The Books: The Complete Essays of Mark Twain, ‘Stirring Times in Austria’

On the essays shelf:

The Complete Essays Of Mark Twain

As with most long essays, this one should be read in its entirety. It is 1898, and Mark Twain is in Austria. He is there at a particularly tumultuous time, when there seems to be a threat of revolution in the air, and yet the general feeling on the ground is that revolution wouldn’t really “work” in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. There are too many safeguards in place to keep the population tranquil, something that was undoubtedly true. The army was a constant presence (Stefan Zweig’s masterpiece novel Beware of Pity takes place in a garrison town on the border of the empire, and it gives such a sense of the pomp and circumstance which ruled that empire, filtering down to the most intimate levels – having an army presence like that in any culture has an almost soporific effect on the population. But don’t take my word for it. Read Zweig! And Zweig was a FAN of the Hapsburg Empire!) Mark Twain, there as a journalist, and there as a bystander, talked to people, many of whom seemed to feel that revolution, in the classic sense, was impossible in Austria (and its empire). He breaks it all down for us, in case we’re not up to speed. (Eddie Izzard once described the Hapsburgs as an empire that did “FUCK ALL” and then “slowly collapsed like a flan in a cupboard”, which is pretty spot on). The empire ruled over a contentious area of the world, crowded and argumentative, with 19 different languages (maybe more), and even more ethnicities, all of whom had ancient hatreds with one another, ancient grievances, and would start massacring one another overnight if given the chance. The Hapsburgs set up a system where they were not given the chance. Mark Twain discusses the policy of “disunity” that was put in place, something that Rebecca West herself observed on her trip through the same area in the late 1930s, which was then called Yugoslavia (exquisitely detailed in her book Black Lamb and Grey Falcon, one of the most important books of the 20th century). Plenty of people felt uneasy about the Balkans, and with good reason, but very few were prescient enough, prophetic enough, to actually see that the early 1990s were coming, that Milosevic was coming. Sure, people saw it in the 1980s. But who saw it in the late 1930s? Rebecca West did. Now, she was blatantly pro-Serb, her book echoes with that bias (Christopher Hitchens wrote the foreword to the latest edition of the book, and details that bias in exhaustive detail). It wasn’t meant to be a work of objective journalism (besides: objectivity doesn’t exist). It was a travelogue, it was a history lesson, it was Rebecca West traveling through that land and trying to understand all of the underlying issues, all as Europe armed up for war again.

I bring up Rebecca West, because in a 1981 interview with The Paris Review, she references this Mark Twain essay specifically, as one of the most prescient things she had ever read. Because in it, he predicts the rise of the Nazi Party, which wouldn’t begin for almost 30 years at that point. At the time of Twain’s writing, the Hapsburgs were well-ensconced in what seemed like eternal power, they had tradition and pomp and history on their side. Who could predict what was coming? Who could predict that a random unknown Serb would blow it all away on June 28, 1914? (Here’s Rebecca West on that world-altering event.)

Now, there were many people, as I said, who were uneasy about the Hapsburg situation. It was a fragile coalition, and it was a veneer placed over a hostile and fractious world. But Mark Twain not only saw that, he saw the underlying anti-Semitism in Vienna in a way that is deeply unsettling, and opens the door for a Hitler to come along and exploit it. When the Anschluss came in 1938, uniting Germany with Austria, and the Austrians greeted the moment with orgasmic frenzy, many who had hoped that Austria would stand strong, and protect its minority citizens, were devastated. Stefan Zweig and his wife fled to Brazil a couple of years later, and committed suicide together. I’m writing all of this from memory, so any errors in timeline are totally my own.

Rebecca West said, of “Stirring Times in Austria”:

“Well, I longed, when I was young, to write as well as Mark Twain. It’s beautiful stuff and I always liked him. If I wanted to write anything that attacked anybody, I used to have a look at his attack on Christian Science, which is beautifully written. He was a man of very great shrewdness. The earliest article on the Nazis, on Nazism, a sort of first foretaste, a prophetic view of the war, was an article by Mark Twain in Harper’s in, I should think, the nineties. He went to listen to the Parliament in Vienna and he describes an awful row and what the point of view of Luger, the Lord Mayor, was, and the man called George Schwartz, I think, who started the first Nazi paper, and what it must all lead to. It’s beautifully done. It’s the very first notice that I’ve ever found of the Austrian Nazi Party, that started it all.”

If that doesn’t pique your interest, nothing will.

So. Let me break down what is going on in the essay.

