The Books: The New Gilded Age: The New Yorker Looks at the Culture of Affluence, edited by David Remnick; ‘The Connector’, by Larissa MacFarquhar

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Next up on the essays shelf:

The New Gilded Age: The New Yorker Looks at the Culture of Affluence, edited by David Remnick

The New Yorker comes out with periodic compilations of essays, grouped under a category. There is one for the Profiles, one for the best of the Talk of the Town feature, one for humor writing. I am sure there are more, but these are the ones I own. My favorite compilation is this one, The New Gilded Age, which features financial writing from The New Yorker, not since its inception (like some of the other compilations), but in the crazy boom years of the mid-to-late 1990s. These are pieces written in real-time, before the bottom fell out, and they are fascinating.

I’m not a big financial person. I’m a freelance writer. I started out as an actress. I get by. But in the late 1990s, I “got in on” the ground-level of a couple of different start-ups (and this was all new and fresh then). I was in New York, in grad school. I had financial aid and everything but I needed a part-time job. My sister-in-law, who was one of those creative and practical people who is an asset to any organization because of her clear thought processes and enthusiasm (a huge component in “thinking out” any start-up), had gotten a job at a place called The Hub. Old-school AOL people will remember this: It was a “channel” on the Opening Screen of the old AOL interface, when it was still these little boxes that acted as safe little windows for the big scary Web. The internet was still relatively new, at least in terms of the general populace. I only got email for the first time when I went to grad school, and that was through school. I had usually made money through temp jobs and secretarial work, or answering phones, etc. But this was something fresh and new, I could work 20 hours a week programming the little AOL pages (using a coding language called “Rainman” – any Web geeks out there are going to remember all of this), and the pay was phenomenal. I could basically support myself FINE on 20 hours a week. (Those were the days.)

This was the dot com era, and there was major money to be made for doing … basically ridiculous meaningless things. What were we doing? Or selling? Nobody knew. It was the something “new”, the new thing! I made friends doing that insane gig that I still have today.

The Hub was affiliated with New Line Cinema (they had bought it or something? Can’t remember) so our offices were a floor below New Line corporate. You would walk up the spiral staircase into New Line proper, and there you were surrounded by cubicles, fluorescent lights, white boards, Power Point, and perky girls in form-fitting suits and alligator pumps. You know. Civilization. But down that spiral staircase? You were full-on in wacko dot com world. There were mannequins dressed in school girl slut clothes. There were no overhead lights. There was more than one lava lamp. Dart boards were on the wall, beanbag chairs were on the floor. We were barely presentable. If “corporate” was coming down to visit, we’d really have to clean up the place, and make it look just a little bit like a real office. You know, like take the cigarette out of the mannequin’s hand.

I used to work beside a guy named Pat, who was a surfer, a writer, a music-lover, and kind of brilliant in a very chaotic way. He was that brand-new thing: an online personality. He was born to be an online personality. He had nutso hair that was a different color each week, and he was doing … things online on a daily basis, hosting chats, writing articles about stuff that he found interesting, and he made shitloads of money. Only in the late 1990s. He was a crazy Irishman.

We were friends. We sat side by side, at our respective computers, and he would reach out with his left hand and play with my ear lobe as we worked. He never asked permission. We never discussed it. It’s strangely bizarre when I look back on it … but that whole time was bizarre.

Upstairs was corporate America. Downstairs was Pat, with jet black hair standing up straight, or blonde streaked surfer dude locks, or totally bald, having shaved it all off in a drunken frenzy. Downstairs was Pat touching my ear lobe as he typed with his other hand. I never said, “What’s up with my ear lobe?” I can’t remember the first day he did it, but I didn’t slap him away, and so the ear lobe thing went on the entire time we both worked there, as darts flew towards the bullseye behind our heads, as people sat around us working at their computers with huge headphones on listening to music, as people lay in the beanbag chairs eating Krispy Kremes and having “integration meetings” … and we all were working on … what, exactly?

Great people. I was very fortunate to get in there, because once that job ended, most of us moved to another start-up, one that had created such buzz that we were featured everywhere, in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, the co-founders were on Oprah, on Charlie Rose. I got a job, again, programming the AOL version of the site (back in the day, you would duplicate your content for the AOL version: there would be a Web version, and then an AOL version for the millions of people who were scared of the Web, and relied on those little AOL discs to provide them the software that made the world less frightening). That job continued to morph and change, as the web world morphed and changed. We had an important relationship with AOL, worth millions of dollars (based on clicks, which … well, they don’t really do that anymore, but it was always a fascinating thing to watch people place value on something based on clicks-received and try to put a dollar amount on it. AOL represented huge money). I managed the relationship with AOL. I did that for years. They had a channel on AOL where our content fit in perfectly, and so the little AOL pages would have editorial links back to our content. I was in charge of that. I came up with editorial calendars, I worked with the AOL producers to give them what they wanted, and put together huge Excel sheets where the traffic from all of these links was analyzed. It was fun. I flew down to the AOL headquarters on occasion, which was a truly Truman Show experience. This was in the glory days of AOL. Hanging out on their campus down in Dulles was like entering an alternate universe. The main lobby was gigantic and drenched in light, with a huge motto on the wall saying something like, “AOL will be bigger than the automobile.” Everyone who worked there was very nice, and they loved our content, and flying on the little AOL jet from JFK to Dulles was always an adventure for a broke artistic New Yorker like myself.

Our offices were in the Flatiron neighborhood, and were prototypical “Internet” offices. An old building, giant old-fashioned windows, a sort of sprawl to the desks, nothing that looked remotely corporate. (That would eventually change.) The people who sat at the desks were like myself: artists, everyone had bands, or photography studios, or crazy weekend hobbies. Everyone was young. We were in on the ground-floor of something exciting and lucrative, and a mere 10 years ago, we all were waiting tables and answering phones for money. Now they paid us extremely well for what still always felt like recreation.

This start-up went public. It was a very very exciting time. Suddenly we would get stern emails from on high telling us not to talk to journalists, and not to get fooled into answering questions if someone got you on the phone. We had huge meetings in a vast conference hall with guys from Wall Street who told us how the offering would go, and what we needed to do. This is all text-book, in terms of start-ups and the timing. What happened to us happened to so many of these start-up companies, and very few are still around (the one I worked for is, however, still around: Chastened and battered, perhaps, but still in existence!) The day of the IPO was thrilling. We all sat at our desks and watched the stock price sky-rocket on the little tickers we had on our desktops. It was unbelievable. We all had decisions to make: hold onto our shares, or sell. Eventually, when the stock was at what seemed to be its highest point (it couldn’t go much higher …. could it???) I took the plunge, called the number I was told to call, talked briefly to the nice guy who answered and said, awkwardly, “Uh … yeah. Sheila O’Malley. Uh … sell????” I half-expected him to say, “Who the hell is this?” But he said instead, “Will do, Ms. O’Malley.” He sold. I won’t say how much I made but it was more money than I personally had ever had in my entire life, before or since. I couldn’t believe it. I was just a lowly AOL Rainman programmer, doing staged readings and auditioning and attending acting class at night. What was my life??

This was the mania of the Start-up Era. Our startup was about content, not about services. We did not provide a service, like, say, Amazon (a giant start-up of that era). We had no product. But this was back in the day when people really believed that Content could somehow translate into Millions of Dollars. But how to measure what we actually owned? Were we over-valued on the market? Probably, yes! That was a very common thing that happened back then, and our start-up had a “spin”, and a “slant” that was very appealing to people writing about the Internet, and people watching the Internet. But that was a big issue with us: how to translate what we were doing into cash. People didn’t PAY for our content. If AOL linked to one of our pieces on their homepage, the traffic was so overwhelming it would sometimes slow down our whole site. So … how do you VALUE a link like that? Entire departments were created to talk about/think about this very issue. Of course, we had ads on our site. And, eventually, like most content-driven sites, it was the ads that gave us our money, but it was certainly not enough to pay for our warehouse-cool offices, our salaries, our perks. The money, then, was based on something “not real”, essentially: the feeling that the content we provided was new, essential, and on the front-wave of a world-changing movement. Seriously, this is how people thought. History has, of course, shown us that people WILL pay for content, but you have to set up the right model for it.

I’m very glad I sold, by the way, because – again, textbook – the stock soon began to plunge back down again. We were bought. We were sold. We were bought again. We were sold. The crash came. They laid off something like 200 people on one day. I made the cut. The following year, another 70 people laid off. I made the cut again. We were bought yet again. It was a roller coaster ride. I continued to make the cut. It eventually came to the point where I begged my boss to lay me off. I didn’t want to be the last one standing in this stupid thing. My dad used to joke, “Just turn the lights off on your way out, Sheila.” My job continued to morph and change. I wasn’t a careerist. I had no skills, really, but I can learn anything, people like me, and I am very organized. So I was shuffled around from department to department. Finally we were bought by a gigantic television network, and I was offered a job to be the liaison between our company and a very popular (that’s an understatement) morning television show. I would pitch our content to the producers of said TV show, get our experts on the show, run polls, and, in general, try to make everyone happy with the relationship. It was a stressful job, and for the first time, I worked on weekends, I worked late nights, I would take a car service home. It was exciting, though. I loved learning about the television show, and getting there at 5 in the morning to help set up segments, and keep our experts happy, etc.

