My dear friend Alex was asked to be the Grand Marshall of the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago this year. She is there teaching for the summer. It was a huge deal to be asked, extremely exciting – and I really regret not being able to be there to celebrate with her, and all the gays I know and love.
Alex had an amazing experience - which she writes about here. Don’t miss it. Her ability to see through to the heart of things – not just the reality around her, but who she is being in those moments is unparalleled – and one of the reasons why we are friends. I’m highly bored with people who cannot take responsibility for themselves, and who project their anger out onto others, and feel justified 100% of the time (you know, the whole “I relish how right I am” crowd). None of us are perfect, but you know those who operate on that level and those who don’t. It’s clear. And sometimes, sometimes, when you are faced with hatred, coldness, fear, contempt … you can come back with love. It does happen, if you are not so bound to the fact that you must be so RIGHT all the time. In such moments there is the possibility of grace. True grace. It could not happen otherwise.
I had such a moment recently. It was a bitter pill to swallow and frankly I am still choking on it. But better to show the person grace and compassion, in the face of indifference and cruelty, than insisting on my own righteousness. I don’t know WHY this is the case, and it certainly isn’t always the case … and I struggle mightily with this, because I have been hurt. Blindsided, really. I want to punish the person who hurt me. Natural response. But on further reflection, I just couldn’t. That kind of energy is short-lived, it has no shelf life. It is a flash, where you feel better for maybe two seconds – but you don’t EVEN feel better. Not really. What it does is deepen the grooves within you, of anger and bitterness, and you get to nod your head contemptuously over how right you are and how stupid everyone else is … and if you LIVE in that state, then you are a poisonous individual. Not only to yourself but to those around you.
Like I said: not easy. It means I have to give up on the idea of having the last word. Of winning the argument. I have to give that up. I have. Bitter pill. But one I have to swallow.
Alex has often shown me the way in this regard (although when someone requires a bitch-slap, there’s nobody like Alex to give it …) and it is not in the moments when all is good and perfect that you are really “allowed” to be great and awesome. It is in those other moments, when confronted with cruelty, indifference, blindsided by rejection. Can you show someone grace then?
Can you, as my cousin Mike wrote, make a choice to not contribute to someone else’s hurt, “even if you think they deserve it”?
This is a lifetime journey. The desire to WIN (especially when you have been hurt and want to lash out) is ferocious. And here’s the other thing: You are rarely thanked for showing people who have hurt you grace. It has to be done for its own sake. That’s hard, too, because you have to let go of expectations. You have to let go of being right. Of clinging to your hurt and making a badge out of it. And you have to do all of this knowing and understanding that you probably will get nothing in return. There is no reward. Or, not an immediate palpable reward. More often than not, you are mocked for being weak. Or, you get no response whatsoever. It goes out into the void and you get nada back. (This post I wrote about a beautiful moment my friend Wade had with a hostile stranger is an example of what I am talking about – except that Wade’s behavior ended up turning the encounter around. Scan the comments there and look for the angry guy who could not tolerate the way the conversation had turned. Could. Not. Do. It. His own sense of how right he was, and how wrong it seemed to show someone gentleness when they are a jackass – was rock-solid, an edifice that could not be cracked. He just couldn’t “go there”. It was like we were speaking two entirely different languages. Now that’s just some random commenter on the Internet. Whatever. And even in that moment I can see, “Okay, that guy obviously has been hurt and rejected and feels angry about that.” Again, a natural response. But he is not trying to go deeper. He has stayed in his hurt – made a badge of it. He LIVES there.) So again, it comes down to a choice. Who do I want to be?
Alex, in all her complexity and humanness, lives in that place. That’s a conversation she has with herself every day. Even in moments of triumph, even in moments of loss.
Go read the whole thing. I love you, dear.
In light of recent amazing developments in a certain area (or should I say “sector”) of which I have intense interest (as does Alex), I thought it might be fun to look back on two of our many wacky experiences together. No, it’s not the time we drove through the immediate aftermath of a gang killing, and I tiptoed in my high-heeled sandals past a dead and bloody body on the sidewalk as Alex hissed at me to “RUN! RUN!” towards her out of the crossfire … No, it’s not that time. It’s not the time we danced around doing jazz hands in a garage full of Armenians. Nope. Not that time either. Nor is it the time we drove to Vegas to see Liza Minelli.
The two experiences are related, as you will see.
Getting clear on Hollywood Boulevard …
Our private tour of the Life Exhibit of a certain individual …
As always I am in awe of the tremendous grace she has.
