On Saturday, I had my friend Jen over. This next weekend I’m having my friend Allison over. The following week, Mitchell arrives and he will be staying with me for a bit. And at the end of April, I’m having a dinner party for all O’Malley cousins and aunts and uncles and siblings in the area. Well, and some are driving in from OTHER areas. Should be interesting, considering the SIZE of my apartment. And the fact that I only have 4 chairs. Oh well. And I want to have another girlfriend-sleepover party with my friends from Rhode Island. When Mere’s foot heals!!!
Anyway. Simone (the cross-dressing red-glittery-lipsticked palm-reader who accosted all of us last Monday after my show) kept saying to me, “Home … you need to make your house a home … have people over …” etc.
This was already the way the wind was blowing – but it’s really happening now. Every time I have had my friends down from Rhode Island – it is always SUCH a joy to … have people over, man. I just love it. New York is much more of a “Let’s meet out at a restaurant” type of culture. It’s just easier – since everyone is usually sprawled all over the city – and it’s easier to pick some central location, where everyone can catch their trains home, etc. And fuggedaboutit if you live in Joisey. Even if my house is closer to the city than most spots in Brooklyn. It’s still just easier, in general, to meet in the city. But the joy of having people come over … let them into my world … return the favor (because all of them have hosted me on numerous occasions) is SUCH an intense joy for me that I get all excited about it.
If you’re not like me then you will have NO idea what I’m talking about – but if you ARE like me, then maybe you’ll get it. I’m a hermit. And I’m a loner. I get into habits. Habits of hibernation. Like – I disappear off the face of the earth. My apartment is a private little castle, dedicated to my obsessions. I get shy about letting people in there. My books. My movies. My writing. It’s MY place. And … I’ve been shy about having people over. It’s a very VERY big deal for me to have company. It doesn’t have to do with the STATE of my house or anything like that. It’s an adorable and cozy apartment. It’s very ME. It expresses who I am. It’s not like I have old food smeared on the floor, and empty gin bottles piled up in the sink. hahahaha It’s just I’m in a habit of … NEVER having people “drop by”.
But over the last couple months, I’ve sensed that a lot of this needs to change. I need to open my house to my friends, my family – more. It gives me so much joy when Beth, Betsy, Mere (and once: Ceileidh!) come over, and stay. And use my kitchen, and give me compliments on the coziness of it … and make themselves comfortable. I love it and I need to do it more. I need to get some air in there. It will do me good, and … somehow I sense it will change me. In a way that I need to change. My social self has pretty much receded in recent years. For various reasons. I’ve had some disappointments in life that I have taken too much to heart. I have retreated.
And I’ve realized that my apartment – the space where I live – is a metaphor for larger things. My whole life. WHO. I. AM. What breakthroughs would be possible for me if I just throw open those doors?
So I’ve done that.
I’m neurotic about my apartment – but that’s only because I’m usually the only one who sees it … so I get self-conscious about it. Basically what it comes down to is … I’m self-conscious about who I am. That’s all. And I’m determined to work on that. So what that every inch of wall space is taken up by books? So what?? I can work on this self-consciousness on my own, intellectually, and I have – but I’ve also found that just having people over, and opening up my life to them (my dear friends) … is highly relaxing and gratifying. I start to look around and see things in a different way. I lose the self-consciousness. I look at my curtains and realize, yet again, how beautiful they are. I look at how the lamplight falls on my pale yellow walls and get a deeper appreciation of how pretty it is. I look at my hard wood floors and go: “Damn. That’s so nice looking!” My reticence dissolves. It becomes a place where I can actually CELEBRATE who I am. Because the place so expresses me perfectly.
Letting people in to my space – and being the hostess – and having food for my guests – and all that stuff – is, for me, like giving gifts on Christmas. This is my space. This is who I am. It’s a nice place. It’s very me. It’s a gift I can give to others. There are some people who are like that with their homes. Their doors are always open. You will always find a space at their dinner table. They LOVE to be the hosts. It gives them great great joy – those are always the funnest houses to visit. I’m learning. That’s the kind of relationship I want to have with my space. And it’s hard for me. I am sooooooo private. And did I mention neurotic? But by holding back, by WITHholding my living space … I’m withholding who I am. It’s been so much fun to just … throw that mindset away!!
