I have no self-consciousness about being single. None. ZERO. I have SADNESS about being single (“sadness” is a tepid word for what I actually feel), but sadness is an entirely different thing. I have NO shame about it (and hey, maybe I should, but whatevs – I’ve got enough shame about all kinds of other things, no need to pile it on).
So what this all means is: I have NO problem going to movies by myself (I actually love it – do it a couple times a week, in a good week) – I go out to dinner by myself all the time – and just sit there and read. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I have a couple pubs where I go to unwind – and in typical Irish fashion – have a pint, and read. And am left alone. It’s important to find that kind of joint. Lots of people feel self-conscious about doing these “couples-ish” activities alone, and I get that – I get that people feel that way – but I have ZERO self-consciousness about it. It’s just something I’m past, or over. Maybe it’s because of where I live? Where it’s basically a CROWD scene at every moment … it’s easy to get lost here, to truly feel invisible.
Like I said, it makes me SAD sometimes – but I honestly try not to think about it anymore, because life is too short, and I love going to the movies by myself (and actually, if I did have a boyfriend – I would probably STILL go to the movies, on occasion, by myself – it’s just something I love) … and I love love love sitting in a quiet corner in a pub, reading my book, and just hanging out with myself. Maybe people look at me pityingly. It’s highly possible. Or maybe they look at me with wonderment, like: “I could NEVER just sit there by myself … I’d be too self-conscious!” (And that’s what I hear a lot of people saying who are unhappy with the holiday – they are angry at how they THINK that they – a single freak – will look to others). Here’s my view on that: I don’t let strangers rent space in my brain. Especially not hostile strangers. Judge-y strangers. I have enough of that head-trip going on all by myself. As David said to me a couple weeks ago, “Sheila, you are lethal company to yourself when things get rough.” Lethal is right. No need to let lethal people into my life, since I have the most to fear from myself. My friends, my family, boyfriends from my past who stay in touch with me, and who still love me … THEY are the people who get to hang out in my brain. And tell me stuff. And whisper things in my ear. And murmur encouragement. Or give me tough love. They are welcome. But strangers? The media? Afternoon talk-shows? Women’s magazines? Nope. You guys do not get to hang out in my brain.
To the “I would feel self-conscious going out to dinner by myself” crowd – I want to say that I do feel your pain. I have been there myself. But I urge you: just give it a try! If you feel you want it! Enjoy your own company! Have a date with yourself. I know it sounds so corny, but it’s true. If I have a week where I’m going out every night (and it rarely happens – but let’s say I do) – I end up feeling very “off” … and pretty much hole up alone for the entire weekend in a cocoon of glorious solitude. It’s not that I WANT alone-time, it is that I have now come to count on it for my equilibrium. It’s a priority to me to work it in.
You know how there are people who say, “I wish I had more time to read!” (Huge pet peeve of mine, but whatevs, I’ll let it go.) What you need to get is that I MAKE time to read. It’s like exercise. The people who say “I wish I had more time …” or “I would exercise if I had more time …” are missing the point. You MAKE the time if you really have it as a priority. And if you can’t? Then you need to let it go. Don’t blame it on not having enough time. I know plenty of mothers with young babies who MAKE time to read because it is a priority for them. (A friend of mine said to me, a couple of weeks after the birth of her baby, “So, I can only read short stories now! No more novels! The story must fit in during a nap-time …” which just made me laugh. Good solution – if you NEED to read.) They don’t feel like themselves if they are not reading. Perhaps with an infant they read 2 pages a week, as opposed to 2 chapters – but they READ. Same with exercise.
A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with a pretty terrible illness last year. She is a busy woman, with a job, a husband, two kids. Her life is go-go-go-go. Now I don’t want to speak for her … but I do know that with the diagnosis she had to make time to decompress. And lie on the couch. It HAD to happen. Even though dinner needed to be made, the kids lunches packed, etc. It hadn’t ever been a priority before – basically because she was busy and shit needs to get done. Laundry, gardening, bills, everything! I know she struggles with just coming home from work and lying down on the couch for an hour … she yearns to get up and bustle about. But that time (and I’m sure there’s some give and take with it, times when she really MUST work thru it, and get an important task done) has to be factored in now. For her health. Other things had to get shuffled aside – because no, you cannot do it all. It is up to YOU, the individual, to figure out: okay. What is essential for my well-being (physical and mental) – and what is not? It’s SO hard to prioritize sometimes! It takes some soul-grappling.
