The Gentleness of Strangers

I was talking with Wade about fist fights. I asked him about fights he had been in, and how that dynamic works between men. It was a fascinating conversation. He told me some stories about fights and confrontations he had had – some violent, others just unpleasant – you know, your basic rams head-butting each other in the fields type of behavior. Here is my favorite:

Wade was at a bar and he stepped outside to have a cigarette. A guy was sitting there on a bench. Young guy, tweed jacket. Wade’s hair is thinning on top, just so you know. And for whatever reason, the guy on the bench had some sort of reaction to Wade – a testosterone-fueled aggressive reaction. And he snarked, “Nice hair.”

Wade was dumbstruck. What did you just say to me??? Like: a random mean comment like that is code for: PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. KICK MY ASS.

Rage came up in Wade. He said, “What??”

The guy repeated it. “Nice hair.”

And instead of beating the guy to a pulp, instead of punching him in the nose – Wade, still in a state of rage, said to the guy: “Dude! You need to be GENTLE with people!” It just came out of his mouth. He wasn’t less angry. But he basically SCHOOLED the guy in manners. Dude! You can’t just say crap like that. You need to be GENTLE.

The best part of this whole story is that Wade’s comment turned the whole thing around. It was as THOUGH Wade punched the guy. The guy actually blinked a couple of times, startled … like he was coming out of a haze.

“Wow, man, I’m sorry … I’m really sorry … just having a bad day … I don’t know why I said that …”

Wade said, “It’s cool, man, whatever … you just need to be gentle with people.”

The entire exchange ended with tweed-jacket guy telling Wade his whole life story and showing him pictures of his art on his blackberry. “See … these are my paintings … ” Wade looked on, nodding, talking with him about art.

I was howling as he told me the story.

I am totally going to remember that and use it myself.

Dude. You need to be GENTLE.

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16 Responses to The Gentleness of Strangers

  1. Dan says:

    Very funny story!

    So, is this interest in fighting related to your kickboxing? How is it going?

  2. Jayne says:

    Wow. I love that. Words to live by.

  3. red says:

    Dan – hmmm, never thought of the connection! I’ve always loved to hear stories from my guy friends about fist fights or aggressive confrontations … Not sure why, it just seems really interesting to me. “So he was LOOKING at you wrong?? And THEN what did you do??” etc. etc. I love it.

    The kickboxing is going great. I cant’ believe it’s taken me this long to find a workout that I really like.

  4. But then on the other hand after one has stuffed the rage and humiliation of countless indignities something inside of one says “today my line was right back there and you just jumped right over it. Today you don’t merit the energy or consideration it takes to mount a clever reply. Today, a calm fuck you at three paces is all the warning you’ll get.

    Unless one is carrying a concealed pistol. Then you have to just smile and say “And a good evening to you too sir!”

  5. red says:

    Reno – Yours is a typical response to such a moment – and I was expecting it from someone. In your thought process, you not only miss the point (you won’t “go there”, you can’t get outside of your own interpretation) – you also miss the opportunity for human connection as opposed to just adding to the aggression of the world.

    You still have a chip on your shoulder – you can’t see past it.

    Again, it is not unexpected – I’m surprised (and also happy) that I didn’t get more comments like yours.

    We need to remember to be gentle with one another.

    I like Wade’s way.

  6. steve on the mountain says:

    What an inspired comment to come up with in such a situation! Until now I’ve always relied on my sprinting skills in unsavory moments. Now that those skills have deteriorated with age, I’ll try that line BEFORE bringing my alternate strategy of feigning a seizure into play.

  7. red says:

    Feigning a seizure! hahaha! Another excellent tactic.

  8. Ken says:

    A soft answer turneth aside wrath.

  9. nightfly says:

    Ten points for Wade.

  10. tracey says:

    I am now in love with Wade.

  11. Kate P says:

    Yay, Wade! How awesome would it be to spread the “gentle” around?

    (That’s the word I use with my cousin, too–he has Down Syndrome and he doesn’t realize he’s hitting me or one of my other hapless cousins on the head or hugging too hard, when he’s so excited to give us affection.)

    I think Sting also suggested quoting Shakespeare to disarm drunk people–although this fellow doesn’t sound drunk, just having a bad day, God bless ‘im.

  12. red says:

    Tracey – hahahahahaha

    It was just soo funny the way he told it!

  13. red says:

    Kate – spreadin’ the gentle! Love it!!

  14. just1beth says:

    Yup. Totally crushin’ on Wade right now. Spreadin’ the gentle. (In his cowboy accent…)
    PS Did I tell you I am into my fifth week of kickboxing? I love it, too!!! I am taking it from Mere’s kyoshi.

  15. ricki says:

    I don’t even know Wade, and yet I think he is totally AWESOME. What a great response to the guy…the guy was just kind of lashing out, not seeing Wade as a person, and Wade, instead of whaling on the guy or something else that would deny his personhood, turns around and not only sees the guy as a person, but forces him to see him as a person.

    I do think a big part of the “lack of gentleness” in interpersonal interaction is that people so often fail to see others as fellow human beings, and see them just as obstacles in their way.

    I wonder if Wade was Plato in a past life?

    “Be gentle, for you know not what burdens others carry.”

  16. red says:

    ricki – I like your comment, thank you. :)

    I think we walk thru life, at times, on autopilot – it’s easy enough to do – and I just loved how he handled this moment of cruelty, and forced the other dude to stop and reconsider his actions. Not only that -but the dude all opened up to him about his bad day and his painting … and Wade suddenly became this sage older-man listener.

    Brilliant!!

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