Summing Up
The show premiered in 2005. I didn’t start watching until late October of 2013. 3 episodes into Season 9 is when I started watching from the beginning. The show had been going on for 8 years when I jumped into the raging river of it. Like most people, I discovered it and then binge-watched the entire thing in a month or so. If I recall, the entire thing was on Netflix at the time. I went into a fugue state of binge-watching. 9 seasons is a lot to absorb. I had a lot of catching up to do, before I could join the current season. I’ve been watching ever since.
They just announced that the next season, season 15, will be the last.
I have always wanted to describe the path that led me to watching this show. No time like the present.
This Is Going to Be Convoluted. Keep Up.
Over 20 years ago, there was a semi-scandal in the Lord of the Rings fandom. I am not going to name names but all of this will be easily discoverable. Briefly, a certain individual basically ran a cult, a “Hobbit cult,” claiming he was channeling cast members, as well as fictional characters. No harm no foul, except for the people trapped in this cult (the stories are terrible). So into LOTR was this person, that he created a charity, looping in some actual cast members to participate. A big “con” was planned, with this person heading it up. However, the “con” failed, with two cast members stranded at the airport from New Zealand, having to crash on the sofa of the “hobbit cult” headquarters (you can’t even make this stuff up), with no “con” to speak of. The person in charge, the cult leader, had bilked a lot of $ from someone, who charged all this stuff on her credit card. She wrote a book about her experience. Learning about this individual is a deep deep hobbit hole. Somehow, this cult came on my radar around 2006. I’m interested in cults of personality, and this one was a doozy. One of his main victims wrote a series of essays of her experience in thrall to him, and her blog continues to be a regular pit-stop for me. She’s an excellent writer and thinker, also excellent on how mind control works. She may have been how he initially came on my radar, since her words were so compelling. Turns out, the LOTR cult was just the tip of the iceberg. This individual has been rampaging through fandoms for 20, 25 years now, leaving a swath of drama behind him in each fandom. What happens is, is he blazes into the fandom with a sense of entitlement and “insider knowledge,” he writes extremely detailed fanfic, which morphs into gigantic encyclopediac alternate versions of reality. After LOTR, he moved onto Harry Potter, writing a gigantic TOME, which had its own fan base, which in turn became a kind of cult. This person would “channel” different characters. Anyway, you get the idea. Once the LOTR shitshow (articles have been written about this) went down, I started keeping my eye on this individual. I was fascinated by his online persona, which was so … obnoxious, and verbose, and know-it-all-ish, and seemed to naturally attract followers, especially the credulous, sweet, and kind-hearted members of fandom. He has done a lot of damage. He had a hugely popular Tumblr (it no longer exists), and there are many sites out there – one in particular – devoted to tracking his movements, basically to warn others. He has been run out of fandom on a rail. Repeatedly. The most recent upset happened last summer.
Okay, so you got all that?
I “followed” him, checking in on his Tumblr from time to time. I watched as he moved from fandom to fandom. I believe this person – working under another name – first appeared in the Due South fandom. Multiple names, aliases, disguises, phony backstories have always been utilized. It’s a hall of mirrors. He went around for a couple of years pretending he was Irish, pretending he had fought in the IRA. He appeared as a guest on a Harry Potter fandom radio-show, speaking in a HORRIBLE Irish accent, and yet … nobody questioned it.
Then Hobbit Cult Leader Got into Supernatural
So at some point in around 2012, I started seeing more posts about something called “Supernatural” on this person’s Tumblr. And my God, what posts. Lengthy, dazzlingly articulate, but with a bossy “I know how stories work, I know what they’re really doing, listen to me, follow me, young credulous fans, I know the score” kind of tone. I admit it, it was addictive. I had no idea what “Supernatural” even was. The show was not on my radar at ALL. I had no idea who “Jensen” was, or “Jared” or “Misha” –
and made no attempt to research it. I was more fascinated by this person’s investment in it. A part of me understood what I was seeing. I watched this person go from such in-depth Harry Potter fandom that he went on a radio show pretending to have an Irish accent … to dropping Harry Potter (after being run out of his own fandom-cult, due to people complaining about his abuse) entirely and moving onto the next thing … which was Supernatural. I understood this cycle. I go through it myself. I watched it occur on this person’s Tumblr, going, “Oh. Okay. Yesterday he was an expert in Harry Potter, so much so that he DISSED JK Rowling … HIS fanfic was better than hers … and today he’s an expert in some other thing called Supernatural … and wow, I do this too. I get it.”
