My main response to that announcement is one of stunned silence. (And you have to read the article in order to understand what I’m about to discuss.)
The next thing that comes into my mind, after the stunned silence has passed, is: “Uhm … world-class, Paula? Really? You were a world-class choreographer?? Ya ever heard of Balanchine? Mark Morris? No? You were obviously successful, hon, I’ll give you that … but world-class?” Also: I wince when I hear someone describe THEMSELVES as ‘world-class’.
Only people who AREN’T world-class at a craft would ever describe their OWN ART as “world-class”. If you know what I mean.
It’s kind of like one of the rules of online dating (a rule I stumbled over myself, after some disastrous experiments): If some guy describes himself in his profile as “laidback”, “mellow”, or “easygoing”, you can bet that the dude has a corn cob up his ass. The same is probably true on the female side. Like, any chick who goes out of her way to describe herself as “mellow” is most assuredly a raging Type-A nightmare. It happened to me TIME AND TIME AGAIN. Some “laidback” guy would show up on the date, and I would find him to be uptight, controlling, and no fun at all. Invariably, he would be rude to the waitstaff (I think I’ve described my pet peeve about that in some detail), and reveal himself as a bonehead. So I learned quickly. I would scan the profile beforehand. “Hm. Laidback? Oh, he’s probably a dick. Next.”
Don’t get me wrong. I love “laidback”. I love other things, too, but I like someone who is relaxing to be around. The problem is with those people who describe THEMSELVES that way … Maybe it’s a problem of self-perception. They truly BELIEVE themselves to be “mellow” … and yet … huh? I’m a pretty good judge of character … and these people were not “mellow”. Their senses of their personalities, and how they came across, was … off. Shall we say.
What I’m really trying to get at here is – there has NEVER been a time when Paula Abdul would be ranked among “world-class choreographers”. Her name wouldn’t even be on the list. Again: successful? YES. Hip with the latest dance moves? PERHAPS. But come on. World-class?
Anyone who point-blank says, “I am a world-class sculptor” is probably an idiot. And a bad sculptor.
My sisters and I watched some starry-eyed retrospective about the gleaming career of Paula Abdul (ehm … a Laker girl? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Laker girl, but the sepia-toned quality of the special made it seem like being a Laker girl was on the same level of accomplishment as being Bobby Fischer or something). And the special took a completely uncritical view of Abdul. It was very fawning, which confused all of us. I mean, not that she’s heinous or anything, but the special made it seem like she literally had changed the face of pop music, it made it seem like after Paula Abdul appeared on the scene, nothing ever was the same again. But … huh? Paula Abdul? What? And she said something like, “My choreography is what I am best at. I am truly a great choreographer.” And then they cut to some BOGUS shot of the Laker girls dancing, doing choreography that looked like it came out of the first 5 minutes of “Zoom” or something. Like … they were all in a line, and one by one each of them jumped up and down That was it. My sisters and I were howling. Like … couldn’t they find some better choreography than THAT in order to prove how amazing Paula Abdul is as an artiste?
So the lesson is: even if you THINK you’re “world-class” … don’t feckin’ SAY it. Cause … I don’t know. Basically, cause it’s ikky, that’s why. And … if you’re Paula Abdul, you should NEVER say it.
only the 4th season? many many more to go..
“I miss my art” should always set off alarm bells – Really? How much do you miss it? And the kicker.. “Paula without dance would be a really dark world”.. let’s try that and see, shall we?
Laker Girls, no “s”, who have always made me wonder, since they get paid about fifteen cents per game (HOME games only) and have a practice schedule that is pretty much like a full time job. How the @#$% do these chicks make a living?
I got a HUGE chuckle out of the corn cob thing.
Yeah, that first few minutes of Zoom was really the breathtaking part.
Oops. Laker. I will go change it. Thanks, Miss Jones.
It was just so riDICulous … the shot they chose to use to demonstrate Abdul’s gift as a choreographer. It was … retarded, frankly.
“Paula without dance would be a really dark world”
wow.
And you know those kinds of people? The ones who … have no self-knowledge … and make proclamations (mistaken ones) about who they are?? It’s such a strange thing to encounter. I generally don’t have friends who go around making mistaken proclamations about their own personalities.
mere:
hahahahahahaha
“I’ve always been able to help mold (other people) into their greatness.”
So, she’s saying, not only is she a world-class artiste, she inspires and instructs others in greatness. Jesus. Here’s a bunk bed lady. Get over yourself.
