Diary Friday – part II

Part II of the entry below this one …

I think I’m gonna have to do a Part III as well … This is a long-ass entry. But it’s great – especially for my friends who will remember this time, and who will know the people of which I speak. This is an entry of 1000 names. A big blast from the past!!

OCTOBER 29 MONDAY

What a weekend. Wow.

Wow.

I could sit here and write forever if I had time. I don’t even know if I want to.

_____________________________________

Okay, it’s after school now. In order to get a ride home I had to come to Brendan’s JV game where Mum will be – but it’s raining, so I’m sitting here alone in a deserted dugout. I am in the mood to write it down now so that I can forget this fucking bad day.

So for the rest of the breaks, we all just sat around on the platforms discussing Halloween costumes. Since it was so sudden, I didn’t have time to think yet.

Okay the key word I think – is fondness. That’s what I keep thinking. He’d look at me and grab the back of my neck. “What are you going as, Millie?” I hadn’t even gotten used to the fact that I was actually going. I didn’t even feel enthusiastic yet. More nervous than anything. I love everybody. They want me to feel welcome. I can feel it.

[Now HUGE letters:]

GOD I AM HAPPY NOW! [so much for that “fucking bad day”, huh?]

Rehearsal went til 5:00. After rehearsal I was getting my stuff together and I said to Joanna (who usually drives me home) – “I am gonna go to the O’Neill’s tonight.” Because she wasn’t sure if she was gonna. So she said, “Oh! Oh – okay – I still have to decide what I want to do.” Brett bounded down the stairs looking at me. “Do you need a ride?” I glanced at Joanna and she looked at Brett – “Oh – could you? Cause I’m not going straight home –” So he shrugged – “Sure. Great!”

[Brett: I know you’re reading this. hahahahahaha Again: look at how closely I record YOUR EVERY GESTURE!!]

Everything worked like clockwork. Brett and I headed out to his car together. It felt good. Friendly. I really think Brett is something special. It all goes back to how I see myself. I can’t understand why people would be nice to me for no reason. I don’t let it bug me too much because it doesn’t ruin how I feel about them – but it’s still in the back of my mind: “Why do they like me?” I do that to myself every minute of the day. Especially ESPECIALLY with guys. And Brett — he’s hardly a high school kid. Neither is Eric or Joe. But they’re nice. They include me. I am one of them. It was just cool and grown-up – getting into Brett’s car with him. Massive massive crush here! But I don’t care! He’s HIP!!!!! [hahahaha “Hip”? Brett – did you know that you are “hip”?] He’s a new friend. I love it.

As Brett started the car he said, “Let us pray that it gets out of Park.” It’s an automatic. And it did! I said, “It’s showing off for me, I think.” Now here’s the best part. We were driving along and discussing the party – I can’t get over how at ease I feel with him. God, I just feel like praising him to all the world. Praising everyone in this cast to the whole world!

I am lucky. I know that.

Right as we got to my street – he said, “Are you expected home or anything?” And I shrugged. “No.” And he said, “Cause I was gonna ask if you wanted to go for some dinner at McDonalds.”

My heart stopped. Then flew. Then stopped again. Then soared.

It wasn’t like I sat there thinking, “Oh my God, what does it mean??” I felt just plain terrific happiness – and this love for everybody. Happy. That’s what I felt. So I looked at him and said, “Really?” And he nodded, smiling at me, “Yeah!” So I nodded and said, “If you want to stop by my house – I don’t have any money.” And he just – like TS does – said, “Oh, don’t worry about it.”

Shit. Is it possible to really like two people at the same time? [Yes. That’s the answer.] Of course it’s possible – because it’s happening to me right now.

So we drove on – and as we passed by my street he said, “Well – finally Millie and Alan are on a date!” It was strange – but as we drove along talking, I practically felt in awe of myself, and my own life. It was neat. I felt tingley. Special. Like we were really friends. [I was right. We were. And still are.]

He told me about Kimber’s class. It felt so funny to be cruising along with him! I mean, I felt hopelessly sophisticated. [If you could have seen what Brett’s car looked like at that time – you would laugh out loud that I would have felt “sophisticated” in it.] I mean, I also felt very young and naive – but – I was talking, too. [When I got intimidated with guys, I would clam up. Literally have not a word in my head, nothing to say. I never ever felt that with Brett. I was a blabbermouth with him. We would just blabber together. Very different for me.]

