Yet another entry from my junior year in high school for Diary Friday: My junior year: an unrequited love with the passion of a thousand suns blossoms for a guy named David. Naturally, nothing ever happened with David. But he took up an entire year of my life.
JAN. 2
J. slept over last night. We had a really good time talking about – what else?? We looked them up in yearbooks of long ago. [Long ago! hahahahaha 2 years before?] My, my, they both have improved!! We looked at all the ‘senior guys’ of last year – Matt B., Josh L., Bobby R., Matt M., John A. – we speculated on “who has and who hasn’t.” Yes, I know we shouldn’t but I am curious and I do wonder. [Sheila, your diary doesn’t JUDGE you. Not for curiousity about sex or anything else. Calm down.] How does it happen? (Wait) What I mean is – I know that some kids have slept together but how do they lead up to it? Are they drunk? Is it in a car? (Blah) How will it happen with me? I hope it’s not like [then I drew an arrow up to where I wrote “Is it in a car?”] I think I have good judgment and I know what I want. Dolores gave me a Playgirl for my birthday with Harrison Ford on the cover. We looked at that for a while and I’m sorry but it is disgusting! Yuk!!! Those men are so gross!! I have made up my mind to remain a virgin. (Well maybe not – but still!!!) Some of the stories they have in there – I feel so so soiled after reading them. I’m scared, Diary. Does everyone have oral sex? Has everyone been doing that all this time? Euuu! Sex, to me, has always seemed so natural and beautiful [you coulda fooled me] (I mean – the way I thought it was supposed to be) – just a joining of two people who really love each other [ah, your 4th grade sex-ed class did you well!]. But the people in there do all these gross things with each other and I try to imagine myself – I just can’t. I’m afraid. I’m so naive. Oral sex? I’m scared.
Also though, I was just browsing through the magazine just now – the pictures I just flipped by – those don’t ‘do’ anything for me [hahahaha, I love how now I’m talking like a sexual woman of the world. “Yeah, that doesn’t do anything for me …”] – all the guys are ugly anyway – but the stories – so explicit! I felt myself drawn in – I wanted to read more – I couldn’t pull my eyes away. A lot of it is gross and unintelligent but some of it …
After I put it away I turned on my radio to “Every Breath You Take”, turned off all the lights in my room and lay on my back on the floor. Of course David came into my mind and I thought about him – not gross indecent things [what??? “Indecent”? Who are you, Mullah O’Malley?] But just generally – I pictured him kneeling beside me on my floor and leaning over to kiss me. I’m sorry but to me, holding hands and gently kissing seems more romantic than that stupid oral stuff. [hahahahahahahahaha. You’ll change your tune, Sheila, when you’re ready. Calm down.]
Maybe I’m a baby. I haven’t even been kissed yet. So how do I know?
But reading those stories, I started to feel sort of hot, and I thought about Dave. [And that, dear Sheila, is the whole point of erotica. The end.] I threw the magazine in my drawer and picked you up to write this down. Normally I’m not so perverted. I don’t like feeling so perverted.
You know what J. also said? “You know, if something ever happens between us – I mean – Don’t you think it might shock them over how passionately we feel towards them already?” “I know! I know! He has no idea of the extent. I’m glad. I wonder what he’d do if he read my diary.” “Well, Sheila – if I ever read some guy’s diary and I found my name in every entry, everything I’ve ever said, every single move I make – I think I’d be frightened off.” “Me too. It’s weird how they just don’t know. I’m glad he doesn’t.”
I am too. Maybe he does get the picture, but is shy or doesn’t know what to do about it. What am I supposed to do?
[One quick note: I love how the song I chose to listen to in order to go deeper into my “perverted” feelings about David is the ultimate creepy stalker song.]
how adorable
i was in band too
played the trumpet
and while i did not have a band crush
i did use the get away time
my folks thougtht i was at an away game
going late
to party hardy
let me off the hook a lot!
I am relieved to know that normally you are not so perverted. I don’t think I could read you anymore if you were! I don’t like feeling so perverted.
This is so cringe-y/hysterical to me because I had the exact same reaction to Playgirl and “that stupid oral stuff” at that age. Whither romance and true love and just holding hands? And, hoo boy, if the me I am now had tried to tell junior-year-me about the Hitachi, junior-year-me would have SOBBED in heartbreak and spluttered something about how it’s supposed to be beautiful and natural, not mechanical. And then I would have called the me I am now a dirty old monster.
Ilyka – I am seriously shaking with laughter. Yes!!! Hitachi? What?? Horrifying.
And yes, love how “perverted” I thought I was for dreaming about being kissed. I am shocked at how BRAZEN I was!
Also I love how I write:
Has everyone been doing that all this time?
Actually, no. It was invented in 1983. It’s extremely recent.
Lord, the horror of oral sex. “What? Put THAT in my MOUTH?” I remember a friend with whom I took a solemn vow (in, uh, 9th grade) to never, ever let a PENIS near my mouth. As for letting a guy do that to me DOWN THERE? EEEEEEEKKKKKK! What kind of a freak would want to put their mouth THERE? Ah, hating one’s own body, it starts so early….We didn’t even need to take a vow on that, we were certain there existed no temptation great enough to break down our vulvular revulsion.
Little did I know that within two years I’d be doing it six ways to Sunday and renting porn with my recently graduated boyfriend. So much for solemn vows uttered over Baskin Robbins.
solemn vows uttered over Baskin Robbins hahahahahahaha Totally.
This brings to mind a slew of news reports about two years ago about how middle-schoolers (like, 6TH GRADERS) were on an oral sex rampage and how cameras had to be set up in school bathrooms because otherwise kids would be sneaking in there between classes to do it and I just could not get my head around this because in 6th grade? I don’t think I’d heard of oral sex yet but if I had, I know I’d have been all, “Wait, what? Put WHAT in my mouth? You’re sick and NO ONE would ever do THAT!” So, I dunno if the reports were exaggerated or if kids today are toally different.
(There was a camera in my daughter’s middle school bathroom and then we moved to rural Idaho. No connection. But no camera in the Idaho bathroom, for the record.)
Oh Diana, ew–they put a camera in the middle school bathroom? Honestly? That’s awful!
Hahaha! I just want to write a high-schoolish five-paragraph essay based on that now. “The 1980s saw the emergence of many inventions we take for granted today: Mobile phones, fitness clubs, and oral sex.”
I forgot to mention how much I love J. in this entry. “Well, Sheila”–like, “I’m not saying you’re keeping more of a stalklog than a diary, but . . . .”
Actually, in that particular school, it was reassuring that there were cameras everywhere, even in the bathrooms! It was a refreshing change to move to Idaho and have the most pressing junior high school issue be – gum.
ok, so sorry to be the one to have to tell the tales, but around here the middle schoolers and high schoolers would rather casually hook up with oral sex (less of a committment in their minds) than with “real sex”. In fact, I was talking with a pediatrician recently who told me there are outrageous amounts of herpes due to this.
Sheila, our 15 year old selves would be mortified.
Beth – we were too busy (thank God) pressing our faces against the tile to cool off from dancing to Rock Lobster.
Speaking of….one of my kindergarteners came in from recess the other day, all hot and sweaty. She caught me looking at her while she was pressing her face against the cool wall, and got embarrassed. I simply said to her, “I used to dance so hard that I would need to press my face against the wall. It feels good, doesn’t it?” She asked, “Were you in kindergarten too?” “No, I was a teenager in high school.” aaah, well.