At the time that Mark Twain is there, he attends an historic meeting of the Parliament, where all hell breaks loose, and one guy, in order to stall for time, talks on the floor for 12 straight hours. A filibuster, of sorts. His 12-hour speech came after a day of intense fighting, and was followed by a couple more days of intense fighting. Mark Twain sat up in the gallery and watched it unfold, agog. He transcribed the entire argument, and much of it he reports here in script-form. It reads like a screenplay.

There were two issues at stake:
1. The “Ausgleich“. Every 10 years, Parliament had to vote on whether or not Hungary was still a part of the Empire. The unity of the two monarchies had to be renewed, in other words. (Background here.) There was a deadline for this vote and Mark Twain was there as the deadline approached. If they missed the window of opportunity, then Hungary would break off from the empire, and be its own country. Good news, maybe? But … how would it work? Hungary was so enmeshed in the trappings of the empire that it was basically a vassal state of Austria, and Hungary’s independence was seen as the Can of Big-Ass Worms that it was. The Parliament broke down into two sides – the government’s side, called the Right, and the Opposition side, called the Left. The dude who talked for 12 hours did so to take up time as the deadline approached, to perhaps sabotage the approaching deadline.

2. A vote was on the table to make German the official language of Bohemia (Czechoslovakia). Naturally, this got everyone up in arms. The Czechs screamed bloody murder, and the Germans shrieked about how they were being oppressed. Now think about 1938 and you can see the deadly seeds are being planted here. It is CHILLING.

Lastly, Mark Twain almost casually throws in a comment that with all of these fighting factions, they all have one thing in common: “They hate the Jews.”

He barely references it again but there it is, in plain words.

This is an extraordinary account of an amazing moment in history. Reading the transcript is yet another reminder of how adorable it is that people persist in believing that we live in the rudest age on earth and people were somehow more polite in the “olden days”. Adorable! Do those people believe in unicorns too?

The following excerpt is insane, and is just a tiny sliver of the whole. It gives a feel for the piece and its screenplay structure, and puts you up in that gallery with all of the other people, watching the mayhem erupt on the floor.

The Complete Essays Of Mark Twain, ‘Stirring Times in Austria’, by Mark Twain

There had been an incident. The dignity of the House had been wounded by improprieties indulged in in its presence by a couple of the members. This matter was placed in the hands of a committee to determine where the guilt lay, and the degree of it, and also to suggest the punishment. The chairman of the committee brought in his report. By this it appeared that, in the course of a speech. Deputy Schrammel said that religion had no proper place in the public schools – it was a private matter. Whereupon Deputy Gregorig shouted, “How about free love!”

To this, Deputy Iro flung out this retort: “Soda-water at the Wimberger!”

This appeared to deeply offend Deputy Gregorig, who shouted back at Iro, “You cowardly blatherskite, say that again!”

The committee had sat three hours. Gregorig had apologized; Iro had explained. Iro explained that he didn’t say anything about soda-water at the Wimberger. He explained in writing, and was very explicit: “I declare upon my word of honor that I did not say the words attributed to me.”

Unhappily for his word of honor, it was proved by the official stenographers and by the testimony of several deputies that he did say them.

The committee did not officially know why the apparently inconsequential reference to soda-water at the Wimberger should move Deputy Gregorig to call the utterer of it a cowardly blatherskite; still, after proper deliberation, it was of the opinion that the House ought to formally censure the whole business. This verdict seems to have been regarded as sharply severe. I think so because Deputy Dr. Lueger, Bürgermeister of Vienna, felt it a duty to soften the blow to his friend Gregorig by showing that the soda-water remark was not so innocuous as it might look; that indeed Gregorig’s tough retort was justifiable – and he proceeded to explain why. He read a number of scandalous post-cards which he intimated had proceeded rom Iro, as indicated by the handwriting, though they were anonymous. Some of them were posted to Gregorig at his place of business, and could have been read by all his subordinates; the others were posted to Gregorig’s wife. Lueger did not say – but everybody knew – that the cards referred to a matter of town gossip which made Mr. Gregorig a chief actor in a tavern scene where siphon-squirting played a prominent and humorous part, and wherein women had a share.

There were several of the cards; more than several, in fact; no fewer than five were sent in one day. Dr. Lueger read some of them, and described others. Some of them had pictures on them; one a picture of a hog with a monstrous snout, and beside it a squirting soda-siphon; below it some sarcastic doggerel.

Gregorig deals in shirts, cravats, etc. One of the cards bore these words: “Much respected Deputy and collar-sewer – or stealer.”

Another: “Hurray for the Christian-Social work among the women assemblages! Hurrah for the soda-squirter!” Comment by Dr. Lueger: “I cannot venture to read the rest of that one, nor the signature either.”

