… when you and your group of friends close Planet Hollywood. Planet Hollywood.
… when the waitress has to come up to your table, (a table which is, by the way, surrounded by M*A*S*H memorabilia, with Herbie the Love Bug screaming down at you from the ceiling on his suspension wire) … and say gently, “Uhm … last call, guys …” Last call at Planet Hollywood.
… when you look around and realize that you are the last people in Planet Hollywood …
We didn’t move to a better venue, a quieter venue (sheesh – the noise in that joint) a cheaper venue (two cocktails cost $17.34. Strangest price ever for two drinks. $17.34???) … we stayed in Planet Hollywood because that’s where the screening was (of this movie – directed by someone I knew peripherally – a really good friend of Bill, David, etc.). We saw the movie, then we just … flat out did not leave. For hours. We hung out in the bar area, crowded in on all sides by headless mannequins wearing nurse outfits from some famous movie, a dress worn by Vivien Leigh in blah blah blah … Weird. The whole place is just TOO MUCH. Televisions going everywhere, strange music playing, football games on in the bar, swirling lights, cars driving down the walls, etc. etc. And two gin and tonics cost $17.34.
So much fun though. It was SUCH a fun night. Met some nice new people, reconnected with some people I knew once upon a time – all of them just sweet, nice, funny, friendly, good conversationalists …
My friend Bill was wearing a soft brown vest. Comment made by someone at the table: “Love the whole Ewok look you got goin’ on.”
Had a good conversation with Bill about Paul Ekman. Faces, facial expressions, the clues of lying, the facial give-aways of dishonesty … cultural? Learned? Great stuff.
Also a good conversation about Ted Williams, and other atheletic geniuses and how they do what they do … and what their perception is of their own gifts … (you know, like Ted Williams saying that it seemed like the ball slowed down as it came towards the plate, etc.)
Talked about the Queensboro Bridge.
We talked about Grey Gardens.
We talked about the movie we had seen (in the private screening room at Planet Hollywood – which is actually a really nice venue – purple velvet walls, nice and big, it was cool) – how it was shot – how they did a lot of it – I had a couple friends in it (David, Bob) – and of course they both were there – so it was really fun to hear from Scott and all of them some of the independent-guerrilla-filmmaker stories. How’d they get the cop cars? How did they do the shot out the back of the moving UHaul? How’d he cast the thing (shot entirely in Omaha)? Etc.
Larry wouldn’t let me pay for my share of the HUGE amount of alcohol I had partaken in. I was horrified. I kept shoving money at him, and he was getting pissed off (I mean, not really – just very firm, like: “Put that away”) – but trying to be polite – and then I said, “Is this making you feel bad right now?” (Meaning: me trying to pay.) Larry said, honestly, ‘Yeah, I feel a little bit dirty at the moment.” I’m still cackling about that. It was a perfect moment. It’s like we created it together. I mean, he meant it – but he just went there in the humor of the moment. I love that quickness, that … I guess I would call it sensitivity to what is going on in the moment. It was a ba-dum-CHING moment. I supplied the “ba-dum” and he was right there with the “CHING” and I love it when that happens. We both just started guffawing – and no, I didn’t pay. Not after he made himself so clear!!
It was an awesome night. So much fun!!
“Oh my God, you guys, do you realize that we are closing Planet Hollywood right now?”
“I have lived in New York for 10 years, I’ve never been here.”
“I will never come here again.”
“Me neither.”
We walked down the three flights of stairs to get to the street – with Jimmy Stewart’s hand-prints hanging on the wall – and displays of rifles with the movie-name on a gold plaque below each one “From Russia with Love” “Octopussy”, etc. – and collages of various awards shows, with glittery stars from past and present … but we were now the only people in the entire joint. It was surreal.
