After the show closes – things get kind of nuts in my life. I had a really hard time adjusting to life “after Picnic”. And so I spent a lot of time playing catch up in the journal and writing about the run of the show. So I could re-live the glory days of, uhm, last week.
DECEMBER 13
Up till yesterday this week has been good, other than being completely exhausted. I’ve kept in touch with Picnic. Monday night, Brett, Joe and I went to see Liz’s play that she directed. Tuesday night a whole bunch of us went roller skating at Ocean Skate (oldies but goodies night – I had a BLAST!) – and yesterday Kimber came to talk to my Drama class – and Joe, Brett, and Liz came along. That was wonderful. [I have no memory of any of that.]
I am so tired. I fell asleep twice in school yesterday – once in Physiology, once in French. I’m home from school today because if I don’t rest I am going to become deathly ill. And this weekend, our Drama class is going to NYC! I’m psyched but I won’t be able to catch up on any sleep this weekend.
So I have 2 1/2 hours alone here now – and last night – It was about 10:30 and I couldn’t even keep my eyes open but I had to study my Physiology. [Hahaha That sounds unintentionally sexual] I know that I am overtired – so that’s part of why I feel overwhelmed – but there was more. A few tears rolled down my cheeks and then suddenly I was burying my head in my pillow and sobbing so hard I thought my heart would crack. And you know why – it’s because Picnic is over. It really hadn’t hit me yet because I’ve still been able to see my buddies – but – we found out on Monday that we aren’t going to New Hampshire – a slap in the face. I mean, for so long every single day was a new adventure because of the rehearsal that night. Nobody but me will ever know how dreadfully I’m going to miss them. I don’t think I’ve ever really missed anyone before. I’m feeling it now. It aches. I feel desolate and bleak. I love them. I feel so alone and lonely and it’s only been a day since I saw them. I have this love for Brett – but it’s a kind of love I cannot explain. It’s almost more than I can bear. It almost feels sacred – too special to touch, too special to write about.
Oh, and let’s come back to the present. On Monday Anne told me, by slip of the tongue, that after the Homecoming Dance, TS said to her, “I don’t want to give Sheila the wrong impression. I don’t want her to think I like her that way.” I could NOT believe it. I was so angry that I couldn’t even express it. I ran out of French to ponder things over in the lav. [Taken just as is – that is a very funny sentence.] What the fuck? If he didn’t want me to get the wrong impression – then why did he give it to me? I mean, he was the one who started the whole thing. Does he think he’s doing me some massive favor by going on dates with me? Fuck him if that’s what he thinks. I used to need him. I am so much more confident with guys now. I am unafraid. I don’t need this shit. I need someone I can talk to. Brett and I have had conversations that make me ache with happiness when I look back on them. But there’s such a happy medium with us. We can be crazy and out of control with laughter – and also serious. It’s all natural. TS doesn’t ever want to be serious, and it wears me out. I get tired of having to be jokey and on all the time. Of never getting serious.
So anyway. I am so pissed. I have been pissed since the Homecoming Game, actually. So on Monday I went home and called him. He wasn’t there. So I left a message. Then he called me back and I think he knew somehow. I think he knew that I had called him about something serious because – I could just tell. Like he was saying hi and everything but he was also just waiting for me to start. So I said, “Hi – I have got to talk to you.” I blundered around for a second and finally I just spit it out. I said, “I heard from someone that you said you don’t want me to get the wrong impression – and – well – what the fuck?” We then had a very confusing conversaion. Nothing was straightened out in my mind. He was so nice about it that I found myself not telling him all the things about him that make me angry. He said, “I like being buddies with you – I don’t want that spoiled.” Okay, fine, whatever. Let’s be buddies then. But why did he start the whole thing? It’s too far along now to just fizzle it out? I mean – during the summer – it could have – but now? Come on.
[Obviously I still had a ways to go in expressing what was going on with me. Because now? I would have annhiliated this dude. I would have left him a smoking pile of shame-faced rubble. I actually probably – if someone treated me like this now – wouldn’t even confront it. I would just totally disappear from his life, with not a word of explanation. Never return phone calls or emails, etc. A brutal disappearance. I’m not saying that this is progress, by the way, but I must speak the truth here, and this is what I would do. I would never be derailed now by someone’s “nice”ness after a rejection like that. Nice shmice. You’ve been playing games with me and you will PAY.]