What an absolutely fawning piece of dreck article that was. I bet her publicist blew the writer or something.
I actually have been thinking lately that I need a little help to be molded into my own greatness. So … you’re saying I shouldn’t call Paula, emily?
Additionally, Paula’s website tells us “During Paulas guest host appearance on Good Day Live she previewed her new ‘Skirtz’ clothing line… available at Wal Mart”.. and you should read the blurb on the ‘inspiration’ for her Innergy “pendants and bracelets” collection.. it’s so moving.. *sniff*
I will mold you into your greatness, Sheila. Seeing as how I’m a world-class unsuccessful screenwriter, translator, and beer drinker. Paula’s only a world class choreographer, for gosh sake. What a loser.
Maybe she meant to say “world’s-ass”?
hahahahahahaha! Yes, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, red.
I’ve had to deal with so. very. many. people who have these crazy inflated ideas of their own importance or own abilities. And I’m sitting there, thinking “dude, just step outside yourself for a minute, and LOOK at yourself. You’re not all that and a bag of chips, trust me.”
Actually, I have to say I’ve had to deal with it more in the professional realm than in the personal realm, which I guess makes it more tolerable.
I’m an academic ecologist, and I’ve found that the really big names in the field, the people who have made really terrific big contributions to the science, are modest and kind and funny and encouraging to newbies – and really, I mean modest. They don’t need to toot their own horn because they have that security. But the people who are basically stagnating and doing crap work, they’re the ones pushing themselves forward, the ones with an answer to every question or a question for every answer at the scientific meetings (my friends in grad school and I had some very choice descriptive names for people like that). They’re often the rudest and most discouraging (in the sense of “oh, that’s all been done before. Don’t waste your time. Now, if you look at what *I*’ve done….”) people.
I think of all the difficult people I’ve dealt with in my life, the self-important assholes are the worst ones.
You know, I think in a lot of cases it does come down to a security issue – people who are secure in who they are don’t feel the need to self-promote, and insecure people often do – like, if they don’t toot their own horn, who will? (and they have no concept of if that horn is worth tooting)
As for me, I have to admit I’d be a little afraid of saying anything too positive about my personality or my abilities, ‘cos I don’t want people to mentally roll their eyes at me when I say it. I’d rather keep my mouth shut and let people find out what I’m like from my actions.
You’re too hard on yourself Emily, you *are* a great beer drinker. Maybe not world class, but great.
Is there a Bill McCabe Beer Blog?!
A few years ago, it was hard to find a corporate press release that didn’t include the words “world class”…I’ve even seen “industry-leading world-class state-of-the art”…happily, at least the “world class” part seems to be dying out.
This is a great post. And I’m a world-class post assessor.
Hi Sheila,
Thanks for posting the AP’s Paula Abdul article. There was so much hot air in the thing, it cleared out my sinuses.
There’s a time and place for writing these very positive type of music articles — if a writer’s at a show where the band plays really well and the fans are going amazingly wild, for instance. Yet this story is about Paula Abdul … talking about Paula Abdul. There is no cause or justification for a writer to lay it on that thick.
Then again, the story was written by an entertainment writer. I suspect most journalists would rather eat glass than cover entertainment, but maybe that’s just me. Anyway, I have to agree with everyone else here who doesn’t approve of people touting their own talents, skills, etc. After all, if one’s work is good enough, that should speak for itself — and being a world-class bullshitter doesn’t count for much in most people’s books!
Also: Dave — I’d love to hear “best-of-breed,” and “cutting-edge” are also dying out (e.g. “Zombie Bond LLC is an industry-leading solution provider which provides cutting-edge best-of-breed solutions”). Why can’t these companies just say they make printer cartridges or what not? (Sorry, off-topic, I know).
“How the @#$% do these chicks make a living?”
Is this the inappropriate moment to mention that LA County probably has more strip clubs per acre than anywhere else in the country? Call me crazy, but I think that may have something to do with your answer.
I would like now, to tell my Paula Abdul Story.
Ready?
I was doing “Romy and Michelle-A New Beginning”, a movie for ABC which no one in the world has ever seen….nor ever should see. Anyway, the jist of it was, that Romy and Michelle are now actually IN High School, and this was a prequel to the big fat blockbuster starring Mira (who?) Sorvino, and Lisa (genius) Kudrow.
At the end of the movie, the chick I play (who had a sex change, and is best friends with both Romy and Michelle) decides to have a “coming OFF” party….are ya gettin’ it???? And the girls big Dream is to dance with the infamous Paula Abdul. Tha movie is set in the 80’s when she actually had a career.
