Things experienced so far in LA – part 18

— Two big things happened yesterday. Alex and I went to the L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition (oh. my. God.) and I also went and sat in on Alex’s acting class. It was so funny – Alex told Chrisanne our plans for the day and Chrisanne said, “Jesus – can’t you guys go to the Getty Museum??”

— To get to the “Life Exhibition”, Alex drove me through Laurel Canyon. It is so so beautiful, I couldn’t stop gaping out my windows at all of these specTACular houses clinging to the sides of the damn cliff. I mean, those people are living on borrowed time! But they sure have beautiful views while they get to live there! The WEALTH and the BEAUTY was beyond belief. These are gorgeous gorgeous homes. The road twists, turns – and the cliff careens off to your right, down into the canyon … so you get these views across the canyons – greenery, and palm trees, and banana trees – with these gorgeous MANSIONS scattered throughout. At one point I said, “I wonder how kids up here get to school.” And literally, in the next second, a yellow school bus came staggering up the hill in the opposite lane. “Oh, so that’s how kids up here get to school.” The driveways are on steep treacherous inclines and let you out RIGHT onto the street – treachery. But still – so so beautiful.

— We get to Hollywood Boulevard – it’s not as much of a SCENE as it was the first day we went there, because it is in the middle of a work day. There was still a random Darth Vader wandering around, there was still a Spongebob hanging out … but without the crowds clustered around. Which makes them look even more surreal.

— And then there it was … glimmering on the left side of the road – a big golden-hued building – with an ENORMOUS sign jutting up out of the roof: CHURCH OF $CIENTOMOGY. We gasped as though we had spotted a movie star. “There it is! There it is! Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Calm down. Calm down.”

— We parked. We ate at a pizza joint across the street. We watched the activity across the way. We were on a stakeout. There was a woman standing at the front door, watching the people as they walked by. Sometimes she stopped them to talk to them (ahem – recruit). There were security guards at the other doors. Nobody was going in. Nobody was coming out. It was the Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory Life Exhibition. There were three very pretty girls sitting on a bench in front of the front door – eating sandwiches. For some reason, they looked very out of place. I wondered if they were plants. Told to sit there to draw the people in. Nothing is impossible. Alex finally said, “I literally cannot wait another minute. Let’s go in.”

— Oh, I forgot to say. Next to the pizza place was a joint called the Hollywood Literacy Project or something like that – and I happen to know that that is one of the cult’s many front groups. This is one of the main things that Cruise evangelizes about – because apparently he cured his dyslexia and found that he was able to read after going through this program. He found himself SO adept at reading that he was able to research “the history of psychiatry” in a matter of years. Don’t be glib, mkay? L. Ron Hubman came up with a way to teach people how to learn … and this is one of the ways that the cult infiltrates communities. You would have no way of knowing that this literacy program had anything to do with COS – if you go to their website, they do not mention the affiliation. So this group goes into schools, goes into communities … sets up shop … but what it really is is a recruitment arm of the cult. Alex and I peeked through the windows. It was a big open space, with tables and chairs … people working out of workbooks … It looks completely benign. But evil and SCAM wafted out of that place.

— So then we walked across the street. I said, “So Alex – where are you going to be from?” We had discussed using accents. She said, “I haven’t decided yet.” All righty then. We are going to fly by the seats of our pants. Make shit up as we go.

— We walked up to the woman at the front door – she was very friendly. “Hi!” “Hi there!” “Would you be interested in taking a tour?” “Yes! Very much!” All very friendly and nice. We enter the lobby, an echoey impressive marble space. She tells us she will be with us in a minute, and she gives us two fliers to look at while we wait. We don’t really get to that because there is SO MUCH ELSE to look at. On one wall, there was a massive bust of good ol’ Ron – beaming out at us like an insane cherub. Behind the bust – there was a wall where water ran down it – and then collected in a pool beneath the bust. It was so elaborate. So deified. Creeeepy. There was a lit-up wall with testimonials from people about this great great man. Travolta, Cruise, Anne Archer – you really really get the sense at how celebrities are used. For their brand-name (or nambrainz) recognition. It was literally like being in a church. “He is the greatest man who ever lived.” “There is nothing that this man did not accomplish. He is a prophet.” “It is truly incredible the discoveries he made …” and on and on and on.