So I get annoyed with the “I would if I only had more time …” excuse – about anything. It reminds me of Stephen King saying, “Bad writers are the ones who don’t write. Period” How many times have I heard people say, “I have a novel in me – if I just had the time …” What a fucking insult to those of us who actually do sit down and churn out pages every goddamn day in the hopes that we will get a break, get it published, get a foothold. I DON’T have the time, often. I wake up at 5 in the morning sometimes because if I don’t get in my pages for the day, I feel “off”. And then there’s the exercise. How do I get that in? I have been really REALLY struggling with that over the last couple of months, and I just can’t seem to make it work. But I need to figure out something, and it has to be a plan of some kind … something structured because I, for one, need a plan. At least in that area. I don’t need a pre-planned structure to sit down and write every day. I write when I have the flu, I write when my heart is broken, I have kept writing, even over the last couple of months when I have been dealing with serious illness, and loss, and all kinds of heavy shit. I sit down and write because I MUST. I become mentally unbalanced if I don’t, and I am not exaggerating. But exercise – I need to have a calendar, and put it in the calendar a week ahead of time … so that that time is blocked out (and etc. etc.) I guess I’d say (not that anyone asked, but again, whatevs) if you hear yourself saying “I wish I had more time .. then I would do such and such …” Just take a look at that. Take a look at how you might be victimizing yourself. Let yourself off the hook about your schedule. Don’t pile it on. If something isn’t a priority, it’s not a priority – so do your best not to feel guilty. Don’t put yourself through a head-trip because you can only read 2 pages in a day, as opposed to your usual speed. Don’t victimize yourself by TIME. It’s so so easy to do … the time ticking away in each day is louder in my ears with every moment … but I am really really working on this now. It’s a priority. And my quality of life has gone up – even though my circumstances have remained the same (and actually, in some cases, gotten much much worse.)
So. What does all of this have to do with Valentine’s Day?
I guess I don’t have self-consciousness about being single today. The onslaught of publicity is … whatever, it’s annoying (when you watch the news and you see a little blinking heart over today’s date in the weather report – you know, that’s a bit much) … but I don’t know. Life’s too short. I will NOT be victimized by Hallmark.
I am alREADY sad that I don’t have a mate. But I don’t feel embarrassed or anything about walking around alone today.
So. Here’s ye olde planne. I got home at 2 a.m. last night so I can’t wait to get home and crawl into pjs. But the plan is:
1. Read a couple chapters of Post Captain, by Patrick O’Brien. Having a BLAST with the second volume in the series. I mean, Jack Aubrey being smuggled through Spain in a bear suit? And Maturin’s love affair with the awesome Diane Villiers? (Oh, and don’t tell me what happens!!) The possible love-triangle … Stephen’s a spy … and Jack doesn’t know it … So far, most of this book has taken place on land, and Jack Aubrey is on the run from creditors, who basically want to arrest him. Anyway. Wonderful. Absorbing. TOTAL page-turner. With a “jewel” on every page (like I wrote about before).
2. Dan!! DBW! Just got word that The Cowboys is waiting for me at home. I can’t WAIT to see it. Had to bump it up to the top of the queue. And it arrived. Ahhhh, very excited for a little John Wayne fest tonight.
3. Go on a moisturizing FRENZY. It’s been cold this week, colder than any other week we’ve had thus far – and my skin feels scaly and dry. I am obsessed with skin care. Seriously. It’s a daily ritual – but today I need to go the extra mile. I look forward to breaking out all the products. The elbow-cream is different from the foot-cream is different from the neck-cream is different from the “quenching” cream. Ahhh. My skin feels thirsty just thinking about it.
4. Pass out by 10:30. Maybe spend a bit of time with Hitachi. Whatever. Have a glass of wine. Chill out. Curtains closed.
Nice.
So yeah. I’m sad. I’m lonely. It aches. (Please please resist giving me advice or a pep talk. If you’re my friend in real life, and you KNOW me, then I welcome it – … but I’m not looking for a pep talk in the comments section. That WILL make me feel self-conscious! My interest on my blog is, first and foremost, expressing myself. Please read me in that manner, if you possibly can!)
Sadness, yes. Aching? Yes.
But I’m not at all self-conscious or embarrassed that that is my plan for the night. It looks kinda nice, actually.
Sounds like a FABULOUS plan!!!!!!!!!
