The Sheila Variations

"showin' they respect"

You just have to read this post. A public school teacher in The Bronx (read the tagline of his blog - hahahahaha) describes the week where he showed To Kill a Mockingbird to his class.

I'm in tears! So so funny, but it just GETS ya at the end. I am HOWLING about how openly bored his students were with The Pearl -

“Mista! ‘Da Pearl’ again? Pearl, pearl, pearl. All the day ‘The Pearl.’ I go the bed at night I see ‘Pearl.’ Morning again, ‘Pearl.’”

“Indira, I uhhh…” I tried to interject, but she was on a roll, and I…

“Mista. When your wife wanna go out… Dinner? Movie? Da Club? Naw… you say ‘Da Pearl?’”

Ouch.

hahahaha

Anyway - AWESOME post. sniff, sniff ...

via Kimberly Swygert

Word cloud

I created that. Pretty cool. If you're a blogger, you can go here and create your own if you feel like it.

Got this from Mental Multivitamin.

The ABCs of Sheila

From Lisa!!

[a is for age:]

We won't start out well if that's your first question. MYOB!

[b is for booze of choice:]

I like margaritas. But in general - my booze of choice is scotch and soda.

[c is for career:]

Renaissance girl.

[d is for your dog's name:]

I have ... no dog ... (rip at shirt like Laurence Olivier in The Jazz Singer)

[e is for essential items you use everyday:]

Oil of Olay regenerist night cream. Can't live without it. It's like a mini face-lift. Amazing. Also my Eucerin Q-10 anti-wrinkle cream that I use in the morning. I've been a loyal fan of that product for years. I hope they never discontinue it. Also - my plastic barrettes. I wear a plastic barrette every day.

[f is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]

"The Wizard and I" from Wicked

I am also having a big ol' Avril Lavigne moment and falling in love with Sk8er Boi all over again.

[g is for favorite games:]

Trivial Pursuit. Pictionary.

[h is for hometown:]

Let's just say that Washington slept there.

[i is for instruments you play:]

Piano.

[j is for jam or jelly you like:]

The only time I like jelly is when I buy a strawberry-jelly donut from Dunkin Donuts, which is about once a decade. I love that jelly. But I never use it on my own. Blech.

[k is for kids:]

I have ... no kids ... (rip at shirt like Laurence Olivier in The Jazz Singer)

[l is for last kiss:]

He was Irish. That is all I will say.

[m is for most admired trait:]

Hmmm. I'm loyal. I'm smart. I'm funny. You'll have to ask my friends what they must admire about me. It might be my freckes, I have no idea.

[n is for name of your crush:]

Patrick. (To my friends: no, not THAT Patrick!)

Oh, and also that random guy in Soldier's Girl who was a soldier and wore a cowboy hat and had a chunky body that I loved. Whoever THAT guy is ... is my crush.

[o is for overnight hospital stays:]

Never.

[p is for phobias:]

"s". "t". These qualify as PHOBIAS. Which is different than plain old fear, or not liking something.

[q is for quotes you like:]

How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

-- Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice

"Make voyages. Attempt them. That's all there is."
- Tennessee Williams in Camino Real

""It is not that important to know who you are. It is important to know what you do, and then do it like Hercules."
-- Stella Adler

"Develop interest in life as you see it, in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."
- Henry Miller

"Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters."
- Indigo Girls

[r is for biggest regret:]

Bah. I have a ton of regrets.

[s is for sweets of your choice:]

I guess, if I had to say, I would say Reese's Peanut Butter cups. I just don't have a sweet tooth.

[t is for time you wake up:]

6:00 am

[u is for underwear:]

I LOVE the new underwear the Gap has right now and have bought a gazillion pairs. Cotton, wonderfully made ... I like the ones that are almost like boy's underwear. I have a couple pairs of those. So comfy and also very very cute-looking.

[v is for vegetables you love:]

Broccoli. Red peppers. Purple onion.

[w is for worst habit:]

Nail biting.

[x is for x-rays you've had:]

Uhm - at the dentist.

[y is for yummy food you make:]

I very much enjoy how I place the strawberries on my Grape Nuts cereal. It is terrifically yummy. I made it myself. Hmmm. No, I make a good chicken and vegetables smorgasbord, involving garlic, and balsamic vinegar and a lot of improvisation. It is a staple in my small household of one.

[z is for zodiac sign:]

Sagittarian

Grizzly Man continued

The theme of the past week has been Grizzly Man. Check out Chai-rista's review ... she has a very interesting psychological theory with what was going on with Treadwell. It has to do with aging. I think she's onto something. Fascinating, as ever.

The Medici popes

This morning, I was up early. Rain against my window. Coffee brewing. And reading Innocents Abroad - literally SNORTING with laughter. Especially when Mark Twain just went OFF on the Medicis. He just goes OFF on them for about 3 pages, and ... it's just feckin' hilarious. He was like PISSED at the Medicis. He started to mess with the tour guides - who were showing this or that Medici corpse - with an air of reverence that Twain couldn't stand. He would say, in a tone of horrified uncertainty, as he stared down at the blackened skull of some Medici pope: "Is ... is he dead?" hahahaha He KEPT doing this, on every tour across Italy. He was so sick of the Medicis that he reFUSED to be in awe of them. "Is ... is he dead?" Just to see the befuddled expression on the guide's face.

Mark Twain, come to think of it, has the same response to the Medicis that Cashel did - my dad scrolling through the television, stopped for 2.3 seconds on the History channel - a brief picture flashed on the screen of some be-ruffed velvet-hatted Renaissance dude - Cashel saw that one picture, and rolled his eyes in boredom, saying, "The Medici popes."

hahahaha Cashel is OVER "the Medici popes" - Mark Twain seems filled with righteous anger about them.

It's a great book. A rollickingly wonderful read. It's a really good book that can make you laugh out loud at 6:45 in the morning.

Little green men ...

I love when CW does UFO posts. I love all his posts - but I particularly enjoy his UFO posts. Here's his latest. I have no idea what's true or not - but let's just say that I choose to believe that there is life on other planets - mainly because it PLEASES me to do so. Anyhoo - fun post by CW.

The Books: "The Collapse of Communism" (NY Times)

And here is my next excerpt of the day from my library.

I have now finished with the first bookshelf - in my kitchen - and have decided to now do excerpts from the books in my History/Biography bookshelf. I'm scared! But I will press on.

The first 3 shelves of this particular bookcase is my "history" section. As will become apparent - it is mainly the history of totalitarian regimes around the globe.

First book on this shelf is a favorite of mine called The Collapse of Communism - and it's a compilation of every article on the events in Eastern Europe, Central Asia, Russia and China (well - all over, actually) - from The New York Times - from winter 1988 to Summer 1991. We leap around - and because we read the actual articles, and not just a retrospective report on it - we feel like we are once again right in the middle of events. Things were happening almost too quickly for anyone to grasp.

It's a great resource, this book. I reference it all the time. They include, of course, enormous pieces of reportage - front-page articles - but then the editors also include the smaller human interest stories - which really give you a sense of the individuals involved.

It's hard to even choose an excerpt - the book is huge with so much in it ... reportage from all over the world - But I just flipped through and picked out one excerpt - it gives you a real sense of the immediacy of the whole book. It's from an article written on August 23, 1991. It's by Henry Kamm, and he writes from Tallinn, Estonia.

From The Collapse of Communism, by New York Times correspondents round the world - edited by Bernard Gwertzman

The Icons Topple

Tallinn, Estonia, Aug. 23 - From late afternoon well into the evening, the people of this capital city did something they said they had never done -- they flocked to Communist Party headquarters; then they stood there and laughed.

They stood in a large arc that constantly renewed itself as men, women and children came and went and stared and pointed at an empty marble pedestal. Until early today, a larger-than-life bronze statue of Lenin had stood there in the familiar rhetorical pose, opposite the entrance to the modern headquarters building.

A crew came this morning and carried out a Government decision to remove the statue in the aftermath of the failure of the coup by doctrinaire Communists against the Government of President Mikhail S. Gorbachev.

"It was done with respect," said Aino Siiak, a retired economist, her voice full of sarcasm. "A crane came; they put a chain around his neck and took the great philosopher away."

While in Lithuania and Latvia, the two other Baltic republics, the Communist Party was virtually outlawed today, Estonians expressed their sentiments through a symbolic act.

"Estonians do things slowly," Mrs. Siiak said. "We have no temperament." The way in which she and many others at the scene gave vent to long-suppressed emotion suggested otherwise. Voices trembled and faces quivered as Estonians recalled their sentiments through the tumultuous days that began with the ouster of Mr. Gorbachev on Monday.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 23

-- Bren and Cash and I came back to Bren's place, absolutely wiped OUT. Actually, Bren and I were the ones who were wiped out. Cashel promptly had to go into a room, lock the door, and re-enact ... movie scenes or something ... This is such recognizable behavior to me. Needing alone time. Fantasy time. I never could just get off the school bus and go running off with my friends. I always needed half an hour at home, decompressing, etc. If you're a cerebral imaginative little kid - then it takes a lot of RESTRAINT to hold all that stuff in check during school hours. It's exhausting. So anyway. Cashel just went NUTS in the other room. The explosions! The laser blasts! The random Jedi commands!

-- I was very entertained by Bren's two roommates. Bren is moving into his own place this week - so I'm glad I got to meet these two gentlemen. I've only heard of them ... but man. They're just both so so nice. Warmed my heart. They just opened their house to me. Both actors, both with a gazillion stories to tell.

-- We sat around and talked about the Inside the Actors Studio show - I regaled them with stories. They regaled me with stories. We DISHED on all of our celebrity encounters. Up close and personal. Half of the stories I am not allowed to tell. Jim started to tell me one, and he suddenly stopped himself and said, "I just realized I'm talking to the press." (hahahaha meaning - my silly blog) Then he said, "Is this OTB?" Off the blog. hahahaha We KEPT saying this over the rest of the night. "Now you're sure this is OTB?"

-- It was great. I really enjoyed the both of them. Really fun. I had heard so much about them, they're basically members of our family - through Mike, through Bren ... they're a big group of working actors out there, and have been friends for years - so it was wonderful meeting them. OTB.

-- It was heartcracking to me to drive off (Larry gave me a ride home) - with Cashel standing in the garage with Bren - waving at our car - and I can hear his little voice shouting, "BYE, AUNTIE SHEILA." I'm in tears right now.

-- The only thing that would have made the whole thing even more perfect would have been if Jean and Siobhan had been out there with us. We missed them both.

-- Alex and I spent our last evening together watching Dark Heart Iron Hand - one of our favorite shows on television. We continuously called it the wrong title. "Dark Head. Iron Glove." "Dark Hand. Iron Weed." Etc.

-- And yesterday morning I left. I drove off into the morning to get myself to the airport. Alex and I had kind of a melancholy parting. I mean, a big hug and everything ... but ... I miss her already. Ouch. I came home last night and wondered where the hell Alex was! We settled right into a great vibe with each other ... It was one of the nicest vacations I've ever had (even that first crazy day!!) But I drove off, waving to Alex, seeing her waving hand out the car window ... and tears started streaming down my face as I catapulted onto the damn 101.

-- I cannot even explain how insane it was ... the 405 ... I just have no words ... and I just stuck to my guns and followed the signs to the airport. I changed lanes. This continues to amaze me. I followed the damn signs. I ignored my instincts. I just followed the signs.

-- The airport was LUNACY. I made my flight with only minutes to spare.

-- Lauren Hutton was sitting in first class. She's just as beautiful and COOL-looking in person as I imagined her to be. Tousled hair, no makeup, showing her age ... but great body ... and wearing huge red and yellow running sneakers. I just love her. Friendly face, too.

-- Hey, Lauren! Whassup???

-- Oh, and Jimmy Connors was on my flight as well.

-- I read Innocents Abroad all the way home. I had a strange hurt in my heart. It was hard to say goodbye to Cashel and Bren, and it hurt to say goodbye to Alex.

-- The weather here has been unseasonably warm. Really no different from LA except wetter. It was rainy when I got off the plane. A rainy dark New York night.

-- It is good to get back to my apartment. To all my things. My bed.

