be hurt. You know, like: hey man, I’m cool, yeah man, whatever … nah … that didn’t hurt me … no worries … whatever … yeah, man … cool …

Uhm. No more. That kind of attitude was NEVER me anyway, but I cultivated this persona-thing around my work, etc., so I would be protected.

This is a survival technique. I won’t completely discount it. That hard-cool persona saved my freakin’ BUTT for a couple years there. But it no longer serves me now.

Whatever I experience, whatever intensity I have (kind of a dumb word … can’t think of a better one) MUST go into my work. That IS my work.

I can’t try to calm it down, smooth it out, justify it, psychologize it, or be embarrassed about it (like: ooh, if I’m THAT intense, people will get uncomfortable) – because all of that? I will have nothing left. Fuck it. Without all of that SHITE, there is no art at all. At least for me. None. That’s just the way it goes.

David and I talked about all of this a lot. We’re kindred spirits in a way.

I’ve got a lot of pots bubbling on the stove right now. It’s very very cool, actually. But it certainly helps to talk about all the OTHER stuff, with a friend who won’t judge me, or try to fix it, or be all “helpful” with advice. If I don’t talk about all this stuff, then that “hey man, yeah, it’s cool, whatever happens happens” persona will come up again … and I DON’T WANT HER ANYMORE.

SHE IS NO LONGER WELCOME.

Buh-bye chickie. You were a great help to me a while back … you really were. I needed you then. But I don’t need you anymore.

Take a hike.