Once upon a time, I loved Michael Jackson. I owned Thriller. I owned Off the Wall. I thought his videos were the coolest things I had ever seen. I grew up in the 80s. He was IT at the time. IT.
However, I have not loved Michael Jackson for a long long time now. Not because he’s on trial, or because he’s such a FREAK, or weird, or whatever … all of these things are true, but that’s not what made the tide turn. I think the tide began to turn for me around the time when that video came out which was a fascist fantasy. Anyone remember that? The one with Michael in bright red military garb and mirrored Qaddafi-esque sunglasses, marching along the empty avenue in front of robotic troops, and then the unveiling of the 30-story high statue of Michael, with helicopters flying between the statue’s legs. It was Stalinesque, the whole thing was really weird.
When I saw that (whenever that was) I remember thinking: “Huh. That’s … how you say in English … a bit loony.”
Huge egos are to be expected in that industry, but … a fascistic fantasy of taking over the world? It’s a bit much, dude. Tone it down.
And the face-shifting surgery (where was the cute black kid on the Off the Wall album cover? Where did he go? I LOVED him!), and then the first scandal with kids sleeping in his bed, and the huge settlement paid out, and then his utterly bizarre stunt against Tommy Mottola a couple years ago, parading through New York holding up signs of Mottola as a devil and suddenly accusing him of racism (huh? Michael. Please. First of all: YOU ARE WHITE NOW. Second of all, you have made millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars for the record company. You have one bad album come out, which is your own fault, and suddenly they’re racists? You’re a lunatic.) Then came the baby-dangling fiasco, and the unbelievably revealing documentary that came out last year …
I mean, the man is a lunatic.
And to top it all off … his music sucks now, too. And it has for a long while. It’s over.
I look now at his inhuman-looking face, the sculpted planes of his strange bones, and I remember the jolly kid with the Afro, wearing a tux, and I mourn it. I mourn the loss of that kid. I really do.
For those of you who always thought he was a freak, or for those of you who hate his music – you will not get this post at all.
But I have extremely fond and personal memories tied up with some of his songs. He was a huge part of my life in high school, and my first couple of years of college. Watching him self-destruct has been vaguely upsetting. And enraging, as well.
Spoke with my friend Mitchell today who told me about Chris Rock’s comments on the issue – something along the lines of: “Dude, we gave you a pass on that first kid. You got a pass. And now you are GOIN’ DOWN.”
Looks that way.
But Mitchell and I did have a brief moment of nostalgia for one of our favorite memories in our friendship which has to do with a Michael Jackson song. For one semester in college, Mitchell and I were not speaking to one another, for various reasons. There was a Cold War going on between us, and we now refer to it as “the Bad Time”. We were BEST friends, and yet we did not speak for 4 months. There was this frozen rage between us. (It’s so funny to think of now, but at the time it was deadly serious.)
We were doing a show, and once, before rehearsal, he and I found ourselves alone in the men’s dressing room, which was a long concrete room, with showers, lockers, and a line of makeup mirrors down the middle. Nobody else was around. Everyone left us alone at this point – the tension so huge you could smell it in the air, like ozone. We were FURIOUS with each other. But really what was going on was that we were so sad, we were so sad that we were in a fight, and that we couldn’t apparently be friends. I cried myself to sleep every night. I MISSED him. But I couldn’t give in. I just couldn’t.
And so he and I sat there in the now-emptied gray dressing room, tensely, quietly, not knowing what to say. Mitchell, to break the mood, turned on the boom box. We were all very into Michael Jackson’s album “Bad” at the time. It was all we listened to. You got that? IT WAS ALL WE LISTENED TO. I am unable to listen to that album now without immediately being transported back in time, specifically to that very time in my life, that one semester in college, when Bad was on constant rotation and I was in an awful silent fight with my best friend.
So Mitchell put on Bad and “Man in the Mirror” came on.
And without discussing it, without a word between us, without a noticeable thawing in the air or anything, Mitchell and I started dancing to that song, separately – not together – We were stridently separate – but we kept dancing, dancing until we were completely lost in it. It was one of those times when you become completely unself-conscious. You completely lose awareness of yourself as a body taking up space. It is like you become your spirit. That was what that 3 minutes was like for us, in the dressing room. We danced separately from one another, he on one side of the line of makeup mirrors, me on the other side. The music was transcendent, that chorus bursting forth at the end, the glimmering line of mirrors, his reflection dancing, mine … I’ll never forget it.
We were so separated. And yet so together.
When the song ended, we turned the tape deck off, realizing that we both had kind of “been” somewhere. We were no longer really in the same emotional place.
The frozen silence between us had broken. There would be no more “bad time”. Somehow, through those weird separate dances, Mitchell and I forgave each other. Without saying a word. We found joy again. Joy in being together. Through the course of the song, all bitterness dissolved. Disappeared into thin air.