For my money, you just accurately, and poignantly, described the acute existential pain I feel every day. The vulnerability of grace. In the face of the brutality and the suffering, can we put down our arms and love? Well put, my friend.
And can we decide to love another and offer grace knowing we’ll get dick-all in return?
Oh. Sorry. There’s the bitterness.
Still working it out.
Not to be overly dramatic, but the ability to show grace, separate from personal reward, is a gift from God. The state of mind engendered by the act of showing grace is its own reward. My own difficulty with it is there is always that tiny little voice, buried down deep inside, nagging, at the ready, saying, “But…”
We’ll probably be still working it out until the day we frigging die.
The state of mind engendered by the act of showing grace is its own reward.
If you say so, DBW.
It’s a bit more tortured for me. Sounds like it might be for you, too. It’s the certainty in that one sentence that sort of got my back up.
As always, the truth of all of this (to me) seems to be in the struggle itself.
I’m afraid it’s the “but..” that DBW is referring to that makes us human. If not for that “but..”, we’d be perfect angels, wouldn’t we?
A couple of years ago I started to realize that apologizing was an act that benefited me, not the person I apologized to, and with that thought, a lot of other things, like showing grace to others when spittle forms on their mouths and their eyes bulge out, just seem a lot more doable. I suppose you can call it its own reward, but doesn’t compassionate behavior usually end up benefiting everyone involved? Not to say that I don’t get pissed off from time to time. Definitely!
It’s funny, though – I got a completely different impression from Alex’s story about the lone protester at the pride parade and Alex’s words to him. I do think that in that moment, if you can look past the hatred in the eyes and the bitter words, one can see the sadness – the tragedy – of people who have clung to ideas and beliefs that are outdated and outmoded. History is passing them by, and there they are, standing on the sidelines, with their closed-mindedness and their poorly lettered sign, as their whole way of perceiving the world is flayed open finally to the march of history and the incremental movement toward good. I think, in that moment, Alex saw a very sad and lonely man – what’s sadder and more lonely than being closed-minded? Yes, he’s also an angry man, and I do not condone his words or behavior. Alex being moved in that moment to say, “I’m so sorry” was compassionate, certainly, but also an acknowledgement that the world truly has moved forward and some people, like that man, are still at the side of the road. He maybe doesn’t know it yet, but the lessons he’s learned in life are not supporting him. He’s left hanging to dry without any insight into human experience. His future is most assuredly dark and bitter, and Alex could see it as clearly as if she were gazing into a crystal ball. We’re all sorry for him, truly sorry, and yes, he brought it on himself, but we’re still sorry, and it’s with compassion that we look with sadness finally into the eyes of the closed-minded. The great joys and blessings of life are not for them to experience. At least that’s the way I saw it.
xxx Stevie
I think what strikes me about what Alex wrote specifically is just what Stevie was seeing – that she found herself genuinely and unexpectedly moved to compassion by that angry, ineffectual man who was just stewing in his own unhappiness. And I have had moments like that – where I found myself meeting hatred with what was, essentially, pity – that person has to live inside that anger and hatred and ugliness. And that must be a horrible place to be. Even if it s so often their own fault that they cannot move out of that place.
But I would say that my own moments of that kind of grace are leavened by my own desire to sleep well at night. In so far as “The state of mind engendered by the act of showing grace is its own reward.” – the state of mind it leads me to is sometimes, simply, to be honest, “Well, screw ‘em. I was NICE about it.” and then at least I know I did what I could do to make a bad situation better or that I chose not to make someone’s day worse – even if they did deserve far less consideration. The state of MIND it leaves me with isn’t always so much peaceful as it is smug. But I’m still learning. And I’m okay with my moments of being outwardly kind sometimes going hand-in-hand with inwardly bein’ a bit smug.
Stevie – You know, I really like that. I see that in her words as well. And to be graceful in such a moment, as opposed to cackling with glee, is a tough thing. It is soooo tempting to meet hate with hate. That’s how it all spirals down.
the lessons he’s learned in life are not supporting him.
That’s a chilling thought, isn’t it.
I mean, to imagine Alex having this realization covered in spangles on top of a motorcade is what is really amazing.
The state of MIND it leaves me with isn’t always so much peaceful as it is smug. But I’m still learning. And I’m okay with my moments of being outwardly kind sometimes going hand-in-hand with inwardly bein’ a bit smug.
Marisa – ha!!! I TOTALLY know what you’re talking about.
