After one of our shows last week, I was walking out through the lobby, on my way to see my brother and his girlfriend. Sometimes audience members are clustered around out there, and lots of times they stop me to talk to me. It’s nice. It’s nice on many levels – one of them being that it FORCES you to take a compliment gracefully – which is a dying art, if you ask me. Watch how people routinely denigrate themselves when you compliment them (and having your compliment denigrated is such a dis). Watch how often people blow off your compliment by saying, “Ahhh, I was really off tonight –” or whatever. If you look at examples of 18th century and 19th century correspondence – the manners are breathtaking. And manners make you the opposite of stiff and insincere. Good manners actually warm the room up.
It is hard for me to just calmly accept compliments – whether it comes from a stranger or from my boyfriend or from a friend. I still get awkwzrd when I am praised. I have a tendency to blow it off – to do that self-deprecating thing – to change the subject. Maybe it’s because I actually don’t like all the attention. I mean, of course I do – when I’m on stage, I love the attention – but when I’m off, I can feel awkward with people just standing around talking to me about the play and my work in it. Any actor who is out there will totally get what I’m talking about.
I was going out into the lobby to find my brother – which I did. We were heading back into the theatre for the Q and A session we were holding … and suddenly this woman stopped me and said – with a sincerity that could not be faked, it came straight from her heart: “Oh my God. You. You.” She reached out and grabbed onto my arm. “You were so wonderful.” Her openness kind of stunned me – this was not your garden variety, “Good show” compliment. She had been moved by what I had done, and I felt that she had been waiting to talk to me specifically. “You. You.”
It’s not that I don’t appreciate compliments! No! It’s just that I feel awkward while they are occurring. This woman was so sweet, and I said to her, and I meant it- “Oh God, thank you so much – it means a lot to hear …”
“I just … I just … I don’t even know what to say …” I could tell then: something had happened to her, she had taken my performance personally … She had had an experience. It really moved her. I have been in her shoes, I know what that feels like.
She was so sweet – enthusiastic, open, kind.
“Thank you so much! I am so glad to hear you enjoyed it …”
She ended up joining the QA, and her questions were sweet, and open. I kind of loved her, truth be told. Not because she loved me but because she was so obviously moved by the entire experience.
And the next day I found out that that woman was SHARON OLDS.
SHARON OLDS!!!!!!!!
One of my favorite living poets ON THE PLANET shows up at my show and gushes at me in the nicest most open way possible and I DON’T KNOW IT’S HER????
SHARON OLDS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I guess it’s kind of good that I didn’t know who she was – because I would have bombarded her with my own compliments – and we would have gotten nowhere.
“You’re great -” “No, you’re great!”
But still.
I kind of am pretty damn proud that Sharon Olds pulled me aside as I walked by her and gushed at me in an inarticulate way (Sharon Olds??? Inarticulate???) about how much she loved my acting.
SHARON OLDS????????
You’re so conceited.
Being genetically pre-disposed to self-deprecation.. Congratulations on overcoming that particular affliction, Sheila.
“You’re great -” “No, you’re great!”
Thank you.. No.. thank you.. No.. Thank you.. No.. Thank You!..
btw “The Pope’s Penis”?!? hahaha
Pope’s Penis? What?
bren –
thanks!!
She was the woman sitting in front of you and Melody.
I have been reading and loving her poetry for YEARS – 20 years? I had no idea who she was – none of the books of hers that I have have pictures of her on the back.
I’m still thrilled about it. She’s such a good writer.
Bitch. My jealous ass hates your flipping guts.
Just to keep the ego in check, mind you. ;)
hahahahaha
Sharon Olds … likes me! She really really likes me!!
I am sure if my ego gets too big, Emily, you will be there to bitch-slap me back into shape.
Never mind, peteb. I get it now. It’s one of her poems. I didn’t know WHAT was going on there for a minute!
I’m not even going to contemplate what you might have thought was going on there even for a minute, Sheila.
Just to set the record straight, her exact words were, “Omigod, I WORSHIP you.”
Remember we thought she seemed familiar thought? Isn’t that strange?
peteb –
I thought it was a punchline to a joke or something – something from another comment-thread that I had forgotten.
Either that or I’ve got sex and Catholicism on the brain … which wouldn’t be anything new …
Bren – hahahaha Yeah, I left out the “I worship you” part because … well … you know. I didn’t want to brag.
You’re RIGHT – we did have that little “Isn’t she familiar” moment!!!
“which wouldn’t be anything new …”
and which happens to be the topic of the poem in question..
Brag away.. there is nothing better than having those we appreciate returning that appreciation.
I can’t find my favorite poem of hers online – maybe I’ll post it later when I get home.
Dern straight, O’Malley. I’ll have your butt writing long “Why I Suck Ass At Absolutely EVERYTHING” essays while wearing unflattering potato sacks before pulling a Clockwork Orange on you with David Hasselhoff’s Best Christmas Memories: Let’s Make A Snowman! set to one of his live German performances.
You’ll never accept another compliment again.
//writing long “Why I Suck Ass At Absolutely EVERYTHING” essays//
I think I spent the majority of my teens doing that very thing – I don’t want to go back there!!!
