Any time I get too big for my britches, or start to take myself too seriously, my friend Mitchell is wont to say, quietly, ” ‘Don’t even try’…”
‘Don’t even try’ is a quote – or part of a quote – a quote from one of my more absurd moments, a quote from perhaps my most ridiculous moment, and Mitchell throws it in my face when he thinks I need it. I often need it.
Here’s the scoop (and this is a re-post of something very old on my site, something that has, beautifully, become a catch-phrase among people who weren’t even there, so I thought I would put it up again, for my new readers, so you can be in on the joke. The joke that is me):
I was in college. All of us were at a party at “Sue and Seann’s”. Sue and Seann were a couple, their names blended together into one word: SueandSeann – and they had a house “down the line” (on the beach, that is) and we would convene there for raucous hilarious cast parties.
At one of these parties someone turned on the TV and CHiPs was on.
CHiPs was a show I watched obsessively as a young kid. I loved John, not Ponch. Ponch’s pearly whites alienated me. John seemed like a guy you could actually talk to. Their jodhpurs were too tight and that made me uneasy, but in general, I could overlook that, and enjoy the program. I was embarrassed for them that they HAD to ride side by side on the freeway, it seemed a bit codependent, but despite that minor annoyance, I was a fan.
So at this party in college, where I am sure some underage drinking was going on, we all sat around, watching this re-run of CHiPs, re-living our respective childhoods, laughing hysterically at the show (and ourselves). It was a blast. There were about 6 of us doing this.
Now. Here is where it gets blurry. Not because I was drunk, but because the memory shames me and I keep trying to block it out.
I would be successful in blocking this event out, if Mitchell (and Antonio – the boyfriend in question) didn’t keep reminding me of it.
I was sitting next to Antonio, who was my boyfriend at the time.
During our CHiPs rap session, I remembered one of the old episodes of CHiPs (it was not the one we were watching) and I started to describe it to the group. Mainly to my boyfriend, because he was a captive audience (one of the best audiences I’ve ever had), but my other friends were looking on.
I began to tell the episode I remembered start to finish. I hadn’t seen it in eons, of course, but it made an impression. Not a GOOD impression, like that one episode of Eight is Enough that changed my life – but an impression of CONTEMPT.
Perhaps you might remember it:
Ponch fell in love. He loved, lost, grieved, and recovered – all in a one-hour episode. The woman he fell in love with was Beverly Sasson, a dark-haired toothy beauty. Ponch’s love-personality was unbelieably cheesy. It made me embarrassed for him. Even as a child, I didn’t go for cheese. There were a couple of montages, sadly – imagine: two montages in an hour-long program – of the two of them walking on the beach, eating ice cream … (to show time passing, love growing). There was even an embarrassing shot of the two of them on a carousel, laughing at how quickly their love was growing over this montage.
Were there issues in their relationship? I cannot remember. All I know is – Ponch loved this woman. I think Ponch wanted to marry her, and he bought her a ring. He was getting all ready to propose – when tragedy struck.
Beverly Sasson was crossing a street and she was hit, and killed, by a drunk-driver.
Ponch is devastated. Erik Estrada is given some closeup screen-time where his eyes fill up with horrified tears – all to please the Tiger Beat audience members (of which I was one, even though I loved John. I loved John because I have always had a soft spot for the underdog … It didn’t seem fair to me, my 10 year old self, that Ponch got all the female attention just because of those damn teeth.)
The episode ends with Ponch standing on the sunset beach, the very beach where they had walked together, during their multiple montages, staring out at the waves, letting his lost love go. He throws the engagement ring into the surf.
You know, somehow, that Ponch will never love again. You are supposed to care about this.
The screen goes black.
Now all of this is relatively un-insulting stuff, if a bit lame. I didn’t have contempt for any of this when I was a youngun watching it, although the laughing-sunset-lit romance was not my style. Because, yeah, as a 10 year old girl, I had a style. I did, though. But anyway, I had no beef with any of this.
(Please imagine me telling this whole story to a group of my drunken or hungover friends, age 19, 20).
My problem with the episode came after the screen went to black.
Because THEN – white words on the black screen:
“Every year 5 kajillion people are killed by drunk drivers. Please don’t drink and drive.”
Okay.
So there’s a lot going on here. Let me try to get my thoughts together.
Even as a 10 year old, I had HUGE scorn for that ending. Especially the white words on the black screen. I remember thinking, yes, I remember it clearly, “But … the entire SHOW wasn’t about drunk drivers … ”
I may have only been a kid but I recognized a shameless manipulative ploy when I saw one.