DECEMBER 17
I have had a breakdown. A long overdue breakdown.
When I was in Picnic and had 5 million things to do at the same time, they always got done. My grades have never been that good. I’ve never been that happy. But now suddenly I have free time and everything is overwhelming me so much. Homework, work, applications, essays, money. [God, this is still the same way with me. I do better with handling stuff when I’m really busy]
When I was in Picnic, rehearsals and shows and those people – those were what made me high – no matter what, I would come out floating. Now I haven’t seen them for 4 days and I feel totally lost. It’s like I need them. I need them to get in touch again – make me feel real again. [Oh boy]
I miss them. No one will know how much. God. I miss them.
Last Friday Kate’s grandmother died – I felt so so awful – I’ve seen it coming but still, it’s so painful. This weekend we all went to NYC (it was a blast – the hotel didn’t know we were minors and sent 2 complementary bottles of champagne to our rooms – we had so much fun!) [There are SO many inappropriate stories aobut our drama class trips to New York … I need to write a huge post on those trips, with pictures.] And today, I am drained. Exhausted. Shuffling. We got home at 11:30. My eyes are swollen.
Today was the funeral at 10:00. Betsy brought the car so after 2nd period we all left for it – Me, Betsy, J and Mere – I was glad to be going there for Kate. She doesn’t cry and she always says, “I’m fine.” The funeral was at Christ the King. I don’t know what I was expecting – I’ve never been to a funeral outside my own family before.
Kate did a reading – her favorite one. That was when I started crying. She is so brave. She went up there – “If God be for us, who can be against us?” – and she started crying – up at the podium – the four of us sitting there all broke down – I remember seeing J. put her hands up over her face. Kate lost control and Father Creedon walked over to her, and hugged her – and I heard her whisper, “I want to do it!” And by God, she did – in the strongest voice – it was absolutely amazing. The love in that church.
“For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” – and after it – she said in the strongest most firm voice: “This is the word of the Lord.” Words can’t express it. We were all wrecks.
Father Chew gave a beautiful sermon and Mr. D read the eulogy. He started to cry – Betsy reached over to me and we just squeezed hands through the whole thing. So many people came for support. Beth’s parents – Humanity is wonderful. I’ve been really lucky with my group of friends.
The last song was “Be not afraid” – Hearing Betsy’s pure crystal voice in my ears – Meredith was a mess. None of us even knew Kate’s grandmother that well – but we all were just wrecks. All of her friends were there – and looking at them made me cry. This old old man with real pain in his eyes and tears on his face. It was horrible. Grief.
After the mass, we were all shook up – we went up to Kate’s dad and hugged him – He said, “She went out in style. She had a long fulfilled life.”
At the very end of the mass, the sun came out and flooded in all the windows. I just nudged Betsy, we looked at each other. It was beautiful.
I felt shy with Kate. Betsy went right over to her and gave her a big hug – but I felt shy. J. was shaking with sobs – I held onto her – and Mere and I then hugged, and we both were just crying. [Wow – the intensity of this – I don’t really remember this either!]
We finally went back to school after having a makeshift lunch at Betsy’s.
[Look out – there’s no segue here at all]
Closing Night was so special. What a beautiful memory. Purely wonderful. A beautiful way to end Picnic. It was such a LONG night too – I fell asleep at 5:00 am Sunday morning. I had bought cards for everybody and I wrote them all at home – It was hard. It took me so long. It was like caritas. When I came to Brett’s card, I sat there staring at the card for half an hour, blankly. Finally I just wrote – Honesty. I can’t even remember what I said really, but I meant it. I thanked him for making me feel so totally welcome from Day One. I told him how comfortable I felt with him and how I felt like he was becoming one of my best friends. And he is.
Oh, and Brett constantly says to people, “I love you —” then adds – “But not that much.” It’s a joke. After the Tuesday show when we all went to Del Mor’s, we were getting ready to leave and he hugged me from behind really tight and said, “God, I missed you yesterday! I really did!” I snuggled my head against his arm around my neck and he said, “I love you …… but not that much.” I sort of hit his arm and said, “Don’t do that to me!” and we both burst into hysterics. Then he put his arm around me and we walked out of Del Mor’s together and he said, “You know I don’t goof on anyone I don’t care about.”