Jen – who helped me feng shui the joint up – hasn’t been to my apartment since then, even though we live 5 minutes away from each other. I mean, granted, we’re both busy, our lives are nuts, yadda yadda … but God, it was so NICE to have her over. She walked in this past weekend – and just wandered around for a while – taking it all in. She’s a dear dear friend – she gets how my whole apartment-thing is a pretty big deal to me. She gets it. She had a comment for EVERYTHING. “Oh! That bookcase looks great there!” Etc. We were roommates for 9 years … so she was exclaiming over certain objects. “Oh! I remember that knick-knack!! Oh man … I miss having all your BOOKS around!” It took her half an hour to take everything in. This is why I love this girl. I’ve got tears in my eyes right now. She looked at everything. She complimented me on all my plants. One of the plants she gave me – 9 years ago – it was a teeny fragile stalk – and it is now a huge tree. Well – huge? It’s almost as tall as I am. But it was literally 3 inches long when she gave it to me. I sat back, and watched her walk around, looking at stuff – and I started to see the place through her eyes. She’s very sensitive to space, to how things are set up … when I needed to rearrange everything, she’s the one I called. She’s just got a great eye for it. I do not. So to watch her walk around, nodding happily, saying, “I love it here … it has a really good energy, Sheila … I love it …” meant so much to me.
It’s funny. I’m a grown woman. But having guests is still a novelty to me … and I still find it thrilling.
Coming out of my shell. That’s what’s happening, in more ways than one. Coming out of my shell.
I’m the same way about my house. It’s not that I don’t like people or having them over. It’s just that it’s MY space. Besides, now that I have a laptop, my kitchen table has basically become my desk — it’s scattered with books and notes and pens and crayons and colored pencils and dammit…I can’t work if I have to take everything off to put on a damn table cloth and serve food!
I love that you have crayons – I have them, too – I need them!!
Where do you keep your Legos?
My work also has a tendency to literally taaaaaaake over. And I’M fine wiht it – I can live with my stacks of manuscript, and my open books with pens lying about, etc. But I feel like I need to kinda rein all that in when I have people over!
Ah. But do you have Lincoln Logs?
No! But I do have Play-Doh, believe it or not.
Legos are stored in a bucket in the closet, only played with on a spread out sheet (just like grandma used to make us do) so as to avoid losing pieces (I do anyway). Works of art go on display for varying lengths of time, depending on the subject matter. “Plastic Lady With Pink Shoes Outside of Square House With Half a Roof and Missing Window” had a two week showing. Very successful. Great reviews.
hee hee hee hee
We don’t have folks over that often, but i love when we do. the wine just FLOWS, like the conversation, and all of a sudden it’s 4am…and i’m trying to find space on the kitchen counter for the empties.
My yurt. My space.
Visitors? Find a bare patch of ground and sit.
Other than that, totally agree.. not that I’m neurotic about it at all.. but it’s MY SPACE.. visitors can expect it to be tidy and neatly packed away..
You know what I miss … erector sets. Though K’nex are pretty cool.
As for company … I’m kind of like Emily. I don’t like people in my space so much. But I do enjoy having good friends stop in occasionally.
I like it when people come over. The kids go to bed (my daughter usually hams it up for the company), we order take out. We crack open a bottle of wine (or several, on a good night) or a few beers. I tune the TV to the digital music station or plug the iPod into my stereo.
And we talk.
And talk. and talk. (And don’t forget the drinking.) The good nights are the ones where it’s around 1:00 in the morning and we’re all like, Hhey, it’s only one o’clock! There’s plenty of time left here.”
In the winter, the smokers (or all of us, if we’re in a particularly riveting conversation) duck out onto the porch for smokes.
In the summer, the screened porch becomes hangout HQ. There’s adirondack chairs out there, and a teak portable rolling bar with 3 more stools. Colored party lights hang along the tops of the screens, and the ceiling fan has a red bulb in it…keeps the mood right after dark.
With kids, the good, long nights like that become more infrequent. But they never, ever stop happening completely.
They’re too much fun. And they’re important, too.
Enjoy having your friends over Sheila. Some of the best nights are ones where you all get together, sit around, and do nothing in particular. You just enjoy the comfort of each other’s company.
Bingley, I recall one night where, at around 3:30 in the AM, I was putting the empties away and counted 7 bottles. There were only four of us drinking.
That I managed to function the next morning (a Sunday, thank God) is a personal triumph.