So…the day Ms. Abdul was to shoot her scene (with me) she arrived over 45 minutes late. She let over 200 extras stand around while she waddled her fat ass into her trailor and attempted to pile on even more brown base to hide those pesky acne scars.
We waited.
She arrived on set, after all of us had been there since about 6am. It’s now alomst 8:30pm. I’m hungry, I’m restless, and I haven’t smoked. No one smokes in LA unless your Bad. Either that, or Kim Catrall.
Our scene included Paula walking up to me, saying a few lines, and then passing me by. I had a drink in my hand (after all, it was MY Coming Off Party) and as the cameras rolled, she passed by me, and knocked my drink onto my white chiffon disco dress. She did it deliberately. The director yelled cut, walked up to me and said:
“Alex, Paula’s pretty upset about this scene, I don’t think it’s going to work. Can you move out of the way?”
“…but…isn’t this my Coming Off Party? Aren’t I the Big Deal???…Forget it, ” says I, “I’ll move.”
It was Disney. What was I going to do?
I walked out of her way, and as we rolled again, she passed by me, and again, knocked the drink on me. Then…in my good ear, she whispers:
“You really need to learn REAL showbusiness, Darling.” and smiled that icky, way-too-white toothy smile she has.
We cut the scene.
The next time I saw her, it was now 1am, and we were to have a big dance number together. Just laughing, and singing, and bouncin around. Well, Ms. Abdul decided she didn’t like being on the end, out of mid camera range. I was center, and that really got her hair piece in a twist. She walked up to me between takes, extended her finger inches from my nose, shook it vigerously at me, and said:
“Stay….Out….Of….My….Way!”
I took a deep breath, and in front of 200 people, the director, and a couple of 12 year old Armani-wearin’ executives, I said:
“If you point that finger at me on more time, I’m going to break it off and shove it up your ass.”
And that’s my Paula Abdul Story.
Thanks for sharing that Alex. I’ve always loathed that woman and now I have ample justification for my hatred. Dumb bitch.
As for her choreography, I think it’s suspect. I mean, have you seen this woman clap her hands? She looks like a retarded seal. Ugh, I hate her.
“…you can bet that the guy has a corn cob up his ass.”
Sheila, that is one of the most hilarious things I have read in a while. As you get a little older, you realize self-awareness is not a common trait. Personally, I like people who underestimate themselves rather than(the all-too-common)overestimate themselves. The modern world seems to prize celebrity over talent. Everyone wants to be talented, but, paraphrasing Cher on her weight-loss commercials, if it came in a pill, everyone would have “world-class” talent.
Damn, I shortchanged your world-class humor by substituting ‘guy’ for ‘dude’–which is infinitely more funny.
I had never given a lot of thought to Ms. Abdul, but after reading that AP article and reading Alex’s hilarious anecdote, I’m reminded of that old episode of The Beverly Hillbillies about female championship wrestlers, where the “villain” was the sweetest person you could imagine and the “good” wrestler was a thoroughly unpleasant individual.
Whenever someone takes to non-ironically referring to him or herself in the third person, you know you have a special person on your hands…
Dave J. ? Kiss my a**!
Well I have to say that, because my sister did time as a Laker Girl for 3.5 years. You know, defending her honor and such.
They’re, for the most part, either students or actual professional dancers (you know, with an agent, and auditions and such). My sister was a dancer in a wild west show/dinner theater. Yes, they do make a living as long as their day job is impressed enough with the Laker gig to give them the flexibility needed.
They make crap for rehearsals. Crap and a half for the actual games. And loads of money for appearences and such.
All in all, the money they make is probably equal to, if not greater then Sheila takes in doing off-Broadway gigs as an actor since it’s steady and guaranteed for 8+ months.
Strippers are, for the most part, not technically great dancers. So they’re cut from the auditions real fast, right after the cheerleaders. And, if they find out someone’s working blue, they drop kick them without a pause. It’s right up there with dating a player. No no no no no!
So there….
Ohhh!
World-class burn!
Settle down, Francis. Pure idle speculation on my part: it wasn’t intended as some kind of personal insult.
I was once in love with a Cold-Hearted Snake, but Paula taught me that Opposites Attract. I then studied his Vibeology and started Blowing Kisses in the Wind, so that I could tell him “The Way That You Love Me makes me Forever Your Girl.”
Straight Up.
Alex
“If you point that finger at me one more time, I’m going to break it off and shove it up your ass.”