— One quick thing: from the moment that Alex and I stepped into the exhibition, we kind of stopped dealing with each other. We HAD to. We did not look at each other, we did not glance at each other and roll our eyes, we did not mutter snarky comments … it was too dangerous. While we were there – we were TOTALLY into it … and we did not look at each other. I think I made eye contact with Alex once during the entire tour.

— Then our woman came back to us and told us that the tour was about to begin. She had a very thick Spanish accent, so we referred to her, later, as Salma Hayek. We had our own personal tour. There was nobody else on the premises. Which is so damn creepy if you think about it. The exhibition is so elaborate – you would not BELIEVE it – and … it’s all just sitting there, in that building, waiting for stooges to stroll through. It’s so bizarre. She takes us through these two huge white doors, closes them behind us – and there we were in the exhibition. The entire thing was very controlled. We were not allowed to browse or wander about on our own … There were little walkways that we had to stick to – almost like a corral for cows – we had to stay between the bars … We could definitely ask questions (and oh, did we ever ask questions) – but the tour was like a runaway train, and our guide was the conductor. There would be no loitering. It had a very set path that we had to follow.

— Our guide was so knowledgeable. Of course, it’s all BULLSHIT, but this chick had it DOWN. She was about 22, 23. Very pretty. Very sweet. She took us to the first part of the exhibit. There was Ron’s Eagle Scout medal UNDER GLASS. That blew me away. They treat his Eagle Scout medal and his Boy Scout badges as though they are relics rescued from the Dead Sea. I’m serious. It’s extraordinary. They literally think this guy is God. She goes through her schpeel – He was the youngest Eagle Scout EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET. He got THE MOST BOY SCOUT BADGES EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE BOY SCOUTS. Then the lights went down, and the screen above the exhibit lit up and we watched a small movie about Ron’s childhood. There was one point when the screen showed the deep blackness of space, with stars glimmering – and suddenly, superimposed on that, was a glowing huge head of L. Ron – with a kind of halo shimmering around the shape of his head. This was the moment when I decided, for real: “I absolutely must not look at Alex. She is DEAD to me right now.” I so wanted to turn to her and murmur, “Oh my God.” But I couldn’t. We needed to stay calm. Did you know that Ron went through the blood-brother ritual with the Blackfoot Indians AT AGE ELEVEN? Unbelievable.

— That part ended and we moved on. I said something like, “It’s so amazing that he did so much.” Or some such jagoff remark.

— Then we heard about his days as a seafarer. He went EVERYWHERE, y’all! His trips – all added up – means that he went around THE ENTIRE WORLD TEN TIMES! Oh my God, I just need to fall over dead in amazement. (That was the tone of all of this. How amazing he was, how extraordinary, how unbelievable, how nobody IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET has ever lived a fuller life … It was so transparent … so bullshit … but they can’t see it. Of course they can’t. But still – it was amazing to be confronted with that.) He went around the world. Apparently he is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to ever be sad about poverty. He is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to wonder about the human condition. He is the FIRST PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET to study other cultures. He basically met some Japanese magician, he cavorted with the primitive people of Borneo, he hung out in China … and through all of this … he began to realize that … nobody had ever actually studied mankind, and how man operates. (Oh really? Nobody, Ron? NOBODY??) But again. I maintained my credulity. I didn’t roll my eyes once. I listened, openly, and with rapt attention.

— Then we moved on to the next part of the exhibit (the whole thing was like a maze) – which was the beginning of his career as a “writer”. There was an old-fashioned newsstand standing there – with a huge mannequin who looked completely real – the guy who ran the newsstand apparently. He had on a little cap, a striped vest, and he was smoking a cigar. He was creepily real. I thought he was an actor, for a second. Some poor drone of the cult – told to stand totally still for the entire day in the bowels of the Life Exhibit. But no – it was a dummy. The newsstand was filled with his books – all covered in plastic – again, as though they were precious relics rescued from a cave in the deepest mountains of Tibet. Did you know that he typed 94 WORDS A MINUTE?????????? HAS ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET EVER TYPED FASTER? I wanted to say to her, “I actually type 96 words a minute” – which is true – but I decided not to bust her bubble. The entire house of cards would have fallen down if she had found out that 94 wpm is fast … but it’s not like … MIRACLE fast. If he had typed 130 wpm or something like that, then maybe I would have given the props. Anyhoo. Onward. We have a LOT to cover. Right this way.