It is that dance step – you expressed it so well.
Kate – exactly!
I guess I also mean the state of mind you AVOID by not allowing really bad feelings to fester inside of you. Just being able to give it up sometimes, smug or otherwise, really leads to a better place. I know people who seem to hang on to every bad thing that ever happened to them, and it ruins them–makes them into less than they could, and should, be. There’s a lot to be said for being able to turn, and walk away, both physically and mentally.
Sheila – You’re so right – Alex having this moment of realization astride a white Cadillac convertible – in spangles! HAHAHA! Go, Alex, go!! Love you both. xxx
“What it does is deepen the grooves within you, of anger and bitterness, and you get to nod your head contemptuously over how right you are and how stupid everyone else is … and if you LIVE in that state, then you are a poisonous individual. Not only to yourself but to those around you.”
WISDOM Cousin! So spot on.
DBW – Oh man, I know what you are talking about. The holding on to every bad thing … It feels so right to do that, because we have been hurt, dammit – and what happens if I just walk away? Am I being weak? But it is the holding onto that stuff that just ruins the quality of life, quenches any light you may have
A real struggle – lifelong – but certainly a worthwhile one.
Mike – ugh, it’s hard. I hate it, but I seem to have no choice.
Exactly. The moment you light someone up–you feel horrible. It deepens the groove and makes it easier to do again and again. It’s not to say it doesn’t make you feel alive or alert–but the after math is never worth it. That old trickle down wisdom of counting to ten and taking a deep breath seems to be more and more wise the more I do it.
I just had an email a couple days ago from an old boyfriend which made me feel really good – as opposed to feeling like I’m a sucker or a dupe or just a fucking moron or whatever. I won’t share what he said to me, it’s private – but it was interesting to hear what he had to say about this aspect of me (the aspect that offers grace to people who have hurt me or let me down as opposed to condemnation or hate – even at what feels like a huge cost to me) – and how it had affected HIS life to be treated that way.
Again, there’s a bitterness to that pill – because it seems like i am not rewarded for being this way (in the way I want to be rewarded, ie: boyfriend, romantic success, blah blah) – but I don’t know – that’s kind of what I was getting at about not needing a “reward”.
Getting this random email from Old Boyfriend telling me blah blah blah made me feel VERY rewarded, in a way that almost touched on the divine. Like: Sheila. This is grace. You have offered it and you are now receiving it.
Doesn’t make any of this easy.
But I did like the timing of that email.
And then of course there is an appropriate time when you can just say to someone, “You know what? Bite me.”
I’ve been thinking about this attitude-towards-others a lot in the past couple of years, because it has not been my most forgiving period. On a few occasions in my life, some of them quite recent, it has been TREMENDOUSLY useful for me to say Bite Me. It probably depends what kind of person you are to begin with – if you have some doormat tendencies (as I probably do), it’s really good and powerful to develop a backbone and really tell someone who’s messing with you to bugger off; however, if you tend towards being self-righteous, it’s good to check yourself.
Maybe that’s just self-justification, I don’t know.
I think from situation to situation, too, it may change. At least that’s been true for me.
I don’t know, I’m really struggling right now.
To say “bite me” right now would do nothing except make me feel worse.
Just a sense I have. better to let it go with grace, and then suffer on my own time, with my own protective posse – and move the hell on.
In this particular circumstance.
Not sure I would call that a “doormat” – it’s more about knowing (for me, anyway) that the need to be right and have the last word in any argument has been toxic to me in the past. It has prolonged the disappointment and hurt – made it harder to move on.
I don’t know. Like I said to Mike above – I hate it, but right now it really feels like the right choice for me (as good as it would feel to fucking annihilate the person in question with one concise email). Have it all written out in my head but I won’t send.
Sorry – not giving advice, and certainly not calling *you* a doormat, just noting my own state of mind. In theory I’d probably like to be the high road person. Just have not been recently, and cannot regret it.
In my case it was that I needed to get away from bad-for-me Person A, in order to get to a good place with all-around-mensch Person B. And if I sort of lost my shit in doing the former, it only helped me break off something that was bad for me, and, weirdly, helped me grow up. But that was my situation, not yours. Just kind of justifying it to myself in your comment section, because I still think about it a lot. Again, sorry.
Oh God, no, I know – it didn’t feel like advice, just food for thought.
I’m not “out” of this situation yet – I don’t know what it will look like in a couple of months, so everything very well may change, and he may need a good ass-whuppin’. Right now, though, my gut says No.