Things were changing, though. The relationship with the network ended, and I was sort of homeless for a while, at my own job. I didn’t even have a desk. I was given another job, programming the home page of the site, which had gone through a huge re-branding, re-vamping. I could sense the writing was on the wall for me, though. The company had changed so much. I could almost feel my own redundancy. By that point I had been there 11 years. Believe it or not, I was the most senior person there, in terms of years. Everyone else was “new”. Even the co-founders were gone, bought out, moved on. Another day of lay-offs came, in 2009, and finally (ha) I was laid off. My main fear was that the money was going to run out and that I would not be given a proper or satisfying severance. I didn’t want to work someplace for 11 years and be given two months’ pay. But the company did right by me, gave me a gigantic severance package, plus benefits, AND I could ALSO collect unemployment. Then began another chapter in my life, begun in 2010, when I had the breathing space to start pursuing freelance writing opportunities, which I did. I didn’t have to have a day job for a while. I wrote. I went to Block Island. I went to Los Angeles. I wrote my play. I upped my pursuit of film criticism jobs.

And that was all made possible, financially, by the little start-up that had hired me back in the day as a freelancer, to put little Rainman coding into the little AOL interface to mirror our site for AOL users. It was a great job. I will always be grateful to them. And I will always be happy that they “did right by me”, by giving me the severance package I felt I deserved.

This biographical story was fun to write, because those were high-flying crazy days: everything was new, fresh, and you were watching people you knew become millionaires … for reasons that weren’t quite apparent. It was a young crowd. Enterpreneurs and idea-people were valued. The sky seemed to be the limit. Some of these start-ups were valued higher than entire airlines. That is obviously insane and shows, without a shadow of a doubt, that we were all in a bubble. A speculative bubble.

The bubble worked out great for me, though.

And so The New Gilded Age is really reminiscent to me of those times, the things I experienced, the feeling we got in those vast conference halls, as financial guys schooled us in the ways of Wall Street, and we all took notes. Everyone was a beginner. It was thrilling. And better than that: interesting.

I’m not normally interested in finance, at least as a spectator sport, although I realize I am in the minority. But The New Gilded Age, with its elegant writing and elegant format, is deeply satisfying. There are profiles (this is listed under the heading “The Barons”) of major players at the time, both in the Internet world (like today’s essay), and not (Donald Trump is profiled, Alan Greenspan – a FASCINATING essay).

The first essay in the collection is called ‘The Connector’, by Larissa MacFarquhar, and it is a profile of Jason Calacanis, a name that will, of course, be very familiar to Internet people. He’s still around. ‘The Connector’ was written in 1999, at the time that Calacanis was top of the heap in terms of entrepreneurs/web-watchers. He had created a magazine called Silicon Alley Reporter, reporting on New York’s internet scene. There was also an email version and a newsletter. It is indicative of the mania of the time that this nobody, really, could come from out of nowhere, create something called the “Top 100” list, of Internet entrepreneurs, and it would be treated as valid and set-in-stone, as though Silcon Alley Reporter was on the level of Forbes or something. But Calacanis was ambitious, arrogant, and had his eye on the future. He wouldn’t be one of those web-guys, but he would make them famous. And in doing so, he would become part of the warp and weft of this new explosion of wealth and opportunity. And that pretty much happened. He treated the Web CEOs like movie stars, putting them on the cover of his magazine in detailed beautiful photographs, as though they were Jeff Bridges or Michelle Williams. Much of what Calacanis excelled at was “spin” and there was a lot of spin in those days. There was huge competition about his “100” list: everyone wanted to be on it. It was devastatingly important that you appear on that list, dammit!

Calacanis was a schmoozer, a wheeler, a dealer, he knew everyone, he was young, and he was being treated like an Oracle from the Black Lagoon. There is a sense of unreality to all of it, if you go back and look at that specific time. MacFarquhar’s piece, which is both investigative essay and profile (she hangs out with Calacanis, goes to editorial meetings, follows him around) is a fascinating glimpse of the world at that time. She describes the staff of Silicon Alley Reporter: 8 people, 2 of whom were interns who looked like they were in high school. No one was over 30.

Every essay in this collection is world-class, with that typical New Yorker spin. There are personal essays from those who were in financial dire straits, personal essays about playing the stock market. Since they are all written in real-time, in the late 90s, one of the greatest strengths of the collection is that it is a snapshot of The Mania. The crash was coming. Nobody wanted to listen to the Bad News tellers.

When the crash came, Silicon Alley Reporter died a quick death.

Here’s an excerpt from MacFarquhar’s essay about Jason Calacanis. I met Jason Calacanis once or twice, but I do not know him.

The New Gilded Age: The New Yorker Looks at the Culture of Affluence, edited by David Remnick; ‘The Connector’, by Larissa MacFarquhar

It is generally agreed that it was the “100” list, inaugurated late in 1997, that put Calacanis on the map. No matter what anybody thought of him and his magazine, there was something about a published ranking that carried a potency all its own. Everybody wanted to be on the list, and everybody who made it cared who ranked above and below him. Better still, those who made it tended to note that fact in their publicity material, and this had the effect of bolstering the list’s (and the magazine’s) reputation. There had been new-media awards ceremonies before the list came out, but they tended to focus on the doomed technology of CD-ROMS, and they rewarded artistic achievement. Calacanis’s list rewarded importance, and, for the most part, that meant business. It was not just a matter of money, however. If the list had simply tabulated corporate wealth, it would have been nothing more than an accounting exercise. By measuring importance, it preserved that crucial dimension of mystery and subjectivity which made it productively controversial. “The ‘100’ list creates tremendous resentment,” one Alley figure who’s made it on both times says. “Behind Jason’s back, most people say nasty things about him, but to his face they are as nice as nice can be, because to be on the map of New York cyberbusiness they’ve got to be in his ‘100’.”

Calacanis knows this, of course, and welcomes it as a sign of clout. “People who don’t get on it probably think I’m a little full of myself, a little drunk with the power of the magazine,” he says, and shrugs. “They feel spurned because I don’t love them, and they think – wrongly – that if I loved them my love would make them successful. God forbid someone should look at himself in the mirror and think, I had a bad idea.”

But the list served a second function, too: it signalled that on lower Broadway, where a minute ago there had been nothing, there were now a hundred new-media people worth writing about. As such, it is a key element of Calacanis’s campaign to convince the world that Silicon Alley is the place in which the new-media business will come gloriously into its own. His argument, which he repeats frequently, is that now, as in the early days of any medium, it is the technology people who make the money and attract the attention, but later on only the creative types, in New York and Los Angeles, will have a hope of inventing the new genres of entertainment and advertising required to arrest the evanescent attentions of the Internet consumer. Calacanis has had limited success in promoting this view. “There are thousands of little guys in New York,” Henry Blodget, an Internet analyst at Merrill Lynch, says. “And they’re little for a reason, which that content isn’t big business.”

In the early afternoon, Calacanis rode a taxi uptown to the Sheraton on Seventh Avenue, to drop in on a trade show sponsored by Jupiter, an Internet market-research company. He strolled past the exhibits, sampling the atmosphere. “Look how empty this place is,” he said, sotto voce. “My show? Packed.” He wandered over to the beverage stand, poured himself a cup of coffee, looked about in vain for milk, and shook his head genially as though docking points in a game. “My show will be classy,” he pronounced. ” We serve wine and mimosas at lunch, and we have sushi. It’s a more mature environment.”

Calacanis’s conferences, like his “100” list, are masterpieces of social engineering. He creates a complex and ingenious caste system involving concentric layers of hierarchy, of dinners within parties and interviews within panels, of exclusivity both real and apparent: there are events you pay to get into, events you have to be important to get into, and events you pay to get into in order to meet those who are important, who get in free. He compensates his speakers with flattery (for most, he doesn’t even cover expenses), knowing that few C.E.O.s can resist being presented to their colleagues as thinkers. He adds glamour by throwing in modish cultural figures – an actor from Star Trek, a rapper, a producer of The Blair Witch Project, the Belgian anarchist responsible for the Bill Gates pie-throwing incident. For entertainment, he invents games, such as Ready, Set, Pitch!, in which, before a live audience, would-be entrepreneurs try to talk a panel of venture capitalists and financiers into giving them seed money.

Having sized up the booths and found them wanting, Calacanis rode the escalator down to the first floor and sauntered over to chat with James Healy, of IN2.com. Healy’s company had recently been acquired, and Calacanis wanted to congratulate him. (Healy had consulted him on the wisdom of the move, and Calacanis had put him in touch with a few people.) A skinny young man approached, wearing a turquoise polo shirt with his company’s logo embroidered on it in yellow. “I want to go big,” the young man confided to Calacanis, holding his hands apart to show he wasn’t kidding around. “Really big. You’ve heard of convergence? Well, I want to do all media. I’d like to sit down with you sometime.” A smiling young blond woman with noticeable cleavage and a badge identifying her as a representative of Excite@Home wandered over to chat and pitch. A large young man carrying a heavy bag lingered awkwardly during their conversation, then moved in to offer his card. He represented a company named @Philly, and had been very happy to learn that Calacanis was planning a trip to Philadelphia. Calacanis listened to each, cocking his ear for the punch line, nodding rapidly and shifting from foot to foot. He tries to avoid pitches, but he realizes that, as he puts it, “if I only hang out with billionaires, I’ll miss the next wave.”

