Things experienced so far in LA – part 4

— Alex informs me, “I am so horrible in crisis situations … Let me call Chrisanne.” Chrisanne is Alex’s wife. She lives in Chicago. She is an amazing person who does not seem to experience panic in the same way that some others do. (Ahem – Alex and I) She remains calm, unruffled, and she knows what to do. Her voice does not rise in alarm. So Alex calls Chrisanne. From the side of the 101 in Los Angeles. Chrisanne immediately asks if I’m okay … I begin to shudder with shame because I broke their car. Alex tells me to shut up. Many many many times. Chrisanne tells Alex what to do. Alex obeys. She calls the insurance holder. She is then wading through a bureaucratic maze … trying to get a damn tow truck to come to us … Finally, we get the word. The guy will come to us in 45 minutes. Little did we know that this guy would be yet another angel – in a long long long line of angels that we met during this incredible day.

— So we stand by the car and we wait. We don’t want to get in the car because of how it shakes when the traffic zooms by.

— We have an absolutely HILARIOUS time of it. We pretend to re-enact the hitchhiking scene in It Happened One Night. We fantasize about baring our breasts to the oncoming traffic to see if anyone stops. We HOWL with laughter. We get into deep metaphysical conversations. She reassures me that if the brakes were going to die – then they were going to die regardless of who was driving it. It wasn’t my fault. Oh, I know, I know … but still!! I was the one at the wheel and it’s not my car! We thank God again and again that I am all right. We shudder to think what could have happened.

— Alex gasps like a crazy person: “THERE HE IS!” We see a tow truck has pulled into the breakdown lane ahead of us. We jump up and down. Alex has on a boa. Just so you get the full picture.

— A scrawny little guy comes over to us, beaming a smile with long yellow teeth. We are both amazed by his teeth. We talk about his teeth later and how we couldn’t stop staring at them. Turns out, he is NOT our tow truck … but a guy from the freeway service – who careen around looking for people who are in trouble. We tell him we are porn stars, in from Illinois to do a job. We all end up laughing and joking around like we are old dear friends. We tell him a tow truck is coming. He tells us that we really have to get in the car and put our seat belts on. That we will be much safer. We scream at him in a panic about how Zeus shakes the car and that we are afraid … he tells us we will be safer. We say goodbye to our new-found long-toothed friend and we clamber back into the broken car, and put our seat belts on.

— We wait. We pass the time quite well.

— Finally. We see our tow truck. There he is. And … holy shit … he is backing up towards us … he is not stopping … we both start screaming at him: “WAIT – WAIT – WE’RE IN THE CAR – WE’RE IN THE CAR …” He does not hear us, he is a man on a mission … he has the claw thingie out … and in one fell swoop, he hooks the claw under the car – we feel a jolt – we both start SCREAMING LIKE BANSHEES. He doesn’t know we’re here!!!! He doesn’t know we’re in the car!!! Of course … he DID know we were in the car and he was just getting the first leg of our journey under way. We freak out … and clamber out of the car … shrieking and sputtering like lunatics, Alex flipping her boa around … we are clutching our purses, our cell phones … we are out of control. The driver – a man named Peter – says to us kindly: “Just go get in the truck.” Alex and I obey meekly. Our emotions are a roller coaster. The funny thing, too, is that we are TOTALLY in sync. The entire day was like that. We just rode the wave together. We climb up into the truck. Alex informs me bluntly, “I am so terrified.” I say, with a certainty I do not feel, “Everything is going to be FINE.”