-- I want to buy a Swiffer. I have been using an old-fashioned mop and bucket for years. But through Alex I have learned the error of my ways.

-- Weird: I didn't see the Pacific Ocean once during this trip! I also didn't see Window Boy. He lives out there. Haven't seen him in a couple of years and I thought it would be fun to track him down ... but it didn't end up happening.

-- I have no idea what I'm writing. I miss LA. I miss Alex. I miss Bren and Cash. I miss looking up and seeing mountains - especially at night - the mountains dotted with lights, lights sparkling out into the dark ... Heartcrack. HEARTCRACK. I miss my sisters.

-- A wonderful vacation. I have needed it. True relaxation. True love surrounding me. Not enough time with the cousins ... but that'll also have to wait for next time. I got my eye on Mike and Lisa's guest house.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 22

-- Bren and Cash came and picked me up at Alex's so we could head over to Universal Studios together. It was a bright warm morning. Cashel sat in the back seat, reading a book called Ghosts and Ghoulies. Within 2 seconds of me getting in the car, Cashel began to pontificate on the difference between REGULAR ghosts and POLTERGEISTS. "Poltergeists stay in the house ... and they are tricksters." Cashel said.

-- The studio was like a circus. Throngs of tourists, amazing sights to be seen ... everything artificial and fabulous. Cashel held onto my hand - we were afraid of losing his shortness in the crowd. He wasn't wacky about this, but he submitted peacefully.

-- First, we did the tour. Which was so so fun. Bren, Cash and I sat in the front seat of the little van - Cash sat on the edge. He had done this before, so he was letting me know what would happen. Our guide was wonderful - and I loved glancing down at Cashel and seeing his little face staring up at the guide, listening, laughing, and sometimes his jaw would drop in amazement at this or that little known fact. We saw fake New York streets, we saw fake Parisian streets, we saw fake Western streets - and the doors of the saloons and buildings in the Western streets were often strangely SMALL - they seemed made for Munchkins. This is because the directors wanted to make the star of the movie - the cowboy star - seem taller, bigger, outsized. He dwarfed the doors of the town he was trying to protect! We saw the city hall where many a movie has been filmed ... Our guide showed a ton of clips, where we could see the city hall in all its different guises. We drove through sound stages - we experienced an earthquake while in a San Francisco subway station - which was pretty spectacular. An enormous truck crashed down from the highway above us. A subway car careened at us and then split in half. Cashel was AGOG. Hell, CASHEL was agog? I was agog! We drove through a nighttime New York scene ... and suddenly we were going over a bridge - and there was King Kong, red eyes blazing, shaking the bridge back and forth. Cashel was clinging to me. Uhm, Cashel was clinging to me? I was clinging to Cashel!! We drove by the little Cape Cod town seen in Jaws - and suddenly - floating by us in the water - was the massive shark seen in the film. His name is Bruce. He was named after Spielberg's lawyer. We saw a flash flood. We saw a rainfall created. We drove through one of the sets for The Mummy. We also drove by an enormous plane crash - used in War of the Worlds. That was pretty freaky, I have to say. It was so huge - the plane was in 3 pieces - and it was a scene of total and utter destruction. Carnage. The wreckage still smoking. It's amazing because it LOOKED chaotic - but you know that every single piece of debris was carefully placed.

-- The tour was great. The whole day was great. Cashel kept wanting to talk about it, and kept finding ways to bring it up again. 8 hours later, Cashel was still saying to me, "So Auntie Sheila, what was the most BORING part of the day for you?" "What ws your FAVORITE part of the day?" "What was your LEAST favorite part of the day?" We covered our experience from every possible angle, just in order to KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT. DO NOT LET THE EXPERIENCE DIE. KEEP IT ALIVE.

-- After the tour, we did many many cool things, and saw many many cool sites.

-- Well first, we went to lunch in a huge Western type corral place. There were two wandering cowboy troubadours who went from table to table and took requests. One said to us boastfully, "We know every song ever written. Ask us to play one." The other said boastfully, "We haven't been stumped yet!" I requested "Peace, Love and Understanding" - Elvis Costello. They played it. They said, "Ask us to play any Stones song. Try to make it obscure." Brendan said, "Parachute Man." They played it. Then Cashel made a request. "Could you play Holiday, by Green Day?" And whaddya know ... they didn't know that song. They were stumped!! One of the guys was so funny, he said, "Awesome. Stumped by an 8 year old!" He said his musical tastes stopped in the late 70s and that he was now sinking into the La Brea tar pits of music. hahahahaha Go, Cashel!!

-- After lunch we moved on. We saw: Shrek 4-D - an amaizng interactive experience - we had to wear 3-D glasses, our chairs went this way and that, water sprayed down on us at certain points - there was also a HORRIFYING moment when an "s" suddenly dangled RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ... and then it attacked - and the chairs were somehow rigged with small wires - so that it seemed as though you were being bitch-slapped by a giant "s". I literally screamed at the top of my lungs. Well, many people did. I was not alone. But Cashel, sitting next to me, wearing his huge bug-eyed green 3-D glasses, literally shook with laughter because of Auntie Sheila's nervous breakdown.

-- Then we went on the virtual reality Back to the Future car ride. It was AWESOME. You feel as though the car is plummeting through space. It was so so fun.

-- Then we went to see Terminator 3-D which, sorry, was reeeeeeeeaaaaallllllly dumb. Cashel said later, "It was kind of boring. Like - the whole thing had no point." Exactly. A discerning boy, that Cashel.

-- We saw Spongebob go skipping by at one point surrounded by bodyguards. Cashel's entire posture changed when he saw him. He became as alert as a mountain lion. That's Spongebob! Then off Cashel went, running to keep up with him. So he could talk to him. It was so funny - Cashel wearing his little hooded Red Sox sweatshirt, his cool wide-wale corduroys - running like a maniac through the crowds chasing after this enormous waving bright yellow sponge. We got our pictures taken with Spongebob.

-- Oh, at one point, Cashel was blithering on and on about the day, and how wonderful it was, how cool the tour was, how great the experience was - and he said the word "minimal". "Even if you just do ONE thing ... even if you just do the MINIMAL ... you're going to have a great time." I love it when he says stuff like that. Bren and I just glance at him over his little head, exchange a look, and then say to him, "You're right Cash. Even doing the minimal amount of stuff ... it's a great tour."

-- As we drove off, we discussed our favorite parts of the tour. Which became an ongoing theme for the rest of the day. We had to KEEP going over it. "I think my favorite part was when we toured the studio. Although Shrek 4-D was pretty cool, too." Etc. We all agreed that Terminator 3-D was a huge letdown.

-- The sun was now getting low in the sky. We were headed back to Bren's ... and they took me to one of their favorite spots. We drove up Mulholland Drive, a maniacal road, with death staring you in the face on one side as the cliff plunges straight down with nary a guard rail to protect you. But the view ... the view ... You just get an eyefull, you really do. It is beyond spectacular. You just can't get that kind of perspective on the city in and around New York. But here - 10 minutes out of the city - are the HOllywood Hills - covered in trails, leading to the tippity top - and you can get to the crests and see all around, 360 degrees. We went to Runyon Canyon Park - and hiked up to the top. We were now at sunset time. The smog, of course, does the most UNBELIEVABLE things to the sunset. It was a wash of brilliant colors - bringing out the hills in stark outline - the palm trees sketched against the gold and pink and purple in black silhouette. Cashel was a good little hiker. We got to the top - a dizzying moment. I had a bit of vertigo. Again, it's just a dirt platform at the top of the hill - with no fence or rail to keep you from plummeting to your death. But the view! There was the Hollywood sign - reflecting the sunset - Oh man. It all just took my breath away. I was so so glad we did that. Cashel climbing up the dirt path, talking to himself, occasional laser blasts emanating from his area ... he knows how to occupy his mind during a boring hike.

-- Then ... we headed back down the hill and went off to rent Back to the Future - which Cashel, amazingly, had never seen. Very exciting.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 21

-- Alex and I headed out into the day to go meet Emily. We had our directions. I spoke with Emily. We ended up being TWO HOURS LATE. We hit major traffic. But it was so exciting - I don't know - Alex and Emily have been bantering back and forth on my blog and on Alex's blog so it was so cool for them to finally meet each other. I love meeting blog-friends. Patrick: NEXT TIME I come out here I will meet you! Just too crazy this time. I just couldn't take time out of my busy schedule trying to infiltrate a major cult to have lunch with you ... NEXT TIME!! Okay?

-- Strangely enough, as we neared Emily's office where we were picking her up - Alex realized that we were driving through the town where she was born. We were literally blocks away from her birthplace - so strange!

-- And Emily kind of brilliantly covers our experiences. We sat in the food court of Hollywood Park (a massive casino) and IMMEDIATELY began to RANT AND RAVE about the couch-jumping cult-wads. We just WENT there. See, with people who do not share my obsession, I do try to keep it under control ... because when you start to shout about Xenu and stuff like that, people slowly edge away from you, quietly dialing 911. They are terrified. Also, if I'm talking to people who don't know as much as I do ("You don't know the history of $cient0m0gy ... I do. You're glib.") then I can tend to dominate the conversation. But with two other obsessives? Who know not only just as much as I do, but more? It was sheer heaven. We inhaled our food and talked like MANIACS. It was hysterical. We got right down to business. No "so where did you grow up?" and "so when did you start blogging?" None of the niceties were needed here. We leapt straight to Xenu. IT WAS AWESOME.

-- Then, very very exciting, we drove to see the Western Surplus store (now a T-shirt warehouse) where the Manson family had a shoot-out with the police. It was thrilling. There is still a sign, now blacked out, that said Western Surplus. We literally parked the car on the street, and sat there, engine idling, staring up at it. We are lunatics.

-- The segue from COS to the Manson Family was seamless. One cult to another. It all makes sense.

-- We drove by Emily's high school where the Beach Boys also went to high school. Alex went to make a turn into the driveway and Emily said from the backseat, "No - you can't go in there. You have to be fingerprinted by the state of California to go on any property." "Oh, Jesus," Alex said and merged back out onto the street. Later, Alex did a U-Turn - this was after we dropped off Emily - and Alex had to go into a driveway, briefly, to complete the turn. "Have you been fingerprinted?" I asked her. "Because otherwise ... I think you are FUCKED right now."

-- Emily took us by the house where she grew up - it's really an adorable little town by the way. These peaceful cute little stone houses with small yards ... It was amazing. We were driving through Emily's hometown! She told us about a guy who used to drive around the neighborhoods and call over high-school-age girls to the window for directions, and then be there, jerking off ferociously. "We called him Dildo," Emily informed us calmly.

-- We howled with laughter about the fact that when I develop my photos from this trip - there will be no PEOPLE in them - just pictures of the Hubman Life Exhibit Building and the damn Literacy Scam across the street. Like: WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????

-- After driving around for a bit, we dropped Emily off at her place - it had been an awesome afternoon. So good to see Emily, as always. One of the best things about blogging has been meeting and befriending people like Emily. As my father says, "That Emily. She's fantastic. So tough. So funny." Yup, Dad! I agree!!

-- There was one moment over our lunch in the casino when all three of us were talking at once - and we were literally almost YELLING about Hubman and his minions - everyone talking at the same time, emphatically, fiercely. At one point, Alex said, "My goal in life is to get one of them to admit to me the truth about Xenu." There was a long long pause and then Emily said, kind of cracking up, "Okay. That's kind of weird." hahahahahahaha It was SO FUN!!!

-- Alex and I then drove home, just all lit up with our afternoon with our friend from blogging. It was great.

-- We then watched one of the most enraging and STUPEFYING documentary ever created (meaning: it was great) called The Weather Underground. Oh. My. God. We were out of our minds with rage afterwards. We had a GREAT conversation about "people like that" ... just sputtering and shouting ... We got so worked up that we had to go out for pizza. The Weather Underground is obviously what the two main characters - Judd Hirsch and Christine Lahti - are involved in - or something like it - in the wonderful movie Running on Empty. These "revolutionaries" ... There was one guy who had been a member of the Students for a Democratic Society - who then watched as The Weathermen basically hijacked their group. The Weathermen were interested in violent confrontation ("bring the war home" or some such bullshit) ... and SDS was more about peaceful protests, a la Martin Luther King. But anyway, this guy was amazing - he said something like, "These people are now adopting the philosophy of Hitler, Stalin, Mao ... they are in that continuum." Yup. Yup. It was a FANTASTIC documentary but it truly made the two of us crazy.