I read all of his Supernatural posts, without looking into the source material. I was fascinated by what I was reading. The lead character was named Dean, whom this individual called homophobic, a man trapped in toxic masculinity, clearly gay underneath, sleeping with women as a front, tormented, misogynistic, a real “bro” and etc. I accepted all of this. Eventually, the posts morphed into something else: why something called Destiel was canon.
Because I didn’t watch the show, I assumed Destiel was a character. So Destiel was … gay, apparently. Like Dean was gay. Only, according to cult-leader, the show-runners were homophobic (boy, did Hobbit-Cult-Guy come across like someone who actually worked in a writer’s room in the business). I was like, “Oh, okay, so the Destiel character is gay but the show won’t admit it, or something, okay.”
I was very confused. But I found this person’s constant – and when I say constant, I mean constant, I mean he was literally never offline – posts on Destiel, and how it was “canon” and he had scenes to back it up, moments, quotes at cons, the whole thing – very engrossing. I still knew that this person had done horrible things, and he was extremely obnoxious, and the way he talked about “Misha” like he knew him personally, I remember thinking, “I hope Misha has a security detail because this person is … unhinged.”
But for whatever reason, none of this made me decide to check out Supernatural. I was more interested in the reactions, and the reactions I was reading was all in this “Destiel” grouping. I followed the Tumblr links. They were all Destiel tumblrs. I know it’s hard to believe that I didn’t pick up on what Destiel actually was, but I didn’t. The way it was referenced, it was like a single character, and the show was sci-fi, or sci-fi-ish, so someone could conceivably be named Destiel. I was interested in this person’s reactions to “masculinity” … although so often reading his stuff made me think, “Do you actually KNOW any men? Because your stereotypes are super broad. A man wearing flannel and work boots and fucking a woman isn’t automatically misogynistic, and if you knew any actual men you’d know that.”
None of this is meant as a dis on “Destiel” fans. Or Destiel. I don’t judge how other people get into things. Whatever floats your boat. Buried eroticism and repressed sexual impulses is part of the pool in which this show swims. But in this essay, I’m just trying to describe how it was that these Destiel-Tumblrs worked in my own discovery of Supernatural, and how I put all the pieces together, and what led me to finally discover for myself what the fuss was about.
Then Came Episode 3 of Season 9 and the Shit Hit the Fan
On October 22, 2013, episode 3 of season 9 aired. Since I didn’t watch the show, I had no idea what happened, but when I went to check my Destiel tumblrs, I found that people had lost their minds. People were FURIOUS. They went APE. SHIT. People were Tweeting at show-runners, saying they were sobbing, saying they felt erased, “how could you, how could you, how could you” – this is not an exaggeration. People were writing long raging posts on their Tumblrs, linking to one another, “trauma” was mentioned constantly, it was a shitshow of EPIC proportions. I read, agog. I was not making fun. These people were truly upset. They felt personally betrayed. Many of these Destiel Tumblr people were extremely articulate, and I read their posts, and still didn’t understand much of what was going on. The person I mentioned above always positioned himself as the “calm cool head of reason,” racing into upsets like this, lecturing everyone on how stories operated, and “never fear, Destiel is still canon.” People clung to his words. “Why do you think so??” He wrote thousands of words about why. He liked to be an expert. IN fandom but ABOVE it, if you get my drift.
This shit-show was the final straw for me. I HAD to know what these people were talking about.
I wasn’t like “Jeez Louise, everybody calm down”. I wasn’t in the fandom. That’s not my position at all. Telling other people to calm down is not my thing. Now that I’ve SEEN the show, I have feelings about all of that, as well as the responses to episode 3 of season 9, and can weigh in with my own “take.” But also: these people were legitimately upset, for their own reasons. I get it. At the time, I was so fascinated by this response – these shrieks of rage pouring out of Tumblr – I finally was like, “Okay, fuck sitting on the sidelines, I have GOT to know what these people are upset about.”