Am I madly in love with him? I mean, it feels like it. I guess I could just brood about this for eternity. [Wow. That sounds like FUN!]

We got to McDonalds. Being there – on my own turf — with him — was weird. [It was the McDonalds near my high school. My friends and I would walk up there during open-campus periods and have lunch] I think of college as being its own little world but there we were in the McDonalds where I have eaten 1000 times! I was with a 20 year old college junior who is gorgeous, nice, funny – He’s a combination of so many great things. As we ordered – I did feel like his buddy … almost like we were actually Millie and Alan. [Our parts in the show] We were laughing, ordering, being normal people together. [I was dating “TS” at this time, and as much as I liked him there were times when I was so self-conscious with him that I could barely keep up my end of the conversation. That was what I was used to happening with boys. But I didn’t feel any of that with Brett.]

It’s strange when you see someone only in one atmosphere . It felt so different to be with him outside of the theatre. It was all so damn wonderful. We shared my McNuggets. He got 3 hamburgers. [hahahahaha] We sat in a corner booth. We were totally hysterical with laughter. I can’t remember why exactly – but we started talking about auditions – and how psyched I must be to be in the show. Brett told me that Kimber and a few other people were sitting around talking about the cast choices, and Brett told me that Kimber said, “Well, Sheila O’Malley is Millie.”

And I said something like, “Yeah, no wonder the whole thing comes so naturally to me. Listen to my lines. ‘How do you talk to boys?’ ‘How do you go on a date?'” Brett stopped eating cause he started laughing, and he slid around the seat next to me, hugging me with one arm as he laughed. When he hugs me it’s so genial, so friendly, so comfortable. It’s nothing to worry about. I love it.

I can’t believe we ate at McDonalds together!! [It truly was one of the most extraordinary events of the 20th century. I totally can see that now.]

I also started looking forward to the party, even though I was getting more nervous than I had ever been before a date with TS. My first party. I tend to be a recluse. I’m shy. So as we ate I asked him, “So what are your parties like?” And he shrugged. “Oh, music. Craziness.” I said, “I am shakin’ in my boots.” He almost spit out his soda. We both were laughing but I had to tell him the truth! He was like, “No, no, they’re fun. Nothing big. Just relaxed. You can meet a lot of other people who aren’t in Picnic.” We had a really cool conversation. He went to NYU for a year but he hated it cause everyone was so self-centered and next year he’s spending the fall studying abroad in London. (Oh, isn’t that HIP?) [Sheila. What’s with the sudden overuse of the word “hip”?] He said, “But I’ll be back in time for you to see me graduate.”

He laughs at my jokes. Really laughs. It feels mutual. It’s almost the first time that this has happened to me. I didn’t feel unsure at all. I could have been sitting there talking with Kate or Mere. No discomfort. I didn’t try to be anyone other than myself.

He’s also good with kids. There was this little girl sitting at another table. She was about 2 with blonde curls. I couldn’t see her because my back was to her, but all of a sudden Brett’s face lit up in this grin, so I turned around and saw her, and for about a minute we sat there waving at her, making faces. It was so cute.

I got this weird sense of being able to step outside myself and see myself. This happens to me a lot with TS, too. I mean, as we sit together at the movies – I feel like I am really removed fromt he situation, and I can feel everyone looking at us and seeing us together – I get the sense of what we look like to other people. I get this even more so with Brett because I’m not used to being with him – he is somebody new and I could hardly believe I was there myself. I couldn’t help it thought – I kept thinking: “What if TS walks in right now?” Or DW – or J or Kate – what would they think? I feel so far away from my friends now. I have this whole other life – and I tell them the stories – but none of them can put faces, yet, to the new people I talk about constantly. I can tell them about rehearsals – but it’s weird to be experiencing something that they are not experiencing. It’s so weird. Sometimes I feel like I belong more with the URI people than with the high school people – Not my friends – I belong with them – but just the whole school atmosphere. I am SO out of school now. If I thought I felt alienated before – now I’m just going to school to kill time before I go to college. It just feels strange and makes me feel far away from my friends. And school itself seems unreal. LIke – it is going on without me there, but I’m not even noticing. I don’t even care.

