Diary Friday – Part III

Last entry for today!! (The other two parts to this particular Diary Friday entry are below this one: Part I, Part II). I can’t create anything original right now. Creative life is happening offline. So!! Diary Friday: the extended version.

NOVEMBER 3 SATURDAY

I still have to finish about the party.

Eventually I had to sit down. Everything looked like it was glowing. My head swam. I never knew what all that felt like before. But I stopped drinking then – and then everything became fun. Nobody really danced because the living room is small – but Marvin and me and Joanna and Brett all dance wildly – doing imitations of Kimber as we danced. Joanna looked so cute, bouncing up and down to the music with her wings. I just had fun.

I sat for a while and talked to Lewis. He was cute. He came as a Puerto Rican and it was killing me. [Wow. That is offensive. And also very very funny.] Then I talked for so long on the couch with this guy – I think his name was Kevin – we talked about acting, ambition, perseverence – deep things and we had just met. Theatre people are so genial. They thrive on such high emotion anyway, so I really felt at home. Especially with my husband, Marvin.

There must be more men out there like Marvin. Millions! [Uhm. Guess again.] I judge my entire social life from high school – that has a population of 800 (400 who are boys, and too many who are under 16 or immature or assholes.) I have found so many wonderful open people! Ohhhh!

[Then there is an ENORMOUS smiley face drawing. The mouth of the smiley face is open.]

[More huge letters across the page:]

DINA, BRETT, JOE, MARVIN, JOANNE

I love them! I really really adore them. I want to invite them all to come see me graduate.

Oh, very scary news: we were measured for our caps and gowns on Thursday. Caps and gowns. It really is a reality. A very SOON reality.

Picnic is also a reality and it’s NOT far away. Oh, and on Wednesday I had a costume fitting. I could hardly believe it was me in the reflection! Seeing two people working to construct three costumes for me … They were pinning material on me, marking, taking notes – I stood stationary, my heart pounding. [Wanna see the end results? Here are my 3 costumes in the show.]

I can’t wait for everyone to see it!

Oh. And today I took the SATs. [hahahaha I love that “Oh”]

Dead silence.

I don’t want to talk about them. They’re over and done with. I did my best. So there.

NOVEMBER 4

I’ve been playing all sorts of psychological games this week. Last Sunday’s rehearsal triggered it – and all this week all these other people have been coming up with interesting games. [I literally have no idea what I am talking about.]

Okay. Joanna drove me home from the party cause Brett passed out. [hahahahahahahahahahahahaha] And at one point during the night – I felt this sort of prickling worry – like, I didn’t want him to drive drunk – but I didn’t want to be stranded … People started leaving and I was sitting on the couch alone, wondering how I was going to get home. Eric came over and sat right beside me, putting his arm around me.

So that’s what it feels like to relax in someone’s arms. I never knew.

He was saying, “If I had a car I’d drive you – don’t worry. We’ll find you a ride.” [Thanks, Eric!!] Eric’s brother came too and I met him. Not many people were left, so Eric and I just sat on the couch talking, his arm around me. His arm felt so strong, so supportive, so warm.

Oh – and that supernice girl who was talking to Brett before came over to me and said, “I know how exhausted you must be but I am trying to find you a ride …” [Who WAS this guardian angel?] Finally, Joanna came over to me and said, “You should have asked me long ago! I’ll give you a ride home!”

When Joanna drove home, she looked SO funny with her wings behind the wheel.

I can’t believe I did this – but I got home at 3:00. My poor mother. Everyone in the car was afraid I’d get in trouble. [hahahahahaha I love all these college kids being so cool with me.] My mother was lying in bed, her eyes wide open. My dad was snoring. [hahahahahahahahahahaha]

I had to go to sleep. My head was pounding. And we had rehearsal on Sunday. Brett and Eric looked horrendous the next day. Tired, pale, unshaven, hair tousled … [Actually, it sounds kind of hot.]

When Brett saw me, he said, “Sheila O’Malley. I am so sorry. I was supposed to give you a ride home. I’m sorry! I passed out!” [Please factor in the fact that he passed out in his MIME MAKEUP. Hilarious.] Of course I said, “Don’t even think about it, Brett.” I mean, he’d be a lot sorrier if he drove me home and drove us over a bridge or into a tree. “I hope you had a good time, anyway,” he said to me, as he huddled in his chair. I said, “I did. Thank you for inviting me. Did you have fun?” He grinned tiredly. “Loads of fun last night. Not so much fun today.” For some reason, Kimber was an hour late, so we all sprawled on the stage and did stretching exercises.

