Where I’m at

If you follow me on Instagram then you know that … everything has changed for me in the last couple of months. I have alluded to it here but as is pretty obvious I don’t write explicit personal diary stuff here anymore (not for a long time). There are some things I keep under wraps – by design – people being creepy and nosey as they are – but it is rather strange to have all of this upheaval – massive unforeseen change – without at least mentioning it here. This is why I haven’t put up my regular monthly viewing diary – I am still keeping them, I just haven’t had a chance to put them up! I will get to them, I know people like them! I’ve been on a big Joel McCrea kick, which has been super fun, as well as a Kay Francis jag. Also super fun.

After the majority of my life at this point living in New Jersey, New York and its general environs – longer than I’ve lived anywhere – I’ve left. Like, really left. Perhaps not for good, but the pandemic (and other things) made a lot very clear. Last fall, I realized I needed to “come home”, i.e. Rhode Island, where I grew up, in order to be there for my family. This is not something I have ever even remotely considered – I love Rhode Island, but moving back was never in the cards. I had been thinking of moving to Westchester to be closer to my sister – like, next door even – family has become even more important, particularly these past couple of years. I was also considering putting everything in storage and going back to the Balkans for a while – I budgeted it out and even found an Airbnb for an outrageously cheap price in the middle of Zagreb. Anyway, it was only in the infancy stages when Corona arrived … I will still do this, just not now! I need to go to Bosnia and Serbia mainly and spend more time in Split and Zagreb – and maybe venture out further – Montenegro, etc. – but … well, whatever. That’s put off now.

My lease was up in February so I started planning my big move for real in October/November. Hope dying unexpectedly in early September was another deciding factor. I had only gone into New York a couple of times during the pandemic – basically to stay with Allison, because the isolation was legit driving me crazy – but as a person who went into New York every single day for the last (decades) … I suddenly felt: what the fuck am I doing. So.

Then came the craziness of planning the move, of uprooting my life, of moving back to a state I love, but a state I never thought I’d live in again. Please don’t ask me what town. Someone here asks for my location every time I go on vacation, or post a personal picture. Honestly, am I the only person who’s been stalked? I appreciate the interest, but I’m telling you what I’m telling you. I’m in a little beach town, and I have the top floor of a house built in the 1800s. Maybe earlier. The ceilings are slanted, and the ocean wind whips around the house, literally shaking it, when there’s a storm. There’s a huge backyard, with a garden and a fire pit – I look out my window and I see a wall of trees. Across the street is a Little League field.

The beach is 5 miles away. I go there every day. I used to drive to the Jersey Shore as much as I could – I could never EVER live in a land-locked state – but it was an hour both ways. I would do it, but having a beach 5 miles away is unbelievable to me, AND it’s a Rhode Island beach and they’re the best beaches in the world.

A good friend of mine – dating back to middle school – lives downstairs with her boyfriend – and their cat Tarzan has become so obsessed with me we literally have to leave the connecting door ajar so he can come visit. If we close it, he scratches on the door to get to me. Lol. My mother said to me it’s like Hope sent Tarzan to me. (Tears.) He is such a funny cat. So different from Hope! Every time I turn around, Tarzan is there. Staring at me. I have been chosen. It is an honor. Sometimes he sleeps on my bed while I work. He’s not big on being held, but he does like to have his body touching mine – shoving his butt up against my thigh or whatever – whereas Hope was a straight-up lap cat. Tarzan isn’t like that. I feel blessed by him.

I see my sister and my nieces and nephew a couple times a week. I sleep over and get the kids ready to catch the bus, because my sister has to leave for her job super early. I “baby”-sit a couple times a week. I also just go over to hang out. I go grocery shopping for my sister. I run errands.

I continue to do my writing gigs of course – just knocked off a huge one (announcement about it probably this month), and spend a lot of time, of course, watching movies. I am used to my new digs. I had to put a lot in storage.

It’s been, to quote Tennessee Williams, a “period of adjustment.” But I know Rhode Island. This is my home. Also, in this time of exodus, two of my dearest friends – who lived 20 minutes away form me in Jersey – are ALSO moving back here and will – again – be 20 minutes away from me. This happened independently of each other. We all went to college together. We were in Chicago together. We just follow each other around.

There is a huge park within walking distance from my house, with a pond frozen over in the winter, complete with children ice skating. Where I am is a bit temporary now … I need to find a new place where I can get my stuff out of storage, and also get my own cat – I’m almost ready – Tarzan is helping me get ready! but for now … it’s a soft landing. I have my space. I have a study area, a living room, a bedroom, a closet that is basically a room and tons of storage space in the eaves. This is a house with eaves.

I keep running into people I know. Good people. People I’ve known always. Easter with family. Trying to help everyone hold it together. Deep conversations with my nieces and nephew. Also NOT deep conversations. Watching movies. They all love What’s Up Doc! I’m so proud! The kids can totally keep track of the different bags.

Me: “Is that the bag with the jewels?”
Pearl: (who is 7) “That’s the one with the documents.” lol

Getting to see them where it’s not a brief visit – where I don’t have to leave – where I am part of the everyday fabric of their lives – is a gift. I’ve seen my mother more times in the last couple of months than I have in a long time, and certainly last year.

I am getting vaccinated next week at a little apothecary. It’s literally called an “apothecary”. It has an old-fashioned ice-cream counter, and they make great milk shakes.

So it’s certainly different from my last neighborhood in New Jersey. That was, hands down, my favorite apartment I’ve ever lived in … but itwas in a neighborhood so dangerous there was literally gunfire on my street one night. Drunken scary fights on the sidewalk below my window. Needles on the sidewalk outside my front door. A mass shooting at a grocery store a mile away. Poverty, boarded up shops, tumbleweed blowing through the empty streets, a local woman telling me my first couple of weeks there, “Whatever you do, don’t walk on [specific street name].” Well … I LIVED on specific street name. Listen, it was what I could afford, and besides, all of that being said, I LOVED my neighborhood, though, even in all its struggles. I could see the Statue of Liberty from the park near my house. I went to protest marches in that neighborhood, I voted at the little community hall in that neighborhood, I volunteered, I made friends with the cranky crossing guard, I loved my landlord. And the apartment was an oasis, a true home. PEACE. It also was the only apartment where I have been “well” the whole time. I put down roots there. It HURT to leave it. But it was haunted by Hope at the end – I could hear her footsteps, I ached for her … it made it easier to leave.

I will rebuild but for now … I am resting. Recovering. Devoting myself to the moment and to my familiy. Here’s a little montage of where I’m at, plus cameos by Tarzan, who is a “thing of beauty and a joy forever”.