Heh heh heh
*wild applause from the stands*
Now that’s world-class.
davej:
“settle down, francis”. hahahahaha You know … I use that phrase so OFTEN. It fits in numerous circumstances. Well done.
Oh, and speaking of “well done”:
GO ALEX. I have heard your Paula Abdul story before, of course … yet I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF IT.
I wish I had been there to see it!
Alex,
You are my hero.
We are victims of our own shallowness aren’t we?
j swift:
Oh God, you’re not gonna come along and ruin our bitchy fun by lecturing about our OWN shallowness, are you?
Total friggin’ bummer, dude. Total bummer.
Alex, I will revel in the glory of you bitch-slapping Ms. Abdul for the entire day.
Okay, there has to be a print of that movie somewhere, or at least some footage…it yearns to be free, I’m sure. ;-)
ricki: Your comment, to my mind, is pretty much right on. You and I are in completely different fields, obviously, but the same rules apply.
Any actor who tells you how awesome he is, is … 100 % of the time … a bad actor. Or, even if he’s an okay actor, he is so annoying that nobody wants to work with him.
The REALLY good actors pretty much just do their work, and the reviews/audience response, whatever, speak for themselves.
Sheila — you’ve inspired me to post about my worst date EVER a few weeks ago. With an actor. God, he was a self-absorbed dick.
Emily –
I literally can’t wait to hear it.
I went on one date with a social worker who KEPT DESCRIBING HIMSELF as a “tireless advocate” of this or that. “I’m a tireless advocate of adult literacy.” “I’m a tireless advocate of THIS”. “I’m a tireless advocate of that.”
I SHOULD have said, “Yeah, well I’m a ‘tireless advocate’ of not being bored out of my mind on dates.”
Hey, I LIKE Paula. She’s “the nice one.” Simon Cowell smacks of the bitter wannabe he was for years, trying to make it in the music biz. Now he takes it out on the unfortunate. At least Randy (“you’re going back home, Dawg”) and Paula try to be, well, not MEAN about it…
After how she treated my friend Alex, I don’t give a shit how “nice” she is. It’s all an act! It’s all an act! Beware, beware!
Red, I really can’t believe that you’ve led us like a pied piper into viciously castigating that poor, sweet girl. She probably had a good reason to be a bitch to Alex – I’m betting the make-up person failed to bring an adequate amount of base, or some such…
My God, you all sound like a bunch of jealous bitches. Paula Abdul may be a bit over the top but she is one of the best choreographers the world has seen, whether you like it or not.
And if you didn’t see her change the face of pop music in 1989, either you were too young or you are too stupid.
To add to your anguish, she’s more successful than you’ll ever be and she’s richer than you’ll ever be. Plus, she couldn’t possibly give a shit what a small-minded got-too-much-time-on-her-hands fool like you thinks of her. Get a life.
Yeah, and she didn’t just change the face of pop muscic, she changed life as we know it. Without her, man, there would be no more Broadway, without her, Miles Davis, Mozart, Nat King Cole, Duke Ellington, George Crumb, Bach, Charles Ives,the Beatles, Buddy Guy, Louis Armstrong, Malcolm Arnold, The Allman Brothers, Jimi Hendrix, Sonny Rollins, Little Feat, Chick Corea, Ella Fitzgerald, George and Ira Gershwin, Prokofiev, John Coltrane, Peter Gabriel, Bill Evans, Carlos Santana, Stravinsky, Todd Rungren, Johnny Griffin, Joni Mitchell, Debussey, and some other dudes wouldn’t be shit, man. Twyla Tharp and George Balanchine–give me a break! That is like comparing Mesa Verde to the Sears Tower–so, like, yesterday. And don’t EVEN get me started on cinema or politics. Paula is the equivalent of a cultural nuclear bomb. She, just, changes everything, man.
“My God, you all sound like a bunch of jealous bitches.”
Settle down, Francis.
Changing the face of pop music. Yeah. It’s just massively evolved since “Forever Your Girl.” The world is a different place today because of it.
She didn’t even write her own songs, did she?
hahahahaha
“Settle down Francis!”
It works in all situations, pretty much. makes me LAUGH.
I know that I experienced a profound shift in my psyche after the first time I heard Straight Up. I listened to it, AGOG AT WHAT I WAS HEARING, and then … trying to be gentle with myself … I lay down on my back on my bedroom floor … stared up at the ceiling … and began to weep.
Did you light candles first? I lit candles first.
i picture an altar to paula at ballz’ house.
just sayin’.
Paula who?