We were all out of it though. We pretty much fooled around. We spelled our names with our butts. [hahahaha Have you ever done that?? Lie on your back, raise your pelvis in the air, and spell your name with your butt.] We did it unison – we did everyone there – and we’d all scream: “Dot the i!” Cause that was a pelvic thrust. It was so hysterical. We were all breathless with laughter. Ss were fun too. Good thing Kimber didn’t walk in in the middle of that.

Then Joanna told us about this game that we decided to play. If you have a group of people, one person leaves and the remaining people people choose somebody in the group to be “It”. Then the person who left comes back and has to ask everyone in the group one question like, “If this person were a color, what color would they be?” or “If this person were a planet, what planet would the be” or whatever. So we played that. Brett was the first one to do the asking, and Liz was IT. Let’s see. She was the color yellow, a sports car, a grape, a rushing stream, the cartoon character Pebbles, and the city Philadelphia. It was so interesting to watch people try to guess. When Eric did the guessing, I was IT. I just sat there holding my breath to hear what I was. It was freaky, watching people think about what animal I would be – what food I would be – Oh, it felt strange.

Let me tell you what I was.

If I were a type of novel, I would be a romantic novel. (from Joanna)

If I were an animal, I would be a sparrow. (From Michele)

If I were a type of wood, I would be teak (From Brett)

If I were a piece of clothing, I would be blue jeans (from Linda)

If I were a type of music, I would be New Wave (from me)

If I were a food, I would be a cracker (from Liz. It was so funny – she said “cracker” with NO hesitation. It came out immediately. “What food would this person –” “Cracker.” Afterwards, she said to me, “My first impulse was cereal, but …”

If I were a stone or a gem or whatever, I would be white gold (from Joan)

And then it came time for Eric to guess – and he said “Either Michelle or Sheila.” Isn’t that amazing?? Everyone yelled, “Which one?” and he said, “Okay -” and he pointed at Michelle and he was assaulted with boos and gong noises. Then he looked at me and said, “Well, when I heard sparrow … that’s what made me think of you.”

On Monday’s reherasal, Joanna had to leave early but I didn’t know that – I guess she asked Brett if he could take me home. So when I came out into the house, Brett, who was in a seat, said, “You’re coming with us.” I said, “I am?” He said, “Yeah — In my car, but Joe is driving.” I asked him if it was really okay. He said No problem!

Joe and Brett sat in front – Joanne and I sat in back. I like her so much. I have crushes on all the girls too! She told me that I was “holding my own” as an actress. I was really flattered because she is a WONDERFUL actress. We dropped her off at her dorm. Then Joe, Brett and I drove off to my house, talking about Kimber. I said from the backseat, “He makes me nervous.” Brett started roaring. They both told me to relax, not to get frustrated. Joe had no idea where I lived so Brett gave him directions. Brett remembered.

The whole way home we had been practicing our accents, so as I got out of the car I said, “Thank you very much” in my accent – and as I climbed out, Brett suddenly said to me, “We love you, you know.” I said, “I love you guys, too.” It just flew out. As I went up the walk, Brett was calling out the window, “I love you!” in a twang.

Today’s rehearsal: Act II. My fun act. My first date, I dance [That’s me dancing with Eric – recognize him??], I get drunk, I scream, I cry, I throw up. We blocked the dancing scene. It took a while so Eric and I just waltzed slowly together, for half an hour, while Kimber blocked the rest of it. It felt so casual, it was weird. He’s so tall, his hands on my back – being touched. When he first sees me in the scene, he runs over to me and hugs me, lifting me off the ground. And Eric is gorgeous, not to mention incredibly nice.

I do not want to forget any of these people and what they have meant to me.

Liz — who makes me laugh. “A cracker”
Joanne – who is warm and deep and kind
Joanna – who I love – I just think she’s great
Joe – who is so funny – his expressions!
Eric – who treats me so gently, calls me “kid”, tousles my hair, and is also hysterical
Jennifer – who is so CUTE and I love her
And Brett — well, I already know I’ll never forget him.

When I throw up in Act II, I have to run into the house – Then Mrs. Potts’ line is “Alan held her head and let her be sick.” So I went tearing off stage, and Brett was back there, sitting on a table – I barreled over to him, and sat next to him. He held my head tight against his shoulder, and I pretended to be sick. We were both laughing. He said, “I’m sorry. But I would never help you throw up. When I see someone barf, I barf myself.” We were clutching at each other, laughing. I kept leaning over the table retching and he would grab my head and I’d hear him start giggling.

The next time I come onstage, Alan leads me on and he has his arm around me. Linda (who plays Mrs. Potts) kept taking me out herself, saying, “Here’s Millie – good as new” – instead of letting the TRUE blocking occur. But Brett knew it was wrong too – because I could hear him start to mildly protest – like, “Wait a sec …” Then Kimber read aloud the correct blocking so we backed through the door and came out again. I love Act II.