Another: “Would you mind telling me if …”

Comment by Dr. Lueger: ” The rest of it is not properly readable.”

To Deputy Gregorig’s wife: “Much respected Madam Gregorig – The undersigned desires an invitation to the next soda-squirt.” Comment by Dr. Lueger: “Neither the rest of the card nor the signature can I venture to read to the House, so vulgar are they.”

The purpose of this card – to expose Gregorig to his family – was repeated in others of these anonymous missives.

The House, by vote, censured the two improper deputies.

This may have had a modifying effect upon the phraseology of the membership for a while, and upon its general exuberance also, but it was not for long. As has been seen, it had become lively once more on the night of the Long Sitting. At the next sitting after the long one there was certainly no lack of liveliness. The President was persistently ignoring the Rules of the House in the interest of the government side, and the Minority were in an unappeasable fury about it. The ceaseless din and uproar, the shouting and stamping and desk-banging, were deafening, but through it all burst voices now and then that made themselves heard. Some of the remarks were of a very candid sort, and I believe that if they had been uttered in our House of Representatives they would have attracted attention. I will insert some samples here. Not in their order, but selected on their merits:

Dr. Mayreder (to the President). “You have lied! You conceded the floor to me; make it good, or you have lied!”

Mr. Glöckner (to the President). “Leave! Get out!”

Wolf (indicating the President). “There sits a man to whom a certain title belongs!”

Unto Wolf, who is continuously reading, in a powerful voice, from a newspaper, arrive these personal remarks from the Majority: “Oh, shut your mouth!” “Put him out!” “Out with him!” Wolf stops reading a moment to shout at Dr. Lueger, who has the floor, but cannot get a hearing, “Please, Betrayer of the People, begin!”

Dr. Lueger. “Meine Herren – ” [“Oho!” and groans.]

Wolf. “That’s the holy light of the Christian Socialist!”

Mr. Kletzenbauer (Christian Socialist). “Dam-nation! are you ever going to quiet down?”

Wolf discharges a galling remark at Mr. Wohlmeyer.

Wohlmeyer (responding). “You Jew, you!”

There is a moment’s lull, and Dr. Lueger begins his speech. Graceful, handsome man, with winning manners and attractive bearing, a bright and easy speaker, and is said to know how to trim his political sails to catch any favoring wind that blows. He manages to say a few words, then the tempest overwhelms him again.

Wolf stops reading his paper a moment to say a drastic thing about Lueger and his Christian-Social pieties, which sets the C.S.’s in a sort of frenzy.

Mr. Vielohlawek. “You leave the Christian Socialists alone, you word-of-honor breaker! Obstruct all you want to, but you leave them alone! You’ve no business in this House; you belong in a gin-mill!”

Mr. Prochazka. “In a lunatic asylum, you mean!”

Vielohlawek. “It’s a pity that such a man should be leader of the Germans; he disgraces the German name!”

Dr. Scheicher. “It’s a shame that the like of him should insult us.”

Strohbach (to Wolf). “Contemptible cub – we will bounce thee out of this!” [It is inferable that the “thee” is not intended to indicate affection this time, but to reinforce and emphasize Mr. Strohbach’s scorn.]

Dr. Scheicher. “His insults are of no consequence. He wants his ears boxed.”

Dr. Lueger (to Wolf). “You’d better worry a trifle over your Iro’s word of honor. You are behaving like a street arab.”

Dr. Scheicher. “It’s infamous!”

Dr. Lueger. “And these shameless creatures are the leaders of the German People’s Party!”

Meantime Wolf goes whooping along with his newspaper-readings in great contentment.

Dr. Pattai. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You haven’t the floor!”

Strohbach. “The miserable cub!”

Dr. Lueger (to Wolf, raising his voice strenuously above the storm). “You are a wholly honorless street brat!” [A voice, “Fire the rapscallion out!” But Wolf’s soul goes marching noisily on, just the same.]

Schönerer (vast and muscular, and endowed with the most powerful voice in the Reichsrath; comes plowing down through the standing crowds, red, and choking with anger; halts before Deputy Wohlmeyer, grabs a rule and smashes it with a blow upon a desk, threatens Wohlmeyer’s face with his fist, and bellows out some personalities, and a promise). “Only you wait – we’ll teach you!” [A whirlwind of offensive retorts assails him from the band of meek and humble Christian Socialists compacted around their leader, that distinguished religious expert, Dr. Lueger, Bürgermeister of Vienna. Our breath comes in excited gasps now, and we are full of hope. We imagine that we are back fifty years ago in the Arkansas Legislature, and we think we know what is going to happen, and are glad we came, and glad we are up in the gallery, out of the way, where we can see the whole thing and yet not have to supply any of the material for the inquest. However, as it turns out, our confidence is abused, our hopes are misplaced.]