On the way home, Brett told me the plot of Hooters. [A play that had happened the year before – with Brett, Liz, Eric, and Dina. Still fresh in everyone’s minds. I hadn’t seen it.] I wish I had seen it. As I got out of the car at my house, I leaned back in and said, “Thanks a lot, Brett.” And he smiled at me. “You bet. See you tonight.”

Then I ran inside and sat down.

I was trembling. I was so happy it scared me. It was unbelievably real. I couldn’t stand how nice it all was. I just sat on the couch grinning. Then I turned on some music and danced. No one else was home. Then I went up to my room and threw together my costume. When I had come home for my break, I had told Dad about the party and he said “Sure” I could go. [Thanks, Dad!!] My parents are cool. Then Mum came home and I told her the whole thing about going to McDonalds. She was excited for me. [Thanks, Mum! Hahahahaha] Then the three of us went up to see the O’Neills. I had my costume in a paper bag.

[A word: The “O’Neills” was a night of one-acts by Eugene O’Neill – all taken from the collection “Seven Plays of the Sea“. David (one of my best friends now) was in one of the plays – I talked about it here. But I hadn’t met him yet. We’ve now been friends for 20 years. The things we’ve gone through. I mean, good Lord. Anyway. I will always look fondly on that night of O’Neills. Great night of theatre. First time I ever laid eyes on David.]

It was a beautiful night. Very clear and starry.

At the theatre, my parents went to look at some of the artwork [To my siblings: Some things never change!!] so I went down to the theatre. It was in a tiny little room that seats 100 behind the main theatre. So people had to walk through the main theatre and up on the stage where our platforms are set up. It was so strange – because I felt like an insider. That main stage felt like MINE. When I walked into the littler space, I felt even more like an insider – because Joanna waved to me across the room and Lenny called me over to sit with them. So I went and sat down – Lenny was sitting with this kid, I think his name was Lewis. He was cute. They are all so real.

Brett was sitting in front of us. The room was so small that it was really crowded so I didn’t see my parents and Jean. [Oh! Jean came! Hi, Jean!] Lenny said something really crude and I said, “Please, Lenny. My parents are here.” [hahaha Bitch-slapping rude people even at 16!] Brett immediately turned around amd said, “Your parents are here?” I nodded. “Where?” I scanned the audience – I couldn’t find them. Turns out, they were sitting in the front row facing the stage – I guess they were watching me and they saw me looking around so they started to inconspicuously wave their fingers at me. [hahahaha They were trying to be invisible.] I waved back – Brett keps saying, “Where? Where?” I pointed. I was sitting right behind him – Then he saw my mother’s little wave, and Jean’s little smiling face. Brett waved back. We were all laughing.

When that finished, Brett turned around to me and said, “Introduce me after, okay?”

When Brett wasn’t looking at my anymore, I glanced at Mum and she made a little “OK” circle with her fingers and then pretended she was casually fluffing out her hair with it. [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

The shows were so so good. Joanne was in one – but the guy who was really good is named David. He cried real tears on stage. I saw them. He was incredible.

[I had no idea how close I would get to David. It’s just amazing to look at these first encounters … in my teenage diary. No one can see the future. No one can know. I wasn’t even introduced to him that night. But there he is. My first impression of him. He cried real tears on stage! I saw the tears! And yes: he was incredible. An incredible actor.]

After the show we were all standing up trying to decide who was going with who, etc. I wanted to go over to my parents to tell them I was leaving right away, so as I started over, Brett detached himself from the group and said, “Oh! I have to go meet the O’Malleys!”

College men are different. I can’t believe how different they are. It’s a good different.

So I brought him over to my parents and said, “This is Brett.” (Boy, did I feel different. Not me at all.) Introducing this guy who has become my friend. He’s 20. But he’s my friend. And he wanted to meet my parents and my sister. I want everyone to meet him. I want to introduce him to all my friends – to Betsy and Mere and Beth and Kate and J – So he shook hands with Mum, Dad and Jean – I stood there, glowing, like, “THIS is Brett!” My mother was saying, “You look familiar. What else have you been in here?” He said, “Uh – Moliere – the Threepenny Opera …” — But she couldn’t place it. Then we all started out of the room. I was walking with Brett, and Mum, Dad and Jean were walking behind us. As Brett and I walked out, he said, “So what are you going as?” I said, “A blind beggar.” He started laughing. “Hey, that’s cool!” I asked him what he was going as and he said, “I have no imagination. I’m going as a mime.” [More humor: He was a TALKING mime. Which defeats the whole purpose. But it was hysterical. He would stand there and say out loud, “So now I’m in a wind tunnel —” and then clap his hand over his mouth in horror that he had spoken.]