— Next we came to the section about his life in Hollywood as a writer of 1930s serials. Alex said to me later, “They made it seem like he was literally responsible for Gone with the Wind or something.” They really did. There was a big set of a box office over in the corner – and we had to sit in chairs in front of it – and then a small curtain went back, and there was a screen – and we watched a short film about Ron’s TRIUMPHS IN HOLLYWOOD. We saw footage from the screenplays – we saw his typewriter – we saw photos of Ron hard at work … Then there were shots of massive 1930s movie premiers – with huge floodlights swooping up into the sky. I swear. Nobody has EVER been more successful in Hollywood than this wack-job. I swear. John Ford? BAH HUMBUG. Billy Wilder? NAH! George Cukor? LOSER! NONE of them accomplished what L Ron did.

— After that, we move into the sci-fi realm. Did you know that L. Ron was literally the creator of modern-day science fiction? Before L. Ron came along, sci-fi was all about robots and machines. But he revolutionized the genre by introducing HUMAN BEINGS into the mix. Wow. Really? Noooo, you’re kidding me! Nobody EVER put a human being into a sci-fi story before him? REALLY???? “The style of science fiction writing today is exactly in the form that he introduced.” informs our guide. “Wow,” Alex and I reply accordingly.

— Then we came to one of the surrealest parts of the tour. We walk over to a small set – which is a spaceship. There are two huge mannequin guys – dressed up in Star Trek-ish costumes – they sit in swivel chairs – and they are facing a huge screen – as though they are at the controls of a space ship. Our guide tells us about one of Ron’s greatest achievements – a 10 volume sci-fi book called Mission Earth. The entire manuscript is there before us – under glass. It contains 10 MILLION WORDS. She kept saying that. As though the CONTENT of the book is irrelevant. It is the AMOUNT OF WORDS that is truly amazing. And then – good God in heaven – the mannequins came to life – and enacted a scene from Mission Earth. First a light would go on one of them – his chair would swivel a bit – and then a voice boomed out – supposed to be his voice. “But Captain Voltar – we are careening through the deepest of space – how will we capture the City of Ragtor?” Then the light came up on Voltar – and his chair swiveled a bit – and HE would speak. “We must accomplish our mission. If we do not, all will be lost.” Or whatever. The scene went on for an unforgivable amount of time. And there stood Alex and I. Frozen in our spots. Watching this INSANITY unfold. Again, I could not look at Alex, or even deal with her. She was a silent watching presence beside me. We were riveted. But not for the reason that our guide hoped. We were frozen in terror – because it’s SCARY when you see something completely and utterly insane.

— After the re-enactment (BY STOREFRONT DUMMIES DRESSED UP IN SCI-FI COSTUMES) – we then move on to the next section of the exhibit … which is Ron’s “discover” of Dianetics. Oh my gosh. This is so exciting.

— There was a small gallery of BULLSHIT oil paintings … which showed different parts of Ron’s life … and how he started to put together the pieces, and how he started to “study” the mind. These paintings, people … Alex said to me later, “Someone DID those paintings!” The image of some dude, standing at an easel, painting Ron in the jungles of the Philippines, or studying in his room … was so crazy that I couldn’t even be with the image for more than 5 seconds at a time. Our guide ZIPPED us through that gallery, man. She didn’t give us a moment to think, or stop, or linger. “And here is Ron talking to a wise man in Japan …” “And here is Ron in the VA Hospital … he had lost his sight and the use of his legs … he realized that the patients all around him were not getting better … he wondered why …” (Uhm – because schrapnel is embedded in their spleens? How ’bout THAT for an answer?) “And here is Ron with the people in the Philippines …” He spoke five languages. NOBODY IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET HAS EVER SPOKEN MORE LANGUAGES THAN THIS GREAT GREAT MAN. The gallery was the lead-up to the talk about Dianetics. She asked us, “Have you heard of Dianetics?” Alex said something like, “That’s a book, isn’t it?” “Yes. But it is really a philosophy.” “Oh.” Alex said. Then – with a tone of revelation, “Wait a minute – HE was the one who discovered Dianetics?” As though she hadn’t known what she was getting into. Alex, you’re an asshole. I stared straight ahead, firmly, sternly, not looking at her.