And so. I have a hard time imagining that Michael Jackson is not guilty, at this point. This is true. I also find the accusers to be very sketchy and suspect. I do not know the truth. One thing I do know, though, is that I’m sad. I’m sad that it has come to this, because he was once my favorite.
And regardless of the outcome of this trial: I am grateful to him for “Man in the Mirror”. It may not be his greatest hit, but it’s my heart’s favorite. I am not blind to the sad irony that the person who really needs to listen to the message of the song is the man who sings it. But that’s the tragedy of it. That’s it.
I cherish that memory with my friend Mitchell, dancing like whirling dervishes, looking at our reflections in the line of mirrors, forgiving each other. Silently. Joyously.
Every time I hear that song, I think of that room, the grey walls, the reflections, the makeup lights, and Mitchell.
the bad time…wow…seems like a trillion years ago…remember the trip to museum in Boston? We didnt even belong there…i have vague memories of that day..do u remember? My memory sucks and u are the Homer of my life!
“we didn’t even belong there”
heh heh We crashed the field trip. And member some person was playing a piano in the lobby of the museum and we waltzed across the floor? We were such assholes.
if by “asshole”..you mean..delightful and whimsical..then i agree wholeheartedly!
Of course that’s what I mean. You know, delightful and whimsical in that great Greek tradition.
ha!…didnt i forget to pick u up that morning or something stupid like that??
hahahahaha You were an hour late.
That was the morning when the following exchange occurred:
You: “Sheil! I tried!”
Me: “You didn’t try. And don’t call me Sheil.”
I was so mean. Forgive me.
I was going to comment, but it feels like I’d be interrupting.
Carry on…
Oh God no, please comment Mitch! We’re just reminiscing about how “delightful” the two of us were back in college. Don’t be shy.
yes…sorry mitch..we can be assholes! Sheila..i was such an irresponsible jerk!!!
Like I was the bastion of responsibility?? Like I was all put together and responsible? Please. I needed to look at the woman in the mirror. I needed to ask her to change her ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place … ehm … change your face and dangle your baby over a balcony in Germany? WHAT?
well..i guess its a start! There is a girl here at IRT who was in the department after we left..she knows Brendan et al..we got drunk last week and she shrieked…”Gordon was the biggest ass!”…i fell off my stool at TGIF’s!
Didn’t I bitch Gordon out once? When I was busted cutting his class? hahahaha
Like: Sheila – YOU cut HIS class. YOU DON’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
Not only that, but I cut his class and didn’t even vacate the building! I cut his class and hung out in the Fine Arts Center lobby! Who the hell did I think I was?
Well, I have to mention this – marvellous post BTW – and a reason why the question “MJ Who??” will continue to be answered with “Whaddaya mean ‘MJ Who??'” for some time… But there is another turning point, at least this side of the Atlantic.. 1996, at an awards show in England.. MJ chose to appear as what can only be descibed as a Christ-like figure surrounded by children.. don’t remember the song (Earthsong?).. but another award winner that night, Jarvis Cocker, stormed the stage waving his bootie at the audience and at MJ, before being escorted off by security – any mystique that was left was shattered.
peteb: wow. I kind of need to see that footage.
I’m sure it’s out there, Sheila… I’ll see what I can dig up.
oh no…i forgot about that…u were brazen in your disregard for him!!!! Im freakin dying here…remember commenting on people’s clothes as they passed through the lobby to the parking lot…in a bullshit british accent..pretending it was a fashion show that they participated in willingly???? “Donna..Donna is sporting red elastic waist slacks by Dress Barn…a salmon peasent blouse ..and wedgies from Parade of Shoes..thank you Donna..lovely.”
peteb..who is jarvis cocker? he sounds hilarious! sorry for my ignorance…its odd i even know any music written past 1978!
peteb: Was it mentioned in whatsisname Bashir’s documentary? I don’t think so.
There was that toe-cringingly AWFUL moment at some German awards show (the day after he dangled the baby over the German masses) – when he went onstage too early.
Oh man.
mitchell: i am shaking with laughter. That is SO STUPID. “red elastic waist pants from Dress Barn…”
We terrorized people. Or who knows – maybe they just rolled their eyes, like: “Man, those two people are such losers!”
hahaha
we were theatre geeks..they didnt care about us…although we were fabulous in our loser-dom..do u know im coming to visit in may? the 15th..wanna go to my friend Abby’s wedding with me?
Let me look at the calendar … I think I’m around. Is it in NY?
