I can be quite shy. (Cue Carrie’s spit-take in Belfast. I said it to her, completely seriously, when we were visiting her – I said, “To be honest, I’m really quite shy …” and she laughed IN MY FACE. hahahaha) No, but seriously. I can be very shy. It takes me a while to warm up, socially. Since I have been blogging, however, I have found a comfort zone with meeting new people – I don’t know, maybe it’s because I feel “public” now. People read me. People show up and read and comment. They email me. I’ve met many bloggers – people I now consider dear friends. And there was no warm-up period with these people. We just got right to it. There are those I have still not met (yes, I’m looking at YOU, Lisa, I’m looking at YOU, Tracey) whom I feel like … once we do meet, we’ll just cut to the chase. We’re already friends … know what I mean? It’s wonderful. And so far – meeting folks I’ve befriended on the Internet – has been only a joy. I haven’t been “duped” once. I also haven’t met someone in this context where I think: “Hmm. They are NOTHING like their writing.” When I met Emily for the first time, I recognized her immediately. Not just her face – but her whole personality. She was the same as her writing.
All of this is to say that yesterday I finally met Matt Zoller Seitz – he invited me to a screening of There Will Be Blood – the movie is 3 hours long, and it was a press screening, so – you know – it was pretty plush, man. THAT’S the way to see a movie. And then we went out to a diner and had some coffee and some lunch – and talked like maniacs. Again, you can cut to the chase, because you already KNOW them (not really – but you know what you need to know in order to just launch into a monologue at them … They read you, you read them … you have a basis to begin.) We talked about writing – I asked him about editing, how he edits … we talked about Burt Lancaster and Jack Black and Hitchcock and his site – and mine (Matt: “You seem to have a good group of commenters.” Me: “Yeah, well I delete a lot of comments.” Matt burst into laughter. hahahaha Yup. I’m a dictator.) – we also, of course, talked a lot about the movie we had just seen, and Paul Thomas Anderson’s work, in general. I’ll write more about the film when I get my thoughts together, when I find my “way in” – as I told Matt.
Anyway, I guess I need to re-think that whole “I’m shy” thing. In some cases I’m shy. I’m not good at small talk. I bore easily. I also have a hard time NOT saying what I think, even if it might be awkward or not the right time/place. This can make for some bizarre moments, and this is why “dating” for me has never really worked. You need to have SOME tolerance for small talk!! But when I have met the people I have already gotten to know online … there’s no need for small talk. There is a basis for connection already. You can just get right to it.
It’s totally cool.
I find it hard to believe the word ‘shy’ was ever associated with you.
I can see that with you, I really can. Girlfriends and spouses have always had to deal with my social bi-polarity, often to eheir utter infuriation. When I go to a party where I am unfamiliar with the guests I usually choose one of two paths: Sulk and meander silently until my girlfriend/spouse at the time becomes enraged with my lack of engagement and we leave. Then we get into a huge fight and I apologize and on and on.
Or I go the second path and purposely walk in with the intent of having everyone in the room pay attention to me. I start joking, flirting, pontificating and by the time it’s over everyone’s telling the girlfriend/spouse that I’m the best and I have to go to this other gathering next month so everyone else can meet me. Then I show up and go back to path one.
It’s maddening to people around me I know but I do it because of my own shyness, which like you, no one believes. It’s why I got into acting in the first place. I’m shy but I’m also a baby who is desperate for attention. On a stage or in front of a camera I can be someone else (so I don’t have to worry about being shy) and all eyes are focused on me (so my delicate ego gets stroked).
God, I’m sure this whole comment makes me sound awful and you’re probably thinking, “Well, check off one more blogger I never want to meet” but really I just have a few insecurities like most people do and this, for better or worse, is how I deal with them. I think blogging itself sums up a lot of what I said for a lot of people. It’s a social ice-breaker, a way to get yourself out there but still be in total control. Although I’m still very guarded. I’ve always made movies (amateur stuff) under one name, acted under another and written under a third, which is obviously Jonathan Lapper. It’s almost as if I’m terrified of someone finding out who I am inside or combining the three of us (the filmmaker, the actor, the writer) into one person when I don’t feel that way at all.
So anyway, sorry to use your comment thread as public therapy. I just wanted to say I’m shy too and I find shy people really fascinating. Of course, after reading this, most people will just think I’m crazy.
Jonathan – you don’t sound crazy at all. Just human – and I recognize a lot of myself in your comment.
I espeically liked this:
//It’s a social ice-breaker, a way to get yourself out there but still be in total control. //
I really think that’s a big part of it for me. It feels “safe” – even though revealing my innermost thoughts on the Internet is really NOT safe, and I’ve definitely been misunderstood, and attacked, and condescended to – by people who mis-read me, or whatever – just don’t like me.