And just then – Jean remembered seeing him in The Threepenny Opera – He turned around and leaned over to Jean, smiling at her, “I was the one in the long beard.” I can tell they liked him. And he was nice to them, and respectful. And then I realized that it didn’t just feel like we were becoming friends. We are becoming friends. I am letting him meet other people in my life.

Brett turned to me and said, “I’m gonna go change in G Studio …” I said, “Okay. I’ll change in the bathroom.” He smiled at me. “Okay. Then I’ll meet you out here in the lobby.” I nodded and he went running off. My parents were still there.

It felt like that time when TS and I walked home and we arrived at the same time as my parents and we were all treating it as though it were the most normal thing in the world, me being on a date, and out late at night, and all grown-up and stuff. I mean – they were now leaving me in the hands of the guy they just met – to go to a party – that was starting at 11 pm – and I had no definite ride home – and it was this unspoken thing that we all knew that there would be drinking there. I have no idea if they were worried about all of this. [hahahaha My parents are kind of amazing me right now. They obviously trusted my judgment]

“Bye, Mum! Bye, Dad!”
“Call us if there’s a problem.”

Then Mum came over to me and said, “Be home by midnight.” I just stared at her and said, “Don’t do this to me, Mum.” She said patiently, “I’m kidding, Sheila.” Laughter. So I was carefree. I was tingly all over!

I went off into the bathroom and changed.

I had run out of Touch Control. [Which is obviously an enormous tragedy] I had had to blow dry my hair to convince it to stick up like it does when I have Touch Control.

Back at home when I found out I had run out of Touch Control, I was wailing, “Why tonight? Why did I have to run out of it tonight?” And Brendan sort of beckoned me to come over – and when I was next to him, he said, in a hushed voice, “Uh …. Sheila … would a beggar really have Touch Control?”

[I am laughing out loud.]

I have such a funny brother.

I quickly changed into my costume. My hands were shaking. The lights in the bathroom are really harsh so I always look rather bad in my reflection. Grey shadows beneath my eyes, dark lips, chalky skin – I splashed water on my face to feel fresher. I did look pretty good in my costume. I love the gloves and the skirt. I went out into the lobby which by now was almost empty. Brett wasn’t out yet but standing there was Paul Collins! [Wow! Forgot about this and how much I loved him. I knew him from the camp I went to – and also the religious retreat that I continuously talked about for all the other entries. I knew him from there. Great guy. At least in my memory he was.] I haven’t seen him since the summer! They don’t come to the 8:00 anymore. [The 8 pm Sunday mass that I went to every week.] I went running over to him – It was so good to see him. I started to explain why I looked the way I did and he went, “I wasn’t gonna say a word!” So we talked for a while. He had known one of the guys in the show and was waiting for him so we just chatted. I asked him WHY they don’t come to the 8:00 anymore – because that was the only time I got to see them! Paul gives wonderful hugs.

After a while, Brett came out. He was dressed in black but he had forgot his makeup at home. I went back into the bathroom (I had forgotten my tin cup). In the bathroom, I put on my dark glasses and I came blundering out, flailing my arms and holding out my cup. Brett was having fits. Every person that walked by, he’d grab and go, “Look at this.” He said to me, “At the party we’ll just stick you in a corner. I’m gonna be so into it. The blind beggar at my party.” Every time he looked at me he started laughing.

There was this other girl named Carla that he was giving a ride too. She was so nice. I really liked her a lot. We had to stop off at her house first so she could find a costume. [Wow, Carla. No time like the present, huh?] I said goodbye to Paul and Brett, Carla and I started for his car. Everyone in the O’Neills would be at the party – everyone in Picnic – but the majority of people I would not know. I felt very very young.

