Next script on my script shelf:
Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is Reckless
I did this play in college. It’s one of the funnest craziest things I’ve ever worked on. It deserves an entire post of our backstage shenanigans – but for now I’ll just say – we all were in it. I played Pooty – the paraplegic wife of Lloyd, one of the main characters. Pooty PRETENDS to be deaf and mute. I can’t remember why – but she is fluent in sign language – Lloyd believes she is deaf – and she just can’t bring herself to tell him the truth, because she knows how much it will hurt him. She loves him. She lives her life as a deaf-mute woman. This is the only time I’ve gotten to do a death scene on stage. I drink poisoned champagne at a Christmas celebration and die in my wheelchair, shrieking in agony – thereby revealing to Lloyd, right at the moment of my death, that I had been lying for our entire marriage. It was hilarious. The play is obviously a black BLACK comedy. At the time of Pooty’s death, she sits in her wheelchair, and she is wearing reindeer antler’s on her head, in honor of Christmas – antlers draped with fir garlands. So … dying with that damn thing on my head was one of the greatest pleasures I have ever had as an actress.
Believe it or not, though, Pooty is not the lead of the show. heh heh The lead of the show is a neurotic woman named Rachel who basically flees her husband in the first scene – for no apparent reason – and surges out into a snowstorm where she proceeds to have all kinds of weird adventures. She meets Lloyd. Lloyd and Pooty take her in. Rachel’s husband finds her, shows up at the door, and pretends to be fine with her betrayal – gives her a bottle of champagne (which he has poisoned). The champagne was meant for her. But Pooty drinks it instead.
Then things start to go downhill. Lloyd goes off the rails. When Pooty dies, he was wearing a Santa hat. So he refuses to ever take the Santa hat off again. He becomes a drunk on the level of Charles Bukowski in two days. He holes up in cheap motels, raving about the joys of Christmas, wearing his Santa hat. My friend David played Lloyd to perfection – and his scene in the motel room, where he stands on the bed, wasted, shouting in a drunken slur about Christmas – was so goddamn funny that I would sneak around to the vom where I could watch the whole scene every night, unseen by the audience.
Mitchell played a bunch of characters – but his main scene was some kind of TV game show host. I can’t remember why – but Lloyd, Pooty, and Rachel all go onto a game show – kind of like a Family Feud type thing. Each “team” has to dress in costumes. We dress up as the solar system. So please imagine: each one of us has a huge papier mache globe around our head – with a little hole cut out for our faces. I believe I was the earth. So my globe was blue with white cotton-ball clouds floating across it. David’s globe was the sun, so his globe made him look like the Heat Miser. Rachel was Venus, I think. I so wish I had photographs of us in those globes. Especially because I was in a wheelchair. And talking in sign language. All with a globe on my head. It was one of the funnest plays I’ve ever done.
For old times sake, I will excerpt the game show scene.
EXCERPT FROM Reckless
ANNOUNCER. And here’s your host, Tim Timko.
TIM. Okay, here we go, how does this game work, where are we? Oh yes, it all comes back to me, like last night. Who was that girl? Okay, enough of that, it’s good to be back, let’s see who’s here. [Houselights reveal families dressed as vegetables, household appliances, etc.] All you need’s a mother, a wife, and the crazy idea that you could tell the difference. Looks like an awful lot of bag ladies slipped in, how’re we all doing? [“Great, Tim!” “We’re fine!” “Over here, Tim!”] Anybody want to play this thing, what’s it called, Your Brother’s Wife? [“We do!” “Pick us!” “We’re a salad!”] Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Mother-in-law? [Sign lights] Your Mother Or Your Wife. Knew it would come to me — Wait, wait a minute, nobody move, I know what I like and don’t tell me now: you folks are dressed as the solar system, aren’t you? [Rachel, Lloyd, and Pooty with globes over their heads]
LLOYD. That’s right, Tim.
RACHEL. [at the same time] Yes, Tim!
TIM. Uh-huh. This looks like the planet earth down there. [Pooty]
LLOYD. That’s my mother, Tim.
RACHEL. [same time] Mother Earth!
TIM. Mother Earth. I’ll bet your world revolves around your sun too, doesn’t it?
RACHEL. That’s right!
TIM. Okay, what’s your name, Sir?
LLOYD. Lloyd.
TIM. You have a last name, Lloyd?
LLOYD. Bophtelophti.