That’s also been good for me to deal with and handle (uhm – delete button?) No but seriously: how do you deal with someone who randomly shows up and makes fun of you when you’ve laid it all out there? Who purposely misunderstands the point of your post – in order to make it a platform for them? etc. It’s been good practice for me to handle stuff like that.
Michael, an ex of mine – came to visit me recently. He sat in my bedroom, reading the paper. I sat in my kitchen, with my laptop – I had posted a piece in honor of one of the victims of 9/11. It was part of the 2,996 Project (not sure if you’ve heard of it)- and I had worked really hard on it – harder than anything else I’ve ever worked on – just because of the topic. And somebody showed up and made the cruelest meanest comments – which I deleted. Nope. Not on my bandwidth, asswipe. But it GOT to me. I obsessed about it a little bit. I wanted to engage with the asswipe, and fight back – but you know, that’s a losing battle. You can’t win. The only way to win is to not give them a platform at all. (I know lots of folks wouldn’t agree with my delete policy – but I’m fine with it.) Anyway, I read the comments out to Michael – in the next room. I was in my pajamas, and … I don’t know … I was trembling with rage. Literally. Michael was like, “Wow, what a dousche-bag.” You know, supporting me, etc. I deleted the comments. Moved on with my life. But 2 hours later, I referenced it again – I was still upset – and Michael said, in a totally loving tone – not at all making me feel stupid: “Babe, you’ve got to get a tougher skin” And it was just the way he said it – POUF, my rage disappeared like magic.
But I had to work thru it – in order to come out to the other side.
I still remember Michael’s comment – and it changed how I responded to stuff like that. It comes up time and time again. I’m not sayiing stuff like that doesn’t get to me – but I can certainly move past it with much more dispatch.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I was a little nervous about hitting the post button on that comment to tell you the truth. The name thing worries me because I’m afraid people will think using different names for different things I do is being deceptive and I’m really not trying or wanting to be that at all. It’s just a comfort level I have with identity. I know it’s foolish but I feel if I used the same name for writing, acting and directing people wouldn’t take me seriously as an actor because they knew me as a writer or director or vice versa. When I was a kid I had different names I used for different things and people just thought of it as weird. It probably is but it’s how I do things.
P.S. When I checked back in your site hadn’t refreshed on my browser and the comments still showed “1”. My heart sank and I thought, “Oh my god she thinks I’m a freak and she deleted it.” What a relief when I hit refresh.
Sheila – you know, I think I see what you mean. There are many shy people who just need to figure out “how to get in” as you are trying to figure out with the movie you saw. Once you do get in, though? Magic. And the blog is a great way to get in for someone who’s shy, because it’s just you and the screen. There’s not that risk of immediate rejection. Even the kindest person will give it away if they’re not careful – before any words are spoken – just by their body language. A shy person will notice it even if the kind person doesn’t, because their nature leads them to study nonverbal cues much more closely than the average garrulous moron (i.e, me).
Then again, you are also an actor, and your craft depends so much on reading other people, especially in a live performance.
As one of the folk who’ve been lucky enough to see one of those performances, I can say that I’m glad that I found your blog, and a friend.
CRAP! please amend above to end as follows: “…your blog, and a friend at the other end.” Dratted stumble fingers.
sheila,
i *get* that. i met some of my good friends over msn first [[and some through blogging, too]]. for the msn friends, we had mutual friends and acquaintances, granted, but finally meeting for the first time in person, it just worked. because i knew them. KNEW them. i was in the wedding of two of them this past august, that’s how well it worked. but i don’t know if it would have happened otherwise. i’m one of those observing people; it takes a while to get close enough to someone to talk to them — and if i’ve already done so via the internet, there’s one obstacle overcome, thank goodness. did that make any sense? you said it better than i could anyway.
i don’t know if we’ll ever meet, sheila, but i’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over your blog. keep at it. [[and if you get any more of those … demoralizing commenters, keep your chin up. there’s a whole community here who’ve got your back.]]
Nightfly – really interesting thoughts about shy people picking up kindness thru nonverbal cues! Yes! God, isn’t that so true??
It even comes thru in blog comments – as I’m sure you’ve experienced on your own blog. How someone makes a comment the first time on my blog makes a huge difference to me in how I respond to them. It’s all about first impressions on the ‘net – and because it’s not, technically, “real” – then I feel I can afford to have a lower tolerance for rudeness than I do in my everyday life – just because, you know, in navigating life, people are rude – if you freaked out every time, you’d be too sensitive to live on this earth!
