Snapshots

Things Done This Past Week

— Kate and Tim’s wedding. It could not have been more beautiful. “Pastor Sean” was wonderful. Sean and Guy and I all sat around at the rehearsal dinner, and talked about how emotional we were about this wedding (and we all had major duties to perform – Sean was marrying them, actually marrying them – Guy was singing – and I was reading) — We all discussed our fears of literally bursting into tears at inappropriate moments. None of that occurred. We got it all out at the rehearsal dinner. I got to know Kate’s parents, her brothers, their wives … It was awesome.

— Alex did my hair and makeup for the wedding, thank the good Lord above. I came home from my manicure, and Alex had already heated up the hot rollers. I even let her tweeze my eyebrows a bit, which lets you know that I trusted her immediately. I looked a bit glamorous, I must admit. She confessed to me, later, “The second I met you, I wanted to attack your eyebrows.”

— Mitchell and I jitterbugged at the wedding reception. Just like old times. My shoes sucked. I ditched them as soon as possible.

— We watched Now Voyager.

— We watched Star is Born. “I need a job …” Is it me, or is James Mason TOTALLY under-rated? He’s fantastic. And Judy’s scene in the dressing room is basically what, for me, acting is all about.

— I watched Silkwood with Eric.
“Dolly Pellecker…”
“I’m soo tired of your jokes …”
“They’re just seeds, Karen…”

— We watched Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, a bizarre movie starring Bette Davis, Olivia de Haviland and Joseph Cotten. It was supposed to star Joan Crawford, but Olivia ended up doing it – and it’s kind of a follow-up to Baby Jane. Alex and I did imitations of Bette Davis’ shrieking and barking and growling scene, as she crawled backwards down the stairs… We “did” Bette until we cried with laughter. The shot ends with Bette, right up against the camera, with an absolutely lunatic look on her face, her eyes juuuust slightly crossed. IT IS RIOTOUS. We were roaring. Alex has memorized the entire movie, and not only that – but the WAY people say their lines. “John never … even … …. John?”

— Many many guffaws of laughter. Out. Of. Control.

— Alex and I explained the American Revolution to Eric, in tag-team fashion. I think we should have a show on the History Channel. It was great fun. We wanted to move into the Civil War, but we got a bit confused on dates, and events. It is not my specialty. Chrisanne is a huge Civil War buff, so we could have used her – only she had gone to bed.

— I saw Mitchell’s circus in downtown Chicago on a freezing biting cold windy day. They perform in Daley Plaza, right by the massive Picasso (that little kids use as a slide – I love that …) Some incredible circus acts, and people thronging to watch, with their little bundled up kids.

— Mitchell and I walked through Boy’s Town – our old ‘hood (or at least one of them). We looked at my old building, I felt so WEIRD looking at it … my first apartment, ever. We walked down to the lake, it was chilly, grey, bitter – the skyline looked fantastic. They’ve put this concrete slab all along the water … a wide slanting slab that goes right up to the lake – the lake slaps against it. The blue lake against the white concrete … It looks very – er – Greek amphitheatre-ish. The air was wild, whipping past us, it was glorious. The Chicago I remember.

— In one week, we became a happy commune. Alex, Chrisanne, Eric, Mitchell, and myself. And the 3 cats (who kept looking at all of us a bit askance, like: “When are you going away??”). Alex, the movie fanatic. I bonded with her on that score. And Chrisanne, the history fanatic … The first day Chrisanne came home (the first moment I met her, actually) – she had stopped off at a book store on her way home. I said, “What did you buy?” She pulled out a biography of Abigail Adams. Um – old movies and John and Abigail Adams? HELLO???

— We were pretty much all about the wack-job that is Joan Crawford. During the Hollywood Palace footage we watched, she kept messing up her words – because of her drunkenness. “I have benjoyed tonight’s show…” Also, at one point … one of the guests asks Joan Crawford how she managed to succeed as an actress. Here is EXACTLY what Joan said (and please imagine that she said it in the PHONIEST way possible): “You just be natural and be yourself. It’s very sample.” I mean, we analyzed that moment to SHREDS. First of all: You, Joan Crawford, are telling us to “be natural and be yourself” – as you stand there in long blue gloves, with your adopted children locked up in the closet at home? Second of all: “It’s very sample????”

So “sample” became the theme of the week. “I just tried to be sample. That’s all.” We made fun of Joan Crawford’s bumbling words so much that we finally ended up calling her “Crone Jawford”:

“Good evening. I’m Crone Jawford. I hope that you have benjoyed tonight’s sample show.”

— We watched Strait Jacket with Crone Jawford, in possibly one of the LEAST sample performances I have ever seen in my life. Has anyone ever seen this? There’s a moment where a slutty Crone Jawford (who is supposed to be a “sample farm girl”) lights a cigarette off of a playing record, and the record shrieks to a halt. Now – you kind of have to have been there, I realize that – but Alex, Eric and I laughed so hard at that one moment that we watched it 5 times in a row, literally cackling and guffawing at 1 in the morning – It’s amazing we didn’t wake up the whole neighborhood. Alex actually did a spit-take at one point. Alex KEPT doing the sound of the record shrieking to a halt. Mitchell had gone to bed, and I asked him the next morning if he had heard our wild laughing shenanigans. He said no. He said, “Were you laughing at the part with the record player?”