But glad that I would be arriving with Brett. After all, it was his house – so I’d be arriving on firm ground. I wouldn’t have to slip in and whisper hello to everyone. [Uhm. Why would you behave that way anyway?] Carla lives in the neighborhood opposite mine! That’s strange. She has her own house. As we walked up her steps, I was still being blind, stretching my arms out in front of me searchingly. Brett took my elbow to help me up the stairs.

I’m sorry I mention it every time he touches me. But I remember it all so vividly.

Everything hurts me so much. Without even trying it hurts. The beauty of life, the loneliness, the alination, the happiness – God, it all hurts so much. I miss my friends. But right now my life is in that theatre. My life is Kimber, Brett, Joanna, Liz, Eric, Lenny, Linda, Joanne, Joe, Jennifer. My life is Millie Owens. But that just makes me feel very very alone. Everything’s happening so quickly. My life is happening so fast. My senior year is zipping by and I don’t even notice cause I’m not even there.

While Carla rummaged around for a costume, Brett and I sat on her stairs talking. He makes me LAUGH. He told me about some of his Halloween costumes as a kid. Once he made himself into a huge orange papier-mache pumpkin and he painted his face green – and he wore a green hat – and so many people crushed him by saying, “Oh! You’re a basketball!” Brett was like, “Yeah. I’m a basketball with a green stem. Thanks a lot.”

Carla took a while. [I don’t even remember Carla, but I’m annoyed at her right now. Get your act together, woman.]

The talk I had with Brett on the stairs calmed me down. [Why was I nervous? Because I had seen after-school specials about people forced to drink alcohol, forced to do drugs, forced to have sex … I had read “Go Ask Alice”. I was frightened of being too young but also I knew what I was and was not ready for. Just scared of being confronted with all that stuff and to have the beautiful bubble of acceptance suddenly shattered. Like: “Wow. We thought Sheila was cool … now we can see that she’s just a kid!” That’s what I feared the most. Being blown off because of my age.] Everyone I’ve met so far is so nice. They accept me without judgment. But being with Brett calmed me down. It made me feel so much more comfortable. If I had had to have my parents drop me off at the party – and if I had had to come to the door by myself – and knock – and have a total stranger answer – and enter alone not knowing a soul – no starting point — Thank God that didn’t happen. I would have shriveled.

On the way over I said, “Don’t let me sit in a coner all night, okay?” Carla and Brett both started laughing and went, “Ohhhh Sheila!” But I really was nervous.

Once I got there though, I was fine. We were about the first people there. Brett lives with Joe and Lenny and two girls: P. and one other girl who wasn’t at the party. [That girl is Brooke – we would become fast friends a year later. SO WEIRD to see the beginnings of all of this!!] Brett described P. as a bitch. He told me that she does drugs and everything. He said, “She really scared me one night. She started screaming and swaying and turning the thermostat up to 100 degrees. I was screeching Ah! Don’t do that!'”

Brett’s house is in a beautiful place – on a hill overlooking the sea. It was dark but all the lights of the houses were trembling in the water. In their house, there were cobwebs strugn up. They had jack o’lanterns in every window and a fire in the fireplace. Furry spiders dangled from doorways. All the lights were off and there were candles everywhere. The radio was blaring Thriller. Atmosphere!

Not many people were there yet. P. was dressed in rags, her face painted white, her hair haywire. Carla and I were just standing in the living room and P. stalked up to us and said to me, “Who are you?” My my. I don’t think I saw her smile once the whole party. For about the first half-hour, I stood in the same position by the same armchair. I was too petrified to move. [David: did you come to this party??] Brett ran upstairs to put his mime makeup on and left me to fend for myself. People started coming. I knew none of them.

But then Joan came. Oh God, she’s cool. She was a miniskirt with a scarf through her hair. Everyone had beers. Joan offered me one, but I guess I wasn’t ready. I felt cold and lonely and alienated. I wished for Beth. Betsy. Mere. J. I wished they were all there with me.

Then this guy came. His name is Marvin. [I LOVE MARVIN!!] He’s one of Brett’s best friends. He graduated last year, and is now in the Looking Glass Theatre company – Marvin is 22/23. He’s a man. [hahaha] I had this really wicked conversation with him. [This was a time when “wicked” could stand on its own as a descriptive term.] Nobody gave a shit that I was in high school. It wasn’t even like they did a double-take. It was just – “Wow! You must be so psyched to have gotten the part of Millie!” I asked him how he liked Looking Glass, and he told me that (wonder of wonders) they’re doing Antigone. I said, “Really! So is my school!” He got so excited. “Really? I’d love to see it! Who are you playing?” “Eurydice.” “Hey! You’re my wife!” So for the rest of the night I called him Creon, he called me Eurydice. He referred to me as his “wife.” “That beggar is my wife.”