On Sunday, me, Liz and Joanna worked in the morning. Then those two had this long scene that couldn’t get right and they worked on it for at least 45 minutes. I still felt like Millie after doing the fight scene when I pull Madge’s hair. I really did. I came offstage and it took me about 10 minutes to calm down. I sat on the floor beside the stairs of the platform. It was my own little corner. I saw Brett walk by – he saw me and we were just whispering – he asked me what they were working on, how long they’d been working. I answered his questions but I didn’t say anything else. I don’t know why. I couldn’t think of an interesting thing to say. So just as he turned to leave, I managed to whisper, “How are you doing?” He turned to smile at me.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand – it’s a phony. I won’t tolerate them and I tell you: I can see them RIGHT away. Brett is so genuine. Even the little things – like the smile there. I wouldn’t have remembered it if there hadn’t been something in it – real, kind, nice, friendly – that’s what he is. Is he for real? Why do men like him exist? Even my happiness hurts now. Everything is so good it hurts.

Brett and I went out into the lounge to talk. We checked the schedule on the bulletin board – we stood there talking. We talked about being insecure. He was saying, “That’s what I’m having trouble with with Alan. His insecurities. I’ve gotten over my personal insecurities – so that’s where I have trouble.” I laughed, “Oh, that’s no problem for me! I haven’t gotten over my personal insecurities so it’s easy to play them!” We both laughed and he squeezed my shoulders. “Well – hopefully this play will get your confidence up where it belongs.”

When I am with him, I don’t become someone I’m not. I don’t act like a flake. I don’t feel like he’s making me feel inferior, or trying to brag. He doesn’t talk down to me. I really hate it when TS does that. I LET TS do it to me, and it makes me angry.

[Ooh. Look at that. A little distance and suddenly I can feel my anger!]

I have to talk to TS. I haven’t seen him in so long. I feel like I’m shriveling up and dying. I am giving my all to everything. Everybody is squeezing as much out of me as they can get. I have rehearsals: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I am in every scene of this play. It’s tiring. Yesterday, I was over at Anne’s house for a while. As we drove into the driveway, a car pulled up – In it were Matt and TS. I haven’t seen or talked to TS since the stupid Sadie Hawkins. So it felt awkward and awful. Anne and I went over to their car as they got out. TS said me and said, “Hey, Sheila. How’s the play going?” [So cold!] I said, “Pretty good. How’s your movie?” And he said, “I’m not gonna start until December.”

Diary – that was it. Oh it was HORRENDOUS. It was like we were strangers. No one can imagine how confused I am. I see Brett every single day and months pass between the times I see TS. It’s been so long since I saw him and I swear to God I don’t have the time to do anything about it. Now all I want is to see him, be with him, talk with him – it’s driving me nuts. I keep seeing the hug again in my mind – [which is so interesting – because now, what with Brett and Eric – hugging me left and right- a hug lost some of its power] I want to get back to that moment with TS in the darkness with the trees around, and SQUEEZE him to me forever. Standing in the driveway at Anne’s house, being all polite and cold, it was hard to believe we had ever shared anything like that. His arms tight around me, the warmth.

I am NEVER home. I do NO homework. I get home at 11:30, my eyes dried up and bloodshot, and I get up at 6:00 am. I look like death. I mope like a drug addict through the halls of high school. Then, at 6:00 pm, I take a shower, run around, eat for the first time all day, change, go over my lines – Then 4 hours of reherasal totally wipes me out. I feel bad for neglecting my diary [Are you fucking KIDDING ME???????] but I don’t have time. I am doing so much.

I am learning so much. And it doesn’t help that I have TS to think about. Wouldn’t you know – GOD – wouldn’t you know – my luck – that I’d get in a play with someone like Brett.

Kate and I were talking about how our situations are similar. She’s still doing the retreat, I’m doing Picnic – 2 different groups of people – and both groups are so much more open than what you get during the day in high school. It’s so much harder to come back into high school after being with these people.

I have this sketch pad as a prop – and every time I open it someone has written in it something new. I never know who does it. Funny little cartoons, messages to Millie – one huge smiley face by Michelle that has “HI MILLIE, I LOVE YOU!” coming out of its mouth in a balloon.

It’s just so open. I mean, lookat me. I felt like I was their friend the first day of rehearsal. High school is so stagnant, and relationships with the opposite sex are so stilted – and people can be so narrow-minded. Kate is going through exactly the same thing. How do you come back to high school after a night with the retreat people or the theatre people? I feel so dissatisfied and empty.

I am exhausted.

Perpetually.

I can almost feel my brain aching.