It was ALMOST like the night the two kids spend in the Metropolitan Museum in Mixed-Up Files … it had a bit of that feel to it … When we all had converged on the place (smack in the middle of Times Square) – it was 7 pm – so … the streets outside were literally a melee of chaos, a mania of crowds, a throng of humanity, a potpourri of overcrowding … Times Square is a nightmare for a person like myself who gets a bit anxious in crowds. I avoid that place as much as I can, except when I’m going to a show. And when we emerged – it was 12:45 am and a whole different place. The streets were nearly empty now. The grills were already pulled down over the Planet Hollywood windows, and we all had to duck under the grill to exit onto the street. Taxis careen by up and down – but the melee is done. Now we’re moving into nighttime. The city doesn’t sleep, it is true, but it does indeed settle down. One of my favorite things about being in Times Square when it is empty of people – is that all of the billboards and lights are still going. It’s just fantastical – almost futuristic – you look around and think: Good lord, this place is just … overwhelming. And beautiful in a kind of aloof and magnificent way. When the streets are crowded – I get overwhelmed by all the stimuli – because even just getting from 44th to 45th is sometimes a 20 minute extravaganza due to the crowds … and so the flashing glittering moving undulating WALLS of light over my head become too much for me to handle. I block them out. But last night, it was just beautiful.
The great thing was that we all felt that way. We all just had a moment of reveling in the weirdness of Times Square at that hour … and as we crossed the main street – Scott held up his camera phone and got a very funny and blurry picture of all of us in an Abbey Road type formation on the crosswalk. The empty avenues whizzing off into the distance behind us.
Hahaha…oh, the shame! I absolutely hate those themed restaurants like The Hard Rock Cafe. The food is mediocre and over-priced. The drinks are usually weak and they always seem to have the kind of wait staff that has to pull that “buddy” shit on you. You know, the kind where they act like they’re your best friend. Look, I know they’re people like everyone else and I’m always friendly and cordial with waiters and waitresses, but give me a break. I came here for food, not to get to know the people who work there intimately. Can you please just bring me my cheeseburger already? And don’t sing when you do it, either because I might just have to kick your ass if you do.
It was so bizarre – we would never have chosen to hang out there if we hadn’t already been there.
I actually found the staff rather intimidating – they all had headsets on, talking to each other, and were trying to keep us all in order – and they were very firm with us: “You can wait right HERE for the screening to start …” It was like a movie set or something.
Oh – and when I arrived – it was about 10 to 7. I had no idea where the screening room was – the screening started at 7. So I said to the scary hostess: ‘Where is the screening room?’ She looked at me and said, “It doesn’t start until 7.”
Uhm … yeah. And it’s 10 to 7 … so as far as I’m concerned, I’m right on time. What – when it becomes 7 ON THE DOT you’re gonna hustle us across the restaurant to the screening room??
But she said it as though it were 3 in the afternoon and I OBVIOUSLY had the wrong time.
Apparently, she did it to all of us. We bonded about it later, as we sat clustered at the freakin’ bar. I said, “I’m so terrified of that hostess.” Some other person said, “Yeah – she said to me when I got here at about 5 of, ‘The screening doesn’t start til 7.’ Yeah, I know, lady – and it’s almost 7 so tell me where I need to go!!”
Scary boss Planet Hollywood lady!!
Oh, that sounds like the opposite side of the coin – people who work in high profile restaurants or places holding an event of some kind that treat you like you should feel blessed that they allowed you to walk through their doors to give them your money. It’s why I rarely go to the trendier or famous clubs in L.A. anymore. I don’t need to be treated like it’s a privilege to have the bartender pour me an $8.00 glass of whiskey that I waited twenty minutes for.
And why in the world do they wear headsets? As if “the milkshake for table seven is ready” is something you must BROADCAST immediately. They do that at the local Old Navy store, too. Like, what are they waiting for? An emergency folding crisis in the sweaters department? Come STAT? No time to lose?
//As if “the milkshake for table seven is ready” is something you must BROADCAST immediately. //
HAHAHAHA
Also – it’s strictly a G-rated crowd eating there – so to get hammered in that atmosphere, with rifles from Octopussy pointing at you …
We were like: where the HELL ARE WE???
Hahaha. Or like at the Hard Rock Cafe, where you can be sitting an innocently eating your dinner salad and look up and see one of Madonna’s pointy bras from the “Vogue” video or the wife beater t-shirt that the singer from Poison wore on their “Sluts Cometh” tour or whatever…god, I HATE those places. They are so gimmicky. “Here is a guitar that Eddie Van Halen touched for five minutes.” So what? Yawn.
hahaha Poison!!!
yes – to me the whole place is just a headache! Why should i fall over dead with joy at seeing a REPLICA of Harrison Ford’s handprints?
There’s got to be a gimmick, because people aren’t going there for the food!! I imagine it stays open at least in that spot because it’s an overwhelming tourist-heavy spot – and it’s easier to not have to think about where to go. It’s the path of least resistance.