People – if you ever get a chance, and want a good laugh – and also want to watch a woman’s absolutely incomprehensible performance – watch Strait-jacket.

In the moment BEFORE the record-player extravaganza, Crone Jawford is staring at the psychiatrist, with a look of anger, betrayal … and then that look disappears … and she becomes sultry … knowing … and then in the next second, she gets swept away by the music, and she claps a couple of times … then she walks to get a cigarette, throwing the psychiatrist a hostile look … and then – OOPS – she breaks the match … showing her sudden nerves … Etc. Do you get the picture? It was a cornucopia of RANDOM EMOTION. Eric, watching it, commented flatly, “She’s in 4 different movies right now.”

Alex said later, “Joan was still acting like it was 1940. She completely missed that acting styles had changed.”

Oh, people. My stomach still hurts from laughing that night.

— Alex and I had a huge William Holden appreciation conversation. We re-lived his performance in Network – how good, how damn GOOD he is.

— The get-together at Guthrie’s Tavern was great – Scott Janssens showed up (dude, you completely rock!!!) – plus a bunch of my really old Chicago friends. Scott was a brave soul – he knew no one, and there he was, hanging out with a group of old and dear friends. Great to have you there, Scott.

— Scott (BLESS HIM) gave me the UN-EDITED UN-TOUCHED UN-MESSED-UP versions of the Star Wars trilogy. WHERE HAN SHOOTS FIRST!!!! Oh I am so thrilled … so thrilled! Thank you!

— I ended up doing my Liza Minelli imitation for the entire back room at Guthrie’s. The Liza-stagger. The random people at other tables who had no idea what was going on stared up at me, frightened, like: Is she really walking like that??

Things Learned This Past Week

— That the experience of getting a manicure at Sak’s is as unlike your basic 15 dollar manicure as to be another breed of event altogether. Plush, man! Livin’ the lush life! Kate, Liz and I all met the morning of the wedding to get the old nails done. They still look fabulous. Kate and I both got lectured about our cuticles, at almost the same moment. “Don’t cut your cuticles …” my manicurist said to me, as I heard Kate’s manicurist say across the room, “Push your cuticles back … but whatever you do, don’t cut them…” Who knew?

— My fears of looking like Bea Arthur in my bridesmaid dress were completely unfounded.

— Bobby Darin was freakin’ HOT. Okay??? I HAD NO IDEA. We watched a clip of him singing “Michael Row the Boat Ashore” (of all things) on the short-lived but unbelievable Judy Garland show, and immediately had to rewind it and watch the whole thing again. I watched it 4 times. I felt like I was 12 years old, seeing Han Solo on the screen for the first time. The dude is toe-curlingly hot, and that’s pretty much all I have to say. It’s really very sample: BOBBY DARIN’S HOT!!! He’s hot in kind of a mean intense way … in a kind of Robert Mitchum in “Night of the Hunter” way … in a kind of Russell Crowe in LA Confidential way. Not handsome, no. But hot.

— I learned that Alex loves Liza Minelli … and I, kind of, do not, although I think her acting in Cabaret is pretty much as good as it gets. Alex and I had a great debate about Liza vs. Judy (once I had finished doing my staggering imitation of bedhead-Liza). When describing the conversation to Mitchell later, Alex said, “Sheila and I disagreed … but we talked it over … and we came out whole.”

— I learned that a good color of eye shadow for my skin tone is lilac. Lilac and smoke-grey.

— I learned about the backstage drama of “the gourd” (long long story, which I actually did tell, here) A brief version: An old flame of mine was in a show with Alex 10 years ago. Alex thinks he’s nuts, and also thinks I’m a bit nuts for thinking he’s great. (However, I explained my relationship with this guy to Alex, and she ended up “getting it” – and she and I came out whole. Once again.) So I had come to see that show 10 years before, basically to check out my old flame … and, spontaneously, I do not know why, I signed a gourd and sent it to him backstage. I’m a lunatic. I signed it: “Have a good show! From, Sheila”. But the FUNNIEST thing about all of this – is that Alex REMEMBERS that night, and remembers how some dumb woman (me) sent this jackass a “cumquat” – (she refused to call it a gourd). “So this cumquat is sent backstage…” Apparently, Alex even wrote in her journal that night about it. “Some idiot girl sent that asshole a cumquat backstage … Poor woman …” We were HOWLING about all of this. She described to me his goofy happiness when he opened the paper bag and saw the gourd … She did an imitation of him saying, “She gave me a cumquat!!” … Of course I knew none of this at the time. My old flame came out from backstage, and he and I stood talking for a while, and he didn’t even mention the cumquat. I don’t know – the “night of the gourd” is kind of a famous night for me, in my life – for whatever reason – so to realize that there was actually a spectator – someone I would actually become friends with … is pretty dern funny. I’m sure I didn’t describe that in a way which lets you know how funny it was, but I don’t give a crap. Alex will laugh.

“She gave me a cumquat! ho ho ho ho …”

— I learned that my eyebrows look quite good when they are cleaned up a bit. It’s almost like having a face lift.

— I learned that Eric laughed so hard once that he thought his eyeball would fall out.