-- Or I should say "craziER".

-- Wonderful day.

-- Today? I'm going on a tour of one of the studios with Brendan and Cashel!! Whoo-hoo!!

More fun news

-- I will be performing my one-person show 74 Facts and One Lie at a fundraising benefit for a theatre company in March. I submitted the script for their consideration - they had asked me if I had anything to perform and that is definitely something I have ... and they want me to do it! It's a good thing. I can't wait. It's been a while since I've done that piece for people - and I gotta say: it's a damn BLAST. Tee hee. Excitement!

Things experienced so far in LA - part 20

-- Family is so important to me. It's everything. I drove off yesterday afternoon to go to my cousin Mike's house. There was going to be a big gathering. My cousin Kerry is in town for pilot season - my brother Brendan is here - and actually, my uncle Tom is in town for a job as well - although we didn't get to see him. But it was going to be a big O'Malley confab. I haven't yet met Mike's two kids although I have seen many pictures - and I haven't seen his wife in a couple of years. Maybe Kerry's wedding was the last time - which is way too long to go without seeing family members!!!

-- When I arrived, Mike was away - visiting "the witches" - meaning his acupuncturists. He calls them "the witches". Everyone in the house was napping - but Kerry and Mike's assistant and good friend John (who is well known to me - just because every O'Malley except me has met him - he's terrific) were there to let me in, show me around. It's a gorgeous house - so peaceful, and beautiful. It's not brand spanking new - it has old wooden beams, it has a kitchen full of awesome little nooks and crannies ... Mike's office was so wonderful that I nearly cried when I saw it. A wall lined with books. I scanned them. Arthur Miller, Philip Roth, John Irving, a ton of entertainment biographies ... but just a WALL of books. The backyard is beautiful with these two MASSIVE palm trees shooting up into the sky. The trunks are so wide that four people standing with their arms outstretched around still probably couldn't touch hands. There was a quiet little blue pool. A cozy peaceful little guest house.

-- Kerry and I sat in the nook in the kitchen and talked. The light was low and warm in the sky.

-- Eventually, we could hear the stirring sounds of children waking up from naps. And then I got to meet the kids! Uhm ... the cute little fat hands, the staggering diaper-ass walk ... the random smiles ... It was so wonderful to see them. They gave me odd looks, like: "Uhm ... who is this person?" and then they were fine. It was so good to see Lisa. She's such a beamingly beautiful woman. So warm, so nice.

-- Mike came back from the witches. He immediately started giving me books from a box he was going to donate somewhere. Two of the books on Ovitz - which I really have wanted - the whole Ovitz journey in Los Angeles has always FASCINATED me. I remember when he "returned" to Hollywood and opened up his own talent agency - this was last year, I think? And there was a piece in Vanity Fair that literally had quotes from people that were like: "The devil himself has returned to La La Land." "Beelzebub is BACK!" Anyway, there were a ton of great books, and Mike - with his normal generous spirit - was like: "TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT."

-- My brother came over for a bit. He lives a 3 minute walk away. He was going to a friend's one-person show that night and was going to meet us at the band afterwards.

-- At one point, we all went into the living room to watch the Oprah show where she interrogated James Frey. Mike kept pausing it so we could discuss it. James Frey took his beating like a man. The whole thing was FASCINATING and there were many disagreements, and arguments. Oprah playing to the audience ... when she discovered Lily hadn't hung herself ... she was clearly upset - turned away - the audience made a sound of horror - and then Oprah "acted" the next moment - when she nodded, and tried to accept that the book was a lie. Mike KEPT rewinding it and then playing it in SLO-MO so we could see how calculated Oprah was, how the audience pushed her to respond. Etc. And yes, there was certainly a feeling of blood-lust in that room. She stacked the deck against him. Mike and I both read that book so we knew what she was talking about when she talked about the horror of the dentist scene ... I ended up feeling bad for James Frey, which is amazing to me because I called bull shit on that guy TWO YEARS AGO. But I was, I have to say, very impressed with how he just went through that gauntlet. He said he "made a mistake" ... he didn't say he "lied". The whole thing is VERY interesting and VERY interesting to talk about. What is truth? What responsibility do publishers have? Memoirs are, by their very nature, what someone REMEMBERS - and memory is a very sketchy thing. Was Angela's Ashes LITERALLY true? No. He is recounting his memories as a small boy. Anyhoo - the whole thing is FASCINATING. It's polarizing, indeed ... Everyone has an opinion. I think it's all kind of fantastic. I can see both sides, I really can. Mike KEPT pausing the thing. To show me how I was wrong. "Sheila ... watch this part ... watch ... watch ...." Oprah slowed down to a crawl, her eyes moving this way and that ... it was hilarious. I love Oprah - the whole thing was just so damn INTERESTING. I'm not really defending James Frey, by the way ... the fact that he turned a 2 hour jail sentence into 87 days is just ridiculous - but the dude's an addict and he wanted to seem tougher than he was. Just the mere fact that he kicked alcohol and drugs wasn't interesting enough to him - he HAD to make shit up to make him seem tougher. He as much as admitted this. Oprah was relentless - you could see how LIVID she was. I actually love Oprah, and love her show ... but to me she looked just as fallible as James Frey did in that spot. She was trying to salvage her reputation, which took a blow in this past week. And what the heck was Frank Rich doing there? It was so funny - he went off on reality TV and Jessica Simpson and how that's not "reality" - it was just a stupid diatribe - and Oprah was like, "Uhm ... yeah. So what do you think about James Frey?" Like: "don't use my show for your own op-ed column. Stay on topic." She looked fantastic, by the way. Her suit was GORGEOUS. Kerry commented on her total and utter lack of nasal labial folds. Her makeup artist is a genius. Her hair also looked really nice. As you can see, there was MUCH to discuss.

-- Pizzas were ordered. Wine was drunk. People began arriving. To go, in an entourage, to the "rock concert". It was great fun. I just love being with my cousins. There's something so comfortable about all of it.

-- And then ... we were OFF! Driving in a caravan to the club.

-- I talked to my uncle Tom on Mike's phone on the way. He's out here right now. I don't know ... it was cool. Too bad I won't get to see him. But it was good to hear his voice.

-- The club was really cool. Spacious, dark, with random dark booths, and candles ... a big space. Opening acts playing. We were there to see Marah - a band from Philly that my cousin Mike adores and follows. Kerry, Lisa and I sat over in one of the booths and chatted - caught up with each other. Brendan arrived. He joined us. Mike was the grand master ceremonial leader of events. Getting everyone drinks, coming over to say to Kerry and I: "Okay, when the band starts - you guys are NOT allowed to sit over here." "We won't! We promise!"

-- The band was just fuckin' AWESOME. Brendan and I stood together for a while - there was a huge crowd - all just rockin' OUT - and Bren said, (he's seen them before): "It's like their shows are a total release for them - at all times." It's true. They just GO there. They behave like proper rock stars. (Another great observation from my brother) The two lead guys are brothers. They were great. The SOUND. It was so fun. Great songs, great atmosphere - everyone knows all the words - It was great - looking around and seeing Mike and Lisa together, Kerry over there, Larry over there, Brendan in front of me ... you know. The community of friends out here, all together for this one thing. It was great - haven't been to a club in a while for live music, and it was a blast. They did three encores.

-- Thanks, Mike ... for the ticket ... and for your extraordinary organizing abilities. The witches should be proud.

-- I drove home with ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES WHATSOEVER. I didn't make one wrong turn. I didn't ever have to backtrack. I went from Mike's house to Alex's house scotfree. This is a major breakthrough.

-- And today? Alex and I are going to meet up with Emily. WE CAN'T WAIT.

-- Oh, and in other big news ... my post about the Hubman museum got linked on Cult News - one of my favorite sites ever. It is a proud proud moment.

This just in

My cousin Kerry will be singing the National Anthem at a Red Sox game in feckin' Fenway Park on July 13th. I just ... have ... no ... words .... The culmination of a lifetime of being a Red Sox fan and also a singer. She's a Red Sox fan at an almost autistic level. This is so dern exciting. Go, Kerry!!!

Things experienced so far in LA - part 19

-- After our time trapped in the maze of Hubman's cult ... we came back home and got ready to go to Alex's class. Very exciting!! To see Alex in action, teaching acting.

-- We had some time to kill so we drove up and down the Sunset strip, which was really fun ... and then we were off to her class.

-- Alex teaches Viewpoints (created by Anne Bogart) through the Steppenwolf acting program out here. She explained the Viewpoints to me beforehand so I would understand the activities of the class - it was really REALLY interesting. Alex told me that learning Viewpoints transformed her own acting - so I was excited to see how it all worked. She had given them homework - to watch either Capote or Sunset Boulevard - and to look for different "viewpoints" in these movies and to discuss how they worked, how they were effective, etc.

-- I met her students - all so sweet and young. The class began with a discussion of the movies they had seen. Their observations were extraordinary. How certain gestures can let you know everything you NEED to know about a character. How the architecture in Sunset Boulevard told half of the story for the audience. One kid noticed how, in the first scene, when the creditors show up at William Holden's apartment - they hand Holden a business card. And Holden, under his lines of dialogue, folds the business card up about 20 times, until it is no bigger than a spitball. A fascinating and very illuminating gesture - so so specific - it tells SO MUCH about the character, where he's at, what his state of mind is, his attitude ... And it's all done just with a GESTURE - no words. Acting is three-dimensional. Or should be. It was so great. I sat in the back and just soaked it all up. It was a great discussion. Alex is a marvelous teacher.

-- They worked on all of these different viewpoints - as a group - a lot of it seems to do with expanding your consciousness so you are aware of what is going on around you without having to LOOK. You are aware of what the person beside you is doing without having to look directly at them. This is how we live in real life - and yet, onstage, so often - actors forget how to do that. They have no peripheral awareness - or some accident will happen (a mirror falls off a wall over to the left - and the actor doesn't acknowledge it - when, in real life, you would just calmly walk over and fix the mirror, etc.) There were moments during some of the exercises, the group exercises, when the class literally seemed to become one organism. They were all picking up on each other's signals, completely communicating on an invisible peripheral 3-dimensional level. I love actors. Their commitment, their fearlessness - There was one moment when all of them - scattered over the stage - not facing each other - 15 individuals - and - as one - they each put their right hands over their hearts ... silently - with no signals (at least visible) passing between them. They were just in sync. They became one being. A beautiful beautiful silent moment of connection. It was great to witness it.

-- Alex was amazing - her commitment to her students is breathtaking. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of drive - to keep things going, to keep them on track, to reassure them, to push them ... to keep them in the game - and she is right there with them at every step of the way. These kids LOVE her. You can tell. They love love LOVE her.

-- Right before the class broke up, Alex had me come up on stage and tell my Liza Minelli story. She had warned me that she would do so. She wanted me to tell the story first of all because it is A GREAT STORY, but second of all - because it is so physical. It depends on the physical imitations - the wild gyrations of Liza's stick legs comin' down the aisle - the lolling head - the floppy waving hand - the ethereal voice: "Run that by me one more time?" Etc. Alex said, "I'm pimpin' you out. Be warned." It was great - they kind of ran out of time and were going into their scene study class - but one of the students said, as though they were 7 years old, "Can't we hear the Liza story, though?" hahahaha So sweet. So I got up - where the heck am I right now?? - and acted out the entire thing. I love sharing that story. One of the students afterwards said, "I can't believe that. A cracked-out Liza Minelli with bed head teaching a master class." Yup. Spread the story!!! At one point, one girl said, "This is making me really sad." hahahaha I said, "This is not a nice story! I know! My dear friend - who is a hippie girl with a huge open heart - started weeping when she saw Liza staggering toward us. It's horrible!"

