Generosity
Reciprocity
Scarcity
Sometimes one of these is at the apex, sometimes another, they switch places, but they are all inter-related. As with most everything these days, my relationship to these words threatens to become rigid and neurotic, and I am trying to, instead, just WORK with my feelings around these words, let them breathe. It is not easy. So much of how I operate is kneejerk, based on years of experience. So it is with us all.
I have a generous nature. I am rarely stingy. I am stingy with my money sometimes, but not my time or attention. Especially if I love you or if I am beginning to be interested in you. My instinct is always towards generosity. I consider this to be a good thing. Auden’s words resonate for me: “If equal affection cannot be / Let the more loving one be me.” Difficult, empowering, beautiful.
In my current state, however, with generosity always being in a tug-pull relationship with reciprocity and scarcity, it has become something I feel I need to get a handle on.
This is where “reciprocity” comes in.
Generosity without reciprocity is something I am no longer interested in. Now, I don’t want to make too big of a generalization because there are times when generosity without reciprocity is something that makes the world seem like a better and warmer place. Waiting a tiny bit to hold the door for the person coming up behind you. Or like my story about the gentleman taking off his sweater to help someone. Generosity should be offered. Regardless. It is how I try to live my life.
But on a more interpersonal level, on a less abstract level, I’m talking about ME now, and my experience, I have found that too often I am generous without expecting reciprocity. Because I can take care of myself. Because it is too disappointing to expect reciprocity. Because I don’t want to be rejected, but I still want to have the sensation of GIVING, because that’s a good thing. And on and on. I am trying to see what it is like to expect reciprocity, in my dealings with others, and not let my generosity just stand on its own. I certainly notice when someone doesn’t say “Thank you” if I hold open the door for them, although most times they do. This is not about testing people, and expecting them to come up short. To me, that is the very definition of STINGY. People who go around constantly bemoaning how rude and ungrateful everyone seems to be “these days” are usually stingy people, in my experience. Their expectation of the world is that everyone is rude now. (As though everyone was polite in, oh, 1942? Really?) And so that is what they see. It is a stingy outlook, with limited expectations of your fellow man. So that is not what I’m talking about.
I recently had an experience where my generosity was taken advantage of. It was a sucker-punch. I had thought I was in a reciprocal situation, and then found out I wasn’t, and the end result is that I basically just felt used. I rarely feel used. I’m responsible with myself, I don’t give it away to just ANYONE. I protect myself. But in this case, my defenses were down, and I got beaten up by it. What I had thought was reciprocity was not at all. I was being taken advantage of – the very thing about me that I think is the best part of me, my generous nature, was turned against me. I am thankful I haven’t had a ton of experiences like that, because just one was enough to make me bitter for all time.
So now. New rule. Generosity must not be offered without some expectation of reciprocity. That’s relationships. For example, I need a friend to talk to, I call a friend, I talk about my problems, the friend listens and supports and helps me out. If a week later that friend calls me, and needs to talk and needs my help, and I blow them off – then I am not holding up my end of the relationship. Maybe that particular time isn’t good for me to talk, sure, but if it’s an ongoing issue – then the relationship is compromised. It’s one-sided. If I offer something to someone, a gift (not literally – it could be time, or attention, or a compliment) – and they say, “Thank you so much!” – then that is a lovely thing. I ain’t sneezing at it. But if it is then not followed up with some sort of gift in return (time, attention, a compliment) – I am trying to see that as the red flag that it is. Doormats expect nothing in return. I have been a doormat. I had the best intentions, but my fatal flaw was letting things go on for too long without expecting reciprocity.
Which brings me to the third point in the triangle: Scarcity.
When one operates from scarcity, all of this becomes totally skewed. Operating from scarcity means there is never enough. It is the opposite of generosity. The universe appears to be NOT a generous place, but an eternally stingy place, with not enough to go around. Other people have the full meal, you get the crumbs. And so you have to make those crumbs last a long long time.
Scarcity messes with your head. I like to come up with phrases, and “operate from scarcity” has really worked for me, because it does (in its way) remind me that it is how I OPERATE, not how it REALLY IS. But like I said, scarcity messes with your head, bro. Don’t taze me, scarcity! And when you have lived under that scarcity-outlook for so long, it is hard to experience anything generous in the way of reciprocity without feeling voracious. Because the tiny moment of reciprocity will have to last for months, maybe years, I am already trying to sculpt it into a narrative that will work for me and nourish for me long after the moment has passed. This is the definition of neurosis in my book, a label I cop to openly.
The triangle pushes and pulls. I am in a state of high awareness and anxiety. I refuse to stop being generous just because I got taken advantage of this spring. I’ve lived too long to let THAT change my entire way of life. But this past spring and summer were, indeed, a crack – I don’t want to understate it. My impulse is still towards being generous. I wait to see if it is reciprocated. I have no specific expectation of reciprocity, as in a specific result. I like to talk to other people about what’s going on with them. It’s one of my greatest delights to find out how other people operate, who they are, what they like. I could go on like that indefinitely. But if the question doesn’t return towards my way – “and so … what are YOU like?” … then I am yet again in the situation of Generosity Without Reciprocity. Red flag. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. But so do I. Give and take, baby, give and take.
