— I love Judge Judy. Desperately. I want her to approve of my life choices.
— Not as much as I love Bret Michaels and Rock of Love. I think that Rock of Love is the best show on television. Ever. It’s a high water mark of unbelievableness. I have fierce opinions about everyone involved, I am totally engrossed, and I must watch it as often as I can. Doesn’t matter if it’s a rerun. I watch it again. I think I need to own the entire series. So I can dip into that glorious pool whenever I want to. And believe me. I will want to. “Will you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?” WHAT???? it is GENIUS. I think he and Heather are soulmates. I really do. Lacey can cry her crocodile tears all she wants. It won’t make a damn bit of difference. At least I hope it won’t! Jess seems way too sane to really be Bret’s girl. But Heather is as nuts as Bret is. It’s a match made in heaven. Go, Heather!!
— I’ve been sick for the last 2 days. Every month when I get my period, there’s a day where I think: “It has NEVER been this bad before.” And then it passes, and my female mind willfully forgets it until the next month. I was in agony last night. I reiterate: it has never been as bad as it was last night. It’s still pretty bad today but last night was the nadir.
— While I was in agony, I sat down and read the entirety of this – which I do on occasion when I need some damn fine writing, as well as a laugh-out-loud funny read. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve read it … certain sentences still pierce through the glaze of familiarity and I find myself literally GUFFAWING at my laptop. Bless you, Ali, for the funny!!! I saw her do her one-woman show of that material and she is just as funny in person. Great stuff.
— My feet are all messed up. Again. I’m feeling very OFF, physically.
— Meeting with my trainer tomorrow morning at 10:30. I’m dreading it. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 2 days from water retention alone. I feel horrific.
— Rachel was describing to me, tonight, a restaurant she loved – where she recently had dinner with her husband. “It’s like college food. You know. Every sandwich has avocado in it.”
— My days have been really long recently. Long and busy. I’m exhausted when I finally get my ass home. The weekends are a black hole of nonproductivity. I am going to try to change that this weekend.
— Because of a favor I did recently for the assistant of a celebrity hairstylist (that is indeed his job description) – she’s arranged for me to have a cut and color at his salon in New York (NOT the one in Beverly Hills!) – gratis. As a thank you for what I did for her (and him). What she is offering me would probably end up costing about 700 bucks all togehter but it’s going to be free for me (I will still, however, tip everyone and anyone who touches my hair during my time there!). So I am kind of terrified of going to this salon – terrified as I always am by anything truly high-end – I’m such a proletariat – but the conversation in my head at this point is an interesting one, something to be duly noted. Am I not worth it? Is she not giving this to me out of a true sense of gratitude? Why do I feel ashamed about it? And slightly guilty? A truly odd state of affairs. It was the kind of situation too where she offered it to me and then it took me 2 weeks to get up the nerve to take her up on it. ??? So weird. I sent her a shamefaced email today: “Uhm … if the offer still stands …” She emails me back immediately: “I thought you’d never ask!!!!!!! Just say when!!!!!!!” (Her emails are always like that. I love her.) I say a time that might work for me, but give her a HUGE opening to say back, “Well, that is celeb stylist’s busiest day … can you pick another day?” This is what I expect from life. Barriers at every step of the way. Small ones, but barriers – one that intimidate, and say, “You are not in THIS club.” This is what I expect. Instead, I hear back from her: “You pick the time!!!! Whenever!” So I did. And that’s that. I find myself strangely moved to tears by the entire experience.
— If anyone makes a comment tut-tutting the frivolousness of anyone spending 700 dollars on a haircut, it will mean you have missed the point entirely.
— I was on the bus the other morning, coming into the city. The traffic was unusually bad. We were in a dead standstill in the Lincoln Tunnel and it was all I could do to not go postal. We were underneath the Hudson. Stuck. I’m not really a claustrophobic person, but any kind of gridlock coming into the city is always kind of stressful – and brings up memories of 9/11 for me. Especially being UNDER the water. And not moving. For HALF AN HOUR. It was unbelievable. Turns out a car had stalled on the New York side – right at the exit to the tunnel – and backed up traffic all the way into Newark practically. But we had no updates, no nothing … just stasis. I couldn’t do anything about my situation … nothing I could do … so I had on my iPod, and I tried to just zone out as much as i could. I tried to focus on Bleak House – unsuccessfully. I had iPod on shuffle and suddenly out of nowhere … I heard my own voice. A duet I recorded years ago. I never listen to it anymore, it’s from another time and place. So sitting there, underneath the river, I resisted the impulse to click “Next” and listened. Listened to my own voice singing. I sounded so YOUNG. That was my first response. So YOUNG and actually kind of fierce! I surprised myself. Certain nuances and notes and details … I enjoyed the harmony – it brought a smile to myself – it brought pleasure – after all these years. But god, what an odd sensation. An echo … coming up through the years … my own voice … I can see where I was, what I was wearing when we recorded it (a long black skirt, a blue t-shirt, and a blue bandanna round my head), what I was LIKE then … I could hear it all in my voice. Who was that girl? And the weird thing, is I know the end of that story. The girl singing didn’t know the end. She was in the middle of it. I can hear her oblivion in her voice, the clear tones of positive hope and belief. It wasn’t as depressing as I’m making it sound, but it sure was strange.