My apologies all round.. Jarvis was/is the songwriter/lead singer in a band called Pulp… minor in the greater scheme of things but with trés cred at the time.. Common People?.. No? ah well… ANYway.. he did get up on stage, in un-pre-arranged umbrage at the presentation of MJ in the manner described.. and was escorted off to the local police cells for the night.. It does sound like a fantastic publicity stunt.. but that wasn’t the impression that most took.. and, to be honest, wouldn’t fit with the guy’s general attitude.
and.. no, Sheila.. Bashir wouldn’t have mentioned it.. he wasn’t involved at any point.
I’ve heard of Pulp!! Don’t know their songs, though.
This moment you describe sounds like television history, peteb. I love it when people fall apart and behave weirdly and everyone cringes with embarrassment on a national level.
In this particular case, Sheila.. most everyone was applauding.
it sounds great..i know Pulp..just not the guys names…reminds me of the reason i went to see Rufus Wainwright the first time..i had never heard of him and never heard his music…but i read in a bar rag that he was tossed out of a very yuppie gay watering hole for disorderly conduct! I loved him for it and bought a ticket that day..and luckily for me and the world..he turned out to be a freakin genius!
Mitchell – I told you about seeing Rufus at Town Hall on Valentine’s Day 2002, didn’t I? It was incredible, and he was wearing fabulous PATCHWORK pants, and was pretty sloshed. But charming and funny, too. Great show – his voice is as beautiful in person as on his albums, and that’s not normally the case.
He did the Leonard Cohen song “Halleluia” too (which Jeff Buckley also did so beautifully) – sitting in the hushed Town Hall, listening to that voice: “It’s a cold and it’s a broken Halleluia..” – I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
His patchwork hippie pants were obviously WILDLY expensive – probably Betsey Johnson or something. But they were PATCHES. like a quilt.
And I love him for not playing up to the yuppie gay crowd and being bounced for disorderly conduct. I really like him for his wild spirit – he doesn’t “fit in”. And also, to be just blatantly guzzling wine through a concert at Town Hall (and still give an amazing show) … I just thought it was so amusing.
i know..what a voice..ive seen him 5 times now…he bought those pants in Chicago right before the town hall concert..because he modeled them for us the night he bought them… at the Vic..he was very psyched! I love that he got kicked out of Showtune night at Sidetracks!!! Hilarious! i saw him first at the Park West..he entered with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other…and sat at the piano without saying and sang that song about his mother..”Beauty Mark”…i fell in love! Baggie jeans falling off his skinny butt and a dirty white t-shirt about 3 sizes too small…sexy!
Have you seen The Aviator? He’s briefly in it as a big-band singer. Actually – they’re all in it: Rufus, Loudon (his dad) and Martha (his sister). Very funny. They’re all jazzing it up at Coconut Grove. Rufus is in a tux.
That’s Rufus, son of Loudon III?? just checking.. I obviously need to listen to this guy.. I’ve been putting it off for some time.. and on Leonard.. Hmmmm.. got my yurt set up for a TV programme on the Leonard later on tonight… oh less than 10 minutes to go..
Oh God. We loves us some Rufus Wainwright. Yes, that’s his dad.
yes pete..he’s loudon’s son with Kate Mcgarrigle of the McGarrigle Sisters..i love the whole family..ive now seen them all! Big fan of Leonard as well…The
Ballad of the Runaway Horse is my fave!
Leonard is quite amazing, hm? Do you know Jeff Buckley’s version of his Halleluia? I really don’t know what to say about it. If you haven’t heard it – FIND IT!! :)
Let us take a moment to reflect on the amazing-ness of this.
Mitchell is in Indiana. I am in New York City. Pete is in Ireland. And yet here we are, babbling in real-time about Leonard Cohen.
Life is good!!
wow..so cool..hadn’t thought about it!
Mitchell – you have been constantly telling me about the McGarigle Family Hour … or something like that? What’s the album you tell me about pretty much every time we talk?
thats it! listening to it right now!!!! inspired by the convo!
Yeah.. I think I’m familiar with the Wainwright family – if not all of their music – to be rectified soon!!!.. and I’ve heard the Buckley version of Halleujah.. but Leonard has a prime position in my appreciation of music, and few can move him from that.. even if the tale of him supplying Nelson Algren with a stash for his trip into exile proved true.. heh heh
As real-time as I can be at the minute ;)
Unsurprisingly, perhaps, Rufus featured heavily in the programme.. his impression of Leonard in his elder years – Barry White..
Sheila
That was one of the most beautiful posts you’ve written. My God. Mitchell’s told me that story, and reading it was like re-living it.
Wow.
Sheila
There doesn’t seem to be any clips of Jarvis onstage with MJ online.. probably because what was broadcast didn’t include much of the actual incident.. but here are a couple of pages with the necessary details – NME 100 Rock moments – #48
and a fairly detailed account of the whole escapade – Jarvis’ stage invasion Brit awards 1996