When I was a kid, my best friend’s parents had one of those huge Time-Life photo books. I became obsessed with it. It was very disturbing stuff and I was drawn to it with a queasy fascination. I was 9, 10, 11 years old and some of those pictures – the most famous pictures of the 20th century – were NOT fit for child viewing.

There was the Buddhist monk on fire. Holocaust photos. A line of people kneeling by a huge open grave, with a firing squad behind them. Horror. The famous photo from Vietnam of the guy pointing a gun at a man, and it’s the moment just before firing. I’m an adult and I’m traumatized by that photo. The “napalm girl.” The unforgettable picture of the woman who jumped off the Empire State Building, landing in a car below, perfectly placed on her back, tidy and trim in her gloves and suit and lipstick, like she was asleep. I was so haunted by this photo, I cannot even tell you. I could not get this woman out of my mind. Every time I was at my friend’s house, I couldn’t resist. I had to go look at it. The car was crushed. The woman was perfect, beautiful, eyes closed. She was like Sleeping Beauty. (Sheila. Put the book down. Go play dodgeball and get your Keds and Toughskin jeans all dirty.) But I would close my eyes and see the expression on that Vietnamese man’s face right before he was killed.
Clearly the book made a huge impression on me.
One picture really grabbed me. I was drawn to it like I was drawn to the suicide photo. I would look at it as deeply as I could, trying to understand it. And I’m not sure, still, what it was I sensed. I was just a child. A girl stands in the ocean, long blonde hair, arms outstretched, wearing a white shirt with the word JESUS and a heart on the back.
There was some caption about the Jesus movement and all the counterculture kids running away to join communes, cutting all ties with their middle-class imperialist corporate-pig parents.

I didn’t get it, but I vaguely understood the concept and it scared me. Who were these kids? Where did they go? Weren’t their parents worried?
Again: Sheila. Go outside. Hang upside down on the jungle gym. Fall off and knock your tooth out. Do anything else.
For whatever reason, I was so struck by this woman in the ocean. I wondered about her life. Had she run away? Was she okay? Where did she live?
Ironically: the picture shows her in a state of bliss. But I felt anxious looking at it. This is not retrospect talking. It’s one of my most vivid childhood memories. This book and those two photos, in particular.
Cut to 2014.
I haven’t thought about Jesus Freak Lady since I was 4 feet tall, wearing scuffed Keds, a Star Wars T-shirt, with a battered baseball glove in my backpack. I’m years away from that book in 2014. I go to a screening of Inherent Vice. I am absolutely in love with the movie from the first second. I am in heaven.
Then comes this moment:

And it all came rushing back, and I knew EXACTLY who she was. I knew EXACTLY Paul Thomas Anderson’s inspiration. Nobody can tell me different. And even if he admitted to it later in an interview that I haven’t heard, I clocked it all on my own. I love it when that happens.

It’s part of what happens with memory and how connections are made in the unconscious and the connections are yours, because they come from your experience, and you bring all those memories to bear when you’re immersed in a work of art. The calling up of those memories is PART of the experience.
Even though that book seriously disturbed me, and I could not get the image of piles of bodies in concentration camps out of my mind, and I was haunted by that peaceful Sleeping Beauty suicide (“why????” I agonized as a kid, staring at her peaceful face), I’m not sorry I found it. It helped me enter the world.
This brings us back to Inherent Vice. When I was a child, I kept hoping that Jesus girl was okay. I didn’t know why the photo made me anxious and I didn’t question it. All I knew was I looked at her, and I felt like she was floating untethered from something, that she was lost.
When I saw Inherent Vice decades later, I thought of that photograph. When the final moment of the film came … I knew. Back then, I was picking up on something. The darkness flickering on the periphery of the Age of Aquarius.

9-year-old me sensed something back then. I was right to be worried.
I wonder if Paul Thomas Anderson felt the same way.
Footnote
In case you don’t know the photo, here is Evelyn Francis McHale, dead from jumping off the Empire State Building in 1947.

Here is a fascinating 2009 article – which I read avidly at the time. Incredible investigative journalism there. Her suicide note is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.