Okay – so awhile ago – somehow I mentioned my disdain for what I call “backrub boys”. I think it was in the comments section to some post … and a huge discussion ensued about “backrub boys” and what they are, and who they are, and why girls hate them so much.
And now – Patrick Hughes – funniest writer on the Web – has come out with his latest – basically describing the trauma of seeing Burnt Offerings as a kid … but within his essay – he PERFECTLY DESCRIBES the NASTINESS of the “backrub boy”.
He gets it! He knows EXACTLY what I am talking about!! And a couple of readers here got a bit defensive during MY talking about “backrub boys” … which just tells me that they are, themselves, “backrub boys” … So I read Patrick’s latest and just laughed out loud in triumph and glee!!
Here’s the pertinent excerpt – but please: go read the whole thing!!!
Anyway, the movie Burnt Offerings was invented in 1976 in order to traumatize sensitive young innocent children such as myself. I was seven years old that year, an age that, like the Puerto Rican incident and her marriage to my pop, also fell into Moms pre-sapphic era. This isnt really significant for any specifically lesbionic reasons or anything, but Moms lifestyle was pretty different before the switcheroo, so in those days I would get stuck with babysitters a lot while Mom did her single thing, working and partying it up all weekend with terrible Doug Henning-type righteous 70s dudes.
I suspect it was my early exposure to these dudes that resulted in a lifelong aversion to Doug Henning, whole wheat bread, mustaches, mellow vibes, magic tricks, jam sessions, rainbow suspenders, natural fibers, music with flutes, turquoise jewelry, Steely Dan albums and sandals, although I must admit for a brief period (the 1980s) I did enjoy their marijuana a great deal.
God damn, come to think of it, fuck Doug Henning-type mellow 70s dudes. Fuck their Dan Fogelberg 8-tracks, fuck earth tones, fuck tasty guitar licks, fuck that Jonathan Livingston Seagull book and fuck all that running free with the wind on the beach at sunset jive. Ladies, dont be taken in by the friendly relaxing backrubs of the Doug Henning-type dude. These backrubs are not really meant to relax you as much as just relax your pussy armor, ugh.
AMEN.
But can we also just take a moment to revel in how funny his writing is. The “jam sessions” being included … it’s just perfect. I love him.
Warning: Huge creepy photo of Doug Henning in that post. I can barely look at it without shivering in the shame that only a child who grew up in the 1970s can feel.
Doug Henning might just be more disturbing than the chauffeur.
Yeah – but that chauffeur is pretty awful, isn’t he? Not as bad as the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang … but then again: what is??
The chauffeur is definitely creepy, as is the Child Catcher. I’d put it out there that if you happen to be in the company of either, you’re probably not having a great, big sunshiney day.
I guess I shouldn’t admit to actually liking orange juice on my Fruity Pepples then (the shit you had to do in the 70s when you were allergic to milk)…
hahahahahahahaha
“Pepples” hahaha. Moron.
Actually, that was High School.
The 70s were all-Qwisp, all the time.
Man, am I ever bummed I missed the whole ‘backrub boys’ conversation.
Dan – hahahahaha It had nothing to do with the post at hand … so I have no idea where it is!!
I can pretty much spot a Backrub Boy from 50 feet away.
So what IS a backrub boy? Is it that dude who pretends to be all sensitive and understanding and go-ahead-and-cry-on-my-shoulder-cause-I’m-your-friend, in order to get over on a woman?
Cos, if it is, I hate those guys.
Dan – yeah. It’s guys who pretend to be sensitive – and like they notice you’re tense … and so they say, “You look tense … want a backrub?” But – it’s not an altruistic backrub. They are doing it to cop a feel. Basically. And so it ends up skeezing you out because … it’s not a PURE backrub … You can FEEL it. They are USING the backrub as a way to touch you … I thought it was only a phenomenon with actor geeks, and guys who adore Renaissance Fairs, but comes to find out it is a much more widepsread issue.
Also – it would NEVER be guys I was interested in. And they knew it … but they thought that since we all were in the Drama Department together, that there should be some “communal” experience … so a backrub that is offered should be accepted.
But … to me … a backrub (espeically if it’s gonna be a romantic experience) needs to happen between me and – duh – someone I feel romantically about.
Ew.
Makes my skin crawl!!
Doug Henning – get off me!
The power of the backrub should not be abused.
Thankfully there does not appear to be a female equivalent of the backrub.
Dan – member that scene in Pulp Fiction when Travolta and Jackson are going back and forth about foot massages and whether or not they mean anything?
I loved that!!
To me – a backrub actually MEANS something. So some dude who I have no interest in suddenly saying, “you look tense” and rubbing my neck … without me asking … is totally creepy.
Let me be clear: in my experience, Backrub Boys are exactly what Patrick Hughes describes: “sensitive” Doug Henning types – maybe not attractive – but who assume that because I also am an artist-type – that I will LOVE their sensitivity and their creepy crawly hands on my neck.
I need to write an essay about Backrub Boys. I believe it is a deep well of inspiration for me to draw from.
The kind of guys who like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yeeech.
The backrub guy phenomenon IS widespread – but I SWEAR that Renaissance Fair obsessed guys and the actor geeks will try to do this 9 times out of 10. Someone somewhere started a rumor among young men in the 70’s that if they give a girl a backrub she will A) suddenly realize that she wants to have sex with you and B) at least let you feel her up if sex isn’t an option. That person should be shot.