Scarcity effs the whole thing up. It makes me want to go for a land-grab or something. Reach out and sweep it all into my bag in one fell swoop, so I can capture it, hold onto it. But life shouldn’t work that way. It very well may be a stingy universe, although I have my doubts. There are too many good things out there, too much possibility for goodness and light and love. It is, indeed, a choice. You have a stingy attitude, then the universe will seem stingy. Generosity is a CHOICE. Often you are not congratulated for it. But you should do it anyway, right? Like that guy with the sweater. Sometimes, though, it is easier to be generous to strangers. It is simpler. There isn’t as much the possibility of heartbreak or disappointment. Operating from scarcity means: that I have made a decision, over the last terrible couple of years, to keep putting my heart out there, to keep GIVING, and try not to have TOO much of an expectation of getting anything back. But this is bad, Sheila. This is SCARCITY talking. No self-respecting person doesn’t expect something in return. This is how we are in relationship to one another. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, let’s get married. That’s how it works.
My perspective is indeed skewed. And no point of the triangle, at this moment, exists without the other points.
It makes meeting new people stressful. But it’s also an opportunity for an experiment.
Scarcity is a given right now. I can’t do anything about that. At least not short-term. I am working on trying to “operate from abundance”, but that will be a big project, taking lots of work. Ain’t going to happen overnight. So Scarcity is a given.
Generosity and Reciprocity are never givens. They are choices, and also expectations. They are qualities and actions that exist in the world, and we choose them, or we do not. In my view, right now, each one is worthless without the other. I see married couples who WORK as a couple. I see generosity yes. But I also see reciprocity.
It’s a new paradigm for me. Danger is everywhere. Scarcity keeps me honest, I think, but it also keeps me safe and small. It messes with my experience of all of this, because to me a cigar is never just a cigar. Generosity comes from an experience of deprivation, and reciprocity starts to feel like a promise, or if it is withheld, it is yet another indication of the stinginess of the entire enterprise.
But boy, when generosity is returned with generosity.
Nothing quite like it.
The triangle persists.
Wow, this is so freaking interesting. Much to discuss, much, much, but that will be done in person. I read this sentence this morning in that book I was telling you about, Choosing Reality:
“the energy inherent in one cubic centimeter of empty space is greater than the energy of all the matter in the known universe.” What!? Seriously? He’s not just talking out his ass either, he’s a renowned physicist, this isn’t fancy, it’s math.
Why do I bring that up, it made me believe that indeed this universe is far, far from a universe of scarcity. But like you said, it’s a big project.
I could write on and on about this, I think it’s fascinating, the relationship between these 3 words, fascinating.
Don’t taze me, scarcity!
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Whoa! This relates so perfectly to what I’m living through right now. Just had to share that and register my thanks.
Generosity comes from an experience of deprivation…
Wow, that was insightful! Especially when you consider that it doesn’t have to be PERSONALLY experienced to work.
I know people that have been VERY well off for their entire life, but whose parents made sure they “experienced” deprivation by, for example going on mission trips to deprived areas. These people know that their wealth is a gift from God and that breeds generosity to those less fortunate.
Ironically, there are also people who HAVE experienced deprivation and suddenly become wealthy, who have not one generous bone in their body. We’ve all seen how some professional athletes, actors and lottery winners (though, hopefully a small percentage) have all forgotten where they came from (I’m sure there are some entrepreneurs that have similar tendencies, but, honestly, I can’t think of any). Fortunately, these are exceptions to the rule.
Sheila, of course you’re going to continue to be generous! that is one of the greatest qualities about you – your generosity. You are so like Dad in that way – he had that generous, empathetic spirit. It makes people gravitate towards you. Because it makes them feel good! But you deserve so much in return.
JFH – I don’t think my sister was necessarily speaking of generosity in terms of wealth but rather emotional generosity (correct me if i’m worng Sheil). But I do see what you’re saying about the lessons that CAN be learned about one’s good fortune.
Jean – Because of scarcity, my needs are so huge they scare me. So much of my life is trying to just CALM THE HELL DOWN so I can really see what’s what. You know, like with the little situation I’m in right now that I told you about. heh heh. Things going nicely though – if I can just relax. So far: Generosity is being Reciprocated. First test passed.
When I was in the situation with you-know-who, Mike said to me, “You are not allowed to let a poorly raised feeble man teach you ANYTHING about yourself.” Those words helped me so much. It was soooooo hard and I wasn’t always successful – but I wrote those words out and put them on my fridge during this awful summer, to try to remember what was what – and that that Douchebag was not allowed to get into my head to such a degree that he had ANYTHING to say about WHO I AM.
And yes – JFH, that is not at all what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about spirit and heart. It has nothing to do with monetary generosity.