But still. headache!!
Planet Hollywood looks like a total moneydrain. Like – it wasn’t packed enough to justify the brou-haha of the decor.
There’s a joint in NYC (not sure if it’s a chain?) called Jekyll and Hyde – it’s a theme restaurant – and even though I hate those places as well there’s something cool about J & H because:
1. they hire actors as waiters – and I know a ton of people who have joined Actor’s Equity from having worked at freakin’ Jekyll and Hyde. So that’s a big deal. It’s a UNION job. Which just makes such a difference in our little actor lives here.
2. the waiters make a shitload of money – so it’s worth it to them to go thru the hell of just getting hired at the joint (apparently the application process is ridiculous – you have to “shadow” another waiter for three weeks – three unpaid weeks – before they decide if you’re cut out for it. !!!) However: it ends up being worth it because some of those waiters only have to work 3 or 4 nights a week, the money is that good.
But Planet Hollywood? The joint was NOT jumping – even though it is right in the middle of Times Square – and it looks like it’s expensive to just turn the damn lights on.
Sheila,
They actually filed for bankruptcy protection about five years ago. I think they were around $250 million in the hole. They must have really overestimated the appeal and novelty of the idea.
Remember “Fashion Cafe”? The one that Claudia Schiffer and I think Christy Turlington and some other model I can’t remember openend? (what did they serve? Rice cakes, carrots and water?) I’m pretty sure that one went under. Um, like who’s going to pay to sit and eat at a place with the memorabilia of models? “And here we have the tube of lipstick Cindy Crawford used for her last Revlon campaign.” Seriously people. Most of us aren’t half as interested in you as you are in yourself.
Ive never been to Planet Hollywood. Im not saying that to sound haughty like when people say, Ive never watched Friends! I dont even own a television. Its just that when I go out to eat I want to be waited on quickly and politely and then be left the hell alone. Plus, themed restaurants are so depressing because they are supposed to be providing an experience and I think maybe Im just too cynical to allow them to work their magic on me. Its like, yeah, lovely setting, but I know this was all conjured up by some jaggoff (Im borrowing one of your favorite words) in an office park in Wauwatosa.
Your post has also brought up something that has preyed on my mind ever since Anthony Hopkins mentioned it when he played C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands. That is, how do you refer to more than one gin and tonic? Is it gin and tonics? Or is it gins and tonic? Maybe gins and tonics? Gah!
Yeah, I remember reading about Planet Hollywood’s problems, come to think of it! It certainly doesn’t surprise me.
It’s not ENOUGH of a theme park experience – it’s too cheesy, and replicated ad nauseum. I love relics from movies, I love to see the real dress that so and so wore during her famous scene – but there are plenty of actual, you know, museums where you can see that stuff. Not in that 3-ring-circus headache atmosphere.
HOWEVER: last night was a freakin’ blast. And part of why it was so fun and so funny because of where we were.
“Uhm, don’t look now but here comes Greased Lightning.”
“Hey! I don’t remember that rifle!”
“Were Greta Garbo’s feet really that small?”
“Where the fuck are we??”
Patrick –
Okay – there used to be a themed restaurant in New York (New Yorkers, is it still there?) called Mars 2112 I believe … and it was futuristic, and aliens waited on you and stuff like that. Dumb. Geared towards kids and tourist parents trying to give their kid a treat before the matinee of Beauty and the Beast or whatever. It was a bit up Broadway – across from the Winter Garden – so it wasn’t REALLY in the hub – and also – it was underneath a building – you had to walk down these steps into this huge open plaza and Mars 2112 was down there.
Horrible location, first of all. The restaurant had to send actors in martian costumes up onto the sidewalk above – and be all creepy and alien-y to try to get people to come down into the restaurant. haahaha Poor actors. I love those peeople.
But it just all looked so grim and … overpriced and … boring, actually.
I actually should go in there if it still exists and come back with a full report.
And yeah – I know what you mean. “Magic” for me is not an assault like that, it never works on me in such a hectic environment.
