Yes. The title of this post sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel.
I have been spurred on to reveal this semi-embarrassing thing about myself because DeAnna was brave enough to write a post like this. I recognize myself in a post like that. It’s been a while since I’ve gone a little bit crazy, but when I do go crazy? I break all the records. You never SEEN crazy like Sheila crazy!!
So her post describing her increasing hysteria (based only upon her own morbid imagination) reminds me of The Coma Contingency.
The Coma Contingency dates from … the mid-1990s. I was in love with someone. It didn’t work out causing me to go pretty much insane for … well, far too long. One of my dear friends at the time (I will not reveal her name … unless she steps forward and says: “I AM SHEILA’S PARTNER IN CRIME!” Because this story involves the two of us. But this is my blog, and I am only going to reveal MY secrets. It’s not up to me to reveal stuff about other people.) So anyway – one of my dear friends was also madly in love with someone. It didn’t work out. She and I were always scarily in sync. Romances for both of us would sometimes go in identical cycles. We would both be flying high, full of happiness, excitement, over our new relationships, and then – over the course of the SAME weekend – be full of tears and tragedy.
So this was one of those times.
We were both really really sad. We would sit around and talk about our lost loves. We would analyze. We basically just supported each other, and tried to move on.
And one of the ways we did that was to put in place a plan that we called The Coma Contingency.
The Coma Contingency existed for YEARS … and … er … man, it still may BE in place for all I know. We would reference it on occasion. 6 years later … “So … you still there for me with the Coma Contingency?” “Yup. No problem.”
So. Let’s create a hypothetical so that you can see how the Coma Contingency should work.
I was madly in love with this guy. But he hadn’t even been my boyfriend. Not really. This put me in a VERY precarious position – (try to imagine being crazy, and then this will all make sense.) Let’s say I had a horrible accident and went into a coma. People would have to be notified, right? Parents called … friends … but … who would know to notify the guy I loved? He wasn’t in my address book. He didn’t exist – as far as my documentation was concerned. He wasn’t “in there”. This was VERY precarious – because if I were in a coma, I would DAMN well want him to know!! (Why? Oh, you know, because then he could rush to my side and be with me … or then — even though I would be in a coma and lost to the world, I believed that it was important for him to KNOW that I was in a coma – that somehow his KNOWING would change what it was like for me, in my coma-ness … I could go on, but I think it’s better if I stop talking right now) … The thought of me being in a coma and him going blithely about his business, unaware of my situation, was UNBEARABLE.
The same was true for my friend. We concocted this whole thing together, by the way. We were, of course, scarily in sync, in terms of our fears about being in a coma and having our ex-loves NOT know.
So. We came up with what we called The Coma Contingency. If I were in a coma, then she would know what to do. She would, no matter where she was, contact the guy I loved, and let him know. And if she were in a coma, then I would know what to do. Even if the coma happened 5 years hence. Come hell or high water, I would track down the guy she once loved, and let him know.
You see, too, how we assumed we would still NEED the Coma Contingency 5 years later. We created the Contingency in the freshness of our grief and loss, when we thought we would feel that way FOREVER.
But we promised: IF there were to be ANY comas … involving either of us … then the one left conscious had to PROMISE to track down the old flame … and let him know.
Trying to imagine that conversation.
Ring, ring …
“Hello?”
“Hi … I realize you’re married and have 3 kids now … and it’s been 15 years since you knew her … but just wanted to let you know that Sheila’s in a coma. Have a good day. Bye.”
What? There are people out there who’ve never heard of this? Must be boys, because my BF and I have it, and so do all of our other friends.
We’ve only talked about our deaths, though. Note to self: Add Coma to list.
The BEST thing about the Coma Contingency is that, since you’re in a coma, you’ll never know the response to the revelation on the phone:
“Who’s Sheila?”… wouldn’t that be just devastating!
Plus we’ve all made a pact that when one of us dies, we are all to wear head-to-toe black and big Jackie O sunglasses, WITH HATS. Death is not a time for subtlety!