Y’all are right about my post, focusing on the material vs. emotional. However, I didn’t mean to imply that I was talking merely of monetary generosity, but also of time and talents.
That said, the analogy still holds true (Which is why your observation was so prescient). If one has been “emotionally deprived” of love, empathy and/or understanding, and then is given a gift that erases that deprivation; they should and do, usually, provide that generosity to help those worse off than they are.
JFH – you missed my point.
I don’t want to get into a debate over what YOU meant.
I will no longer offer my Generosity without Reciprocity. I’m talking inter-personal, not about giving to charity or whatever.
I’m talking strictly on a Relationship level.
And actually – I disagree with your point about Deprivation. Deprivation, long-term, can just as easily make someone bitter, twisted, and messed-up in the head – as it can make them eager to “give back” and give what they never got.
My experience of long-term Scarcity is that it has messed with my perceptions of love and relationships, perhaps forever. Reciprocity, to me, is like the Emerald City. A mirage. Maybe I believe in it. But I have never experienced it. Hopefully recognizing this will save me, to some degree. But it is indeed a pattern.
I can actually SEE the pattern now.
We are talking about two different things.
No more Altruistic shit for me, in inter-personal relationships. Nope. That jank don’t work. Without Reciprocity, my Generosity is actually HURTFUL to me.
Thank you for writing this, Sheila. I mean, I know you didn’t write it “for” me, but I needed to read it so I’m grateful, you know? So it would be rude not to thank you.
OH GOD, PLEASE THROW ME A CRUMB. Hahaha.
It’s a lesson that to my great consternation the universe keeps seeming to force on me, the relationships between those words, that goofy triangle dance they do. On the one hand that’s frustrating as hell. It’s like graduating from college and having the celebration and sighing with relief that that’s over, only to wake up a few weeks later in Relationships 077 (not even 101, I get booted back to REMEDIAL) all over again.
On the other hand it’s sometimes reassuring to just surrender to it, and see that other people wrestle with the whole mess too, and go, “Okay, maybe I won’t actually graduate until I’m dead, but at least I’m no longer as worried about actually flunking out of Relationships 077 anymore. Maybe this time I’ll earn a B+.” Progress, not perfection.
And der, obviously I have no idea the specifics of what you’re talking about, but do I feel like I have some idea and have maybe been there half a billion times? Fuck yes unreservedly. It’s a blessing and a curse to be the kind of woman who doesn’t do anything halfway, and that’s a fact. I have nothing clever to say for it except hang in there, ass-kicking lady who writes like nobody’s business. And one more time: Thank you.
“You are not allowed to let a poorly raised feeble man teach you ANYTHING about yourself.” I don’t know Mike but I love him – and I want to kick Douchebag in the nads!
My mom used to criticize my generosity, and as a CHRISTIAN, and a know-it-all, spiritually superior teenager I was sure that self-sacrificing giving was what Christ was calling me to. But you and David and Mom are right, and I wish I had gotten that through my self righteous head. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Ilyka!! Where have you been, woman?? Are you still blogging? Nice to see you again!
I so agree that is comforting to realize (even though it’s an ongoing process) that everyone struggles in this way to some degree. That you are not the only one who “missed the memo” about how to “do” relationships – but boy, it’s hard sometimes!!
You might like the book Humiliation by William Ian Miller. It’s an analysis of Icelandic sagas, so may seem a bit off-topic on the face of it, but really it’s all about the issue of reciprocity in relationships. The lack of reciprocity leading to the h-word of the title.
I do think you’d like it. I often think about it when in situations of the sort you seem to be describing.
Thinking. Thank you – very brave post.
I often seem to come across your posts when I need to, Sheila.
I’m reeling a little bit in the very recent aftermath of non-reciprocation (yes, a BOY) and even though the realisation is raw, I know it’s because of my operating from scarcity over the past few years. For me it’s that feeling of holding on: “I’m fine, I’m fine, all under control, all fine – wait, is that for ME? Right, that’s it I’M IN HERE’S EVERYTHING”. Makes me think of a phrase from one of your posts that affected me most: “I was not in control of myself”. The problem is that the lack of reciprocity seems to lead straight back to shutting down: “I’m fine, I’m fine…”
I also wanted to share something sweet, just to balance the scales; it’s related to the sweater man story.
My mum and dad have been happily and lovingly married for 40 years, from a young age. My mum told me a while ago that the moment she knew my dad was the kind of man she wanted came about when they’d gone to see one of those shows where a hypnotist gets people from the audience to do stuff, and the guy set up this group scene on stage where about 10 people were hypnotised to think they’d been shipwrecked on an island (slightly intense scenario, hey?). My dad was one of the people pulled from the crowd, and the first thing he did once the scene started was turn to the woman next to him, who was shivering and hugging her arms round herself, and give her his jacket. And I can say as his daughter that that is indeed a true representation of the man my dad is. Sometimes it definitely is easier to be generous to strangers, but I think it always means something.