But on the blog – if someone’s first comment is an attack – or is condescending – I NOTICE that stuff. I am less willing to deal with such people, because socially – they seem inept. I’ve said this before – but so much of social interactions on the net (in my opinion) have to do with knowing where you are and behaving accordingly. By that I mean: if you spend your whole day on Little GreenFootballs, and then come to my site – and act the same way … you won’t get past one comment before I not only delete you but ban you forever. hahaha Those are mainly the people I delete. People who are clueless about where they are and have no interest in getting to know MY space … and just fire away, as though they’re on a partisan political site – not realizing how inappropriate that behavior is here. (I think it’s inappropriate on political sites as well, which is why I never visit any political blogs anymore. Just my choice. Not saying I’m right, just sayiing it’s right for ME.)
What I love about the variety of blogs – and bloggers – is that I get to segue – with one click of the mouse – from one world to another to another. I get to enter into other peoples opinions, thoughts, stories … totally different from mine … and yet what connects us is our desire to share them.
amelie – thanks, hon!
Amazing – about being in the wedding of 2 folks you met in this new internet-ish way. Wonderful.
Oh and Nightfly – it was so cool that you came to that show. So cool. Still weird to think that that was the only time (so far) that I met you and Ladybug!! It feels like I “know” you much better than that.
Our meeting was similar, yet different, I think, my little refugee. You identified me right away, not necessarily Brian, but opening up wasn’t immediately as easy. You shouldn’t have, considering the time and place of things. I recall you staring out the window amazed that there were Trees IN the city, and that they were built around instead of destroyed. That, and you stared at things a lot. Like your drink at the Mexican Joint (No way Jose Cafe, Federal Hill) or your plate, or the Lava Lamp in my wee little cave. I wouldn’t call it Shyness. Better described as Preoccupation.
Sheila – our pleasure; it was a great show! And we both wanted to stay afterwards and hang for a while with everyone, but we had the train commute and an early start the next day.
It IS weird that this was the only time we actually met. You’re welcome to come to Mystery Science Night tomorrow, if you like!
Are there more magic words on this planet than “Mystery Science Night”? I think not!!
I’m doing a writing-slash-yoga workshop tomorrow so I am unable to attend your magical event – but it sounds like a blast!! Think of me tomorrow night, I’ll be doing the Downward Dog pose as well as some creative writing … that’ll be my Saturday night!
wutzizname – ah, the memories. Yeah, everything was a little bit TOO vivid then – I was on overload! But your kindness to me, and Brian’s, will never be forgotten!
Writing/Yoga workshop?? Whaddaya, write with your feet?
No, darling. You don’t write with your feet. It’s about creativity unleashed, I suppose. Actually I’m not sure what to expect, but it sounds really interesting.
Sheil – I can relate to Carrie laughing in your face – remember when I went off to college and thought I would “try” being shy? “I’m shy”. but really, that has nothing to do with what you are talking about so, here I am, making it all about me…
Hey, “writing-slash-yoga” is a pretty solid three-word combo. May your creative chakra be freed!
Oh, and I’m totally writing a short story with a character named Downward Dog.
Actually, to bring it all around full circle … may my Downward Dog be un”leashed”.
Oh and if my third chakra isn’t released, I’m asking for a refund.
Jean – of COURSE it’s all about you. Carrie’s response is similar to your friends in college who were like, “Uhm, Jean. You’re totally not shy.”
See you tonight! Can’t wait!!
I feel the same way about you. You know I do.
I kinda think there are different “layers” of shyness, as you call it. I think of it as more of a sensitivity thing. Usually, “sensitive” has such negative connotations. (Weak, hysterionic, over the top with your emotions…) But I do think it is more of an “EQ” kinda thing. And if you look at a person as having “layers”, there are some things that they are more sensitive, or shy, about, and other times and places that they are “safe”. Sometimes that safe place is in a large group- a party, on stage. A false bravado if you will. Trying on different personalities, but not your REAL one. Sort of like an onion- dry, papery and rough on the outside, but very different inside. Some layers are shy, some are not.
PS Jean- I get your “shy college” thing. I tried that at camp one year. But Joel Brown busted me.
“In some cases I’m shy. I’m not good at small talk. I bore easily. I also have a hard time NOT saying what I think, even if it might be awkward or not the right time/place.”
Oh, I totally relate to that. But I really am shy. Paralyzingly so in person, not so much online.
“I wanted to engage with the asswipe, and fight back – but you know, that’s a losing battle. You can’t win. The only way to win is to not give them a platform at all.”
I agree with you here. I’ve sat through enough online arguments to know that there’s no point in debating these people. You’re just playing their game. Delete away, I say.
“may my Downward Dog be un”leashed”.”
If it is, I hope you don’t fall on your face! :-)
(I was just thinking how that’s a very strong, controlled posture, and if it isn’t controlled… oops.)
And here’s to that third chakra.
Interview with Matt Zoller Seitz
A really nice interview with critic Matt Zoller Seitz who also heads up the fantastic blog House Next Door, which I write for on occasion. I was lucky enough to meet Matt – we went to a press screening of…