I never understood the idea of being uncomfortable about going to the movies by yourself. When you think about it, it’s pretty much one of the most unsocial things you can do. In fact, I kind of prefer it, that way, if the movie’s a stinker, I can get up and leave without worrying about whoever else I’m with.
Your plan actually sounds very relaxing and enjoyable. Have a great time.
Emily – yeah, really. It’s so not social to go sit in the dark and not be able to talk!
And if it’s a really GOOD movie that blows me away … sometimes it’s nice to be alone to absorb it.
I just really enjoy going to the movies by myself. Especially matinees on, like, Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday. That’s the best time to go to the movies!
Although – with something like the new Raiders of the Lost Ark movie? I want to go on opening night, dammit!
Yeah. That’s not a movie. It’s a cultural event.
It’s like my whole damn life flashes before my eyes when I see those posters.
I love Patrick O’Brian and all the Aubrey/Mauritain books all of which I’ve heard on tape or CD. The narrator of the series Patrick Tull is so good, maybe the best narration of books I have ever heard. Your library I bet has copies.
Whenever I’m feeling low, I just lie down and listen to one of them and I am transported.
I devoured Master and Commander and have been meaning to continue on. Amazing.
I SO needed to hear what you had to say today. Lately I’ve been staring at clock-faces in rage. I need to shift the ol’ noggin.
happy hallmark day!
Bren – I love you! Thanks for your email today … it was INSANE today so I didn’t get a chance to get to it, but I will. I’m going home this weekend – so if you call when I’m there, let’s catch up.
And yes, you have to keep reading the Master & Commander books! I love to hear that you devoured the first one. I bet Cash will love them someday.
I hope you enjoy your evening.
I’ll be there too, sitting on my couch, listening to Bach, knitting or crocheting on something. I’ll raise my cup of herbal tea to you in a long-distance sort of toast. And later this evening, I’ll pick up Pickwick Papers and read a couple chapters.
But yeah, I get that ache sometimes too. I understand that. I feel that.
Ohhh ricki – Pickwick Papers! Yes! And I will raise my Patrick O’Brian novel in your general direction. I’m with you, sister!! You understand!
Good plan, sheila. Cozy v-day evening to you!
you so inspire me. someone said (sorry, don’t remember who, eleanor roosevelt maybe?), “we are all given the same 24 hours”. amen. you make the flippin time to do what is a priority.
ps: moisturizing is sooooooooo important and wonderful
Your moisturizing plan is making MY skin thirsty….
I just got back from choir practice at church and was regaled by Daughter with the tale of how a boy she doesn’t particularly care for sent her a carnation in school today…and another boy loudly announced this fact in the hallway. As we all remember, 8th Grade is hell.
Jackie, Melissa –
Moisturizers are the key to life, it is true.
i’m a little worried about how this is going to sound, but your post today just reinforces for me that i’m often a little jealous of your single-ness. i’ve been in a committed relationship for 18 years next month, and while it definitely has its perks it also has its downside. and i’m not talking about lack of “me” time, although there is some of that, but just feeling like i have someone else to be there for, who would worry if i just disappeared for hours without ‘checking in,’ etc. i do travel by myself, and like you i’ve never had the self-consciousness about eating alone, drinking alone, or doing anything alone. i love it.
anyway, this is just me expressing my feelings; maybe it sounds ignorant or whatever, but as happy as i am with my guy (who is sick as a dog right now and being adorably annoying), i am always slightly jealous of you. oh yeah, and you are completely right about time. when you say ‘i can’t find the time,’ you’re really saying ‘it’s not as important to me as i say it is.”
Your evening sounds SUBLIME. Truly. . .Except for the 10:30 part. Make it 9pm and it would be bliss.
Mr. Bingley, – oh man, oh man. 8th grade is hell, indeed. I hated carnation days myself. They should be banned! I demand a constitutional amendment.
But life beyond high school is hell, too. At least that has been my experience, romantically. I am certainly happy for those of you (and my friends) who have found lasting happiness – but in my experience it’s been same shit, different year.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that the boy she secretly does like was standing there in the hallway…been there, did that too many times, as well.
Wellp, another glass of wine then it’s off to bed for me also.
Kate – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Spoken like the mother of a young child. I am HOWLING. Especially because we just talked about that last week! Like: you want me to meet out at 11 pm? Are you OUT of your COTTON PICKIN’ mind???? I have already been asleep for THREE HOURS by then!