He had the most hysterical costume. He slicked his hair straight up and taped a sign on his shirt: “I’M SCARED.” He would stand in a corner, holding his beer, his eyes bugged out, his mouth wide open – with that sign and the hair – Everybody was ROLLING.

People I knew started coming. Liz came. She had been a candidate for Homecoming Queen, but she didn’t get it. So she dressed in this skin-tight spangled dress, with a crown and a banner slung across her that said: Ms. Massengill. She said, “Okay, so I didn’t get to be Homecoming Queen. Instead I get to be Ms. Dousche Bag.” [hahahaha]

I’m learning not to judge people at face value – like Joan. When I first met her, I could feel my dislike for her – for no good reason! She’s great! Now I love her. I love them all. They are all eccentric, funny – cool – They don’t judge me!

Marvin offered me a beer. I don’t know why, I still said No thanks. I mean, it’s not like I look down on drinkers or that I’m a prude – but I guess I wasn’t used to being in a situation where it was like, “No problem, have a beer.” In high school it’s this huge hush hush thing. [Well, except if you’re Amish.] I have just never had the opportunity to drink. I’ve never been to a party like that one before. Never been invited to one. Never drank before. But Diary, when I said “No thanks” to Marvin – it wasn’t a biggie. In high school, it is honestly a big deal: who does/ who doesn’t. I mean, DW asked me twice if I was a “buveur’ – WHO CARES?

At one rehearsal, we came to the part when I have to get drunk and throw up. Kimber asked me, “Have you ever been drunk?” Two unusual things happened. I said, “No.” First of all, I didn’t feel stupid saying that. The reason I’m not invited to parties isn’t because people don’t like me – It’s because — dammit — I’m not a lush. Isn’t that so stupid. “We don’t like you cause you don’t consume alcohol.” And when I said “No” – instead of being confronted with stares of shock – Liz said, “You’re lucky”. And Brett said, “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” It was so cool. Nobody gives a fuck.

Anyways, when I said “No thanks” to Marvin – he said, “There are alternate drinks if you want – Pepsi, Ginger Ale.” [Oh, Marvin. I love you.] So I said sure to that. He was so friendly – like a big huggable teddy bear.

Joanne came. She looked like the Ghost of Christmas Future — [Tracey!!! Oh mygosh!! Sorry!] — black cape, black dress, dark glasses.

Dina came as the Bride of Frankenstein. She painted her hair black and had somehow made it all stand straight up. She has really long hair, past her shoulders – It was STRAIGHT UP. She had on this silky black gown. I like her so much. Later on in the party, we talked for a long time, and it was fun.

Oh, and Dina would randomly start screaming to go with her hair and her costume.

I can talk to these people. I’m happy. I really am.

Then just as a lot of people started showing up, Brett came jumping down the stairs getting all tangled up in the cobwebs. His hair was all slicked back and his face was apinted white with red lips and black marks around his eyes. After he went around saying hi to people, he started back up the stairs, then leaned over the bannister and called my name. He beckoned to me. I walked through the crowds and he said, “Come on — I’ll show you around!”

I’m doing all of this on my own and I have no idea what I am doing. I CAN’T wing it. I am scared to death.

I ducked under the cobwebs and followed him up the stairs. It was really noisy and crowded downstairs, but upstairs it wasn’t as bad. There are three small bedrooms with slanted roofs. One is Joe’s, one is Brett’s, one is Lenny’s. I pretty much only saw Brett’s room. (That sounds terrible).

BUT he has a stereo, and the slanted ceiling is entirely covered with a mammoth poster of the New York skyline at night. [Oh God, I had totally forgotten about that until just now!] It’s right over his bed. When I’m in college, I’d really like to buy or rent a house with a few other people. [Buy??] It seems really fun.

Brett was saying to me in his room, “I don’t know any of the people downstairs!” Carla, Dina, Marvin, Brett and I just sat in his room and talked and told funny stories. Right before they all came up, Brett said, “You want a beer?”

