The Ex-Boyfriends

I’ve got a few. And just the other day I was saying to my friend Jackie, “Honest to God … sometimes I get an email from _____ and I feel like – why can’t you leave me alone??” It’s been 20 years since we dated. Why are you hanging on?? Why do you email me and sign off with such things as: “Nobody knows me as well as you do. Thanks for being there …” After 2 freakin’ decades of being separated. But the funny thing is … I DON’T really want them to “leave me alone”. If they suddenly stopped emailing me, I would feel bereft. Not that these are romantic emails. Of course not. It’s just shit they don’t feel comfortable telling anyone else. Even after 20 years. When I’m feeling lonely, sometimes the emails from these dudes is salt in Ye Olde wounds … even if I am happy (HAPPY) that we are not together. Like: damn, can’t someone say that crap to me and ALSO share my bed at night? For God’s SAKE. HOWEVER. I do not feel comfortable totally trashing this gift from God (and that is how I see it. I would probably never say that to the men in particular – they might get freaked – but yes. I feel that God has blessed me in this regard – with these guys, who feel the need to reach out to me, on occasion.) It’s like they go along without me, for sometimes years, and then need to touch base, get my opinion, bitch about things, talk, whatever. I don’t know – there’s something about being known and also remembered … it’s very grounding. And so in a weird way, I do feel lucky. (As well as cursed). But lucky that there are one or two guys out there (well, probably more – but only two are in regular contact with me) remember me. That I am specific to them. I am not generalized into “ex-girlfriend” vagueness. I am still Sheila to them. The girl who gives them this, who listens to them in this particular way … It’s not a burden. It really isn’t. And I bitch about it, at times, because I need to vent. Everyone needs to vent. I wonder what it is about me that is so essential to these ex-boyfriends. They do not torment me, or stalk me. They just never shut that door. We do not exchange nicey-nice Christmas cards. We do not chat on the phone. There is still something intense there … and so the emails pile up. Monday I moaned to Jackie in a “for God’s SAKE, just leave me alone” tone. Then yesterday, out of the blue, email from Michael. Which totally pierced through what was happening … he was thanking me for something … and he went right to the heart of the matter. There was a “nobody understands me but you” thing going on … and even though just the day before I had felt even vaguely harassed by the intense communications I get from time to time … in that moment yesterday, my eyes filled with tears – he emailed me out of the blue … in response to an email I had sent him maybe a month ago … but it came yesterday. And yes. I took a moment to thank God for Michael. To thank God for the ex-boyfriends who keep in touch, who remember me specifically, and who help me remember who I really am.