Archie Leach day: Billy Wilder’s Fantasy Movie

Billy Wilder had a fantasy of the ultimate movie he wanted to do, starring Cary Grant (he and Grant never worked together – even though Wilder never gave up hope. They were friends. Grant seems made for Wilder pictures … but it never happened). Wilder had the entire fantasy-movie shot in his head. And Cary Grant, because he was Cary Grant, never would have grown out of the part, even though he was 60 years old. He was always a leading man.

So anyway, here is the first 10 minutes of Billy Wilder’s dream-movie, the movie he always wanted to do, but never did, starring Cary Grant:

— It takes place during the Crusades.

— There is a long sweeping shot through the muddy streets of a medieval town. Something is obviously about to happen, much activity.

— A series of shots of the men of the town putting on coats of armor. Buckling up, raising flags, putting on helmets, getting the swords ready … Okay. So we get the picture. The men are going off to the Crusade.

— Another series of shots … showing the men of the town locking their wives into chastity belts. They all have huge keys, their wives are crying, pleading not to be locked up, also not to go away … but the men are firm. Their wife must be protected! She must be locked up! So a series of shots … throughout the town … lock, lock, lock, lock, lock, lock, lock. (You got it? A montage.)

— Then, leaving their crying locked-up wives behind them, the men all leap onto their horses and, holding up flags and swords and shields, gallop out of town.

— The camera follows the horses through the town, the galloping, the mud flying … and as the horses pass by, out of frame, the camera rests on a small storefront. Unassuming. Medieval. And on a small sign by the door are the words: “Locksmith”. And the camera slowly pans by the window, and we see the locksmith at work at his table inside. The locksmith is Cary Grant.