It seemed to me (although I wouldn’t have put it in these words as a kid) that the producers of CHiPs had a confused approach to this relatively simple episode: they wanted to have a gushy romantic story, featuring Ponch, to please the ladies in their audience. That’s fine. That’s what television is made up of. But then they also wanted to do an “issue” show, to show that they are actually a serious series.
If the show had begun with Beverly being hit by a drunk driver, and then the rest of the hour spent with Ponch trying to get justice for her, or trying to punish the drunk driver – THEN those white words on the black screen would have made sense.
But as it was – it seemed like just a cynical ploy, a plot-point – a RUSE to make CHiPs seem like an important show.
I had HUGE scorn for that, as a 10 year old. I saw right through their stupid little game.
Okay, so there’s the back-story. Fast-forward to Sue and Seann’s. I was telling this whole thing to my boyfriend, who was listening patiently, I am sure on some level enjoying me, enjoying how seriously I took this.
“And so then, there’s this whole stupid montage where they fall in love … God, he was just so cheesy … and THEN … he buys her a ring … and he’s all excited … but you just know it’s not gonna work out well, because there’s only 10 minutes left in the show ….”
Then I described the ending, and the white letters on the blank screen.
I was caustic in my indictment: “They wanted to suddenly turn themselves into a serious issues show where they tackle stuff like drunk driving – but it was so stupid because she was killed in the last 10 minutes of the show – That’s not a whole SHOW devoted to an issue – They turned her death into some stupid plot-point, a MESSAGE, and then tried to SPIN it as some big important issue!!”
As I spoke like this to my poor boyfriend, my rage at CHiPs grew. It was an organic phenomenon. I hadn’t realized how ANGRY I was about that episode until I started to talk about it.
And here is what happened next:
I was leaning right into my boyfriend’s face, all worked up into a rampage, and I was yelling (yes, I was yelling) right into Antonio’s face:
“Don’t even TRY, CHiPs, don’t even TRY!!!” (Then, a caustic aside, as though speaking right to the producers:) “CHiPs ….” like, PLEASE. (Back to the yelling:) “Don’t even TRY, CHIPS!”
I said it multiple times. I was yelling, “Don’t even try, CHiPs” at my boyfriend. Repeatedly.
As though HE had been responsible for that episode.
At some point during this, he started laughing at me. He had been enduring my assault – and when he realized that somehow I had turned him into the producers of CHIPS – and that I was seriously yelling at him – he LOST it.
Mitchell, who had been watching me slowly get worked up for the previous 5 minutes, stood off to the side, stunned – and then he started laughing at me too.
I was so ANGRY that “Chips” even “TRIED” to be a serious show. Like: do not even TRY, Chips!! You’re CHIPS. Accept that you are CHIPS. DO NOT EVEN TRY.
“Don’t even try, CHiPs” is still a common phrase between Mitchell and myself.
Recently I said something to Mitchell like, “I mean, yeah, I’m a serious woman, I’m cerebral – but that’s not all there is to it! I have other sides too.”
Mitchell interjected, “Don’t even try, CHiPs.”
Put me right in my place, I tell ya.
It wasn’t CHiPs that made me angry. It was CHiPs even TRYING that put me over the edge.
I confess to being one of those people who now uses the phrase ‘Don’t even try, CHiPs’, which of course makes absolutely no sense at all to those I am speaking to. I also randomly ask people if they want to see a photo of my eyeball at odd moments because of this blog.
Carrie – hahahaha that damn eyeball! What a romantic Valentine’s day gift!
“Don’t even TRY, CHiPs” can be used to great effect in so many different situations.
Yeah…what the fuck? I’m mad too.
CHiPs was supposed to end with some thumbs up action, Erik Estrada’s pearly whites flashing unabashedly and John’s shy smile…laughing at some silly end to their 30 minute long misadventure…chasing kids on dirt bikes or a bank robber in a ski mask.
Me, too. Once Alex was trying VERY hard to convince me he was too sick to go to school. He was limping around the house, trying to do pale and wan without actually BEING pale and wan, and then he cast me a baleful look from the couch like a small blonde boy Camille and coughed, to which I immediately responded, “Don’t even try, CHiPs.”
Then he said, “Did you just call me Chip?”
Lisa!!!!!! I am dying with laughter!
Why are you calling me Chip, Mom??
As funny as I recalled. You’re not a joke. You do have a gift for narrating the mundane weirdness of life. We all probably have had our ‘CHIPS’ moments, but not all of us can make them funny stories!
This story never gets old.
Last week, I was out with some friends. It was a really light-hearted evening. I brought up some documentary I had watched the night before and my friend Darren bursts out “girl, you’re supposed to be having fun. Don’t get all very-special- episode-of-‘Blossom’ on us!” I immediately thought of the CHiPs story.