— Then we were in the Dianetics room. It was a small room, with a couple of folding chairs, a big TV, and every single edition of the book since it was first published. It was dizzying. The books lined the walls. The repetition of images was very effective – or WOULD have been if I hadn’t known what the hell was going on. I know about brainwashing. I know how important repetition is to dull the brain. The first edition of Dianetics was a hard cover – there were no volcanoes on it – nothing – it was a black paper cover – with a white band across it – and in that white band were the words, in black – DIANETICS.

— Oh man. I so so so wanted to ask the chick about Xenu. But I knew I couldn’t. I would have been shuffled out of there so quick.

— We watched the most ridiculous video ever created – about what Dianetics is. There were re-enactments of things – to show how the “reactive mind” works – which is such BULLSHIT … but there they were … pretending that Ron really discovered the way the mind works, and stores images … which then cause you problems later. Those damn engrams. One of the re-enactments – having to do with someone being hit in the head by a baseball … and how this causes problems in his later life – was laughable. There is absolutely no evidence that this is how the brain works. It is total and utter crap. I wonder what about it is so compelling, though. Like – it seems to make everything so boring and so literal. But … that’s not how the brain works. grrrrrr. The video was absolutely maddening and also utterly fascinating at the same time. This has to be one of the most successful scams in human history. When this organization falls – and it will fall – people will look back on it like: “Wow, man. How on earth did that take such a deep hold?” Fascinating.

— When the video stopped, Alex and I asked a TON of questions. That was really fun. “So … if you have asthma … it’s because of … something that happened in your past?” You know … all that stuff. You aren’t ever REALLY sick. It’s just your reactive mind acting out. But we asked questions in a credulous way – as though we really wanted to figure out how this stuff works. We didn’t ask them in a cynical way. She was extremely forthcoming – answered all of our questions, yadda yadda.

— Then we went up the stairs to another part of the exhibit. There seemed to be nobody else in this building. Nobody else was taking the tour. It was just Alex and myself. Oh, and I forgot to tell this part. When we were at the beginning of the tour – way back in the sea-captain part of the tour – we could still hear what was going on out in the lobby – which had been silent – but suddenly, someone from off the street obviously burst through the front doors and started hollering: “JESUS SAVES. JESUS IS GOD. JESUS SAVES. JESUS IS THE LORD.” At the top of his lungs. It was quite a commotion. The guy must have been ushered off the premises – and I’m telling you – our guide never stopped talking. She commanded us to keep our focus on her (all silently, non-verbally) – she never even looked over her shoulder, she never said, “Huh – wonder what’s up out there?” It was as though it wasn’t happening. This was no tour. This was a recruitment attempt.

— So anyway. After the Dianetics lecture, we went upstairs to the Scientology exhibit. I said, astounded, “Wait a second … he discovered Dianetics BEFORE Scientology? Is that the timeline?” She nodded – I went on: “Okay, so I’m understanding now. He made all of these discoveries about the human mind … and that’s Dianetics – and then he decided to share his knowledge and that’s Scientology.” Our guide was VERY proud of my deductive reasoning skills.

— The Scientology exhibit was so over-the-top deified that I felt terrified. For about 2 seconds and then I got into it. There was a whole wall of materials – his 5,000 lectures. Did you know he gave 5000 lectures? Nobody else IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET has ever given more lectures!! Did this man ever rest?????????? There were a gazillion booklets – she pulled a couple out to show us the tenets therein … Here is, in plain view, the bread and butter of the cult. The people in the cult are hooked in … maybe they take a stress test on the street … and then … you have to take classes – for each class, there is a booklet. You have to pay for each booklet. You finish that class, then you have to take an advanced class. That class has its own booklet. And so on and so on. The shelves and shelves of booklets (which, basically, should be titled: LESSONS FOR LIVING YOUR LIFE – IF YOU ARE A TOTAL MORON) stood there glimmering, and silent. How to Like Your Job. How to Communicate Effectively. Etc. Our guide pulled some of the booklets out to show us how it all worked. There was one REALLY scary enormous lecture tape standing in the display – and it was called CLEARING CONGRESS. You know … these people want to ‘clear’ the planet of those pesky engrams.

— This was the section of the tour where she flat out told us that it was a religion. “It is a religion.” We said not a word. “He discovered that man is a spiritual being. He is a spirit. We call that Thetan. The words ‘soul’ and ‘spirit’ are not as accurate as Thetan.” Okay, Salma, if you say so.