-- We said goodbye to these sweet students - on their way to scene study - and drove home, just PUMPED with excitement. I loved watching Alex teach. It was just fantastic. Her students worked their asses off - they face their fears - they throw themselves into every activity - despite their fear of looking foolish or making a mistake - and it was just gorgeous to watch.

-- And today? I'm heading over to my cousin's house. To hang out wiht my cousin and his wife and their two kids ... and then we're all going out to a club to see "a rock group play a concert" - to quote one of my Diary Fridays. I'm psyched. Lots of O'Malleys all under one roof? Look out!!!

Things experienced so far in LA - part 18

-- Two big things happened yesterday. Alex and I went to the L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition (oh. my. God.) and I also went and sat in on Alex's acting class. It was so funny - Alex told Chrisanne our plans for the day and Chrisanne said, "Jesus - can't you guys go to the Getty Museum??"

-- To get to the "Life Exhibition", Alex drove me through Laurel Canyon. It is so so beautiful, I couldn't stop gaping out my windows at all of these specTACular houses clinging to the sides of the damn cliff. I mean, those people are living on borrowed time! But they sure have beautiful views while they get to live there! The WEALTH and the BEAUTY was beyond belief. These are gorgeous gorgeous homes. The road twists, turns - and the cliff careens off to your right, down into the canyon ... so you get these views across the canyons - greenery, and palm trees, and banana trees - with these gorgeous MANSIONS scattered throughout. At one point I said, "I wonder how kids up here get to school." And literally, in the next second, a yellow school bus came staggering up the hill in the opposite lane. "Oh, so that's how kids up here get to school." The driveways are on steep treacherous inclines and let you out RIGHT onto the street - treachery. But still - so so beautiful.

-- We get to Hollywood Boulevard - it's not as much of a SCENE as it was the first day we went there, because it is in the middle of a work day. There was still a random Darth Vader wandering around, there was still a Spongebob hanging out ... but without the crowds clustered around. Which makes them look even more surreal.

-- And then there it was ... glimmering on the left side of the road - a big golden-hued building - with an ENORMOUS sign jutting up out of the roof: CHURCH OF $CIENTOMOGY. We gasped as though we had spotted a movie star. "There it is! There it is! Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Calm down. Calm down."

-- We parked. We ate at a pizza joint across the street. We watched the activity across the way. We were on a stakeout. There was a woman standing at the front door, watching the people as they walked by. Sometimes she stopped them to talk to them (ahem - recruit). There were security guards at the other doors. Nobody was going in. Nobody was coming out. It was the Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory Life Exhibition. There were three very pretty girls sitting on a bench in front of the front door - eating sandwiches. For some reason, they looked very out of place. I wondered if they were plants. Told to sit there to draw the people in. Nothing is impossible. Alex finally said, "I literally cannot wait another minute. Let's go in."

-- Oh, I forgot to say. Next to the pizza place was a joint called the Hollywood Literacy Project or something like that - and I happen to know that that is one of the cult's many front groups. This is one of the main things that Cruise evangelizes about - because apparently he cured his dyslexia and found that he was able to read after going through this program. He found himself SO adept at reading that he was able to research "the history of psychiatry" in a matter of years. Don't be glib, mkay? L. Ron Hubman came up with a way to teach people how to learn ... and this is one of the ways that the cult infiltrates communities. You would have no way of knowing that this literacy program had anything to do with COS - if you go to their website, they do not mention the affiliation. So this group goes into schools, goes into communities ... sets up shop ... but what it really is is a recruitment arm of the cult. Alex and I peeked through the windows. It was a big open space, with tables and chairs ... people working out of workbooks ... It looks completely benign. But evil and SCAM wafted out of that place.

-- So then we walked across the street. I said, "So Alex - where are you going to be from?" We had discussed using accents. She said, "I haven't decided yet." All righty then. We are going to fly by the seats of our pants. Make shit up as we go.

-- We walked up to the woman at the front door - she was very friendly. "Hi!" "Hi there!" "Would you be interested in taking a tour?" "Yes! Very much!" All very friendly and nice. We enter the lobby, an echoey impressive marble space. She tells us she will be with us in a minute, and she gives us two fliers to look at while we wait. We don't really get to that because there is SO MUCH ELSE to look at. On one wall, there was a massive bust of good ol' Ron - beaming out at us like an insane cherub. Behind the bust - there was a wall where water ran down it - and then collected in a pool beneath the bust. It was so elaborate. So deified. Creeeepy. There was a lit-up wall with testimonials from people about this great great man. Travolta, Cruise, Anne Archer - you really really get the sense at how celebrities are used. For their brand-name (or nambrainz) recognition. It was literally like being in a church. "He is the greatest man who ever lived." "There is nothing that this man did not accomplish. He is a prophet." "It is truly incredible the discoveries he made ..." and on and on and on.

-- One quick thing: from the moment that Alex and I stepped into the exhibition, we kind of stopped dealing with each other. We HAD to. We did not look at each other, we did not glance at each other and roll our eyes, we did not mutter snarky comments ... it was too dangerous. While we were there - we were TOTALLY into it ... and we did not look at each other. I think I made eye contact with Alex once during the entire tour.

-- Then our woman came back to us and told us that the tour was about to begin. She had a very thick Spanish accent, so we referred to her, later, as Salma Hayek. We had our own personal tour. There was nobody else on the premises. Which is so damn creepy if you think about it. The exhibition is so elaborate - you would not BELIEVE it - and ... it's all just sitting there, in that building, waiting for stooges to stroll through. It's so bizarre. She takes us through these two huge white doors, closes them behind us - and there we were in the exhibition. The entire thing was very controlled. We were not allowed to browse or wander about on our own ... There were little walkways that we had to stick to - almost like a corral for cows - we had to stay between the bars ... We could definitely ask questions (and oh, did we ever ask questions) - but the tour was like a runaway train, and our guide was the conductor. There would be no loitering. It had a very set path that we had to follow.

-- Our guide was so knowledgeable. Of course, it's all BULLSHIT, but this chick had it DOWN. She was about 22, 23. Very pretty. Very sweet. She took us to the first part of the exhibit. There was Ron's Eagle Scout medal UNDER GLASS. That blew me away. They treat his Eagle Scout medal and his Boy Scout badges as though they are relics rescued from the Dead Sea. I'm serious. It's extraordinary. They literally think this guy is God. She goes through her schpeel - He was the youngest Eagle Scout EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET. He got THE MOST BOY SCOUT BADGES EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE BOY SCOUTS. Then the lights went down, and the screen above the exhibit lit up and we watched a small movie about Ron's childhood. There was one point when the screen showed the deep blackness of space, with stars glimmering - and suddenly, superimposed on that, was a glowing huge head of L. Ron - with a kind of halo shimmering around the shape of his head. This was the moment when I decided, for real: "I absolutely must not look at Alex. She is DEAD to me right now." I so wanted to turn to her and murmur, "Oh my God." But I couldn't. We needed to stay calm. Did you know that Ron went through the blood-brother ritual with the Blackfoot Indians AT AGE ELEVEN? Unbelievable.

-- That part ended and we moved on. I said something like, "It's so amazing that he did so much." Or some such jagoff remark.

-- Then we heard about his days as a seafarer. He went EVERYWHERE, y'all! His trips - all added up - means that he went around THE ENTIRE WORLD TEN TIMES! Oh my God, I just need to fall over dead in amazement. (That was the tone of all of this. How amazing he was, how extraordinary, how unbelievable, how nobody IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET has ever lived a fuller life ... It was so transparent ... so bullshit ... but they can't see it. Of course they can't. But still - it was amazing to be confronted with that.) He went around the world. Apparently he is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to ever be sad about poverty. He is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to wonder about the human condition. He is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to study other cultures. He basically met some Japanese magician, he cavorted with the primitive people of Borneo, he hung out in China ... and through all of this ... he began to realize that ... nobody had ever actually studied mankind, and how man operates. (Oh really? Nobody, Ron? NOBODY??) But again. I maintained my credulity. I didn't roll my eyes once. I listened, openly, and with rapt attention.

-- Then we moved on to the next part of the exhibit (the whole thing was like a maze) - which was the beginning of his career as a "writer". There was an old-fashioned newsstand standing there - with a huge mannequin who looked completely real - the guy who ran the newsstand apparently. He had on a little cap, a striped vest, and he was smoking a cigar. He was creepily real. I thought he was an actor, for a second. Some poor drone of the cult - told to stand totally still for the entire day in the bowels of the Life Exhibit. But no - it was a dummy. The newsstand was filled with his books - all covered in plastic - again, as though they were precious relics rescued from a cave in the deepest mountains of Tibet. Did you know that he typed 94 WORDS A MINUTE?????????? HAS ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET EVER TYPED FASTER? I wanted to say to her, "I actually type 96 words a minute" - which is true - but I decided not to bust her bubble. The entire house of cards would have fallen down if she had found out that 94 wpm is fast ... but it's not like ... MIRACLE fast. If he had typed 130 wpm or something like that, then maybe I would have given the props. Anyhoo. Onward. We have a LOT to cover. Right this way.

-- Next we came to the section about his life in Hollywood as a writer of 1930s serials. Alex said to me later, "They made it seem like he was literally responsible for Gone with the Wind or something." They really did. There was a big set of a box office over in the corner - and we had to sit in chairs in front of it - and then a small curtain went back, and there was a screen - and we watched a short film about Ron's TRIUMPHS IN HOLLYWOOD. We saw footage from the screenplays - we saw his typewriter - we saw photos of Ron hard at work ... Then there were shots of massive 1930s movie premiers - with huge floodlights swooping up into the sky. I swear. Nobody has EVER been more successful in Hollywood than this wack-job. I swear. John Ford? BAH HUMBUG. Billy Wilder? NAH! George Cukor? LOSER! NONE of them accomplished what L Ron did.

-- After that, we move into the sci-fi realm. Did you know that L. Ron was literally the creator of modern-day science fiction? Before L. Ron came along, sci-fi was all about robots and machines. But he revolutionized the genre by introducing HUMAN BEINGS into the mix. Wow. Really? Noooo, you're kidding me! Nobody EVER put a human being into a sci-fi story before him? REALLY???? "The style of science fiction writing today is exactly in the form that he introduced." informs our guide. "Wow," Alex and I reply accordingly.

-- Then we came to one of the surrealest parts of the tour. We walk over to a small set - which is a spaceship. There are two huge mannequin guys - dressed up in Star Trek-ish costumes - they sit in swivel chairs - and they are facing a huge screen - as though they are at the controls of a space ship. Our guide tells us about one of Ron's greatest achievements - a 10 volume sci-fi book called Mission Earth. The entire manuscript is there before us - under glass. It contains 10 MILLION WORDS. She kept saying that. As though the CONTENT of the book is irrelevant. It is the AMOUNT OF WORDS that is truly amazing. And then - good God in heaven - the mannequins came to life - and enacted a scene from Mission Earth. First a light would go on one of them - his chair would swivel a bit - and then a voice boomed out - supposed to be his voice. "But Captain Voltar - we are careening through the deepest of space - how will we capture the City of Ragtor?" Then the light came up on Voltar - and his chair swiveled a bit - and HE would speak. "We must accomplish our mission. If we do not, all will be lost." Or whatever. The scene went on for an unforgivable amount of time. And there stood Alex and I. Frozen in our spots. Watching this INSANITY unfold. Again, I could not look at Alex, or even deal with her. She was a silent watching presence beside me. We were riveted. But not for the reason that our guide hoped. We were frozen in terror - because it's SCARY when you see something completely and utterly insane.

-- After the re-enactment (BY STOREFRONT DUMMIES DRESSED UP IN SCI-FI COSTUMES) - we then move on to the next section of the exhibit ... which is Ron's "discover" of Dianetics. Oh my gosh. This is so exciting.