“Don’t threaten me with a good time!”
OMG, I adore Rock of Love. Jess (as in The Lovely) and I frequently discuss the show and you two are in TOTAL agreement. I don’t love Heather but I think she should win. Jes is awesome but, like you said, she’s far too well-adjusted and reasonable for Bret and his lifestyle.
Love love LOVE this show. We must discuss the finale!!
I wish I had the stones to be LIKE Judge Judy – not take any crap from anyone, call someone out when you think they’re feeding you a story.
When I was in grad school, one of my friends got me a mini-poster of her top ten sayings (like “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” or “Beauty fades, but stupid is forever.” hahahahha) and I had it up over my desk. Unfortunately I lost the poster in a move and I’ve not been able to find another.
I hope your free-$700-haircut is the best ever, and very enjoyable. I know what you mean about feeling “too proletariat” to be able to pull off doing those kinds of things…a friend gave me a “makeover” the other week and I walked into it feeling like such a fraud, because I wear almost no makeup – like I was only playing at being a grown-up woman, and she was going to find me out when I admitted to not tweezing my eyebrows or something.
ricki – yes, with the whole “they’ll find me out” thing!!! I have that too. “I will be kicked out of the Girlie Girl club when it is revealed that I don’t own a curling iron” or whatever.
I am especially interested by my reaction because this is a GIFT. It is a THANK YOU for something I did – and did very well – for assistant and stylist. I should be like jumping at the chance. It’s a generous gift to give – it’s NICE of them to give it … and I still have all my psychodrama going on.
I’m actually kind of psyched to see what they do to my hair. I’m thinking I might go for a Sharon Stone-esque short ‘do … but I need to talk to Mitchell first. (Any hair decisions must be run by Mitchell beforehand.)
curly – “don’t threaten me with a good time” has to be the weirdest funniest line ever – I say it all the time now. That chick was NUTS. Don’t THREATEN me with a good time? And to say it as often as she did??? What the hell?
I have so much else to say about this show – I haven’t been blogging about it at all … but it is RIVETING television.
Jess (the one on the show) is so stunning, isn’t she?
And Lacey is the face of evil.
I personally miss Sam, the chick with the tattooes up her arm. She was all emotional all the time – but I thought she was sincere and sweet, and that she and Bret actually could be good friends outside of the show.
Oh, and ricki – I’d love to see the other Top Ten sayings of Judge Judy … I love it when she gets angry. Man, she is fierce!!! You watch these big grown bully men totally back down when she gets all commonsense and shrill at them. “I’m sorry, ma’am … yes, ma’am …”
Yes! Rock of Love RULES. Nothing was better than Heather shredding Lacey last week. What a badass. It’s as if she stripped off Lacey’s dignity, showed it to her, then pistol-whipped it for good measure. And could it have been any more pathetic when Lacey actually parroted the “my parents have known me for 30 years” line her completely weird dad told her to say? When this AND the Scott Baio thing were both on, it was like TV nirvana.
Also – how Lacey is all shocked and prissy about Heather being a stripper … meanwhile, duh, of course Bret Michaels likes strippers. In his world, being a stripper is not some weird taboo thing.
AND heather, who is a stripper, has FAR more class than Ms Trust Fund Lacey. I mean, getting the tattoo – yeah, whatever, it’s crazy – but again, I don’t think that Heather is trying to act like someone she is not.
Lacey, on the other hand, is.
How about her whole “I am a serious musician” thing??? hahahahaha Oh, really, Lacey? Ya are??
Oh and Lacey’s dad was totally weird. Prenup???????????
Are you out of your mind, bro?
Meanwhile, you know – given the chance – he would have tried to molest Heather. Hell, he’s probably met Heather. The guy is a creep.
1. Oh, God. Totally re: him: molesting heather. I felt like I had to shower after watching that guy sit there staring at Heather getting dressed. It’s like, “Uh, buddy…she’s NOT at the strip club. She’s getting dressed in HER ROOM, you dirty, oddly-‘stached freak.” At least we know where Lacey’s narcissism comes from.
2. Please tell me you’ve seen Lacey’s horrific music video.
3. The show’s bullshit if Heather doesn’t win. I love Jess, but I don’t see how there’s a match (Noonz puts eHarmony hat away).
Lacey has a music video? Excuse me???
I hate that woman. It’s weird – I have a visceral response of hatred and was literally gleefully clapping at her downfall.
I don’t like this side of myself.
I loved when Bret went out to dinner with Heather and her two crazy (but fun) parents … you could totally tell that he could hang with ALL of them … like: of COURSE Heather would have parents like that. They love her, she’s a smart lady, whatever – they love her.