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Jef Costello in Le Samourai: What You See Is What You Get, But What Is That Exactly?

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Let’s talk about Jef Costello, the lead character in Jean-Pierre Melville’s Le Samourai, played by Alain Delon. Let’s talk about what we know, which is just the information we get from the screen. (That’s pretty much all we get, anyway: the rest is left up to interpretation.) And what we know leads to speculation, which is also part of the fun of this performance (and this film).

Jef Costello is a freelance hired killer. No information is given about his background, his childhood, his young adulthood, his parents … nothing. He appears to have emerged from nowhere.

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He lives in a grey-walled apartment (dingy is an understatement, it is almost otherworldly and abstract in its grey-ness). He never eats. Or, we never see him eat. He drinks bottled water. On top of a grey dingy wardrobe near the kitchen is a line of bottles of water. He smokes. On top of that same wardrobe, are neat stacks of cigarettes.

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Jef Costello’s immaculate appearance (in public and in private) is in stark contrast to the hovel in which he lives. He wears smooth trenchcoats, grey suits, and a sleek grey fedora. Before he goes out every day, he stands in front of the mirror, putting on his hat. There is a ritualistic nature to everything he does. He does the same things in the same order every day. When the fedora is finally on, he swoops his finger across the brim, a finishing theatrical touch.

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His eyes are mostly vacant. Only very rarely does anything resembling normal human emotion enter into their icy blueness. Even when he is in a panic, like when he is trying to hot wire the pianists’ car while the entire Parisian police force is tracking him, his gaze is far-distant and yet somehow deeply inward at the same time. Like an animal in a trap, he endures, all while desperately trying to free himself.

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He has zero self-pity. Survival is his only concern.

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He is cunning enough to set up a double alibi for the night he is to do the killing. It is an impenetrable alibi, something that frustrates the police chief (François Périer), who knows there is something “off” about this guy, and knows that most killers don’t have airtight double alibis.

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In his flat grey apartment sits a bird cage, in the middle of the room. Inside it is a chirping grey bird. It jumps around, peeping repeatedly. I love the detail of the bird. It is incongruous in that apartment, and it is incongruous in Jef Costello’s life. He doesn’t seem like a pet kind of guy. It’s a nod to This Gun For Hire (1942) with killer Alan Ladd feeding a stray kitten who shows up in his hovel. Ladd is tender with the kitty. There’s one quiet moment in Le Samourai when Jeff pours bird food into the little feeder. So he takes care of the thing. He actually goes out and buys bird feed (I mean, we don’t see him do this, but he must.) And in one alarming moment, when he comes home, the peeping bird somehow tips him off that everything is not right in the apartment. Someone has been in there while he was gone. The other thing that I think is interesting about the bird is its incessant chirps. It’s used as a joke during one scene, when two surveillance guys put a bug in Costello’s apartment and when they listen to the tape running from another location all they hear on the tape is “Peep! Peep! Peep! Peep!” What interests me about the bird is how annoying that incessant peeping would be to anyone who had a normal life. If you had a big house, you could put the peeping bird in another room so you wouldn’t have to hear it all the time. Jef Costello places it in the center of his one-roomed apartment. It has a ceremonial look to it, a display-case look. He lies on the bed, the bird peeps, and it doesn’t irritate him in the slightest. He is always a little bit elsewhere, although where is hard to say. He is like an animal of the predator variety. Predators lie in wait in the brush, and a bird could be jumping on their back and they wouldn’t notice, so intent are they on their larger prey. Predators have intense concentration. I imagine it’s like tunnel vision: the rest of the world and the periphery blotted out, your field of view narrowing down to the zebra standing in the field beyond. So Jef lies on his bed, and “peep peep peep” fills the air, and it doesn’t touch his interior concentration. Does Jef Costello “love” the bird? Well, I can’t imagine that, although there is some relationship between the two.

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Jef Costello is capable of great and eerie stillness, not only interior but exterior. He never fidgets. There is no movement that is extraneous.

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But when he does choose to move, it is always with purpose. His survival instincts are honed to knife-edged sharpness. When he attacks, he does so with no hesitation, and when he fights, it is always to the death. It’s not that just that he has a death wish, although the ending of the film, with its swan dive into the inevitable, does suggest that all along Jef Costello knew where this all would end up. It is just that death is always a factor for him. He does not value life, not in the way normal people do. Why would he? He is emotionally color-blind, which is reflected in the greyness of his private environment. He values survival, and is not fatalistic or self-destructive. He does care whether or not he survives. Someone who did not care would not work so hard to create an intertwining double alibi. But the quality of life is irrelevant to him, beyond his concern. Pleasure is not a factor. But he understands that death is the dark door at the end of every hallway, either his, or someone else’s. Unlike “the normals” of this world, Jef Costello doesn’t fool himself about mortality.

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Jef Costello has a girlfriend (sort of). Her name is Jane, and she is played by Nathalie Delon, Alain Delon’s real-life wife. Jane has other men, coming and going from her apartment, so it is clear she is a working-girl of some kind. But there is something emotional going on with Jef. She may love him, she may not, but what she does feel for him is apparent loyalty and fondness. When he needs her, and he does, he shows up and makes a request. She loves to be needed by him. And yet, this is not a typical woman role: the breathless open-hearted naive woman who loves the cold killer. She’s on the same side of the coin as Jef is. He probably recognizes that. She understands his need to survive. When he asks her to help set up one part of his alibi, telling her what she needs to say when the cops come around, as he knows they will, she nods. She’s got it. Even with the pressure put on her by the cops, the harassment as well as the blackmail, she doesn’t cave. She’s as tough and unbreakable as Jef. Jef chooses his woman well. She is a survivor, too. She does not overwhelm him with emotion. She keeps her distance from him. It’s a fascinating relationship, the glimpses we get of it. She has the same interior stillness. You understand why he values her. I also imagine that he trusts her because she seems to understand that he is not like other men, other people, really, and will not make demands or smother him or expect anything remotely normal from him.

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Jef Costello, I am sure, knows he’s “off”. He has probably been this way from birth. This is the way he is made. In circulating amongst “the English”, he wouldn’t be able to help but notice that other people’s behavior (laughter, hugging, casual chit-chat) was foreign to him, inaccessible. This difference would have shown up early. Jef Costello, unlike, say, Travis Bickle, doesn’t seem to ache to join the world of the Normals. He knows what he is. He does the best he can to walk about in the world without being detected, not just as a killer, but as the strange Being that he is. Love and sex are, obviously, the ultimately revealing experiences. I imagine Jef would avoid love like the plague, because obviously he couldn’t do it. He’s not a sadist, ironically. He is too solitary for that, and his interest in other people is dim, at best. He has no desire to pretend he is anything other than what he is, because that would take too much emotional and physical energy. His entire life is designed to conserve energy: how he moves, how he speaks, everything is in service to keeping things to the lowest possible boiling point. Otherwise, he would give himself away. Clearly, on some level, he “gives himself away” to Jane. They have slept together. Things are understood between them. She knows he’s not a normal man. He would vanish if she started to get attached. You don’t sense that this is a great sacrifice for her, though. She is not sitting on her hands, aching to treat him like her “boyfriend”. She completely understands that he is outside the normal course of life, to expect too much would be suicide for their special bond, and she provides a quiet space of feminine non-judgment that is very very important for Jef Costello, although he would never put it in those words. What is he like in bed? Sex reveals. It can also conceal, but I think for Jef it reveals. And he trusts Jane with that sexual information. She will not use it against him. His vulnerability, purely physical in nature, is safe with her. In their final scene together, as the vise is tightening around Jef Costello, he asks if she has been harassed. She says yes, but in a tone of, “Of course. No worries. It’s no big deal.” And for Jane, it isn’t a big deal. He turns back to her and says, “Because of me?” It’s an eloquent line. You could read a lot into it, and while his face remains a mask, there is a glimmer of something else underneath. I wouldn’t call it “pain”, but he is disturbed that this woman would have been harassed “because of him”. So he is not incapable of attachment to another human being. He feels attached enough to her to have feelings of some kind that she would be willing to put up with harassment on his behalf.

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In that final scene with her, there is a sense of everything falling apart. She has been pulled into the police station. She has been blackmailed and threatened. His alibi is shattering. He has nowhere left to hide. He goes to her, and they talk, briefly. They stand over by the window. She reaches up to touch his hair. It is their only moment of physical contact. He takes her in his arms, and kisses her, deeply, on the side of her face. A breathtaking moment of tenderness and gentleness. The gentleness the character is capable of is implied in his practical caring for that annoying peeping bird. He does not torture the bird for kicks. He does not starve it. He maintains its diet, and places it in a ceremonial spot in the middle of his room. But here, holding this woman for what is probably the last time, we suddenly see a whole other layer, a whole other possibility for him that is now, of course, lost. I don’t mean to suggest that he is so damaged and if only he had the love of a good woman he wouldn’t be an assassin. That is not what I mean. It’s that whatever agreement the two of them have (you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours) has opened up in him a small very private space of trust and gratitude (accessible only to her) that can translate here into great tenderness. The moment still surprises every time it comes.