Otherstevie – thank you for sharing your thoughts! Thank you! I have talked a lot with friends of mine who are married or in a relationship – and they have said the same thing. Grass is always greener, etc.
So often when these conversations come up (married, single, parents, childless) it becomes a conversation of: “well this is how it SHOULD be, and because this is how WE do it, this is the way it has to be …”
or, more gratingly, “Well, haven’t you tried THIS?”
I seriously find that kind of conversation so damaging and upsetting that I can’t let it in at all. I do not EVER engage in such conversations. Ever. In a funny way, that may make it sound like I am fragile – but actually it’s the opposite. I have such armor up against such bullshit – that kind of “here is how it IS” nonsense … that I will NOT let it affect my self-esteem, how I live my life, how I feel about myself … NO. My self-worth is hard won, baby. I have worked for every tiny and huge bit of it. I have FOUGHT for it. NO ONE will take it from me. Because seriously, if you really think about it – the overwhelming cultural message is against me. It’s against a middle-aged woman who is unmarried with no prospects.
(And, let’s not forget – it’s against all of my gay friends. Who are either married, in a relationship, single, whatever. The cultural “norm” is against them, too.) So NO. We do NOT listen to such people. We do NOT.
Or. I do not.
Those people do not get ONE. FUCKING. INCH. in my brain.
I have decreed it. happiness and self-esteem, at the level I am talking about, are indeed a choice. I am not a happy person, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I will NOT be victimized by the judgments of others. I will not judge myself thru their standards. Because life would not be worth living then.
Your comment was lovely – you have no need to worry how it came off. It is much appreciated.
And OtherStevie – your last comment about “it’s not important to me as I say it is” is so so wise.
Yes. That’s it, isn’t it?
I think it takes some people a lifetime to even ADMIT that in certain areas in their lives … I know I struggle with it .. it’s really about letting go … and the whole “I don’t have enough time” thing is a smokescreen for that deeper issue. I guess it’s really about mortality – and who the hell wants to deal with that?
But I would rather deal with it upfront than waste my whole life bitching about how I don’t have enough time!!
By the way: 18 years! Kudos!!
Oh, ‘The Cowboys’! How I envy you seeing it for the first time. Let us know what you think, please.
Maybe you can put your finger on what it is about it- just not able to express it myself. I think it, and not “The Shootist” is the pinnacle of his career.
A little late to the party – Sheila – your evening sounds wonderful to me. And to my skin. And you’re so right about the whole time thing – if it’s important enough, you will make time for it. If you don’t choose to do that, if you don’t grab that time, then you can’t complain. It’s hard, but it is always possible.
I have fallen into that “I just don’t have time” mindset at times, but I get sick of my own whining. If I chose to sleep instead of get up early – well then, that was my choice. Deal with it.
Oh, and Valentine’s day truly isn’t complete without the post about the picture of your eyeball, so thank you (belatedly) for posting it every year!
I sit down and write because I MUST. I become mentally unbalanced if I don’t, and I am not exaggerating.
I don’t believe anyone would disagree…
And it sounds like a lovely evening!
Me? Popcorn, and watching Law and Order with the kids.
And it was great!
Great post, Sheila.
Firstly, I ditto your comment to OtherStevie about “it’s not as important to me…”etc. I find that as my life changes, I also change what is most important to me. There are only 24 hours in a day, and I WANT to do all the “important things”, but can only do a few. I sorta see my life in cycles- right now I am in a prioritizing physical health (exercise,getting enough rest,etc.) and relationships phase. Therefore, I save my book reading and movies for long weekends and vacations. Do I want unlimited time to do ALL the things I love? Sure I do. But that is not reality. At some point, I will put those things back at the top of the list of priorities. (Along with cooking– I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv cooking, but it often doesn’t fit for me these days. So I have the cooking channel on in the background and think about all the things I WILL make when I switch my “time priorities.”
PS Part of the reason I got my dog is for these priorites- he forces me to exercise, and he helps me with my relationships.
PSS I see that you are coming home this weekend, according to one of your comments. If you have a chance, give me a call. I have been home sick, but start school vacation this afternoon.
Beth – love you! I was just emailing all of you AS you were commenting – so check your email! I’ll be home tomorrow – I’ll stay thru Monday.
My internet keeps going up and down- for some reason I can get your blog, but have not been able to access my email. It is so eerie that you are coming home, as I was going to call you last night- I miss you!! Tom is down in Va.- his dad had a quadruple bypass yesterday,(he is doing pretty good) so I have all sorts of time. Consider this a shout-out to the 40 year-old with tattoos: come over!!