I remember Anne and Laura on that wild summer night last summer telling me that if I drank just to get a little buzz that it might relax me a little. So I said, “Sure.” So off he went running. He looked so hysterical in his makeup. A mime that spoke. Then those other three came up, and perched on his bed – and Brett came back with a beer for me.

I was cool as a cuke. I drank the beer out of my beggar’s tin cup.

Which seemed like a good idea, but the problem was that I couldn’t keep track of how much I had that way. Later on in the night I couldn’t even stand up. Yes, I have now been drunk. But — it was fun! It always used to seem like this sinful gross degenerate thing — but later on, downstairs – everyone started dancing – and I started dancing – and I felt free. I don’t need alcohol to lose my inhibitions – but it was a lot easier. [Ain’t it the truth!] But it was fun. In high school, it seems like people get drunk just to get wasted and throw up. That wasn’t what this was like. I don’t know the reason why I drank but I don’t care so it felt good.

During the summer Brett works with Special Ed kids and he has their pictures on the wall, and all of the presents they made for him on his desk.

Isn’t he perfect? Can you stand it? When I saw the photo of him with his arm around this little boy with glasses who was waving —

I love this guy. And I just met him but that doesn’t matter. I came alive at that party. I loved it.

We all went downstairs later one. SO MANY people were there. Wall to wall.

Joanna was there in a hilarious fairy costume with pink glittery wings. She looked so funny. [Joanna had been stopped by the cops on her way over for some traffic violation. And there she was, at the wheel, with her pink glittery wings and her fairy crown. The cop said something to her like, “Why were you goin’ so fast? Did a bunch of kids lose teeth tonight or somethin’?” Hahahahahaha]

Joanne was dancing by herself so I went over and danced with her. We have to dance together in Picnic too. She’s a very warm person. Very comforting. God, is she talented too. She is such an intense actress.

Eric was there. All in black leather and spikes. I love him too. I swear, I am in love with 5 people right now. There are rumors going about that he is secretly engaged right now. He’s so nice. When he saw me he gave me a hug and said, “Hey, Cutie-pie. I’m glad you’re here.”

I am being ASSAULTED by all of this GOODNESS. It’s hard. It really is. It’s so intense.

They have a screened-in porch overlooking the Bay. It was so beautiful and cool and fresh out there. I could see the water. I was standing out there just looking and enjoying, being happy. Brett was talking to someone in the doorway — this girl — I wish I could remember her name cause she was so so so supernice.

They were talking about makeup kits. I couldn’t help it – but I stood there listening. I looked at Brett. I didn’t mean to stare – as he was talking to her, occasionally he would glance at me and give me this — oh, words fail me — this smile — just a warm real confidential FOND smile. For no reason. I can still see that smile now.

I was always afraid to make eye contact with DW – afraid that he would catch me looking at him. So he’d glance at me and I’d chicken out. But with Brett — the kindess of his smiles made me ache. I couldn’t stand it — to be out on that porch at night – feeling like: This is where I belong.

The painful beauty of the world. The painful beauty of Saturday. That day was achingly painfully beautiful and marvelous.

Then – after that girl (who was so so supernice) meandered away, Brett and I were out on the porch. I was peeking out at the stars and the water, leaning against the wall. And then Brett was standing in front of me, miming for me – He slid along a wall, tried to push the wall out of the way – He looked so different with the makeup on. It made him look very young, very innocent.

Then — you would have had to see him to feel the sweetness of it: He leaned over, and pantomimed that he had gathered something up. He held “it” up to his nose, sniffed, smiled – putting a hand over his heart. Then he handed the invisible flower to me.

I’ve never quite felt the way I did right then. I wanted to cry. It was pure. A pure moment. I wanted to hug him and never ever let go. So I stood there on the dark porch, with the sea-salt in the air, holding the flower – Brett, still playing the mime, smiled at my shyly. I put my hand over my heart, and then held it out to him. It was Me to Him. It was the right thing to do. After our day together. Our friend day. I give you my heart.

Then he came over to me and we HUGGED. He just squeezed my back – I hugged him – alone on the porch.

He got white face makeup all over my sweater’s shoulder. It’s still there. Tee hee!

I have more to tell about the party – and also rehearsals, but I have to go to sleep.

What a week.