The problem was: I had 8 seasons to get through before I could put into context the weepings and wailings of the Destiel tumblrs. Was there any way for me to just watch episode 3 of Season 9 and understand why they were so upset? I figured: No. There is no way. I gotta at least watch a couple of episodes from season 1 to get more background.
My thought was: This is a fascinating situation, this eruption of fandom (and I had also read enough to know that there were wars in the fandom, sharp delineations between the Destiel Tumblrs I followed and everybody else. These wars were vicious. So I knew that the Destiel people’s howls of despair about episode 3 of season 9 were not shared by the rest of the fandom, and were also mocked by many members of the fandom.) It was hugely complex and in order to understand it I’d need to watch myself. I thought I would like to write something about it. (Ha. Look at what has happened.) My initial idea, though, was to write something about fandom and how Tumblr operated as an alternate universe to the actual show actually unfolding. But in order to write something about the Supernatural fandom, then clearly I would need to, you know, WATCH Supernatural.
October 2013: Initial Reactions
I thought it was good. But I was slightly confused. The main characters were “Dean” and “Sam” and okay, I had heard about them on the Tumblrs. But there was no “Misha” so I wondered when Misha would show up. And I also wondered when “Destiel” the character would show up, so I could get cracking on my article about the Destiel-fandom. Oh, Sheila.
I liked the pilot a lot. I loved how dark it was.
The two lead guys were so gorgeous it hurt to look at them. I wondered though how long it would take for me to understand why everyone was flipping out about episode 3 of season 9, so I could write my article.
The second episode was okay. Didn’t really make much of an impression.
The third episode was when I felt some familiar … stirrings. Stirrings of personal investment. A layer of complexity was added to what I was seeing. There was a mournfulness in episode 3 that I responded to, a deepening of this Dean character.
(Meanwhile, by the way, I’m comparing what I’m seeing to the Hobbit-Cult-Leader’s descriptions on the Tumblr, and I was like, “Wow, this show really must go through a serious change at some point, if this Dean guy is going to transform into a homophobic macho misogynist.”)
Then came episode 4. Not a great episode, but it was when Jensen Ackles suddenly became revealed to me. As well as the weird undercurrents of the show. First off, there was the camera pan up his sleeping body as his brother stared at him in the doorway. I thought, “What. the HELL. is THAT about.” But then there was the whole Burlesque of Dean being terrified to fly, and it was like a curtain was drawn back. Ackles had been wise-cracking in the pilot and the second episode, and yes, he was beautiful to look at, but nothing really struck me about him. The third episode deepened the character and I saw his sensitivity. So, okay. I’m investing. But then, showing that he could be funny too – in a really broad way – and poke fun at himself – forget it.
It was episode 4 where I was like, “Okay. That’s it. I’m in. I’m watching for ME now.”
I began a binge-watch, realizing eventually that Destiel was not a character, but a mash-up of Dean and the angel Castiel. Everything started to make sense. I laughed at myself for not getting it. The reaction to Episode 3 of season 9 now made sense. I am not a Destiel person, although I don’t think it flat out doesn’t exist. Like I’ve said, I think Dean is sexually available to pretty much anyone and anything, inanimate objects included. He’s equal opportunity. But it did strike me that I had only been reading Destiel tumblrs. Castiel doesn’t even show up until Season 4. As far as they were concerned, episode 1 of Season 4 was basically the pilot. I had been introduced to the show through a very skewed lens and it was fun to discover what else was there.
I don’t say “skewed” to mean “wrong.” Just that it was an extremely slanted take, and I didn’t recognize the show at ALL compared to all the shit I had read about it, and so it was a blast to clear everything away and see what was there for me, without all of these other interpretations.
I have the Destiel fans to thank for me deciding to watch the show in the first place. So if I’ve never said it: THANK YOU. And I am sorry for the trauma of episode 3 of season 9, but it was your howls of outrage that made me finally get cracking. I am grateful.
