Diary Friday: “I know that glances across a pizza parlor mean nothing – but still.”

This entry is from the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I appear to be quite a little horndog. Yet I also have a good head on my shoulders.

Nothing has changed.

JULY 4

It’s only 11:00 on this patriotic day so nothing happened so I shall describe yesterday. [Not sure how A follows B there, but I suppose it’s irrelevant. Moving on!]

J. was working and she called me to come up and have lunch with her. So I walked up and we walked down to Ricky’s Pizza. We picked up right where we left off. I swear – that’s all we talk about when we’re together. I’ve said it before – we’re kindred souls. I mean, she’ll say something about how she feels or what she thinks, and it could have been me talking. It’s really weird but so nice to not have to explain myself or have to try to convince her. I mean, it’s stupid but even in here I feel like I’m – I feel like I have to continually stick up for myself as though “someone” is thinking, “Right, Sheila. We believe you.” (sarcastically) J. and me – we just talk – I know she doesn’t lie about her feelings and she knows I don’t lie.

I guess the thing is – It’s just unfair.

And – already I’m hearing that stupid “someone” saying, “Oh yeah? Well everything’s unfair, Cookie.” I seem to have a great scorn for myself but – what I feel is what I feel, and it’s just too bad.

EVERY single cute guy I see – I look at, and I wonder about him. And I never get any looks like that. I mean, I know that glances across a pizza parlor mean nothing – but still. It’d be nice to get some recognition, have someone notice me, whisper about me. I don’t ever get second glances from guys. Shit, I look EVERYONE over. So does J.

We walked into Ricky’s and both silently inspected everyone. J. said, “Nope. Nobody.” Then we were both laughing, “Oh God! We’re awful!” We got our pizza and talked and talked about everything. I was sitting with my back to the window, she was facing the window. As we were talking, suddenly I saw her eyes get all buggy and I knew immediately that GUYS were out the window. [Like some rare species of animal!] I turned around and just glanced, because it was so obvious anyway. I saw very briefly 2 guys getting out of this old white car. I turned around and we gaped at each other. They came in and they were so cute! In shorts, battered white sneaks – and their shorts were khaki and oversized. They had on sweatshirts and were sort of bronzed by the sun and they were adorable. They sat up at the counter and were laughing HYSTERICALLY about something. They were about 18 or 19. There are advantages to living in a college town. Wherever I go, I am on the lookout for gorgeous men. [Sheila, you’re 15 years old.]

Then the guys left and we sighed.

We talked about sex. I suppose you — Wait a minute. There I go again. You are a book. What do I care what “you think”? You’re a fucking book. I think about sex and it’s like this big mystery. I wonder about it. Is it fun? I mean, sometimes I think about sex and I know I’m not ready now. And I don’t think I’ll be ready for a while. I think I’ll know when I’m ready. I’ll know when it’s right. But it seems like – EVERYONE’S having sex now. I mean, some people you just know are not virgins anymore. I mean, A. has been going out with the same girl for about 3 years. She goes to the University of Colorado – she graduated a year ago. Guess where A. is going to college? I’m SURE they’re having sex. I can’t help but look at some people and wonder: “Have they?”

I don’t plan to get married for centuries. Maybe in my late 20s or early 30s. Or whenever it is that I find HIM. I’m not gonna get married until I make something of myself, make something of my life. I’m not gonna get married the day after college graduation. I really want to be on my own.

I do want to have kids though.

But still, Catholics say that sex before marriage is wrong. And I can see that point. But I also think that sex before you’re ready is wrong too. There’s an emotional side to all of this.

And DIARY. What if I fall in love with someone – I mean really fall in love with someone – and he falls really in love with me (oh yeah?) and we’re only 24 or 20 or something? I mean, what happens then? I won’t get married just so I can have sex legally. Now I have no trouble saying no. I mean if someone started coming on to me now (fat chance) I’d be like, “Please get out of my face, you gross low-life.” [hahahaha How about just saying, “No thanks”??]

It seems like everything in college moves so fast. I know that I will not sleep with someone unless I want to. Peer pressure doesn’t work with me. [ha. I love that I knew that about myself. It’s always been true.] I mean, I want to have sex now – I think about it all the time – but I can’t, and I wouldn’t anyway. There’s a difference wanting to and being ready to. I mean, I wasn’t even going out with DW but (THE TRUTH) I wanted to sleep with him SO MUCH. I’d get really embarrassed and awkward when he’d be beside me, because I’d be thinking about sex. But I know I’m not ready. Are you kidding me? I think it’s a very indiscernable difference sometimes – but a very important one. I hope that when the time comes, I will know when I’m ready.