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And this is just speculative: Jef Costello is clearly handsome, because he is played by Alain Delon. Alain Delon is up there with Greta Gabro in terms of unforgettable enigmatic cinematic beauty. So there’s that, it is an undeniable fact of Jef Costello’s existence. It’s genetic. He can’t help it. I imagine that many women do a double take when they first lay eyes on Jef Costello. The double-take would then turn into a triple take, of that I am sure. She glances at him casually, she looks away. Then, something ignites inside her (Wait … is that man as … beautiful as I think he is?) So she looks back to check. Yup. Damn fine-looking man. She looks away again, not wanting to be busted for staring. But then … The third take would be inevitable, and the most interesting. Despite his beauty (and it’s more beauty than handsomeness), there would be something about his face that registers as … off. Eerily “other”. Perhaps it is the “uncanny valley” effect in operation. You can sense, just by looking at him that something is not quite right, although you may not be able to put your finger on what that might be.

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In Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, bounty hunter Rick Deckard gives an “empathy test” to those suspected of being androids. Empathy is the key to being human, the only thing that separates us from the animals. And time and time again, Deckard gets that prickly weird feeling at the back of his neck while giving the test, knowing that he is in the presence of something that LOOKS human, but ISN’T. (This, by the way, is a known effect described by social workers/prison counsellors and others who have regular contact with psycho/sociopaths. It is one of the “tells”, a primal fight-or-flight response telling you: “Get the hell away from this person.”)

John Steinbeck describes it best in his character description of Cathy in East of Eden – he could be talking about the uncanny valley:

Even as a child she had some quality that made people look at her, then look away, then look back at her, troubled at something foreign. Something looked out of her eyes, and was never there when one looked again. She moved quietly and talked little, but she could enter no room without causing everyone to turn toward her.

She made people uneasy but not so that they wanted to go away from her. Men and women wanted to inspect her, to be close to her, to try and find what caused the disturbance she distributed so subtly. And since this had always been so, Cathy did not find it strange.

Historically, people have gotten very annoyed when I write about psychopaths. It seems to be a “thing”. I am not sure why. There are a lot of questions to be asked and answered, but people seem annoyed by the asking. Perhaps it cuts too close to the heart of who we are, our identities, what it means to be human. People are attached to the environmental explanation, and for understandable reasons. We don’t want to believe that androids (so to speak) can be born to human parents. To suggest that there are those who are born without the essential elements that make up human beings (empathy, compassion) is controversial, and threatening. There has been a knee-jerk rejection to even discussing it, and it happens so regularly I could set my watch by it. Clearly, this hasn’t stopped me, but it is something interesting I wanted to point out.

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All of this is not to reduce Jef Costello to a psych diagnosis (one of the least interesting ways to approach the character). The human mind is a mysterious thing, and one of Delon’s strengths is that his performances are always highly intelligent, and yet coiled up in silent un-giving intrigue. His beauty has a forbidding quality to it, as well as a beckoning quality. It’s a camouflage, a brilliant one. In Kim Morgan’s wonderful piece on Delon, she quotes Delon as saying, “I had a physique in contradiction with what I carried inside. I’ve fought it all my life.” So interesting and relevant to the kinds of roles he played, and how honestly he utilized himself.

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I have a fascination with actors (it is mainly actors, although there are some actresses who move into this field as well) who can capture a certain sort of blank-ness, who can empty themselves out, so to speak, of normal motivations and recognizable psychology, who can turn themselves opaque. This is not for amateurs. If simplistically done, then you merely become a cipher, a shallow mask. But true blank-ness is more challenging, and when done right is one of the most frightening attributes an actor can portray. Robert Montgomery was excellent at it. Robert Walker, in Strangers On a Train, is superb in this regard. Peter Lorre wrote the book on cinematic blank-ness. On the female side, Barbara Stanwyck was able to empty herself out like that. Sissy Spacek in Badlands is a Master Class in it. (Here’s a long post I wrote about that performance, and many other things.) Isabelle Huppert has given a couple of extremely frightening performances which have that void at the center of them. It’s a difficult quality to describe, because it is somewhat outside the realm of normal human behavior, and I did my best in a couple of different essays, on Fandor about Jeremy Renner, whose performance in The Hurt Locker is really a perfect example of what I am talking about, although there were many examples early in his career of what he seemed to be “about” as an actor (I go into those as well). And this long essay about Johnny Depp’s “opacity” in his playing of John Dillinger, something I found compelling and unique.

In terms of literature, you can’t really find a better example of that frightening blank quality than Patricia Highsmith’s brilliant creation of Tom Ripley, although Charles Willeford’s novels also stand out. James M. Cain, too. But that sort of “flat affect” is, again, difficult to describe, especially from the inside (which is why Highsmith’s work is such a towering accomplishment: it’s from Ripley’s point of view).

I have strayed far from the topic of Jef Costello, but that’s one of my favorite things about Delon’s work. As tight and spare and abstract as it is, it is also vast and open-ended. As I said before: amateurs should not attempt.

Let’s get back to the flat affect for a moment.

Roger Ebert:
“He was 32 when this movie was made, an actor so improbably handsome that his best strategy for dealing with his looks was to use a poker face. He seems utterly unaware here of his appearance; at times he seems to be playing himself in a dream.”

Jef Costello circulates, operates, connives, schemes, runs, hides, and then, for long stretches of time, lies still on his bed, so still that we can barely perceive that a human being is even in the room in the famous opening shot. It is hard to say what it is like for Jef Costello from the inside, but that question is irrelevant in many ways (albeit interesting) because Delon is so riveting to watch. The performance has such authority, such confidence, that it is impossible to imagine it being played any other way by any other man. The character is not “on the page”. The script is very spare (most of the lines belong to the police chief), and Melville himself described Delon’s hesitation in taking the role because … where the hell WAS the role? The guy never says anything! But Melville got his man, and Delon took to the format and structure beautifully. It suited him. Melville didn’t believe in giving a lot of direction. Like most great directors, he believed in casting well, first and foremost. Rare is the director who wants to spend a ton of time drawing an actor out, and crafting the performance FOR the actor. He wouldn’t have had to tell Delon a lot, because Delon had his finger on the pulse of the piece, as did Melville.

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The flat affect (ie: poker face) works on a couple of different levels. It tells us who the character is, and immediately highlights him as a human oddity. Most people, even when they are unhappy, have a variety of expressions. Secondly, what happens (and this is my favorite part about it, and part of my fascination with actors who can do this) is that the face becomes a blank screen on which I am free to project stuff. There is no ego in such work, in other words. Ego means you, the actor, want us, the audience, to know where you are coming from. You the actor want to be known and seen, and your emotions are invested in that part of the acting career. And sometimes that is very important for a role. But when it’s not, as here, (and as a matter of fact knowing where Jef Costello is “coming from” would ruin the whole thing), the performance is cloaked in mystery as well as eloquence. It becomes iconic as well as singular. There is a nothing-ness at the heart of what is going on, and nothing-ness is one of the most unnatural states for human beings to confront. Nature itself races in to fill in the blanks, wherever blanks show up. That’s what I am present to when I hang out with characters like Jef Costello. I race around trying to fill in the blanks (Delon’s face demands that kind of engagement, as well as a certain level of alienation: that’s the thing about beauty like that), and at the same time, I am forced to sit with the nothing-ness, to accept the blanks. It’s unnerving.

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While there are many unforgettable closeups in Le Samourai there is one that stands out. Jef Costello returns to the nightclub on the evening after the murder. He had been spotted in the downstairs hallway post-murder by the beautiful pianist at the nightclub (Cathy Rosier). She is an eyewitness. Obviously he is going to have to “deal” with her in some way. But the confrontation is delayed. Jef Costello himself delays it. He befriends her, in a way. Incredibly, and yet Delon makes it unsurprising, he confides in her.

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She, like Jane, does not give him up when the opportunity arises. I would imagine that Jef Costello, from a very young age, could suss out those he could trust with his essential nature, and those he could not. He is walking around in enemy territory, not just because of his job, but because of what he is. But his first time back at the nightclub, you are not sure how it will go. The pianist plays onstage. Jef Costello enters and sits at the bar. He orders a drink, and sits, facing the stage. The look on his face could turn my blood to ice.

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He approaches her. She looks up. They make eye contact. This is what she sees.

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Robert Hare, the world expert in psychopathy, who started as a prison counsellor, is well versed in hanging around the criminal element, listening to murderers talk about their innocence when it is clear they are guilty. Those people do not frighten him. He describes in his book Without Conscience his encounter with a different sort of criminal entirely, a man who killed some people, and then, during his counselling session, proceeded to charm the pants off of Hare, laughing off his horrible actions, and justifying it all with a shrug. Hare, as I said, is not unaccustomed to hanging around with violent people. But this one particular guy frightened him so much that he felt he should no longer be alone in the room with him. And yet he could not point to one specific reason why. It was the overall affect that was terrifying.

Most people would take one look at that gorgeous face staring at them in that flat way and run screaming into the night.

A closeup like that requires enormous skill and talent. Just because Delon makes it look easy shouldn’t fool you. It is rare to be that transparent. In that moment, more so than any other in the film, Jef Costello reveals who he is. He reveals what it is like for him.

Michael Atkinson:
“Swallowed by an anachronistic trench coat and fedora, which nevertheless blends into Melville’s un-’60s-ish timelessness, Delon became here that rare thing: a movie totem, not an actor or character but a temple-god in our communal consciousness.”