-- There was a small gallery of BULLSHIT oil paintings ... which showed different parts of Ron's life ... and how he started to put together the pieces, and how he started to "study" the mind. These paintings, people ... Alex said to me later, "Someone DID those paintings!" The image of some dude, standing at an easel, painting Ron in the jungles of the Philippines, or studying in his room ... was so crazy that I couldn't even be with the image for more than 5 seconds at a time. Our guide ZIPPED us through that gallery, man. She didn't give us a moment to think, or stop, or linger. "And here is Ron talking to a wise man in Japan ..." "And here is Ron in the VA Hospital ... he had lost his sight and the use of his legs ... he realized that the patients all around him were not getting better ... he wondered why ..." (Uhm - because schrapnel is embedded in their spleens? How 'bout THAT for an answer?) "And here is Ron with the people in the Philippines ..." He spoke five languages. NOBODY IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET HAS EVER SPOKEN MORE LANGUAGES THAN THIS GREAT GREAT MAN. The gallery was the lead-up to the talk about Dianetics. She asked us, "Have you heard of Dianetics?" Alex said something like, "That's a book, isn't it?" "Yes. But it is really a philosophy." "Oh." Alex said. Then - with a tone of revelation, "Wait a minute - HE was the one who discovered Dianetics?" As though she hadn't known what she was getting into. Alex, you're an asshole. I stared straight ahead, firmly, sternly, not looking at her.

-- Then we were in the Dianetics room. It was a small room, with a couple of folding chairs, a big TV, and every single edition of the book since it was first published. It was dizzying. The books lined the walls. The repetition of images was very effective - or WOULD have been if I hadn't known what the hell was going on. I know about brainwashing. I know how important repetition is to dull the brain. The first edition of Dianetics was a hard cover - there were no volcanoes on it - nothing - it was a black paper cover - with a white band across it - and in that white band were the words, in black - DIANETICS.

-- Oh man. I so so so wanted to ask the chick about Xenu. But I knew I couldn't. I would have been shuffled out of there so quick.

-- We watched the most ridiculous video ever created - about what Dianetics is. There were re-enactments of things - to show how the "reactive mind" works - which is such BULLSHIT ... but there they were ... pretending that Ron really discovered the way the mind works, and stores images ... which then cause you problems later. Those damn engrams. One of the re-enactments - having to do with someone being hit in the head by a baseball ... and how this causes problems in his later life - was laughable. There is absolutely no evidence that this is how the brain works. It is total and utter crap. I wonder what about it is so compelling, though. Like - it seems to make everything so boring and so literal. But ... that's not how the brain works. grrrrrr. The video was absolutely maddening and also utterly fascinating at the same time. This has to be one of the most successful scams in human history. When this organization falls - and it will fall - people will look back on it like: "Wow, man. How on earth did that take such a deep hold?" Fascinating.

-- When the video stopped, Alex and I asked a TON of questions. That was really fun. "So ... if you have asthma ... it's because of ... something that happened in your past?" You know ... all that stuff. You aren't ever REALLY sick. It's just your reactive mind acting out. But we asked questions in a credulous way - as though we really wanted to figure out how this stuff works. We didn't ask them in a cynical way. She was extremely forthcoming - answered all of our questions, yadda yadda.

-- Then we went up the stairs to another part of the exhibit. There seemed to be nobody else in this building. Nobody else was taking the tour. It was just Alex and myself. Oh, and I forgot to tell this part. When we were at the beginning of the tour - way back in the sea-captain part of the tour - we could still hear what was going on out in the lobby - which had been silent - but suddenly, someone from off the street obviously burst through the front doors and started hollering: "JESUS SAVES. JESUS IS GOD. JESUS SAVES. JESUS IS THE LORD." At the top of his lungs. It was quite a commotion. The guy must have been ushered off the premises - and I'm telling you - our guide never stopped talking. She commanded us to keep our focus on her (all silently, non-verbally) - she never even looked over her shoulder, she never said, "Huh - wonder what's up out there?" It was as though it wasn't happening. This was no tour. This was a recruitment attempt.

-- So anyway. After the Dianetics lecture, we went upstairs to the Scientology exhibit. I said, astounded, "Wait a second ... he discovered Dianetics BEFORE Scientology? Is that the timeline?" She nodded - I went on: "Okay, so I'm understanding now. He made all of these discoveries about the human mind ... and that's Dianetics - and then he decided to share his knowledge and that's Scientology." Our guide was VERY proud of my deductive reasoning skills.

-- The Scientology exhibit was so over-the-top deified that I felt terrified. For about 2 seconds and then I got into it. There was a whole wall of materials - his 5,000 lectures. Did you know he gave 5000 lectures? Nobody else IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET has ever given more lectures!! Did this man ever rest?????????? There were a gazillion booklets - she pulled a couple out to show us the tenets therein ... Here is, in plain view, the bread and butter of the cult. The people in the cult are hooked in ... maybe they take a stress test on the street ... and then ... you have to take classes - for each class, there is a booklet. You have to pay for each booklet. You finish that class, then you have to take an advanced class. That class has its own booklet. And so on and so on. The shelves and shelves of booklets (which, basically, should be titled: LESSONS FOR LIVING YOUR LIFE - IF YOU ARE A TOTAL MORON) stood there glimmering, and silent. How to Like Your Job. How to Communicate Effectively. Etc. Our guide pulled some of the booklets out to show us how it all worked. There was one REALLY scary enormous lecture tape standing in the display - and it was called CLEARING CONGRESS. You know ... these people want to 'clear' the planet of those pesky engrams.

-- This was the section of the tour where she flat out told us that it was a religion. "It is a religion." We said not a word. "He discovered that man is a spiritual being. He is a spirit. We call that Thetan. The words 'soul' and 'spirit' are not as accurate as Thetan." Okay, Salma, if you say so.

-- We then moved on to the e-meter room. There was a big glassed-in space-age podium type structure - with an e-meter under glass. When we approached the podum - it lit up into blue neon. I mean, honestly. These people are not messing around. She explained how the e-meter worked - and then we both had a shot at the e-meter. I stood beside Alex as she held those damn metal cans ... and I thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn't have a big huge belly-laugh and SOON. Alex was told to think of something that stressed her out and I am telling you - her needle went OFF THE CHARTS. Alex is so full of engrams that it is amazing she is able to get through her day. But later Alex said to me, so excited, "I have figured out how to manipulate the e-meter. This is so exciting. I HAVE MASTERED THE E-METER." I can barely write that sentence without laughing. Basically - if you just THINK about something - the needle will not move - but if you tense yourself up PHYSICALLY - the e-meter will register this as "stress" and off goes the needle. It's like isometrics. If you do a little isometric work as you are attached to the e-meter, then you should see some real engram-activity. I literally do not know who I have become right now.

-- Then we walked past an enormous display of e-meters throughout history. We saw the first e-meter. I nearly wept. Then we saw them progress ... we saw them get sleeker and more streamlined ... Genius.

-- We walked down the stairs to go on to the next part of the tour and Alex said, "Are you a Scientologist?" She said, "Oh yes." "And how long have you been into it?" "I started when I was 8." "8 years old? Are you from here?" "I am from Venezuela - my parents are Scientologists, all my brothers and sisters are Scientologists ..." I suddenly felt very very very sad. I wanted to arrest her parents. I mean, the girl seemed fine - she was friendly, sweet ... but man. 8 years old.

-- Then we got into the next section which was about Ron's discoveries about impurities - we learned about the "purification rundown". Which is what NYC is up in arms about right now - because of the 9/11 firemen, and Mr. Tom Cruise racing onto the scene 2 days after the tragedy to set up "purification rundown" tents ... which are still in existence. Anyhoo, I put my judgment out of my mind - just so I could LISTEN to her tell us about it. We all have impurities in our skin. If we take aspirin, if we ingest chemicals of any kind ... it is stored up in our bodies. In order to get rid of that shite, you must take saunas and take "vitamins". As we know, by "vitamins" they mean "niacin" - which is highly toxic - and which is why Katie Holmes was walking around with black blotches on her face merely a week after meeting Tom Cruise. Because he said, "I love you" and within an hour I bet she was in a sauna, popping Niacin like a druggie. No way would Cruise allow anyone into his life who wasn't "purified". Our guide told us that when she was a kid she had had surgery of some kind - and of course she had had anesthesia for that. When she did her first purification rundown, her entire arm went numb. "Because that was the anesthesia coming out of me." In her mind, that was her body getting rid of that old old anesthesia. Uhm - how 'bout DON'T SIT IN A SAUNA FOR FIVE HOURS? She had a friend who used to dye her hair red. And when she did her first purification rundown ... afterwards, she came out to dry her hair off - and all of this RED STUFF CAME OFF ON THE TOWEL. Oh man. These people. Hard to believe. Alex said, "So ... you guys don't believe in medication of any kind? What if you have cancer?" "If you have cancer, then of course ... you have to take the treatment ... " I so so so wanted to say, "What about Zoloft? How do you guys feel about antidepressants?" But I didn't. I WANTED to say it in a really innocent way, as though I had no idea that I was walking into a snakepit, but I didn't trust myself. Interesting, too: not ONCE in the tour did she reference the policy in the cult towards psychiatry. Not ONCE. I found her silence on that very very interesting.

-- Then we learned about Ron's teaching technology (on display in the literacy project building across the street). If you misunderstand ONE WORD in a sentence ... then you cannot learn. This is the policy. If you don't know what ONE WORD means then the entire sentence structure is lost on you. Now this is not true. And if you really think about it ... it's a way to actually SLOW DOWN the brain and CONTROL it. Because an agile brain will come across a misunderstood or unfamiliar word and think: "Hm. Let me look that up." OR - you can GUESS the meaning because of the CONTEXT of the sentence. This is normal. But no no no no no no, we can't have that! Because then that means you must think for yourself! Every single word you read, you have to do a check-in with yourself. "Do I understand that word? Yes. Okay. Next word. Do I understand that word? Yes. Okay. Next word." See how MEANING would then be lost if you broke up sentences like that?? But I kept my mouth shut. I listened, agog.

-- She asked us where we were from and what we did. Alex, "I'm a CPA." Me, "I'm a teacher."

-- Then came the grand finale. We were again sat down in chairs facing a big movie screen. The lights went down. And we were treated to an over-the-top terrifying movie about THE NUMBER ONE CHALLENGE FACING HUMANS TODAY - and that is drug use. Really? The number one? I would say it is definitely a challenge ... but number one? How 'bout war? How 'bout disease? How 'bout ... poverty? NOPE. It's DRUGS. The lettering was jagged and red up on the screen - it felt like one of those films they show you in high school to scare the crap out of you. They showed a junkie sitting in his crappy apartment - shooting up - and they had a close-up of the damn needle going into his diseased arm. It was nasty. I couldn't look. I promise, Ron, I will never do heroin. YOU CONVINCED ME, RON. Oh, and Kirstie Alley showed up in the film - to rave about the drug program put together by the cult - It's called Narc0n0n. It's another one of the front groups. There were raving testimonials from people about how they got off drugs, and they got off drugs without having to be on other drugs. Etc.

-- The very last moment in the tour is something that defies description. I wish I could do it justice. We get to this HUGE space - one entire wall is covered by a curtain. It's got to be 20 feet high. Just to give you an idea of the scope. Our guide tells us about how "decorated" Ron was - and how many awards and plaques and honorary blah blah blah he received - and then - as if on silent command - the curtain flows back - and there is an ENORMOUS two-paneled wall of framed degrees and shiny plaques. Before we get a chance to really inspect them, those two panels move off to the side - revealing ANOTHER two panels covered in plaques - Before we can inspect those, they move off to the side - revealing ANOTHER two panels covered in plaques - and this went on for 6 panels. These panels are 20 feet high and they are literally COVERED in plaques - but we were not given enough of a chance to really look at them. Alex moved in closer to get a better look - I saw a glimpse of a couple of them that were totally bullshit. It's not like Honorary Degree from Harvard ... it's like - a tiny town in New Mexico thanked him for his community service - or whatever. I saw one (before it disappeared) from the mayor of New Orleans declaring such and such a day L Ron Hubman day. There was a giant glittery blue plaque from Venezuela - which makes me wonder. Just because of our guide, etc. Does it have a real foothold in that country? Oh, and I forgot to say - as this panel-moving display was going on - music started playing. Over-the-top symphonic music - You could just imagine members of the cult watching this display and being overcome by tears. At how great he was. That was the desired effect. For us, it was way more creepy ... because ... well. Here's the deal. If any of you ever decide to go to this exhibit - know that the last thing on the program is the "revealing of the plaques" and I suggest that you move as close to the panels as you possibly can and READ the fine print. The whole thing LOOKS impressive - like, day-um, I don't have that many plaques - but if you move in close, you'll see how stupid it all is. And the MUSIC. The swelling violins, etc. The last two panels finish pulling back to reveal a GIANT painting of Mr. Hubman. GIANT.