And, really, the weirdness is that the genesis of all this for me was when some crackpot formed a Hobbit Cult in the early 2000s and pissed off/hurt so many people that blogs are devoted to his exploits to this day. His victims are legion. So he’s really the reason – in a roundabout convoluted way – why I started watching.
Slight Personal Backstory, to Provide Context, and Having Nothing To Do with Hobbit Cults
I was diagnosed bipolar in early 2013. I had spent the year before in a haze of what I now see as mania. Mania is productive though. Don’t let anyone tell you different. But a crash was coming. The crash came around my birthday in November 2012. I was still writing on my site this whole entire time. If you look at the posts moving into the fall of 2012, they become extremely alarming. Or, they’re alarming to me anyway. After a series of increasingly violent crackups, in November, then December, then January … I was forced into treatment, and got diagnosed. The same day I got diagnosed, Roger Ebert emailed me asking me to write for his site.
Then came a time of change and recovery. Learning how to be well. Working with doctors. Trying to calm down.
It was a very tough year, 2013. But a good year too.
On the flip side, though, I was afraid to even look at or think about Elvis. He seemed so attached to my sickness, I was afraid. If I listened to Elvis, or watched his movies, I was afraid I would slip into being sick again. It was devastating, because he’s always been such a comfort. I felt adrift. I was afraid I’d never be able to love Elvis again, the way I had before. (Now I know better. But in 2013, that was not at all clear.)
Fast-Forwarding Yet Again to October/November 2013
It was into this environment that episode 3 of season 9 of Supernatural aired, the outraged response to which made me watch the pilot.
After episode 4 in Season 1 of Supernatural, I knew I was in for a huge binge-watch, but now … post-2012, and weaning myself off of Elvis … I wasn’t sure if I even should. If it was allowed. The first day I saw the doctor at the mood clinic, I had refused to take off my winter coat. Just to let him know I could walk out at any time. I had said to him, furiously, “If you tell me I’m not allowed to listen to Elvis anymore … or that I’m not allowed to get obsessed with things anymore … you and I are done.” Loving things is how I get through life, it’s how I survived being so sick for so long. He said to me, totally calm, thick Italian accent, “My darling, when you get well you will be able to love these things even more and be more productive in your response to them.” I did not believe him. (He was right.)
Supernatural was going to be a test. I failed at first. My obsession took over my life. I was watching it all day, when I could. I wasn’t so obsessed I wanted to run out and form a Hobbit cult, but I was VERY into it. It was filling a void. I KNEW it was filling a void, this is how I operate, but it made me uneasy. I was very very committed to managing my illness. I had changed my whole entire life so that I could try to reverse the damage that has been done. I slept 8 hours a night. I exercised. I sat in the sunshine for vitamin D purposes. I turned off the computer. I cut out sugar and alcohol. But suddenly Supernatural arrived and it felt like it was heroin being offered to me after being clean for a short time. I didn’t know how to be obsessed while also being mentally stable. It didn’t seem possible.
I threw caution to the wind. I was pissed. Everybody ELSE gets to binge-watch things without fear of hospitalization. Why can’t I?
But I was recognizing certain signs. Nervousness. Irritability. Recklessness. So I came clean to my doctor and told him what was happening with Supernatural. This was around December of 2013. All he said was (nothing throws him): “Only watch two episodes a day.” That didn’t seem achieveable in my current state, but I was so frightened of getting as sick as I was in 2012 (and 2009, let’s not forget) that I obeyed him. I cut my viewing down to two episodes a day. And Supernatural took on its proper size. I stopped feeling nervous and irritable. I started just enjoying the show. It was so much pleasure and I had been avoiding pleasure for a year, afraid of pleasure. But this was pleasurable and it was okay!
Forget About Manipulative Abusive Hobbits, Now I’m Into the Show All On My Own
I started to feel like I wanted to write something about the show. Not about the fandom. I was done with that idea. I thought I might have something to add to the rhetoric. I thought I had something to say, that my take was worth sharing. Part of it was in reaction to a lot of the stuff I had read on Destiel Tumblrs (again, no diss on Destiel! I’m not saying I’m right – just that my take is my take), and my thoughts on sex and personae and burlesque and erotic muses – a lot of which I wasn’t seeing expressed in said Tumblrs. I thought maybe it would be fun to try to put it into words.