— We then moved on to the e-meter room. There was a big glassed-in space-age podium type structure – with an e-meter under glass. When we approached the podum – it lit up into blue neon. I mean, honestly. These people are not messing around. She explained how the e-meter worked – and then we both had a shot at the e-meter. I stood beside Alex as she held those damn metal cans … and I thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t have a big huge belly-laugh and SOON. Alex was told to think of something that stressed her out and I am telling you – her needle went OFF THE CHARTS. Alex is so full of engrams that it is amazing she is able to get through her day. But later Alex said to me, so excited, “I have figured out how to manipulate the e-meter. This is so exciting. I HAVE MASTERED THE E-METER.” I can barely write that sentence without laughing. Basically – if you just THINK about something – the needle will not move – but if you tense yourself up PHYSICALLY – the e-meter will register this as “stress” and off goes the needle. It’s like isometrics. If you do a little isometric work as you are attached to the e-meter, then you should see some real engram-activity. I literally do not know who I have become right now.

— Then we walked past an enormous display of e-meters throughout history. We saw the first e-meter. I nearly wept. Then we saw them progress … we saw them get sleeker and more streamlined … Genius.

— We walked down the stairs to go on to the next part of the tour and Alex said, “Are you a Scientologist?” She said, “Oh yes.” “And how long have you been into it?” “I started when I was 8.” “8 years old? Are you from here?” “I am from Venezuela – my parents are Scientologists, all my brothers and sisters are Scientologists …” I suddenly felt very very very sad. I wanted to arrest her parents. I mean, the girl seemed fine – she was friendly, sweet … but man. 8 years old.

— Then we got into the next section which was about Ron’s discoveries about impurities – we learned about the “purification rundown”. Which is what NYC is up in arms about right now – because of the 9/11 firemen, and Mr. Tom Cruise racing onto the scene 2 days after the tragedy to set up “purification rundown” tents … which are still in existence. Anyhoo, I put my judgment out of my mind – just so I could LISTEN to her tell us about it. We all have impurities in our skin. If we take aspirin, if we ingest chemicals of any kind … it is stored up in our bodies. In order to get rid of that shite, you must take saunas and take “vitamins”. As we know, by “vitamins” they mean “niacin” – which is highly toxic – and which is why Katie Holmes was walking around with black blotches on her face merely a week after meeting Tom Cruise. Because he said, “I love you” and within an hour I bet she was in a sauna, popping Niacin like a druggie. No way would Cruise allow anyone into his life who wasn’t “purified”. Our guide told us that when she was a kid she had had surgery of some kind – and of course she had had anesthesia for that. When she did her first purification rundown, her entire arm went numb. “Because that was the anesthesia coming out of me.” In her mind, that was her body getting rid of that old old anesthesia. Uhm – how ’bout DON’T SIT IN A SAUNA FOR FIVE HOURS? She had a friend who used to dye her hair red. And when she did her first purification rundown … afterwards, she came out to dry her hair off – and all of this RED STUFF CAME OFF ON THE TOWEL. Oh man. These people. Hard to believe. Alex said, “So … you guys don’t believe in medication of any kind? What if you have cancer?” “If you have cancer, then of course … you have to take the treatment … ” I so so so wanted to say, “What about Zoloft? How do you guys feel about antidepressants?” But I didn’t. I WANTED to say it in a really innocent way, as though I had no idea that I was walking into a snakepit, but I didn’t trust myself. Interesting, too: not ONCE in the tour did she reference the policy in the cult towards psychiatry. Not ONCE. I found her silence on that very very interesting.

— Then we learned about Ron’s teaching technology (on display in the literacy project building across the street). If you misunderstand ONE WORD in a sentence … then you cannot learn. This is the policy. If you don’t know what ONE WORD means then the entire sentence structure is lost on you. Now this is not true. And if you really think about it … it’s a way to actually SLOW DOWN the brain and CONTROL it. Because an agile brain will come across a misunderstood or unfamiliar word and think: “Hm. Let me look that up.” OR – you can GUESS the meaning because of the CONTEXT of the sentence. This is normal. But no no no no no no, we can’t have that! Because then that means you must think for yourself! Every single word you read, you have to do a check-in with yourself. “Do I understand that word? Yes. Okay. Next word. Do I understand that word? Yes. Okay. Next word.” See how MEANING would then be lost if you broke up sentences like that?? But I kept my mouth shut. I listened, agog.