-- Literally. The greatest man who has ever lived.

-- We then emerge out into the lobby (still empty - the Jesus freak being shuffled off to a gated cult-facility somehwere) - There's a small display of books and pamphlets. For sale. Of course. (But the tour was free, by the way. We paid nothing for the experience.) But it wasn't a normal bookstore where there was a cashier and you could browse. If we bought a book, we would have to buy it through Salma Hayek. She showed us all the books - we could buy this one, or that one, we could buy this one or that one, and here's the booklet I showed you before, and here's the other booklet, and here's this and here's that and here's this and here's that ... We browsed for a respectable amount of time and then we said, "No thanks - but thank you SO MUCH for the tour!" And she let us go. She was sweet, she did not put the hard sell on us AT ALL ... and we were allowed to go. Unscathed.

-- We walked in silence for half a block. Trying to process it. And then we both began speaking at each other a mile a minute.

-- We talked about it the whole way home. We're still talking about it. We will never recover from what we saw ... especially the two sci-fi talking mannequins at the controls of the space ship. That in and of itself has become an engram that I will need to get rid of.

I must share this

I must share Betty. Alex and I have watched every one of her videos. We still can't believe it. We CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

Here she is. I highly suggest the Scientology video -- but ALL of them are spectacular entertainment. Beyond description.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 17

-- I had a hell of a time getting home. The 101 is North and South - and yet it actually goes east - west .... it's kind of like 128 in Boston. But I got so twisted up and so confused that eventually I didn't even know my own name. I literally had NO IDEA what I was doing. I kept seeing exits I had already seen - but I didn't know which way I should be going. East? North? WTF??? I kept exiting the freeway, turning around, going a couple of exits, and then realizing: I don't think this is right. I have learned an important lesson: STOP trusting your instincts, Sheila. Just follow the damn directions and IGNORE your instincts. I finally gave up. I pulled into a Mobil station and asked a lovely Indian man (yet again - he was lovely and friendly and helpful) for directions. He didn't want to open the door for me, and waved his hands at me: "WE'RE CLOSED!" I shouted through the glass, "I'M LOST!!" He read my lips, then nodded understandingly and came to help me. He gave me brief blunt and extremely accurate directions - I was not far from where I needed to be. I confessed my inadequacy right to his face, "I am so twisted up on these freeways that I literally don't even know my name right now." But he untwisted the freeways for me and I was on my way home.

-- Or so I thought.

-- I got back on the freeway going the right way. Then I saw the exit I needed to take. I have a whole analysis of what is wrong with the signs on the freeway here. I miss Route 95 and the signage therein. I don't mean to criticize ... but it seems that the signs on 95 literally treat you, the drivers, like RETARDS. They warn you miles ahead of time when something is going to happen - and then they continuously remind you ... the signs are like: "93 North is coming up in 3 miles." "93 North is coming up in 2 3/4 miles." "93 Norht is coming up in 1 1/2 miles." "GET READY. GET READY TO EXIT. IT'S COMING UP." They ASSUME that we are all IDIOTS and we need constant reminders in enormous letters. The letters on the freeway signs here are not iridescent like they are on 95 - at least not AS iridescent - you really actually have to READ them ... as opposed to being passively ASSAULTED by them. And many times they do not give you a lot of warning. Or - you'll only get one warning and then BOOM - from out the darkness - there's the exit.

-- Which is what happened.

-- My thought process: "Oh awesome ... here comes the exit! Thank you, kind Indian man!" And then - "OH SHIT ... THAT WAS MY EXIT ..." as I careened by at the speed of light. Like I said: drivers who don't know where they're going are retarded and need constant validation and reinforcement. Oh, and here's the other thing: Once you DO make a choice ... on 95 it is immediately validated whether it is right or wrong. You THINK you're getting off on Route 1. You make the exit. Within 30 yards on that road, you get a sign: ROUTE 20 NORTH. You know IMMEDIATELY you have made an error. This does not seem to be the case here. You make an exit THINKING you are hot shit and doing the right thing, and then you drive 30 miles until you get a validating sign. hahaha I am getting used to it now ... (after 5 days) ... I don't look for outside validation. I just try to follow the dern directions.

-- I got off at the next exit - and I recognized the street name as one being near Alex's. Of course I had no idea WHERE on that street I would be ... but at least I recognized it. At one point, I called Alex and told her the situation ... and eventually I saw something I recognized and voila - I was on my way home. Whoo-hoo!

-- Every time I drive on those freeways and I return home safely, I have a moment where I say: "Sheila. You are so ... FECKIN' AWESOME."

Things experienced so far in LA - part 16

-- Yesterday was awesome. In the late afternoon, I started off down to Santa Monica to see Maria and Cashel and Brendan. I was going to get to see Cashel's room! His house! Where he lives ... This is what I miss. Seeing him in casual everyday moments.

-- I had to take the 405. By the time I hit the 405, it was dark ... and there was, miraculously, almost no traffic on it. And I have to say - it was kind of exhilarating. There were moments, when coming over hills, and seeing the glittering city below, that I felt like I was flying. It was so so beautiful. Kinda stressful, sure, I mean I don't drive on freeways regularly in my normal life ... but this was fun. I was able to change lanes if I needed to - I went 65, 70 ... I felt comfortable there and nobody was on my ass tormenting me and harassing me and making me feel like I was about to die in a fiery mesh. I blasted the radio. It was wonderful. Just wonderful. I was on my way to see Cashel!! I haven't seen Maria either since this summer ... so I was just really excited.

-- The directions were superb. No wrong turns. (The way home was another story).

-- I got out of the car. The night was almost cold. I loved the feel of the air. It was a dark shadowy peaceful neighborhood - with beautiful little vine-covered houses lining the street. Vine-covered houses, yes ... but most of them had that kind of early mission-style architecture ... just so adorable. I was walking back to find Maria's house ... and I crossed over one street - kind of wider than the others - and it's lined with palm trees - up and down the street - way way up into the darkness - Just the kind of image that makes me just stop and stare up. How beautiful. The palm trees give the entire place such a whimsical air ... I love them. Like, I'm not "over" them yet. I still just get the giggles when I see a palm tree. But this one street was just beautiful - no cars coming either way, the streets dark and peaceful - with the palm trees quivering high high overhead.

-- And then there I was - in Maria's living room. I was so happy!!!! Cashel sat at the table, doing his homework. Very grumpy. You know. Homework's tough when you're 8. Bren was there. Maria gave me the grand tour. Her place is adorable. She was hanging curtains in her room. Billowy white curtains with blue and green flowers on it - very sunshiny and homey. Maria said, "I can offer you ... some water ... some orange juice ... or some sherry." hahahaha We decided to go out to dinner to a new place that Maria was excited about.

-- And off we went. Cashel chattered up a storm, naturally, the entire way there. Oh, and I got to see the letter Cashel got from George Lucas' secretary which is now framed on his wall. So cute!!! Cashel must have written a letter to LucasFilm - he asked a question about the upcoming Star Wars TV series ... in 2007 ... and the letter that came back was so adorable. "Dear Cashel: Thank you so much for writing to us and thank you so much for being a great fan ..." (That's hilarious. LIke they're lacking for fans! But still - so sweet!!!) Then the secretary went forward to talk about "George's" new projects. So that was very exciting. I think Cashel was proud of it.

-- There was a 20 minute wait for a table, so we decided to go over and see Cashel's school which was nearby. This, for me, was almost the most exciting part of the trip so far. To see Cashel's school! The place where he spends the majority of his time! I was so excited. It was night - but we were able to wander around the playground. It was so so fun.

-- Bren, Cash and I had a race around the track. Cash has turned into a good runner. He used to be so cautious physically that he would go up and down stairs slowly, putting both feet on each step at the same time. But now? There he was, charging off into the cool night ... and when he could feel us gaining on him ... he picked up the speed. It was like the O'Malley version of Chariots of Fire.

-- Cashel is really "cool", you know ... but I could tell he was excited to show me stuff. He was also really excited to be there AT NIGHT. He kept saying, "Watch this ... we aren't allowed to do this during the daytime ..." and he ran up a random set of stairs. He was thrilled to do things that "we aren't allowed to do during the daytime." He stood on top of a picnic table, and did a little tap dance. "We aren't allowed to do this during the day time!" He was HYSTERICAL with laughter. Literally falling all over himself with laughter as he got off the picnic table. What a thrill. He got to show me his room. I don't know ... I got a little choked up. Imagining Cashel, my little Cashel, in school, doing his thing, getting his education ... Man. It's amazing!

-- Cashel's school is really beautiful. White and blue stucco, murals everywhere ... I got a very good vibe from it. I'm really happy for the little guy.

-- We went back to the place, which is called BABALU - I thought of you, Val!! - and yet again: I was so impressed by the calm and kind customer service. This is just my impression, so it could be wrong: but it seems that the only time when people from LA are categorically ASSHOLES is when they drive. Other than that? Everyone is nice, friendly, helpful, mellow ... it is SUCH a delight. Like our waitress was this adorable girl who helped Maria figure out what Cashel would want to have to drink. "We have lemonade ... we have a sort of organic ginger ale ... but ... you know ... kids are always like: Organic? What??" It was very cute. So Cashel got some lemonade. Anyway: I just want to say to the people of LA, especially all of you who are in some kind of service-oriented job: GO, YOU. To say that this is NOT the case in New York City is an understatement. However, I have stated my theory on all of that before: It is not that Manhattan-ites are rude. It is that we are ON TOP of each other and we are all OBSESSED with manners. We have to be FIERCE about our boundaries because we cannot get away from each other. People from LA can get the hell away from each other, because they have to get in their cars, and drive around ... and so their public personas, when they bump up against humanity, seems to be universally friendly and helpful. It's really refreshing.

-- Cashel told us about his idea for a movie. It is called The Egg Heist and it is about a colony of ants who get tired of their queen and decide to start a new colony - so they have to steal all the eggs in their existing colony and transport them to a new location to start anew. I ask, "What's wrong with the queen?" Cashel shrugged and says casually, "She's a tyrant." I see. He starts to tell us the individual scenes - the ants go to pick disguises before the heist - and much hilarity ensues. One poor ant is obviously not the brightest bulb so he picks out an ant costume!! Cashel said, shaking with laughter, "So he still looks just like himself!!" The heist itself is a mastermind of technology. The ants have human-size duffel bags that they have to haul into the egg chamber ... Cashel found this image supremely amusing. Tiny ants with massive duffel bags. I think it could be a hit, actually. The Egg Heist. Coming in 2010.

-- Cashel made a joke. Instead of saying "barroom brawl", wouldn't it be funny if school kids called their fights "lunchroom brawls"?

-- He explained the intricacies of his relationships. How he is going to tell his two friends how to deal with the school bully. "I am going to stand up for my friends ... but I will not fight. I am just going to tell them to IGNORE him." Maria validated this choice. Oh, how complex it is to be a child. Isn't it?? So amazing.

-- The food was delicious. Cashel enjoyed his chicken kebobs. Which is a miracle in and of itself.

-- We headed back to the house. Cashel was now launching into telling us about the play they were working on for school - a play for Ancestor Day. When they all learn about their ancestors and act stuff out. Maria said, "So Cash - will you be Finn McCool?" I said, "Or Cuchalain?" Cashel said, "No. I'm a Greek immigrant named George." What? hahahahaha Cashel kept fantasizing about adding a scene to the play where George immediately stabs himself with a pencil upon getting off the boat at Ellis Island. "Hi! My name is George! I'm from Greece! My family came through Ellis Island." STABBED WITH A PENCIL. Many fake deaths occurred on the sidewalk on the way home. Cashel staggering around, moaning, and then collapsing into laughter. Poor George, the immigrant from Greece. He obviously has some emotional problems.