TIM. Say it?
LLOYD. Bophtelophti.
RACHEL. [same time] Bophtelophti!
TIM. Okay. This is the little lady.
LLOYD. That’s right, Tim.
RACHEL. Venus!
TIM. One touch of Venus.
RACHEL. That’s right!
TIM. Okay, you’ve met all our requirements, Lloyd.
LLOYD. I should tell you, Tim, my mother is deaf.
TIM. What’s that?
LLOYD. But my wife speaks sign language.
TIM. I don’t see any problem and she won’t have to listen to my jokes, so get yourselves up here and get set to play Your Mother or Your Wife. [Music] Correctly identify which of these two lovely ladies answered each of three scintillating questions supplied by our highly educated audience of Nobel Prize laureates and win yourself up to twenty thousand dollars, Lloyd, and a chance to play for our grand prize.
ANNOUNCER. Tim, the Bophtelophtis will be playing for a grand cash total of one hundred and twenty thousand dollars!
TIM. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars. All right, Lloyd, are you ready for our glass booth?
LLOYD. I guess so, Tim.
TIM. Then take him away! Okay — [Lloyd is escorted into the wings] What Lloyd doesn’t realize is there are no air holes in our glass booth and it will quickly fill up with carbon monoxide, but never mind. Ladies, welcome.
RACHEL. It’s great to be here, Tim!
TIM. You’re going to translate?
RACHEL. That’s right.
TIM. No funny business. Anybody here speaks deaf, keep an eye on these two. Venus, first question: Would you say Lloyd is more like a pingpong ball or a paper clip. Venus? A pingpong ball or a paperclip?
RACHEL. Oh, I’ll say a pingpong ball.
TIM. Any particular reason?
RACHEL. Oh, he bounces around a lot. I don’t know.
TIM. Okay, Mom? A pingpong ball or a paperclip? Two P’s.
RACHEL. She says a paperclip.
TIM. Because –?
RACHEL. Because he holds the family together.
TIM. Aw. Okay, question number two: If blank were a salad dressing, what flavor would he be? Mom first this time. If Lloyd were a salad dressing, what flavor would he be?
RACHEL. She says blue cheese.
TIM. Getting a little moldy.
RACHEL. And I’ll say blue cheese.
TIM. Blue cheese it is. Ladies, third question: if you could choose between your husband leaving you for another woman or, in Mom’s case, her son leaving her for another Mom … Guys, this question doesn’t make sense. What’s he going to do, get another mother? … Judges say fly with it. All right — choose between your husband leaving you for another woman or staying together, knowing he didn’t love you, Venus — Which would it be? Okay, fair enough.
RACHEL. I’ll have to say another woman.
TIM. Another woman. All right, Mom: between losing your son to another mother or knowing he didn’t love you …
RACHEL. She says another mother.
TIM. M is for the many ways. All right, ladies, for our grand prize: who does Lloyd love most, you or Mom? Good question. Venus?
RACHEL. Oh gosh, his mother.
TIM. Mom? This should be interesting. Who does Lloyd really love, his mother or his wife? And — she says you! All right, we’ll be back with the three happy Boopy-boppies after this word from the good folks at Nu-Soft. Don’t go away.
ANNOUNCER. We’re going right on. [Lloyd is escorted back onstage] Ten seconds.
TIM. Say your name for me.
RACHEL. Bophtelophti.
TIM. Bophtelophti.
ANNOUNCER. Five, four, three … Rolling.
TIM. And we’re back with the Bophtelophtis —
RACHEL. Right!
TIM. From Springfield, Massachusetts. Bophtelophti, is that Polish?
RACHEL. Yes, Tim —
LLOYD. [same time] No, well, it’s —
RACHEL. It’s …
LLOYD. Welsh, actually.
RACHEL. Welsh and Polish.
TIM. Welsh and Polish. How long have you been married?
LLOYD. Ten —
RACHEL. Ten.
LLOYD. Years.
RACHEL. [same time] Years.
TIM. Ten years. Any kids so far?
LLOYD. None so far, Tim —
RACHEL. [same time] Nope.
LLOYD. But we’re hoping.
TIM. Well, best of luck to you.
LLOYD. Thank you.
RACHEL. [same time] Thanks!
TIM. Because you’re going to need it. Okay, here we go, round two, Lloyd, for five thousand dollars — when asked if you reminded them of a paper clip or a pingpong ball, who said “Paper clip” and I quote “because he holds the family together” — Your mother or your wife?