I want to see the video for “Let’s make a snowman”.
“Entire crowds of hundreds of people would softly chant my name”
wow. That must be SO COOL.
That’s like, something I dream about. (And no, not in a cult-leader sort of way). Alas, college professors are AT BEST taken for granted (at worst, denigrated and made fun of).
yes, I am a little jealous.
But hey – enjoy it for me, if it happens again.
And I’m totally with you on the not-accepting-compliments thing. It’s almost as if the society now trains people to be bad at accepting compliments. And the art of paying honest compliments may die out – I mean, I’dthink twice about complimenting someone again if all they did was give me a laundry list of why I was mistaken in bestowing that compliment.
I just smile and say “thank you.” Even if it’s someone saying “nice shoes” or something like that (which always seems a little weird to me – I mean, I can understand complimenting someone if you know they designed the dress they are wearing or if they knit their sweater, but the random compliments on pieces of purchased clothing kind of puzzle me. I suppose it’s a way of saying “hey, I think you have good taste!” but I always feel a little weird thanking people for it.)
If you haven’t been a cult figure then you will not know what I am talking about.
Why is this sentence so funny to me?
patrick – hahahahahahahhaha because it is completely absurd!!
ricki –
it is a strange sense of power … this was just a performing thing – I created a persona with this singing gig I had – and people went nuts. but it was a PERSONA – it was like … I don’t know … it was like I just DECIDED to be Marlene Dietrich or something … and it WORKED! Better than I would ever have hoped.
But it was the one-on-one response that I struggled with – being able to thank people graciously, being able to DEAL with the adulation – I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but … this really did happen to me … I was “Sheila” – this persona – this woman who sang every Monday night at this club … and people just fawned over me … I had a hard time with just saying, “Thank you so much” when people complimented me …
It was a very good lesson. Just smile and say “Thank you so much…”
Great story about Jimmy Stewart. He was in his 80s – walking into a restaurant with his wife. A fan recognized him and came over to him and gushed at him, “I don’t guess it means anything to you but I just wanted to say that I’ve seen your pictures a hundred times and I have enjoyed you very much.”
And Stewart held onto this man’s hand and said warmly, “Why, it means everything to me.”
Now THAT’S grace.
i’m not comparing myself with him, you understand – but there is a great lesson there!!
:) I always thought Jimmy Stewart was a classy man.
(Actually, I’ve said similar things – not quite so elegantly – to the occasional student who has come and told me they got a lot out of my class, or they thought I was a good teacher, or whatever. I think sometimes people don’t realize that in many (most?) professions, you get so little positive feedback, that hearing that what you did was “good” or it meant something for them, is worth more to you than whatever you may have been paid).
WOW!
congrats!
im so proud of you Sheila…the two things i have been able to give you (compared the millions that you have given me)…i conditioned you out of the “morning sterns” and I made it possible to have a lovely moment with a favorite poet..i couldnt be happier!!!
because it is completely absurd!!
At first the word “preposterous” came to mind, but I like “absurd” much more.
OMG!!! Sharon Olds!!??!! How did you figure out it was her???
Jeez! I’m speechless!
Apparently, she’s a good friend of the playwright who is also a poet. The next day the other actress in the play said, “Sharon Olds just LOVED the play.” I was like: “Huh? What? She was here??” She said, “Yeah … she was the one in the question and answer session who was like …” and she told me one of the questions she had asked. That’s how I put it together.
I couldn’t believe it!
All of the books of hers that I have do not have author photos – so I had no idea what she looked like.
What a nice moment, and a fun story. For those of us who haven’t been fortunate enough to see you ply your “other” trade, we can only assume that Sharon Olds is a wise, discriminating viewer–and that you are as talented on stage as we imagine. I am jealous of you–and her.
DBW- I saw her show last night. She was PHE-fucking-nominal. It is so odd to see a person you have known since you were a kid, dressed in clothes she would NEVER wear, saying words she would NEVER say, and yet BUYING it. Hook, line and sinker. She was no longer Sheila, but a psychic Mrs. Doubtfire. Which she is NOT in real life. Mrs. Doubtfire that is. Unless Mrs. Doubtfire has a smart, sexy, funny, wild side that is also obssessed with history,obscure countries of the world and has crushes on the founding fathers and movie stars- simultaneously. I haven’t seen the movie in years, but I don’t recall her having any of those qualities…
My Wife Sarah and I saw it yesterday too! It was a great show Sheila! You were great!
Sheila, you always put a smile on your face, not only with your postings, but with the way you answer your comments, even!
You are indeed, totally awesome.
I want to try this new “accepting compliments” thing. Everyone feel free to compliment me now. :)
Duh. “your face” should read “my face.”
Guess I won’t get compliments on my writing!
*Compliment for JonF*
I like how you figure out that you made a mistake. That is very cool. I wanna be just like that. You are an awesome writer! :)
Get the fuck out – I don’teven know what to say. Thank god you had the grace to accept her compliment! what if you had shrugged off sharon fucking olds?
hahaha Yeah, really. What if I had been aloof and weird??
Good manners. Thanks, Mitchell!!!!