— She asked us where we were from and what we did. Alex, “I’m a CPA.” Me, “I’m a teacher.” Salma asked Alex, “And where do you work?” There was a brief pause and then Alex replied, “A corporation.” We are still laughing about that. That’s the best you can come up with?? “A corporation????” Dying!

— Then came the grand finale. We were again sat down in chairs facing a big movie screen. The lights went down. And we were treated to an over-the-top terrifying movie about THE NUMBER ONE CHALLENGE FACING HUMANS TODAY – and that is drug use. Really? The number one? I would say it is definitely a challenge … but number one? How ’bout war? How ’bout disease? How ’bout … poverty? NOPE. It’s DRUGS. The lettering was jagged and red up on the screen – it felt like one of those films they show you in high school to scare the crap out of you. They showed a junkie sitting in his crappy apartment – shooting up – and they had a close-up of the damn needle going into his diseased arm. It was nasty. I couldn’t look. I promise, Ron, I will never do heroin. YOU CONVINCED ME, RON. Oh, and Kirstie Alley showed up in the film – to rave about the drug program put together by the cult – It’s called Narc0n0n. It’s another one of the front groups. There were raving testimonials from people about how they got off drugs, and they got off drugs without having to be on other drugs. Etc.

— The very last moment in the tour is something that defies description. I wish I could do it justice. We get to this HUGE space – one entire wall is covered by a curtain. It’s got to be 20 feet high. Just to give you an idea of the scope. Our guide tells us about how “decorated” Ron was – and how many awards and plaques and honorary blah blah blah he received – and then – as if on silent command – the curtain flows back – and there is an ENORMOUS two-paneled wall of framed degrees and shiny plaques. Before we get a chance to really inspect them, those two panels move off to the side – revealing ANOTHER two panels covered in plaques – Before we can inspect those, they move off to the side – revealing ANOTHER two panels covered in plaques – and this went on for 6 panels. These panels are 20 feet high and they are literally COVERED in plaques – but we were not given enough of a chance to really look at them. Alex moved in closer to get a better look – I saw a glimpse of a couple of them that were totally bullshit. It’s not like Honorary Degree from Harvard … it’s like – a tiny town in New Mexico thanked him for his community service – or whatever. I saw one (before it disappeared) from the mayor of New Orleans declaring such and such a day L Ron Hubman day. There was a giant glittery blue plaque from Venezuela – which makes me wonder. Just because of our guide, etc. Does it have a real foothold in that country? Oh, and I forgot to say – as this panel-moving display was going on – music started playing. Over-the-top symphonic music – You could just imagine members of the cult watching this display and being overcome by tears. At how great he was. That was the desired effect. For us, it was way more creepy … because … well. Here’s the deal. If any of you ever decide to go to this exhibit – know that the last thing on the program is the “revealing of the plaques” and I suggest that you move as close to the panels as you possibly can and READ the fine print. The whole thing LOOKS impressive – like, day-um, I don’t have that many plaques – but if you move in close, you’ll see how stupid it all is. And the MUSIC. The swelling violins, etc. The last two panels finish pulling back to reveal a GIANT painting of Mr. Hubman. GIANT.

— Literally. The greatest man who has ever lived.

— We then emerge out into the lobby (still empty – the Jesus freak being shuffled off to a gated cult-facility somehwere) – There’s a small display of books and pamphlets. For sale. Of course. (But the tour was free, by the way. We paid nothing for the experience.) But it wasn’t a normal bookstore where there was a cashier and you could browse. If we bought a book, we would have to buy it through Salma Hayek. She showed us all the books – we could buy this one, or that one, we could buy this one or that one, and here’s the booklet I showed you before, and here’s the other booklet, and here’s this and here’s that and here’s this and here’s that … We browsed for a respectable amount of time and then we said, “No thanks – but thank you SO MUCH for the tour!” And she let us go. She was sweet, she did not put the hard sell on us AT ALL … and we were allowed to go. Unscathed.

— We walked in silence for half a block. Trying to process it. And then we both began speaking at each other a mile a minute.

— We talked about it the whole way home. We’re still talking about it. We will never recover from what we saw … especially the two sci-fi talking mannequins at the controls of the space ship. That in and of itself has become an engram that I will need to get rid of.