(well, not ALL people, just “our people”- ha ha!!)
I’m actually rather Bah-humbug about the whole Valentine’s Day thing. It was a yearly day of torment in my younger years, and all attampts to bring me around to like it were wasted up until 4 years ago when I got presented with a ring. Now I’m not allowed to hate it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop holding my humbug feelings about the cards and candy and pink and frilly and cupid. *barf* I think it’s perfectly natural to go about the day as if it were any other. I mean, isn’t it actually St. Valentine’s day because that’s the day he was killed or something? Totally unromantic! Downright barbaric! So now I can be fine with the date, but I think people should take their stupid Hallmark greetings and cheap chocolates and shove them up their noses. (I think I’d actually pay money to see someone with chocolates up their nose.)
Also, people prioritize. I think they use the “if only there was more time” excuse to feel less guilt and/or pressure from their friends, who may or may not care whether they’re reading or not. We seem to be dividing into two distinct camps in this country: those who love and respect the learning process and those who forcibly reject it. There’s a whole story about the latter in the nytimes today. Pretty interesting. I personally find it horrifying that people would think it’s cute seeing their American Idol saying she thought Europe WAS a country, but it makes me want to squeeze my brain and wait for silence. Did I have a point? Oh yea, people will read if they want to read. Much like sitting in a restaurant with a book, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If they don’t want to read, then they shouldn’t feel bad about it. Excuses have no place.
Ah, well. Some post! I used to love going to the movies on my own but I’m so sick and tired of doing everything on my own that I don’t bother any more. It’s so boring having no one to talk to about the movie after. And all that tedious getting the bus home alone, having just done the equivalent of watching TV. It’s like going on holiday on your own. I’m just SO TIRED of it. It just feels pointless. But then I’m not the person to talk to about all this stuff, as you can see! I’ve posted posts like this too, and I always regret it – as you say, when the kind advice and compliments start pouring in.
Anyway, I celebrated Val’s Day by feeling so sick I had to go home and lie on the couch for 24 hours: problem solved!
I know exactly what you mean.
I LOVE spending time by myself. I actually wanted to spend Christmas Eve alone. I CRAVED it because I knew the next day would be filled with family obligations and lots of noise but instead, I got into an argument with my mother who thought I was mentally ill for wanting to spend a holiday alone.
Some people confuse alone with lonely. I don’t.
I hope you enjoyed your night with yourself….the best company in the world.
Totally looking forward to your thoughts on The Cowboys!
Red, would you be my valentine? :)
Johnny Virgil – hahahaha Yes!!
Sheila- I totally agree with needing a plan for exercise. If you need a good running calendar, like if you have a goal and just need something to tell you when and how much to run, how to increase your mileage each week, etc., I recommend Active.com. Their calendars are planned by trainers and athletes, so you don’t overface yourself and can work towards something.
Hope you had a great Valentine’s Day. It sounded very relaxing. :)
I have a friend in England who went through the trouble of making an “Aubrey” bear…sewed up his full regalia uniform, found a hat, which he wears “abreast” instead of to and fro, and boots…little boots! I told her what she should next do is find a way to get the shell of a toy bear and make it so that the Aubrey Bear can fit inside it! LOL
I love that scene with the dancing bear…I think Maturin was having TOO MUCH FUN making Jack dance…”consort with my future girlfriend, will you? DANCE!”
Sharon – yes!! And how he passed on word that the bear was with child – so “she” couldnt’ dance for long …
hahaha!
I love Maturin’s mischief, actually – it’s a really great side to his character, don’t you think??
Oh Maturin is HILARIOUS – POB blew me away with his style of writing because he does what I so admire Ursula LeGuin for: the EXACT use of a word or two to paint an entire picture or emotion. I loved Tolkien for the way he described things in detail and wrote in a variety of ways to make sure we could see what he saw, but I loved LeGuin for the exact opposite, a very elegant use of language, and I think POB does the same. I can SEE the expressions on Stephen’s and Jack’s faces and its through a single paragraph or phrase, rather than pages of description.
Give you joy…!
Oh, Lorrie Moore, I love you
I absolutely loved reading this recent interview with writer Lorrie Moore. There was so much I needed to hear, first of all … and I admire and love her writing so much. And anyone who faces awkward stressful situations by…