Dr. Pattai (wildly excited). “You quiet down, or we shall turn ourselves loose! There will be a cuffing of ears!”

Prochazka (in a fury). “Not – not ear-boxing, but genuine blows!”

Vielohlawek. “I would rather take my hat off to a Jew than to Wolf!”

Strohbach (to Wolf). “Jew-flunky! Here we have been fighting the Jews for ten years, and now you are helping them to power again. How much do you get for it?”

Holansky. “What he wants is a strait-jacket!”

Wolf continues his readings. It is a market report now.

Remark flung across the House to Schönerer: “Die Grossmutter aug den Misthaufen erzeugt worden!”

It will be judicious not to translate that. Its flavor is pretty high, in any case, but it becomes particularly gamey when you remember that the first gallery was well stocked with ladies.

Apparently it was a great hit. It fetched thunders of joyous enthusiasm out of the Christian Socialists, and in their rapture they flung biting epithets with wasteful liberality at specially detested members of the Opposition; among them, this one at Schönerer: “Bordell in der Krugerstrasse!” Then they added these words, which they whooped, howled, and also even sang, in a deep-voiced chorus: “Schmul lieb’ Kohn! Schmul lieb’ Kohn! Schmul lieb’ Kohn!” and made it splendidly audible above the banging of desk-boards and the rest of the roaring cyclone of fiendish voices. [A gallery witticism comes flitting by from mouth to mouth around the great curve: “The swan-song of Austrian representative government!” You can note its progress by the applausive smiles and nods it gets as it skims along.]

Kletzenbauer. “Holofernes, where is Judith?” [Storm of laughter.]

Gregorig (the shirt-merchant). “Notice him, gentleman; it is Mr. Gregorig.” [Laughter.]

Vielohlawek (to Wolf). “You Judas!”

Schneider. “Brothel-Knight!”

Chorus of Voices. “East-German offal-tub!”

And so the war of epithets crashes along, with never-diminishing energy, for a couple of hours.

The ladies in the gallery were learning. That was well; for by and large ladies will form a part of the membership of all the legislatures of the world; as soon as they can prove competency they will be admitted. At present, men only are competent to legislate; therefore they look down upon women, and would feel degraded if they had to have them for colleagues in their high calling.

Wolf is yelling another market report now.

Gessman. “Shut up, infamous louse-brat!”

During a momentary lull Dr. Lueger gets a hearing for three sentences of his speech. They demand and require that the President shall suppress the four noisiest members of the Opposition.

Wolf (with a that-settles-it toss of the head). “The shifty trickster of Vienna has spoken!”

Iro belonged to Schönerer’s party. The word-of-honor incident has given it a new name. Gregorig is a Christian Socialist, and hero of the post-cards and the Wimberger soda-squirting incident. He stands vast and conspicuous, and conceited and self-satisfied, and roosterish and inconsequential, at Lueger’s elbow, and is proud and cocky to be in such great company. He looks very well indeed; really majestic, and aware of it. He crows out his little empty remark, now and then, and looks as pleased as if he had been delivered of the Ausgleich. Indeed, he does look notably fine. He wears almost the only dress vest of the floor; it exposes a continental spread of white shirt-front; his hands are posed at lease in the lips of his trouser pockets; his head is tilted back complacently; he is attitudinizing’ he is playing to the gallery. However, they are all doing that. It is curious to see. Men who only vote, and can’t make speeches, and don’t know how to invent witty ejaculations, wander about the vacated parts of the floor, and stop in a good place and strike attitudes – attitudes suggestive of weighty thought, mostly – and glance furtively up at the galleries to see how it works; or a couple will come together and shake hands in an artificial way, and laugh a gay manufactured laugh, and do some constrained and self-conscious attitudinizing; and they steal glances at the galleries to see if they are getting notice. It is like a scene on the stage – by-play by minor actors at the back while the stars do the great work at the front. Even Count Badeni attitudinizes for a moment; strikes a reflective Napoleonic attitude of fine picturesqueness – but soon thinks better of it and desists. There are two who do not attitudinize – poor harried and insulted President Abrahamowicz, who seems wholly miserable, and can find no way to put in the dreary time but by swinging his bell and by discharging occasional remarks which nobody can hear; and a resigned and patient priest, who sits lonely in a great vacancy on Majority territory and munches an apple.