But I was afraid. I didn’t know if I was ready to launch myself full-throttle into an obsession. I didn’t feel strong enough yet.
That post – not even a post at all – just a picture and a headline – was all I could handle at the time.
Amazingly – (not amazing now, but it was then) – that picture/headline generated over 50 comments.
I still wasn’t done with my binge-watch, and now that I had been forced to only watch two episodes a day, my pace had really slowed down. I still didn’t know what was so outrageous about episode 3 of season 9, but I found I had a TON to say about Jensen Ackles, and I figured, let me work on a piece about it. Let me focus on the comedy element. (That was another thing about the Tumblrs I read: just going off the Tumblr content, you would think this was the most serious show ever created. You’d never ever know it was often very funny.) I wanted to focus on Ackles’ weirdo gift/feel for comedy, using as my launching-off point the “Don’t objectify me” exchange from “Red Sky at Morning.”
Working as calmly as I could, doing only a little bit a day, not over-taxing myself, not allowing myself to go into a fugue state, I finally published this piece on Jensen Ackles and schtick.
A piece like that is my version of putting a flag on a hill. Not to own it. Because nobody owns narrative or interpretation. But to say, “Hello. I’m here. I’d like to join the conversation, please, and here is my take.”
That piece has traveled far and wide. Maybe the farthest of anything I’ve written. The response was overwhelming.
Meanwhile, I was slowly stabilizing. It took a good year to stabilize after 2012. Once I got stable, and once Supernatural took on its proper size – as just another obsession, one I wanted to write about, not something that was going to derail my life – I knew I wanted to start writing about these older episodes. Do an episode re-cap of earlier seasons. I felt ready. I thought I could handle it. I thought it would also be good for me.
Be obsessed with something but don’t let it make yourself sick. That was the challenge. I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’ve gone from obsession to obsession and these obsessions have enriched my life. In many ways, these obsessions have made life worth living. I don’t say that to be ungrateful. I have amazing friends and family. But in my solitude, obsessions have helped, they have allowed me to feel things I haven’t been encouraged to feel out in the world, they help me hone my analysis skills, they provide comfort, company, the whole nine yards.
I decided to let the leash off. This post about TV pilots was the lead-up to what I wanted to do, episode re-caps of earlier seasons. I found I had a lot to say.
And, as they say in Field of Dreams, if you build it, they will come.
January 2014: The Great – In My Mind Anyway – Re-cap Project Began
I started my recaps in January of 2014 … and boy, did the people come. They’re still coming.
We have now been squatting here talking about the show for six years, although that doesn’t even seem possible.
As so many people have been saying, they found Supernatural at a dark time in their lives, and something in the show spoke to them, something about it engrossed their energies in a time they needed it. The show became a container for all kinds of personal things, where you put some dreams, or fantasies, or ideas about trauma and family … whatever, the show is flexible enough (or was) to handle all of it.
For me, one of the hooks was the humor, as I mentioned, but the other thing was the burlesque-erotic-muse-beauty aspect of it, which I have explored and developed in recap after recap. It has been so much fun. I have no idea how many words I have actually written on the show. Those re-caps are insane. I still want to get back to them at some point.
Obsessions Make Other Things Possible
Supernatural will not be the last thing I obsess over. I have been an obsessive from the earliest age. I discovered “Underdog” at age 4, and forget it, I was never the same again. But Supernatural was the first thing I allowed myself to get obsessed over after I got diagnosed. It was a risk. I thought it might be too soon. I didn’t know how to fall in love with something without getting manic, without getting sick. In some ways, my obsession WAS too soon. So much so that I confessed and told my doctor about it, and he gave me a program. “You can love the show. But you can’t watch more than two episodes a day.” I thought: Okay I can do that.
As my life went on in 2014, with crazy upheavals and my writing career really picking up speed … Supernatural became this North Star, keeping me steady. It took its proper place. It grounded me. It focused me. A lot of other things became possible because of it.
Next season will be Supernatural‘s last. It’s time. I am grateful for the show. For what it has given me.
And I still laugh at the image of clueless me scanning the cast list on IMDB for the name “Destiel.”