One could posit that trusting the pianist, or: being drawn to the pianist’s mysterious act of benevolence in not fingering him in the lineup, is Jef Costello’s fatal flaw. Or, seen in another light, perhaps he senses that in her he can finally find the relief from having to pretend to be human. Through her, he will finally reach his true destiny, which is death. The final moment in the film certainly points in that direction.

An equally revealing scene is when Jef Costello, nicked by a bullet on the overpass in the train yard, gets back to his apartment, huddled over the wound in his arm. He is exhausted and freaked out. As I mentioned, survival is his concern. And he is clearly an actual human being, who bleeds real blood. And feels physical pain. His collapse once he is inside is devastating to our conception of him, and is also part of the destabilizing act that is the film. The guy is a badass. He is a cold-hearted killer-for-hire. There is no way on earth that society can function if we don’t chase down and imprison or kill guys like him. (He, by the way, understands this implicitly. Nothing that happens to him he sees as “unfair”. Again: no self-pity.) And yet because he is played by Delon, and because we are rarely given a break from his company throughout the film, we root for him in a sense. We are psyched when he makes a break for it out of the Metro car, sensing that the little old lady is an informer (he’s right). We think he’s awesome when he dodges yet another tail on the moving walkway. It’s a race to the finish, and he’s our guy, he’s our lead. It’s not a sympathetic performance, and yet it plays on our sympathies. Like all great antiheroes do.

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The following sequence is riveting. He calmly, and yet clearly in great physical distress, goes to his kitchen and dresses the wound. He is meticulous and no-nonsense about it, and yet without his trenchcoat and fedora, clad only in a white-T-shirt, he looks almost boyish. Lean and young. His body is touchingly vulnerable. And when he pours what I assume is iodine on the wound, he barely flinches, and yet his fist clenches up. It’s a gorgeous moment, a carefully crafted and perfectly executed bit of stage business, which is physical, emotional, and psychological, all at the same time. That’s how you do it, folks. And you don’t have to do too much. But you do, however, have to know exactly what the hell you are doing.

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When Jef Costello returns to the nightclub for the third and final time, he turns the car off. With his other visits, he left the car running. He knew he wasn’t going to be long. But finally, with the pincers of the entire Parisian police force, as well as every volunteer in what seems to be a 10-mile radius, closing in on him, Jef Costello knows his time is up. It’s time for him to go. He won’t be needing the car again. It will be okay to turn it off. His acceptance of his own death is existential in nature, and almost requires a leaning-in-towards it: a giving posture of accessibility. It’s reminiscent of James Cagney going out in a blaze of glory at the end of White Heat, of many many other films featuring a killer’s final stand. Peggy Cummins standing up at the end of Gun Crazy, shouting into the fog at the waiting police force that she will kill them ALL. Thelma and Louise grasping hands before driving off into the abyss. The swoony slow-mo swan dive of Bonnie and Clyde. The final standoff in Hawks’ Scarface. But so many more. It’s the only way for these people to go out.

For those who have not seen the film, I will not reveal the final twist, the final eloquent detail about who Jef Costello is.

But even in his last moment, Jef Costello conceals as much as he reveals.

Or maybe it would be best to say it the other way around. He reveals as much as he conceals.

And because of that he will be talked about long after we all pass through that dark door at the end of every hallway.

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Stuff I’ve Been Reading

Do not miss this essay on Bob Woodward and the writing of Wired. It’s an extremely important piece of writing and analysis, and quite damning. It made me think of Didion’s essay on Woodward, although it’s even more critical of Woodward than that.

Kim Morgan on the vagina purses in Hitchcock’s Marnie. I love this piece so much.

“loomfixer which welled shadowy” An eerie post of images/words on one of my favorite sites out there, The Art of Memory.

I want to rent the last Cinema Bus for screenings.

Because of Jessa Crispin’s enthusiastic reviews and interviews with author Eva Illouz about her book Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation, I picked it up. It’s not necessarily “my thing”, normally: It’s a sociology book. It’s about love/romance in the modern world. Despite having a bit of a learning curve with the language (it reminds me of college), it is a fascinating examination of the modern-day marriage/love market. Quite upsetting in many ways, and triggering, but I think Ms. Illouz is onto something. Highly recommended for anyone interested in the whole game of love, modern men and women, courtship, all that. With great examples provided from literature and elsewhere.

A really great analysis of Susan Hayward, the ultimate B-girl.

An incredible must-read story: “I work at the NBC storage warehouse in Englewood Cliifs, New Jersey,” the man said. “We’ve got several boxes of 16mm reels of film from ‘You Bet Your Life’ and we were wondering if Mr. Marx wants any of it. If not, we’re going to destroy all of it tomorrow.”

This piece from Jeremy Richey is from last year, but we were just discussing the great character actor Luis Guzman on Facebook this morning, and I linked to it because I admired it so much and agreed with it wholeheartedly. Luis Guzman is a fine actor.

Good piece: The Weirdest Episode of the Weirdest Season of ‘Saturday Night Live’

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Outlaws

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“You Did That.”

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Happy Birthday, Ezra Jack Keats

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Ezra Jack Keats is one of my favorite children’s book author, and he is always, somehow, looped in my head to Sesame Street, the world being depicted in his classic tales (Peter’s Chair (Picture Puffins), The Snowy Day, Whistle for Willie, A Letter to Amy) the same urban one as in Sesame Street, so different from the turf farm slash beach town world of my upbringing. He made New York City look like a big wonderland – with whimsical graffiti, and mounds of snow, and stop lights and intriguing brick corners. The illustrations are hypnotic – works of art.

Barry, my father’s best friend, was friends with Ezra Jack Keats, so we grew up feeling a strange personal connection to the man who wrote the books we all loved.

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Letter to Amy was my favorite. It tells the story of a little boy who is planning his birthday party, and everyone he has invited is a boy as well … but … but … what about his friend Amy? Even though she is a girl, they are friends. But how will that go over if a girl comes to his party? Will he be made fun of? He writes a birthday invitation to her. It is a thundery rainy day. The illustrations are phenomenal and evocative. I love rainy days anyway, and I loved them as a little girl too – and Ezra Jack Keats completely captures the watery reflective urban world of a rainy dark day. The whole journey of that book, of grade school angst, and friendship, and learning to be firm enough to like who you want to like, despite peer pressure, really touched me.

A Letter to Amy 5-6

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Ezra Jack Keats is probably best known for The Snowy Day.The city shuts down in a snowstorm like that.

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Some years ago, when we had a massive snowstorm, I was struggling through Times Square, through literally mountainous drifts, trying to get to Port Authority so I could get home – and the roads were completely shut down, no cars anywhere, and people were cross-country-skiing down Broadway. Snowball fights broke out in the middle of 7th Avenue. Sound gets muffled and also amplified by the snow, things get strangely quiet with no traffic, and the stoplights keep going – red, green, yellow, red, green, yellow … even though no cars can approach. The illustrations in The Snowy Day completely invoke that world: the strange quiet that descends over a bustling metropolis when there are mounds of snow.

Happy birthday to an American classic.

Some more illustrations below from his books:

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“Our Life At Home Was a Bit Odd.” – Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

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I’ve written a lot about Jeanette Winterson. You can check out the archive, if you feel so inclined. She is one of my favorite authors writing today. So much so that when I didn’t care for her work (there was a middle period there where she lost me), I stuck with it. I have read every word she has written. I will follow her anywhere. She is mainly known for her first novel, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, which is rather breathtaking and bold, written at the very young age of 25. She burst out of the cannon, almost fully formed. It was extraordinary. The book is unlike anything else. Or maybe, if I had to compare, I would say it is like Grimm’s Fairy Tales, or The Arabian Nights, with a meta-level of information (the lead character’s name is Jeanette) that put her strongly at the forefront of the zeitgeist of the day. She was a “woman writer” (damn that phrase), who could never be painted with the “she just writes domestic novels” brush (which is ridiculous, in any case: Does not Jonathan Franzen write domestic novels? Does not Don DeLillo? The way we talk about women writers needs to change.) Oranges won her all kinds of prizes, and it was turned into a BBC movie which, to this day, is one of the most successful things they’ve ever done, in terms of viewership. But that was just the beginning. The first book I read of hers was Sexing the Cherry and I found her style funny and original and attention-getting. Then I picked up The Passion, and it is one of my favorite books of all time. It is one of the most exhilarating reading experiences I have ever had. The prose left me breathless. Her confidence, her poetry, and the story itself! A French cook for Napoleon meets a webbed-footed crossdressing boatman’s daughter from Venice. It is difficult to explain, and quintessentially Winterson-ish. Her style is remarkable and so much itself. I am not sure I would have fallen as in love with her books if I had started with Oranges, which is more of a memoir dressed up as a monstrous fairy tale: she is the ultimate unreliable narrator (one of her key themes), and I loved her for it, but The Passion is sheer fiction. I’m not a big memoir person. Winterson is prolific, too, another reason I love her. New books from her are like an event. She seems so out there. My thoughts run along the lines of, “So …. what is she up to NOW?” She is mischievous, confident, fearless, she has a giant ego, and the talent to match. Her books will last. She is a very important voice.