Alex, well done! if you and yours live in NJ then it sounds like we need to get together with Sheila..on a Saturday night, of course!
i don’t really have a space that’s just my own yet; there’s my room at home with the parentals — it gets used as storage often enough that it’s not truly mine, and the wall of books in it bring in people, because not all the books are mine [yet], and here at college, i have a roommate, and people wander in to visit, esp. with her, all the time. but i imagine that i’ll be much the way you are about having people over. i like having a space to me, my books, my writings, my drawings — a space that’s personal and comfortable because it’s so me..
i think you know what i mean.
Alas, Bingley, I am in the other state that makes up the tri-state area. It’d be cool one dayfor the bloggers to convene one day in the (as Sheila pointed out) very-conveniently-located Greatest City In The World, though.
Alex – we so should do that!! Let’s plan something!
Some group event. I’d have you all over, but I swear, I only have 4 chairs. Although we could go up on the roof, if I have you over in the summer!!
We should definitely put some sort of plan in the hopper for the summertime. Total fun!
And of course, there would be much blogging about the event afterwards…
Sheila, please stop reading my journal.
patrick – hahahahaha you too???
amelie – I totally know what you mean. :) A room of your own. A space of your own. It’s a really cool thing – I’m really enjoying it.
I’m kinda the same way. It’s my space. And working with the public, I like my place because it’s quiet and if I don’t wanna be disturbed, I’m not disturbed.
I’m kinda self conscious about it, too. Mine’s not much in the way of hospitality, I guess. It starts well. There are a couple of nice, comfy, matching chairs. But it goes downhill. I mean, I have my bookshelves, and by damn there’s a bunch of them. A TV, a DVD player. Big desk with a tiny computer.
The desk is supposedly where I do my work, but right now it’s covered with baseball cards, books and a couple of Transformer toys.
There’s no table. If I’m eating at home, it’s over the sink or in a comfy chair in front of the teevee.
I try not to spill anything on the chair, because then it wouldn’t match.
The shame is, I gotta move in the next little while. I like my place. But the owner’s selling. Been trying to find a good place to go for a couple weeks. Not a lot of luck….
Sorry. Got a little long winded there.
Sheila, I am alone in this apartment too much. It’s a nice apartment. I’ve lived in this great apartment for about four years now and I’ve had maybe two or three official “parties.” My own dear parents have only been here once and they live only 40 minutes away. I’m not sure what it is, but I know that life would be richer if I had people over more often. I’m always worried about stupid things like, I don’t have a balcony, where will the smokers go? (uh, down one flight of stairs and outside).
I recall an apartment I had right after college. It was EMPTY except for a few things. It was such a depressing place. Then, one night I had a group of people from church over for game night. It was fun and from that point on the place felt more like home because there were memories there.
It’s great to have people over. It’s like they leave part of themselves. It just sort of changes things.
I’m totally like that. I never allowed anyone into my room all throughout high school. My mother probably snuck in and read my diary while I was at school, but while I was home, my room was off-limits to everyone. It became a game with my friends to see if they could catch a glimpse when they came to pick me up. I didn’t change until my soon-to-be husband raced past me and got inside my room. I cried – it felt like such a terrible invasion. I’ve tried to explain it to him, but I don’t think he ever completly understood because he’s such an extreme extrovert. However, the experience did make me feel more comfortable having people in my personal space, and I’ve been experiencing the same sense of excitment & satisfaction that you talk about as I welcome people into my home.
Even though I like entertaining now, it’s always such a relief to lock the door after people leave and celebrate the quietness. I don’t think that will ever change for me. Hope you enjoy all the entertaining!
I wish I could be at your place right now staring up at your beautiful ceiling. (wearing the Nana) Or up on your roof. Your place is great. I NEED TO COME VISIT IN THE WORST WAY!!! but…i guess that won’t be for another 6 weeks or so. :(
anyway….How many O’Malleys are you going to have over? You are a close knit family-good thing!!
i cant wait Sheil!!! to sit and read and watch movies (we need to start on our list!!!) and drink til we are stupid!!! also im planning a dinner party on the 5th for u, me,alex,hamilton, wagner…after her staged reading!!! fun?!!! any restaurant ideas?
I’m with you Mere – we’ll grab Beth and shoot on down for a weekend of togetherness and not too much walking!
Maybe I can come over tonight?
Or not.
Maybe the loves gone.
It happens.
It’s Ok if it is you know.
david – hahahahahahaha
You wanna?? Wanna come over tonight??
I can show you my feng shui?? heh heh