It seems like such a huge scary thing, like grown-ups are shouting at us all the time, ‘OH MY GOD! DON’T HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER! IT WOULD BE A TRAGEDY! OH MY GOD!” Meanwhile, kids are sleeping with each other, and it doesn’t seem to be all that much of a tragedy. You just have to know who you are. Everything’s so confusing now because I feel like I have to make up my mind how to proceed – like, what philosophy I am going to have about sex – but I don’t know yet. I hope I don’t make any fatal mistakes.

So this is what we talked about. We started back to the library, and she said, “When people drive by, don’t you check out who the driver is?” And I said, “I don’t believe this.” Constantly, I peer into cars. [Please stop doing that, Creepy Girl] Especially when I’m walking around campus. There are all the fraternities on sunny days – all the guys stretched out on the slanted roofs in shorts – they bring out mattresses and radios. As I walk by I feel my heart quicken.

SO as we walked back to the library, this truck drove by with 2 people in the front seat. One who was driving and one – we both saw him at the same time – and he was a GOD! I mean, an incredibly gorgeous human being. Mirrored glasses, sort of deep golden hair that stuck up really punky [please don’t say “punky”. Thanks] – and his FACE! He was exquisite.

J. and I saw him at exactly the same moment [I am just laughing at the thought of us – two 16 year old girls, strolling around, literally GAWKING at all the male flora and fauna]. As the truck zoomed by we whirled to face each other screaming. [hahaha!!] We stumbled back to the library in awe of this god we have never met and never will again. It’s like we’re both on this man hunt. Summer would be so boring without our manhunt.

I haven’t seen DW for a month. That is strange. I expect to see him wherever I go. His face is still always in my mind. Wherever I am, I sort of unconsciously look for an old brown station wagon. I’m stupid. I am a stupid person.

Last night my family MADE me come to the beach with them [“Family time” cannot compete with “roving manhunt”] even though I don’t have a suit. My legs were so hairy I looked male. But my family practically shoved me into the car. I was embarrassed about my legs and was mad. I was even more mad when we got to the beach because the beach was FULL of gorgeous college guys. I looked so ugly and white. I just want to be hip. I try so hard to be cool, to not be so awkward. I don’t mean by doing dumb things, I don’t mean altering my entire personality like I see some other girls do – What I mean by cool is – A.N. cool. Cool to me is – [okay, get ready for my definition of cool, and please envision the Duran Duran video I had just watched] punky hair, mirrored glasses, fingerless gloves, confidence, secure – secure almost bordering on arrogance. [Fingerless gloves and arrogance … I am shaking wtih laughter] I just felt so self-conscious last night. I felt so ugly. And the GUYS on the beach – stretched out, in cut offs, mirrored glasses, blonde hair – [I’m in love with these men still] and the LIFE GUARD. He was a BABE. Immediately I sat on my towel to hide my gross legs. I like having smooth legs. I felt really really embarrassed.

Oh, and guess who walked by right in front of me. JW! [He was this guy I had had a crush on a year or so before – I think we exchanged 2 or 3 words – but my crush lasted the entire school year.] Just seeing him was like, “Oh God. Get away from me.” He didn’t see me. I doubt he even knows me. He’s such an egoist. I look at him and laugh! It looks like he’s always holding his breath – because he wants to stick his chest out like a big tough guy – But seeing him was a reminder of my lack of social life. This is J.’s picture of our social life.

[Then comes a drawing of us – 2 girls – with tears down our faces and sad mouths – a big barrier beside us – that is labeled ‘BERLIN WALL’ – and on the other side is a group of people – and an arrow is pointing to the group saying ‘OUR SOCIAL LIVES’

10:30 July 4

I am in such a great mood! I just went to the fireworks display. It’s a huge deal – I mean, throngs of people go to Old Mountain Field – our town turns into a throbbing mecca. I’ve only been once before because all the other July 4ths I was at camp.

Well. Unlike last night at the beach, I did feel cool. We went to a cookout at the Quinn’s – it was nice talking to Jen – she’s a good kid. Me, her, and Katy – you want to talk best friends? We were IT! Three Muskateers. We were ALWAYS together. ALWAYS. We were friends forever. Then Katy and I moved and I went into junior high, Katy went to another elementary school – so we just never saw each other. I mean, it’s not like we ever had a fallout – we just saw each other very rarely. So it was really nice to talk to Jen again.

Then we went to Old Mountain Field. Traffic was stopped up all along the highways. There were SO MANY people. The field looked like the beach on a hot day. I had just done my hair so it looked cool. [Yes, but was it “punky”?] I was carrying a blanket – and we (my family) were looking for a place to sit down. And suddenly I heard, “Hey! Sheila!” I looked around and saw TS hailing me. [TS was a good friend of me and also the rest of my core group of friends – he had graduated a couple of years before I did – and at some point during my senior year he and I started dating. He was, I guess, my first boyfriend. We went to my senior prom together.]