-- Once we got home, it was time for Cashel to go to bed. And I got to read to him for a while before bedtime. Which I used to do when he lived in Brooklyn ... so it just made me soo damn happy to lie on the bed with Cash, his little PJd body propped up beside me, reading out loud to him. We read 4 chapters of Treasure Island which Cashel has already read, but - as we all know - you can never read that book enough. I said, "Maybe we'll read 2 chapters, okay?" Cashel insisted, "The chapters are really short, Auntie Sheila. Let's read 4." When I came to the end of the first chapter, Cashel said triumphantly, "See how short that was???" It was fun. We got to the point where Jim Hawkins and his mother take the coins owed to them from the dead captain's sea chest ... and they flee into the "frosty evening" - from the approaching one-legged guy, tap-tapping his stick leg on the walk. Terrifying!! But it was so fun - I wish it wasn't so late, so I could have kept reading.

-- Then ... lights out.

-- Maria and I hung her curtains. They look great. Bren had taken off. Maria and I hung out in her living room, talking ... she starts a new job today ... we talked about the short novel I wrote that she read ... It was interesting - I kind of put that book away in a drawer ... haven't looked at it in over a year ... so talking about it, and trying to hash stuff out, was really really interesting - and I think I need to take that book out and work on it again. Talking about it was really helpful.

-- Then we took out a book of pictures of Cashel as a baby and pored over it. His day of birth. The newborn ... on his birthday ... Halloween ... wrapped up in an orange silk pumpkin costume. The pictures of Cashel as a fat-legged little smiley drooling baby. His face still looks the same ... but he was so little! When the heck did THAT happen? Now he's a movie mogul planning his next project called The Egg Heist ... was he ever that grinning toothless creature?? Amazing!!!!

-- And then ... it was 11:00 pm ... and I started off to go home.

-- Of course I have no idea what my rental car even looks like and I completely LOST it on the street. I walked up and down ... enjoying the cool air, and the palm-tree street ... but I was like ... tiptoing over the grass to peer at license plates ... I was peeking through darkened windows ... My behavior looked EXTREMELY suspicious. But finally I found my car. And off I went into the glittering already-going-to-sleep Los Angeles night.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 15

-- Okay, so back to Monday night's TV watching. Because that is what is REALLY important here.

-- First, we watched the newest and cheesiest and funnest show on television: Skating with Celebrities. I am HOOKED. Here are some of my observations:

-- Todd Bridges, for some unknown and mortifying reason, makes me want to weep. When he fell, I GASPED out loud, knowing they would not move to the next round.

-- Debbie Gibson is an asshole. Oh, excuse me: DebORAH Gibson. Bitch.

-- Dorothy Hamill is so glowing and so gorgeous that it is as though she is lit from within. I mean, she was always so so pretty, but have you seen her now? She is just glowingly beautiful. But she is very soft in terms of her scoring. Alex commented seriously, "Dorothy Hamill wants to be liked."

-- That guy from Full House is a cutie - and I despised that show and everything it represented. But suddenly - watching him skating around with Miss Toothy Whiny Biyotch Nancy Kerrigan - I felt a deep deep eternal love for him blossom in my heart.

-- Scott Hamilton is so cheesy! I mean, I realize that this is not a revelation, but I felt that I had to say it. His little "improvised" moments in between routines are cringingly awful. And what is even more awful - he commits to them fully. He doesn't even know how cheesy he is. My brother has this THING about Scott Hamilton - kinda like his THING about Laura Linney ... He saw him do a routine once where he just acted the CRAP out of it - he skated around in a tux - and somehow - at one point - with a big flourish of music - he ripped the tux off and there he was in a hippie outfit, with peace signs, and a vest, and bell bottoms. The audience, of course, went WILD. Brendan, however, was mortified. Here is how he described it to me: "It's like he is crazy with enthusiasm. He skates and it's like: 'I'm GAY and I have ONE BALL and I'M SCOTT HAMILTON!" Welcome to my brother's humor. I told you this as a set-up for what happened at the end of the show on Monday night. Scott Hamilton said into the camera, after all of the skaters did their thing, "Well ... this has been an incredible incredible show ..." and suddenly, I shouted at the television: "DON'T tell me how to feel, gay-ball!" Now ... I MEANT to say "one-ball" (I know ... I'm awful) but out came "gay-ball" and I am telling you - Alex and I were absolutely gone for about 10 minutes. We KEPT saying it. Her neighbors were treated to a neverending shouted chorus of: "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL, GAY-BALL" from next-door.

-- After Skating with Celebrities we settled down to what we had been waiting for and so excited for: The Lifetime movie starring one of our favorite actresses of all time: Judy Davis. A Little Thing Called Murder. Alex and Mitchell and I basicall think Judy Davis is one of the greatest and most versatile actresses of her generation. We just LOVE her. I remember loving My Brilliant Career but it was really her performance in Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives that clinched it for me. She is just deLICIously good. So we curled up on the couch ... SO EXCITED ... riveted to the television.

-- The first scene was not just good - it was an assault. It's not your basic Lifetime fare. There was a style to it, a camp to it. It did not let up. And Judy Davis was absolutely INSANE. Every moment with her is so rich, so full, so weird - that if it had been a tape, we would have been rewinding it constantly. Nobody but Meryl Streep (and Glenn Close, on occasion) is fearless enough to get as BIG as Judy Davis does. She just launches herself off the cliff - and it's extraordinary. She is an amazing amazing actress.

-- There were so many great scenes. We had a BLAST watching her just GO. The film was funny, psychologically frightening, and it's also just amazing to think that all of this really happened. What a wack-job!

-- Go, Judy Davis. She was terrific.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 14

-- Monday was a laaaaaaaaaazy day.

-- I woke up at the fiery crack of 7 am (very late for me) and made some coffee and blogged. Like a maniac.

-- I read Innocents Abroad. Please - anyone else who has read this book - I need to discuss it!! It is so WONDERFUL. I love his humor. I love his observations. I love the whole thing. There's just nobody like Mark Twain. People have made entire careers out of trying to be like Mark Twain - but they never really succeed. He is a true American original, and I just love him.

-- Alex and I lounged around FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.

-- We watched an hour of I Love Lucy. You kind of haven't lived until you have watched I Love Lucy with Alex. She knows every line of every episode. At one point, they came back from commercial, and within 1.2 seconds Alex said, "Wow. They just cut out a scene." We saw two episodes - the one where Fred's old vaudeville partner comes back into town - and apparently he is still doing vaudeville and has performed for royalty throughout Europe and Ethel and Fred feel embarrassed at their apartment, and their "lack of success" - so they ask Lucy to pretend to be their maid. Hilarity ensues. But then - they RIP YOUR HEART OUT during the dinner scene. Fred and his old vaudeville partner do a couple of numbers - and one was so ... touching ... that tears flooded my eyes. These two old gents, old warhorses in their own profession, sitting at the dinner table, singing "I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad" - they sing it a capella ... they harmonize - and it is filmed simply and honestly - all in one take. With one camera angle. I don't know what it was that touched me so deeply - it was so many things. It just WORKS, first of all, as entertainment. It is a perfect moment ... fully realized. There is nothing wrong with ANY of it. But also ... it makes me sad, sometimes, to think that all the old vaudeville performers - the ones who were THERE - the ones who then made the segue to television and movies - are all dying out. We have lost a great resource. I mean, people come up now through television, and we have a lot of talent working, etc., no doubt about it ... but there was just something ABOUT those performers who came out of vaudeville. There was something about them so trustworthy, so versatile, and so humble. They just showed up, did the job, and moved on. And more often than not, they NAILED it. You need a touching moment? I'm on it. You need me to do a ba-dum-ching laugh line? I'm on it. You need me to create a hilarious piece of physical business that will last for 10 minutes and keep getting funnier and funnier? I'm on it. So to see these two old jowly guys ... singing in harmony ... and the silence of the studio audience ... and then the bursting applause at the end ... I glanced over at Alex and she had tears streaming down her face, so I was glad to know I was not alone.

-- I went grocery shopping. That was my big venture of the day. Other than that, I did not leave the apartment.

-- We watched yet another one of the movies Alex rented - a harrowing documentary called Stevie. Argh. It was awful. I mean, it was a good film but it was extremely painful to watch. The filmmaker is a guy who was a Big Brother to a little troubled kid named Stevie - he loses touch with him - and then goes back to find Stevie and find out what became of him. It is not a good story. And DURING the filming of the movie - Stevie commits a crime ... and the film then becomes about his trial, the appeals, and all of that. The people we meet in the film - they are unforgettable. Stevie's fiance is a retarded woman who ... well, you feel sorry for her, because she is with this horrible person ... but she also, in a strange and limited way, knows what she is doing. She is not an idiot. Alex and I were absolutely blown away by her best friend - a bedridden retarded woman - who ... she was just a philosopher, man. We called her "the bedridden philosopher". She just talked it straight to Stevie's fiance - and sometimes you could barely understand her, because of how she said words, but other times, she was clear as crystal. The whole film was wrenchingly awful, and unrelenting. Stevie was like a dog who had been beaten. The damage was done to him way early and the kid didn't stand a chance. This does not excuse his horrible actions ... but it does explain them a little bit. They go back to find the two people who were his foster parents for about 5 years - the only people who ever loved Stevie, who tried to help him, and who were there for him. These people (especially the wife) just blew our MINDS. There are some people who are just BORN to be foster parents. This couple were people like that. I sure as hell couldn't do it. They were beautiful, and accepting, but also ... tough as nails. You could see the transformation of Stevie in their presence - how he lightened up, and had fun, and relaxed. And you just wonder ... what would have happened if those two hadn't moved ... and had, say, adopted Stevie? Horrible.

-- We shake off the film. And then we get ready for an absolutely extraordinary night of television.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 13

-- Bren says he will be over by 9, probably - so Alex and I pop in one of the other movies she's rented. It is the 2003 TV movie Soldier's Girl which won a shitload of Golden Globes and which was written by a friend of Alex's Calpurnia Addams. It's based on something that happened to her. So we began to watch. It was incredible to watch it with Alex, because she knows Calpurnia and was friends with her when this incident occurred - this tragic incident, I might add. Alex was amazed by the lead actor's performance - well, all of the actors were incredible in the film - but the lead actor - Lee Pace - who played Capurnia - not only did an amazing acting job, but apparently did a kickass imitation of Calpurnia. It was a very moving and terrible story. You could tell what would happen ... that the ending would not be good ... but it still didn't lessen the hope within me that it would NOT turn out badly. This, I believe, is the true mark of a great tragedy. Dating back to durn Oedipus. We watch ... hoping against hope that ... something will happen to avert the tragedy ... that maybe THIS time it will turn out differently, and the characters will make different choices, and the stars will align in their favor ... It is that HOPE within us that makes the tragedy even more potent. People who say Death of a Salesman can't be a true tragedy because Willy Loman doesn't have as far to fall as a, say, Macbeth ... have no idea what they are talking about. We watch Willy ... and we hope, we hope that he can work it out ... that he can give up his ambition, and enjoy life on its own terms ... we hope he can actually appreciate his gifts, his simple everyday gifts ... we hope that THIS time it will work out for Willy. And of course - it doesn't. The ramifications are devastating. Soldier's Girl works on that level.

-- I also fell DEEPLY in lust with one of the soldiers who maybe had 2 lines, but to my eyes he just leapt off the screen at me. I kept talking about him. He always wore a cowboy hat. Even when he was in the background of scenes, he was totally alive. He had that kind of chunky look to his body that I love. Alex was so OVER me and my damn cowboy. "Please, Sheila. Have an affair with a guy like that but I beg of you ... don't marry him." I replied, eyes riveted on the television, "I literally don't hear what you're saying to me right now. That guy is HOT." Etc. And so it went.