Ok. You all missed the Hard Rock Cafe Belfast. (Which is now a Titanic themed restaurant if that is still open). Let me tell you. The food, for an American who actually wanted a SALAD when she ordered a salad and not a fistful of shredded lettuce topped by a slice of tomato and some mary rose sauce if you’re lucky, the food was fan-fucking-tastic. Total American decent restaurant food. Buffalo strips with ranch dressing? Hell yes. So I nail my colors the the mast and say, I ate at the Hard Rock and not only that, I went back as often as I could.
But I hated the decor and the music. God, who in their right mind goes to the Hard Rock Cafe for the food?? Jesus.
But, Emily, you might have liked it, given your description above, cause the service was most certainly not of the ‘buddy’ kind. Imagine if you will an American themed restaurant staffed by a bunch of Belfast younguns who wouldn’t know customer service if it bit them on the ass – no, they won’t sing unless you’re buying. So there woulda been the rough with the overblown-ness that might have appealed.
Then again.
But now the only place I have to go to get my fix of home is either Starbucks or the Warner Movie theater. I haven’t had a decent salad in years.
Oh, and yeah, the restaurant tanked.
hahahahaha Nail your colors proudly!
I love the customer service in Belfast image. hahaha
And I can totally imagine that getting a salad with, like, real PRODUCE, and stuff like LETTUCE would be SUCH a relief! I’ve had “salads” in Ireland. I know the horror of which you speak!!
Carrie,
I suppose the taste of home must have been nice. I remember Newt talking about the Hard Rock Cafe in Belfast years ago…I don’t know what brought it up. I just remember having a really hard time picturing a Hard Rock there.
I’m having an even harder time imagining the Belfast waiters. “Yousuns woin soup oh da salad wi’ da?”
The Hard Rock Cafe brought you a salad in a bowl. And not just a bowl, but a big frigging salad bowl, wide enough around to stick a basketball in and pretend it was an egg. With dressing! All kinds! As much as you wanted! Oh. my. god. I have missed salads so much here I don’t even make them for myself anymore, that’s how sad it is. So it was always a struggle, sitting at the faux black granite polished tabletop underneath Bono’s cowboy hat and an genuine autographed photo of Frances Black, Bruce Springsteen straining about how he was “Born in the USA” blaring loudly from the speakers which I always seem to get sat under, looking at the 16 page menu and trying to narrow down the choices between the salad of my dreams or, pinch me, an honest to goodness stacked as high as my shoulder order of nachoes that didn’t come in a bowl, or maybe just throw caution to the wind and order both? The worst part was that because I was in Belfast debating this in my head, I had plenty of time to weigh the pros and cons of either and vaciliate between whatever choice I thought I made, as the service was crap. You get seated, and you are the only customer in the joint, and apparently the staff have decided that it’s better to hang out in the kitchen and wait for the real customers to arrive once they drop you under the speakers.
“Right luv, you havin chips wit dat?”
Yeah, ask me about nachoes in a bowl sometime. That and enchiladas in a bowl. Belfast speciality.
I took Roo there a few weeks ago. Not even she was very impressed.
I felt foolish.
Awesome post, as usual!
There used to be a themed restaurant in New York …called Mars 2112 I believe … and it was futuristic, and aliens waited on you and stuff like that.
This sort of pisses me off, actually.
I suppose I should feel some level of shame, but nay, I do not. I like Planet Hollywood. It is so far from my everyday world. It is truly like another planet. I don’t go there for the food. I don’t go there for the service. I don’t go there for anything but the overwhelming assuault on my senses. Kinda like an amusement park. I don’t go to ride on a roller coaster and expect to compare it to a lovely, gentle boat ride down a lazy stream.
I feel a little icky like I need a shower. Like Brittney. ha ha!
hahahaha I love how Planet Hollywood brings up all of these conflicting emotions.
beth – I feel that you should wear your I Heart Planet Hollywood badge proudly.
It was kind of a funny place to get drunk, though, you have to admit!
It’s no Jimmy’s 43, that’;s for sure!
patrick = hahahahahaha you’re pissed off at Mars 2112!!
I’m so bummed I had to go early! I have to go to work again today. That’s two days in a row! WTF!! That’s just inhumane.
I can beat it. You have not hit rock bottom until you’ve closed out the bar at a TGIF. And I don’t mean closing the establishment, I mean buying up all the booze they have on hand, so that there’s physically none left to sell.
Accomplished that feat with only six other co-conspirators.
David –
I know – we missed you.
But it was great to get to spend a little time with you, anyway! And to see you up on the big screen!