Her career has been stormy. She was embraced wholeheartedly because of Oranges, not just by the literary and critical establishment (“a new and unique voice, and OMG she’s a woman, and OMG she’s working class, even better!”) but also by the gay literature world, because of its gay theme. This is something Winterson has bucked against, and rightly so: I am happy for her fight to be regarded as a writer, not owned by a special interest group. She also believes sexuality is fluid (Orlando is one of her favorite books, with its fluid flexible identities and gender-swapping), something which is a no-no in more “correct” circles, but she refuses to budge. She will not be labeled as a Lesbian Writer. She is not a poster child. So because of this, many of the same people who embraced her turned their back on her. They rejected her with the same ferocity they accepted her. While this may be a common experience, it is no less upsetting.

However, as I mentioned, Winterson has an ego that rivals James Joyce’s and Elvis Presley’s, and good for her. She just kept on keeping on. She wrote what she wanted to write, what made sense for her to write. The power of those first novels was such that I hung on there with her. Sure, I’ll read Art and Lies and The Power Book, sure, Jeanette! I’m a loyal fan – but more than that, and this is difficult: I respect the artist’s right to follow her own path. I do not judge her as lacking because she is not doing what I feel she should be doing. It’s similar to those who call Liz Phair a “sell out”. I have contempt for such people, I should warn you. One of the job descriptions of an artist is NOT “plays well with others” or “does the expected safe thing”. James Joyce came out with Ulysses and then worked for 17 years on Finnegans Wake. Critically and financially, that was an absurd choice and not at all practical. Well, if you want practical, I’m not sure why you’re looking at artists to provide you with good role models. Jeanette Winterson’s career existed on that fault line of acclaim/controversy/disdain that I find fascinating, and she had the strength to not buckle under to everyone who wanted her to just keep writing Oranges all over again, or write books that validated THEIR experience. She was constitutionally recalcitrant, and constitutionally rebellious.

Oranges is seen as autobiographical in nature, and it is in many ways, although the structure is odd and does not feel like any other autobiography you may have read. It’s fantastical, monstrous, and you wonder if she’s just making this shit up. The facts are well-known (if you have read Oranges that is). Jeanette Winterson grew up in Manchester. She was adopted as a baby. She did not know who her real parents were. The people who adopted her were evangelicals, of the handing-out-tracts-the-End-Days-are-upon-us variety. Jeanette was raised in that world. They spent all day in church on Sunday, and every night of the week was booked with some church activity. Her mother would leave Bible verses all over the house. Her mother was a bit “off”, you can feel that in Oranges. She would lock Jeanette out of the house throughout Jeanette’s childhood. Some of Jeanette’s earliest memories are of sitting on the doorstoop all day long, hungry and cold, waiting to be let in. Her mother would have thought the Westboro Baptist lunatics were right on the money. She saw hell and damnation whereever she looked, and life was a vale of tears anyway: she hated life and couldn’t wait for it to be over. So what a horror to find that the child she adopted, whom she never really seemed to love anyway, was kissing GIRLS. Jeanette left home at 16 years old. She walked out and never looked back. She lived in her car. She worked at a market. She read voraciously. She was still going to school and she decided to apply to Oxford. (Like I said, the girl never lacked ego.) She got in. She published Oranges at 25, and became an instant celebrity. This is all there in Oranges. It’s a horrifying book in many ways, with its bleak picture of loveless harsh evangelically-driven parents, and a little girl locked out of the house. But it’s also hilarious. Jeanette Winterson has a gigantic sense of humor and loves language the way Joyce loved it, the way TS Eliot loved it, the way Virginia Woolf loved it. People who love language to that degree are often funnier than regular people, because they understand the absurdity of meaning and the fluctuating nature of the words we choose to say. Most of our great comedians have been geniuses in terms of analyzing language. You can’t believe that Mrs. Winterson is as monstrous as she seems. She would stay up all night knitting and listening to evangelical radio. She would scream at neighbors about Jesus, she would shout on street corners. Could this woman have existed? Yes, she did. She exists on the pages of Oranges and is an unforgettable character. She shows up again in Sexing the Cherry, a novel about a giantess who lives on the banks of the River Thames during the Elizabethan era.

Oranges is not a particularly compassionate book. The youth are rarely compassionate when it comes to the failings of their own parents. The book’s lack of compassion is one of its greatest strengths and why it is so mean and funny. It is a vicious hilarious self-aggrandizing book, with an unforgettable voice at the center of it. You feel you would follow that voice anywhere, because surely she knows the way. How can it be that she is only 25?

Then came The Passion, a masterpiece, and Sexing the Cherry, a fantastical and brilliant book. Written on the Body, about one of Winterson’s main themes, unrequited love, was adored by many circles and there are many who count that as their favorite Winterson book. I respect that, believe me, but it was around the time of Written on the Body that Winterson started to bore me. But her prose was always so compelling, so unique, I read it all. Art & Lies was impenetrable to me, and The PowerBook and Gut Symmetries felt like re-treads of Written on the Body: same voice, same meandering non-plot, same often-brilliant treatises on love, but I felt that her prose became disconnected at that time from story and Narrative. That was probably her point. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are often truer than the actual facts. She was working shit out for herself. Love is her theme. It obsessed her. The critics bashed Art and Lies, and around that time some weird stories started coming out about Winterson’s behavior. Whatever, that never interested me. Of course she’s an eccentric. She’s an artist. Of course she’s an obsessive lover who can’t let go of her lovers. Haven’t you read her books?? Why is this a surprise? She wrote children’s books, too, many of which I found didactic, in a way her other books were not. She wrote a re-telling of the Hercules myth, called Weight, that I absolutely adored.

Winterson is best when there is an element of myth and magic in her stories. She loves Stories with a capital S. After all, she grew up immersed in the Bible, which includes some of the greatest stories ever told.

Winterson is always on my radar. If she is interviewed, I read it. If there is a critical analysis of her work, I am all over it. There is something about her that hooked me – early – from the very first line of The Passion, and she has never let me go since. I thank her for that.

So you can imagine my excitement when I heard that Winterson was publishing a memoir. I’m not a big memoir person, although I do make exceptions, but my general feeling is: I honestly don’t care that you grew up in a shack and your Mama beat you. If that’s all you have to tell me, I don’t care. (Unless you’re my friend, that is. I care about my friends’ narratives. With people who decide to publish them, however, I am much more unforgiving and indifferent.) There is a premium placed on “Reality” right now that I find downright disturbing. It leaves no room for art. The blow-up about Zero Dark Thirty, by morons who hadn’t even seen the damn thing yet, is a great example. Even documentaries are a slant on the truth. They’re a “take”. If you want facts listed with no editorial tone, go read Wikipedia. I don’t understand. Was Frank McCourt being literally truthful in Angela’s Ashes? Not according to the people in Limerick. Was it an entertaining book, with an unforgettable voice telling it? Yes. Jeanette Winterson is someone who seems to register to me like a blinking star from outer space, trying to communicate to me, desperate to get her message out. I am thrilled whenever she chooses to communicate.

Besides, I had read Oranges. I had enjoyed it as a fantastical piece of fiction and fact intermingled. But what else would she have to say?

The book is called Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?. It came out and the rave reviews started pouring in. It won prizes, it was on Best of the Year lists across the map. I feel strangely invested in Jeanette Winterson. I have been reading her for so long. I am so pleased for her.

But nothing could have prepared me, believe it or not, for the powerhouse of a book that Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? is. I cried openly while reading it. I also laughed out loud. I also had to read sections out loud to nearby friends, just to revel in her prose. But what I am present to right now is the sheer honesty of the book, its mess and complexity, her trailing-off ellipses at the end of paragraphs, as though she is saying, “There’s more to say here, but let’s just let that hang there for a bit …”, and her brutal honesty about not only her childhood but what that childhood did to her psyche. You hear these awful stories about orphans adopted from orphanages in Romania who come to the United States and although their adoptive parents love them, the children are never able to “attach”. They hoard food. They lie. They tell tall tales. Sometimes they call CPS on their adoptive parents, even though no abuse is going on. All of this makes perfect sense when you imagine a baby lying in a filthy crib for two years, never being held. Of course saying “I love you” is meaningless to such a creature. Of course “You’re safe” is seen as a laughable statement to someone who has been through that experience (even if they can’t consciously remember it). Jeanette Winterson had a horror of a childhood, haunted by the other life she might have had, with her mysterious birth parents who gave her up and she never knew why.

And yet, it wasn’t all bad. She enjoyed church, and loved the simple lesson of that kind of faith: You are worthy, you are loved, pain is not all there is, and the point of life is not just to endure it, but to question it and to also try to be the best person you can be. These were powerful lessons, especially for the downtrodden Manchester working-class, of which she is a proud member. Working-class is an understatement. They had an outdoor bathroom, they all slept in the same room, and their money always ran out mid-week. Jeanette’s adoptive father was relatively useless: at least he did nothing to shield Jeanette from the abuse heaped on her by his wife. Jeanette’s adoptive mother told her that the Devil had brought them the wrong baby, the Devil had brought them to the “wrong crib”. Jeanette believed this implicitly. But abuse like that can do a couple of different things: it can crush someone’s spirit, or it can make someone a rebel. Or it can do both. Jeanette Winterson is not interested in either/or and she never has been. She is interested in multiple levels of reality and perception, where you can be in two places at the same time, where “either/or” makes no sense – it is all included, it is all true. Her spirit was shattered, AND she became a huge fiery rebel which saved her life. Both are true. Her rebellion (she was a bad student, she was a lesbian, she got in fist fights) was not just a matter of survival, but a matter of choosing Life over Death, not an easy prospect in her household, where her mother basically waited for death … or the Apocalypse … whichever one came first.

