My Conversation With the Cable Guy

I am finally joining the modern world and getting television hookup. I have not “had television” for over 10 years now. But I’m so over it. I need TCM, basically, and I also need to see Celebrity Rehab, Project Runway, and America’s Next Top Model. Not to mention Red Sox games. I am a poor freelancer, but even poor people have cable television. I’ll work it out.

Nevertheless, I called my cable company to get it hooked up. I am relatively used to the fact that I am able to form deep intimate relationships with strangers at a minute’s notice. I have an entire tag on my site called “cab drivers” devoted to the deep conversations I have had with cab drivers. I know that the common denominator in this familiar scenario is ME. I realize that there is something about ME that opens people up. It happens all the time. Sometimes it is unwelcome (it is why ragingly insane homeless people pick me out of a crowded subway to hone in on), but on the flipside I also get people out there, strangers, who just seem to like me, trust me, and want to talk to me. I never told the story about Lou the Car-Jack guy who came to fix my flat tire. That ended up being an hour long conversation on the sidewalk and he had me in STITCHES. I think part of it has to do with the fact that something in my behavior says “Yes” to these kinds of encounters, and so extroverts who try to bond with me find a listening ear. If I was clamped down, giving off “Don’t talk to me vibes” I can’t imagine that a Bangladeshi immigrant cab driver would tell me all about his upcoming wedding to a woman he had never met and how excited he was about it, but also nervous. So I think, when the stars align, and someone starts to talk to me, I adjust mentally – if I feel like it, if they don’t seem insane or inappropriate – and give off, “Okay, let’s talk” energy and we are off to the races. You never know what magical thing might happen.

But here, more or less, is how the conversation with the cable guy went. He had a thick Long Island accent.

“So you want cable hookup?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, no problem. And it’ll be cheaper if you also get the phone hookup – ”
“Like a landline? Okay.”
“Let me just get your phone number …”
I provide it. Then I had to say, “Mainly I just want Turner Classic Movies.”
“Oh, that’s included.” Pause. “So you’re a movie buff, huh?”
“Totally.”
“You like old movies too?”
“I think those are my favorite.”
“Me too. I used to live in New York and would go to the Film Forum all the time.”
“I love to do that.”
“Tell me. What’s your favorite old movie?”
“Oh God. Gimme a second to think.” Agonizing pause. “Right now, Notorious just came to mind.”
“Wait – what’s that?”
“It’s Hitchcock –”
“Is that when Ingrid Bergman gets poisoned?”
“That’s the one!”
“Who’s your favorite actor?”
“Probably Cary Grant.”
“Oh, he’s so good. You know what it is about him? He didn’t talk like nobody else.”
“I know! That voice!”
“And he was so good-looking –”
“But so funny too!”
“You know who my favorite actor is?”
“Who?” (I was frantically trying to guess – but nothing prepared me for what he said. I don’t know why.)
“Jack Lemmon.”
“I LOVE that you just said that!”
“I just think he’s the best.”
“I agree.”
“And he worked forever! But my favorite is The Apartment.”
“Oh man, I love that one, too.”
“Yeah, he’s such a schmuck, but you feel for the guy, you really do. I just think he’s the greatest actor.”
“He’s fantastic.”
“And personally, I like the secondary actors best, know what I mean?” (This cable guy was my soulmate.)
“I totally know what you mean. The character actors.”
“Yeah. They’re always better than anyone else.”
“I so agree.”
“I don’t understand how people say they don’t like black and white movies. It pisses me off. But now I’m rambling …”
“No, you’re not rambling. I’m with you. It’s a really dumb comment.”
“These old actors … there was nobody else like them. Nowadays, you really don’t see that kind of thing anymore.”
“True, so true.”
“Okay, Sheila, you’re all set, so when’s a good time for you for the guy to come out and hook this up for you?”