BLOSSOM!!!!!!
hahahahahahahaha
Don’t even TRY Blossom!!!
Dan – haha
Yeah, really. Any bozo can get all worked up about politics. But CHiPs? That’s a special gift!
I love how everyone is writing out CHiPs the correct way. It totally tickles my funny bone.
De – in your brief comment, about the ski masks and the dirt bikes, you have totally captured the vibe that is CHiPs. KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, CHiPs! Don’t even TRY to be anything else!!!
So Sheila hath spoken.
This is my favorite story ever…but I have to say, one of the best parts of this post was:
“Perhaps you might remember it:”
I love you and I’m furious at you at the same time.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Come on, TELL ME YOU DON’T REMEMBER THIS!!!
“Perhaps you might remember it”
dying.
Alex: Love is indistinguishable from rage. At least that is the case with us.
It’s true.
“Don’t tell me how to feel, Gay Ball.”
…and then there’s that.
Yeah. Then there’s that.
I will NOT have a gay ball telling me HOW TO FEEL.
Alex, do you remember how hard we laughed at that????? Your neighbors must have thought we were BATSHIT.
d0nt 3v3n TRY @r0n brrrr!
@l3x h
We use this phrase all the time, whether it fits or not. We will MAKE it fit.
im dying…i soooo remember watching the build up..i remember u casually sitting on the floor at first and eventually being up in Antonio’s face, on ur knees…yelling! …and Gay Balls!!! Fuck u both!!!! Where u talking about a skater?????
wow…seriously bad grammar, Fain!
Mitchell – I was shouting at Scott Hamilton. He said something like, “This was the best episode ever, wasn’t it?” and I shouted, “Don’t tell me how to feel Gay Ball!”
Inappropriate.
Inappropriate yes, but anatomically accurate as well.
i somehow missed out on this one earlier, sheila, but what a great story! also, i’m dying over Ken’s Alexander Hamilton comment!
one of the things that more often comes up in conversation [for me, from you] is “kevin’s got issues,” allison’s paraphrase of — what was it? we need to talk about kevin? i don’t even remember for sure the name of the actual book!
my roommate did something similar to me:
“well, we could watch this documentary — i think it’s called ‘the earth is great!’ or something like that.”
“do you mean ‘planet earth’?”
David – Her poor neighbors must have just heard us screaming “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL GAY BALL” over and over and over for 45 minutes.
And it was so perfect. So right. He was really telling us how to feel about that last skater. I was pissed off and felt manipulated.
Like…look Scott Hamilton, don’t cheat me out of my own feelings. You’re announcing right now. Just announce. And if you have an emotion, then have it. Fine. But Sheila and I are having our OWN skating experience! We’re okay with what’s happeneing to us. Don’t pretend to be ONE thing, when you’re really something else. GAY BALL!
You were absolutely justified, Sheila. I was in your corner. And screw my neighbors. There was nothing at stake for them.
Don’t even TRY, Scott Hamilton!!!!
Hilarious. I can see the entire scene clearly as though I were there. Just can’t stop smiling.
Of course I never had the relationship you do with CHiPs but I am now angry at the show as well.
Hilarious. I can see the entire scene clearly as though I were there. Just can’t stop smiling.
Of course I never had the relationship you do with CHiPs but I am now angry at the show as well.
Oooh, this is one of my favorite stories (along with your road kill massacre). Like so many others, I too have appropriated “Don’t even try, CHiPs!” In its original context, it’s just brilliant but what’s even better about it is its versatility. I do believe I was driving once and someone tried to edge into my lane without much room and I was all, “Don’t even try, CHiPs!” And it was not, in fact, a California Highway Patrol car trying to cut me off. So yeah, I took some liberties with it. Hope you don’t mind. It’s just so effective and multi-purpose.
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hahaha, that’s amazing. I get it though, I’m not twenty anymore and I STILL get way too worked up over stuff like that. Our TV shows are SERIOUS business. I mean, very unserious, but we take it seriously. Although THEY shouldn’t take themselves too seriously. You get it.
Don’t even TRY, CHIPs.
As you have noticed, I’m watching Starsky & Hutch and LOVING it, and taking lots of notes, and I have a whole section devoted to those episodes where either they fall madly in love and the woman dies all in 50 minutes, or the episode starts and we have to get attached to Hutch’s girlfriend whom we’ve never seen before, and we’re all collectively pretending we care. Those 70s shows are amazing.
Haven’t found CHIPs yet but I think my next one will be Charlie’s Angels.
// we’re all collectively pretending we care. //
I’m crying.