In the last 10 years, Jeanette Winterson went on a quest to find her birth parents. This search takes up the final three chapters of the book, and tears poured down my face. It’s not just the events that are emotional: it is her manner of writing. (This is why I say I’m not big on memoirs unless you have a unique voice. I am not interested in your struggles with adoption unless you are ALSO a brilliant writer. Life’s too short and there are too many great books out there.) Jeanette Winterson is honest, painfully so, about what her childhood did to her (she does not trust love, she can never live with someone, she needs too much space, she is destroyed when a love affair ends), and she takes responsibility for her behavior, at the same time she embraces it. Her “issues” are what made her an artist. Her “issues” are what made her first couple of books make such an unforgettable impression. There’s a bravura aspect to Winterson’s prose. It’s a strip tease at times, an emotional exhibitionism, spiked with humor, vaudeville and fairy tales, that is difficult to describe but intensely pleasurable to read.

It’s a tour de force.

Some selections:

p. 3

She filled the phone box. She was out of scale, larger than life. She was like a fairy story where size is approximate and unstable. She loomed up. She expanded. Only later, much later, too late, did I understand how small she was to herself.

p. 5

There are markings here, raised like welts. Read them. Read the hurt. Rewrite them. Rewrite the hurt.

It’s why I am a writer – I don’t say ‘decided’ to be, or ‘became’. It was not an act of will or even a conscious choice. To avoid the narrow mesh of Mrs Winterson’s story I had to be able to tell my own. Part fact part fiction is what life is. And it is always a cover story. I wrote my way out.

She said, ‘But it’s not true …’

True? This was a woman who explained the flash-dash of mice activity in the kitchen as ectoplasm.

p. 20

Babies are frightening – raw tyrants whose only kingdom is their own body. My new mother had a lot of problems with the body – her own, my dad’s, their bodies together, and mine. She had muffled her own body in flesh and clothes, suppressed its appetites with a fearful mixture of nicotine and Jesus, dosed it with purgatives that made her vomit, submitted it to doctors, who administered enemas and pelvic rings, subdued its desires for ordinary touch and comfort, and suddenly, not out of her own body, and with no preparation, she had a thing that was all body.

A burping, spraying, sprawling faecal thing blasting the house with rude life.

p. 23

The one good thing about being shut in a coal-hole is that it prompts reflection.

Read on its own that is an absurd sentence. But as I try and understand how life works – and why some people cope better than others with adversity – I come back to something to do with saying yes to life, which is love of life, however inadequate, and love for the self, however found. Not in the me-first kind of way that is the opposite of life and love, but with a salmon-like determination to swim upstream, however choppy upstream is, because this is your stream . . .

Which brings me back to happiness, and a quick look at the word.

Our primary meaning now is the feeling of pleasure and contentment; a buzz, a zestiness, the tummy upwards feel of good and right and relaxed and alive … you know …

But earlier meanings build in the hap – in Middle English, that is ‘happ’, in Old English, ‘gehapp’ – the chance or fortune, good or bad, that falls to you. Hap is your lot in life, the hand you are given to play.

How you meet your ‘hap’ will determine whether or not you can be ‘happy’.

What the Americans, in their constitution, call ‘the right to the pursuit of happiness’ (please note, not ‘the right to happiness’), is the right to swim upstream, salmon-wise.

p. 27

My mother was a good reader, confident and dramatic. She read the Bible as though it had just been written – and perhaps it was like that for her. I got a sense early on that the power of a text is not time-bound. The words go on doing their work.

Working-class families in the north of England used to hear the 1611 Bible regularly at church and at home, and as there was still a ‘thee’ and ‘thou’ or ‘the’ in daily speech for us, the language didn’t seem too difficult. I especially liked ‘the quick and the dead’ – you really got a feel for the difference if you live in a house with mice and a mousetrap.

In the 1960s many men – and they were men not women – attended evening classes at the Working Men’s Institute or the Mechanics’ Institute – another progressive initiative coming out of Manchester. The idea of ‘bettering’ yourself was not seen as elitist then, neither was it assumed that all values are relative, nor that all culture is more or less identical – whether Hammer Horror or Shakespeare.

Those evening classes were big on Shakespeare – and none of the men ever complained that the language was difficult. Why not? It wasn’t difficult – it was the language of the 1611 Bible; the King James Version appeared in the same year as the first advertised performance of The Tempest. Shakespeare wrote The Winter’s Tale that year.

It was a useful continuity, destroyed by the well-meaning, well-educated types who didn’t think of the consequences for the wider culture to have modern Bibles with the language stripped out. The consequence was that uneducated men and women, men like my father, and kids like me in ordinary schools, had no more easy everyday connection to four hundred years of the English language.

A lot of the older people I knew, my parents’ generation, quoted Shakespeare and the Bible and sometimes the metaphysical poets like John Donne, without knowing the source, or misquoting and mixing.

p. 37

The library had all the Eng lit classics, and quite a few surprises like Gertrude Stein. I had no idea what to read or in what order, so I just started alphabetically. Thank God her last name was Austen . . .

p. 40

I had no one to help me, but the T.S. Eliot helped me.

So when people say that poetry is a luxury, or an option, or for the educated middle classes, or that it shouldn’t be read at schools because it is irrelevant, or any of the strange and stupid things that are said about poetry and its place in our lives, I suspect that the people doing the saying have had things pretty easy. A tough life needs a tough language – and that is what poetry is. That is what literature offers – a language powerful enough to say how it is.

It isn’t a hiding place. It is a finding place.

p. 46

Kids were slapped most days but beatings were less common. Kids fought all the time – boys and girls alike – and I grew up not caring much about physical pain. I used to hit my girlfriends until I realised it was not acceptable. Even now, when I am furious, what I would like to do is to punch the infuriating person flat on the ground.

That solves nothing, I know, and I’ve spent a lot of time understanding my own violence, which is not of the pussycat kind. There are people who could never commit murder. I am not one of those people.

p. 53

When I went deaf she didn’t take me to the doctor because she knew it was either Jesus stoppering up my ears to the things of the world in an attempt to reform my broken soul, or it was Satan whispering so loud that he had perforated my eardrums.

It was very bad for me that my deafness happened at around the same time as I discovered my clitoris.

Mrs W was nothing if not old-fashioned. She knew that masturbation made you blind, so it was not difficult to conclude that it made you deaf too.

I thought this was unfair as a lot of people we knew had hearing aids and glasses.

p. 55

When I left the infant school in disgrace for burning down the play kitchen, the headmistress, who wore black tweed because she was in mourning for Scotland, told me mother that I was domineering and aggressive.

I was. I beat up the other kids, boys and girls alike, and when I couldn’t understand what was being said to me in a lesson I just left the classroom and bit the teachers if they tried to make me come back.

I realise my behaviour wasn’t ideal but my mother believed I was demon possessed and the headmistress was in mourning for Scotland. It was hard to be normal.

p. 94

The best sweet shop was run by two ladies who may or may not have been lovers. One was quite young, but the older one wore a woollen balaclava all the time – not the full-face version, but a balaclava nonetheless. And she had a moustache. But a lot of women had moustaches in those days. I never met anybody who shaved anything, and it didn’t occur to me to shave anything myself until I turned up at Oxford looking like a werewolf.

p. 100

We were not allowed books but we lived in a world of print. Mrs Winterson wrote out exhortations and stuck them all over the house.

Under my coat peg a sign said THINK OF GOD NOT THE DOG.

Over the gas oven, on a loaf wrapper, it said MAN SHALL NOT LIVE BY BREAK ALONE.

But in the outside loo, directly in front of you as you went through the door, was a placard. Those who stood up read LINGER NOT AT THE LORD’S BUSINESS.

Those who sat down read HE SHALL MELT THY BOWELS LIKE WAX.

p. 137

I left St Catherine’s and walked down Holywell Street to Blackwell’s bookshop. I had never seen a shop with five floors of books. I felt dizzy, like too much oxygen all at once. And I thought about women. All these books, and how long had it taken for women to be able to write their share, and why were there still so few women poets and novelists, and even fewer who were considered to be important?

I was so excited, so hopeful, and I was troubled too, by what had been said to me. As a woman would I be an onlooker and not a contributor? Could I study what I could never hope to achieve? Achieve it or not, I had to try.

And later, when I was successful, but accused of arrogance, I wanted to drag every journalist who misunderstood to this place, and make them see that for a woman, a working-class woman, to want to be a writer, to want to be a good writer, and to believe that you were good enough, that was not arrogance; that was politics.

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The Streetcar of Fame, by Cary Grant

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… as told to Peter Bogdanovich:

Becoming a movie star is something like getting on a streetcar. Actors and actresses are packed in like sardines.

When I arrived in Hollywood, Carole Lombard, Gary Cooper, Marlene Dietrich, Warner Baxter, Greta Garbo, Fred Astaire, and others were crammed onto the car. A few stood, holding tightly to leather straps to avoid being pushed aside. Others were firmly seated in the center of the car. They were the big stars. At the front, new actors and actresses pushed and shoved to get aboard. Some made it and slowly moved toward the center.