Oh yeah – I forgot – this was weird. Mum and I went to this bagels store and as we went in TS and K.O. came out. It was strange. We were talking. I admit that I have a little crush on TS – and I have ever since I met him. I like having him for a friend. I really do. [And we’re friends now – after over 20 years of not seeing each other. What are the odds] AND if I don’t have a boyfriend next year, I’ll ask him to the Senior Prom. I know he’d go unless he was totally broke. I considered asking him this year. Beth wanted me to – kept encouraging me to call him and ask. But when DW said no [DW – my crush of the entire year prior. I asked him to my prom and he freakin’ said NO! Now THAT is a tragedy.] I couldn’t think of anybody else. NO WAY.

TS was sitting on a blanket holding a guitar. M.M. was sprawled out next to him in that languorous manner he always assumes – and Beth was sitting on a bigger blanket nearby. Turns out that TS was there with his 2 older brothers and their wives and kids. Well, TS motioned to me to come over so I went over and sat on my blanket. You can’t believe how cute his family is. All in all – there were about 5 little kids – including a one-month-old baby. And a 2 year old – so cute – and TS’ BROTHERS – they are just as hysterical as he is. What a blast it must be in that family. When TS (who was sitting crosslegged on the ground) laughed – he would sort of fall back on his back – and all of his brothers did that – so basically they were all rolling around with laughter. They’re all so nice, so close. Oh, and the 2 year old got lost about 3 times while I was there and TS would go off looking for him – he loves playing with the kids – he was playing peek a boo with the 2 year old and a paper plate. There was something so adorable about it. Big men going “kootchy kootchy koo” in a baby voice and all that. TS was tickling the kids and wrestling with them. M.M. was (of course) very blase, didn’t even say hello to me. But he was halfway nice. [How is “not saying hello” “halfway nice”??] If ONLY he weren’t the best looking guy I have ever seen in my life. He looks like Paul Newman. And with every passing year he gets better. He is flawless. He’s even more gorgeous than when he was in high school. [No!] He’s also very funny. He makes me laugh. TS is more like a friend – when I laugh with him, it’s like laughing with Beth or Mere or Betsy. M.M. makes me nervous a little bit. Of course I don’t show it.

One of TS’s nieces was cold and she asked if she could wear M.M.’s sweatshirt. he said sure – it was a gown on her. Floor length. The arms dangled on the ground. She looked like a jawa. TS was laughing at her, and he was holding the baby – sort of awkwardly – but tenderly – letting the baby suck on his pinky finger.

The fireworks were nice. Beth and I talked with TS the whole way through it, of course. Not M.M. though. He was sprawled on his back on the ground and he got mad at us whenever we spoke. “You just missed the best one!” We were all telling jokes, and he wasn’t laughing. TS said to him, “Oh. You don’t laugh at our jokes, right?” M.M. said, deadly serious, “Not while I’m watching fireworks.” So funny.

Slowly it got dark and the fireworks started. It’s amazing how excited everyone got – and it was contageous. Everyone was cheering ‘OOH”-ing – TS too. I think I could maybe have a serious crush here. He’s such a nice person.

Anyway, TS said, as we all clapped for one of the fireworks, “This is ridiculous how people explode for inanimate explosions.” That started us off laughing because after that I found it impossible to cheer for them without laughing and remembering what he said. After every single huge blast, Beth and I would listen for the babies. It was hilarious. There would be a huge BOOM and following right after – babies all over the field would start screaming, in unison.

Beth and I can have so much fun together. She kept hitting TS when he would tease her and tell him that he sucked. “You suck. I hate you.”

We laugh, and have fun – it’s great. I like TS. I like everyone. And I love America too. (Had to throw that in there, it being the 4th and all) So we all had a lot of fun, and it makes me feel warm inside. M.M. and TS (Oh Lord, they crack me up) were SO funny. They planned this. There was a grand finale – with bursting fireworks all at the same time, and the whole crowd started screaming and cheering. We were all sitting in a little clearing and everyone started clapping, screaming, for the fireworks – and MM and TS stood up and started bowing in the direction of the crowd, nodding their heads modestly, waving. Beth and I were in convulsions on the ground looking up at them. They were these 2 big tall figures silhouetted against the fireworks.

It was FUN and it was also like a miracle, suddenly running into them out of the whole field – so many people there – and I found them. I was dreading running into DW. Maybe it wouldn’t have been traumatic for him, but for ME.

TS is coming over in a couple of weeks to come see the movie. [In my group of friends there is only ONE movie … and that’s the one we made together – called “The Troubled Days and Nights of Lovers, Husbands, Wives, Children, in Hope and Despair”] He’s looking forward to it. I can’t WAIT to show it to him. He’ll love it.

Afterwards, we all went to Newport Creamery for ice cream. He said, “I can’t wait to see Dolores in the movie.” I started LAUGHING, just thinking about her performance. “Just you wait!” I said to him.

Dolores shocked us all.