-- Alex ended up calling Calpurnia during our viewing of the movie and telling her how proud she was, how amazing the film was and also to say: "Okay ... my friend Sheila wants to know who that one actor is ... he's one of the soldiers ... he always wears a cowboy hat ... he's got sort of a big chunky body ..." Alex turned to me and said, "Calpurnia has no idea who you are talking about." I stated, firmly, "DAMN! I WILL FIND THAT COWBOY. I WILL FIND HIM YET!" Alex rolled her eyes in exhaustion and went back to talking to Calpurnia.

-- So Bren arrived - which kind of amazed me. Here's Bren! Coming over!!

-- Alex made pizza. Or, rather, she popped a frozen pizza in the oven. Go, Alex. And we all sat on the couch and popped in Grizzly Man.

-- Guys. If you haven't seen this film ... then all I can say is: you HAVE to rent it. Tracey covered it very well here. I had read the huge piece in Vanity Fair about Treadwell - so I was really really excited to see this movie that I had heard so much about. It just blew our feckin' SOCKS off. First of all: the footage, mainly shot by Treadwell, is extraordinary. But ... but ... it ends up being this maddening psychological portrait of an absolute loony tunes. You watch him just LOSE it. We discussed the film like crazy afterwards. There's one section where he sits in his tent, filming himself, and he is pissed because there's a drought and the bears are eating their young. He wants it to rain. And he starts shouting up at "GOD ... or ... JESUS-MAN ... or FLOATY BUDDHA ..." (Yes. "floaty") But ... he's insane. He is truly ENRAGED that nature could be so cruel. It's like he missed the memo that most of us got way back when - that nature is unpredictable and the animal world can be cruel and unforgiving. So the next shot - is him sitting in his tent with a clear sound of a downpour going on ... and he is talking to the camera about how he brought the rain. You just have to see it to see how insane he is. He speaks in this high unearthly voice ... it is not his own voice ... when he goes into a rage at the end of the film, screaming into the cameras at the park rangers and poachers - now we suddenly see the Long Island boy he really was - now we hear his REAL voice. But for the most part, he speaks in this high gentle voice which ... is so calculated to make an effect. He thinks that that is how a bear-lover and nature-lover should talk. It is absolutely riveting. I love craziness. I am glad I am not crazy, but I will never stop being fascinated by those who are nuts ... and what makes them nuts ... and what was going ON with Treadwell. He thought he was "protecting" the bears. Uhm ... you're on a national park, dude. They already ARE protected. He also felt that bears were misunderstood. Uhm ... you are the only person who feels that bears aren't really dangerous. There was a great interview with an Inuit curator of a bear museum in Alaska. This guy was amazing. He talked about how his people have lived alongside bears forever ... and they know that there is an invisible boundary between them that must be respected. They stay out of the bears way, and the bears give the humans a wide girth. Treadwell did not respect that boundary. He fucked with Mother Nature. It is a truly fascinating and awful film and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's disturbing, no doubt about it - I can't get it out of my mind.

-- I just want to say that i was so happy - sitting up there on the couch with Alex - with my brother lying on the floor beneath us - head propped up on a pillow - all of us watching this film. I have missed my brother. I have missed hanging out with him.

-- It was a really special night.

-- Oh yeah, and there was some insane windstorm going on - the wind came over the mountains like a ravening beast from the jaws of death - and battered against Alex's window - and shrieked down the corridors of her apartment complex. You could hear the howling and moaning of the wind in the corridors, and all around us. It was pretty wild. I fell asleep that night to the shriek of the wind.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 12

-- Alex and I have never lived together, have never been roommates - and we have actually only been in one another's actual living and breathing presence for maybe 3 weeks ... mkay? And yet we have immediately settled into a comfortable roommate routine. We are almost OVER each other. It's hilarious. Alex lies on the couch and watches TV. I boil a couple of eggs for a snack. Alex makes fun of me. There is a running joke about Wheat Thins. Basically, on Saturday night - after our crazy day - with the brakes dead and the dead body - we sit on the couch, and we talk. We open up. We share our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams. It is a deep conversation. Alex goes to divulge something to me. "You know, Sheila - when my mother died -" I interrupt. "Can I have a Wheat Thin?" This completely stops the conversation - and Alex was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? YES!" We now cannot stop laughing about the Wheat Thin moment and re-enact it, adding embellishments. "You know, when I was gang-banged at a truck stop --" "Can I have a Wheat Thin?"

-- So Alex and I curl up on the couch, we watch television, and we pretty much do not move for the next 4 hours. This is literally why I came to LA.

-- At around 7 pm, Bren calls - and invites himself over. We are so excited. Oh, that's right: while I was hanging out with Bren and Cash, Alex went out and rented 6 DVDs - one of which was Grizzly Man. Bren hasn't seen it either so the three of us are going to watch it. Fun!!! To see my brother twice in one day? What???? Have I died and gone to heaven?

Things experienced so far in LA - part 11

- Sunday was my day to meet up with Bren and Cash. I woke up early and felt unbelievably refreshed. After the mania of the day before. I made some coffee, it was early, and I sat on the couch and read some of Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad which I have never read and which I am absolutely adoring. I am laughing OUT LOUD reading the damn thing. Bren called at 10 ... and I said I would be over in an hour or so. Let's try this driving down the 101 thing again, shall we???

-- Alex emerged from her beauty sleep right before I left. She said, "Lemme tell you something. If any disaster occurs to you today?" Pause. "Don't call me." It's been 2 days now and we are STILL laughing about that first day.

-- And off I go into the sunblasted gorgeous morning. Here I go! Look at me! In my Enterprise car! Careening down the 101!!!!!! Again!!!!! Now, though, I feel like I have had a great trial run with that first debacle of a drive, and nothing can shake me up now. I blast music. I enjoy the scenery. I change lanes. I am AWESOME.

-- 25 minutes after leaving Alex's, I pull up outside Bren's apartment. It is a beautiful neighborhood, peaceful, thick grass lawns, big trees, old buildings. I am about to see Cashel! In his natural habitat!

-- Bren lets me into his apartment. It is cool, big, and beautiful. Bren says to me immediately, "Sheil ... " (and I could see immediately from his face that a game was about to be played) "I'm really sorry, but Cashel was here a while ago and now I have no idea where he is." I say, concerned, "What?? But I really want to see him! Where did he go?" Bren, all sorry and sad, "I don't know ... but I can't find him anywh---" and then Cashel burst out of Brendan's room screaming and jumping up and down. To surprise me. I screamed, accordingly. Cashel was very happy about that. He immediately launched into what he WISHED he would have done - and that had something to do with spiders. The boy loves to taunt me. He said to me, slyly, "Auntie Sheila, have you seen King Kong?" I say, "No." He said, to me, seriously, as though he was some jowly cigar-smoking career advisor, "I really don't think you should see it." "Why, Cash?" "Because ... well ... there's a looooooootta bugs in it." "Oh no. Really?" "Yup. A looooooootta bugs." "Thanks for the warning, Cash. I really don't want to see a lotta bugs."

-- I met Bren's roommate and really good friend Larry - I have heard so much about this man, my parents love him, everyone loves him - so it was SO nice to put a face to the name. What a nice man.

-- Bren and Cash took me up to the roof so I could see. There's an outdoor pool up there. A deck with deck chairs. Tables. And a view like you would not believe. It was so beautiful that my breath caught in my throat. I want to hang out up there with my laptop and my dawn coffee. The palm trees just careen up into the air, above the horizon - giving a strange Dr. Seuss-ish appeal to the landscape - and right there was a huge hill with the HOLLYWOOD sign. The Hollywood sign! It was all just beautiful. Cashel, in his little fleece sweatshirt, and sneakers, kind of strolled around the pool, telling me how the water is heated and how sometimes he swims there. I, as always, struggle with my desire to SQUEEZE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF CASHEL. I have to calm down. He's such a little cutie. I was so happy.

-- We drove to a nearby strip of shops and cafes - and Bren showed me the sights along the way. The apartment complex that was Mae West's after she retired - she would walk around the apartments and collect the rent. Can you imagine if Mae West was your landlord? And then Jack Haley's house - built like a ship. It looks like a ship - an ocean liner of a house - made of a light light green stone. You know what I also love about LA? The architecture. I love the OLD neon - you know? The kind of 50s style neon - big, brash, and retro. I also love the signs up on top of the old hotels - El Royale - or whatever - and these are not neon - but just swirly letters held up into the sky with steel poles. New York just doesn't have signage like that anymore.

-- We stroll the sidewalks. I am so happy to be with my family. I am so happy to see my brother and to be with Cashel. We sit and have lunch. We eat pizza. We overhear a couple next to us having an amazing conversation. Snippets that came to us: (oh, and it was only the girl that spoke. That poor guy) Anyway, here's some of what we overheard: "Anyone who thinks that Jesus had a son has mental problems." "I used to black out all the time in my 20s. I'd have a couple of drinks and then just black out." Bren might remember more. The three of us would be chatting, having a nice time, then there'd be a pause and some random snippet would come to us - stopping Bren and I in our tracks.

-- Back at Bren's place, we watch the films of two plays Bren did this past year in LA. Plays written and directed by Larry. Cashel said, rolling his eyes, "I have seen these so many times." Ah, yes, Cashel, to have your father be an actor ... what a BORE. But of course Cashel kept coming into the room for his favorite parts. He sat on Bren's lap, and I would glance over and see Cashel laughing, his little body shaking like a bowlful of jelly. They were GREAT. Truly funny and original pieces of work. Wonderful actors ... and the SCRIPTS! I love funny people. I love people whose minds work in comedic ways. It was great to see my brother acting again, as well. He's so good.

-- Alex and I were supposed to go horseback riding that night. Some thing where you ride horses and then have dinner at the Sunset Ranch. We literally had no idea what we were doing. We knew nothing. I mentioned to Larry what we were doing, and he knew all about it - said they do it every year - and you ride up the cliff by the Hollywood sign. So ... this will be an up and down journey. This will not be a flat-surface horse ride. I call Alex to tell her what I found out. She has a fear of heights (and it's debilitating - it's like me with "s"s) - and FLIPPED OUT. "I can't do that. No. I would cry and also pee a little bit." "And then you would have to be airlifted off the top of the cliff." "No. I cannot do this. I am so sorry, Sheila ..." "Oh God, no worries. If you said to me, 'Let's go hang out at the Tarantula Museum' I would say - ABSOLUTELY NOT." "Okay. I'm calling Meg." So horseback riding was out!

-- Bren had to take off at 3 ... so we all parted ways. I drove off down Cahuenga - waving goodbye to my brother and my nephew - Cashel's little head silhouetted in the backseat. Heartcrack!!

-- I was home at Alex's in 25 minutes. A miracle.

Things experienced so far in LA - part 10

-- Grizzly Man is out. It's Saturday night and most movies are out. We browse a bit ... but I find that my brain is a bit fried from the day and I can't even begin to make a decision on what else I would want to see. We ask the kid behind the counter if he could check to see if anyone has returned Grizzly Man. I am only mentioning this tidbit because, yet again, he was enormously helpful - once again, a customer-service person who went out of his way to try to get us what we want. At one point, he was on his hands and knees - literally INSIDE the returned-video compartment - picking through the returned DVDs. It was like a scene from Boxing Helena. No Grizzly Man. We thanked him profusely for his help and then headed off to go home.

-- And here's what happened next.

-- We turn onto her street. Alex has a gated car-lot in her apartment complex - but I can't park there and have to find parking in the street. Alex yells this to me from her car, and tells me she will wait for me on the sidewalk. I surge off into the night of the neighborhood to find a parking space.

-- A couple of things sort of happen at once. And it's all so immediate that I don't really process it - things just come at me in images, sensations, snapshots. It is only later that I put it together.

-- As I approach the next corner, I start to hear screaming. It is a woman's voice.

-- I see random groups of people out on the sidewalk - on all 4 corners. They are milling about. I think that maybe it's like my neighborhood - where everyone hangs out on the street. A low-income neighborhood. People don't hang out in their houses in low-income neighborhoods. They sit on their stoops, they gather on street corners, etc. This is not a dis. I live in a neighborhood like that. It's typical.

-- The screams, though - I can't tell if they're real - or if they're just some chick being loud and obnoxious. Not my problem, I don't really care.

-- I get to the corner - and I go to make a right. To my left I see out of the corner of my eye - a commotion.