When a new “star” came aboard, an old one had to be edged out the rear exit. The crowd was so big you were pushed right off. There was room for only so many and no more.

One well-known star, Adolphe Menjou, was constantly being pushed off the rear. He would pick himself up, brush himself off, and run to the front to fight his way aboard again. In a short time he was back in the center only to be pushed off once more. This went on for years. He never did get to sit down.

It took me quite a while to reach the center. When I did make it, I remained standing. I held on to that leather strap for dear life. Then Warner Baxter fell out the back, and I got to sit down.

When Gregory Peck got on, it was Ronald Colman who fell off.

The only man who refused to budge was Gary Cooper. Gary was firmly seated in the center of the car. He just leaned back, stuck those long legs of his out in the aisle, and tripped everyone who came along.

When Joan Fontaine got on, she stood right in front of me and held on to one of those leather straps. I naturally got to my feet, giving her my seat. Joan sat down and got an Academy Award!

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The Books: Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression, edited by Nell Casey; ‘The Legacy’, by Martha Manning

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On the essays shelf:

Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression, edited by Nell Casey.

Another essay from Unholy Ghost, a collection with different writers writing about their experience with depression.

Trigger warning, which should be on the other pieces about depression too: Discussion of suicide and depression following. The comments to my pieces on depression have been beautiful, heartfelt, and eloquent. I am so grateful to everyone who has been bold enough to share their own struggles. It helps to know you are not alone. Let’s keep the comments section that way. Thanks.

Martha Manning is a clinical psychologist and has written many books (both memoir-type books as well as guides for patients under treatment). She received the Presidential Award for Patient Advocacy in 1996, and she regularly writes columns on brain disorders, mood disorders, and treatment issues for every big national newspaper in the land. You probably recognize her name.

Depression has a genetic component, obviously, although researchers are still working it out. You can’t see it on an X -ray. Martha Manning grew up in a family “haunted by depression”, as she writes in her first paragraph. Her family is filled with solitary gloomy characters, alcoholics (a common “tell” for those who are self-medicating for other psychological issues), and her amazing essay begins with a portrait of her grandmother, who was clearly a depressed woman. The affliction seemed to skip a generation: Martha’s mother was capable, practical, and spiky, and Martha now sees that as a reaction to growing up with a mother who can’t get out of bed for days on end. Martha lived in fear of being her grandmother, and this fear blossomed in her young. She loved her grandmother. Her grandmother was sympathetic, and had a beautiful spirit, despite her (undiagnosed) illness. She wasn’t as strict as her mother. But then those bad days, those days when her grandmother surrendered to the blackness, were frightening, and she didn’t want to be around her grandmother then. Not just because it was scary to see someone you love sad for no reason, but because there was some spark of identification in Martha, even as a young child: it was like looking in a dark mirror: That could be you.

Depression announced itself early in Martha’s life. She had a hard time with everything. For no reason. Life itself just seemed difficult. Having a good and caring family can make a difference in the depressive’s destiny: If you grow up in a chaotic loveless environment, the chances of you turning to alcohol, drugs, whatever, are extremely high. Nature AND nurture are highly important. It’s not ALL genetic. Environment is key. Martha grew up with caring strict parents, went to school, did well, got married in her 20s. She wanted to be a therapist. She did her post-doctoral fellowship at McLean Hospital (the famous one). It is interesting how she was drawn to the very field she would become intimately acquainted with as a patient. Manning’s essay really talks about the imprint left by a family “haunted by depression”: Manning had first-hand experience of her grandmother, and she had remembered her great-grandmother, who was still alive when she was a child. Her great-grandmother was a hard-hearted critical woman, and Manning’s grandmother would wilt, almost visibly, when in her mother’s presence. You ache for Manning’s grandmother. She had experienced no help, no love, no care for her illness, although her whole family sort of organized itself around her intermittent incapacitations. But it had to be very lonely. She was never treated.

Martha Manning herself was struck by depression seriously in her 20s, although she had always had the propensity for it. When she was in her teens, a cousin committed suicide. You see, it is a family illness. This terrified Manning, and she got into therapy. Then began the familiar story: searching for treatment that would work. Searching for a therapist she clicked with. Meanwhile, she has a husband and daughter. In a way, that provided a good structure, but in another way, it was horrible, because her depressions were not a solitary experience. No man is an island and all that. Her young daughter, who was a child, learned young not to rely on her mother. Martha Manning is very honest about all of that, which is what makes the essay so painful, so cathartic.

No matter what drug she was put on, the depression remained to some degree. And nothing could erase the fear that she would turn into her grandmother. Manning’s fear about that borders on the obsessive, which is another quality of depression (and, certainly, bipolar: the depression takes on a ruminative, obsessive quality, going over the same horrible thoughts again and again and again kind of thing. You trap yourself. You are in a loop.) Certain drugs really helped, although Manning always resented them and thought she should be able to “do it” by herself (a common complaint). Nothing “got rid” of it for Manning. But of course, there are levels. There is a baseline of low energy or depression that can be endured. When things shift, and things get dangerous, it is usually obvious in retrospect, although not so much at the time. What distinguishes a normal level of depression and serious suicidal thinking? It’s not as clear as you might think.

Manning writes, harrowingly, of a time during her marriage, when her daughter was young, when her depression slipped over the edge into agony so acute that suicide started seeming like a valid option, not only to end her own pain, but to end the pain of her family who had to witness her suffering. (Yes, this doesn’t make sense. But to a suicidal person, it makes total sense.) This section killed me: her daughter would sing in the shower every morning, and Manning would listen to it.

One morning, finally convinced that suicide was an act of love not hate, I leaned for what I thought would be the last time against the door. I tried to memorize that voice, with all of its exuberance and innocence. With a sharp slap, her voice brought me to the realization that ending my life would be the surest way to silence that song.

Excruciatingly honest.

Here is an excerpt:

Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression, edited by Nell Casey: ‘The Legacy’, by Martha Manning

My great-grandmother was either authoritative or controlling, depending on how negatively her behavior was affecting you at the time. When we visited my grandmother in Massachusetts, we knew our visit would include a pilgrimage to her mother, Grammy Hale. As young as six or seven, I knew that there was a whole lot more going on during those visits than I could grasp. My intuitions were confirmed whenever children were dismissed immediately following raised voices. I sensed something big happened during those dismissals. Something bad. Later I found out that these were the times my great-grandmother roundly castigated my grandmother – for my grandmother’s break away from a middle-class Irish Catholic neighborhood to reside on the WASPiest street in the town or for the tone of a brief comment my grandmother had made weeks before. The crime didn’t matter. The punishment was always the same: my great-grandmother’s total and complete disgust.

After each visit, I noticed the way my grandmother deflated and remained silent on the drive back to her house. She was almost impossible to distract from her brooding, even with our most entertaining attempts. When we arrived back at her wonderful beach house and celebrated our freedom from creaking musty houses and strange old women, my grandmother was elusive. She stayed in her room, shades drawn against the sun and the ocean, windows shut tight against the clean salt air. It frustrated me to think that she was making herself oblivious to the most obvious ways to feel better.

When we kids asked what was wrong with Grandmother, grownups always told us the same things. Grandmother was “tired”, she “needed some rest,” she “wasn’t well”. The only thing we could possibly do to make her feel better – “Be quiet” – was nearly impossible. Trays that were delivered to her room earlier in the day were retrieved untouched. She didn’t even want to see me, her “golden girl,” who could usually snap her out of anything. Sometimes I’d sneak into her room and lie next to her when she was sleeping, matching my breathing to hers and stroking her hair and face. She didn’t have a fever, she wasn’t throwing up, and I didn’t see spots anywhere, so she wasn’t sick in any way I knew about. I wondered if misery grew with age and actually made people sick. The reasons each siege of sadness finally ended were no clearer to me than the reasons it began. When I asked about these things, unlike other times when I knew information was intentionally withheld, I almost believed my mother when her smile flickered for a moment and she said she didn’t know.

On her good days my grandmother was magic – extravagant, energetic, and interested. She allowed my cousins and me to tag along with her on her many errands and activities. She let us know that we were all perfectly wonderful children despite our parents’ petty complaints about us. She was fun in a way my mother never was. But, on her bad days, my grandmother wilted before my eyes. There was nowhere to tag along, because she didn’t go anywhere. She never got fully dressed. She didn’t laugh. She didn’t think I was perfect anymore. The air felt heavy around her, very still and hard to breathe. My grandfather, a CPA, seemed always to be working. My grandmother went to bed early (many times before dark). For a woman who spent this much time in bed, I was always puzzled by her daily complaint that she didn’t get enough sleep.

In early adolescence, my relationship with my grandmother changed. I felt some unspoken expectation that with my new maturity I owed her something. Now she wanted me to listen to her complaints of how badly she slept or how my grandfather worked too much or how her children didn’t understand her. Since I couldn’t do anything about her complaints, I left each interaction frustrated and resentful. She scared me in a way I couldn’t and didn’t want to understand. I felt an uneasy resonance with her, a sonar that picked up on cues that predicted a shift in her mood.

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I Haven’t Changed At All

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