I actually just called his house today because – God. I just want to talk with him! But he wasn’t home. Only Lenny was. He said to me, “You know, Sheila – you won’t be seeing us for about 5 weeks now.” Thanks, Len.
I just don’t want to have to deal with things now. I have to go Christmas shopping. I have no money.
I need to catch up on all of Picnic. It’s just that it’s such a lovely memory [Uhm – it just ended last week] that I still haven’t gotten over feeling good about it.
I remember the “make-shift lunch” at my house because we all had permission to leave school for the funeral, but that was all. We all felt like we were breaking major rules by not reporting straight back to school. We were such geeks! I remember Mere and I cut out of school early one time, and it was during an assembly (or something like that) – such rebels!
That’s right! Didn’t we make scrambled eggs at your house? That just came to me.
Oooooh, rebellious girls. Having scrambled eggs in the middle of the day at a priest’s house.
You and Mere actually cut class? Wow. And Mr. Klaiman didn’t give you the big wave??
It was the end of our senior year, there was a last period assembly, and Mere and I took off and went to her house. I’m sure Mr. Klaiman was watching us saying, “it’s about damn time”.
My mother gave me 5 copies of a picture of us from Beth’s deck a few weeks ago. Of course Mary B. wanted one for each of us – I’ll send them off ASAP.
// I’m sure Mr. Klaiman was watching us saying, “it’s about damn time”.//
hahahahahahahaha Totally!!
//”I would just totally disappear from his life, with not a word of explanation. Never return phone calls or emails, etc. A brutal disappearance.”//
What a great definition, “a brutal disappearance”. I did exactly that once. I had been brutally rejected by this guy and my reflex reaction was to just disappear. I always thought that maybe I had been childish or immature, because I kept up this huge wall while he was making a show of being “nice” about talking things over. I felt that there were no words that could save the situation or reduce the cruelty of his rejection.
Also, I wanted to make the guy PAY, as you said; what I’ll never know is whether he gave a crap one way or the other. But at least I was preserved from all his rhetorical bulls**t and condescending stupidity. That’s got to be worth something!!! hehehehe ;)
Anyways, thanks for this new entry, I am enjoying your teenage diary a lot… it’s one of my favorite sections in your blog.
Ceci – Yeah, that’s the problem is that you don’t know if he actually IS “paying”. But that’s okay. Just keep walking, and don’t look back. heh heh At that point, it’s about YOU not him.
I don’t do this with every guy I break up with – mainly because I’ve had mostly good experiences with them. I pick nice guys. But one or two of ’em messed with my head – and I vanished from their lives in a POOF OF SMOKE. NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
I found a kind of grim pleasure during my disappearing acts.
I’m not a well woman. But I’m okay with that. :)
“[Look out – there’s no segue here at all]”
No segue, but I see the connection between your memories of the funeral and Closing Night. Seems natural to me that teenage Sheila would turn immediately from the one to the other without pause.
Sheila,
You’re right, there’s no way of knowing whether our disappearance did anything to the guy in question; in my case I think he just dismissed my behavior as childish or too “sensitive”. But whatever, dismiss what you like, at that moment it was really all about ME, as you said.
And yes, I forgot to mention the part of the “grim pleasure”, hahaha!! Maybe I’m not a well woman either, but I don’t care!!
/So anyway. I am so pissed./
Like, “in case you forgot — back to what I was saying just 2 seconds ago, Diary …”
Hahahahahahaha!
tracey – hahahah Yup! Back to business!
Also – just how I’m talking about the events of a week before in this longing tone, as though I’m nostalgic for the days of ancient Greece or something.
It was LAST WEEK.
Betsy, we were so bad-ass cutting school like that. I remember that funeral vividly. Heart wrenching.
I member that one, too. It was so, so cold out. That was our first time ever having to handle something like that together, wasn’t it?? We were good to each other. We deserved way better than scrambled eggs. At least some bacon, dammit.
Beth – I remember you being there and I have no idea why I didn’t name you! There are many mysteries like that in these journals. And yeah – I think that was the first big heavy thing we all had to deal with. We’ve had many since then, huh??
yes…badass – I think that is how we are remembered by our classmates. he he
I think I sat with my parents, so that is probably why I wasn’t mentioned. And don’t forget, so many times I was in and out of the loop cause I was hanging with Regina and the girls soccer team and whatnot. No harm/no foul. I’m kinda like poison ivy- I keep coming back- ha ha!!