LLOYD. Uh … my mother.
TIM. Right you are if you think you are. For ten thousand dolalrs, when asked what type of salad dressing you reminded them of, who said “Blue cheese” — your mother or your wife?
LLOYD. That’s my favorite.
TIM. We’re not all that interested in your personal life, Lloyd. No, I’m just kidding, take your time.
LLOYD. Oh, I’ll say both.
TIM. Both it is for a quick ten grand. All right. For twenty thousand dollars and a chance to lose it all, Lloyd: Which … Wait, let me get this straight: Which of the women in your life said they would rather lose you to another woman, wife or mother as the case may be, than believe you to be unhappy in your home? Mother Earth or the Venus de Milo, Lloyd? Lose to another woman before they would see you unhappy in their home.
LLOYD. Both?
TIM. Both it is! Congratulations, Lloyd Bophtelophti from Warsaw, Wales, you’ve just won twenty thousand dollars and a chance to go home before you ruin your marriage.
LLOYD. No, we want to keep going.
TIM. Remember, if you miss this one we keep it all, Lloyd, but you do go home with a free home version of Your Mother or Your Wife.
LLOYD. We’ll play.
TIM. He said he’ll play. All right, Mr., Mrs. and Mom — no eye contact now and no help from those salad ingredients, you know who you are — Lloyd, for one hundred and twenty thousand dollars, we asked your mother and your wife: Who does Lloyd love most, his mother or his wife. Who said — keep breathing, Lloyd — you love your wife the most? Your mother, your wife or your mother and your wife, it could be both, don’t think too hard, Lloyd.
LLOYD. Boy.
TIM. Your mother, your wife or your mother and your wife … We’re running out of time. We’ll have to have an answer, Lloyd, I’m sorry.
LLOYD. My mother.
TIM. Lloyd Bophtelophti from Springfield Massachusetts, you’ve said the magic word, take the money, be happy, this is Tim Timko, saying goodnight, we’ll see you next week with your mother, your wife, your mistress —
ANNOUNCER. For tickets to Your Mother or Your Wife, all you do is write your name and address ona postcard and mail it to Your Mother or Your Wife, Box Twelve Twenty-five, New Hope Station, New Hope California.
RACHEL. [same time as announcer] We didn’t lose!
LLOYD. [same time] We didn’t lose!
RACHEL. [same time] We didn’t lose!
LLOYD. [same time] Pooty!
RACHEL. [same time] We didn’t lose!
LLOYD. [same time] We didn’t lose!
RACHEL. For once! We didn’t lose!
LLOYD. One hundred and twenty thousand dollars!
RACHEL. I’ll never complain again as long as I live, I swear!
LLOYD. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars!
RACHEL. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars!
LLOYD. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars!
Sheila,
You love of theatre is wonderful, and it sounds like you had a wonderful time with the play Reckless. You might want to change two things that make it sound like you did not read the entrie play, or that you did not understand your character.
You state the Rachel left her husband for no apparent reason. If this was a joke, then it did not come across that way. You and I know that Tom has taken a contract out on her life, and he quiltily confesses to this right before the hit man breaks into the house. This is why she is running down the street in her nightgown and slippers.
You also state later that you do not know why Pootie is pretending to be a deaf mute when she confesses as to why to Rachel. So, all in all, you come across as someone who was in a great show, had a great time, but is not professional enough to understand the script or her part very well. Or, someone that was so busy with backstage high jinks, that they just never invested themselves in the work.
You sound like someone who is too smart and has had too much fun (or found joy in performance) for that to come across. Maybe change this in your diary — I don’t know if you can, but you should try.
George – No.
I won’t change a thing.
I did the play over 20 years ago. This is how memory works.
And thanks for telling me how I come across. Much appreciated. I love it when total strangers like yourself get me totally wrong. Or don’t seem to realize that my descriptions of my younger self are purposefully meant to be amusing and memory-based. This is your first comment on my site which has been around for years. Click around to see more what I’m about.
And the tone of my comment would certainly have been different if the tone of your comment wasn’t so obnoxious.
I’m trying to work out why pooty felt the need to disclose her lie to Rachel? I haven’t read the play but I’ve read a couple of excepts and am thinking about using one as a monologue but unfortunately can’t find a copy of the book in any libraries near me!