The Tidal Wave, Let It Come

Last night I had a dream about tidal waves. It was a montage of tidal waves. But the dream wasn’t a scary dream, somehow. It was exciting. There were shots of houses and buildings engulfed in the foam of a massive crashing wave. There were shots of the chaos in the middle of the ocean. And then – there was this little postcard from a small remote island – The postcard showed a clapboard house standing there, and the windows reflected an enormous tidal wave approaching. Kind of a scary image, right? But the message on the postcard was something like: “From the island of Narwah – we welcome you!” Only, the dream made it clear that the postcard was welcoming the tidal wave. It wasn’t a “Miss you, wish you were here” message, it was a “Greetings, tidal wave!!”message. I have tidal wave dreams once a decade, and I always perk up and pay attention when I have them. They seem to be harbingers of big things. Change, growth, getting into the subconscious, whatever. Hm. Maybe it has something to do with Harmony and Patience? Whatever it “has to do with”, it was a pretty damn cool dream.

While I have a great fear of a wall of water that big – the dream itself was quite exhilarating. The world seemed to be saying, as one, “Welcome!” to the tidal waves. There were even postcards made up – saying, “Greetings, tidal wave.”

The night before I had the Angel Cards moment – where I chose Harmony and Patience.

A strange conjunction (but only when I realized it later): picking the 2 Angel Cards “Harmony” & “Patience” – followed by a dream of a tidal wave takeover. And the message of the dream was: let it come, let it come. WELCOME it.

Since I came back from Ireland, I have been non-stop busy. To the point where I am run ragged, and feel a bit frazzled at all times. I have a hard time sleeping. I cry randomly. It’s good to be busy – but I’m a girl who needs a lot of solitude in order to maintain equilibrium, and since Ireland, I have had none. I’m not complaining. Really. There are many quiet months, where all I’ve GOT is solitude … and then I yearn to have a more active busy life.

But I’m on the verge of tears today. Or tearing my hair out. Or something. Maybe punching a wall? Something like that. Breathe. Breathe.

Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I have experienced emotions on an intenser frequency than normal. (How on earth is that possible, some of you may be thinking … You. Have. No. Idea.) If I’m happy (and God, I have been happy!) I just sit in a chair in my kitchen, grinning like an idiot, re-living the events that are so exciting, that make me so happy. My happiness has kept me from sleeping, believe it or not. (Lucky Sheila. I kind of can’t remember the last time I said that!) If I’m frustrated, I feel like I could throw a computer monitor out the window. If I’m sad, then I’m Alice in Wonderland, crying a river of tears. It’s been all of that, and more.

My time with my childhood friends was intensely pleasurable.

My withdrawal from Ireland was intensely sad – and for a good 2 or 3 days, it felt like my life here, my “real” life, paled in comparison. Nothing made sense anymore. (That phase passed – it was just jet-lag).

I am intensely manic and frustrated today and feel like I will never experience relaxation or peace of mind again.

I’ve got emails piled up I need to answer. I have last-minute stuff to do to get ready for the holiday. There are certain things I am now waiting for. Things that are ON THEIR WAY … but they just haven’t arrived yet. Just a natural part of life. But … I am waiting with such impatience, such frustration … it feels like nothing is moving, that nothing is happening, and that nothing ever will happen. And then the next second, I am laughing out loud at my desk because of something Emily said.

I feel completely out of control, frankly. And if you knew me, you’d know that I am rarely out of control. And right now, you’d never know how out of control I feel from looking at me. I look quite normal. But my mind! My thoughts! My dreams and hopes and wishes and longings and disappointments are all at the foreground right now – demanding my attention. I haven’t had this ALIVE a time in many many years, I’d say.

I guess I’m unused to it, that’s all. And that’s why I feel a little bit weepy right now.

It FEELS out of control – only because I think I’m letting in the fullness of life, in all its complexity, joy, madness. I have no idea what each day will be like. I have no idea what adventures or disappointments will come from day to day. And so I’m on the edge. It is the FULLNESS that is so startling, and that makes me want to cry. Makes me not know what to do.

Last night, I got together with Jen, dear dear old friend. I told her all about ALL of this. The tidal wave dream, picking the Angel Cards Harmony & Patience, my struggles, my excitement … She’s going through a ton of stuff, too. We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks, and it feels like EVERYTHING has changed in our lives since then! And so, naturally, we decided to pick Angel Cards. Uh-oh. hahaha

So I reached out, picked a card, looked at the word, and laughed out loud.

It said: SURRENDER

We both started laughing. Because I had been talking to her so much about feeling out of control – but at the same time reminding myself of the tidal wave dream, which has definitely guided me through these turbulent last couple of weeks. I would say to myself, “Sweetheart, calm down. This is the tidal wave. Just let go. Tidal waves aren’t nice or pretty or neat … just let it come … let it come …” Basically coaching myself through my own stuff.

So then there was the SURRENDER confirmation … Just SURRENDER, Sheila.

It’s hard for me to do so. I want to know how it is going to turn out on the other end. I have no trust or patience.

Funny, too – because those of you who read the Angel Cards post – will remember that “Surrender” was the one I whipped across the room in a rage 5 or 6 years ago. Picking SURRENDER back then was like a slap in the face.

But picking SURRENDER last night was perfect.

Of course. Of course that is what I would pick.

I told my good friend David (who guest-blogged here for a while) about the tidal wave dream – and he took the analogy and RAN with it. He sent me the most phenomenal email – which I would love to post here, if he would give me permission. He took the image of the world WELCOMING the tidal wave (as opposed to cowering in fear) – and followed it through to its logical conclusions. Incredible stuff. He saw things in the dream I sure as hell didn’t see, and he helped me to see things in a clearer way.

He said at one point, “You know, some people only need a flooded basement before they change their lives. But some people need a fucking tidal wave. I need a fucking tidal wave, and so do you, Sheila.”

There is an unmistakable sense (almost a SCENT, really) of enormous impending change. A sense of shift, of transformation … something BIG coming. Am I ready for it? Am I ready to give up whatever it is I’m holding onto, to surrender my quiet safe narrow existence?

I can FEEL this change coming. It’s like when the wind shifts, and all the leaves on the trees turn inside out. Unseen cues, unseen shifts in electrical currents, whatever. I can smell it. Like ozone. I think that’s why there’s a bit of panic. The old-habit side of me wants to batton down the hatches, hide from the wave, protect what I can, stay still … and wait for it to pass. But the new side of me wants to surrender to it, knows that I must surrender, as terrifying as that wall of water may be.

I have no choice now.

David’s right. Some people only need a leaky ceiling or a flooded basement before they realize: Huh, time to make some changes.

Others need a tidal wave. I’ve always been a tidal wave kind of girl. Always. But this one feels particularly momentous.

Again – I have to remember that the dream was a GOOD dream. Not an apocalyptic dream, or a nightmare. It was somehow cathartic, and beautiful. The waves sweeping across the land, the land opening its arms to welcome it. It was indeed a good dream.

Who knows – the tidal wave may not have even hit yet, and this that I’m going through now – is just the beginning of it.

It’s a whole new world. A world welcoming the surge, not hiding from it. And in this new world, I literally don’t know what to do with myself yet.