We are to cry big racking sobs until the end, and then we will either 1) leave a single red long-stemmed rose on the casket, or 2) throw ourselves on the casket. Either way, there is no call for stoicism. Grief must be LOUD, or there will be haunting.
Yeah, we drink a lot, why do you ask?
“Hi … I realize you’re married and have 3 kids now … and it’s been 15 years since you knew her … but just wanted to let you know that Sheila’s in a coma. Keep her in your thoughts.”
OK, it seems to me that message is more appropriately left on an answer machine for maximum effect. The idea is to inflict as much guilt as possible on the guy, isn’t it? Your partner should hang up if someone answers. :)
lisa – Yes, the Coma Contingency is even more important than the death one … because … there is a possibility … that you could wake up!!!
I love to know that this is universal, though.
In our worlds, at that time … we hoped that our ex-flames would have been sitting there, waiting for us to wake up, to give him a second chance, etc. etc.
I must be crazy too:
“I was madly in love with this guy. But he hadn’t even been my boyfriend. Not really. This put me in a VERY precarious position.”
I TOTALLY understand that. Been there, done that.
I never thought of the Coma Contingency thing; not at least as far as having a “notify buddy.” I tend to worry about more morbid things, like me falling in the shower and breaking my neck and them not finding me until a week later after I’ve started to stink. (Probably my contingency should be “If I don’t call you at x time every day, then assume I’m dead somewhere and go and try to find my body).
I have heard of guys having a “disposal buddy” who will rush into their house and get rid of all their porno (to save emotional distress for grieving mothers, grandmothers, etc.) in the event that the guy’s disposal buddy cacks.
ricki –
Makes me think of the couple of women I know who are dating guys in the military. Not engaged, not married – “just” dating. And their guys are deployed – and they have anxiety about their “precarious” position. If their boyfriend dies … are their names, as girlfriends, on “the list” of who the military will call? Or … is “girlfriend” not permanent enough? How on earth would they be notified, etc? So they make up convoluted contingency plans, they contact the military wives of the men in their boyfriend’s unit … so word could get passed along, etc. … trying to make SURE that they are notified.
We all have our versions of the coma contingency plan, looks like.
oh and ricki – funny thing about the “disposal buddy”.
Alan Gurganus’ wonderful novel Plays well with others starts with a “disposal buddy” having to keep up his end of the bargain. His friend dies and he has to race over to the apartment and remove all the porno.
Yeah. It’s me. I’m actually weirdly not ashamed to admit it. The key to the coma contingency of course, is to make sure you have the pact with a first/near responder. So, for example, if I went into a coma, someone I KNOW that health professionals would call, say my sister, has to know to call my Coma Contingency Buddy so that the coma contigency buddy can call the guy I was in love with years ago. He will undoubtedly race from his now-life to bring me back from near-death. Sheila, I am NOT kidding you … I think about this all the time. I figure that since Bethie, my sister, reads your blog AND would know that I was in a coma, she’d contact you and you could do what’s necessary. I believe that I also MADE YOU MEMORIZE HIS LAST NAME and PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. I took very few chances. His place of employment changed, just so you know. And now, I don’t think I need him to come out of a coma, but *still*… it’s reassuring to know there’s a plan out there. Please keep me aware of any procedural changes in your life. :-)
yes, ladies and gentlemen – my partner in crime in this (and in so many other things) was Ann marie.
GOOD POINT about the first/near responder. Phew – that could be a disaster otherwise.
And I am a terrible coma contingency friend – please email me his last name again. I believe it starts with a B.
You know where to find mine, ad nauseum. :)
Holy crap! I have a Coma Contingency too! Thank you, Sheila. It is indeed comforting to know that I am not alone in my insanity!
I just went back and read all the comments more carefully. I am a disposal buddy for my best friend. He made me promise that if he bought the farm, I’d rush over with several large Hefty bags and get rid of his porn.
Several. Large. Hefty bags.
Who needs that much porn? That is probably what will kill him.
That’s probably the second best way to go, DeAnna.