It’s horrifying on some level – but she doesn’t seem victimized by it – so who cares???
Bret Michaels needs to have a psycholgoical study done on him.
Oh my God – and we haven’t even discussed the truly INSANE Rodeo!!! Weeping about the ‘children’ – do you remember that?? I thought Rodeo was cool, still think she’s cool – but she went off the freakin’ rails about the children … and trying to incorporate them into her song … and Bret was like: Wow. You are nuts, lady. I will try to be kind, because you are obviously having a psychotic break … but what the hell???
I have a soft spot for Brandi, too – but she had to go, I understand that.
Go, Heather!!
Where can I see Lacey’s video??
oddly stached freak! hahahahahahahaha
God, I NEED to talk about this show … I’ve obviously been holding myself back!!
I am laughing as I imagine your response to the music video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-QQu2MBqMI
Go and watch…
I have so much to say right now that I literally find myself with no words. I don’t even know where to start.
Alex – what the hell??????????????????????
Does she even know how crazy and bad she is???
Who is “Otis Conner”?? who directed the thing? Is that her brother? Her creepy dad?
The yellow dress is horrible. She doesn’t know how to walk in heels.
Turning LOVE into DONE is one of the stupidest thing I have ever seen.
She doesn’t know how to wink. So she shouldn’t try.
I am STUNNED!!!
Also, Big John stole the show when they cut to him sleeping on the couch when Bret was being accosted by Captain Freak-o-stache. Great moment.
I know …. the editing is so funny. You know he was probably taking a nap on some completely OTHER day but the editors were like, this’ll be funny, let’s pop that shot in here!
I can’t get Lacey’s stupid song out of my mind now. Dammit.
When my wife forwarded me that link a week or so ago, I was at a loss for words. The LOVE > DONE thing is the lamest crap ever. And you know the thought she was a genius.
Now, if you remember the last episode, there is a great little part where Lacey’s dad MENTIONS the video when he’s bragging about her to the table. He says something to the effect of, “Lacey’s got good things going now. She has her music video…”
And the camera cuts to Lacey, whose face is totally frozen in an “Oh Shit” moment when the video topic comes up. She knows.
Who is Otis Connor? I don’t know. But he is most certainly NOT Martin Scorcese.
“she thought she was a genius” I meant to say…
I understand. You are still discombobbled by seeing that video. I totally get it.
Just googled Otis Conner. To my shame.
It is her brother.
http://bumpshack.com/2007/09/06/rock-of-love-lacey-conners-music-video/
“To my shame.” hahahahaha
Once you begin analyzing Rock of Love as if it were Citizen Kane, shame goes out the window.
Yeah, really, I just have to accept it.
I want to write a doctoral thesis on the craziness of Bret Michaels.
And whatever, I know this is so girlie, but last time I checked I am a girl: whenever he kisses one of the girls, it’s soooooo ikky. Like, on some level, I like him – he seems kind of like a fun person – not too bright, but not a dick or anything – but he kisses like he knows the camera is on him. Oohhhh, let me shove my tongue down your throat … but there’s no heart in it, no real passion.
Also: come on. He acts like he’s as famous as Keith Richards. “You know, with my lifestyle …” “You have to be able to keep up …”
Dude. You were in POISON. YOU wouldn’t be able to keep up with Keith Richards so don’t flatter yourself!!
Best show on television right now.
The whole phone sex episode was cringe-worthy and actually made me angry.
And how about when the “superfans” interviewed the girls????
Superfans? Try GROUPIES, girls, mkay?
I was proud of Sam when she refused to fake orgasm for that clique of Nazi bitches.
What have I become??
I keep trying to imagine MYSELF on that show – and I have to admit – I have a good imagination, but it totally fails me. I could not stand in that overly serious elimination room and not burst out laughing when Bret Michaels strolls forward like a puffed-up pasha in his long leather coat and cowboy hat.
Like: what is happening??
Sorry and back to the whole fake orgasm debacle: the head “superfan” (rolling eyes right now) says something like, “Bret needs a strong and independent woman …” (first of all: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) but second of all: so …. “strong and independent women” … fake orgasm? Did I miss that memo?
It’s the craziest show ever. I love its absolute nonsense.
It’s really gonna suck when the show ends tomorrow. Of all the VH1 Celebreality things, this one is far and away the best.
Have a wonderful time at your salon experience, Sheila! It sounds like a bunch of lovely people will be taking care of you. I hope they give you a scalp massage and a nice glass of wine. I’m in the midst of scheduling a much needed massage for myself and am tempted to indulge in a pedicure, too. Might as well treat myself, right? Rock of Love sounds truly phenomenal/horrifying. Once I get back to the States, I hope I can catch up with the episodes (VH1 does tend to repeat their shows like crazy). I will have to deal with the fact that Poison basically provided the score for every junior high school dance I attended, though. Speaking of horrifying …