I have a violent, burning kind of hate for backrub guys because when I was 16 and dumb (same thing, I suppose), I agreed to a few “backrubs” that ended with me smacking the guy in the face.
My rule of thumb is: if a man asks if I want a backrub (and we’re not in a serious relationship), I never speak to him again.
Marisa – hahahahaha those damn Ren Fair guys!!! It’s just so true that they are the main Backrub Offenders.
Get your hands off my back. I didn’t ask for a backrub. I will never date you. You’re just doing this because you know I will never date you and you assume that because I’m an actress, I will have a giving and loving and New Age-y spirit, and will be like: Free love, man, yeah, whatever, backrubs galore!! I do not have a giving or loving or New Age-y spirit – at least not indiscriminately! And so you are seriously mistaken, “m’lord”, in your assumption.
Oh, and please clip your toenails. Thank you.
you guys just wait until you get a load of my front-rub.
awwww yeah.
/Oh, and please clip your toenails. Thank you./
Hahahahahahaha!!!
tracey – I KNOW you know the type!! hahahaha
Well, I have different reasons for hating Steely Dan…not because of backrub guys…but I think you pretty much encapsulated it with “I can barely look at it without shivering in the shame that only a child who grew up in the 1970s can feel.”
Oh GAWD do I know what that means.
Why cant we get these youngin’s born after 1980 to understand??!!
Now just hold on there a cotton pickin’ minute, back rub boy in public, brb in the living room, brb on the beach, brb in the mall, brb anywhere at a party, brb on the steps of your beach house he’s a perv but…one on one in your bedroom or his is legitimate foreplay ’cause you both know where it’s going.
colin – I already said that. Go back and read my comments. I said nothing about foreplay, or legitimate romantic backrubs with a boyfriend or husband or lover. I am talking about unasked for backrubs – unwanted backrubs.
But hey, I know I made myself clear. Everybody else here seemed to get it.
“/Oh, and please clip your toenails. Thank you./
Hahahahahahaha!!!”
I would argue that the only thing worse than unclipped toenails is a pedicure better than mine.
//you guys just wait until you get a load of my front-rub//
HAHAHAHA!!! Sounds promising! ;)
You are not wrong.
I don’t know that there’s strictly a female equivalent of the backrub boy (because, partly, I think a woman who throws herself at men with a certain amount of erotic bravado is going to be, nine times out of ten, welcomed with open arms).
But.
There is a species of female that have some brb characteristics. I refer to them as The Women Who Would Hug The World.
It’s not really a sexual thing with them (though maybe for some it is). But they think that all of the world’s ills – all of a person’s ills – can be cured by just a big bear hug.
and that the appropriate greeting, even if you last saw them 10 minutes ago, is a big bear hug.
and the appropriate greeting under “professional” circumstances (like at serious meetings) is a big bear hug.
And that the appropriate response to sensing sadness, anger, elation, frustration, whatever emotion, in someone, is a big bear hug.
Don’t get me wrong – hugs have their time and their place. But these ladies NEVER ask if you need a hug, they never give you the option of somehow evading their entrance into your personal space. And I have problems with that, because I have personal-space issues that rival those of Adrian Monk.
And I am a scientist. We shake hands at professional meetings. Okay, maybe, if it’s your long-lost grad-school lab mate that you thought of like a sister or brother, then a hug is okay…but not if it’s someone you work with on a daily basis! Not if it’s someone you barely know!
And, not to be all prejudicial and crap, but these Women Who Would Hug The World tend to be of the, ah, shall we say, more CUSHIONY persuasion? So you kind of feel like you’re being suffocated at the same time as your personal space is being violated?
ricki – hahahaha I know just the type you mean!!!
I guess I’m not big on being touched by strangers – period.
At least with the bear-hug phenomenon – it’s not some sort of fucked-up one-sided foreplay. (Or – uhm – who am I to say … maybe it is???)
Goddamn Doug Henning…. I just figured out that HE is the reason I fucking hate magicians. All that “It’s a world of whimsy and illusion!” crap. No, it’s not! It’s just a damn trick! Shut up!
Of course, this does make Gob Bluth much more funny for me. I can’t hear “The Final Countdown” without giggling like a maniac.
P.S. Penn & Teller are exempt from my hatred, since they don’t do any of that “it’s an illusion” bullshit.
I like to think of Penn and Teller as the “anti-Doug Henning.”
but yeah, he kind of messed with my head, too, when I was a child. The hair and the teeth…they still make me shudder. Get a haircut and a retainer, dude…
I have it!!!! I know what the female equivalent is!
The No Gag Relfex Girl – the girl who insists on “impressing” everyone when she’s at a party, with a group in a restaurant, at a bar, etc. by shoving a 7 inch pickle spear or some equivalent food item down her throat. The girl who wants to make sure she is perceived as a Catch because of her impressive abilities.
I don’t think that doing this once (as some perfectly nice women have) when amongst close friends makes you No Gag Reflex Girl. NGR Girl is the girl who considers this her official party trick and a sure-fire hit with the guys. It’s like taping a sign to her forehead that says “Easy” but slightly more subtle.
Wow. I’ve met some NGRs. I just never knew how to put her into words – you’ve kind of nailed it.
I still think Backrub Boy stands alone – because it’s kind of a control thing over a specific individual.
“Hi … you look tense … wnat me to rub your neck??” Or worse: they don’t even ask. They assume that (in my case) because you’re an actress you won’t mind being touched by a stranger. She’s an actress, she must be free and easy with her body!
Think again, jagoff.